The Lair of the White Worm (1988) [REVIEW]

March 29, 2010 1 Comment

 

Uhhh, what? That’s how I felt about this movie. I wish I could put it in a little more detail, but that’s my immediate reaction. A few months ago, I found a book I bought a couple of years ago that Fangoria released called “101 Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen” that contained, well, I’m sure the title tells you what it contained. It was mostly movies that were somewhat obscure, never made any money at the box office, or maybe a famous director’s lesser-known film. To be honest, most of the movies you have seen on here lately/will be seeing soon were because of this book. This movie was actually the movie depicted on the cover, so I figured it had to be pretty decent.

 

This blue-skinned freak of nature runs around naked quite often…if you’re into that sort of thing.

The story opens with researchers discovering a skull that has mysterious origins. While enjoying the worm festival (yes, it’s a worm festival), a mysterious woman steals the skull. It turns out that it is the skull of a legendary beast known as the white worm, which this woman has been worshipping. She also has fangs and some sort of weird acid spit, which I assume was intended to be similar to a cobra spitting venom. To appease the giant white worm, this woman then needs to sacrifice victims to it, which she attempts to do, but is thwarted and she herself is thrown into the white worm, which for some reason is good enough for the worm and he goes back to bed.

 

I have a feeling this is symbolic…of something.

If it sounds like that plot didn’t make much sense, it didn’t. I also cut out a lot of stuff that didn’t really make any sense for sake of efficiency. I wish I could say more about this film, but there just wasn’t anything notable. I have seen plenty of worse, and plenty of better films, this one just kind of existed. Highlights include the very bizarre and confusing hallucination scenes involving Jesus, naked nuns, and a polarized effect that just kept coming out of nowhere. Also, when the weird snake lady was about to fall into the white worm’s mouth, she was hanging onto someone else’s foot, and someone stopped her by slowly cutting her hand clean off her body.  My favorite part involved Hugh Grant (yes, that Hugh Grant) swinging a huge broadsword to cut a lady in half, and the momentum of it causes him to knock over a precariously placed drum set. This film was just really weird, and had a very Dead Alive or Cemetary Man tone to it, where you couldn’t tell if it was taking itself seriously or not. The perviously mentioned films do a much better job of it, of course.

 

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) [REVIEW]

March 28, 2010 Leave a comment

I know what you’re thinking, guys. Why is the Wolfman reviewing a prequel to a remake, that went relatively unnoticed, four years after its release? Well, I don’t have a solid answer for you, so just shut up and read the review anyway. I remember seeing this movie on opening day, first showing, and I left the theater underwhelmed. I do remember that there was a guy talking on his cell phone at full volume trying to organize a ride for himself after the movie, and discussing his lunch plans, and I think that trumped my thoughts on the film itself.

 

That looks like suede, not leather! I demand a refund!

The film tells the events that lead up to the legend known as Leatherface, and why exactly he decided to massacre people with chainsaws. He was apparently born from a fat lady, and thrown into a dumpster. He was taken from the dumpster and raised by weirdos, including R. Lee Ermey. He worked at a slaughter-house until it was shut down, which caused him to kill his boss for calling him a retard. While attempting to arrest him, the actual sheriff was killed by R. Lee Ermey. This established the roles that the characters played in the remake of the original film.

 

I cry myself to sleep at night, knowing I’ll never be as cool as R. Lee Ermey. Goddammit.

The story was about two brothers and their girlfriends driving cross-country to get shipped off to Vietnam. This really just seemed like an easy way to give people motivation to drive across Texas in that time period, rather than some arbitrary “concert”. They run into some bikers and end up getting into an accident and were found by Sheriff Hoyt, who was actually just R. Lee Ermey after he had self-appointed himself the position. When he finds out that one of the brothers was planning on dodging the draft, he gets pissed and brings everyone to his house for sake of being tortured and yelled at with generally harsh language. There is then an orgy of blood, amputations,  people being skinned, beartraps, and obviously, chainsaws.

 

Contrary to popular belief, this film is not actually about incestual homosexual BDSM. At least, I don’t think it is.

I will admit right now that I actually enjoyed the remake from 2003 starring Jessica Biel. The reason I enjoyed the original wasn’t necessarily the acting or the script, it was the way it was edited as well as shot. Certain scenes involving extreme close-ups combined with screaming just really makes you physically uncomfortable. Did I mention the last fifteen minutes of the original is just straight up screaming and chainsaw noises? The remake was shot differently, with (arguably) better actors, with a higher budget, and slightly different plot elements. Was it as uncomfortable as the original? Not even close. But was it still an entertaining movie, that could have easily titled itself “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4″? Totally.

 

What kitchen is complete without a woman tied down to a table? Not mine, that’s for sure!

As far as this film is concerned, compared to the 2003 remake, it was shot similarly, also had entertaining gore/special effects, and had a solid enough cast. Diora Baird was in it, so that’s always a bonus. The plot was really the only thing this movie wasn’t too strong with. I have seen PLENTY of worse plots, but when it comes to Leatherface, you really don’t need to know why he is the way he is. At some points they almost made you sympathize with him, which wasn’t really necessary. It even seems like the less you know about him, the more terrifying he is. Is he retarded? Is he just a big softy who likes to play pretend? Is it Rosie O’ Donnell under that mask? Doesn’t matter, as long as he is cutting up people’s insides and chopping their heads of and making masks out of their skin.

 

Have I mentioned yet that Diora Baird runs around? Because she does!

I must say, that this film certainly paid homage to the original 1974 far more than the 2003 remake did.I felt like the remake was taking the character and running with it. They tried to steer clear of any resemblance to the 1974 version, other than a guy with a chainsaw and he had a family. This film specifically recreated a few shots similar to the original, such as a scene where one of the older characters is being fed and how it mirrored the original, as well as the female lead jumping out of a window looking for safety. Another bonus was that I don’t believe you actually see Leatherface unmasked in this version. That’s why the original was so terrifying, you didn’t know what was under there, and you didn’t want to know, whereas the remake had no problem showing you his face a.s.a.p. Had the creative minds of TCM: The Beginning been given the funds and freedom of creativity for the inital remake, I think the end result would have been a lot more satisfying. Did I mention Diora Baird is in this one though?

 

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Captain America

March 27, 2010 Leave a comment

The relationship that comic books have had with Hollywood has been quite the tumultuous one. If there would be three movies that have changed the popularity of comic books, it would be Superman (1978), Batman (1989), and Spider-Man (2002). Superman showed audiences the true greatness of superheroes with special effects that had never really been shown before. Batman was extremely different from most people’s conceptions of the hero, which was Adam West’s campy TV series from the 60′s, and turned a character who was comic relief into a brooding anti-hero. Spider-man demonstrated that there were still new ways to bring heroes to the big screen, and also how much there was to gain financially from these movies. It’s no surprise that these are some of the most famous comic book characters out there, and Captain America is the next one up to the plate.

 

TAKE THAT YOU NAZI FUCK!

The main reason Captain America even exists was as a reaction to what was going on in World War II. He was meant to inspire the average citizen to think that anyone could make a difference if they took a stand against the Evil Empire. Steve Rogers lied about his age, being only 16, so he could enlist into the military. Once it was revealed that he was too young, he was offered a chance to make a difference by signing up for Operation: Rebirth. He ended up essentially becoming the maximum of human efficiency, super-strong with super-reflexes, thus rendering him the first Super Soldier. This lead him to be a major asset in WWII as both a weapon and as a tool used to spark patriotism and heroism in other troops.

 

Look at that puny wimp. I almost feel sorry for him…ALMOST.

There have been various incarnations of what happened from there. Steve Rogers has Been cloned, has lost faith in humanity and rejected the suit, and has died on multiple occasions. The more relevant details are what happened in the Ultimate Marvel Universe. In this series of events, Captain America was blown up during WWII and landed in the Atlantic Ocean. It only took 50 years, but he was found frozen in a block of ice, and of course thawed out. He then rejoined the Avengers, which at this time consisted of Iron Man, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Giant Man, Wasp, Thor, and the Hulk. This group is run by Nick Fury, whose likeness was modeled after Samuel L. Jackson. The reason why this Ultimate Universe is important is because you might remember Samuel L. Jackson appearing at the end of Iron Man talking about the Avengers Initiative, or maybe Iron Man showing up in The Incredible Hulk, or maybe the fact that Black Widow is in Iron Man 2, or maybe the fact that Thor is currently being filmed, or maybe the fact that the Captain America movie is rumored to take place during World War II and happens to be titled “The First Avenger”. Trust me, all that stuff is important.

 

If you feel he is staring into your soul, you’re not alone.

Which brings us to the events of this past week, where they announced Chris Evans was cast as Captain America. Considering how iconic this character is, I believe there were multiple groans heard throughout the country when Evans was announced. I was not the one groaning. Evans most famous role is in another Marvel movie, Fantastic Four. Neither of these two movies are anything all that exciting, but I must say that Evans has one of the better performances. He can play the wise-ass annoying little brother, as well as the physique and attitude to pull off the action scenes. If anyone has any doubt as to whether or not he can pull off this role, I recommend that rather than watch those films, you should watch Danny Boyle’s “Sunshine”. The film is about a mission to save the world by jumpstarting the dying Sun, and Evans plays one of the crew members who understands the gravity of the mission and is literally willing to kill other crew members to make sure it gets done. He was able to show that he can do what is right and do the things needed to be done to get the mission done, despite what the popular opinion may be. I look forward to seeing him in the suit, and have high hopes. Good luck Chris!

 

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The Legend of Hell House (1973) [REVIEW]

March 26, 2010 Leave a comment


After reading the title, I am sure this movie sounds familiar, but you probably haven’t seen it. Don’t confuse this movie with Hell House, the documentary about the creation of a haunted house by a conservative catholic group. Don’t confuse it with The House on Haunted Hill, starring either Vincent Price or Geoffrey Rush, depending on how old you are. Don’t even confuse it with The Haunting, starring Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglass-Hotness, where at one point Owen Wilson‘s head falls off. If the plot of this film sounds familiar, you probably have seen it done before, so I won’t blame you for that. Keep in mind that this film did it 40 years ago, and they pull it off just as successfully as any other films have done.

“Your direction? Uhhh…look somewhere and be either upset, confused, or shocked.”

There is an opening disclaimer letting the viewer know that despite this film not being a true story, that everything depicted is based on actual recorded events. With that out of the way, you discover that there is to be an investigation of the “Mt. Everest of haunted houses” by a physicist and his wife, accompanied by two mediums. The physicist believes everything can be attributed to electromagnetic activity, and the mediums are hoping to find a way to let the souls trapped in the house to finally find peace. Very early on, there are incidents involving possession, ectoplasm, as well as objects being thrown around rooms by unseen forces. Despite this, the team pushes on in hopes of getting to the source of what’s going on. These incidents escalate to the point of one of the mediums being killed, as well as the physicist being killed, while he attempts to use a machine to negate the electromagnetic forces. Eventually there is a confrontation between the remaining medium and the exorcist’s wife that reveals what’s going on and why.

 

I think this house might be haunted by thousands of empty bottles of Lubriderm.

I already mentioned the fact that the story of people going to a supposedly haunted location in an attempt get to the bottom of it has been done countless times before. Keeping in mind the fact that this movie was made almost 40 years ago lets you know that it was ahead of it’s time. They were using terms, concepts, and images that you could see being talked about on any show on the Discovery Channel or SyFy. This film didn’t rely on gore or cheap scares, it was more of just a creepy ambiance where all the characters know that creepy stuff is going on, they just don’t know why. The fact that all the characters accepted that all this stuff was going on, but perservered through all of it made it scarier. One device that was used to frightening effect was voice manipulation, whether it be disembodied voices being heard throughout the house or during any of the possessions, it freaked me out a little. If you stumble on this movie on cable or find the DVD for cheap, you might as well pick it up, because after 40 years, the story is just as relevant as anything that could be made today. Not to mention that the physicist’s wife, played by Gayle Hunnicutt, was a babe.

 

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Tron (1982) [REVIEW]

March 24, 2010 1 Comment

 

Considering the sequel to this movie, TRON: Legacy, is coming out this Christmas, I couldn’t think of a better time to watch this “cult classic” and pretend like I have been a fan of it since the beginning! Jokes on you, Tron guy! All I have to do is get a beige leotard and draw some blue stripes on it and we will be peers. Take THAT, Tron Guy! Do you guys know who Tron Guy is? Google him, you’ll figure it out. Honestly, the only thing I really knew about this movie before seeing it was that there were “light cycles” and weird outfits. And apparently everyone lost their minds watching it when they first saw it 30 years ago. Also, every time it was on HBO, it was the light cycle scene, so I thought that encompassed the entire movie. Sadly, I was incorrect.

 

Look like shit? Tell that to people in 1982!

Tron is actually a story about a computer programmer, played by Jeff Bridges, who was fired for having great ideas. He then opens up his own arcade full of games that he programmed for the company that fired him. Apparently another guy who was fired tracked him down so that they could fight the power, similarly to what Malcolm X did, but with funnier outfits. They break into the warehouse where all these videogames were programmed, and that’s when things get crazy. Jeff Bridges sits down to use a computer, and accidentally sits in front of a laser that teleports him into the videogame. BIG MISTAKE. He then has to fight for his life in crazy real-life videogames or risk dying, or disintegrating, or something like that. I’m still confused. After long enough time spent in the computer, Jeff Bridges makes friends, and they find the head of the company living in the computer, or something, and try to kill him. Lebowski wins, escapes the computers, and everyone goes and plays Pac-Man.

 

I feel like this graphic was taken from an elementary math class slide show entitled “Imagine Line Graphs as Light Cycles, Kids!”

If my synopsis of this movie seems a little odd, maybe confusing, or just completely wrong, you might be correct. The story was kind of insane, and I was mostly distracted by all the bright colors. I felt like I was tripping balls. Everyone involved in this movie had to know how dumb the story was, so I think they really just threw something together to make people afraid of videogames. I mentioned something similar in my review for The Lawnmower Man. At the time this movie was made, people knew videogames existed, but didn’t know how they would change society, so they took the scary aspect of it. Consider this movie a warning that if you play too much videogames, you might BECOME A VIDEOGAME!!! The special effects really were what people enjoyed most about this movie, and they are pretty fun. Even though it isn’t all Avatar-ed out with 3-D effects raping every nerve of your sensory perception, they were kind of silly, but in a good way. If someone went in and added some textures to certain scenes, things would hold up just as well. This still doesn’t mean that the effects made the movie worthwhile, but I am assuming most people love this movie for nostalgic reasons. But come this December, if the new Tron rules, I am going to come back and delete this post.

 

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Lady in White (1988) [REVIEW]

March 22, 2010 Leave a comment

 

This movie is supposedly based on a true legend that takes place in Rochester, NY. There is said to be a woman who roams the town looking for her daughter, who while on a date, was killed by a blood-thirsty suitor. I thought it was cool to base a movie on a specific legend like this, so I went in with high hopes. What happens when we go into something with high hopes, kids? That’s right, our dreams are crushed, and we end up really bored. Okay, maybe not in ALL instances will this happen, I am more specifically describing my experience with this film. The title “Lady in White” refers to, surprisingly, a lady in white who haunts the protagonist in hopes of him finding her daughter who was killed years before. Sounds terrifying, doesn’t it? A ghost lady in white haunting someone repeatedly? Well, not really. Sorry folks!

 

Don’t let the flannel and beanie fool you folks, this man is no hipster.

The movie takes place mostly in flashbacks to 1962, with the narrator being the protagonist. He is about six years old on Halloween when some of his classmates trick him into being locked in a closet at school overnight. While locked in there, he has visions of a little girl being murdered, and during the visions, the murderer actually shows up and suffocates the child. He survives, but then feels compelled to find out who the murderer was to help give rest to both her spirit and to the lady in white’s. While this is going on, the janitor is accused of suffocating the child, because he was drunk in his office that night and because he is black. This means not only are the kids looking for the murderer, but the child’s father is looking to clear the janitor’s name.

 

Just a couple ghost chillin’ in the sky…no big deal or anything.

I won’t even give away the ending, because it’s very underwhelming and somewhat predictable. I think my opinion might be biased because I was expecting too much, but this movie definitely feels like it was more aimed towards kids. It was interesting having a young child as the protagonist, from such an innocent point of view, but this also resulted in nothing all that scary taking place. I also thought the racist undertones were interesting,  but they just never really followed through with those themes completely. The main reason I disliked this movie is because it was S-L-O-W. Slower than molasses…that’s frozen…traveling uphill. I honestly almost considered shutting it off, but I didn’t want to look like a pussy. Is it disappointing? Yes. Is it completely totally god awful unwatchable? No, but you might have to be under 13 to find it scary. And if you are under 13 and reading this blog, you should go to bed, and don’t tell your parents where you learned so many curse words.

 

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Trick r’ Treat (2008) [REVIEW]

March 21, 2010 Leave a comment

 

In general, I try to avoid getting too excited about any movie of any genre so that I am not disappointed. I watched this movie based on positive reviews I have read and a few images I have seen, so I was already setting my expectations high. Lucky for me, I ended up getting what I expected, maybe even a little more.

 

These aren’t your parents princesses. Unless, of course, your parents are creepy perverts.

This film is actually made up of four short films all based around, surprisingly, Halloween. One of my all time favorite horror movies, let alone movies of any genre, is George Romero’s Creepshow. This is a film that’s also comprised of multiple short stories and are influenced by early horror pulp comics published by EC, which later became DC comics. So imagine my joy of knowing there are four short films, and the opening credits sequence was even done in a comic book style. It’s like they were reading my mind, but in a good way.

 

It’s everyone’s favorite game, “Who is the least freaky weirdo on the bus?”

I won’t give away too much about the plots of the films, because they are short enough that to try and describe them completely would spoil all the fun. One story revolves around a principal who is apparently killing trick or treaters, another is about a prank to scare the nerdy girl in class with a local urban legend. There’s also a story about a group of four girls going to a party, one of them being a virgin, and looking for dates, when the virgin encounters a mysterious stranger. The last story that really excited me was because of how similar it was to a certain episode of Tales from The Darkside, which was a TV show created by George Romero and makeup artist Tom Savini. The episode involved a cranky old man being harassed by a mysterious mischief maker all night on Halloween, and the story in this film…is about a cranky old man being harassed by a mysterious mischief maker.

 

It’s Barbie Dream House – Billy Corgan Edition.

One big difference between this film and Creepshow is the fact that at some point in each film, the different characters interact with each other or make some sort of appearance. This was supposedly done to help establish the time line of the film, but I actually enjoyed seeing the characters in different roles. For example, in the first story, the principal is the predatory character and then later in the film, he plays the victim. It made it feel like all the bad guys got a taste of their own medicine, so that was certainly enjoyable. All the stories were a lot of fun, even if you felt like you had seen them before, they were all very well done. This film also had one of the more interesting werewolf transformation scenes I have seen, where the characters are actually ripping their skin from their bodies to expose their wolf-ness, as opposed to most movies where the werewolves transform into their true forms.

 

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Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009) [REVIEW]

March 20, 2010 Leave a comment

 

If you haven’t seen the original Cabin Fever, I recommend you do yourself a favor and pick it up right now. It holds a sentimental place in my heart as it rejuvenated my love for contemporary horror films, and shows you that sometimes gore comes first and plot comes second. It involves a flesh-eating virus that results in all the characters being covered in sores and blisters and eventually end up oozing to death in the most deliciously disgusting ways possible. And this sequel…isn’t quite the same thing.

Don’t freak out guys…that’s not a REAL pen.

The film opens with a character from the first film pulling himself out of the town reservoir, covered in sores and boils, running in front of a bus and practically exploding. Pretty promising, huh? You then comes to find out that the town’s water supply has been tainted and all the kids at the local high school have been drinking it, and the prom ends up an oozing, pus-filled, vomiting mess. Also sounds awesome, huh? The high school gets quarantined by some unnamed task force, everyone getting shot, but a few random stragglers making their ways to other parts of the country to obviously spread the disease.

Reminds me of my shop class experiences. I’m typing with a stub, by the way.

One of the reasons the original was so enjoyable was because Eli Roth, the writer director, was a huge fan of horror movies and I felt he did a great job of paying homage to gory classics, while also giving enough originality and tongue-in-cheek humor that it was just an entertaining ride to sit back and enjoy. Also I would like to point out the film Hatchet by Adam Green (a fellow Massachusetts native) also did a wonderful job at. This film was definitely trying to recapture the spirit of Cabin Fever without necessarily paying tribute to earlier films. The original Cabin Fever might as well have been the only prior movie the filmmakers had seen, and tried to copy and paste their way through it. I would like to point out, however, that the writer/director of Cabin Fever 2, Ti West, was the mastermind behind what I felt to be one of the best horror films of 2009, The House of the Devil. He did try to get his name removed from Cabin Fever 2 after the drastic changes the producers forced on him, so I won’t blame him for this film.

Not much fighting, a lot more crying, and sadly, not enough dying of these characters.

One of the best parts of the original were the characters. They managed to be such complete over-the-top exaggerations of stereotypes, but you still felt like you actually knew someone like that. These stereotypes made them entertaining to watch, yet also cheer when they met their horrible deaths. In Cabin Fever 2, none of the characters were interesting or entertaining enough to enjoy watching, so the whole time the only thing you wanted to happen to them was for them to die. There is a small part played by Mark Borchardt of American Movie/Coven fame that was nice to see, but that’s about it. The other thing that made the original so entertaining were the effects and gross out scenes. The sequel did have its fair share, from amputations to puking into each others mouth to boobs covered in boils to an oozing and blood covered penis to, well, you get the idea. So in that respect, this movie holds its own and stands above a lot of other splatterfests, but everything that happens in between those scenes doesn’t quite redeem it.

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The Lawnmower Man (1992) [REVIEW]

March 18, 2010 Leave a comment

 

I really had no idea what this movie was about going into it, which I guess is a good thing. I thought it would have something to do with a man made out of lawnmowers, or a lawnmower made out of a man, or some sort of halfsie. Turns out it’s a science fiction movie and there isn’t much horror involved, sadly. Stephen King apparently wrote a short story entitled “The Lawnmower Man“, which this movie was claiming to be based on, but it was so far from what he wrote that he actually successfully sued to have his name removed from the project.

 

Jeff Bridges called, and he is sick of you guys raiding his old clothes.

The movie stars Pierce Brosnan from Mrs. Doubtfire fame, as well as Jeff Fahey from Lost fame. Jeff Fahey plays the lawnmower man, which I guess is defined as a guy who mows lawns…with a lawnmower. Oh, he’s also kind of retarded. Not like full blown retarded, but just enough that his only skills relate to pushing a lawnmower. Brosnan is some sort of scientist using virtual reality to make people smarter through the use of virtual reality. Surprisingly, the LAWNMOWER MAN is the subject of the tests! It’s like they knew what this movie was going to be about when they chose the title. Through a combination of virtual reality and magical injections, the lawnmower man gains telepathic abilities and he is hell bent on destruction. Then there are a bunch of scenes involving the lawnmower man wearing a suit straight from Tron where he’s trying to kill people, and Pierce Brosnan has to stop him. Apparently the lawnmower man gets his brain trapped in a computer and can’t get out so Pierce Brosnan blows him up, just like he did in Mrs. Doubtfire.

HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING EXTREME FUTURE!!!!!!

I thought maybe this would be similar to the short story Flowers for Algernon, which has a similar premise, except instead of murderous rampage, the newly found intelligent is ostracized by his peers. Instead, this was a movie about the terror that is technology and the power that it clearly has. Since it was made in the early 90′s, the term “virtual reality” existed, but I don’t think anyone actually knew what it meant. So as funny as it is that this movie took place ten years ago and they assumed people would be assimilating with computer networks and have the power the deconstruct all particles in the universe, it’s pretty dated for the most part. If they had somehow explained a little more technically what was going on, it might have held up, but sadly, it doesn’t. Still not god awful, but not necessarily good.

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The Fantastic Four (1994) [REVIEW]

March 16, 2010 1 Comment

 

No, you did not enter a time warp, ladies and gentlemen. I really am reviewing a movie based on the Fantastic Four that was made in 1994, despite there being a more popular and bigger budgeted film having been made in 2005. You might be wondering how one could have made a worse movie than the one made with Jessica Alba, and this version made in 1994 certainly managed to do that in spades. As opposed to 2005 version that was made for around $100 million, this film was made for $2 million. Yes, you read that correctly, this version cost 50 times less than the contemporary version, but don’t let that fool you, this film isn’t 50 times worse. I’d say it’s maybe 20 times worse, which I guess can somehow be converted into a math problem, but I don’t feel like working that out right now.

 

In case anyone forgot how awful the 90′s were…

The story starts with Reed Richards (soon to be Mr. Fantastic) attending Empire State University with Victor Von Doom (soon to be Dr. Doom). They are working together on some sort of project involving space and explosions or something, and spend time bickering over the details. The machine explodes with lightning and Victor dies. We then cut 10 years into the future to Reed with his pal Ben Grimm (the Thing) recruiting Susan Storm (the Invisible Woman) and Johnny Storm (Human Torch) to go into outer space. They go out there and are sabotaged by the surprisingly still alive Dr. Doom. Apparently they fall from space, and we see them wake up unharmed. Everyone is confused, especially me. They get hints at their powers and get picked up by the military. Another villain starts showing up who is never actually named as the Mole Man, but might as well be. Ben’s girlfriend is kidnapped, the Fantastic Four go after them, apparently Dr. Doom loses, everybody’s happy, especially me, because it’s over.

 

Yes, he’s made of stone, but also requires a stone helmet?

This movie plays out like an awful episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Not even a good episode or anything where the robot fight at the end was awesome, one of the terrible early ones where the bad guys were made out of clay. Reed Richards used his elasticity to trip bad guys. That’s right, HE TRIPPED DR. DOOM’S LACKEYS. Not to mention the fact that the “doom bots” were basically guys with their faces painted silver and wore green hooded sweatshirts. There is one scene that plays out like a back to school special where Mr. Fantastic explains that it was their personality traits were what caused their powers, Reed stretching himself too thin and Johnny always having a temper, always being a “hot-head”. I do have to say, that any scene involving the Thing is so laughably awful, it is almost redeeming…but not actually. The best is a scene where he is wandering the streets of New York looking for acceptance and finds none. So in a slow motion shot, he looks at his hands, then looks skyward, seemingly to ask God why he has been turned into a big orange pile of dogshit.

 

Where to look…Reed’s boner, Susan’s boobs, or the hint of the Thing’s thigh, because yes, he’s wearing briefs.

Horrible acting, directing, writing, special effects, and costumes, that goes without saying. The interesting part is the fact that I was able to see this movie, that was never actually intended to see the light of day. The company that produced it had the rights to make this film for so long that, had they not filmed anything, they would have lost the rights. They knew from the beginning that no one would ever see this piece of garbage, but they didn’t mention that to the actors. Even after word was getting out that this film would never be released, apparently they were being told it might serve as a pilot episode of a TV series. Despite horrible production value, I was actually kind of surprised to see ways they were faithful to the comic. In the original series, Dr. Doom blamed Reed Richards for the accident at Empire State University that made him deformed, and in Ultimate Fantastic Four their origin is also connected to miscalculations between Reed and Victor. The Thing’s love interested, Alicia Masters, is a blind sculptor, just like in the comics. Something else I appreciated was that they pointed out the original age difference between Reed and Susan, of 11 years. Other than that, total garbage. If someone asks if you have seen it, say yes, so you can advise them against ever seeing it.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
YouTube – Part 1 For the time being, you can watch all eight parts on YouTube

Filed under 1 Star, 1 Star, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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