Lost (2004-2010) [REVIEW]

May 31, 2010 4 Comments

 

To even try to review and explain everything that has gone on during this show over the past six years would be completely insane and, believe it or not, I am not the individual to do it. However, I dedicated a lot of time to not only watching the show, but also researching, theorizing, and discussing all the concepts that took place over that whole time. I would feel kind of unfulfilled if I didn’t finally get my thoughts about the whole series to share with others, and I predict lots of nonsense and rambling in the paragraphs to come.

 

Dr. Jack, helping fat people left and right.

The first thing I ever remember about this show was an image in a magazine, possibly Entertainment Weekly, of Matthew Fox sans beard standing on a beach with a plane on fire in the background, and the article was about a show called “Lost” that got a lot of viewers. I knew that this show existed, but that was pretty much it. I had heard it being talked about, but it sounded like “blah blah LOST blah blah ISLAND blah blah”. I had signed up for Netflix shortly before this, and randomly put the first season on my queue. I got the first disc, put it in, and after the pilot episode, I was hooked. I have yet to meet someone who said they watched the very first episode and was not at all curious as to what would happen in the next episode. I know people who have tried watching it at other points in the series, but no one I know has watched that first episode without watching the second, then third, then fourth, and so on. It was some of the most engaging, entertaining, confusing, and mysterious pieces of television, or any other medium for that matter, that I have ever enjoyed. Why are they on this island? Why can that bald guy walk again? Who are the Others? Why do they want Claire? Why is there a polar bear on the island? And the biggest question of them all: WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THAT HATCH?! Entertaining start to finish, I watched this season three or four times, and I want to watch it again.

 

This pretty much sums up the whole show, in case you’ve never seen it.

And then as hard and unbelievable as it was, they managed to top the first season with the second season. Who is this Desmond character? What’s that timer all about? What’s the smoke monster? AND WHAT IN THE GODDAMNED FUCK IS THE DHARMA INITIATIVE?! Seriously, all that Dharma stuff was so insanely awesome. Why did they put the guy down there, why 108 minutes, how many stations did they have, how long have they been there, all so intriguing and mind-melting. I can admit, I didn’t really care about the “Other 48″, which was the name given to 48 survivors who landed on a different part of the island and were introduced to in this season. Obviously their stories had to be told, and Bernard was reunited with Rose, but Ana Lucia can suck a fat one. I think Charlie also kind of turned into a psycho in this season, which sucked because I liked Charlie, but the introduction or Mr. Eko was pretty cool. And then they blow shit up and make you think everyone’s dead in the season finale.

 

Apparently, the original name of the “Poopy Initiative” didn’t look as badass in the logo.

Season three…ugh. If only you could have heard the sounds my keyboard made just typing out “season three”. This is where Lost is kind of like pizza. Pizza can be incredible and tasty, but sometimes, pizza is not tasty or incredible. But at the end of the day, it’s still pizza, which is a good thing. So season three was like a bad piece of pizza. Not that great, but still better than a lot of other things out there. I can’t really remember what happens, other than we learn more about the “Others” and Ben and there are cages and there are two islands and Kate and Sawyer do each other. However, and this is a big however, the season finale provided some of the best moments from the entire series of Lost. First is just the image of Jack with a big fake beard getting all aggro driving in his Bronco listening to “Gouge Away” by The Pixies. Second is Charlie sacrificing himself to help others, and the now all-too-famous shot of his hand with “NOT PENNY’S BOAT” written on it. Third was more of a scene that messed the viewers minds completely, as we had gotten so used to seeing flashbacks in all of the episodes that when we saw Jack’s aggro-beard, we had assumed it was the past. At the end of the episode, Kate steps out from the shadows in this “flash forward” and Jack starts screaming about having to go back to the island. WHOA. Not only do we find out that at least two people finally get off the island, but that Jack is now bonkers and wants to go back?! Pretty heavy stuff. Almost makes up for the previous 21 episodes.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BEARD.

In season four we learned that some people made it off the island, as well as some people came back to the island. We learn who makes it off and why the people who have come to the island are there, but it’s still kind of confusing. I honestly can’t really remember what happens in this season, other than the people who got off end up back on the island, and there’s time traveling, and Sawyer shaved his beard, and, well I don’t know. Season five was another season where there was a lot of time traveling and living in the 70′s and general confusion about who is on the island and what time they live in and stuff like that. Entertaining, yes, easy to explain in a blog, no. Season six got a lot more spiritual and metaphysical, as we started something called a “flash sideways”, which was some sort of alternate reality where the characters never landed on the island and just made it home safely. We also realized the origins of some recurring, seemingly ageless characters, some history of the island, and the eventual fate of our cast.

 

John Locke‘s biggest weakness was scurvy.

Love it or hate it, you have to be impressed by J.J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof, and Carlton Cuse, the creative team behind the show. They managed to confuse and surprise and terrify and piss off millions of people. Keep in mind, they have gone on record saying they originally wanted this series to last 12 episodes. THEY PLANNED ON ENDING THIS SHOW AFTER 12 EPISODES. For the people who say they were making it up as they went along, they were kind of right. Not to say they were flying by the seats of their pants, but they probably had no idea they were going to have to write an additional 80+ episodes and maybe there were some confusing or contradictory points on the show.

 

Clean your fingernails, kids. Otherwise your friend will write you messages on his hand and then he will drown.

I look back on the entire show and see it in two parts. Maybe two and a half parts, depending on how you look at it. The first two seasons, when it was presumed that the show would end without warning, was about the Dharma Initiative. Who they were, what they were doing, how they were doing it, were they part of the Illuminati, do they control how often Sawyer takes his shirt off, and so on. Season 3 was the realization that this show was in it for the long haul, and they spent the entire season switching gears and setting up the second part of the series, which was seasons 4 through 6. This was a more spiritual and faith based concept, the difference between good and evil, relativity, pushing the limits of human morality, and concepts like that.

 

If there is an attack move more efficient than a jumping through the air punch, I don’t wanna know about it.

People don’t seem to understand these two large thematic differences in the show, and just want to complain about not getting the answers they wanted. I personally enjoyed the Dharma portion of the show more than the other portion, and am almost happier that they never explained everything about Dharma. I did also enjoy the other seasons of the show, but didn’t lose much sleep over what was going on and why it was happening. The way they chose to end the show made perfect sense, and I really feel as though season 4-6 could have stood on their own as a series of it’s own. I’m also glad they left so many questions related to Dharma completely unanswered, or questions about the island in general unanswered, because the more you explain about these mysteries the less fun they are to think about. I spent almost five years of my life thinking about this show, and am glad that I can continue having so many positive thoughts and memories about it for years to come.

 

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I DONE FUCKED UP

May 29, 2010 Leave a comment

A few things you guys should know. You might notice that I have been a little lax recently on some of my posts, and you are entirely correct. Summer is kicking in which makes my job much tougher and busier at work, and it is sucking the life force right out of me. Both today and yesterday I had to put in 12 hour days, and have another one tomorrow, so that sucks. I was actually planning on seeing Romero’s latest film, “Survival of the Dead”, but I miscalculated the time (hence the name of this entry) and completely missed it. That does mean that I will be seeing it later this week, so you have that to look forward to. You should also know I have a few more reviews drafted that i just haven’t been able to find the time to find pictures and do the html and stuff like that for, all that fun finishing touches stuff. These aren’t excuses, these are cold hard facts! So stay tuned, keep checking back, and feel free to check out my Twitter (www.twitter.com/wolfman_cometh) for all the latest news and reviews. And in the meantime, here is a gif that recreates the original ending for LOST.

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[REC] 2 (2009) [REVIEW]

May 26, 2010 3 Comments

 

I know this is going to make me sound like a huge poseur, but I definitely saw Quarantine before I saw [REC]. I’ll admit to being a bigger poseur by not knowing that Quarantine was a remake of [REC] until after I had seen it and done some Googling. Obviously I made it a point to see [REC] and figure out which one was better. Both films are very entertaining, with minimal differences, but for a couple of reasons, I found [REC] to have been more successful. One reason was that in Quarantine, we spend about 15-20 minutes getting to know the lead characters as they spend time together at a fire station. The call then comes in about some sort of trouble and then the movie gets rolling. The original [REC] reduces 20 minutes to about 5, and the movie is on its way. You realize that whole “establish an emotional connection with the characters” was just American bullshit that was unnecessary in the first place. I also think that not knowing Spanish made the original a lot more chaotic. Obviously a movie made in Spain with Spanish speaking characters wasn’t some symbolic message, but approaching the movie as an American viewer, I felt that the insanity and chaos was heightened because I could only read the subtitles so fast, and there are multiple scenes of multiple people shouting. I was lucky enough to see the theatrical Midwest premiere of [REC] 2 last week, and I had just as much fun as in the first.

 

What an ugly little girl. Which reminds me, Wolfgang, how’s your daughter? Not saying she’s ugly, just, ya know, uhh…..

The original was shot from the point of view of a camera guy who goes into an apartment building that has a mysterious infection spreading. It is described as being like rabies, with its victims getting extremely aggressive, even zombie like. The victims inside are locked in by the army, police, and ministry of health. Then hilarity ensues, involving lots of blood and puke and violence. This movie starts where that one left off. It opens with a SWAT-esque team going into the contaminated building with someone from the ministry of health, supposedly to figure out what’s going on and extract survivors. Shockingly, the group is attacked about 20 minutes into the movie, and the person from the “ministry of health” is from a different ministry…like, he’s a priest. Turns out that the cause of these “infections” were traced back to the demonic possession of a girl who was taken to the building and was being studied to see if they could find a biological cure for her possession. They also found out that the host demon could infect other people through saliva and blood, and those individuals could be controlled as well. What then follows is lots of blood, guts, yelling, guns, more blood, demons, jumping, night vision, helmets, and awesomeness.

 

The demons would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddlin’ kids!

I didn’t add in a “spoiler alert” when it comes to the demonic possessions, because it really happens quite early in the film. After having seen the original and the American remake, I was definitely shocked to find out that it wasn’t a viral/biological infection, but rather a supernatural one. I believe my reaction was something like: “Wait, they are saying there are demons infecting one another and running around all batshit insane? That’s………….AWESOME! HOLY SHIT THAT’S AWESOME!”. They really took a risk on making this exorcism/zombie movie combination, but I really think it paid off for everyone involved. The P.O.V. shots were obviously terrifying, and the gore was highly entertaining. I was lucky enough to see this in theaters and there wasn’t a single gruesome death that didn’t result in cheering and applause. If you get the chance to see this film, or the original [REC], or hell, even Quarantine, I highly recommend all three.

 

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Power Girl

May 22, 2010 Leave a comment

 

Giant boobs. There we go, I just took care of the first thing people think of when they think of Power Girl. I’ll be honest, that’s what my first thoughts were when I considered reading this series. The second thing I thought of was I would have to be an idiot to not read it. I posted on a comic book forum the fact that I wanted to read more DC titles, and to my surprise, someone recommended Power Girl. I thought it would be like Danger Girl, something that only horny guys read and not read by any actual comic book fans. So I took a chance and read the 11 issues of her ongoing self-titled series. And you know what? It’s actually pretty fun. Oh, and they show how big her boobs are quite often.

 

Apparently, abs used to be more important than boobs. Oh how the times have changed…for the better, of course.

Power Girl is the Earth-2 version of Supergirl. In case you don’t know what Earth-2 is, it’s an alternate dimension Earth in DC comics, and Power Girl was their version of Supergirl. In case you don’t know who Supergirl is, she’s like Superman, but a girl. And in case you don’t know who Superman is, you’re not missing too much. Ha! Take that, Clark Kent! Seriously though, Power Girl is the last of her species from a dying planet who gets her powers from the Earth’s yellow Sun. She is super strong, can fly, has heat vision, cold breath, and huge boobs. In her current series, she has come to New York City to try to give back to the people of Earth. Being super-powered means you can obviously punch all the bad guys and therefore protect the planet from evil, but she wants to do more for the Earth, and you can’t really just punch global warming. I mean, it would be convenient if you could, but it’s not that easy. Her secret identity is that of a CEO of a business where she is attempting to bring together great minds and offer them the resources to do good for the future, through science. And of course, bad guys get in the way, and she generally punches them.

 

I’ll take a busty girl fighting an albino gorilla over political strife any day of the week, thank you very much.

This series is just a lot of fun, which some comic books are afraid to do. Whether it’s Marvel or DC, we often find that there are issues being dealt with that mirror our current society, and through their characters they attempt to convey social commentary through epic events. There isn’t really anything wrong with that, and generally makes for interesting story-telling. There can be drawbacks to it as well, for example, mass confusion. Marvel had an event a few years ago called Civil War, where superheroes turned on each other, thus creating a Civil War. There was a title called “Civil War”, that was seven issues, as well as  another 70 issues scattered throughout the Marvel Universe that you needed to read for the “complete” story. Or take DC, without using a specific example of one of their events, but they tend to just fuck up everything and you have no idea what is required reading and what is optional. I read Batman and Green Arrow, and sometimes only get to the shop once a month, so when I get home, read the story, and get to the last page, imagine how pissed off I am when I find that I have to buy a different title to finish what I started, and have that title to be sold out?! It sucks! Power Girl would be the opposite of that. The longest story arc I think lasted maybe three issues, so it’s been pretty easy to pick up wherever you want.

 

Ha ha! Get it?! There are globes in the way of her globes! And one of those uses of “globes” isn’t in the literal sense!

Is it anything new to have a female superhero with giant boobs? No, not at all. Since the invention of huge boobs and of comics, you will find the two being combined. What makes Power Girl more entertaining is the fact that, even though I only jokingly mentioned it earlier, they actually can be used as a super power, at times. Her appearance causes villains to assume she is all looks and no brains, and can use that to her advantage. And male super villains tend to get distracted while she is around, thus opening up a weakness they can take advantage of. It’s just bad guys showing up, explaining why they will win, then getting punched a lot. It’s a simple formula, but it’s a formula that works. Issue 12 will be the last issue for the current creative team, so either catch up now or wait until issue 13, if there is an issue 13. Also, here’s an apology in advance to Rampaige for using the word “boobs” in this review more than any other (so far).

 

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Pride of Baghdad [REVIEW]

May 20, 2010 3 Comments


I’m sure most of you assume this book will be about the homosexual revolution in Baghdad, so I am sorry to disappoint. The “pride” in which the title refers to is a pride of lions that escaped from a zoo after a bombing by Americans in 2003. Written by Brian K. Vaughan, I bought this book when it came out without knowing anything about it, other than Y: The Last Man was awesome and written by Vaughan. It was shrink-wrapped and everything so I couldn’t easily flip through the pages with my greasy little fingers. Lucky for me, I was not at all disappointed. I even bought this book for my brother for Christmas one year. And in case you’re reading this, you still have a bunch of my comics you jerk! I didn’t forget!

 

Someone needs to tell this lion to cool his jets! (insert sad trombone sound)

The group of lions that this book focuses on are a young male, Ali,  his father Zill  and mother Noor, and a much older, more jaded female, Safa. We see them in the Baghdad zoo, trying to figure out a way to escape. Shortly after, they realize that something is going on that is causing danger for the keepers, and then walls start exploding. We see them bicker and complain about what is happening around them, who is to blame, where to go for safety, and how to find food. We also realize that Safa spent a considerable time in the wild before becoming captive, and that Noor has spent most of her life in captivity, so most time is spent bickering about which life was better. We also learn of a love affair between Zill and Safa, which is obviously a touchy subject. Through the course of finding food, running into threats, and eventually coming to an end to their search for freedom, that human casualties aren’t the only casualties in war.

 

SPOILER ALERT: This giraffe’s head explodes. Sorry!

It’s quite difficult using animals to tell a story, especially a story about the horror of war. Vaughan did an amazing job of telling both sides of the story, while also making a statement about the current occupation of American troops in Iraq, without being too heavy-handed. Whether it was Safa talking about being raped by multiple lions in her life in the wild and security she felt being in a zoo, or an old turtle the pride comes across who discusses how long people have been fighting over the “black stuff” that comes from the Earth, the story is approached from multiple angles. In addition to being wonderfully written, the art by Niko Henrichon is just as incredible. He has very angular and distinct illustrations that give everything not only a realistic look, but somehow also an exaggerated look. Not everything in life is round and smooth as in most books, but nothing can really be as sharp as the way Henrichon draws them, or can they? In my experience, even some of the best artists can only settle for doing a “good” job, meaning no matter how good they are, they still play second fiddle to the writer. In this case, I don’t think this book could have succeeded without the combination of Vaughan and Henrichon. I keep trying to naturally segue into all of the topics that this book touches on, from war to freedom to animal rights to civil rights, but it’s just such a complex a wonderful book that I recommend you do yourself a favor and just read it.

 

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Paranormal Entity (2009) [REVIEW]

May 18, 2010 4 Comments

 

You are going to have to believe me when I say I didn’t know this movie was released by The Asylum. If you aren’t familiar with this production company, you might be familiar with some of their titles, which include Snakes On A Train, Transmorphers, and The Terminators. That’s right, they get people to rent their movies by naming their movies after blockbusters that either came out recently or are about to come out. It’s a great strategy to get idiots to watch your movie. I can just see a 12 year old asking their mom to go to Blockbuster and telling her to get Transformers and once she sees “Transmorphers”, she says FUCK IT to herself, because she’s probably dead inside already. This isn’t to say all of their films are just riding the wave of the popularity of other films, they also release original films. Maybe you have heard of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, or maybe even Mega Piranha. Both of these films star a former teeny bopping singer and a middle-aged former TV actor. The perfect equation! Don’t get too excited though, Paranormal Entity isn’t one of their original creations.

 

Look at the height of emotion being conveyed. Or would it be depth of emotion? Whatever, I’m being sarcastic.

Don’t get déjà vu while reading this review thinking you are reading a review for Paranormal Activity, or at least try not to. This film opens with a title card describing the murder/rape/suicide of one family, and we are apparently about to watch the footage of weird events in their home. We are then introduced to the Finleys, Ellen, Samantha, and Thomas, who are mother, daughter, and son. The majority of activity is focused on Ellen and Samantha, and after seeing Samantha, you can see why. I think before you even see her face you see her giant gazongas, which gives you the idea that at some point she might not be fully clothed. I actually wonder if they purposely hired an actress with massive mammaries on purpose. I remember watching Paranormal Activity with Rampaige and she kept pointing out the main actress looked as though her jugs might explode out of her shirt. Either way, you get the feeling that Thomas is kind of a pervert with his sister.

 

“What do you mean, taking you clothes off doesn’t seem natural? First, you go to bed. Then, you get warm so you take off your clothes. Then, the ghost takes the blankets off. Then, you show me your boobs, errr, show the GHOST your boobs.”

It should come as no surprise that spooky things start happening. We also learn that their father recently passed away, and there is brief talk about whether the spooky things are a result of the fathers spirit. Ellen disagrees and says that all of the events are quite negative and there is no way her husband is responsible. It starts with things like a cross falling off a wall,  a TV turning on and off, and the answering machine recording weird noises. It escalates to the point of banging on doors, disembodied voices, and even footprints on the ceiling made of ash. Ellen and Samantha decide to leave, and Thomas tries to booby trap the house using fishing line and little bells. This scene was actually kind of creepy and effective in giving you the spooks. Ellen and Samantha come back to the house, claiming they were being haunted at the motel, and things only get worse. We start seeing Samantha in her underwear, then we see her yelling and naked in the bathtub, only to be saved by her brother (ew). Ellen eventually slits her wrists in a suicide attempt, and while hospitalized, Thomas finds Samantha being raped by invisibility, so yes we see her boobs again, then she dies for some reason.

 

Contrary to popular belief, everyone looks better from this angle.

I’m not sure if you have seen any other Asylum films, because I am willing to bet this one is better than all the others. To be fair, I think the only other one I have seen was Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but still, this was better than that one was. Did Asylum release Raptor Island? I saw that movie, which still sucked, but I guess that’s not too important. Considering how low the production value was for Paranormal Activity, I wouldn’t be surprised if this movie had a comparable budget. And since the acting in Paranormal Activity wasn’t necessarily the best, I think the acting in Paranormal Entity was about on par. The biggest difference in the two films was their subtlety, therefore the difference was the effectiveness of the scares. With Paranormal Activity, the buildup was slower, and the biggest thing that happened was the girl getting dragged out of bed. Paranormal Entity, I think in order to hook it’s viewer, started showing things falling down and turning on a lot earlier. Paranormal Activity‘s scares started at about a 2 or 3 on the spook factor, and led to a 10 in the last five minutes. Paranormal Entity started out with a 3 or 4, which is why by the end of the movie they had to go above and beyond by showing Samantha being raped by an invisible ghost. Both as a movie on its own and as a just a reproduction of Paranormal Activity, this movie isn’t really all that bad. Plus there are boobs in it.

 

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Eden Lake (2008) [REVIEW]

May 16, 2010 Leave a comment

 

This is one of the hardest reviews I will ever have to do in my life. Actually, let me specify. Not that this specific film is the hardest review I will ever have to do, but this caliber of film is the hardest to do. When I see a movie that’s good, or even great, I can’t wait to talk about it. When I see a movie that’s terrible, I can’t wait to spew acid from my fingertips and onto the keyboard. But with this specific quality of film, the ones that are just kind of bad but not terrible, that it’s like pulling teeth to sit myself down and do this. I actually watched this movie a week and a half ago, but like I said, I can barely muster the iron will and resolve it takes to waste 15 minutes of my time typing up this review. And if you know anything about me, you also know I am always extremely busy with very important stuff to do at all times of every day.

 

You can tell this kid is a little bastard because he is wearing sunglasses at night…NEAR FIRE.

We have an aesthetically pleasing couple being all in love and stuff in the beginning of the film. What does this pleasant looking couple do? Well they go to Eden Lake, of course! What are you, an idiot?! Of course you are. What happens at Eden Lake, you may ask? Why, the boy secretly looks at a ring that he is planning on putting on his lucky lady’s finger, of course! Oh how romantic. But then what happens? A bunch of kids are being obnoxious and noisy at Eden Lake! Dammit! That’s really the worst, isn’t it? The young couple get annoyed, and the little bastards escalate their bullying to the point of possible car thievery. The kids end up being even bigger shitheads by beating up and torturing the young man. And what does the female do? Tries to escape, as well as try to fight back. Sadly, she seeks solace from the tormentors at a nearby house, and encounters the parents of the main little bastard, and the woman gets killed or something.

 

I would be scared, but you can’t here that kid singing Creed lyrics.

I think I saw this movie on the list of the best horror movies of 2008, and that would be incorrect. As I mentioned in my opening, this movie isn’t poorly acted or shot or directed, it’s just that there is really nothing that sets this movie apart from the crowd of films involving shitheads acting like douches to pretty people in the woods. I guess you could say there was kind of a twist by having the house she goes to for rescue is just the parents house, who are also shitheads, but even that trick has been pulled before. Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but I suppose if there is absolutely nothing else on TV and you have no other plans, you won’t die from watching it.

 

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Iron Man 2 (2010) [REVIEW]

May 13, 2010 1 Comment

 

Get comfortable kids, I can already tell this is going to be a long one. Not necessarily because it deserves a super long review, but I have a feeling I am going to start rambling and going off on a few tangents, so don’t say I haven’t warned you. How awesome was the first Iron Man movie? Well, I will tell you, it was really awesome. It was really similar to the first Spider-Man movie, where they really had a great mixture of action, humor, and fun. Robert Downey Jr. was perfect as an egotistical playboy millionaire, like he had years of practice or something. Gwyneth Paltrow was just the right mix of sassy and sweet as Pepper Potts, while Jeff Bridges was surprisingly convincing as Obidiah Stone, and then later as Iron Monger. They really set the bar high for Marvel, so everyone had high expectations for the sequel. The biggest concern for me was how many new characters/actors were being incorporated and I was nervous we would suffer from Spider-Man 3 syndrome. Considering it had mixed reviews, I went into this movie with low expectations, and they were definitely surpassed. I’m going to break my traditional review format this time around so that each character can be addressed with the strengths/weaknesses. Plus, considering how much money it made this weekend, you either already saw this movie or are on your way to see it, so I won’t go into detail about the specifics of the plot.

 

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man

In the first film, he was pitch-perfect as a narcissistic genius. He had the right humor and confidence for the role, and I think no matter how high your expectations were for him as Tony Stark, he still managed to exceed them. We aren’t going to have scenes quite like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man where he is really awkward and bumbling around with his powers, RDJ instead handled every accident or mishap with a cool swagger, as if he knew that was supposed to happen. So here in Iron Man 2, he does just as good of a job. One major development in this film is the fact that the hardware implanted into his chest is actually leaking into his body and poisoning him, and there are multiple scenes of hm just wallowing in his own self-pity. Which isn’t to say he doesn’t counteract that by getting shitfaced and putting on the Iron Man suit at his birthday party, because he does. For as depressed as he has to get in some moments, he also has to juxtapose that by being even more cocky when it is called for. And as far as the suit goes, the cool thing about Iron Man is he is always upgrading his suits to be capable of anything they need to be capable of. It might be cheating, yes, but it works for the character that he is also fine tuning and tweaking the best ways to make the suit better or more adaptable for any given obstacle in his way. Also displayed even more in this movie is how much of a genius Tony Stark really is. It’s easy to watch the first one and say he’s a smart guy who inherited a lot of money, but in this film you really see just how smart he is when it comes to developing tech, manipulating computers, and even creating a brand new element. Another job well done for RDJ.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts

Another great performance as Pepper, combining the sweet and innocent Pepper with the cold, calculated, take no shit from Tony Stark Pepper. She was the moral barometer for the film, and you knew that if Pepper was mad, you should be mad. If Pepper was sympathetic, you should be sympathetic. Her role in this film isn’t as large as it was in the first film, but still, she did a great job.

 

Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer

This could also be read as “Sam Rockwell as Sam Rockwell”, considering he is pretty much the same character in every film. However, it’s a character I love watching and have been a fan of since the first time I saw Charlie’s Angels. If you like Sam Rockwell, I recommend checking out Confessions of a Dangerous Mind as well as Moon, but don’t hurt yourself trying to see Choke. The character he plays is generally someone who thinks they are smooth talking, but really isn’t, yet they still manage to find success. In this film, Justin Hammer is the financial supporter of the villain Whiplash, who is clearly trying to take down Iron Man. Since Justin Hammer is a rival weapons contractor, he obviously wants Tony Stark to go down in flames. He’s cool when he needs to be cool, and a dork when he needs to be a dork. You could probably put Sam Rockwell in any movie as any character and that movie will instantly be more entertaining.

 

Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko/Whiplash

Honestly, what more needs to be said about Mickey Rourke? He was quasi-popular in the 90′s, then disappeared into obscurity, and had a huge career boost thanks to Robert Rodriguez and Sin City. Since he played Marv in that film, he has been the quintessential middle-aged ugly guy that you feel like you know, and he even got nominated for an Oscar for his role in The Wrestler. Imagine everyone’s excitement when you found out he was going to be a villain in Iron Man 2, and that it was a Russian convict covered in Russian prison tattoos who has weird lightsaber whips as weapons. Yeah, it doesn’t get much more awesome than that. He was obviously as awesome as anticipated, despite the fact that he had weird blond streaks in his hair, as well as just not being used enough. I mean, he was used enough to successfully scare the shit out of Rampaige, but that’s not too challenging.

 

Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury

Considering the Ultimate Universe (which I will discuss later) version of Nick Fury was based on Sam Jackson, it was impossible for him to fail. He was gruff, stern, sarcastic, and just fun to watch. And he has a nine picture deal with Marvel. NINE MOVIES. Who does that? Granted, he will probably just have a couple of scenes in all of those movies, but still, pretty awesome. Without giving away too much, it seemed like the main reason he was there was to set up the Captain America, Thor, and Avengers movies that will all be coming out in the next few years. In case you didn’t know these movies were going on, there were some fun hints at their existence, but if you are a huge dork like me, you are following all of their developments and those hints were no surprise.

 

Don Cheadle as Jim Rhodes/War Machine

War Machine. That name right there says it all, if you ask me. I don’t think there was necessarily anything wrong with Terrence Howard‘s portrayal of this character in the first movie, he was just kind of there. He existed, and responded to that name, but that was about it. I kind of assumed the same of Don Cheadle in this movie, because both are great actors, but if you don’t write the character correctly, there is only so much an actor can do. And it turns out, Don Cheadle did a lot more than expected. Obviously the main role of this character is to be a sidekick/best friend and help out Iron Man when he needs it, and that’s how the character was developed. Along the way, he certainly developed more of an edge, considering he is a soldier, so there are times when his priorities are towards his country rather than just being buddies with Tony Stark. This was played into more in this movie, in the fact that Rhodes put on one of Stark’s suits to beat him into submission when he was in a drunken outburst, which also happened to have a soundtrack of Daft Punk’s “Robot Rock”, which was pretty awesome. Cheadle gave Rhodes/War Machine a voice of his own, and you can totally see him having a movie on his own, or at least being involved in other films without Tony Stark standing right there.

 

Scarlett Johansson as Natalie Rushman/Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow

I saved the best for last. Seriously, I mean that, I wasn’t just avoiding talking about her. And to be completely honest, this was a character that I had the most doubts about as far as casting was concerned. I have never really been a big fan of Scarlett Johansson, or at least of her acting anyway. I mean, I can watch her in everything, which might be why I own The Nanny Diaries on DVD (don’t judge me). As far as her acting chops, I’ve just never really been impressed. I knew she would look good in the suit, but whether or not she could pull off the attitude of the character was questionable. Surprisingly, the reasons why I generally am not impressed by most of her roles were the reasons she worked as this character. She showed little emotion, didn’t really talk all that much, and always had a hidden agenda, so she always seemed a little detached. Based on this character in the comics, you knew ScarJo would be a spy, wear black spandex, have red hair, and have a Russian accent. I suppose three out of four isn’t that bad. She made up for the Russian by kicking total ass. As cool as it was when Iron Man fought people, I was even more shocked by all the crazy flipping and kicking and jumping that Black Widow was doing.

 

Wolfgang in his War Machine outfit.

So guys, what does the future hold for our heroes? Well, we’ve got Thor currently being filmed with a 2011 release, Captain America: The First Avenger is about to start filming with a 2011 release, and an Avengers movie slated to be released in 2012. Any details about these movies would just be conjectures at this point…so here’s my own personal conjecture! I am going to have to take a trip in the way back machine to 2002 before we get started…

 

Oceanic 815! Get it? Like, travel back in time, and LOST has tons of that shit going on? Shut up.

The X-Men movie was released all the way back in 1999, and was a financial success. It was able to sell movie tickets, toys, memorabilia, all that stuff. If it wasn’t for the success of this film, Spider-Man wouldn’t have been possible. One area that didn’t see a huge financial surge were the actual comics books. It was difficult for someone seeing the movie to run to their local comic book store and pick up the most recent issue, because they wouldn’t know most of the characters or plots of what was happening. So in 2002, with the release of Spider-Man, they started a new line of comic books called the Ultimate Universe, starting with Ultimate Spider-Man. They started at issue number one and retold the character’s origins, as well as made things a little more contemporary. This way, when people left the movie, they could go start buying more comics. This led to Ultimate Fantastic Four, Ultimate X-Men, as well as a title called The Ultimates, which was a revamped version of The Avengers.

 

 

The Ultimates were originally consisted of Bruce Banner (the Hulk), Hank and Janet Pym (Giant Man and the Wasp), Tony Stark (Iron Man),  and Thor (Thor, the god of thunder, I just wanted to put something in parentheses), and were run by Nick Fury. Nick Fury was always a hard-ass with an eye patch, so what was the best way to convey to an audience unfamiliar with his character his magnitude of badass-ery? Draw him like Samuel L. Jackson, and the people will know what he’s all about. The plot involved finding Steve Rogers frozen in the Atlantic Ocean and thawing him out, and of course he joins these Ultimate Avengers as Captain America. Down the line, these Avengers receive help from other superheroes, most notably would be Black Widow. Six out of the eight characters I just mentioned have either appeared on-screen or have been cast and are already filming, I am going to go ahead and predict the films have been following the structure of this Ultimate Universe. This means that the Camptain America movie, entitled “Captain America: The First Avenger”, will primarily take place during World War II, involve him fighting the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving, already cast), who is a huge Nazi bad guy, and then being thrown into the Atlantic, only to be thawed out in time for the release of the Avengers movie the following summer. And I know what you’re thinking…what about the fact the Edward Norton was so displeased with the last movie, why would he do another one? Well, in the first Ultimates storyline, Bruce Banner actually takes a whole bunch of steroids and adrenaline to hulk out and destroy everyone, so that the Ultimate Avengers had someone to stop. I wouldn’t be surprised if the part gets cast by some nobody and the Hulk is only involved as a CGI aspect. But that’s just this man’s opinion.

 

This doesn’t have much to do with Iron Man 2, but who is going to complain? Correction…who is going to complain that is NOT my girlfriend?

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, I saw Iron Man 2. It was a lot of fun, not as surprisingly fun as the first film, but still extremely enjoyable, and served it’s purpose of building up more hype and anticipation for Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, and The Avengers.

 

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The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009) [REVIEW]

May 10, 2010 8 Comments

 

I told my co-worker about my plan to see a movie called “The Human Centipede“. The response was, “Is that something like Spider-Man, but with a centipede?”, and I responded with, “Yes, but with a super power of eating the poop out of a butt you are surgically attached to, after that butt had already eaten the poop out of another butt, that it was also surgically attached to.” So yes, basically the same exact thing. And I know you are thinking this is an immature way to describe a film of this magnitude, and you’re right, but it’s fun to say poop and butt a lot. If there were a more sophisticated way of explaining what goes on in this movie using medical terms, I would, but considering Wolfgang reads this, he brings the average IQ of my readers down quite a few percentage points.

 

These women should consider themselves lucky that all they got was mouth to butt sewing action if they think they can wander around Germany wearing those outfits.

Our film opens with a psycho German looking at pictures of what appear to be dogs sniffing each others butts. After further inspection…yes, the dogs are sewn to each others’ butts through their snouts. We cut to two American girls, who seem like idiots, trying to get directions to a club. They never find the club, and instead get a flat tire and decide to wander about the woods. Their future turns bleak as you see them walk past a grave marker with the words “To My Beloved 3-Hound” on it, and clearly they are when the only house they find belongs to mister crazy German. After drugging them and restraining them, he lets the two women, and one man, who we assume was kidnapped in a similar fashion earlier, know what his plans are. Yup, you guessed it, butt sewing and knee-cap cutting. There is a brief, and unsuccessful, escape attempt, and then the human centipede has been constructed.

 

That shit in the background? Yeah, that let’s you know just how complicated this surgery will be…for an eight year old.

The German doctor then starts trying to train his centipede to fetch the paper and help it learn to walk, but surprisingly, the participants aren’t really interested. Then comes the scene that everyone fears…the scene where the first guy has to poop, and the girl in the middle has to eat the poop. This was probably the part that made me most queasy, thinking about how she had no choice but to have poop in her mouth, and she couldn’t spit it out, but didn’t want to swallow, and probably threw up in her own mouth, and, well, you get the idea. After a few physicals, we learn that the middle woman is constipated and that the girl on the end of the centipede isn’t reacting well to the whole process and is dying. This is when the cops start investigating the disappearance of the girls, which causes them to show up at the doctor’s house. This line of questionings leads to the climax of the film, which I won’t spoil.

 

I heard that to prepare for their roles, these women sniffed butts for two months prior to filming.

The idea of this movie is fucked up. You know this going into the movie, but still somehow think it will be even more fucked up than you imagine. Surprisingly, it is exactly as fucked up as you imagined, therefor you aren’t really surprised by anything that happens on screen. In a lot of other films where people are shocked or repulsed by gore, you don’t understand how much gore or what types of things happen from the trailer alone. Yet with this film, everything you need to know about how fucked up it gets is contained in the trailer, so it’s almost a disappointment that it isn’t even gnarlier. I said almost a disappointment, but not quite. Once you come to grips with what the movie is about, it’s really not that horrific. You find out that the surgeon was a top surgeon when it came to conjoined twins, which he thought were beautiful, and wanted to see if he could create one, which he did. I went to see this at a midnight showing, so obviously everyone there was looking for the spectacle of it all, and I assume a good amount of people were drunk. This resulted in lots of laughing, and in retrospect, I wonder if it was deserved laughter. Dieter Laser, who played the surgeon, was terrifying. He was like Lance Henriksen, but scarier and more German. He was so over-the-top, you almost didn’t want him to leave, despite the fact that he regularly whipped his centipede. Most of his dialogue and acting was so insane, it caused laughter, so it’s hard to tell whether this movie was purposely over-the-top, or if it’s hard not to laugh at the absurdity of it. There were definitely a few scenes where it was clearly supposed to be so bad that it was laughable, but I really can’t remember if the whole movie was supposed to be that way.

 

Adults wearing diapers? Check. Bloody knee pads? Check. Looks like a regular Saturday night at the old Wolfman residence! Okay just kidding…I meant a regular Tuesday night.

I’m actually kind of interested in the science behind it. All this guy did was cut some ligaments in the knee so that apparently these people couldn’t physically stand up, and had teeth removed and a few stitches were strategically attaching buttholes to mouths, and then boom, human centipede. It kept making me wonder why the subjects didn’t just start shaking their heads around like a dog with a stuffed toy, in hopes of dislodging or ripping all of the stitches? Does this doctor understand the way the digestive system works, and the fact that there wouldn’t be enough nutrients in the first guy’s poop to keep the middle lady alive, let alone the third lady? Rampaige and I also discussed the specifics, such as whether of not the doctor used butthole skin to create a tube through which the poop traveled through directly to the esophagus (her idea), or if there was no tube and the middle lady had to actively put in the effort to chew on and swallow the poop, rather than use her tongue to push it out of the seams like a shitty Play Doh factory (my idea)? And yes, I did purposely say it was a shitty Play Doh factory. If it seems that this review raised more questions about The Human Centipede than answered, go see it for yourself and let me know what answers you have for me…after you finish throwing up, that is.

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Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk [REVIEW]

May 5, 2010 4 Comments

 

I remember reading the first issue of this series back in December of 2005. I mean honestly, Hulk vs. Wolverine? Fuck yes! Then I had to wait two months to read the next one. Even after two issues, there was talk of fighting, but no actual fighting, but it was promised to happen in the third issue. And then the third issue was released…THREE GODDAMN YEARS LATER. I have heard of delays in comic books, but three years? Seriously? It was actually my favorite joke at the comic book store. I tried to reference it as often as possible by saying “Oh hey guys, I can’t believe they finally released number three!” or “I saw that it’s being released next week, can I put a copy on reserve?”. When it finally got released, I almost didn’t believe it, and figured it was a joke. And after all of this disappointment, was it even worth it?

 

I knew you were going to look for this image, so I figured I would put this right here to save everyone some time.

The first issue starts with Wolverine slow regaining consciousness, only to realize his legs are no longer attached. Luckily, we got a nice two page splash image of Hulk ripping Wolverine in two, then throwing Wolverine’s legs four miles UP a mountain. How awesome is that? The first two issues let us know that Nick Fury has sent Wolverine to Tibet to kill the Hulk because he is just a huge asshole. Then once they start their fight, She-Hulk also shows up to try to destroy everything, and Nick Fury then drops a bomb on all three of them. From there, Wolverine is just a severed head trying to regrow the rest of his body. After getting in touch with the mutant Forge, who has the ability to create practically any device he can think of, Wolverine gets two collars that, once attached to a subject, would require something like one billion million kajillion tons of force to open. The plan? Wolverine will put these on Hulk and She-Hulk, while still in human form, knowing that if they Hulk out, they will strangle themselves and die.

Muscles, veins, green boobs! What more could a guy ask for?!

One thing that I had completely forgotten was the fact that in these comic book face-offs, nobody actually wins or loses. Generally, it just ends up at a stalemate, everyone hugs, then fights a bad guy. This was still fun to read, and I recommend checking it out just for a fun action comic, but it also ends up in a stalemate. The problem with this specific title ending this way is that the writer Damon Lindelof, claimed one of them would die. I guess Wolverine kind of died, because his head came off, but still, he came back to life, which is cheating. Since this was the Ultimate universe, I did like the explanation of who She-Hulk was, and why she existed, but I don’t want to ruin it for you.

 

The real fight everyone wanted to see. WOLVERINE FIGHTING A FUCKING PANDA.

I guess looking back on all the delays and false promises, I can understand it. In case Damon Lindelof sounded familiar, that’s because he’s one of the co-creators of LOST, so obviously he had more important things to take care of. I mean, without him, we wouldn’t have gotten to see Matthew Fox shirtless nearly as many times as we have. It also makes sense that Lindelof claimed “somebody will die”, probably forgot he made that claim, and had Wolverine half-assedly die. Kind of reminds you of “Holy shit, there’s polar bears on the island?!” and then two seasons later say, “Oh so there was a zoo on the island? Whatever.” Also, the artist, Leinil Francis Yu, was the artist for the big crossover event in 2008, Secret Invasion. Most likely any attempt to contact him to finally do the art for Wolverine vs. Hulk was met with a “Yeah sure, I bet it really will come out this time.”

 

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