2010 June « The Wolfman Cometh

Creep (2004) [REVIEW]

June 28, 2010 1 Comment

I can’t remember exactly how I came across this movie, but it was most likely because of either Rue Morgue or Bloody Disgusting, so I had low standards. I did see that Franka Potente was in it, and she was awesome in Run Lola Run. I remember watching that movie pretty much every day the summer I first got a TV in my room. Well, actually, I alternated between that and BASEketball, because I taped that off of Pay-Per-View. Hard as it may be to believe, the film Creep is neither like Run Lola Run nor BASEketball.

Franka Potente not running and not being called Lola.

Our film opens with a sewage inspectors checking out…the sewer system. One of them is dragged off into inevitable death, and we then check in with Franka Potente. Leaving a party, she heads to the “Tube”, which is British for the subway. She falls asleep and apparently misses her train, and freaks out and tries to leave. Luckily a train shows up, and a friend from the party gets on. But guess what? Yup, he tries to rape her. Before he can accomplish that, something rips him off the train and destroys him. After a few trials and tribulations in the Tube, Franka finds that there is someone after her and anyone else who stays in the subway too late, and that person is in fact, a Creep. By creep, I mean some weird inbred retarded mongoloid subway dweller.

In the UK, the subway is called the Tube and flashlights are called torches. That’s all I got.

After some deaths and close calls, Franka, whose character is actually named Kate if anyone cares, is eventually captured by the Creep. He keeps her in a cage, as well as one of the sewage workers from the beginning. They manage to escape, and stumble upon a weird underground hospital with fetuses in jars and cribs. They also find a homeless woman who lives in the tunnels strapped to a baby delivering chair. They hear the Creep approaching, so they hide, and we get to see this freak cram a machete up the woman’s baby making parts. Ouch. There’s some more running and hiding and chasing, and we eventually learn that Creep is actually named Craig, as he was one of the babies from the abandoned crib. Big surprise, a huge creep named Craig. Franka/Kate eventually throws a hook into his neck, attached to a chain, and then the chain is run over by the train and ripped out, and Franka wins the day. Hooray!

The Creep being a creep to someone who finds him creepy.

Surprisingly, not all that bad of a movie. It was reminiscent of two films for me. The idea of being trapped in a subway station or subway car after dark is terrifying, which reminded me of the concept of Midnight Meat Train. Then, halfway through the film, you realize there is some sort of monster after you, which reminded me a lot of The Descent. Comparisons aside, this movie was pretty entertaining. Had some interesting shots and cool editing, and a different enough twist on something we have seen done a few times. Only drawback, which might not be a drawback to everyone, was never explaining who this guy was. He was more human than monster, and we never really found out what the hospital stuff was and why he lived down there. I’m sure there are other people who would be pissed off if they explained anymore, but I don’t really give a shit.

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Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with baby, baseketball, craig, creep, don't pee on the third rail, flashlight, fleshlight, franka potente, matt stone, psycho, retarded mongoloid, run lola run, sewage, south park, subway, torch, trey parker, tube, weirdo

Chupacabra Terror (2005) [REVIEW]

June 27, 2010 4 Comments

I know what you’re thinking, because I once stood in your shoes. You’re wondering why this film found it necessary to include the word “terror” in the title, after already using the word “Chupacabra”. Apparently, they felt the need to specify that this film was based on instances of the Chupacabra existing, and terror ensuing. I hear they were also the masterminds behind “Chocolate Chip Cookie Deliciousness”, “Veronica Mars Boner Time”, and “Megan Fox Suicide”. Normally when I hang with a Chupacabra it results in playing Scattergories, talking about boys, then falling asleep while watching Glee, only to wake up spooning each other. It’s not gay or anything, because I’m always the little spoon.

Hahaha look at his funny little stupid hat.

The film opens with a ten minute scene which involves capturing the Chupacabra…WITH A FUCKING NET. FROM THE SKY. How are we supposed to be afraid of something whose weakness is nets? Also, the Chupacabra is this big monster, or rather, a guy in a big monster suit. I was always under the impression that the Chupacabra was little, so apparently the masters behind Chupacabra Terror based their film and actual first-hand experiences. Anyways, the monster is captured and put on a cruise ship for transport. Who is the captain of the ship? Mother fucking John Rhys-Davies. Yes, the man who was in the two best Indiana Jones films as well as the Lord of the Rings series. However, I just checked his filmography, and most of what he has been in has been total shit. Pardon my aggression. So, surprisingly, the Chupacabra escapes, kills some people, there are some scenes where they think they have it cornered, and then the characters think they are cornered, blah blah blah. Then the boat blows up, and John Rhys-Davies and company make it to safety.

Pretty sure the design for the Chupacabra was “imagine if the Predator had downs syndrome”.

In case you can’t tell already, this movie was pretty terrible. However, I can point out two things that worked in its favor. First, it was actually paced pretty well. I watch a lot of bad movies where I can’t wait for the credits to roll, but despite its subject matter and dialogue, I remained relatively interested in the film. Maybe I just kept hoping John Rhys-Davies would make a joke about using an axe to kill it or maybe talk about camels, but I was interested nonetheless. The other thing was a scene where the guy who captured Chupacabra talked about cryptozoology. Maybe it’s just because I think cryptozoology and cryptids in general are pretty cool, but seeing someone talk about it somewhat intelligently, despite being in a film called Chupacabra Terror, was surprising.

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Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with chocolate chip cookies, chupacabra, chupacabra terror, cruise ship, cryptids, cryptozoology, giml, indiana jones, john rhys-davies, jurassic park, lord of the rings, megan fox, peter jackson, sallah, sasquatch, sean connery, suicide, the hobbit, veronica mars

Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008) [REVIEW]

June 25, 2010 1 Comment

Holy shit did this movie has some monster-sized balls, with a dick to match. I mean that figuratively and literally. I really only vaguely remember the first installment of the Feast series. I know it was part of that Project Greenlight bullshit that made people realize that not everyone’s first movie ends up being Good Will Hunting, but I think it took three seasons for people to realize that. I remember Henry Rollins being in the original, which was pretty awesome. There were monsters fucking each other, one monster had his dick cut off by a door, and you saw it flopping all around, and let’s not forget the scene where Krista Allen pins a monster to the floor, punches its teeth out, and shoves her whole arm so far down the thing’s throat that it suffocates and dies. So why didn’t this movie get a better reception? Who knows. But it apparently was successful enough to spawn not one, but two sequels, the first of which I watched recently.

SPOILER ALERT: There’s a scene where a midget in a trash can fights a monster.

We have Biker Queen, yes, that’s the character’s name, roll up to the town where the monster fest took place in the first film. First thing she does? Kills a dog. Bad move if you want Rampaige to keep watching this without crying. She finds the owner of the bar from the first film to help her find out what happened to her sister, who was killed in Feast. She makes him grab the tail pipe of her motorcycle and the palm of his hand melts to the tailpipe, and when he pulls it away it’s like a cheese pizza. FUCK YES. The pair then stumbles upon the trailer park where the newest batch of monsters is running amuck.

Honey Pie? More like Bloody Pie! Am I right here guys?! Anyone?

Among the residents of this town are Cockroach from The Cosby Show, a tag team of midget wrestlers, a character from the first film named “Honey Pie“, and random other expendables. You really found out how nuts this movie was going to be when Honey Pie is discovered by the owner of the tavern. He is obviously displeased with her presence, so he smashes her fucking face on a toilet for a good five minutes, before she jumps out of a goddamned window. There is an autopsy scene where a monster is slowly dismantled, and everything they discovered results in bodily fluids being shot from multiple orifices. This includes the monster shitting, farting, and pissing on everyone, which results in most of the characters puking all over the goddamned place.

From Left: Midget who was in Corky Romano, Midget whose penis you see, Cockroach, Biker Queen’s arm, Tit Girl/Tat Girl (those are interchangeable), Blonde girl who dies

Our main characters find themselves stranded on a rooftop, which is when Cockroach takes the initiative. It’s almost like that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo and Cockroach want to be on Dance Mania, but there’s only room for one, and Cockroach offers it to Theo, but then Theo offers it back to Cockroach, who then runs in and gets freaknasty with lots of women wearing neon spandex. Actually, the rest of the movie is exactly like that. He decides the best way to get off of the roof is to construct a trebuchet, or maybe it’s a catapult, I can’t really remember. For some reason, this requires Biker Queen’s sidekicks, Tit Girl and Tat Girl, to disrobe. Honestly, those are the names of the characters. They both have tits and tattoos though so I don’t really know how they decided who was who.

Neither titted, neither tatted, neither midget-ed…are you still reading?

The trebuchet was designed for the wrestler midgets, but to test the weight, they decide to use their grandmother, whose skin has been disintegrating after getting pissed and shit on. They slowly pull body parts off of her until she is the appropriate weight. She successfully makes it to another roof, but when they test the first wrestler, he falls short (heh, short) and gets torn up. At another point, one character hears a baby, and attempts to rescue it. He finds the baby, starts running, but once the monsters see him and start chasing him, he decides that the baby isn’t really that important so he tosses it over his shoulder to distract them. He makes it back to the roof, but as the monsters finally make it to the roof, the credits abruptly roll as we assume everyone is done for.

That trash can gave a sense of foreboding of things to come.

Name one other movie where this amount of insane stuff happens, other than of course Sahara starring Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn. This movie was just a little too long for me, at about an hour and forty-five minutes, but they really covered all the bases. I suppose I can see why this wasn’t released theatrically, since it didn’t have quite the appeal of, say, Whiteout, about a killer snow storm, but it was pretty entertaining. I can’t really say it was “good” per-se, nor that I will go out of my way to watch it again, but that one time I watched it was pretty mind-blowing. I didn’t even get to talk about the fact that the character of Honey Pie gets locked in a convenience store and can’t seem to break a window to get out, which results in a monster fucking a cat and creating a cat-fuck-monster, but I didn’t think it was necessarily integral to the plot. More so just an added bonus of seeing more Honey Pie and more cat-on-monster erotica. You don’t see that too often anymore, cat-on-monster erotica. If you enjoyed the first film, I would say check this out. If you like gross-out horror films, I would check it out. If you think you can tell me the difference between Tit Girl and Tat Girl, then check it out, and tell me the answer.

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Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with bikers, bill cosby, black flag, blood, boobs, cats, cheese, cockroach, cosby show, dance mania, feast, feast 2, feast 2: sloppy seconds, Feast II, guts, henry rollins, honey pie, midgets, monster dicks, puke, tat girl, tattoo boobs, tattoos, theo, tit girl, toddlers, trebuchets, wrestlers

Lemora: A Child’s Tale of the Supernatural (1973) [REVIEW]

June 22, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve had this movie at my house for over a month and could really just never get too excited to watch it. It might be because Rampaige claimed to put it in and said it was about “stupid lesbian vampires”, which confused me for a few reasons. Firstly, a movie about lesbian vampires that apparently had “child” in the title. Secondly, the fact that I knew it wasn’t about lesbian vampires. Thirdly, how could a movie about lesbian vampires be bad? Either way, she was pretty convincing about how bad it was, so I put it off…until now! The following synopsis will be really confusing, as it was pieced together by memory and verification from Wikipedia.

See this creep? She does a lot of creeping in this film.

The film opens with a couple being shot while in bed. The shooter then tries to escape by car, but wrecks, and we then see a blonde girl singing in a church. Someone tells her she is going somewhere else, and she gets a ride from a weirdo to a cabin in the woods, where she is being held captive or something? There are monsters in the woods and we have a few chase scenes and then a woman comes to help her. The woman who helps her is named Lemora, not the main girl, which is also a little confusing. Lemora gives the girl a bath and pajamas, which I always allow strangers to do, then the girl starts snooping around the house.

Watch out, blonde girl! Those kids are dead! Never, ever, trust a dead kid.

During her snoops, the girl finds records of other children having been there before her, and the childrens ghosts show up from time to time. Then monsters and wolfmen start partying in the woods and Lemora and the child are hanging out in a church, then the party enters the church. By party, I mean fighting. Also some guy has been trying to track down the girl for some reason. The girl kills a werewolf, which she finds out is her father, which is the guy from the car crash in the beginning. It then cuts back to the girl singing in the church, so you don’t know if it was a dream or flashback or flash forward, maybe flash sideways like Lost.

WHAT THE FUCK…IS GOING ON…IN THIS PICTURE!?!?!?!

Confusing, isn’t it? If I didn’t know any better, I would have assumed this was an Italian horror film, in both a good and bad way. This film was a lot more surreal than I anticipated, with lots of disjointed and jarring visual and audio elements. Lots of disembodied voices and jumpcuts to strange imagery. I assume that had I watched this late at night by myself, I would be wildly terrified. Its drawback is that it’s definitely confusing. I had no fucking clue what was going on most of the time, but I guess looking back at what online synopses say, it kind of makes sense. I would like to remind you that this movie is PG. And yes, in the first five minutes, a couple is shot to death in bed. It’s kind of insane how much they could get away with back then. If you are looking for a movie that is aesthetically uncomfortable with a disjointed narrative, I would recommend this film, but if you want your movies to have some semblance of a plot, it might not be your thing.

Wolfman Moon Scale

I guess you can watch the whole movie on YouTube

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Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with argento, creepy kids, dharma initiative, drive by, gangsters, ghost movie, haunted, italy, lemora, lemora: a child's tale of the supernatural, lost, matthew fox, ring around the rosey, suspiria, true blood sucks, vampires, wolfkids, wolfman, wolfmen

Strangeland (1998) [REVIEW]

June 20, 2010 2 Comments

Remember back when the internet was a scary and confusing place? I’m not saying it’s not a scary and confusing place now. I mean, I still get confused trying to figure out how to make more space between the pictures and the captions. And I get scared of being violated when trying to find a free, non-urine covered couch on Craigslist. I meant the kind of scary when people didn’t know it’s capacity and limit to information. Have you ever seen the movie The Net? Kind of like that movie, where the internet was just some concept, and it was hard to grasp what exactly was going on other than fear of the internet. This movie was kind of like that. More specifically, it’s like using an “internet cafe” at your local mall, which happens to be near a Hot Topic. I’ll discuss that a little bit more in a second.

Face tattoos AND facial piercings?! How could he be anything BUT a psycho!

The movies opens with Linda Cardellini, yes I mean Velma from the recent Scooby Doo movies, using a chatroom. There are maybe 20 people in the chatroom, and she is explaining to her friend how the social networking chatroom works. This results in a random person inviting her to a party, and obviously she goes. How could going to a party you were just invited to by a stranger on the internet be a bad thing?!

Every Google image result was a picture of Dee Snider. I decide to instead type in “I hate Wolfgang” and this was the result.

Yup, she gets kidnapped and tortured. Her father happens to be a cop investigating the case. He finds her car in a river and noticed some weird piece of metal in the trunk. The tow truck driver says something along the lines of “WOW I KNOW WHAT THAT IS AND IT’S USED WITH NOSE PIERCINGS WOW I’M COOL I HAVE TATTOOS!’. This leads the detectives to some wacky rave freakshow with black lights and glow sticks and piercings and “heavy metal” and all the typical bullshit that Hollywood thinks is edgy and scary and weird. I don’t remember everything that follows, except the eventually catch the guy and send him to a mental institution. The end, right?

Rut Roh Raggy!

DEAD FUCKING WRONG. WE’RE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THIS PIECE OF SHIT MADNESS. Dee Snider plays the bad guy. Yes, the Twisted Sister himself. Ya know how I know he’s a psycho? He has face tattoos. After his rehabilitation, he is released into the general population, and uses makeup on his face tattoos to appear as less of a psycho. DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY, DEE! Robert Englund shows up, playing a concerned citizen exacting his own brand of revenge. It’s like that movie where the pedophile was killed by citizens and he started wearing sweaters and razor hands…but different. Englund and his buddies get Dee Snider because they’re all like “WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT…NO, WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT” and they lynch Dee Snider, which I’m sure we have all thought of doing before. But, and of course there is a but, they hang him from a tree while it’s raining, so the branch breaks and his makeup is washed off. HIS FACE TATTOOS REMIND HIM OF HIS PSYCHO WAYS AND HE ONCE AGAIN BECOMES A PSYCHO FREAK! I couldn’t care less about what happened after this, other than Dee Snider was set on fire in a church while swinging around from hook in his back. No, you didn’t read that incorrectly, Dee Snider was set on fire in a church while swinging around from hooks in his back.

Joe Pesci and Danny Glover star in Gone Fishin.

This movie was truly awful. And they made it as recently as 1998, when people realized the internet wasn’t that scary. I think they had already made their way to AOL 5.0 by that time. There was also a weird preaching scene about tattoos and piercings and how they are more than meets the eye, which is where Hot Topic comes into play. I am reminded of a kid who gets his first tattoo/piercing and goes into the deep symbolism behind it because his parents now think of him as a lowlife punk, and he’s all, “It’s a spiritual connection to the Shaman of my ancestors blah blah blah”. Nope, bullshit, it’s called “body art” for a reason. Reason being, it’s a way to change your physical appearance in order to be more artistically appealing…to some people. I didn’t get a giant shark fighting stormtroopers and Dr. Pepper cans tattooed on me to connect me to the primitive shark men in my heritage that fought against evil doctors who made everyone sneeze with their medicine, embodied in an aluminum can because I remember how hard the aluminum shortage of 1942 was on everyone and thought about the evil stormtroopers of Nazi Germany. I got it because it’s awesome. This movie, not awesome, it was terrible. And Wolfgang, fuck you for tricking me into thinking I should have seen this, because I thought you had, but you randomly chose a movie title from your ass because you saw it on the shelf at Movie Gallery all the time. Goddammit I am pissed I watched this.

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Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with AOL, awful, captain howdy, chatrooms, danny glover, dee snider, freaks and geeks, gone fishin, internet, joe pesci, linda cardellini, nip/tuck, piercing, sandra bullock, scooby doo, shit, strangeland, tattoos, terrible, the net, twisted sister, we're not gonna take it

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009) [REVIEW]

June 16, 2010 Leave a comment

I’ve seen quite a few of these straight-to-video comic book movies now, and they generally aren’t too impressive. I remember liking the first Ultimate Avengers movie, then the sequel was okay at best. The Invincible Iron Man was pretty terrible, and Superman/Doomsday was tolerable. Then you had Gotham Knight, which was pretty good, because it was multiple short films with different creative teams behind them. Hulk vs. Thor and Hulk vs. Wolverine came on the same DVD, which was okay, and Planet Hulk was pretty forgettable. So let’s just say that despite hearing that this was good, my expectations weren’t that high. I mean, how bad can a movie get in an hour and fifteen minutes?

Does anyone else assume all of his clothes smell like mint?

We start the film with test pilot Hal Jordan testing a flight simulator while an alien ship lands to Earth. All Green Lanterns, because yes, there are multiple members of the Green Lantern Corps, get their power from the help of a ring, which feeds off of their respective willpower. The alien aboard the ship dies and Hal Jordan is the latest recipient of the ring. He then meets up with other members of the Green Lantern Corps, and specifically, meets Sinestro. We then get to see Hal Jordan learn his powers and learn more about the mentor/apprentice relationship the develops with Sinestro. We ultimately find out the Sinestro has betrayed him and he eventually harnesses the power of a new lantern, which is based on fear rather than willpower. Then we have a typical showdown, and the good guys win. Surpisingly.

Good to know the Green Lantern Corps don’t have a weight limit, or a heart-throb detection device.

One thing I noticed as early as the credits was that Christopher Meloni was the voice of Hal Jordan, who is awesome. And that Michael Madsen voiced one of the characters as well. Not to say that this movie brought out some A-list cast or anything, but it seemed like the production value was slightly higher than other straight-to-video comic book films. Another thing I noticed before the movie even started was that it was rated PG-13, so I had expected blood and cursing. I’m not even sure if they said “ass” a single time, so I’m not too sure why it was rated PG-13. I think this film actually did a pretty good job of appealing to both die-hard fans or people who had never read a single issue of Green Lantern in their lives. It didn’t stick to one specific storyline from the comics, so it gave something new to people who were familiar with the character, as well as stayed faithful with important plot points. And by showing the origin and main characters, as well as relating events in the film to the current comics canon, anyone who enjoyed the movie wouldn’t have too hard a time going to a comic book store and start buying Green Lantern comics. And considering the movie that’s coming out next year, trying to get as big of a fanbase as possible ahead of time is going to help make it a blockbuster.

You know how you can tell Sinestro’s bad? That mustache. That creepy child molester mustache. Be right back, gotta shave mine off after typing that.

This story isn’t really related to the review, but it’s pretty funny so I thought I’d share it. This past Christmas, Rampaige wanted to buy me some action figures. She ended up getting me the Marvel Legends versions of Iron Man and Captain America. After the presents were exchanged, she asked me who Green Lantern was and a little bit of his backstory. Wondering why she was interested, she informed me that she knew I like Green Lantern, but when she went to the comic book store, she saw a figure of a black Green Lantern and a figure of a white Green Lantern. She got confused, and bought Marvel figures instead. I would insert some comment about how racist she is right here, but I know she’s embarrassed enough to be mentioned in this blog, she doesn’t need possible racism added to it.

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Filed under 3 Stars, 3 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with christopher meloni, dc, green lantern, green lantern corps, green lantern first flight, mark strong, michael madsen, ryan reynolds, scarlett johansson, sinestro, stan lee

Survival of the Dead (2009) [REVIEW]

June 13, 2010 2 Comments

George Romero. Zombies. The word ‘dead”. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?! Oh I don’t know, maybe EVERYTHING. This film, which was also at one point known as Island of the Living Dead, takes place after the events of Diary of the Dead. The main characters of this film were actually in Diary, which adds a bit of authenticity. Unfortunately, “authenticity” doesn’t equate with “quality”. As a reminder, this man did make some of the best zombie movies ever made, as well as Creepshow, but still, it doesn’t excuse every film he does.

This guy’s beard was more charismatic than his acting. And his beard was shitty.

The film centers around some sort of ambiguous military squad. They made an appearance in Diary of the Dead by stealing supplies from the characters in that film, so as you can imagine, this squad isn’t exactly “wholesome”. We are also introduced to the residents of Plum Island, comprised of two families that are dealing with the zombie-demic in different ways. One on hand, the O’ Flynn’s are killing every zombie, no matter who they are, making sure they are gone for good and never come back. And on the other, we have the Muldoons, who are more focused on immobilizing the zombies in hopes of them returning back to normal at some point. The military task force has reason to believe they will find salvation on the island, no thanks to a misleading YouTube video that Patrick O’ Flynn uploaded to hijack supplies from anyone who took the bait. This results in everyone ending up on the island, some people dying, and some people living. There is a quasi-standoff when Patrick O’ Flynn and Seamus Muldoon, the heads of the respected families. They both die, and then all of a sudden some zombies kill a horse and eat it. UH WHAT THE FUCK?

The fate of the only attractive woman in the whole movie? Turns out she’s a horse girl. And a zombie horse girl at that! Endless bummer.

Okay, I get it, you’re George Romero. You are responsible for some of the most iconic story-telling when it comes to zombie films, as well as any horror films in general, so where do you go from here? Day of the Dead never got the budget you wanted, and Land of the Dead was generally viewed as “too little, too late”. You try and start a new universe with new characters and call it “Diary of the Dead”. Then that kind of sucks and no one likes it. But you finally get your opportunity to do something differently than anything you had done before with its sequel, and then what do you do? You waste everyone’s time and make a shitty movie. The concept of getting zombies to eat something other than humans if they are given enough time is interesting, but you don’t introduce that until THE LAST FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?! We spend the whole movie hanging out with people we wish were dead, thinking anything interesting would happen. And then when anything at all different and unique happens you ROLL THE FUCKING CREDITS?! GODDAMNIT!

How creative! Setting off a fire extinguisher in a zombies mouth to the point that their head blows up. Too bad that would never be fucking possible!

And in case any of you had forgotten Diary of the Dead, Romero still doesn’t really know much about contemporary dialogue or young characters. I remember there was a scene where a characters exclaimed, “That car was going at least a buck twenty!”. NOBODY FUCKING SAYS THAT, GEORGE! I think he might have heard that on The Real World or something. In this film, the female military character is introduced by touching her hoo-ha under her pants while another military guy is walking around watching late night TV on a laptop. WHO DOES THESE THINGS?! One of the female’s counterparts continues to pronounce that five minutes with him would change her life, presumably because she is a lesbian. And what happens when he gets infected and kills himself? She finally admits that he changed her life! OH THE IRONING IS DELICIOUS! I guess I can’t say the guy is infallible, but I don’t know if I would ever be comfortable saying he “lost his touch” or anything like that. Granted, I don’t support going to see this film, when you could watch Creepshow at home instead.

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Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with beards, blood, cannibals, creepshow, dawn of the dead, day of the dead, decapitation, delaware, diary of the dead, fire extinguishers, george romero, guts, horses, ireland, island of the living dead, land of the dead, lesbian, night of the living dead, Romero, survival of the dead, the ironing is delicious!, youtube, zombies

I Sell The Dead (2008) [REVIEW]

June 10, 2010 Leave a comment

The last time I was in Borders, I happened to check out my favorite magazine about the paranormal, which is the TAPS magazine. They had some sort of awards for best paranormal movie of the year, and I Sell The Dead took home top honors. I had never even heard of it before that. I saw that it starred Dominic Monaghan and Ron Perlman, and despite the fact that this is my favorite magazine in the paranormal field, they obviously have shitty taste in movies.

No guarantee or anything, but I have a feeling they are about to dig up a body…

Our story starts with some character getting beheaded. It’s somewhat unclear as to why we should care, but, I think they are assuming we do, but it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t have a goddamned head anymore. Now they get to the characters that are actually alive, and it kind of turns into Interview With A Vampire. At least, there is interviewing involved in this film. Was there interviewing in that vampire movie? I really have no idea what I’m talking about. Regardless, we find out that Dominic Monaghan is going to be killed in the morning, and he was pals with the guy who we saw beheaded, and Ron Perlman is a priest trying to get a confession from him. Monaghan was a grave robber who sold dead bodies to doctors. I have a feeling that’s where the title came from. The two buddies somehow found a zombie, and sold that, then some crazy stuff happened and we find out Ron Perlman is a bad guy? I don’t know, it was stupid.

Supposedly, these guys are in the movie. What they no? No fucking clue. But the internet tells me it’s true!

I can’t say that this movie was awful. I’m sorry, I know you want me to, but I can’t. It had an engaging and unique visual style, and the acting was good, effects were decent enough, but it was just a giant clusterfuck. I think you can tell the plot was very B-movie and it could have really played into that, but didn’t. It took itself a little too seriously, and the incorporation of zombies and aliens really should have happened earlier on, because by the time it happens, the movie is too close to being over. Perlman and Monaghan were entertaining and clearly had a sense of humor about the film, but I felt like the script and/or director didn’t want to accept what the film really was, and tried to make it some thought-provoking buddy comedy or something. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this film was terrible, I just can’t bring myself to give it a terrible rating.

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Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with dharma initiative, dominic monaghan, ghost hunters, grant wilson, guillermo del toro, guillotine, headless, hellboy, hellboy 2, I sell the dead, jay hawes, lost, nick cave and the bad seeds, red right hand, ron perlman, sci fi, steve gonsalves, syfy, TAPS, taps magazine, zombie

wuddup marge

June 10, 2010 Leave a comment

i love pizza. im so cool. star wars. blah blah blah. rampaige is the best.

EDIT: I DIDN’T WRITE THIS. MY THREAD WAS HACKED BY RAMPAIGE. NEXT CHANCE I GET I WILL POST A PICTURE OF HER SLEEPING.

Filed under Inane Bullshit Tagged with paige forever

Hostel (2005) [REVIEW]

June 6, 2010 1 Comment

As you might remember me saying in my 50th post, I loved Cabin Fever. Most people didn’t see Cabin Fever, so obviously they wouldn’t know who Eli Roth was. I, however, did know who Eli Roth was, so seeing promotional material for this movie got me super-pumped. Granted, I was already becoming a pretentious prick of a 19 year old who thought he was awesome for having seen Ichi the Killer, but still, I was excited. I don’t remember who I saw this movie with, but I think I can safely say that when Takashi Miike appeared on-screen, I elbowed the person and said “HEY LOOK, IT’S TAKASHI MIIKE!”, and that person probably said “Who?”, and then I probably chuckled to myself about how cool I was. Regardless, I was still pumped to see this movie being released in theaters because I knew Cabin Fever didn’t get the same treatment and I was pretty confident about how gory this would be.

Come on guy, a ball gag isn’t that uncomfortable. Or, at least, I’ve heard it isn’t, heh heh…

Our story centers around two recently graduated Americans trekking through Europe with a crazy guy from Iceland who is a little older. Being fed up with how Americanized and trendy Amsterdam and after finding a weird weasel looking guy, they are directed to voyage to an unpronounceable town in Slovakia. They then find themselves at a hostel, and the movie ends. Okay not really, but I couldn’t think of a funny way to point out the movie title again. At this hostel, they end up sharing a room with Slovakian babes who quickly disrobe in front of them, give them drinks and drugs, and do them. I mean, can’t get better than that, right?! It does for the viewer, because then we get to see these douchebags get the shit murdered out of them!

It’s like when you sneeze and forget the tissue and snotty boogers explode out of your face, but a thousand times worse.

Turns out, these women work for a mysterious company that kidnaps tourists and people can then pay a fee to torture/rape/kill the person that they pay for, and Americans are the most expensive. This is when the main characters start dropping. The mysterious Icelander is killed offscreen, so we never truly know what happens to him, other than his head gets cut off and picture messaged to his friends. The less douchey, slightly more whiny American gets a power drill to the chest a few times, has his Achilles tendon severed, and later in the film we eventually see him being dissected. The douchiest of douches gets kidnapped but is able to evade actual death, but has to deal with losing a few fingers. In his attempt to rescue another person at the torture fest, we see that someone is melting her eyeball with a blow torch. When Captain Douche intercedes, he has to cut the eyeball cord for the girl, and then pus leaks everywhere and it’s disgusting. He eventually escapes and randomly encounters the two women that seduced him and the weasel-y guy, and then there is a combination of both cars and bricks destroying their heads. Finally, Señor Douché finds the guy who killed his friend, who they had actually met early on in the film in a homophobic encounter, and cuts his throat. America wins!

Clearly this woman is far too attractive to sleep with anyone who lets their face get covered in puke. Or anyone who would star in a Dumb & Dumber prequel.

Did I mention the Americans were douches? No? Okay, well, they were. I don’t know too much about Eli Roth’s personal life, but I feel like he could quite possibly be a jock douche. Either that, or he has a lot of close encounters with awful examples of humanity. In both Hostel and Cabin Fever, he is just a little too good at writing dialogue for people you want to see tortured and murdered. Like I said, he might not be an actual douche, but I can’t exactly rule it out. That’s one thing that makes this movie so enjoyable. There isn’t a single moment in this film where you think “Aww, these guys are too darned endearing to have to deal with seeing them murdered!”. They are constantly saying “fag” along with other homophobic behavior, refer to one another as pussies, refuse to talk about anything other than doing drugs and sleeping with women, and just exude an overall terrible existence. It’s also possible that in combination with Eli Roth’s dialogue that these might be master thespians who were method acting, so to Jay Hernandez and Derek Richardson, since you’re probably reading this, I commend you sirs!

Honestly, it’s not like you need two eyeballs. One will get you by. Two will work, at most. Three would just be excessive. I would be worried about making fun of blind people right now, but how will they even be able to read this?

This movie gives the viewer everything they hope to see in a film like this, and more. You want gore? You got it. You want hot Eastern European women getting naked? You got it. You want another reason to be absolutely terrified of Russia? Oh, you fucking got that. So when I mentioned how excited I was to first see this movie, I really think this film lived up to its expectations. I really don’t think there was too much trying to be said with this film, other than to make an updated version of old torture-porn films of the 70′s and 80′s. Most films that get a wide theatrical release are just watered down versions of classic genre films they are trying to capitalize on, and obviously fail. Yeah, I’ll admit, I saw the Sorority Row remake. Okay, well, I saw it in bits and pieces while working, but still. I figured if there would be one film last fall that would have an abundance of violence and scantily clad women, that would be it. Did it? NOPE. I don’t think it had either, to be honest. Princess Leia was in it thought, so that counts for something. Either way, Hostel is what other films should be, and I continue to enjoy the works of Eli Roth.

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