Holy shit did this movie has some monster-sized balls, with a dick to match. I mean that figuratively and literally. I really only vaguely remember the first installment of the Feast series. I know it was part of that Project Greenlight bullshit that made people realize that not everyone’s first movie ends up being Good Will Hunting, but I think it took three seasons for people to realize that. I remember Henry Rollins being in the original, which was pretty awesome. There were monsters fucking each other, one monster had his dick cut off by a door, and you saw it flopping all around, and let’s not forget the scene where Krista Allen pins a monster to the floor, punches its teeth out, and shoves her whole arm so far down the thing’s throat that it suffocates and dies. So why didn’t this movie get a better reception? Who knows. But it apparently was successful enough to spawn not one, but two sequels, the first of which I watched recently.
SPOILER ALERT: There’s a scene where a midget in a trash can fights a monster.
We have Biker Queen, yes, that’s the character’s name, roll up to the town where the monster fest took place in the first film. First thing she does? Kills a dog. Bad move if you want Rampaige to keep watching this without crying. She finds the owner of the bar from the first film to help her find out what happened to her sister, who was killed in Feast. She makes him grab the tail pipe of her motorcycle and the palm of his hand melts to the tailpipe, and when he pulls it away it’s like a cheese pizza. FUCK YES. The pair then stumbles upon the trailer park where the newest batch of monsters is running amuck.
Honey Pie? More like Bloody Pie! Am I right here guys?! Anyone?
Among the residents of this town are Cockroach from The Cosby Show, a tag team of midget wrestlers, a character from the first film named “Honey Pie“, and random other expendables. You really found out how nuts this movie was going to be when Honey Pie is discovered by the owner of the tavern. He is obviously displeased with her presence, so he smashes her fucking face on a toilet for a good five minutes, before she jumps out of a goddamned window. There is an autopsy scene where a monster is slowly dismantled, and everything they discovered results in bodily fluids being shot from multiple orifices. This includes the monster shitting, farting, and pissing on everyone, which results in most of the characters puking all over the goddamned place.
From Left: Midget who was in Corky Romano, Midget whose penis you see, Cockroach, Biker Queen’s arm, Tit Girl/Tat Girl (those are interchangeable), Blonde girl who dies
Our main characters find themselves stranded on a rooftop, which is when Cockroach takes the initiative. It’s almost like that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo and Cockroach want to be on Dance Mania, but there’s only room for one, and Cockroach offers it to Theo, but then Theo offers it back to Cockroach, who then runs in and gets freaknasty with lots of women wearing neon spandex. Actually, the rest of the movie is exactly like that. He decides the best way to get off of the roof is to construct a trebuchet, or maybe it’s a catapult, I can’t really remember. For some reason, this requires Biker Queen’s sidekicks, Tit Girl and Tat Girl, to disrobe. Honestly, those are the names of the characters. They both have tits and tattoos though so I don’t really know how they decided who was who.
Neither titted, neither tatted, neither midget-ed…are you still reading?
The trebuchet was designed for the wrestler midgets, but to test the weight, they decide to use their grandmother, whose skin has been disintegrating after getting pissed and shit on. They slowly pull body parts off of her until she is the appropriate weight. She successfully makes it to another roof, but when they test the first wrestler, he falls short (heh, short) and gets torn up. At another point, one character hears a baby, and attempts to rescue it. He finds the baby, starts running, but once the monsters see him and start chasing him, he decides that the baby isn’t really that important so he tosses it over his shoulder to distract them. He makes it back to the roof, but as the monsters finally make it to the roof, the credits abruptly roll as we assume everyone is done for.
That trash can gave a sense of foreboding of things to come.
Name one other movie where this amount of insane stuff happens, other than of course Sahara starring Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn. This movie was just a little too long for me, at about an hour and forty-five minutes, but they really covered all the bases. I suppose I can see why this wasn’t released theatrically, since it didn’t have quite the appeal of, say, Whiteout, about a killer snow storm, but it was pretty entertaining. I can’t really say it was “good” per-se, nor that I will go out of my way to watch it again, but that one time I watched it was pretty mind-blowing. I didn’t even get to talk about the fact that the character of Honey Pie gets locked in a convenience store and can’t seem to break a window to get out, which results in a monster fucking a cat and creating a cat-fuck-monster, but I didn’t think it was necessarily integral to the plot. More so just an added bonus of seeing more Honey Pie and more cat-on-monster erotica. You don’t see that too often anymore, cat-on-monster erotica. If you enjoyed the first film, I would say check this out. If you like gross-out horror films, I would check it out. If you think you can tell me the difference between Tit Girl and Tat Girl, then check it out, and tell me the answer.
Wolfman Moon Scale