I wouldn’t say I was necessarily recommended this film, in the traditional sense of the word, but it’s existence was called to my attention by my brother. We were talking about the film “Creep” (review here) and before I had finished describing it, he started telling me about End of the Line. Considering he tried to talk about something that he wanted to talk about, and not something I wanted to talk about, I started hallucinating about how cool my topic of conversation would have been. I remember him telling me it involved the subway, a strange cult, and I think he said something about cockroach monsters, because I started thinking about the film “Mimic” while he was talking. He didn’t say whether it was good or bad, or even if he did, I was too busy thinking of Mira Sorvino.
Never trust people who wear dress shirts and ties…and carry daggers (daggers optional).
The film follows, believe it or not, the events that take place on a subway late at night. Karen, played by Ilona Elkin, is having strange visions and experiences on her shift at the hospital, and you can tell she wants the day to be over. She gets on a train, befriends a stranger, and then the train grinds to a halt. What caused this to happen is unclear, but one thing is for sure, which is that there are members of a cult onboard who are hellbent on killing other people on the train to ”save” them before the apocalypse. The people on the train try to find rescue, fight off cult members, and try to figure out exactly what’s happening on the streets of the city. Some people die, some die later than others, and eventually Karen gets killed by demons.
This film makes it look so incredibly easy to navigate service tunnels, even when nervous. I know that I would be lost and/or crying way more than anyone in the film.
This film might sound a little disjointed when the plot is summarized in a paragraph, which I apologize for. I do not apologize for only talking about the plot for a paragraph, because it’s not really worth more than that. This film started as pretty standard, and quite entertaining, B-Movie territory. The acting wasn’t the best, and neither was the dialogue, but you could tell it had heart to it. Combine that with some pretty fun scares in the first fifteen minutes, and I was intrigued. Ultimately, I feel they tried to accomplish too much, with too little financial resources and time. Is this cult actually correct, and the apocalypse actually is coming? Are these demons somehow related to it, or do they always live in the subway? Why did Karen have visions, as well as strange prophetic paintings left for her at the hospital? Just a lot of things that were vague when they could have been explained a little bit more. The gory special effects were good, the CGI was pretty good (considering the budget), but it also kind of dragged at the 60 minute mark. They could have chopped off a good 15-20 minutes, and just been a little more clear about what they were trying to say, and either left it open for a sequel, or at the very least, people would have been bored to 20 minutes less of their life.
This is the next part of the series I entitle “Movies I watched in case I bumped into Danielle Harris“. I watched half of the movie before I went to the Con, then watched the second half after I missed my opportunity, and felt like a failure the whole time. Supposedly, this film was one of the worst in the franchise. As in, the Halloween franchise, not my Danielle Harris series, because all films were equally unsuccessful in that endeavor. This one came out a year after they had success with Halloween 4, and everything was rushed so that they could capitalize on their new-found success. Rushing the film meant it kind of sucked, and is the least successful Halloween movie to date, when it comes to box office numbers. So now that the disappointment is out of the way, here we go!
Dr. Loomis was looking all “Man Without a Face” in this one.
This film starts right where Halloween 4 left off, at least as far as Michael Myers is concerned. Michael pulls himself out of the ditch he fell into, and ends up in a river, floating downstream. He is found by a weird hermit, who nurses him back to health, before getting himself killed. Surprise surprise. The trauma of killing her foster mother with scissors has left Jamie, still played by Danielle Harris, without the use of her vocal chords and is exhibiting further evidence of the psychic link she has to her uncle, Michael. Michael Myers makes his way back to Haddonfield, kills some people, kills a dog, changes masks at one point and lets a girl kiss him. YUP, IT WAS AS WEIRD AS IT SOUNDS. Dr. Loomis is back, and teams up with Jamie to lure Michael to his old house, in hopes of connecting him with some form of humanity. Believe it or not, that fails, so instead, Loomis shoots him with a tranquilizer dart, DROPS A GODDAMNED CHAIN NET ON HIM, then beats him into submission with a wooden plank. Michael is then taken to a maximum security prison, only to have the prison “mysteriously” burn down, everybody inside dying, except for the cell where Michael was being held, which is now empty.
Rake to the face! Not to mention the pitchfork to the guts. Rampaige wouldn’t shut up about that damned pitchfork scene.
I gotta say, if this is the worst of the Halloween films, they should consider themselves lucky. Was it good? No, not at all, but I have seen far worse films, so it could’ve been worse. I would say the thing that stands out about this film most is incorporating The Thorn cult into the franchise. We see a tattoo on Michael’s wrist that is some weird triangle line thingy. We also see a figure, dressed in black, shadowing Loomis a few times in the film, and we catch glimpses of this figure also having the same tattoo on his wrist. The curse of “The Thorn” won’t be fleshed out until the sixth film, which came out six years later, so I can see why people would be pissed that something was hinted at, and really never developed for another six years. However, I will give them credit for having the balls to start explaining why this guy was evil and how he couldn’t be killed, rather than just a mindless killing machine. Sure, you could have movie after movie of Michael Myers coming to life, killing people, then getting “killed”, knowing full well that there would be another. So to come up with any idea at all of why he was the way he was, was a bold move, albeit an unpopular and half-assed move. I agree, that from what I have seen, this is probably the worst of the franchise, but it’s still better than most garbage that’s out there.
You might be wondering why I am watching this movie a good 20 years after it was originally released, and if you’ll shut up for a second, you’ll find out why. Rampaige and I went to Wizard World Chicago over the weekend, and supposedly Danielle Harris was going to be there. Not really remembering this film, and just kind of remembering her dressed up as a clown in it, I decided to give it another go to refresh myself in case I bumped into her and needed something to talk about. Well, actually, by “bumping into her” I meant I actually tried to search for her, but every time I rounded the corner all I saw was either Ian Ziering or the Iron Shiek, neither of whom would really be impressed with my knowledge of Halloween 4. A few sentences back I mentioned Wizard World, which might have confused some of you, causing a head scratching “Whuh? I thought it was called Chicago Comic Con!”. Having guests like Ian Ziering and Iron Sheik is pretty pathetic, so Wizard World tried to revamp it and change the name, hoping to confuse people into thinking it would have anyone cool. It sucks, because there were some good artists and creators there, that got sucked into the shit storm.
Your Shatner mask is starting to look like shit, Michael. Might be time for an upgrade.
Believe it or not, Michael Myers is still alive! I know, crazy right? And this time he is once again out to get a relative of his, played by an 11-year-old Danielle Harris, whose character is named “Jamie”. It’s weird how they randomly chose that name out of the blue. Anyways, Michael is being transported from one place to another, for some reason, and he escapes. All the while, Jamie is being teased at school for being an orphan, and continually has dreams about her uncle, Michael Myers. Also, it probably sucks because her parents are dead, and she has to live with a foster family. Dr. Loomis is alive, and trying to chase down Michael to prevent more deaths. Sadly, he doesn’t prevent them, and some people get killed, while others live. Michael is eventually shot about a hundred times by the cops, as well as shot at by Loomis, and then Michael falls down a hole. He is left in this hole, because he is obviously dead. Meanwhile, Jamie watches her foster mom get into the bathtub, at which point she grabs a pair of scissors and kills her, and the movie ends with her standing at the top of the stairs, covered in blood, while Loomis cries out “Noooooo!” or “Daaaaaaamn!” or something to that effect.
SHE’S WEARING A CLOWN OUTFIT…LIKE MICHAEL MYERS DOES IN THE FIRST ONE…MINDFREAKED!
When it comes to the Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, I really haven’t seen all that many. Obviously I have seen all the originals, but because there are so many in the series, it’s hard to weed through which ones are worth watching, and which aren’t. This one was actually pretty decent, and I have read that this really got the franchise back on track and popular again, despite the lack of John Carpenter involvement. It was relatively slow-paced, and was more about suspense than it was about gore. Although they did supposedly bring in someone after the film was wrapped and inserted more gore into it to make it more popular, but even considering that, it wasn’t overwhelming. The character of Dr. Loomis could have been written a little bit better, as he came across as having the attitude of “Oh that Michael Myers, up to his old tricks again!”. Also, one of the best scenes involves Jamie’s foster sister and her boyfriend getting locked inside a house, and when he says “Do you have the key?!”, she replies with “I don’t know!”. Not even a NO, but she was just so terrified that she could only respond with “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AGGHHGGHG!!!!!”. Maybe it’s just me, but I found that hilarious.
What happens when you take Jaws, make it have sex with Deep Blue Sea, while Snakes on a Planewatches? Yup, you get Piranha 3D. It’s kind of sad that watching people watch the trailer, or watching people look at the poster, they immediately dismiss the film for how awful it’s going to be. These people, who I will refer to as “stupid”, clearly don’t even deserve to enjoy this film in the way it was intended. I honestly had to tone down my excitement before watching it, thinking it could in no way be as awesome as my mind had made it out to be. Luckily, the awesomeness that I could fathom still didn’t hold a candle to the actual experience.
It’s funny how even though Adam Scott only played the character on Party Down, I can’t help but want to say “Are we having fun yet?!” whenever I see him.
It all starts with a man on a boat fishing in a lake in Arizona. We then see a mild earthquake take place, which releases some unknown terror upon him, in the form of small fish with sharp teeth. From there, we are then introduced to characters that we are supposed to care about, but they do their job of stringing together different plot points. It’s spring break on this lake, which means lots of people in the water. When the body of the fisherman is discovered, combined with scientists studying the aftermath of this earthquake, it’s determined that the lake needs to be shut down. Sadly, our spring breakers vehemently oppose this decision, and decide to protest this decision by the sheriff’s department by jumping in the water. Believe it or not, there is then a huge feeding frenzy, with lots of blood and mutilations and everything you expect from a movie entitled “Piranha 3D”. Also, apparently the characters that you were supposed to care about experience trials and tribulations, eventually making their way out of the situation relatively safe.
I like to think that maybe Christopher Lloyd brought this piranha fossil from his personal fossil collection.
There’s so much awesome shit to talk about with this film, I don’t even know where to begin. However, the last thing I would want to do is spoil it for anyone, so I will try not to go overboard with details. Let’s talk about the cast first. The main character wasn’t really important, neither was the female he was pining for. His mom, however, was played by Elisabeth Shue, which was awesome. Would I have rather seen Kari Wuhrer? Of course, but Elisabeth Shue did a great job of making you wonder why she wasn’t in more movies, as she played the “firm but fair” action female lead. Who was her partner? MOTHER FUCKING VING RHAMES. What else needs to be said, it’s Ving Rhames. Who plays the scientist? None other than Adam Scott, a.k.a. “Are we having fun yet?!” from Party Down. Glad to see him finally getting some more “leading man” type roles. Jerry O’ Connell is in this, pretty much playing who I assume Jerry O’ Connell is…a guy who loves chicks and partying. What chicks does he surround himself with? Pornstars Riley Steele, Ashlynn Brooke, and Gianna Michaels. Also, British model Kelly Brook, who is not a porn star, but the accent makes up for it.
Do you think anyone calls Richard Dreyfuss “The Dreyf”? I don’t, but wish they did.
You’re probably wondering who offers wisdom to our characters in their times of trouble. Well, none other than Christopher Lloyd, playing a crazy scientist who was able to pinpoint the species of piranha, that turns out to be prehistoric. Only drawback to Christopher Lloyd was that he was so awesome, once you saw him, you wanted him to be in every scene, which he wasn’t. Last, but far from least, was the fisherman I was talking about, played by none other than Richard Dreyfuss. Okay, Richard Dreyfuss, why’s that so great? Well, he is wearing pretty much the exact same outfit as he did in Jaws, denim and all. And what do we hear him singing along to on the radio? It just so happens to be “Show Me The Way To Go Home” by Irving King, and yes, that is the song he sang in jaws with Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw. Need more evidence of the details the director, Alexandre Aja went through to properly pay homage? He also named the character “Matt”, which just so happens to also be the name of his character in Jaws. This is all within the first five minutes, mind you, so if you don’t realize then and there what you’re in for, you might as well walk out of the theater.
Here we see Jerry O’ Connell, reaching out in hopes of someone saving his career.
Let’s get back to the whole Jaws/Deep Blue Sea/Snakes on a Plane reference I made earlier. In addition to the Richard Dreyfuss involvement, we can take a look at the plot for Jaws similarities. There is a vacation hot spot that is a big money-maker for a small town, that has warning signs of nature fighting back. The sheriff realizes that the lake needs to be shut down, but no one listens to her. They even incorporated the “Jaws Shot”, which is when the camera physically moves closer, while zooming out, which was used in Jaws when Roy Scheider is sitting on the beach and notices a panic in the water. However, the far-fetched plot is more in the style of Deep Blue Sea, about sharks that are made smarter and then go on a rampage. This film gives you the silly premise, but backs up the idea of prehistoric fish living in a secluded cavern, so you can take the concept at least somewhat seriously using quasi-science. And finally, there are touches of Snakes on a Plane, where the horror or drama or suspense is just so ridiculous, you can’t help but laugh, as the filmmakers obviously knew how wacky they were being.
Here we see Eli Roth, looking like he is about to perform the hit song “Yvan eht Nion” with the Party Posse.
And the gore in this film? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. You would think there are only so many ways you could kill someone using piranhas, and you would be wrong on that one. DEAD WRONG. Okay, maybe not too wrong, but there is also a wild frenzy that incorporates motorboat propellers and things like that. One scene alone had a woman getting her hair caught in a propeller, which struggled to start, but when it did start, it ripped her face off of her head. HER FUCKING FACE GOT RIPPED OFF OF HER HEAD, PEOPLE. Not to mention how many times people got chewed down to the bone, without dying. Remember that episode of Mr. Show with Bob and David where there was a heavy metal fan who tried to kill himself by jumping into a vat of acid? Imagine that, but with more money, and happening more often. I swear, some of the scenes in this movie made Saving Private Ryan look like Bridget Jones Diary: The Edge of Reason. They even ripped off Ghost Ship by slicing a woman in half with a cable, and the top half of her sliding from her body. Slight difference though, was that in this movie, she was topless. Which brings up another good point…boobs. You see so fucking many, you almost get sick of them. Keep in mind I said “almost” get sick of them. Basically, if you find yourself saying, “Wow, I haven’t seen boobs recently enough for my liking”, give it about 15 seconds, and all of that will change.
There’s this one great scene where a chick with huge boobs hangs out with another chick with big boobs. A classic in the making!
I do recommend going to see this film in 3D, because they make it a point to utilize that element the way everyone has wanted to do, but hasn’t had the balls to do. The first 3D film was shown at the Astor Theater in New York on June 10, 1915. The first feature-length 3D film in color with stereophonic sound, was House of Wax in 1953. The highest grossing film of all time, Avatar, opened in 2009, and took ten years for James Cameron to develop sophisticated enough equipment for this three-hour long snoozefest. And on August 20, 2010, 95 years of failed 3D technology has finally accomplished what everyone wanted to see, and there is no reason to advance the technology further. You want to see beer spraying from a keg onto you? Check. You want to see someone throw up onto you? Check. You want to see naked babes dance around underwater? Check. You want to see a severed dick get eaten by piranhas in three dimensions? Got it. James Cameron can stop trying. Which is funny, because this film is a remake of a film that James Cameron did the sequel to. Take that, artistic merit and movies full of computer generated blue nudists!
Three things that I knew about this movie before watching it: 1) Michael Rooker, 2) psycho killer, 3) strippers. HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FUCK UP ANY COMBINATION OF THOSE WORDS?! Ask the makers of the film Penance, because they certainly managed to pull it off. I would say three better ways to describe this film would be: 1) half-assed, 2) boring and confusing, 3) strippers. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly strippers involved, but still, there are so many more viable ways to combine Michael Rooker with strippers and have an Oscar worthy film. It felt like the people who made this movie had seen a bunch of entertaining and original films, took elements from those, completely fucked them up, and tried to pass it off as their own. Well you can’t fool me, Douchebag McGee!
Might as well get the only redeeming thing about this movie out of the way now.
The film starts with some sort of home video plea for a woman to enter a TV show about changing lives or something like that. She then goes on to talk about her daughter, and rambling about how she has so little money that she is going to start stripping to give her young daughter a better life. The next 10 minutes chronicle her stripper training as well as her first actual strip dancing event. Her stripping teacher then has the shit kicked out of her, so our wholesome mother fills in for Sassy (yes, a stripper named Sassy) on a gig where she will get a buttload of money. The event is taking place at a mental institution, yet she doesn’t quite understand that maybe she should turn around. Tony Todd is even the one driving, and she suspects nothing is odd about the situation! So she goes to the mental institution, where there are other strippers, and the strippers all end up taking turns doing naked dances for some guy who is hiding in the dark in a chair. Then, Michael Rooker comes in and acts like a creep, and we realize things aren’t looking good for the strippers!
I feel like Michael Rooker showed up on the set and said “Oh, I’m only in five minutes of this movie? Well, now you’re all dead”.
Turns out, this isn’t your run of the mill stripper dance contest. Apparently the silhouette guy is a former OBGYN and he is capturing strippers in an attempt to absolve them of their sins before they enter heaven. He does this by, well, cutting their vaginas off and sewing them up. Clearly I am not at all familiar with female anatomy, which Rampaige will back me up on, but that is essentially what he’s doing down there. Once they are mutilated, he then offers them $150,000 and they can leave, or they can claim they are now pure. Sure enough, most of them attempt to take the money, then Michael Rooker kills them. It seems as though this OBGYN has some sort of terminal illness, and in an attempt to purify himself, he sits down in front of the camera, where we can see him from the waist up, and he castrates himself. Might not sound exciting, but you see him cutting the circulation off, you see blood spraying, then he PULLS HIS OWN TWO BALLS INTO FRAME WITH ALL THE TUBES AND VEINS STILL ATTACHED BEFORE HE CUTS THEM WITH A FUCKING PAIR OF SCISSORS. Sorry, I didn’t mean to type that in all caps, but there are some things that get typed in caps lock all on their own. Then he offers our main stripper the chance to get out alive, but manages to stab him or something, shoot Michael Rooker, and we assume, live happily ever after. Then the title cards at the end say that his body was never found. Who gives a shit?
One look at this guy and you can tell he’s the type to cut his own balls off.
I know right? Total dogshit. Michael Rooker had maybe about five minutes of total screen time. YOU HAVE MICHAEL ROOKER IN A MOVIE ABOUT STRIPPER KILLING AND HE’S IN IT FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES?! Sorry, once again, my hands lose control of themselves at times. I mentioned how this was a half-assed regurgitation of other films that I’ve seen, and the first exhibit of that is the way it was filmed. Remember how I said the film started with an audition tape? Well, the entire movie was shot under the presumption of a character filming it, or someone putting the camera down, or some bullshit like that. It’s hard enough to have a film and pass it off as “These tapes were recovered from blah blah blah” and have it actually work. Films like The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, [REC], and Quarantineall pull it off well. This film pulled it off about as well as Survival of the Dead…and you all know how much that sucked. The fact that the opening title cards also said “The following tapes were recovered from…” reminded me of The Poughkeepsie Tapes, which also managed to market the film in that way, but once again, was far more successful.
You can tell this girl is a stripper from the strange bruises. Sorry, was that offensive to strippers? Guess I don’t have to worry about offending them with that comment, since none of them know how to read. HAHAHA TWO STRIPPER JOKES IN A ROW!
The other regurgitation of things I had seen before was the actual content of the film, which reminded me far too much of the French film Martyrs, which is pretty gruesome. The concept of Martyrs is that people are being kidnapped and wrongfully tortured and abused in hopes of them getting pushed so far to the edge of their limits that they see God. The people doing this then hope to interact with someone who has seen God, in an attempt to unravel the greatest mysteries in the universe. Having a movie about a guy who kidnaps, abuses, and mutilates people to give them a chance of getting into heaven was just a little too similar for my tastes, and therefore made me feel like they just tried to copy off of a lesser-known film. Granted, that’s just my own take on it, and maybe the creative forces behind Penance had never seen Martyrs, but still. Before I leave you, I would also like to tell you that they spelled words incorrectly in the title cards. They read “Authorities were tipped off by an anonomous source”…ANONOMOUS?! Who fucking let these people make a movie, and somehow completely missed an incorrect spelling in GIANT LETTERS, and nobody noticed until THE MOVIE WAS RELEASED ON DVD?! Jesus Christ, these people should have their vaginas sewn up.
You may or may not remember my review from only a few weeks ago about the Scott Pilgrim books, and that I mildly enjoyed them (in case you don’t remember the review, click here). My introduction to the character was through the trailer, which I had luke warm feelings about. After reading the books, I was a little more intrigued by the film, but still not blown away. However, with the magic of the internet, I saw someone who had taken the audio from the trailer and synced it up with images from the book, and once I saw how similar the dialogue and shots were, I grew more and more excited. I finally caved in, felt like a dork, but went to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The Worldin its opening weekend.
Why does Scott Pilgrim love Smashing Pumpkins so much? THEY HAVE THE SAME INITIALS! It took me a long time to figure that out, so, you’re welcome.
If you are too lazy to read the review I posted for the books, I will once again explain the plot. For those loyal readers out there who can recite every one of my reviews back to me, feel free to skip down the page a little bit. Scott is a 20-something looking for love, still hurt over his last breakup. He stumbles upon Ramona Flowers, who he then obsessively pines for and dreams about. They hit things off, yet after smooching, Scott learns he must fight Ramona’s 7 Evil Exes if he wishes to be with her. Also, there is some indie rock thrown in there, along with videogame references and general hipster mockery.
Um, excuse, ya know, in the comic, he described Ramona by putting his fingers near his face, not with a drawing. Does Edgar Wright find anything sacred these days!?
That’s the short version of the story at least. Before we go further, I’m just going to go ahead and say that I really liked the film, possibly more than the books. With that in mind, I did think the movie was a little long. It might have just been the pacing of the source material, but I almost expected to walk out of the theater and have it be three hours from when I walked in. Turns out, it’s just barely under two hours. Either way, it felt long, and it had its slow moments, as well as multiple endings. Now that we have the thing I disliked out of the way, let’s move on to the reasons I did enjoy it so much.
Why yes, that is the silhouette of Jason Schwartzman! I am quite good a celebrity silhouette spotting.
We’re pretty much all sick of Michael Cera playing awkward guy who likes a girl, right? Well, the reason he seems to keep getting cast is because he is so damned good at playing that character. He was slightly more empowered in this film, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to have seen his character being played by John Cusack, if it was maybe 15 years ago. Mary Elizabeth Winstead was great as Ramona, the mysteriously aloof, cool girl with a troubled past, similar to Kate Winslet’s character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Ellen Wong was great as Knives Chau, the young, innocent, mildly crazy former lover of Scott, who balanced annoyingly obsessive with wounded and vulnerable extremely well. All of the supporting cast was great as well, especially Alison Pill as Kim Pine, who I felt brought life to a character who, in the comics, I thought of as mostly a bitch.
Scott Pilgrim is being throttled by the future Captain America! Take THAT, comic book dork loser idiots!
As far as the style of the film, such as the visual gags, sound effects, and references to videogames, I feel the movie pulled it off quite well. The didn’t overuse these story-telling devices, and more importantly, they didn’t under-use them either. A lot of movies with similar gags will use it a few times, then just stop. This film kept it running the whole time, so all of the visual jokes were really entertaining, and the music even more so. Not just the visual gags, but all the audio jokes as well. Actually, all the music in this film was a lot of fun. Because there are a lot of jokes in the book about the band sucking/not sucking, I had a hard time making up my own music for them. In the movie, I feel that the sucking/not sucking joke worked pretty well, whereas most indie bands really suck, but are still fun to listen to, or are sometimes extremely talented, and play kind of crappy music.
In the book, when this scene took place, in black and white, with little cartoons…it was WAY more sexy. Wait, I mean less. Of course I don’t get turned on by cartoon characters! Heh heh…so anyway….uh…boobs?
Ultimately, I feel that the six Scott Pilgrim books being condensed into one film got the message across more easily. Scott Pilgrim fell for an interesting looking girl, ignoring all the candidates around him. Knowing that she was attractive and mysterious, her relationship history was obviously questionable. Scott had to fight, but essentially “defeat” all former lovers, if he stood a chance with Ramona. At the end of the film, not only had he defeated all the Exes, but also had to overcome himself. All the time people might spend worrying about the past of someone they are in a relationship with comes back to how someone thinks about themselves, and once they have conquered their own fears and self doubts, anything is possible, and nothing else matters. I got this far more strongly on film than in the black and white pages of the book, and am nervous other people didn’t take that message away. Even though this is just a fun little film, the message of conquering your own doubts being more important than letting things from the past prevent your happiness, is a heartfelt and thought-provoking one. However, this film could have been better had Will Arnett been involved.
This film marks a highlight in my life. Not really anything related directly to this film, of course, but a personal victory. This film marks the first time Netflix has sent me a Blu-ray disk and the first time I have successfully watched a Blu-ray disk…IN MY OWN HOUSE! Granted, my TV is probably a 25″ tube set, so I couldn’t grasp why Blu-ray is any better, but still. Do I need to capitalize Blu-ray? I really don’t know, but that’s mostly my own fault, for being an idiot. And for also not wanting to look that shit up on Google. Do I capitalize Google? Too late, just did.
You can already tell that these kids are evil, based on their knit caps.
Ah yes, to be in England during the holidays, so eloquent and romantic of an idea, right? DEAD FUCKING WRONG! You are celebrating your Christmas and New Year season with your loved ones, when you notice that your children are starting to misbehave. All kids have their tantrums and little fits, but what if it escalates further than that? Kind of hard to determine whether they are being brats, or actually evil. Well, turns out that they are evil little shits, possibly incorporating voodoo, possibly being hypnotized by some outside force. So we have some death, some violence, some people being impaled on garden tools while rocketing down a sled; all the things that make the Christmas great! Did I just use a semicolon correctly? FUCK IT.
But which ones are evil?! Watch the film to find out! Hint: it’s not the chick with the purple hair.
I was quite surprised by this film, especially after how awful Dance of the Dead was. I set my standards low, and ended up getting a film that was a relatively slow burn, with scenes of violence that took me by surprise, and an actress who looked like a combination of Diora Baird and Rose McGowan…and maybe 10 years younger than either of them. I think the reason I enjoyed this film so much was because of its similarities with Antichrist. Those similarities aren’t obvious, but I saw the premise of Antichrist to be based on the concept that nature is evil, but we choose to assume it as good, with exceptions of evil. The Children seemed to assume that children possess the ability to be evil, but we view tantrums as kids being kids. I’m sure we’ve all been in situations where we see kids throwing tantrums or attempting to hurt their parents, and this film poses the question of whether or not these children know what they are doing, rather than just lashing out. Also, the ending leaves things ambiguous enough that you could see potential sequels, making it just a little bit more than a movie about a group of bad kids. Check it out if you get the chance, ESPECIALLY ON BLU-RAY!
I heard quite a few negative reviews about this film, and then I remember hearing one positive review, so I gave it a shot. I hope that one person who gave it a positive review is currently in Hell getting raped by Satan. I held off for quite some time when it came to adding this film to my queue, getting it confused with the Masters of Horror episode of the same name. In retrospect, I wish that I had either watched that episode multiple times, or that I had stabbed myself in the eyes, ears, and dick (for good measure) rather than watch this steaming pile of shit.
Oh, I get it, the bloody axe and bat are juxtaposed by the nice clothing. That is so original! Good job everyone!
Remember being in high school? Man, that shit was tough. Girls not liking you, teachers making fun of you, your band not being able to play the school dance, and nobody coming to the Sci Fi club meetings. Imagine if you also had zombies showing up! Oh no! That would suck! I gotta be honest…I feel like I blacked out from stupidity while watching this film. I know that there were zombies, and high schoolers, and a gym teacher, and at one point a band plays music that distracts the zombies. Some characters lived, some died, some didn’t die that you wish had, and then the credits roll. MAGNIFICENT!
Two characters had a crush on each other, but didn’t embrace that crush until they both became zombies and made out in a bathroom stall. It’s like this movie was made for Twilight fans that wanted to feel edgy.
Awful. Just awful. Imagine Degrassi, but with zombies. I’m sure some of you secretly like Degrassi, which makes you an idiot, but still, it was even dumber than that show. Have you guys seen the movie Brick? A great noir film set in high school, without a bunch of whiney stupid bitches. Or even the TV show Veronica Mars, once again set in high school, but didn’t succumb to typical melodramatic bullshit. Also, Veronica Mars stars Kristen Bell, which puts it high above anything else ever, but that’s besides the point. The characters in Dance of the Dead were all stereotypical characters, nothing exciting happened at any point, and it makes you hate your life and destroys your soul. Don’t watch it. Ever.
I definitely had mixed feelings about the previous installment in the Feastseries (Feast 2 Review), but I figured I’d be an idiot for watching parts 1 and 2 and not finishing the trilogy. Depending on your memory, or whether or not you were smart enough to click that link a couple words behind this one, you might recall the insanity of Feast 2. My biggest issue with that one was the length, in that they tried to cram too much into one film, and there were a few too many slow parts. Feast 3, however, got me excited because I saw that it was only about an hour and fifteen minutes, and I had assumed it would be a trimmed down rehash of the second film. Well…I was wrong.
Yes, I did use this exact picture for the review of Feast 2, but technically, it was labeled as “Feast 3″, so brush the sand from your vaginas. Also, you can see both Tat Girl and Tit Girl, so that’s always a bonus.
This film starts at the point where the previous film left off, and there is even a quick recap of events. All you really need to know are that there are monsters, and there are people stuck in a town with these monsters, and they don’t want to be stuck there. Some people have died, some have lived, and some will be dying shortly. I mentioned in the review for the last film that one character was named TIT GIRL and one was named TAT GIRL, and how confusing it was because they both had tattoos AND tits, but luckily, the opening of this film clarified who was which. About five minutes it, we see Honey Pie, played by Jenny Wade, get decapitated, and then a monster eats her head. Her head must be made out of lots of fiber, because almost immediately we see a closeup of that monsters butthole as he tries to poop out her head. Yes, we saw a monster butthole trying to poop out a lady’s head. Off to a good start!
JOKE ABOUT GETTING HEAD! JOKE ABOUT GETTING HEAD!
Sadly, the film is downhill from there. They already killed off one reason to watch the movie, and then a few scenes later, we see Cockroach (from The Cosby Show), get fucked in the ass by a monster dick through a four foot long pipe. A few scenes later, Tit Girl bites it. Not bites the dick, but bites it in the sense of “dies”. The gang then makes their way underground, where a new “hero” arrives, only to have his arms chopped off and fail to save Tat Girl. Yes, the movie is only 30 minutes in, and both Tit Girl and Tat Girl are dead. Why did I keep watching? Who knows. A retarded person makes an appearance as some sort of prophet, and we see some human/monster hybrids attacking everyone and going apeshit, and then there is an awful scene involving a strobe light. Our main characters end up fighting their way out, as well as start eating a monster to kill him. I think that’s pretty much the end, and if it isn’t, I really don’t feel like talking about it anymore.
Well look who it is, Bloody Neck McGee and good old Pipey Head.
Between Feast 2 and Feast 3, we have about three hours worth of material, where we really only needed two. Feast 2 had more redeeming moments than Feast 3, but ultimately, the two should have just been combined. It’s like they got feedback after the first sequel about it being too long, and arbitrarily cut out half an hour, with no rhyme or reason. It sucks, because I actually really enjoyed the style of the film and the aesthetics of it, but it just didn’t seem fully fleshed out. The hyper-saturated colors, the high contrast in every shot, all that stuff makes for a cool looking film, but there isn’t enough content to back it up. This film didn’t even match the insanity of either of the first two films, but hey, at least it was shorter, and we got to spend a little more time with both Tit and Tat Girl. At the end of it all, the Feast series is a series I really wish I could enjoy, but still falls a little flat.
Wolfman Moon Scale
I couldn’t find the trailer, so enjoy the sounds of Mark Gormley
I remember seeing the trailer for this film and immediately knowing how shitty it was going to be. Julianna Margulies going for a theatrical career? Gabriel Byrne not playing a psychopath? Ron Eldard…who the fuck is Ron Eldard? There was something redeeming about this movie, that I kept being told about: the first five minutes. I have seen the first five minutes quite a few times, mostly on HBO or Starz or whatever, but I can never make it through more than that. While browsing Netflix Instant Watch, we saw this, and I asked Rampaige if she had seen the first five minutes, which she had not. After that, we were both too lazy to shut it off, so I ended up seeing what I had been missing all these years. In short…not much.
I don’t know if I feel worse for this guy, or anyone who watches this movie.
So I’ve talked about it enough. What happens in the first five minutes? Well, there’s a cruise ship in the 60′s with a bunch of dressed up people dancing around. We see a cable being pulled taut by a wench, getting faster and faster. It is snagged on a few poles, causes the motor to smoke, and when the tension is too much, and the cable slices across the entire dance floor. The characters stand there momentarily, seemingly confused, until we finally see the top halves of these people slide off. There ends up being nearly a hundred people chopped in half, all over the floor, all cut in half. Then, the nu-metal kicks in, and thus starts the “present day” portion of this shitfest.
Watch out! Behind you! It’s that bitch from Lemony Snicket’s!
The movie follows a group of people who salvage boats and sell them for scrap. Some guy comes out of nowhere, claiming to know where the “ghost ship”, if you will, can be found. This obviously means a big pay-day for the gang. Yay! So they end up getting onto the ghost boat and, surprisingly, weird stuff starts happening! The discovery of gold, hallucinations involving former crew members of the boat, and some lady in a red dress who tries to get a guy to sleep with her. Sadly, for him, she was just tricking him into falling down an elevator shaft. Seriously dude, oldest trick in the book. Try to grab boobs, fall down an elevator shaft. We find out that the character who knew informed the salvagers of the location of the boat was acting similarly to Charon from Greek mythology, whose job it was to provide souls to hell. He ran the boat, collecting souls, doing this over and over again. Julianna Margulies is the only survivor when she blows the boat up, but when being loaded onto the ambulance, she sees the Charon character getting onto a different boat. NOOOOO!!!! Then more nu-metal starts playing! FUCK YES!
Take my word for it, this is the woman in red, despite not wearing clothes at the moment.
I don’t know if I could narrow it down to what the worst part of the movie was, because it was basically the entire middle. And by middle, I mean everything other than the first five minutes, and maybe the last five minutes. It’s not so much the idea of the movie was dumb, because once you realize what’s going on at the end, it’s actually kind of interesting. BUT THIS IS SUCH A GODDAMNED INEFFICIENT OF COLLECTING SOULS! He only killed seven or eight people, and he had to use a giant fucking boat. THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO KILL PEOPLE WITHOUT USING A GIANT BOAT. sure, the beginning part of the movie, there were a few hundred, which is nothing to scoff at. Can’t you find a slightly easier way to kill several people? I could come up with at least 23 ways to achieve that, which doesn’t involve a giant cruise ship. However, if questioned by authorities, I will deny everything.
