Exit Through the Gift Shop (2010) [REVIEW]

 

I’ve always kind of hated graffiti. Not so much hated, as much as I just could never get interested in any sort of piece of graffiti. Not that graffiti artists aren’t talented, I’ve just never been impressed by someone writing their name in bubble letters 20 feet tall. The only type of street art that I was really interested in were stencils. Not that stencils require more artistic talent, some might even argue you need less artistic talent, but I have always felt that stencils are more about the message, rather than the artistic content. It’s about creating an image that can be repeated multiple times and in large quantities. From the time I started getting interested in and buying books on the subject, a popular figure whose work I enjoyed was Banksy. I thought his aesthetics were engaging and the messages he was trying to get across were interesting. This was up until I read a quote from someone who lived near the West Bank who was upset with the artwork he put on the wall separating Palestine and Israel. I’m summarizing, but the woman was saying how she didn’t like the fact that he tagged the wall, because she hates the wall, and is disgusted by it, and doesn’t want it to look more interesting with artwork. I think I even read this quote in one of Banksy’s books, and ever since then I have found fewer and fewer of his pieces enjoyable. Exit Through the Gift Shop is his most recent work of art, which is supposedly a documentary about street art.

 

Alright buddy, we get it. You’re dark and mysterious and British. Thanks for reminding us.

The film is introduced by Banksy, who starts explaining that someone was making a documentary about him, and he thought the person doing the documentary was more interesting, so this is a film about to documentarian, Thierry Guetta. Thierry simply fell into the world of street art because his cousin, known as “Space Invader”, is prominent in the street art scene. Combine this with the fact that Thierry filmed everything, all the time, no matter what he was doing, resulted in some rare footage of street art being created. This kind of art is usually only seen after the fact, and is then destroyed by public officials, so some of that footage was pretty cool. This gave Thierry a purpose in what to do with all of this footage, and he had a driving force behind his camerawork, with the ultimate goal of meeting Banksy, one of the most well-known street artists in the world. For an artist so well-known, there weren’t really easy ways to get in touch with Banksy, but when Thierry did, it was surely by coincidence. The first 60 minutes of the film is about this quest to find these talented artists and footage of some of these artists in rare form, which is being caught in the act of creating. When Thierry shows Banksy the “completed” film, he is unimpressed and tells Thierry to spend some time creating street art while Banksy tries his hand at piecing together a street art documentary. The following 30 minutes shows Thierry trying to emulate his favorite artists, ripping off their methods, ideas, and styles, while managing a crew who are the ones actually responsible for creating the art. Not once do you see Thierry creating art, just telling people what to do. This leads up to his first gallery opening, which is attended by thousands  of people who spend tens of thousands on his pieces, giving Thierry an enormous paycheck. At the end, they show all the artists featured and what they’re currently up to, and when it gets to Banksy, his comment is that he will never again help anyone film anything about street art.

 

Judging by the negative space, I’m gonna say it’s a rat! Is it a rat? PLEASE TELL ME IT’S A RAT!

There are a few theories on what this movie was, what it was about, what was real, and what was staged. Some people take this film for what it was, and took everything as truth. They became disgusted with “Mr. Brain Wash“, which is Thierry’s alias, and become disgusted with the person he became. Others, however, think the entire thing is fake. They think that everything in the film was staged, and it was never intended to be anything more than a mockumentary. I feel like the film fell somewhere in between, that the first 60 minutes are real, and all of it was authentic, but the last act of the film seems a little fishy. Banksy has always had his roots in street art, and lately has been criticized for “selling out” in the pieces he chooses to do and for whom. Some of his original works will sell for thousands of dollars, and it’s unclear as to what his intentions are currently. I feel as though the last portion of the film was both satirical and poking fun at the entire concept of a street artist selling out. This is mostly based on the fact that we never see Thierry creating art, the fact that the art is such a blatant mix of both Banksy and Shepard Fairey‘s (another prominent street artist) work, and the fact that Banksy is known for his hoaxes.

 

Mr. Brainwash himself. You can just tell from the facial hair how much of a douche he is. Did I say douche? I meant French.

No matter how you feel about the last portion of the film, happy or upset, I don’t think there is much reason to doubt that the first 60 minutes have some very interesting footage of both artists and the art they create. In a world filled with advertising and “corporate” art that is bland and uninspired, it’s great to see artists who know the shelf-life of art, and try to get their message out in the quickest, easiest way. It shows that street art is more about the message it conveys, rather than the longevity of the piece. And whether you believe the last part or not, it’s hard to ignore the message it conveys, which is that people are more interested in a name or hype surrounding an artist, rather than the actual piece. Everything at Mr. Brainwash’s gallery was uninspired, yet to see thousands of people interested in it, and even spending money on it because Banksy “endorsed” it, the message seemed true and clear. This was one of the most enjoyable documentaries I’ve seen, and probably one of my favorite movies of this year.

 

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Happy Holidays!

Choke on a bunch of dicks, suckbags! But no seriously, no reviews lately because it’s all been Christmas movies. Luckily I got new Blu Rays, one less job, and one new TV on the way, so things will pick up in the New Year! I’ll be back soon!

TRON: Legacy (2010) [REVIEW]

 

I’m not going to act like I wanted to see this movie all that much, because, well, I didn’t. In case you read my review for the original TRON (review here), you might not remember that I admitted to not really liking the first film. The only reason I even reviewed it was in case TRON: Legacy looked good, I would want some background information. The first time I saw a trailer for this film, I shit my pants for a few reasons. First reason? IT WAS SO GODDAMNED LOUD. Seriously, the volume was at a bowel shattering level, so it was really intense. Another reason was to figure out how they could make a sequel to a film that obviously lacked quite a bit in the plot department, but was just supposedly a “groundbreaking” visual effects film. Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, I wanted to see more of that chick with the asymmetrical haircut, because, well, DAMN. With friends there to back me up, I ventured into TRON: Legacy, and this is what happened.

 

The movie had a disclaimer saying some scenes were in 2D. This was one of them. Which is bullshit, because if there is one thing I want to see in 3D, it’s a guy sitting on a couch.

After the events of the first film, it appears that Kevin Flynn, who was/is played by Jeff Bridges, made a miraculous discovery inside his computer generated universe, referred to as “The Grid”. Shortly after this discovery, he goes missing, leaving his successful company Encom to fend for itself, and his now orphaned son Sam left with the profits. As Sam, played by Garrett Hedlund, gets older, he disassociates himself from the entire company, until one day he is informed of a mysterious transmission from his father’s office, which has been abandoned for 20 years. While investigating the office, Sam is transported into the grid. While Kevin was first designing the Grid, he needed help, so he created a program called Clu that was modeled after his likeness with the simple command of building a perfect universe. Through this command, Clu conspired against Flynn to take power of the Grid, which he did, and has been looking for a way out ever since. Inside the Grid, the real Flynn’s only allies are a babe named Quorra with an asymmetrical haircut, played by Olivia Wilde, and now his son, Sam. Since Sam opened up the portal that allowed him to travel into the Grid, it is now also open for Flynn, Quorra, or possibly even Clu to escape from the Grid. What follows is a laser-blasted and cum-soaked orgy of visceral effects that blows everyone’s dicks out of their asses and eyeballs bleed out of your ears. Yeah, it’s intense.

 

Old Jeff Bridges played a non-confrontational zen hippy. Which is far different from his role in K-PAX” and Stick It.

Where the hell to begin…let’s start with the plot. On my way to this movie with my buddy Wolf Arms, he was commenting on how he had never seen the original and asked if it has a cult following because of the ideas it came up with back in the early 80′s that mirrored concepts that The Matrix capitalized on. I told him no, because that’s not what the first movie was about. This film, however, did have far more philosophical and religious undertones, that weren’t really “under” at all, but this is still a Disney film. The idea was that Flynn discovered intelligent beings within the Grid, one of which was Quorra, and through these beings, humans could unravel the mysteries of life. Uhhh….okay? There is also a standoff between Flynn and Clu in which Flynn admits that although Clu was programmed to build a perfect world, the imperfections of the real world is what makes them perfect. I kind of expected Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” to start playing because of how cheesy it was, but like I said, it was Disney, so they were trying to make a point without being controversial or forward thinking. The plot in this film was better than in the original, but mostly it just served as a way to move the story forward while having some interesting allegories about our current society.

 

I’d like to get ahold of her identity disk, if you know what I’m saying…which you might not, unless you saw the movie.

The reason everyone came to this film was for the visuals, which, to put it bluntly, grabbed your dick right off of you, slapped you around with it, kicked you in the wound that now exists in place of your dick, and then chopped your head off with a lightsaber, that has finally been invented for the sole purpose of chopping your head off. In other words, pretty awesome. The special effects in this film not only set the bar for its current time, but set the standard of things that could be done with visual effects, especially 3D films. It remained true to the themes and aesthetics of the first film, but cranked that shit up to the point of no return. From the design of the Grid, to the outfits the characters wore, to the action sequences, everything was exponentially increased to the highest degree and in an extremely engaging way. I can’t really think of the last movie that I saw that after an action sequence I just kind of thought “Wow”. Good job on that one, guys.

 

This doesn’t quite capture the spirit or intensity of the action sequences, but I’d need like, and animated GIF for that!

Jeff Bridges was awesome, as always. I feel as though some people might go see this movie and every time he says “dude” or “man”, think it’s some sort of Big Lebowski reference, but that’s how he talked in the first film, and he’s been trapped inside a goddamned computer for 20 years, so of course he still says shit like that. I understand why Clu was a digitized version of Jeff Bridges from the 80′s, but there were times it took me out of the movie. Maybe because I knew his face was fake I couldn’t help but think of how fake it was, but like I said, I understand why it was a fake Jeff bridges rather than another actor completely. Garrett Hedlund was fine, as his purpose was mostly to move the story forward, which he did. Olivia Wilde was, well, fun to look at? Surprised that she is only 26, since she has accomplished way more with her life at her age than I have.

 

Daft Punk filming their scene in TRON, or just hanging out around the house? Maybe we’ll never know…

Something that really deserves more credit than it might end up receiving is the soundtrack to this movie. Hooollyyyy shiiiiit it was awesome. The score was the first score that Daft Punk were responsible for, despite having produced the soundtracks for other films. Although it wasn’t as much of a dance album as most of their other work, for a giant film that needed to encompass things other than dance numbers or action sequences, it did a great job. Any time you listen to Daft Punk or see one of their videos, it’s hard not to picture them existing in a world like the Grid, so it comes as no surprise that they were approached for this film. Their sound and aesthetics lend themselves to the antiquated future science fiction without directly referencing any one thing in particular. There’s also a scene that takes place at a club and Daft Punk are there in their Daft Punk robot helmets playing the music, and it was pretty funny.

 

You knew that Clu was a cocksucker right away from that slightly different shade of orange he’s always wearing.

Clearly this is a much longer review than most of the films I talk about on here, but this film provided itself with lots of things to talk about. This was one of the most anticipated films in nerdy social circles, so I figured I kind of owed it to the movie to review it at length. So what’s the final verdict? Everything seems generally positive, right? Yeah, I guess it is. The reason I won’t be giving this movie the best rating available is because I’m not sure that the experience can translate well to the home theater experience. Was it a mind-blowing theatrical experience? Of course. It was more like a ride that you signed up for so you could have all of your senses obliterated just for the sake of fun, and when the credits roll you wipe the blood from your ears and pick your eyeballs up off of the floor, cram them back in your head, and go on your merry way. This film didn’t have a message that we haven’t seen before, but it was still fun to look at Olivia Wilde up on-screen in some weird spandex-y light up outfit. But who knows, maybe I’ll see this shit on Blu-ray and then it rules, I am going to come back and delete this post.

 

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The Walking Dead – Season One (2010) [REVIEW]

 

Considering it wasn’t all that long ago that I talked about the comic and the TV show, I’m just going to briefly discuss my thoughts on this season. And you’re right, it was almost a whole month and a half ago that I talked about seeing the first episode, but I don’t give a shit, because I really just want my thoughts out there. The first episode was a good introduction to the world of The Walking Dead, set up what the rules were, and let you know what kind of ride it would be. Considering most people watching had never read the comic book, there was a lot to explain, and the first episode did that adequately. The second episode introduced you to a few more characters, that were both featured in the comic book and not featured in the comic book, and storywise, it wasn’t really similar to the comics at all. You could picture the events of the show as feasibly taking place in the comic book, but still, some people were upset with the changes. In my opinion, episode 3 is where things really started to come together. The first five minutes were incredibly tense to watch, and all you were waiting for was Rick to finally meet back up with Lori and Carl, but knowing that she was fucking Shane made things realllllly uncomfortable. The first two episodes had set up the world they lived in, but the most tense moments of the show were how this little quasi-society functioned, which is why the comic book is so successful. The other three episodes of the series had it’s ups and downs as far as emotional tension vs. action and gore and dealing with zombies. The final scenes of the season left us with enough resolution in case the second season didn’t get picked up, but there were enough things hinted at to give you things to look forward to with Season Two. For example, only one character who survives to the end of this season isn’t in the comic book, and it’s a character with quite a bit of depth and purpose to them, but other than that, everyone else is already established in the comic. Also, there was a scene where a doctor that the group meets tells Rick that they will wish they had died, and when Rick asks why, the doctor whispers something in his ear that the viewers can’t hear. As a reader, I automatically assumed that the doctor told Rick that his wife was pregnant, which was a big plot point in the comics that caused a lot of tension with the characters. Maybe I’m wrong, and the doctor mentioned something completely unrelated, but it gave the viewers something to look forward to in Season Two. Considering all of the creators involved with this series, I think we can expect a few more seasons of highly entertaining zombie drama. Suck on that, Mad Men!

 

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RoboCop (1987) [REVIEW]

 

Nope, I have never, ever seen this movie before. Shocking, isn’t it? I know all you readers out there had assumed I had seen every movie involving cyborgs enforcing justice, but you’re wrong. DEAD WRONG. And the thing is, I have almost no memory of this film whatsoever. For a movie such as ROBO FUCKING COP, for me to have been almost completely oblivious to it, almost seems like I’m lying. But guess what? I’M NOT LYING YOU ASSHOLES. You’d be surprised at how many random action/sci-fi movies from the 80′s that I’ve never seen. You know what else you might not believe? I’ve never seen Die Hard. Okay no, I’m kidding, of course I’ve fucking seen Die Hard, are you out of your goddamned mind? What American has never seen Die Hard? Correction, what TRUE American has never seen Die Hard? That’s a trick question, because if you have never seen Die Hard then you are a fucking terrorist and should get out of John McClane’s America.

 

Where does the face start and robot begin?! WHO KNOWS! PETER WELLER LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ATE JAMES WOODS AND CRAPPED HIM OUT.

Hmmm…now if only I could remember what time frame this sci-fi movie from the 80′s took place in…OH THAT’S RIGHT, THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUCKING FUTURE. Not only that, but it’s in Detroit, which has always been decades behind everywhere else in the world, so I guess that just kind of balances everything out. In the film, and only in the film, Detroit is portrayed as a veritable no man’s land, where greed, corruption, crime, and violence are running rampant. During a police bust gone wrong, Officer Alex J. Murphy, played by Peter Weller, is shot and killed. His body is used by a corporation to try out some of their new cyborg equipment and turn him into some sort of, robotic policeman or something. He goes out, kills bad guys doing bad things, but part of his humanity comes back as he tries to find the person who killed him. Turns out that the person who killed him was on the payroll of the company that installed the hardware and is untouchable, so now Metal Man is on the run from the greedy corporation! After using his detective skills to uncover the corruption going on in the city, the president of the company is fired, and RoboCop shoots him out of a fucking window, then winks at the camera and says “I’M NOT A MOTHERFUCKING ROBOT, YOU CAN CALL MY METAL ASS ALEX J. MURPHY, NOW SUCK THE LONG COCK OF THE LAW!”, or something like that.

 

“The perfect killing machine! However, it’s only weakness is stairs. Don’t let this shit get near stairs, or you’re all dead.”

Similar to the first time I watched First Blood, I watched this movie and thought “…huh?”. It’s interesting how some movies gain cult followings for justified reasons, and sometimes unjustified reasons. Once again, having absolutely no nostalgia attached to this film, I went into it with a pretty open mind. What did I get? A solid action movie that was ridiculous enough that it was entertaining, and clearly didn’t take itself too seriously. Two great examples of this would be two scenes where the evil corporation is after RoboCop and he has to get away. He’s in a parking garage and people are shooting at him, so he hits the ground, rolls off the edge of that level, only to land on the level below. He then rolls the opposite way, falls down another level, and proceeds to do this until he hits the bottom. It was so practical, it was stupid. I couldn’t help but be entertained by how silly and efficient it was. Another scene involves a huge motherfucking robot that breaks down some doors and makes Murphy shit his metal ass as it starts chasing him through an office building. Murphy runs to the stairs try to get away, then the robot stops behind him, no longer chasing him. Why did he stop? Did Murphy recite a magical incantation? Well, no. The robot’s feet are too big to climb stairs. THE ROBOT’S…..FEET….ARE TOO BIG….FOR THE STAIRS. The robot looks at the stairs, then looks at Murphy, then the stairs, then Murphy….the robot then gives a robotic FUCK IT in his mind, and gives the stairs a shot. BUT HE FUCKING FALLS DOWN AND MURPHY JUST LAUGHS AT THE STUPID FUCKER. It was insane. I feel like this is what people would watch before things like Crank or Punisher – War Zone existed, so I support it completely. Maybe the special effects weren’t the greatest, maybe the plot didn’t make much sense, but it was a fun action movie that you didn’t have to think about.

 

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The Strangers (2008) [REVIEW]

 

I remember when I first started seeing trailers for this movie and thinking, “Oh great, a contemporary horror film, this is gonna be GREATTTTT,” in a very sarcastic tone. Nothing about the trailer made it stand out, so why even bother? While talking to a coworker about it, he was telling me how similar it was to a French film called “Ils“, which translates to “Them”. Both films are about a couple in a secluded house being tormented by people for unknown reasons, who wear masks, and both films also claim to be based on true events. Albeit they are two different “true” events, but it was hard not to draw comparisons between the two films, especially considering the French film had only be released a year prior. Regardless, both films strike a chord in people in the fact that sometimes the most terrifying things in the world are the things we don’t know and why people might be doing them to us.

 

All joking aside, the movie does have a cool style to it. I think that might be more of a credit to the fog rather than to the director.

James and Kristen, played by Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler, respectively, are spending the night at a relative’s cabin after a wedding. Also, Scott Speedman is not that guy from Creed, for the record. Anyways, the film starts off really awkward, uncomfortable, and tense, because we learn that James has proposed to Kristen at the wedding and she turned him down. What was supposed to be a romantic celebratory night away from the world is now just a painful reminder of rejection for James. While trying to get in touch with someone to pick him up, there’s a knock on the door. The person at the door asks for someone who doesn’t live there, so James sends her on her way. A little while later, while James is unavailable, there is another knock at the door, and when Kristen answers, it’s virtually the same interaction with the same person. Things are getting fishy! That’s when the poundings on the door get more intense, their car gets smashed, they try to escape, people get hurt, James accidentally shoots his friend in the head, they get tied to a chair and left for dead, and the masked “strangers” leave, with no one knowing who they are or why they have done what they’ve done.

 

Hey Scott Speedman, relax! That guy just wants to “axe” you a question! Hahahaha! Wait, was that racist?

Well that coworker of mine was right, this film was very similar to Ils, but it had slight differences. At the end of Ils, it turned out to be that the couple were being harassed by a few local kids who were just doing it because it gave them something to do, and those kids were eventually caught in the “true” story. In Strangers, we see the three people unmask themselves to their victims before killing them, although the audience never sees their faces, and they just drive away from the scene of the crimes. But hey guys, guess what? Ya know how I said both of these films were based on true events, and tells the audience that? Well….NEITHER OF THEM WERE. Yeah, that’s right, the filmmakers lied to us, those sons of bitches. Which brings up another difference, that being in how the filmmakers told us these events were real. Ils ends the movie by saying the specifics of what happened when the kids were caught, whereas Strangers opens the movie giving statistics about how many violent crimes take place every year. When you find out that both of these things never happened to anyone, you feel a little cheated that they lied to you, but at least Strangers made things seem a  little more vague, and even though that specific event never happened to anyone, you get the feeling that it could have happened somewhere, and you just never knew about it. Also, the writer/director of Strangers claims that when he was little, someone knocked on his door late at night asking for someone who didn’t live there, and that’s the “true event” that he based this movie on.

 

Hey Liv Tyler, relax! That girl just wants to axe you–wait, nevermind. She wants to stab the shit out of you.

All lies put aside, I enjoy this film. As mentioned earlier, it really toys with some of people’s worst fears, which are being stalked or harassed by some unknown source for some unknown reason. Even though the director seemed a little douche-y in the behind the scenes features, he did a hell of a good job for his first feature. Specifically I give him credit for how tense he started the movie, with two characters obviously going through an awful time. It wasn’t until this viewing of it that Rampaige asked why the characters were so cranky, and when I explained it was because he proposed to her and she said no, it clicked with her, and it was just a nice change of pace for a horror movie. You felt the tension between the characters so well that even if it wasn’t a horror movie, you were already nervous for what they were going through. So when you first see James leave the cabin and watch Kristen get a glass of water and see a figure in the background wearing a mask that she doesn’t seem to notice, the audience just kind of shits themselves. Everything that happens after that is pretty typical of any other horror movie cat and mouse game, and things got spiced up a bit when James accidentally kills his friend, but the tension that starts this movie is what does it for me. If you watch it and have recently been rejected from a proposal, you might not like this movie as much.

 

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Starship Troopers (1997) [REVIEW]

 

And here we go again, another blast from the past. Well, by past, I mean blast from the 90′s. At the time this movie was filming, it was estimated to have cost somewhere between $120 and $140 million dollars, which would have put it as the highest budget of any film until Titanic, whose budget was $200 million, got released later that year. If it cost that much money, it just has to be good, right?! Well, that’s the tricky part. Wanna know what else was tricky? The fact that Denise Richards was in this movie, and I kept hearing about how she was making some movie where she kissed that girl from Scream and Party of Five and, guess what, THIS WASN’T IT! I was very disappointed that this wasn’t the VHS I should have spent money on to rent on a Friday night.

 

HOLY SHIT, THIS GIANT FUCKING BUG IS GONNA EAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

This movie was made in the 90′s and was science fiction, so, yup, you guessed it, it takes place in the “not too distant future”, and apparently we are under attack by giant bugs. The technology exists to give people tests that prove which branch of the military they should go into, and three friends find themselves in different areas. One goes to the much higher level of intelligence, one becomes a pilot to transport the kinds of people who the last friend is, the stupid as shit infantry. They promise to be friends forever, but you get the feeling that something might get in the way of that. There are scenes of basic training, scenes of alien bug fighting, and supposedly at the end they mention that they captured a bug that will mean the end of the war. I don’t really want to waste my time with everything in between, but Denise Richards dies and, let me remind you, we do NOT see her naked.

 

HOLY SHIT, THE DEAD BUGS ARE GETTING PILED SO HIGH THAT THE ALIVE BUGS WILL CLIMB THE DEAD BUGS AND THEN EAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

The first time I saw this movie I thought it was fucking terrible. But, since it’s been over ten years since I was disappointed with the realization that this movie wasn’t Wild Things, and since a lot of people talk about this movie being awesome, and since Rampaige was taking too long to get ready, I decided to give this movie another shot. The verdict this time? It was okay. I understand now that it was supposed to be really cheesy and over-the-top, whereas before I thought it was just bad. Now that I have more of an appreciation for films like that, I could enjoy it from a much better perspective. There were guns, explosions, boobs (that weren’t attached to Denise Richards), and violence. When it comes to mindless action, this movie is just as good as most others, but the question is, why the fuck did they spend $140 million on something that was mocking a genre?! I just don’t get it. The CGI was good and all the effects still held up over time, but this film didn’t even make it’s money back. It is generally considered a flop that just happened to get lucky with whatever sort of cult following it has, but still, was it really worth it?

 

HOLY SHIT NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, OF COURSE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE! SUCH AS, HOW DO I NET GET THE SHIT EATEN OUT OF ME BY GIANT ALIEN BUGS!?

Something about this film that was mildly interesting was the way it seemed to be aware of itself, mock itself, while also using segments of propaganda in similar ways to how it would have been used during WW2 without it being too confusing. If you were to speak to any of the filmmakers, I don’t think any of them would make claims that this movie stood for something other than what it was, and would deny the existence of any sort of deeper meaning. However, that doesn’t mean that it didn’t successfully try to make the characters, as well as the viewers, just downright fucking hate the bugs. With scenes encouraging children to stomp on every bug they saw, to dissecting young bugs in high school to try to learn their weaknesses, to having characters address the camera/viewer directly, it really made you want to join them in their fight. Lucky for us, we aren’t actually at war with alien bugs, but still. Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien, lets us know that “A citizen accepts personal responsibility for the safety of the body politic, of which he is a member, defending it, if need be, with his life. The civilian does not.” The viewers are all civilians, and this film tries to encourage us to be citizens. Also, the only rule we need to know is “Everyone fights. No one quits. You don’t do your job, I’ll shoot you myself.” The only rule according to Michael Ironside, that is. Sorry, got excited quoting this movie, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, it was an expensive attempt at satire that ended up just having lots of blood, laughable dialogue, and a lack of Denise Richards’ boobs.

 

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Daredevil (2003) [REVIEW]

 

Maybe I am just a little too optimistic when it comes to comic book movies, or maybe I just love me some Daredevil a little too much, but I always defend this movie when people talk shit on it. Obviously the first time I walked out of the theater after having seen it, I knew it was bad. I think everybody knew this movie was bad. And in all honesty, there aren’t that many reasons why it should be considered good. The fact that this movie had a Director’s Cut released, however, I think proves that there were only the best intentions when it came to making this movie. Also, anytime someone talks shit on it, there are two other more recent comic book movies that are terrible, those two films being Ghost Rider and Elektra, with the former being just a little bit better than the latter. At least when Ghost Rider is riding his flame motorcycle and whipping chains all over the place, it’s kind of badass to look at. Even though Jennifer Garner was running around in skimpy bondage gear all through her film, it was just so fucking shitty to watch, and Jennifer Garner, a.k.a. Duck Face, doesn’t do anything for me. And believe it or not, yes, I am a heterosexual male who would rather watch  a skeleton riding a flaming motorcycle than a girl in skimpy bondage gear. Before anyone leaves a comment about it, “Sounds like the motorcycle isn’t the only thing that’s flaming”.

 

Blind, but still has an eye for fashion. Also, sometimes he had red (weird orange) hair, other times, not so much. WTF guys?!

Matt Murdock, played by Ben Affleck,  is the son of an arguably washed up boxer living in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood of New York. An accident blinds him, but heightens all of his other senses, giving him near superhuman abilities. When his father refuses to throw a fight, he is murdered, and Matt spends the rest of his life making sure that justice is dished out accordingly, both with his vigilantism as Daredevil at night, as well as his career as a lawyer. The Kingpin, played by Michael Clarke Duncan, is the head of organized crime in the city, and hires a hitman, Bullseye, played by Colin Farrell, who “never misses” his target. In a hit gone wrong, Bullseye kills the father of Elektra Natchios, played by Duck Face, who is Matt Murdock’s love interest. Through bad circumstances, Elektra blames Daredevil for her father’s death and goes after him, and then there is this big rooftop three-way fight kind of thing with Bullseye, Elektra, and Daredevil all kind of fighting each other. Bullseye kills Elektra in the process, but Daredevil critically wounds Bullseye and leaves him for dead as he goes after the Kingpin. Once the battle ends, Daredevil is put in the position to kill the person responsible for his father’s death, but instead chooses to let the police deal with it and let justice be handled through the court system, rather than street justice.

 

So leathery…so horny…the costumes, I mean.

I wanted to point out the bad things about this movie first, but it’s kind of hard to pinpoint all of them. That fight on the playground between Elektra and matt Murdock? Yeah, pretty ridiculous, I’ll give you that. The whole thing just seemed rushed. Once Marvel saw how successful the Spider-Man movie was, which was released the year prior, it seemed like they just picked a superhero name from a hat to see who got the next film. Once Daredevil was chosen, they just chose some actors who were “hot” at the time, rather than seeing how they all worked together. This was just NOT a role for Jennifer Garner, but her show Alias was doing well, so they threw her in there. Ben Affleck provided the big “star” name, and he really wasn’t THAT terrible, he just wasn’t really all that good. Same thing with Michael Clarke Duncan, he didn’t do a bad job, he just seemed kind of out of place. Colin Farrell was pretty awesome in how insanely over the top his performance was, which Bullseye pretty much is. He just lacked that insanity that the character has, so he was more laughable than he was intimidating. He could have said all the same lines, but if there was a little bit more of an edge to it, or were there a few changes here or there, he would have pulled it off, but instead he just heightened the overall sense of silliness to the whole film.

 

Wait…Kingpin is black?! Bullseye has an actual bullseye on his face?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO MY WORLD.

Now let’s try some good things. The director’s cut of this film has 25 extra minutes, mostly with courtroom investigating. That has always been a big part of Daredevil/Matt Murdock, which is that he is short-sighted (LOL he’s blind). He focuses on only one neighborhood to protect, and is pretty self-centered as well as a little egotistical. These personality quirks were demonstrated a lot more in those scenes. As far as the “action” scenes, or any time he is jumping around, there are quite a few similarities to images from the comics that seemed almost shot for shot, so you can tell that the people behind the movie had actually opened the book before. Speaking of opening up the comics, I can’t think of another single comic book movie that referenced as many important creators involved with that character than this film. Stan Lee has his cameo, and Kevin Smith, who wrote a Daredevil storyline, played someone named “Kirby”, named after Jack Kirby, who is as important to Marvel’s history as Stan Lee. The names Everett, Quesada, Colan, Romita, Kane, Miller, Mack, and Bendis are used, all of these people being tied to writing/creating/illustrating Daredevil through the years. Frank Miller also has a cameo in the film, so that’s another one. Ultimately, I feel this film had good intentions, was had talented people involved with it, but everything was just rushed to try to cash in on the Spider-Man success, and hopefully one day we see another attempt at a Daredevil movie. And you’re right, the theatrical version does suck, and the director’s cut is a little bit better, but this film isn’t going to be winning any awards for anything other than it’s shittiness.

 

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Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) [REVIEW]

 

A few reviews back, I think it was Paranormal Activity 2, I talked all sorts of shit on this movie. Then I realized I had never actually seen it. Fuck me, right? I just didn’t really think I had to see it…ever. Then I decided to be a mature, sophisticated person who wastes his time watching garbage before thoroughly talking shit on it. Even though I was in high school when this movie came out, I was still smart enough to know it was a stupid idea. The original had only been released the year before this one, and the reason that one was scary was because of the style it was shot in, as opposed to the storyline. How could this one possibly be as enjoyable as the original? Who the fuck thought this movie was a good idea? I graduated from the same college as one of the main actors, and remember going to see friends in the theater department and seeing his picture hanging up because of how successful he was. Good job buddy! I think I also heard at one point Rob Corddry, who also went to my school, auditioned for the improv troupe I was in and didn’t get in. Just to show you who is funnier and more successful, myself or Rob Corddry. Wait…dammit.

 

“Don’t worry guys, we’ll still have careers after this, the only people who go to see it will be our family members, and they HAVE to love us, right? Guys? Is this thing on?”

The timeline of this movie is all sorts of fucking wacky, so I can’t really remember the exact details of when things were happening. The movie starts with a whole bunch of fake news segments about the mythology of The Blair Witch Project, and people questioning whether it was real or not. That part was kind of interesting, because when the original came out, there were some people who thought it was real. This movie bought into that and showed brief news segments of people who believed it was real, people who knew it was just a movie, and people who were exploiting those others who thought it was real. This leads to a “Blair Witch Tour” taking a few people into the woods where the movie was filmed to investigate and see if anything spooky happens. The characters in this movie were so fucking ridiculous, between the paranoid computer geek video technician, to the super goth and in touch with death chick, to the girl who refers to herself as Wiccan constantly and in the most contrived ways possible, they’re all just so laughable. This group of tourists bump into another group of tourists, both trying to stake claim to camping in the most haunted spot (the remains of the house from the first movie), but the first group gets it. When they wake up the next morning, all their shit is trashed, along with their equipment, so they’re all just like WHOA WHAT THE FUCK and go back into town to try to figure out what’s happened.

 

You know how I know this bitch is goth? SHE’S LAYING ON A FUCKING TOMBSTONE. NO BIG DEAL.

If this movie didn’t make sense up to this point, it makes even less sense from here. Once they get back to paranoid guy’s apartment, they see on the news that there were brutal murders in the woods last night. They start reviewing the tapes from the night prior that were able to be salvaged, and start seeing weird things. Apparently in the middle of the night, Wiccan girl was dancing around some tree naked. But in the video, the tree was really young, but when they camped, it was really old…WHAT THE FUCK?! Goth girl goes out to get beer and is harassed by the girl ringing her up, so she steals the beer and gets back to the apartment. One of the women who was on the tour starts claiming responsibility for the things that happened, as well as speaking in crazy nonsense, and everyone is, once again, all WTF?! She starts taking responsibility for what happened, so the gang starts getting all up in her business to the point that she hangs herself in front of all of them. Oh yeah, and the house itself is shapeshifting or something? Who the fuck knows what they were doing. Anyways, the real cops show up and arrest and interrogate all of them. Turns out, there is video evidence of the gang killing those people in the woods, the goth girl killing the clerk when she got beer, and them wrapping a noose around the girl’s neck and showing her to kill her. THE BLAIR WITCH MADE THEM DO ALL THESE THINGS NOOOOO!!!!!!!

 

You know how I know this bitch is Wiccan? BECAUSE SHE’S LAYING IN FUCKING LEAVES. NO BIG DEAL. (I seriously think that was the thought process behind the filmmakers)

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. How did this movie exist? Is it possible that it was even WORSE than I had anticipated it would be? I think I mentioned in another review that this film took the mythology of the first film and expanded upon it. Well, this movie might as well have been just a fan-made video because of the amount of ridiculously stupid shit that was somehow sort of related to a couple of things  that were kind of hinted at in the first film that these filmmakers tried to reference. Even the quality of the film that this was shot on seemed to be awful, that I really thought it was some straight-to-video bullshit, and completely forgot it was actually released in theaters. It seemed like there was some sort of brainstorming session to come up with ideas of what this movie could be about, and they decided to go ahead with EVERY FUCKING IDEA THEY HAD. It was just a giant amalgam of bullshit and nonsense that didn’t connect to anything at all. I’m sure that by the time you got to the end of my plot recap, you might have thought, “That sounds slightly interesting”, and I even thought that too, but one tiny grain of anything interesting at all is so completely drowned out by utter horseshit nonsense in filmmaking that there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie. Oh, and I don’t think they even once talked about books, especially ones that were Shadow-books. Go UMass Minutemen!

 

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