I haven’t seen this show, but want to. It’s on my Netflix Instant Queue! I logged into Netflix at work and saw that someone had been watching it without me, and then received the following texts:
Rampaige: Want my wolfman review of californication show? Mulder is old, mean, does lots of ladies. Shitty. Where is scully
Rampaige: Nm his girlf has red hair…scullys daughter
Can anyone attest to the accuracy of this review? Anyone? Thoughts on letting Rampaige review more things? She’s a lot more concise, I’ll give her that.
I really wanted to say something about finally being at the last one, but that’s not even fucking true. I guess depending on how you categorize the movies, technically Freddy’s Dead could be the last one, since it features the fictional world of Springwood, whereas New Nightmare gets a little weird. The main character is Heather Langenkamp, the star of the original, playing herself. Robert Englund is of course in this one as well, playing not only Freddy Krueger, but also playing Robert Englund. Not to mention a guest appearance by Wes Craven….playing Wes Craven. Confused yet? Good.
Talk about a remake! His hat is green and his face is shittier! HOLLYWOOD!
Heather is on the set of the newest Freddy Krueger movie where her husband is working as a special effects artist. The Freddy glove comes to life and starts killing people on set, and Heather wakes up to realize it’s a dream. Obviously her role as Nancy in two of the films is causing some bad dreams. She starts doing press for the 10 year anniversary of the original film, and reconnects with Robert Englund and Wes Craven. Craven says he has been having nightmares about some evil entity or something, and that his dreams say the only way the evil entity can be defeated is by trapping it in a work of art? But not like Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2. Or at least, I don’t think quite in that way. The rest of the movie acts as a pretty standard Freddy film, and Heather eventually defeats him. Sorry, but once you reference Vigo the Carpathian you throw out all hope for accurately summarizing the plot of any film…other than Ghostbusters 2.
“You’re saying that after this, I have to direct a movie about a vampire…in Brooklyn…starring Eddie Murphy? Well, punishment fits the crime!”
Guess what? This is the first film in the series to even come close to being as entertaining as the original. Sure, it got a little confusing and self-reflexive, but they managed to pull it off. The changing of the mythology, whatever the fuck it was that Wes Craven was talking about, is the reason why I felt this film worked. It wasn’t quite a “remake”, but told the same story using similar characters in a similar way, yet it was different enough that you didn’t seem to mind the introductory period where you get acquainted with these concepts. The other films in the franchise don’t need time to explain the fact that Freddy will kill the shit out of you, but they do anyways, and it’s boring as shit. In this film, by making Heather Langenkamp the main character, the rules were changed slightly, so you had to connect to the characters and rules of this world. When people died, you were actually curious as to how that could happen. All it took was five shitty sequels before making another film in the franchise that didn’t suck huge dong. But still, I don’t even like the first film that much anyway.
HOLY SHIT, THIS ONE DOESN’T HAVE THE WORD “DREAM” IN THE TITLE! Fuck me, we’re making progress. Back to the task at hand, this shitty piece of fuck. Freddy is back at it again, but apparently it is established that he can’t leave the town he terrorizes people in, for no real reason. One kid escapes from Freddy, only to bump his head and forget where he is from. He is taken to an orphanage and one of the women who works there finds a newspaper clipping in his pocket and tries to travel back to the town, Springwood, with some stowaways that just wanted to leave the orphanage. When they finally get to Springwood, people start falling asleep and, big surprise, dying. And yes, that includes Freddy taking over someone’s dream and putting them into a videogame world? Somehow people learn that Freddy was abused as a child, self-mutilated as a teen, and murdered his wife, but not before having a child of his own. Guess what? That child is the woman who works at the orphanage! We also learn that right before he was burned alive, he made a deal with these little demon things which were what give him his powers, but then he is brought into the real world and his daughter blows him up with a pipe bomb, and the movie ends right after she looks at the camera and says, “Freddy’s dead.” I wonder if they planned to have the last line of the movie be the title, or if that was just a coincidence…
WHY AM I ONLY JUST NOW REMEMBERING THAT HE TURNS HIS CLAW HAND GLOVE INTO A GODDAMN POWERGLOVE FOR VIDEOGAMES. POWERGLOVE…IT’S SO BAD.
SHITTY PILE OF SHIT. That’s what this movie was. But you know what? It’s going to get a better rating than the previous two films. The main reason being that, even though it made no sense, the last thirty minutes finally explained how he could do what he could do. This is the ONLY explanation we got of how he could come into people’s dreams and manipulate them. Up until this point, all the back story we knew was that he raped/killed/was a jerk to little kids, parents took vengeance into their hands, and now he is invading their dreams. I’m sure some people will argue, “No way man, the mystery of Freddy is what was so cool!” Fuck that. And fuck them for saying that. Michael Myers didn’t need a back story because he was a physical being. Jason Voorhees didn’t need a back story because we knew he was some sort of zombie ghost monster thing. Freddy? HOW CAN HE EXIST IN THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL REALM AND DO THE THINGS HE DOES! Oh, he was given power by fire demons? Yeah, that’s okay with me.
OH I FUCKING GET IT, YOU THINK IT’S COOL FOR A MOVIE TITLE TO INCLUDE BOTH THE WORDS “DREAM” AND “NIGHTMARE” YOU STUPID FUCKING PREDICTABLE COCKSUCKERS. Goddammit, seriously? All these shitty movies are just blurring together into nonsense. I tried to describe what the difference was between this movie and part four and part six, and I just couldn’t do it. It’s not that I didn’t want to, because I did. I really did, but I just couldn’t recall the important details. I think the closest I came was: “Shitty teenage actors fall asleep, Freddy does stupid shit to them that negated the laws of physics, and then he was defeated”. Is that so wrong of me? To get pissed over the physics? I think it’s more that I get pissed over contradictions in physics. I can grant you the miracle exception that through manipulating someone’s dream, you can have a physical impact on them, but when Freddy starts being able to manipulate the atomic matter of physical objects, I just fucking give up.
Yup, that’s what Freddy Krueger looks like as a baby.
Here we go again, another shitty installment in a shitty fucking franchise. How can people say that Freddy’s awesome? He’s not. You heard it here, folks. Freddy Krueger sucks dicks. So the happy couple from the previous film have been fucking each other and now the bitch is knocked up. HOW RESPONSIBLE. Anyways, she’s knocked up and guess what? Freddy is somehow killing people again. BUT HOW?! Why, by manipulating the dreams of her unborn child of course! Stupid shit happens, people die, she sees some little kid in the hospital that everyone denies actually exists, only to end up being the visage of her aged, unborn child? She teams up with the little kid to fight Freddy, where they are able to turn Freddy Krueger into a baby so they can cram him back up into the ghost of his mother’s puss. CRAM A BABY FREDDY KRUEGER….UP INTO THE GHOST….OF HIS MOM’S VAGINA. And that’s how they win. Why were they not doing this in the first fucking film?
Sorry, Super Freddy, but you ain’t got shit on Super Shredder.
What’s that, you say? You are pissed that I didn’t mention the scene where a “comic book nerd” gets sucked into the dreamworld of the comic book he created, thus drawing himself as his own superhero that has enough power to defeat Freddy, only to have Freddy turn into a supervillain and then kill this guy in a scene reminiscent of the director’s cut of A-Ha’s “Take On Me” music video? Sorry, must have forgotten about that scene. I might be tempted to call this film the worst in the series so far, but it’s tough. Part four was also pretty terrible, so it’s got some stiff competition. These movies are pissing me off so badly, I really had no idea the series was this bad. Fuck. ONLY FOUR MORE TO GO!
Alright you fucks, here we go again. This story is about some people who were released from the institution from the third movie where we had the dream warriors. These people? MORE DREAM WARRIORS! But guess what? Freddy is coming for them again! Who would have fucking believed it?! Freddy starts killing people, including once when he is swimming inside some dude’s waterbed and some scene on a beach where he wears funny sunglasses. Also, this is the installment of the film where he rips his shirt open and you see all these faces on his stomach, supposedly of the kids he has killed. Remember how the dream warriors can party in each other’s dreams? Well, they can still do that, and somehow one of those bitches starts being able to absorb the “skills” of her friends that die. One guy knows karate, another, well, has good fashion sense or something? So she absorbs that. Real helpful. Anyway, she absorbs all these skills and then goes into the dreamworld to take on Freddy. There’s also all this bullshit about the dream world and the gates of good dreams or something equally stupid sounding? What? I don’t know, this movie was bullshit, but guess what…Freddy was defeated, only at the end for things to allude to him still being alive! HOLY FUCK!
I don’t give a shit that someone added their own MS Paint graphic arts work to this picture, because look at those fucking sunglasses.
This is where shit got real shitty. And insane. Did I mention insane? There is just NOTHING redeeming about this movie that I can think of. I understand the whole “this movie is so bad that it’s good” idea, but it’s just, well, shitty. I couldn’t take it. Maybe if Rampaige was willing to watch it with me, that would be one thing, but she fell asleep. Did I mention there’s a scene where Freddy wears sunglasses? I almost forgot…there’s a scene where this one bitch dreams she turned into a cockroach and gets stuck in a roach hotel. FREDDY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? CAN’T YOU JUST CHOP HER TITS OFF AND SHIT ON HER FACE TO DEATH? WHY THE ELABORATE FAKE COCKROACH BULLSHIT? If they followed that train of thought, I wouldn’t be surprised that all of a sudden, OH NO! I’M A BLADE OF GRASS! AND HERE COMES A LAWNMOWER TO CHOP OFF MY HEAD! Or maybe, OH NO! I’M A PIECE OF GUM! SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO PUT ME IN THEIR MOUTH AND CHEW ME TO DEATH! Goddammit, this movie sucks, fuck you, bring on the shitstorm of number 5.
Oh, what was that? You’ve got Patricia Arquette? Interesting. You’ve got Larry Fishburne? Who? OH THAT’S RIGHT, LARRY FUCKING FISHBURNE, NONE OF THAT LAURENCE FISHBURNE SHIT YET! Patricia Arquette is the one having crazy dreams, so she gets institutionalized with a group of teens who all have similar conditions. They all have weird dreams of this “Krueger” guy and they have group therapy together and shit like that. And guess who one of the daughters is….Heather Langenkamp! The bitch from the first movie! I know what you’re thinking…didn’t she die in a car at the end of the first one? In theory, but I guess not, and it’s never mentioned again. What is mentioned? Freddy’s mom! Turns out she was a nun who was raped by 100 maniacs. RAPED. BY. 100. MANIACS. THAT’S WHY HE’S SUCH A DICK. Anyways, the Dream Warriors, aka the main characters of the film, are able to get into each other’s dreams to fight Freddy, and they do. While they are dream fighting them, people are finding his physical remains so they can kill that too. And you know what? They do! But not without Heather Langenkamp dying, again, and having a stupid scene at the end implying Freddy is still alive. Fucking great.
Okay, so maybe the scene where Freddy is this big wormy thing and eats Patricia Arquette is funny, but that’s about it.
First of all, kudos to this film for having its own song, entitled “Dream Warriors”, performed by Dokken. That’s kind of the best thing about this film, which isn’t really saying much. Like the previous installment of the series, this film doesn’t really do many exciting things, but it does plant the seed that people can come together in dreams to fight Freddy. But once again, that’s really all that this one has going for it. I think they tried to get some momentum by incorporating cast members from the first film for nostalgia’s sake, but they killed her….again…after not explaining how she survived in the first one. They also introduced the drug “Hypnocil”, which I remember seeing in Freddy vs. Jason, so it was kind of cool to see the fact that it was introduced this far back. I also just read that because of the success of Dokken’s contribution, all Krueger films after that had a heavy metal soundtrack. BRUTAL! Oh, and also the fact that Krueger was born from a nun was kind of interesting, and it’s this movie’s fault that I got that trivia question wrong when I played it at a bar back in October. I’m such a dumb, dumb bastard.
No bullshit this time about what made me watch this movie, because I already said it a few posts ago. And if you can’t remember, fuck off. Also, don’t forget, I warned you that these reviews would be short and sweet. Mostly because these movies all sucked copious amounts of dicks. So this kid moves into a new house on some street….OH THAT’S RIGHT IT’S ELM STREET! That’s where shitty things happen! Not only that, but it’s that bitch from the first movie’s house who died! Remember? We kind of saw her die because she got into a car that was overpowered by Freddy? Keep that in mind. So he moves in and starts having nightmares with Freddy, and he then discovers the diary of the girl who used to live there as she chronicled her dreams. Then some people he knows start dying and he starts sleepwalking or something? I guess Freddy has somehow found a way to manipulate this dude and that gives Freddy power to kill people. Eventually, the girl this dude loves kisses him and is all “OH COME BACK TO ME, YOU AREN’T FREDDY!” and then there’s fire and ashes and the dude crawls out of Freddy’s ashes. But then he has a dream with Freddy as a bus driver and everyone is kind of dead again? Or something? Fuck it.
I mentioned the weird monster tongue make out session, right? Now? Too bad.
Well, looking back at that synopsis, I feel like maybe I’m missing something. Guess what? Not really. It’s not that much worse than the original, but in case you remember, I didn’t really like the first one that much. One thing that I guess was good, and I use that term loosely, but helped solidify the concept of what Freddy was about was really exploring the dream vs. reality idea. Everything else about the movie though? Really not that good. I wish I could say more, but, it was kind of a chore to get through. Also, as of this moment, I have watched installments 3-6 that I also need to review, and they all sucked just as much. It’s a huge void of sucky shitty one-liners and cheesy death scenes.
I have a pretty big man boner for Alexandre Aja. I mean come on, High Tension? Awesome. The Hills Have Eyesremake? Super awesome, possibly more enjoyable than the original. Piranha 3D? Holy fuck yeah. Mirrors? Well, everybody is allowed some mistakes. But when I found out he was going to be involved in the Friday the 13th remake I was pretty stoked. And then guess what happened? HE FUCKING STOPPED BEING INVOLVED! Bullshit, right? After finding that out, my interest in the film went from willing to see it theatrically to willing to get it out of that piece of shit Redbox service. That’s right, not even willing to put it on my Netflix queue, only willing to randomly rent it when I went to get groceries. And you know what made me watch this movie again? THE FACT THAT I NOW OWN IT ON BLU-RAY! What a turn of events!
Hahaha, nice bag on your head you stupid piece of shit. Real intimidating.
The first five minutes of this film recreated the ending of the first film, with a voiceover from Jason’s mother talking about how pissed she was that her son died because of camp counselor negligence and fornication. Her head gets chopped off. We then see a figure hovering over her and then run into the woods, supposedly Jason. We then see a group of teens that are in search of drugs in the woods who have to camp out for the night. One couple goes exploring and finds a house, only to be interrupted by Jason trying to kill them. Another couple has sex in a tent after the girl whips out her jugs and smears baby oil all over them like it ain’t no thang. That girl happens to be America Olivo from Bitch Slap, by the way, who apparently my brother and I heard sing the National Anthem at a Cubs game? Oh, then another dude goes running into the woods to find weed, and he gets killed too. So all those characters we just met are all dead I guess? And Jason is wearing a bag over his head. Look at that! They’ve already summed up the first two movies in 20 minutes.
Why are you complaining? Who gives a shit? You’re all going to die.
So now we meet NEW teenagers, Travis Van Winkle plays a guy in search of his sister, who was one of the girls who supposedly got killed in the beginning, but he deserves it because he got to kiss Diora Baird in Stan Helsing. Ryan Hanson, from Party Down and Veronica Mars fame, and Willa Ford, who was one time some famous singer for some song, but she was famous in this for showing her boobs. Oh, and there’s a couple other arbitrary characters who die so who gives a shit. While Jason is trying to kill these assholes, he finds his iconic hockey mask to replace his fancy bag, so good for him. Anyways, Jason kills someone with a bow and arrow, he throws a tomahawk, he booby traps things, good old Jason antics. Eventually everybody dies except for the dude looking for his sister, and his sister, that he has found. They throw Jason into a woodchipper and then toss his body in Crystal Lake…..ONLY TO HAVE HIM JUMP OUT OF THE WATER AND GRAB THAT BITCH AT THE END LIKE HE DID IN THE FIRST MOVIE.
Maybe you should have rethought that whole “go waterskiing topless with creeps lurking in the woods” thing…
So let me just first talk about this film as I would any other slasher. It was fair. That’s about it. The plot didn’t really matter, it was just about the violence and the pleasure that you took from seeing the characters die. Between the drugs, boobs, and violence, this movie has pretty much everything you need in the equation. So how does it rank as a Friday the 13th film? Well, once again, it hit the major points of most of the films in the series, which are drugs, boobs, and violence. This was a recurring theme in most of the films and it tied into the mythology of the character. The reason Jason drowned was because the counselors were too busy doing drugs and having sex, so the first film involved Jason’s mother wreaking havoc on them, which is why we always see characters that partake in these things dying. So there you have it, even though this film was a “remake”, they might as well have just made it the umpteenth installment of the series because of how closely it adheres to the mythology.
“GIVE CASEY JONES A HUG, YOU WEIRD FACED FUCK.”
So what about all you cocksuckers complaining about the booby traps and the running and the fact that he kills people in more ways than just smashing them? Well, fuck you for thinking that. Similarly to Freddy Krueger, I feel as though Jason is a character who is larger than life who people don’t really know the “rules” of. In the first film, he wasn’t even the killer. In the second film, he didn’t wear the mask. It wasn’t until the third film that he got the mask, and the fourth film clearly shows him running after his victims. Also, the fourth film was intended to be the last, until it was successful. It seems as though from the fifth film on, he does adhere to the “rules” of Jason, but that’s only a little more than half of the franchise. Keeping in mind this is a remake, which is generally meant to reinterpret the source material, I think the filmmakers kept true with the Jason mythology. The use of beartraps, tomahawks, and archery are all tied in to the fact that he lives at/near campgrounds. These are probably all skills he picked up while he was younger or picked up from watching others. Granted, this movie didn’t really bring anything new to the equation, but I feel they successfully added another chapter into the series that surpassed a good majority of the installments, despite the fact that they broke “rules”.
I was about to start typing all about how this is yet another “classic” sci-fi from the 80′s that I never got around to watching, but upon further investigation, it wasn’t even made in the 80′s! Look above you! Ya see that?! 1990 bitch! Shows how much you know. The things I knew about this movie going into it were that it had to do with Mars, there’s a scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s eyeballs pop out of his head, and also a scene where some lady’s head opens up and good old Arnold is hanging out inside. Wait, just remembered that there was a lady with three boobs. I had no idea that there would be any type of plot, just a string of insanity and a tagline of “In the not too distant future…” like most sci-fi movies are. But guess what this movie has going for it…it was based on a Philip K. Dick short story! Good for them!
AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Arnold plays Douglas Quaid, some dude in the future who has dreams of visiting Mars, except he’s an old fucker. He sees that there is a company that offers the experience of going to Mars without the risks of actually going. He goes to this company called “Recall” that offers memory implantation of visiting Mars, but Quaid is nervous because he heard of someone whose brain went to mush after visiting. Quaid visits Recall but freaks out during the procedure and runs away. Everyone starts turning on him and is out to get him, even his wife. People start leaving him clues on who he should go talk to, and who he can trust. Eventually he makes his way to Mars, where there are a bunch of people turning into mutants because of the toxic atmosphere on Mars. So uh, long story short, it turns out Quaid worked for the organization he was running from, and there was a crazy mind implant that made him think he was with some underground resistance, only to lead the company to the leader of the resistance, but Quaid got pissed and killed people and then changed the atmosphere on Mars. AND THAT’S WHY HE’S THE FUCKING GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I pretty much summed up my thoughts on this movie when explaining what I already knew. I don’t know if I would say it was bad, nor would I say it was good. I’ve been struggling to write this review for a good week now because I really can’t think of anything to say about it. I suppose it was mildly interesting that it could be considered a precursor to movies like The Matrix or Inception, with the whole “Are you asleep right now imagining this happening or is it actually happening”, but having never read the book, I’m not sure if that’s a credit to the book or the movie. Arnold was, well, Arnold of course. So good for him. Sharon Stone was in this and managed to not take her clothes off. Oh, and Michael Ironside was in it, he’s a badass. There was also that scene with the conjoined mutant baby, which I guess was something I didn’t know about beforehand? Whatever, fuck this movie.
I think I had seen this movie once and a half. My first glimpses of it were when my older brother rented it and let me watch it, and it was fucking weird. There was a lot of dancing naked, weird turtlenecks, and people wearing weird animal masks. I must have either spaced out through most of it, or maybe left the room, because I only remember those things, and of course, the ending. Which reminds me, I will be talking about the ending of this movie in my plot synopsis, and it’s a good twist, so feel free to not read that part. So that was my half-viewing, and then when I got Netflix originally I got it and watched it in it’s entirety, and it was still really weird. Despite not having seen it all that often, it left a pretty big impact, and considering I referenced it when I reviewed The Last Exorcism (review here) I figured I should give it another go. Oh, and I wanted Rampaige to watch it, so I wanted to try to force her to see it.
Shit like this haunts my dreams.
On a secluded island off the coast of Scotland, Sergeant Howie, played by Edward Woodward, arrives to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a small girl named Rowan. The residents of this island all seem a bit odd, and something doesn’t really sit right with Sergeant Howie. While attempting to find out where Rowan has disappeared to, he sees lots of nakedness and people doing things that go against his strict Christian ethics. Everyone on the island appears to belong to a Celtic neo-paganist cult where concepts of sexuality and reincarnation are very prominent. Sergeant Howie is not a fan of this, and starts thinking that Rowan was possibly murdered. With permission of the island’s magistrate, Lord Summerisle, played by Christopher Lee, Howie digs up a casket supposedly belonging to Rowan, only to find a hare inside. Through his investigating, Howie determines that there is a connection between Rowan, the failure of crops the year prior, Rowan’s involvement in that year’s harvest festivities, and the pagan believes of this “cult” places Rowan in danger. While following a trail of clues, Howie discovers Rowan tied up, and thinking she will be sacrificed, helps her escape, only to stumble into Lord Summerisle. When Rowan hugs Lord Summerisle, he realizes that the little girl is not the one in danger, but in fact, Sergeant Howie will be the sacrifice. Howie is brought to a giant man made out of wicker, hence the title, that he is placed in and burned alive.
Not Work Safe! Wait, I’m posting this while at work. What does that say about me? IT’S JUST SOME BUTTS, PEOPLE!
For the record, I kept spelling Rowan incorrectly during that synopsis, and got pissed off every time. Anyways, poor Sergeant Howie, huh? I am glad I watched this movie because I couldn’t remember why I enjoyed it, only to have all my suspicions of enjoyment reaffirmed. This movie starts off as a typical thriller from the 70′s that is more about tone and mood than about scary characters or situations. Yes, it’s weird to see the people being naked all the time, and also weird to have so many scenes where the characters break into song, but these things shouldn’t be dismissed as arbitrary. I felt that the goal was to make a film that was different from most thrillers so that you could relate to Sergeant Howie in how bizarre everything was. For example, when Howie first gets to the island and is introduced to the daughter of the innkeeper where he’ll be staying, all the characters start singing a song about her being a whore and wanting to fuck her. Even the daughter looks on with a smile while Howie just stands there with a look on his face of “UMMM…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?”. You can relate to how weird things are on the island, and therefore, how weird the events of the movie are.
“AND I SWEAR, HIS COCK MUST HAVE BEEN THIS BIG!”
After establishing that the island is weird, where do we go from here? Sure, it’s easy to just say, “Everyone here is a weirdo”, but you then need some sort of plot to tell a story. About 45 minutes in, after realizing that everyone on the island are freaky creeps, they move forward with a pretty good detective story. You can see Howie putting everything together, and the viewer themselves question what has happened to this poor little girl. Who sent the letter? Why was her grave empty? Why did the crops fail? It’s then at the end of the movie, after convincing you it was a “normal” detective story, that they turn all of that on its head and you end up with a human sacrifice. This movie was even better than I remember. A great film that can combine a strange plot with surreal images and concepts and throw in a little bit of the occult and human sacrifice. Oh, and Christopher Lee wears this crazy ass wig at one point.
