A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) [REVIEW]

 

OH I FUCKING GET IT, YOU THINK IT’S COOL FOR A MOVIE TITLE TO INCLUDE BOTH THE WORDS “DREAM” AND “NIGHTMARE” YOU STUPID FUCKING PREDICTABLE COCKSUCKERS. Goddammit, seriously? All these shitty movies are just blurring together into nonsense. I tried to describe what the difference was between this movie and part four and part six, and I just couldn’t do it. It’s not that I didn’t want to, because I did. I really did, but I just couldn’t recall the important details. I think the closest I came was: “Shitty teenage actors fall asleep, Freddy does stupid shit to them that negated the laws of physics, and then he was defeated”. Is that so wrong of me? To get pissed over the physics? I think it’s more that I get pissed over contradictions in physics. I can grant you the miracle exception that through manipulating someone’s dream, you can have a physical impact on them, but when Freddy starts being able to manipulate the atomic matter of physical objects, I just fucking give up.

 

Yup, that’s what Freddy Krueger looks like as a baby.

Here we go again, another shitty installment in a shitty fucking franchise. How can people say that Freddy’s awesome? He’s not. You heard it here, folks. Freddy Krueger sucks dicks. So the happy couple from the previous film have been fucking each other and now the bitch is knocked up. HOW RESPONSIBLE. Anyways, she’s knocked up and guess what? Freddy is somehow killing people again. BUT HOW?! Why, by manipulating the dreams of her unborn child of course! Stupid shit happens, people die, she sees some little kid in the hospital that everyone denies actually exists, only to end up being the visage of her aged, unborn child? She teams up with the little kid to fight Freddy, where they are able to turn Freddy Krueger into a baby so they can cram him back up into the ghost of his mother’s puss. CRAM A BABY FREDDY KRUEGER….UP INTO THE GHOST….OF HIS MOM’S VAGINA. And that’s how they win. Why were they not doing this in the first fucking film?

 

Sorry, Super Freddy, but you ain’t got shit on Super Shredder.

What’s that, you say? You are pissed that I didn’t mention the scene where a “comic book nerd” gets sucked into the dreamworld of the comic book he created, thus drawing himself as his own superhero that has enough power to defeat Freddy, only to have Freddy turn into a supervillain and then kill this guy in a scene reminiscent of the director’s cut of A-Ha’s “Take On Me” music video? Sorry, must have forgotten about that scene. I might be tempted to call this film the worst in the series so far, but it’s tough. Part four was also pretty terrible, so it’s got some stiff competition. These movies are pissing me off so badly, I really had no idea the series was this bad. Fuck. ONLY FOUR MORE TO GO!

 

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3 responses to “A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989) [REVIEW]

  1. Most fans hate it, but I think it’s just as entertaining and stylish as Part 4. Freddy was no longer all that scary by this point, so Part 5 plays with the concept a bit and pokes a little fun without going overboard, and there is a queasy creepiness to the elaborate death scenes. It also brings back Alice from Part 4, which is good.

    • Maybe I gave some of these movies a more critical review because I was so frustrated with myself for making the decision to watch them, but then on the other hand, I don’t think I ever want to see any of these ever again! But then again, I like plenty of things other people don’t like, and totally encourage people to like the things they like.

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