I saw this movie in fucking THEATERS. Do ya hear me?! IN….THEATERS. And even back then I knew it was bad. Also, based on release date, I’m not even sure whether or not I had to sneak in. Either way, it wasn’t worth it. Even back in 1998 I knew it was shitty, and that was when I still thought Scream was awesome. I wasn’t too big on Michael Myers back then, and I’m still not too big on him now. I do remember really hoping that Michelle Williams would be naked or something, just because I knew she was in Dawson’s Creek. Michelle Williams was no Katie Holmes, but I was willing to take what I could get when it came to naked ladies. Well, I guess some things never change.
Don’t worry, you’ll both have much better careers after this. Well, “better” is subjective, what I meant to say is you’ll both do more movies, with varying levels of awful.
This movie does not take place underwater, just to clear that up. It takes place 20 years after the original takes place, and Jamie Lee Curtis is back! With Josh Hartnett and his permanent bed-head as her son! They live in California, in hopes of forgetting Laurie’s past. Michael somehow makes his way to California…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! LL Cool J is the security guard, and this movie plays out pretty much how you expected. Michael shows up, tries killing people, Laurie is bummed about Michael, typical bullshit. There comes a point where Laurie and her son are about to escape, but then she tells them to go on without them. She stays behind so she can kill Michael once and for all. Thinking she’s done it, the cops show up and put him in a body bag. She then steals the car with his body and drives it into a tree. With Michael pinned between a tree and the car, she takes an axe and chops his head off, his last moment spent trying to get help from his sister.
HOW IS HIS MASK NOT DIRTY?! Also, in this one they gave his mask an even dumber haircut. He looked like he should have been a VJ on MTV in the late 90’s. Oh, wait…
Goddammit. For every mildly interesting or entertaining thing that would happen, there’d be something fucking stupid. For example, there’s a scene where Laurie is teaching a class, and Michelle Williams’s character looks out a window daydreaming, when Michael appears. Laurie calls on her, snaps out of it, and when she looks back, he is gone. JUST LIKE IN THE FIRST MOVIE. However, it got canceled out by the scene where everybody wants to know who is attacking them, and there’s a pause, the camera zooms in to Laurie’s face, then she says, “MY BROTHER!”. FUCKING KILL ME. Then on the plus side, Janet Leigh, from the original Psycho, plays Laurie’s Mom in this movie, which is funny, because she is Jamie Lee Curtis’s real mom. Anyways, when she shows up, the score changes from typical Halloween score to the main theme from Psycho…awesome! Then on the other hand, the scene where Michael makes his way into a gated community is ridiculous. He drives a car up to the gate being protected by Mr. Cool J, and then turns off the headlights. Cool J goes to investigate, and sees the driver side door open, with no one inside. While inspecting the vehicle, we see Michael CREEP SIX FUCKING FEET BEHIND LL COOL J TO SNEAK INSIDE. He might as well have done that tip-toe thing that bad guys do in cartoons where they make vulture claw hands in front of them. Fuck. This movie sucked, and was obviously just a paycheck for Jamie Lee Curtis, because who really gives a shit about her?
Wolfman Moon Scale