Scream 4 (2011) [REVIEW]

April 30, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Finally done with the series! Fuck yes! I know that I mentioned a few weeks ago that this was one of the movies I was interested in seeing, but had I not watched the trilogy recently, I probably would have skipped this one. I knew that Kristen Bell would be in it, but I also knew that she got killed the opening, so I had mixed feelings on it. And knowing that this movie was filmed while David Arquette and Courtney Cox were getting divorced made things kind of awkward to watch as well, but I guess I was willing to put up with it, since that girl from Hotel for Dogs was in it. Rampaige claims that Kristen Bell was walking on our street the other day, and as much as I want to believe her, I think it is all just a cruel trick to get me to kill myself. Also, this review will have spoilers abound, since I didn’t leave anything out of my other reviews, so why should this one be any different? Let this be ample warning that I am going to give away the ending, and if you have a problem with that, then stop reading now.

 

The Scream franchise has been known to pull the trick of a movie within a movie within a movie within andfg df OH MY GOD IT’S VERONICA MARS!!!!!

Two girls are being tormented by phone calls, and get murdered. Then the title “Stab 6″ appears on the screen, and we see two new girls watching this movie. Those two girls were Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell, who start arguing about the direction the series is heading and how all this “meta shit” is getting out of hand. Kristen Bell gets pissed and kills Anna Paquin, and then the title for Stab 7 appears on the screen, and we see two new girls watching the TV. Confused yet? Well, I fucking was. These girls get killed as well, and finally the title of “Scream 4″ appears on the screen. I didn’t want to believe it just yet, but, it seemed as though the fucking movie was finally starting. Sidney Prescott is back in Woodsboro to promote her book about her life story, and her agent is played by none other than Community‘s Alison Brie. Deputy Dewey is now the sheriff of Woodsboro, and him and Gale have a quaint, possibly disappointing life. As far as other new characters, there is Dewey’s new deputy, played my Marley Shelton, Sidney’s cousin Jill, Hayden Penetiere plays the horror film loving friend of Jill named Kirby, and the two Jamie Kennedy characters of the horror film loving dorks, played by Erik Knudsen, who was in Scott Pilgrim, and Rory Culkin, whose brother Keiran was also in Scott Pilgrim. Jesus, how many fucking Culkins are there?

 

You know she’s young because of her hip haircut. Ya know, not the fact that she looks like a 12 year old.

After the deaths of the first two girls, the killer seems to split his attention between Sidney and her cousin, as well as her cousin’s friends, among the other high schoolers. There is a marathon of all the Stab movies that Gale tries to plant hidden cameras in, but she gets caught and gets stabbed. I can’t remember when it happened, but Alison Brie got killed too. Womp womp. There was also one of those scenes explaining the rules of horror movies, but this time, rather than saying this is another sequel, redirect the focus of the rules to remakes, despite Scream 4 not being a remake. Either way, people get killed and tortured and yelled at, typical bullshit, and then we find out who the real killers are. Ready? Alright, well, the real killers are the Culkin kid, the reason being that he was trying to remake the original Woodsboro murders but is actually filming all the murders, and also Sidney’s cousin Jill, claiming that the difficulty of growing up in a family with Sidney meant Jill never got any attention. Jill stabs the Culkin so that she will remain the only survivor, and then Jill stabs Sidney, leaving her for dead. There was then a kind of awesome scene where Jill scratches herself, rips out her hair, smashes herself into a picture frame, stabs herself, and throws herself into a glass table, leaving herself for “dead”. She gets taken to the hospital, only to learn that Sidney also survived, and then there is a showdown between Jill, Sidney, Dewey, Gale, and Dewey’s new deputy, that ends with Jill getting her brains electrocuted by one of those doctor electricity machines. THE FUCKING END.

 

HELP, COME QUICK, WE NEED TO CRAM MORE PEOPLE INTO THIS REACTION SHOT!

I walked out of this movie satisfied, as I certainly enjoyed it. Easily the most entertaining of all the sequels, and it almost makes me think the other two sequels were even worse than I initially remembered. I understand that the other two films kind of needed to exist to help build the mythos of the franchise, but they were so terrible in comparison to this one. I almost considered giving this film as high of a rating as the original movie, except for the fact that they wasted FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS TO MAKE THIS MOVIE. Seriously? You waited this long, to a point where virtually nobody cared whether you made another one, to actually make a good one? This one had a much more fitting end to the series than the previous film did, and that was supposed to be the end. I guess that’s what happens when you get Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson involved with the series again.

 

She really just looks like she’s stumbled into the haunted hayride I used to work at circa 2001.

I listed all those new characters earlier in the post because another problem with the whole franchise is that the killer or killers always are people who are brand new to the story, so it makes narrowing down the killers much easier. Someone asked me if I had anticipated it being the people who ultimately did it, and of course I did, because they were both new characters, so I suspected all of them. Granted, I didn’t quite anticipate Sidney’s cousin, but since she was new, I wasn’t too surprised. There were a few scenes and moments that were recreations of scenes from the first film, which were kind of neat, especially when Hayden Penetiere had to answer a bunch of horror movie questions, and when asked something about remakes, went on to list every single horror remake of the past 20 years, and holy shit, there were a lot of them. Also at the marathon of the Stab movies you saw the credits that showed that the original Stab film was directed by Robert Rodriguez, which is twice as funny considering he actually DID direct that footage. Ultimately I’d say this movie was fun and satisfying, but hopefully they don’t accept the positive response to make them think they should make another one.

 

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Hellraiser: Deader (2005) [REVIEW]

April 30, 2011 Leave a comment

 

The seventh movie in the franchise has finally done what no other films in the series had done yet, which is finally cast Kari Wuhrer. Supposedly her character has a name, but that is really not at all important in any way, shape, or form. She plays a reporter sent to investigate some cult where people kill themselves and I guess are being brought back to life somehow. She does some investigating and finds out of this chick who killed herself and she is holding the puzzle box! Oh no, Pinhead is involved! She has strange visions of being stabbed and also manages to find a reason to be topless. Kari does more investigating and apparently is dumb enough to get tricked into thinking she should kill herself, but that’s when Pinhead and his Cenobite pals show up and they are pissed at the cult leader. I guess that because these people are dying, and this cult guy is taking them back, the Cenobites are jealous that they don’t get to torture them or something? Anyways, the Cenobites kill him and threaten to take Ms. Wuhrer, but she instead kills herself, which is the answer to most of life’s problems, and the Cenobites get cranky and leave. Before the credits roll, we see Kari’s boss that gave her the tip on the story in the beginning, and he gives the same exact information to a new lady reporter! And it all starts over again! Noooooo!

 

Poor, poor Kari. If only Jerry O’ Connell were there to save you.

I really just wish this franchise would swing one way or another. These aren’t the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and are generally better than all the other movies in most of those other franchises, but it’s fucking annoying that I don’t really care either way on any of these movies. There is nothing wrong with the concept, or the way any of these movies are shot, or the actors, or the script, because these things are all generally pretty successful and consistent with all the other movies in the franchise. I just want to have some sort of emotional response, whether it be positive or negative. Also, holy shit, I just looked it up and Thursday, April 27th, was Kari Wuhrer’s 43rd birthday. Good for her for still finding reasons to be topless in movies. Although, I guess this movie is seven years old, so she was only 36, but, wow, she’s old.

 

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Super (2010) [REVIEW]

April 27, 2011 5 Comments

 

I didn’t really see any trailers for this movie, so the only reason I knew it existed was because of Rainn Wilson‘s Twitter. Based on the pictures he had posted and after reading a brief synopsis of what this movie was about, I wasn’t really interested….at all. It seemed to be too similar in style to bullshit like Juno and Youth in Revolt, neither of which I liked, and now it was about superheroes and comic books, so I was avoiding it at all costs. Add to that the fact that Ellen Page, Juno herself, was in this movie, there was no way I wouldn’t hate this movie. However, upon further investigation, seeing James Gunn‘s involvement piqued my interest, because he did such an awesome job with the script for Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, how could I not go see this? Well, I did watch the trailer first, and it looked kind of funny, so I went and checked it out.

 

That’s right, beware of that thing that looks like a character from Homestar Runner.

Rainn Wilson plays Frank D’Arbo, a guy who seems to be locked in contempt with his life. In hopes of starting his days off better, he illustrates the two most “perfect” moments of his life, which are when he got married to his wife and when he helped direct police to where a criminal had just run to. Shortly after making these drawings, his wife, played by Liv Tyler, disappears, apparently because she now loves Jacques, played by Kevin Bacon. Clearly Frank was already disturbed and was teetering on the brink of sanity, and this pushes him over the edge. With the desire to take down Jacques, and after having strange visions involving a Christ-like superhero, played by Nathan Fillion, Frank decides to become a superhero named the Crimson Bolt. Not having any superpowers, Frank goes to the local comic book store to do some research on heroes without powers, which is where he meets Libby, played by Ellen Page, who helps guide him in his quest for knowledge. He settles upon a monkey wrench as his weapon of choice, yet the public starts to see him as a menace, rather than a hero, after constantly sending people to the intensive care unit, without anyone claiming he does this for justice. Frank tries to discard the Crimson Bolt and leave that part of him behind, but another vision encourages to get his wife back, and he teams up with Libby, now known as his sidekick “Bolty” to take down Jacques. I’m just going to leave it there, because I’m sure you can find out for yourself what happens after that if you don’t feel like seeing it.

 

As if Hit Girl didn’t make enough people feel awkward with the whole female superhero thing, you guys just had to go and perpetuate the awkwardness? Damn you.

I am so glad that I wasn’t excited for this movie, because going in with these low expectations, combined with having no preconceived notion of what the movie would be like, helped me enjoy it more thoroughly. I expected something similar to Juno, and although there were elements of this movie that were similar, mostly just in the aesthetic feeling of some scenes, it seems as though those scenes were used to juxtapose everything else that happens. Frank was clearly a depressed psychotic who thought he could get away with bashing strangers’ brains open with a monkey wrench, yet he didn’t realize the severity of his actions until some of the final scenes of the movie. In the trailers, the violence is used for a cartoonish and comedic effect which, once again, just kind of contradicted other parts of the movie, but in an enjoyable way. For example, there is a scene where Frank confronts two individuals who cut in line at the movies, and we see Frank try to handle it as Frank, and fail, only to go to his car, change into his Crimson Bolt outfit, and then came back to repeatedly smash a man in the forehead with a monkey wrench, and when his date tries to stop him, he lets her have it as well. I was nervous of Ellen Page’s involvement, but this role was quite different from what I anticipated. She did play the cool, cute “indie” chick, but when you got a glimpse into her psychotic tendencies, all those quirks to her personality made her seem all that much darker. Admittedly not the greatest movie I’ve ever seen, but it was definitely a more realistic, at least mentally and emotionally, interpretation of the concept of why real people don’t ever try to be superheroes. Good luck convincing these people that it’s a bad idea.

 

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Scream 3 (2000) [REVIEW]

April 18, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Here it is, folks, the final installment of the trilogy! This one was a whole three years in the making, instead of, well, one year in the making! I think I mentioned having seen this movie only once, but thinking back on it, I’m pretty sure I saw it twice…in theaters…the same weekend. There wasn’t a lot to do around town, okay?! And would you believe that even after having seen it twice…in theaters…in the same weekend, I still barely remember anything about it? I remember that there was a Creed song on the soundtrack, and I kind of remembered Jenny McCarthy being in it, in addition to Jay and Silent Bob (?), but that’s about it. Well, here we go! The final installment in the franchise that would tie up all loose ends! Let’s get this show on the road! Oh wait, Scream 4 just opened up? Fuck this movie then.

 

Polo shirts were all the rage back in the year 2000, how could I forget?!

This time, within the first ten minutes of the movie, the character that gets killed is Cotton Weary, so you know shit is serious if you’re killing Liev Schreiber. One difference we learn is that the new killer person has a voice changer that can replicate other people’s voices, rather than that one specific voice that we always heard before. Now the only living characters from previous films are Sidney, Dewey, and Gale, and there are murders taking place on the set of Stab 3. There’s also a scene where Jay and Silent Bob are getting a tour of the studio, and it’s completely arbitrary and stupid and annoying. So there’s a bunch of new characters introduced, and once again, we know that some of these characters will die, and that some new characters will be the ones who are the killer(s). This time, along with all of the murders, there are clues being left that tie back into Sidney’s mom, and the fact that there might be some mystery to her life. Turns out that for a few years, she was an actress, but then she left Hollywood and started a family, which resulted in Sidney. People die, things are awkward with Dewey and Gale, there are lots of moments that are self-reflexive (I find myself using that phrase a lot with this movie) and we learn that, yup, you guessed it, a new character is the killer! I guess that Sidney’s mom had a kid while in Hollywood who was abandoned or something, and that child grew up to be, surprise, THE DIRECTOR OF STAB 3! Except he controlled all these details to make it look like Sidney had carried out all the murders, but, well, that doesn’t matter, because she kills him, and then Dewey proposes to Gale, and then the last shot is a big metaphor where she is about to take a moment to close the gate protecting her house, and instead decides to leave it open. Ya know, because it’s the last moment of the trilogy, and now she is strong and powerful. Bullshit.

 

I liked watching the patterns with how akward people’s hair/clothes were through all these movies, and being reminded of what used to be popular. Come on, is Courtney Cox wearing a fucking wig?

This one was kind of just a worse version of the previous installment, and it fucking pisses me off. You have three characters, THREE, that have been in previous films, and you pull the bullshit OH YOU HAD A LONG LOST BROTHER bullshit? Are you fucking kidding me? This franchise was known to generally be pretty smart and witty, and with their “final” installment, we need to believe that a brand new character, that’s a long-lost brother, is the final villain? That’s daytime drama shit right there. Not saying that I have all the answers for this franchise and I know what they should have done, but come the fuck on, that’s bush league. Not to mention the fact that so many people were pissed at Jamie Kennedy‘s character getting killed in the previous movie that they included him in this one in the form of a video confession, giving everyone the rules of the trilogy. One of those rules being “Anyone can die, even the main character”, and guess what, NONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS DIED. How could you set us up like that and not follow through with it, Jamie? You dick. This is still better than some of the other slashers that are out there, but it was a shitty way to “end” a franchise that had started off so strong.

 

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Scream 2 (1997) [REVIEW]

April 18, 2011 Leave a comment

 

This installment is definitely the one I remember the least, and was most looking forward to remembering what it was about. I saw it once in theaters, and I think towards the end of the school year we watched it in one of my bullshit classes, but I didn’t pay attention because I was being too cool and wandering around the school. I did, however, have the soundtrack to this movie, which I think I got for Christmas, and I also got a portable CD player that year for Christmas. The funny thing was that I had unwrapped a portable CD case protector thing before actually opening the CD player, so it was funny. Wait, I’m supposed to talk about a movie or something…

 

It’s Jennifer Love Hewitt, and she’s pissed at you for having a career!

The events of the first film have been turned into a film within a film, called “Stab”. In the opening ten minutes, we see Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett Smith attending the premiere of this movie, only to get killed by someone in costume, without anybody noticing. We then see that Sidney Prescott is now attending college, along with Jamie Kennedy‘s character, and hearing of the murders, Deputy Dewey (David Arquette) investigates Sidney, along with Gale Weathers, which is the name of Courtney Cox‘s character that I didn’t mention in the last review. We also get introduced to a bunch of new characters, believe it or not, because it’s really just those four who return from the first. I guess technically the guy who was falsely accused of killing Sidney’s mother, Cotton Weary, is in this one, and he’s once again played by Liev Schreiber. Someone is starting to recreate murders from the first one, and we don’t know who to blame! Oh no!

 

“No no no, MY facial hair is douchier! How dare you!”

Sarah Michelle Gellar is in this one, which doesn’t really matter because she gets killed early on. One difference in this one is that cell phones, or as the movie calls them, “cellular phones”, are used a little bit more regularly. It’s the same kind of stalker bullshit, and people start dying, like Jamie Kennedy’s character, but not after giving this big long list of rules about sequels…KIND OF LIKE HOW HE GAVE RULES IN THE FIRST ONE! WOW! Anyways, he’s dead, Dewey gets stabbed, but not after having an awkward love/hate relationship with Gale, then there’s a scene where Sidney needs to escape from the back of a cop car by crawling OVER the killer, and doesn’t check who is underneath the mask, like an idiot, and then there’s some big confrontation in a theatre. We find out that there are two killers, once again, and one of them is a creepy guy from a film class. He claims that he will be able to find his way out of it by blaming it on movies and that he won’t be punished for his crimes. However, the financial backer of all of this murder was Skeet Ulrich‘s long-lost mother from the first film, who is the other killer. It doesn’t matter though, because they both get killed, and it turns out Dewey survived another attack, hoo-ray!

 

“Look! Over there! That’s where we can find more clothing and accessories from the mid to late 90′s! And more hair supplies!”

Before I forget, I didn’t at all remember the fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar, Heather Graham, Rebecca Gayheart, and Portia de Rossi were all in this movie, so it was funny to see what they looked like almost 15 years ago. This installment wasn’t too bad, except it got WAY too self-reflexive with the movie within a movie shit. It was so fucking confusing and weird. There were scenes from the first film that were recreated with different actors, such as Tori Spelling playing Sidney and Luke Wilson playing Skeet Ulrich’s character, and I got so fucking confused when I hadn’t paid attention for two minutes to figure out what was going on. Other than that, it is about as entertaining as the first, maybe just a little bit less. It’s kind of frustrating because they introduce new characters, and you immediately know that some of them were introduced just to be victims, and others were introduced to be the killers. Maybe they shot themselves in the foot by only having four characters live to be in the sequel, but still, it was easy to just look at the characters and know they were going to be creeps, or they were going to die, or both.

 

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Hold on, let me just talk a bunch of shit for a second…

April 17, 2011 11 Comments

Oh, and it’s going to be about basically the entire internet. I’m not really sure what specific thing caused me to want to write this shit down, but I figured since everyone reading this site probably enjoys how much rage I am filled with, you might enjoy this. Mainly I want to talk about people who use Facebook, Tumblr, Yelp, and YouTube. I was trying to figure out the type of person I hate the most, and I couldn’t really decide one specific group to hate the most, so I’m looking to you guys for answers!



Facebook - I would say that out of all the websites people use, this one is the most easily defended, simply by saying that everyone’s on it. Since when does something being popular mean it’s good? I mean, Nickelback is popular, and, well, do I really need to finish that analogy? I mean, I understand why this website is so helpful, which is that it is easy to communicate with large groups of people quickly and efficiently and share photos and information with them. You might have noticed that I say lots of crazy shit on the internet, and it’s all been using a pseudonym, because sadly, The Wolfman is not my real name. Do you really think I want this shit traced back to my real name? Do you really think I want my coworkers to easily be able to find the crazy shit I say on the internet? Do you know how much time Rampaige spends just Googling people’s names to lurk as much about their lives as possible, and then tries to share that information with me, like I give a shit? I’ve been able to avoid all of this awkwardness by not being on Facebook, and despite the fact that it would bring more traffic to this site, plan on avoiding it like the plague. Call me old fashioned, but anyone who I have found worth communicating with, I have gotten their phone number or email, and continue to interact with them in those ways. Yes, there are lots of people who I used to be friends with through social networking websites, and the fact that I lost all those “friends” is totally fine by me.



Tumblr – Before you guys do some internet sleuthing, yes, I do own the domain thewolfmancometh.tumblr.com, and if I knew how to use Tumblr, I might actually utilize the functionality of it. From what I hear, the reason why so many people use this service is because of how much you can customize it, and it’s quite a powerful blogging tool. Specifically, I would like to mention that Lazer, whose Tumblr can be found at www.natefernald.tumblr.com, is one of the main advocates of this blogging service. He makes up about 1% of the people using Tumblr, the percent that customizes the shit out of it to the point that you don’t even realize you’re looking at someone’s Tumblr. The rest of the people using Tumblr use it for the following purposes: LOLcats, animated GIFs, shitty “photography”, using Hipstamatic/Instagram to post pictures from their phone, animated GIFs from porn, responding to pointless questions being asked by pointless other Tumblr users, pictures of things with a high contrast/saturation ratio, stills from movies with the subtitles, other pictures involving some sort of cryptic text, photos including quotes from Ayn Rand/Charles Bukowski/some other author that people love to love without necessarily reading, or the most common post on Tumblr, REBLOGGING THIS SAME POINTLESS BULLSHIT FROM SOMEONE ELSE’S SHITTY TUMBLR THAT YOU SAW. Honestly, that’s what gets me. It’s not necessarily how shitty and pointless everyone’s posts are, but the fact that other people see it and regurgitate it onto their own shitty Tumblr. Unfortunately no matter how hard I mash the keys on this keyboards, I can’t quite convey the rage I feel about these stupid fucks that think they are contributing anything to anyone anywhere. Granted, I know that there are thousands of other review blogs that talk about the same exact shit I type about, so I know I’m not original, but at least I am actually writing the content that appears here and seldom just post random pictures. Oh shit! I forgot another blog that I like, which is www.agentmlovestacos.tumblr.com, which is run by Agent M from Marvel, and the content he usually publishes is either really cool stuff or original.



Yelp – I have used Yelp quite often to try and find new restaurants or decide which one to go to, and it has generally been pretty helpful. However, the amount of pretentiousness and level of entitlement and superiority of the people who spew their bullshit on there is just so fucking overwhelming. I feel like the people who write reviews on Yelp are people are totally “over” Tumblr because it sold out and is too commercialized. This site is filled with people who really shouldn’t be allowed to leave their fucking houses because the air might not be fresh enough for their liking or the pavement might be a little too rigid for their feet. I think a lot of people are guilty of checking their own place of business on Yelp and seeing what people have to say, and of course, I have, and that’s where most of this hatred comes from. I work in a place that has close to 2 million visitors per year, and I see day after day people posting on Yelp “I mean seriously, why was the line so long?! WTF?!”, and then leaving 2 stars because of this. Are you fucking kidding me? Also, people who complain about prices, without realizing you could have looked up prices for any establishment ahead of time and determine whether or not it’s worth your time. Goddammit, just now trying to look at examples of things that I had, I am faced with misspellings, grammatical errors, and FACTUAL ERRORS, claiming things that don’t exist, exist, and it’s pissing me off. Another problem is the fact that you can only comment on people’s reviews in a positive way, you can’t talk shit on them in hopes of taking them down a notch.



YouTube – If Yelp is full of illiterate, overzealous wannabe professional reviewers, these are the retarded younger siblings of those people, who don’t know how to actually fill out the registration forms on those other sites and are limited to YouTube comments. The good thing about this site is, well, who the fuck reads the comments? Luckily, all comments are underneath the videos, so as long as you only scroll down enough to see the videos, you can avoid the comments entirely. However, through this website and my need to find the code to embed trailers, I sometimes accidentally scroll down too far and see just how stupid the people who comment on YouTube videos are. For example, when I recently reviewed Rubber, about a killer tire, I noticed a comment that someone had left for the trailer. I should mention that a new feature on YouTube comments is that you can give people a thumbs up or thumbs down if you agree with those comments, and comments that gets lots of thumbs up will be bumped closer to the top. I scrolled down past the Rubber trailer, accidentally, and I saw one of the most thumbs upped comments…..”condom.” THAT WAS THE FUCKING COMMENT…SOMEONE JUST TYPED THE WORD CONDOM, WITH A PERIOD, AND A SHITLOAD OF PEOPLE GAVE IT THUMBS UP…BECAUSE THEY AGREED WITH WHAT THIS PERSON WAS SAYING. Fucking kill me now, we’re all doomed.



I was hoping that typing this all out would make me feel better, but I think it made me more angry. If anyone has any counterarguments for anything I have to say, feel free to voice your opinions, because I’m all for it. Oh yeah, and I do have Twitter, which people will argue is extremely pointless, and they’re correct. The biggest issue with Twitter his that you can’t really put that much information, so you are limited in getting information across in only 140 characters. You can’t have a bunch of photos, you can’t have your likes and dislikes, it is absent of what makes all other websites so popular, and that’s why I enjoy Twitter so much. It’s superficial and kills time, and the world wouldn’t be a worse place if all the Twitter supercomputers exploded and no one could have it anymore.

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It’s that time of the week!

April 17, 2011 2 Comments

As I’m writing this, today is officially my busiest day on the blog! Mostly thanks to Insidious, I’d say, or maybe just thanks to people Googling thinks like “Insidious demon red face”. What can I say, I know how to tag shit that people are probably searching for. I’d also like to mention that Rampaige found a horror anthology on Netflix that was apparently on NBC two years ago called “Fear Itself” that I’m excited to finish watching. Also, Rampaige and I just finished watching a documentary called “I Think We’re Alone Now”, which I would review, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d be nervous of the people from the movie sucking my soul out through the computer. It was about two people, one 50 year old with aspergers who was arrested for stalking her a few times, and another person who considers themselves instersex who has only been able to find comfort in the music of Tiffany. Fucking terrifying, on multiple levels. Anyways, on to the funny search terms!

  • julia louis dreyfus boobs – Is that you, George Costanza?!
  • oh …i always thought it was just an allegory – Wrong, it’s a metaphor.
  • jacks beard lost – I think I’m guilty of Googling this a few times as well.
  • butthole in french – This should be in any French to English dictionary.
  • blowjob knee pads
  • witch bitch shadow
  • you fucking night mare – Night mare? Like a horse of the night?
  • image of most furious scene in the unborn – How does one judge which one is the most furious?!
  • sloppy freakshow babies
  • abs are more important than boobs – I guess this was typed in when people were Googling shit on opposite day.
  • tentacle breast
  • babes tentacles
  • wonder woman fucking power girl
  • tmnt bondage
  • dead douchebag
  • the unborn ass
  • nazi zombies strippers ninja – Three of these things are cool, one is not…you be the judge!
  • chick boobs
  • creep boner
  • a midget inside a toilet
  • chick with huge boobs driving car
  • really huge boobs – This week has been pretty boob heavy, but I never get sick of the adjectives used in conjunction with boobs.
  • myvagina20 tumblr – I Googled this myself and the only thing that came up was one result, which was my website. Now that I’m typing this, there will be two results. I feel like there’s a conspiracy going on here.
  • movie about these people in a town and if they go into the fog something will kill them at the end they all die but the dad – I had no idea that any search box could fit this whole search query.
  • the big bang theory sucks
  • if michael myers only comes out on halloween, what does he do the other 364 days of the year? – I ALSO WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER!
  • tmnt gay porn
  • naked pics of casper van dien
  • kicked in the vagina marvel comics

Well, that about does it for this week, I’ll see ya next week everybody! Or, if you check the site before next week, I’ll see you before then. Or if you’re Rampaige, I’ll see you in Hell! Hahaha!

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Scream (1996) [REVIEW]

April 17, 2011 4 Comments

 

I briefly contemplated including this film in my horror movie franchise review, but seeing as there are only three films, I guess now four, I didn’t really think it was worth it. However, considering the new one was just released, and this first film is the only one I’ve seen more than once, I figured I should remind myself if this series was any good or not. I think this might have been the first R rated movie I saw in theaters, and I thought I was really cool. Well, I mean, I still think I’m really cool, just now for different reasons. I also think that I liked this movie so much that I tried writing my own sequel to it, and maybe wrote one full page. It was mostly just a scene of someone making themselves lunch for the next day in their kitchen at night, sneezing, and someone else saying “bless you”. Would you believe that the reason I thought that was scary was because I was always afraid of that happening when I was making my lunch for school the next day? What are the odds!

 

Almost positive that I had this picture clipped out of a magazine taped up on my wall in my room when this movie came out. I was so cool!

Drew Barrymore gets a phone call that sounds like the wrong number, until the voice becomes more and more threatening, and uses personal information until she realizes it’s someone who knows about her. She sees her boyfriend tied down outside, and if she answers horror movie trivia correctly, he will be spared, but sadly, she fucks up and he gets killed. Then the killer gets into the house and kills her too. The rest of the town is shocked with these murders, especially Sidney Prescott, played by Neve Campbell, because this murder is about a year after her mom was brutally murdered. The calls start focusing on Sidney, who narrowly escapes the killer not only at home, but also at school. The school principal closes school temporarily until the police can figure out what’s going on, and then he gets killed. Matthew Lillard‘s character has a huge party and a bunch of people show up, including students, the local deputy detective Dewey, played by David Arquette, and a trashy news reporter played by Courtney Cox. The teens get more and more drunk, and people start getting killed. First is Matthew Lillard’s big breasted girlfriend, played by Rose McGowan. Next is the cameraman for Courtney Cox, then Sidney’s boyfriend, played by Skeet Ulrich, gets attacked, and then we see Jamie Kennedy‘s character get attacked, not to mention Deputy Dewey, and, well, I think that’s it. Sidney sees that her boyfriend is still alive, and rather than being relieved, it turns out that he, along with Matthew Lillard, were the ones responsible for the murders. Skeet claims that Sidney’s mom was a whore who caused his parents to break up, and Matthew Lillard was just a psycho in general, so they planned all of these details of how to get away. There are a few snags in their plan, they end up dead, and Sidney, Dewey, Courtney Cox and Jamie Kennedy all survive to make a sequel! Hoo-ray!

 

Well yes, I did buy this costume from Spencer Gifts when this movie came out. Who didn’t have one!?

I remember thinking how scary this movie was when it came out, and it’s still a pretty decent slasher film, I just never quite realized how funny it was. Not necessarily laugh out loud funny, more so that it was quite self-aware, coming from Wes Craven, and there were quite a few moments where the dialogue caused moments that seemed to force the actors to look at the camera and wink. For example, Rose McGowan is trying to calm down Sidney because she is “starting to sound like a Wes Carpenter” flick….WINK! See what she did? She combined Wes Craven with John Carpenter, two huge names in the horror movie industry. Or when the principal, played by Henry Winkler, startles the school janitor, dressed in a fedora and a green and red striped sweater and calls him Freddy…WINK! Get it? Because Freddy Krueger was a janitor? Oh, and Linda Blair was in this as a reporter, so there’s that. I would say one of the things that stops it from getting a better rating is that there are too many of those references, and you forget whether you are watching a scary movie or watching a Scary Movie, which was intended to make lots of horror movie references and mock them. What works about this movie is how self-aware it is, and how it states typical scenarios and rules you can follow, and then makes sure to do things in a different way. If this was toned down a little bit, it might have been a little more successful as a horror movie, because we get it, you know you’re a horror movie, and there are lots of repetitive things that happen in all horror movies.

 

Yuck. People looked like shit in the 90′s.

I would say this movie is responsible for a huge surge of movies made in the late 90′s that all thought they were really clever and all had to do with teenagers. This isn’t to say that there weren’t scary movies before this that focused on teens, but based on the success of this, everyone thought it was box office magic, and caused shit like I Know What You Did Last Summer, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, and lots of shit involving 20 something actors from TV shows where they played teenagers. Most of them were shitty and terrible, but at least it reminded producers that horror movies could be both financially successful and relatively successful with critics. Seeing Wes Craven return to a genre that he really helped create with A Nightmare on Elm Street 15 years earlier was met with an overwhelming reaction to see more smart horror, rather than the typical girl showing her boobs, then getting murdered. Which reminds me, there aren’t any boobs in this! How strange is it that a horror movie from the 90′s had no nudity in it, and even includes dialogue about how a big breasted girl always takes her shirt off in scary movies? And by the way, Rose McGowan was still a babe in this movie. I guess they decided that any time a different movie would have had a topless girl, this movie chose to play Nick Cave’s “Red Right Hand” instead. Fine with me, Nick Cave is awesome. Also, Matthew Lillard makes sure to show everyone how long his tongue is, multiple times, just in case you were wondering.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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Filed under 4 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002) [REVIEW]

April 16, 2011 Leave a comment

 

This one has a character that was in the first three movies! Whoa! And she is married to a character played by Dean Winters, also known as Ryan O’ Riely from Oz as well as the Beeper King from 30 Rock is in this one, and we see him and his wife get into a car accident. He wakes up in a hospital and his wife is missing, and neither the authorities nor the hospital knows where she is. Now that she is gone, people who Dean works with are acting all strange, from some dude acting all shifty to his boss lady getting all sexy with him. He suffers from migraines and is having hallucinations, and basically has no fucking idea what’s going on. As more and more details emerge, it turns out that there was a plan with a few conspirators for Dean Winters’s character to kill his wife, and multiple people were going to split the inheritance. But then there are also flashbacks involving Dean Winters buying the magic puzzle box and giving it to his wife, and things get kind of confusing. I guess the reality of the situation is that his wife opened the puzzle box and unleashed Pinhead, and Pinhead was willing to exchange the wife’s soul if she provided him with five other souls, which were the other conspirators in her murder plot. Turns out that Dean is actually dead, and the weird hallucinations he has been having relate to what was actually happening to his body, and he’s dead, and is being tormented or something, and his wife is the one alive, safe from Pinhead.

 

Can you reach your beeper? I bet you wish your retarded brother Cyril?  Playing with the Rat King?

Remember the Hellraiser I reviewed before this one? Well, this one is basically the same. Except remember how with the previous one I said it was refreshing to see that style of a Hellraiser movie? Yeah, well, this one doesn’t work as well, probably because it’s such a similar concept. The previous one was about a homicide and a guy trying to get to the bottom of it, and this one is slightly different, but basically the same.The whole having a hallucinations thing and weird flashbacks and not knowing what is real and what is made up is basically the same, and you knew that something fishy was going on and the puzzle box was to blame. This one had less interesting imagery than the previous one, and less demons, but it had more Dean Winters, and Dean Winters is awesome.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

YOUTUBE IS BEING A DUMB COCKSUCKER AND NOT LETTING ME EMBED THE VIDEO. JUST GOOGLE IT IF YOU WANT TO SO BADLY.
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LIVE TWEETING EVENT (?)

April 13, 2011 5 Comments

This is an idea I’ve thought of before, and I mentioned it to JD and he seemed to actually encourage this behavior. The idea came up when I said the only way I would see Sucker Punch is if I could tweet the whole time, because I didn’t think all of my hatred could be accurately conveyed through a review. My question to you, dear readers, is whether or not you would be interested in something like this, or if you would prefer just sticking with the reviews? Should I tweet-review good movies or bad movies? Movies I’ve seen or never seen? How many people would get pissed at me for producing even more asinine material at 140 character intervals? I need your input, so leave it in the comments ya douche bags!

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