Hanna (2011) [REVIEW]

May 31, 2011 3 Comments

 

I was a little nervous about paying money to go see this movie, thinking that people might look down on me. I mean, forget about everything you read about in the tabloids and all that controversy and bullshit, and I think the actress is extremely talented. Some might say “gifted”. Luckily, I was able to convince JD to come with me, which I thought was only because it was $4, but it turns out he also wanted to see it. What are the odds?! Another adult male interested in going to see this movie! Once the movie started, I realized it was NOT the Hannah Montana movie. Dammit.

 

So THIS is what Anne Heche has been doing!

 

We first see Hanna, played by Saoirse Ronan, stalking a caribou or something in the arctic tundra, shoot it, then get attacked by Eric Bana, who plays he father. These two have been living in the woods for quite some time, and Hanna wants to go to civilization. He brings in a transmitter thing and tells her that when she wants to leave, just to hit the switch. When she does, some sort of government strike force team apprehends her and takes her into custody. Once in custody, Hanna attacks everyone and escapes, which starts lots of chasing and running and people being beat up. Hanna is trying to meet up with her father at the set rendezvous point, which is also where her father is trying to get to, and Cate Blanchett’s character is trying to intercept them. Through all of this chasing, we learn that Eric Bana isn’t really her birth father, and that Hanna was genetically altered to be stronger and faster than other humans, also to be devoid of fear and pity. Hanna learns this and obviously becomes pissed at her “dad”, but it’s okay because one of Cate Blanchett’s henchmen stops him and gets him killed. Hanna gets back to the rendezvous point followed shortly by Cate Blanchett, and they have a showdown that results in Hanna being shot with a gun and Blanchett being shot by an arrow. The arrow beats the gun, Hanna gets the gun, shoots her in the head, and then the title of the movie pops up onscreen, letting us know the movie’s over.

 

Blanchett in this movie was somehow equal parts Dana Scully and Jodie Foster from “Silence of the Lambs”

 

In retrospect, I guess I left out the whole “coming of age” storyline that took place for a long period of time in the middle. So, let me say right now, there’s a big coming of age segment in the middle where Hanna meets a family and a girl her age and learns about friendship. I guess I didn’t include it because there didn’t end up being any sort of twist involving those characters as other movies might have done. Multiple times int he movie I was trying to figure out what influences the filmmakers had during production, just couldn’t quite put my finger on it. There were segments that reminded me of videogames, yet I feel as though it would cheapen the experience of this movie by saying it was “like a videogame”. There were scenes that were quite surreal, as well as shots and scenes that I can only describe as “hyper-real”, whatever that might mean. This hyper-realism was demonstrated in the way the movie looked and the way shots were constructed, and the surrealism came from the music in the movie. There were times where you couldn’t discern whether the music you were hearing was taking place in the movie, or if it was just the soundtrack, because of how effectively music was used.

 

Eric Bana was pretty badass in this movie, I just kept looking forward to seeing him fighting everyone. Maybe I just couldn’t wait to see that strong jawline and all of his muscles rippling and….uhhh…I mean he was cool.

 

Both in the context of the movie and the subtext, there were a lot of references to fairy tales, and I feel as though I were familiar with more of those stories, I’d be able to draw more direct comparisons. Early in the story, Hanna is seen to have kept a photo of her mother in a worn copy of “Grimm’s Fairy Tales”, which seemed to foreshadow the tone of the rest of the film. Multiple times throughout the film, Cate Blanchett’s character is referred to as a “witch”, and when Hanna and her father are supposed to rendezvous, they do so at an abandoned theme park that was styled after fairy tales. I can’t remember the name of the song, but when one of the characters put on a record with a piece of classical music that is almost cliché in its use of bringing tense situations, the music crescendos just as the “witch” arrives to confront Hanna. As well as a scene where Hanna is checking to see if the witch is outside, and when she draws back the curtain, she only sees the eye of the witch looking directly at her from behind a piece of shattered glass. This movie wasn’t your typical action film, based on its characters as well as the overall tone of the film, yet wasn’t quite unique enough to leave a memorable impression on its viewers.


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YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 30, 2011 4 Comments

Sorry guys, but this had me laughing my balls off when I saw it, and I want all of you to see it. Skip ahead to 2:40, and listen to what Banshee has to say about saving Professor X from drowning.

 

 

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Search Party Sunday – Volume 10

May 29, 2011 Leave a comment

Not just Sunday, but the Sunday of memorial Day weekend, no less! It has dawned on me somewhat recently the fact that I have never had holiday weekends off. I have always either been working at a movie theater, which are open every day, regardless of holidays, or have been working at the aquarium, which has similar operating hours. I never have gotten the chance to enjoy the “time off” and “festivities” that supposedly take place. That’s why I made it a point to force Rampaige to cook hot dogs and hamburgers and beans with me last night. And yes, Rampaige, beans are good, because I like how the sauce tastes.

 

  • pooping kid
  • demon fucking a human bitch – She might be a bitch, but at least she isn’t a demon!
  • girl who gets raped and then kills movie – I’m not trying to condone rape or anything, but that’s no reason to go out there and kill a movie.
  • mexican comic toilet vomiting
  • ben templesmith autograph – Why yes, I DID get his autgraph! It was right after I tried to ask him for his soiled underwear, remember?
  • best tentacle movie – How can you pick just one?!
  • girl rape and left for dead killer her raper movie – I wish it was just “killer her raper” because that’s the best part.
  • america fuck rape the gir; – There’s nothing American about fuck rape the gir;!
  • batman being raped – Quite a rapey week!
  • hot naked babes fucking each other
  • i like pizza multiplicity
  • wolfman huge boob – I don’t know if I’d say they were “huge”…
  • badass in wicker chair – When has anyone ever looked badass in a wicker chair?
  • open pooping
  • punching him in the dick

 

I have just now realized that I can no longer access the CRAZY shit that people have searched for just one time. I guess there is just too much traffic coming in that it only shows me the more commonly searched for phrases. FUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I’m going to have to start saving my favorite search terms EVERY day?! This is bullshit. As far as today goes:

 

  • money exchange at gas station
  • gay johnny storm
  • giantboobs – NO TIME FOR SPACEBARS!
  • the internet is a bunch of shit! – I agree!
  • superboobs
  • my boyfriends sister got murdered now he’s fucked up – I mean, that sucks and all, but, hahaha.
  • film where a woman gets raped in america by a group of men and a sheriff and gets revenge – A woman…getting raped…in America?! DOES OBAMA KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

There’s some more silly ones for you, hope it was worth my time!

 

 

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Twister (1996) [REVIEW]

May 28, 2011 6 Comments

 

I know you’re thinking that this is my asshole way of mocking everyone who lost their houses in the recent tornadoes, and you’d be wrong. Granted, I was inspired to watch it because of shitty weather the other day, which somewhat coincided with all the storms in the Midwest, but that’s different. The reason that I did watch this movie is because of how FUCKING AWESOME IT IS. I don’t think I realized until two years ago, when I bought it on DVD for $5, just how entertaining it is. I remember seeing trailers for it and being super excited for it, and when I saw it in theaters, it was just a perfect mindless summer blockbuster. So let’s talk about it!

 

As shitty as this movie is, the special effects were actually pretty awesome

 

We start off immediately with shitty whether, and we see a father, mother, and little girl seeking refuge from a terrible storm in a storm shelter, only to see the father get sucked up into oblivion for trying to protect his family. Once the door blows away, however, we see the mother and daughter standing there like it’s not even that big of a deal. Moral of the story? The father could have, ya know, not get sucked up into the sky, and everyone would have been fine. We then cut to “present day” and we see Bill Paxton driving with Jami Gertz to get divorce papers signed by Helen Hunt. While tracking down Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton, whose character’s name is Bill, probably so Bill Paxton didn’t get confused, we also meet the rag-tag group of storm chasers that used to be the old team. This team is comprised of people like Alan Ruck, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and even Jeremy Davies, aka Daniel Faraday from lost. Why wouldn’t you want to spend some time with these guys?! When Helen Hunt, whose character’s name is Jo, mentions they finally built a machine that Bill designed, he decides to stick around and see it’s successful launch.

 

“JO! WE’VE GOT JUMPERS AND SISTERS AND SIDEWINDERS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?!”

 

In case you thought it was easy to just launch some big tornado machine into a tornado, you’d be wrong…DEAD WRONG. Not only does the team have to find the tornadoes, but they also have to compete with another team of storm chasers, lead by former teammate Cary Elwes. Think of that other group as one of the bad guys hockey teams from the Mighty Ducks movies.  I guess the biggest driving plot point is the awkward sexual tension between Jo and Bill, and their desire and difficulty to get their device to get sucked up into the tornadoes. Jamie Gertz decides to leave the engagement she has with Bill, Bill falls back in love with Jo, and they are eventually successful in getting a tornado to suck up this device, and then you can hear Van Halen being played over the credits.

 

I can’t believe you forgot that during the trailer, the guy who runs up and yells “THEY’RE COMING!” was Philip Seymour Hoffman. You idiot.

 

I can admit that this movie isn’t at all “good” in the traditional sense, but goddammit if it isn’t entertaining as shit. I don’t really even know where to start with how funny everything in this movie is, and how you can’t help but laugh at how serious everyone took it. After all, it was directed by Jan de Bont from “Speed” fame. Maybe he thought something like “What if we have fast-moving things come to the characters, rather than the characters stuck on a fast-moving thing!?” Brilliant. Have I mentioned that Bill Paxton plays a guy named Bill? And that Bill’s nickname in the movie is “The Extreme”, because of how extreme he was at chasing tornadoes? That’s so awesome.

 

IT’S SIDEWINDING RIGHT FOR US AGGGH BLARKNHKJ!!!!!!

 

You know who didn’t know anything about tornadoes before this movie? Me. You know who else? Everyone. Some of my favorite scenes were when the characters had to set up the terminology that was being used, including some sort of system involving the letter “F”. Essentially, an F1 is a wimpy tornado, and an F5 is the most powerful, with one guy calling it a “defender of God”. When Jami Gertz asks if anyone’s ever seen an F5, everyone gets quiet and looks upstairs, because that’s where Jo is and that’s what killed her Dad. NOOOOO!!!!!!! Or the scene where everyone is chasing a tornado, then it starts to move in a slightly different direction, and Bill says something along the lines of “UH OH, WE GOT A SIDEWINDER”, and we can deduce that that’s what everyone calls a tornado that moves in a slightly different direction. Or maybe when they are tracking a tornado, and then instead of one big one, it becomes two little ones, and Bill says something along the lines of “UH OH, WE GOT SISTERS”, and we can deduce that that’s what everyone calls a tornado that turns from one big one into two little ones. What about the scene where a tornado touches down briefly, only to get sucked back up into the sky and everyone anticipates it touching down again somewhere? Yeah, they got a term for that, because Bill yells something along the lines of “UH OH, WE GOT A JUMPER”. If you’re looking for a bit of nostalgia of an oft-forgotten action movie from the mid 90′s, go out and watch this movie immediately, because it’s hilariously bad, yet entertaining.

 

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Can DC beat Marvel?

May 27, 2011 5 Comments

Nope. Well maybe that’s not fair to completely discredit DC and everything they’ve done, but things aren’t looking too good. I recently read in the back of a DC comic that Dan DiDio, Co-Publisher of DC Comics, claimed he would bring DC to the top and be the number one publisher. This stuck out to me, because he didn’t say “best” publisher, because that’s subjective, but he said “number one”, which is a lot more subjective, depending on which aspect you’re looking at. However, DC is pretty awesome, and despite not really being number one, in quite a few ways, I figured I’d take this opportunity to compare the two in the various realms in which they compete with Marvel.

Comics

This is what these two companies are about, so it’s important to look at the numbers and see who is winning. As far as units sold, Marvel is typically a big chunk ahead of DC, month after month. However, as far as quality goes, it’s really up to who is reading the books. What I’ve always said about DC is that they have a smaller roster of substantial characters than Marvel has, but the amount of titles you can milk out of those characters is a lot more than with Marvel. For example, one the strongest characters from DC would be Batman, who currently has over a half dozen titles that focus on him. Compared to a character like Iron Man or Spider-Man, who only have a couple of titles with their names on it, yet make appearances in quite a few other books. Marvel’s advantage is the amount of characters that they can pull from, and whenever you need a new team, just put a bunch of characters together, use the word “Avengers”, and you’ve got yourself a few years worth of stories. However, DC has recently started a campaign about “holding the line at $2.99″, or in other words, they aren’t increasing the prices of any of their comics, compared to Marvel, who sells books anywhere between $2.99 and $4.99. The price difference doesn’t mean much to me, because I’m still going to buy this stuff, no matter what it costs. Also, the price on the cover doesn’t necessarily reflect the quality of the work inside the pages, and I’d rather pay more knowing I’ll enjoy it more, despite that not always being the case. Another issue I typically have with DC is the way their major events and crossovers are handled. With most Marvel events, to get every issue of everything involved with that event, you are looking at buying dozens of books. However, if you only like one character in that event, you can read their title and learn what their role was in that event, for the most part. Even though DC doesn’t necessarily have more tie-in issues for their events, they seem to link the storyline to other books too regularly. For example, if I am only reading “Batman”, I don’t want to get to the back and read “Read the conclusion in next month’s Batman Detective Comics!” Not a major issue, and I’m sure some people will defend that format of storytelling, but it’s just kind of annoying to me.

Advantage: Marvel


Movies

It’s going to end up being the same result here as with the comics themselves, in that there is a larger pool of entertaining characters with Marvel than with DC. Nobody can argue the fact that the original Superman movie series, the Tim Burton directed Batman movies, and most recently “The Dark Knight” were some of the best movies that were released in the times they came out, let alone the fact that they were movies based on comics. Then again, out of those 11 movies, they were about two different DC characters. Conversely, since the release of “Blade” in 1998, Marvel has released 22 movie theatrically, with another two coming out in the next few months. They didn’t necessarily all do that well, some of them were just terrible, but these generally aren’t considered losses for the company. For every “Elektra”, you have two good Spider-Man movies. For every “Ghost Rider”, you have two good X-Men movies. I don’t think there has been a single Marvel film that has been as critically or financially successful as “The Dark Knight”, but they continue to produce quality films every year, sometimes even twice a year.

Advantage: Marvel


Television

Let me just clarify that my use of the word “television” should define weekly, live-action series, their success, and longevity. I think once again, we can refer to DC and the depth of their characters for being able to make multiple installments into the continuity of one television universe. In the 50′s, there were Superman TV shows, in the 60′s, there was the campy Adam West Batman series, the 70′s had Wonder Woman, the 90′s had Lois & Clark, and only recently did Smallville have its series finale after ten seasons. DC characters have spanned multiple decades and had quite a few of years of successful franchises. Compare that to Marvel, who has attempted this format, yet really only found success with one, which was an Incredible Hulk series in the late 70′s. I’m sure they will be attempting more in the future, but as of right now, they haven’t found their stride.

Advantage: DC


Cartoons

Whether it be Saturday mornings or weekday afternoons, these cartoons are the ones that are syndicated and play on multiple channels frequently, and are shown for quite a few years after no more new episodes were being created. In recent memory, both Marvel and DC had success with critics and fans with “X-men: The Animated Series” and “Batman: The Animated Series”. I’m gonna say these two cancel each other out, just to make things easier. There haven’t been too many long running series, or at least, series that last more than two or three years, but it once again comes down to quantity over quality. Since these cartoons are generally geared towards a younger audience, it’s hard to accurate judge how good the cartoon is, based on faithfulness to comics, writing, and animation style. When it comes to quantity, we are going to have to once again hand this one to Marvel and their rate of production.

Advantage: Marvel


Home Video

The term “home video” seems a little antiquated, but I am referring to the movies that are produced by these companies that go straight to DVD or Blu Ray and are typically at least 60 minutes each. it seems as though Marvel tried to set the bar by starting things off a little earlier with an animated adaptation of The Ultimates with the movie “Ultimate Avengers” back in 2006. They generally release one or two a year, but they are fair, at best. I haven’t seen all of them, but I’ve seen a fair amount, and I’d say the only one I’ve seen that holds up to repeat viewings would be “Hulk Vs.”, but that’s it. DC had a few back in the 90′s, and then didn’t really start up again until “Superman: Doomsday” in 2007, and every release since that has been quite entertaining. One standout was “Batman: Gotham Knight”, not only because of the animation styles, the writing of the stories, or the mature subject matter, but also because it filled in gaps between the Batman begins movie and the events in The Dark Knight. It was a great link for fans and novices alike who were pumped to see Batman beating up bad guys.

Advantage: DC


Toys

I’m not talking about special edition figurines that are sculpted out of marble and placed on a shelf after being purchased for hundreds of dollars, I’m talking about toys, the things you see at Toys R’ Us or Target. Yes, I am a grown up who frequently checks the toy aisle at Target and drags Rampaige along to Toys R’ Us, and it’s evident that DC needs some new toys. The toys themselves are a weird size and look awkward, and I wouldn’t really want anyone to look at them on my shelf. I really do want to buy more DC toys, but it’s hard to find anything worth purchasing. Marvel, on the other hand, is constantly rolling out new toys with new colors and new packaging and variant costumes. They give you a reason to want to buy them, because they just look so fucking cool. The Marvel Select figures come with sturdy bases and the packaging art looks awesome, and the Marvel Legends figures are released in series, and each toy in that series comes with one part of a larger figure, so if you buy the whole series, you get a bonus large figure. Another advantage might also be that with more movies and cartoons coming out, Marvel can make more toys related to that, but they are still in the lead. However, I must admit that compared to Thor and Captain America toys versus the Green Lantern toys I saw, the Green Lantern ones were a lot cooler.

Advantage: Marvel


Kids

This one is a little bit harder to quantify, trying to figure out which characters kids like more. Working in a public place where I see thousands of people every single day, there’s one thing I know for certain…KIDS WEAR MARVEL SHIT. Whether it be shirts, shoes, backpacks, lunchbags, water bottles, whatever it is, I see plenty more Marvel. I think there are a couple of reasons why, one of them being the subject matter of their characters. Plenty of kids like Batman, but after seeing a movie like “The Dark Knight”, most parents don’t run out and throw their 5-year-old in a shirt with the Joker on it. Older audiences wear these things, but as far as little kids, it seems as though parents are a lot more willing to toss their kid in a Spider-Man shirt, because he is a high school kid, or Iron Man shoes, despite the fact that he is an alcoholic. Big surprise that the company who is now owned by Disney has a lot more kid-friendly products. I also think another factor in this is just the licensing rights, and with Marvel overseeing the production of more of their movies, TV shows and cartoons, that shit can just get pumped out nonstop without being slowed down with paperwork. Even though I don’t have any statistics to back it up, it appears that kids support Marvel more than DC.

Advantage: Marvel


Videogames

I have played my fair share of comic book based videogames, however, it’s mostly just shitty sidescrolling games where all I am expected to do is mash buttons and kill things. I do own Arkham Asylum, which was extremely successful and has a sequel coming out, but I haven’t beaten it yet. I also own Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, and quite enjoy it, but it’s basically an updated button masher. I think both publishers have success and failures in this area and it might be too close to call. In case you would like to chime in with your opinion on that, you can check the list of Marvel related videogames here and DC related videogames here.

Advantage: Draw

It’s like picking out which one is funnier!


There you have it, the official score is Marvel – 5 and DC – 2. Granted, these are just my interpretations of these two publishing companies, and I wouldn’t have felt it necessary to compare the two, being two completely different companies that just happen to have similar goals, but that’s Dan Didio’s fault for claiming they were going to be “number one”. I still think both companies are awesome and will support pretty much anything they attempt, I just want DC to do more stuff with Green Arrow. I mean, that guy’s awesome! He doesn’t even have a movie yet!

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My Soul to Take (2010) [REVIEW]

May 23, 2011 2 Comments



FUCK. THIS. SHITTY. MOVIE.  I know this is the introduction to why I watched this movie, but I really don’t know how I can get into anything like that when I am still so pissed at spending time watching this movie. I did consider going to see this in theaters when it came out last year, being the first film Wes Craven has written and directed since New Nightmare, so how could it be bad? Oh, it can be bad, it can be REALLY fucking bad. It’s almost like he took every single idea he has had for a scary movie since the last movie he made and tried to throw it all together, not giving a fuck that it made no sense. I guess before I get into it any further, I should tell you what the fuck it was about.



Teenagers? In the woods? Nothing good can come of this!

 

The film starts with some sort of insanely filmed segment where we learn that there is a serial killer being referred to as the “Ripper”, and no one knows who it is. We see who it is, and that it’s some guy who has mental issues and split personalities and hallucinations, and everyone is fucking confused as to what happens. The cops show up after he kills his pregnant wife, and when shooting him down and transporting him to a hospital, the ambulance explodes and the body of the Ripper kind of disappears or something. Next we see a gathering of a bunch of high school kids in the woods, and learn that it’s 16 years after the events of the opening scene and that the day is now supposedly haunted or something, and more specifically, there were seven teenagers born on the day of the Ripper’s disappearance. I guess there is supposed to be some sort of legend to all the shit going on, but it doesn’t make much sense.



OMG the scary knife has the word “VEGEANCE” written on it. That like, totally adds depth to the murderer!

 

The seven teens are all a bunch of cocksuckers and I can’t stand looking at them, so luckily one of them is killed by someone dressed as the Ripper. One of the seven, nicknamed “Bug”, is the main character we follow, mostly because he has the schizophrenia, as well as being bullied by another one of the seven. Then there’s this scene in a classroom where Bug and another one of the seven have made a giant California condor puppet things that pukes and shits all over the bully. You get the impression that this condor puppet will have some sort of significance, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t show up in the movie again. We get to see the “hot” girl from the seven being confronted by the bully from the seven, and he tries forcing her into giving him a blowjob in the woods. Sadly, she runs away? Then we find out that Bug was the son of the Ripper and he was the baby in the stomach of the pregnant Ripper wife in the beginning of the movie. Someone determines that either the Ripper is still alive, or that the Ripper’s soul is in one of the seven, and we learn that it was Bug’s friend, who tries to kill Bug, only to get killed first, and then the movie is over or something?



This is what you get for not giving blow jobs in the woods! STRANGLED BY CREEP HANDS!

 

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT. Whose fucking idea was it to make this movie almost two hours? There are so many ridiculous ideas and concepts that I can’t even keep track of how much fucking time was wasted by trying to set up the mythology of the movie. And to be COMPLETELY honest, I couldn’t finish this movie. I got about an hour and fifteen minutes into it, and rather than staying awake for another thirty minutes, decided I’d rather sleep, and never finish this movie, because it doesn’t deserve it. I only found out the ending through Wikipedia, and it looks as though I made a wise decision on that one. Considering how much shitty movies I watch, the fact that this is one that I just couldn’t bring myself to finish should say a lot.



I mean, this is kind of creepy, right?

 

Within the first 45 minutes or so, I thought the movie sucked, but there were a few interesting visuals. The aesthetics of the Ripper character were kind of scary, and I saw Rampaige get scared when he was running around like a jerk, so I didn’t want to judge the movie. And the whole scene involving the condor was relatively creepy, assuming that it would show up later in the movie with some sort of context, and then it, well, didn’t. I really can’t recommend this movie to anyone, for any reason, because it’s just not fucking worth it. Even if there were a half a dozen cool shots, that in no way justifies having to watch sixteen year olds, which is a term I use loosely, run around with shitty and pointless dialogue, underwhelming payoff, and a completely disrespectful installment in Wes Craven’s legacy. Although, now that I’m looking through all the shit he’s written, there’s only a handful of movies I think are entertaining, and the rest is shit. Fuck this movie right in its shitty fucking face. Goddammit.


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Hesher (2010) [REVIEW]

May 23, 2011 1 Comment



The description of this movie I had read before seeing any pictures or video sounded pretty interesting, which was centered around a father and son who had just lost their wife/mother until meeting a nihilist metalhead named Hesher. What could possibly be more wacky?! Ok, maybe “wacky” isn’t the first term that jumps to your mind, but it seems like it would be a comedy. Add to that the fact that the dad was played by Rainn Wilson and that Hesher was being played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt made my interest rise even higher, until I saw the trailer. I don’t know what it was about it, whether it was poorly edited or the movie just wasn’t going to be good, that I completely lost interest in it. Since I was seeing positive things beings said about it on Twitter, I figured it was worth a shot. Funny thing is that Rampaige wants to have sex with both Rainn Wilson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, probably at the same time if possible, yet after inviting her numerous times, continued to say no. When I told her I was going to see it while she was at work, she somehow tried to get upset. What’s up with that?!



Would’ve been a little more convincing had there been corpse paint, or had his tattoos have been even shittier

 

T.J. is a young kid who has just lost his mother in a car accident who we see chasing after the car she died in, attempting to cling to anything involving her existence that he can. His home life shows him living with his grandmother, who is either oblivious or has dementia, and his father sleeping all day, due to the medications he’s been taking for his depression. While T.J., played by Devin Brochu, is riding his bike, he falls and gets pissed and smashes the window of an abandoned house. Turns out that this is where Hesher lives, and Hesher then invades his life, following him at school and even moves into T.J.’s house at the threat of physical abuse. T.J. is also being bullied at school, so his life is looking pretty shitty, until Natalie Portman’s character intervenes with the bully, not only rescuing T.J. but also causing him to develop a big crush on her. Hesher teases him quite often about this, and to seek revenge on the bully, Hesher takes T.J. to the kid’s house and blows up his car, all while listening to Metallica’s song “Battery”.



Best way to make everyone sad? ADD RAIN.

 

T.J. and Hesher have a tumultuous “friendship”, not sure whether Hesher is there to help or if he is just there to exist. He seems to offer assistance and encouragement with the family, and tries to get them to connect with one another. He encourages T.J. and his dad to spend more time with the grandmother, but before they can take advantage of this, she passes away as well. Hesher leaves the house, being emotionally frustrated with the family, as does T.J., who goes to see Natalie Portman in hope of finding solace. Instead, he finds Hesher sleeping with her, and gets pissed and rages on everyone. Hesher kind of disappears as T.J. sinks into a depression, until it’s time for the funeral. At the funeral, Hesher shows up drunk and offers words of wisdom about how the two should lead their lives using a story of him losing a testicle because he blew something up. The three then take the grandmother’s casket for one final walk, which is something none of them took the time to do while she was alive. This seems to be what T.J. and his father needed, as it appears his father has now been shaken from the depression he was in, and shows T.J. that Hesher’s last gift to the two of them was the car their wife/mother died in, crushed into a cube. And then we see that Hesher has spray painted the roof of their house with “HESHER WAS HERE”.



Natalie Portman’s character’s age was a little ambiguous and confusing. I have deduced that she is younger than 60 and older than 5. That’s as close as I can get.

 

After watching the trailer, I had kind of assumed that this movie would be a “black comedy”. That has to be one of the worst fucking ways to label a movie, because to me, it’s just an excuse to not be funny while trying really hard to. It’s like calling something “modern art”, in the sense that if people don’t like it, you can always just claim they “don’t get it”. For the first thirty or so minutes of Hesher I was under the presumption that what I had seen in the trailer was accurate and that this movie was intended to be a black comedy, and wasn’t all that funny. I mean, it was hard not laughing at the intensity and insanity of the way Hesher led his life, that it seemed like it was easier to laugh than it was to accept that someone like this would exist. There are quite a few comedies that have similar characters that can get away with being assholes because they are cute or play things to the audience, but Hesher didn’t do that, so it took a little bit to accept him for the asshole that he was. It wasn’t until the scene where he is sleeping with Natalie Portman that you realized how terrible Hesher was and that he was a selfish piece of shit. The whole movie changed for me at that scene and I realized this movie was mostly a journey of terrible events going on in T.J.’s life. You needed to experience them the way he did because we’ve all had moments in our lives that we thought were awful and the end of all things, only to realize that life will keep going and we should all appreciate what we do have while we still have it. I’m sure there are plenty of movies with this similar message that has characters being brought together by some talking dog or a homeless man or something a little bit more wholesome than Hesher. However, by using and character that was so unlikeable was just another way of showing that you never know what, or who, will cause changes in your life. Rainn Wilson, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Natalie Portman, and newcomer Devin brochu were all awesome in this movie, and played characters different from their usual fare. Although this isn’t a movie I would encourage repeated viewings with, since it was relatively emotionally exhausting, I think once you get over the fact that this movie shouldn’t be viewed as a comedy, you can enjoy the concepts in the movie and be glad that you didn’t have to have Hesher fuck the girl you have a crush on to get the message. Although, I’m sure Rampaige would be totally okay with Hesher fucking the girl I have a crush on, because that would mean she gets to sleep with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.


Wolfman Moon Scale


Official Site
IMDb

Filed under 4 Stars, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Search Party Sunday

May 22, 2011 4 Comments

As you can see, I am having trouble coining one specific phrase that encompasses these posts I make on Sundays. Although, I do like the fact that I was just able to use the term “search party”, because it reminds me of Star Wars as well as parties. Also, this week was another record-breaking week, with my highest day of visits being reached again, with 593 visits in one day! I’m starting to wonder if WordPress is maybe just doing something wrong, because how the fuck could there be that many people actually coming to this site on purpose OR accidentally? Either way, here are the things people searched for this week.

  • mary elizabeth winstead ass
  • chris hemsworth thor hair
  • werewolf movie man holding girl breast
  • the wicker man naked – I mean, it’s just a guy made out of sticks, so I don’t know what that would look like…
  • captain america punching hitler
  • saw paranormal activity – Oh yeah? Well, I saw it too, and you don’t see ME bragging about it to Google!
  • girl tries underwear
  • thor’s beard movie – I didn’t know they made a whole movie about it already.
  • Дагон (фильм) – This took people to my site three times. Anyone wanna translate it?
  • old movie about a man turns into some kinda monster animated like the ninja turtles movie – My favorite part is the “kinda” part.
  • dick in horror movie
  • kick ass hit girl blowjob – Great. now I just feel gross.
  • piranah boobs – Just as a heads up, they don’t actually have boobs.
  • sky muvi
  • chihuahua temper
  • riley steele love fool riley steele – I put her name there twice, just in case you didn’t catch it the first time, Google.
  • horse chasing dog butt fuck
  • 2 bears highfiving – …………..

 

  • hot do i kill a tree withc is 25 ft
  • great boobs
  • men in dippers – Oh you know, just dippin’ around.
  • fucking naked girls have sex with boys – Not just regular naked, but FUCKING NAKED!!!!!
  • how to tell if someones wearing a diaper
  • wearing diaper to the lake] – We’re pretty heavy on the diapers this week.
  • stan without hat
  • fat boy school pooping
  • sexy movies fuking man to awomen
  • show me video of sex scenes in the remake night of the demons – Looks like people are getting so retarded that they are just typing in their demands to Google now.
  • you just pissed on a gypsy
  • butthole open – Do I really talk about buttholes THAT much?
  • naked strippers completly
  • steve gonsalves shirtless – Yup, had to be Rampaige.

 

There you go, everybody. Slurp that shit right up, I know how much you love it. Thus concludes the Search Party Sunday!

Filed under Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Giallo (2009) [REVIEW]

May 17, 2011 2 Comments



There were two things I knew before watching this movie. Okay, well I guess cumulatively I knew a little bit more than to things, but probably less than five. What I meant to say is I only knew two things about THIS movie before watching it. Thing #1: the term “giallo” is a way of referring to certain types of Italian literature and film. As far as what kind of literature and film, I really didn’t know, because I’m kind of stupid. I generally don’t like to classify movies into genres too intensely, because what I might consider a slasher movie, someone might disagree and say it’s a psychological thriller with characters are slashers. In hopes of avoiding that bullshit, I never really sought out too many genres, so giallo was just another term I didn’t pay attention to. Thing #2: this film’s release was the subject of some Adrien Brody drama, but I didn’t really know what the drama was that prevented this film’s release until I went onto the internet. I was nervous that it was because of something the director, Dario Argento, might have done, but I guess it was just more of a financial thing. You got lucky on this one, Argento!


“What was that? Brody-Man ain’t gettin’ his money? Dis here be some BULL-SHEEEET ARGENTOOOO!”



We see two young women at a club speaking to each other in Japanese, and they are having a good time until they get into a cab, get locked in, and assaulted. The film then introduces us to a model, played by Elsa Pataky, who is making plans to meet her sister, played by Emmanuelle Seigner after the runway show, only to also get into a cab and get locked in and assaulted. The sister goes to the police and they don’t really give a shit and direct her to go talk to the American who works in the basement, played by Adrien Brody. Hearing about the woman being kidnapped in a cab and being a model, he is reminded of a case he has been working on where a killer has been murdering and disfiguring attractive young women. He starts trying to find clues about the victim as well as the killer, and strikes up a working relationship with the sister. After the Japanese woman from the opening scene turns up mutilated and left for dead, she is only able to say a traditional prayer as well as claiming the killer to be “yellow” before she dies. The jump is then made that the killer’s skin must be yellow, so he must have a medical condition that requires treatment, and through a series of leads, Brody-Man finds the killer’s name, as well as a brief chase sequence with him. There’s no sign of him at his apartment, other than him clearly being the one responsible, and the viewers see Elsa’s character escape, only to be caught shortly after. The killer goes to the sister’s house to let her know she needs medical treatment, and that if she helps him get medical treatment, he’ll tell her where her sister is being held, but then Brody-Man shows up and kills him before the location is revealed. Brody-Man walks away, not really giving a shit about the sister who might never be found, because he got his man, and then we see that the victim is trapped in the trunk of a car in a parking garage, yet it remains unclear as to whether or not she is eventually found.



Well that’s ONE way to make Elsa Pataky go cross-eyed! Now you can do those crazy Magic Eye puzzles!



Rampaige, if you’re reading this, I don’t care that you hated this movie, because I liked it! Well, I kind of liked it. Apparently the style of giallo, after reading about it online, refers to thrillers that have a combination of violent deaths, blood, and boobs. All things that I like! Going back even further, giallo also refers to pulp novels about crime and mystery. The reason the term “giallo” is used is because it also is Italian for “yellow”, and those pulp novels originally had yellow covers. So not only does this film have a giallo style, but the main character’s skin is also yellow, which is giallo, which is a genre of film, which gets its name from the yellow covered novels that epitomized this style, which is a giallo style, and the character’s skin is yellow, which translates to giallo, the style of the film! I JUST TALKED MYSELF DIZZY! And here I thought I was so clever for knowing that giallo meant yellow, and then noticing that the bad guy had yellow skin from the beginning, not thinking it would become a plot point. One annoyance was how quickly and easily they went from hearing that the character was “yellow” to knowing 100% without a doubt that he had yellow skin. Aren’t there other possibilities? Maybe he hung out with Curious George a lot and that’s why he was yellow. Everything from there hinged upon that moment, and they got it a little too easily.



You trying to ask her questions, Brody-Man? She’s already dead! What are you gonna ask her, how dead she is?! The answer is…VERY DEAD!



I can’t help but think that it was intentional to have such an obvious jump to make Brody-Man know that the character was yellow, considering this was a giallo film, I think things were intended to be obvious. No real gray areas, no real subtleties, all the characters were able to connect the dots quite easily. Despite the fact that giallo films supposedly have lots of blood, boobs, and style, this film seemed to use those devices minimally, yet made the film enjoyable. I got the sense that the characters and dialogue were intended to be a little dry, a little boring, a little uninteresting, and the actors really were meant to “phone in” their performances. Not to say any of the actors did poor jobs, there just weren’t too many extremes or emotions that the characters had to go through. I also really liked the way it ended ambiguously, as well as Brody-Man’s character just being satisfied for getting what he wanted. Coming from Argento, this film seemed to be more of an homage to the style of giallo as opposed to one of the prime examples of the style.


Wolfman Moon Scale


Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Things in our apartment…

May 16, 2011 14 Comments

I had been planning on doing one of these posts, one of those ones where I post things, and then you guys look at them. Turns out that there is a special occasion, which is that this post is number 250. A nice, cool, crisp 250. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? As previously mentioned, I’m going to use this post to show you pictures of things in Rampaige and I’s apartment.


My Closet

Yup, that’s pretty much it. Things you can see are a bunch of Marvel Legends figures, including all three Zombie figures, some animal masks, an Atrocitus figure, and an Empire Strikes Back sleeping bag. And very small in the back of the closet you can also see the box for the Lego AT-AT set that I put together. One of these days, I like to think Rampaige will give me permission to put these things somewhere that isn’t locked in my closet.


Shelf #1

Most of those books on the right are a combination of subjects like cryptozoology, UFOs, and ghosts. There’s also a picture of Banner on that shelf, as well as a picture of Rampaige with her friend, and an elephant watering can that my sister got for Rampaige. That print on the wall is one that I got permission to hang up, which is Florian Bertmer’s “Howling Wolf” print. One of the first screenprints that I got, I bought it as soon as it went on sale, and, well, it’s awesome.


Shelf #2

That Darth Vader mask on the left is one that makes noises and distorts your voice, which I didn’t buy when it was originally released, and I instead bought it on eBay. I bought that Batman figure because I really only wanted to buy a small pin, but only had a card, and needed to add money to my purchase. The fertility idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark was a gift from Rampaige for Valentine’s Day last year, and is also a bank! That’s the last issue of Preacher that I got signed by Garth Ennis at C2E2 this year, and of course, some Star Wars Mighty Muggs. I need more of those!


Shelf #3

On the left you can see stacks of more books, mostly assorted comics/graphic novels/trade paperbacks, and if you look closely, one of the books is the Satanic Bible! So kvlt! More Mighty Muggs, as well as two sets of Mulder and Scully action figures, as well as a boxed set of figures from the Red Son story involving Superman, one of the few Superman related stories I enjoy. Also you can see a print with ghosts on it, and you might think that Rampaige got it signed by the guy who made it, but instead had it signed by Steve Gonsalves and Dustin Pari from the Ghost Hunters…even better!


Blu Rays

Certainly not the biggest collection out there, but I’m quite proud of the movies I’ve selected to get on Blu Ray. I made it a conscious effort to stop buying brand new DVDs once Blu Rays won the HD battle, and only bought used one. Clearly I was eagerly awaiting being able to buy some of these films, especially on Blu Ray. Both the Life series and Planet Earth series look fucking AWESOME on Blu Ray, almost 3D even. Sunshine, There Will Be Blood, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, and Zodiac were all movies I knew I would buy because I needed to see how awesome they looked in HD. Some of them were cheap, and that explains having Watchmen, in hopes that I would like it more, which I didn’t. Also, Stan Helsing was probably five dollars, used, and I bought it because I was just so fucking excited to have a Blu Ray player that I think it was one of the first ten I bought. Also, you can’t see it because of the glare, but yes, that’s Punisher: War Zone.


What I’m Reading

The book on the left is generally the one I carry around with me, but it’s mostly just the fictional book that H.P. Lovecraft talked about, and someone else wrote it. Some of the phrases and uses of language are interesting, but it’s mostly pictures and directions for casting spells. Really just trying to work my way through it. And on the right is something I’ve wanted for quite some time, and only recently did I discover it at Barnes & Noble at an affordable price.


My Jacket

Not always in my apartment, because sometimes I’m wearing it. However, with the increasing temperatures, it would probably stay behind closed doors more often. I have been wanting to sew a patch onto this jacket for a while now, it was only about two months ago that I was able to figure out what shirt to cut up and found the time to borrow Nate’s sewing machine. I’m sure all you punkers out there will be disappointed about it not being a band shirt that I cut up, but all your true punk rockers will know that limited merch is far too crucial to just cut up.



And there you have it, folks, post #250. In the past few days I have come close to breaking 500 views in a day, and I determined that one of my goals before the end of the year is to have a day where I hit 1,000 views. I figured, what better way of doing that than to post pictures of shit around my apartment? Hopefully you enjoyed this glimpse into my apartment, for those of you who have never been, and to all of Rampaige’s stalkers, I wanted you guys to see what this stuff looked like without having to use binoculars!

Filed under Inane Bullshit Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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