Summer Movies

June 29, 2011 6 Comments

No, this post is NOT about movies that are coming out this summer. The following list is composed of films that I own that, for one reason or another, remind me of summer. Considering June is almost over (holy shit, June is almost over), I’d like to invite every single one of you to come over and watch any of these movies. In case you’re wondering the connection of why certain movies remind me of the summer, well, don’t worry, you’re going to be getting witty anecdotes of why those movies remind me of summer. I might leave out a few that I have mentioned in other posts and why they remind me of summer, and this might bore the shit out of you, but it’s a list I’ve been meaning to compile.

  • 40 Year Old Virgin – I vaguely remember watching bits of this movie here and there when I was working at a movie theater, but the thing I remember more vividly was watching this movie, on DVD, after hours at the movie theater. We started watching it at midnight, then realized it was LONG AS FUCK, and had to stop watching after an hour because everyone fell asleep.
  • The Aristocrats - I saw this movie at the Academy of Music in Northampton, MA, and more importantly than seeing the movie was the fact that through our friends with connections, we were able to go in after it had closed to use a Ouija board. I don’t remember all of the details, but I think at one point a “ghost” used the board to direct the comment of “suck my ass” towards this one asshole douchebag. He deserved it.
  • The Cable Guy – There was a point where I would save all of my movie tickets and even compiled them into some big frame. I would write on the ticket itself what movie it was for, since this was before that technology existed. Thinking it would impress a classmate, I remember finding an unlabeled ticket and wrote “The Cable Guy” on it to impress them. I also think it was towards the end of the school year, so I also had that going for me.
  • Wall-E – When I first lived in Chicago, I worked at a movie theater as a manager. My hours were a lot more irregular, especially since it was in a suburb, so I got home pretty late. Despite not having much interest in the movie beforehand, my friend Todd Asked if I wanted to go to the midnight show of this movie, which was in a different suburb. We were probably the only two people over the age of 17 in the whole theater, and the movie was fucking awesome. I then tried to get Rampaige to watch it with me online, and she fell asleep, but we saw it in a different theater. She then claimed it was her favorite thing ever, like a giant poseur.
  • Star Trek – Rampaige and I saw this in a cheap theater at the first showing one day, and walked around the neighborhood after that. We went into a toy store and I bought a Boba Fett statue, and it was great. That’s a lot shorter than the others.
  • Scott Pilgrim vs. the World – Do I really need to say why? Last summer I read the entire series of books and then saw the movie a few weeks later, and the movie is awesome. Rampaige and I also took pictures of ourselves pretending to play instruments in front of a giant cardboard cutout of Scott Pilgrim, and I also listened to the soundtrack a bunch. The only problem now is that I watch the movie constantly, and the summer-ness of it is wearing off. Dammit!
  • Reservoir Dogs – When I first took my brother’s TV into my room and hooked up a VCR, I watched this movie on VHS all the time. It’s only about an hour and a half long, so I watched it a shitload of times.
  • Drag Me to Hell – Wanting to see this movie quite badly and seeing that the closest theater at the time was in a suburb, it was time for Rampaige and I to go on an adventure. The theater ended up being part of the chain I used to work for back in Massachusetts, and shortly after that I applied to be a projectionist and got a job. Man, being a projectionist was sweet. Especially in the summertime when you would leave work and it would be that awesome summer night weather.
  • The Dark Knight – I went to a midnight showing for this movie with a bunch of former employees, and all of those employees were high schoolers. All of the managers, myself included, went to a bar across the street where I watched the other managers do some shots. We returned to the theater about five minutes before the movie was supposed to start, and the high schoolers were so fucking pissed about how hard it was to save four seats together that was right in the middle of the theater. Hahaha those dumb bastards.
  • Chicken Run – I saw this in theaters with my mom, and I’m pretty sure I saw every movie that came out that summer with my mom. I also remember stopping at a Wal-Mart while driving back from California and buying a bunch of cheap DVDs, including this, Spaceballs, and You Got Served. I returned You Got Served.
  • Evil Dead – The first time I saw this was after hearing something about a guy chopping his own hand off and replacing it with a chainsaw. I was kind of pissed to find out that it didn’t happen during the first movie, and over the next three days watched each installment. Years later, I bought the movies on DVD during the summer, and every time I put them in, I fell asleep. I had to try watching them so many goddamn times before I finally could stay awake.
  • Garden State – I went to visit my friend Lazer, who lived in Eastern Massachusetts, and we traveled to Boston to go see The Polyphonic Spree. Yes, there was a point in time where I went to go see The Polyphonic Spree at a music venue. Since we had time to kill, we went to see this movie first. And despite even knowing back then how cringe-worthy the line of “Who are you listening to? The Shins? Oh man, The Shins! The Shins are the best!” or whatever it was, I liked it. I don’t even know if I’ve watched it since then, but the weather was warm when I saw it.
  • Hotel for Dogs – Even though this movie came out in january a few years ago, Rampaige and I were still fucking pumped to see it, which we did in theaters. However, Chicago holds an event called “Movies in the Park” where you get to watch movies outside, that are usually kid-friendly. The first movie we went to see in a park? Yup, Hotel for Dogs. And Nate came and so did Rocky the dog, and it was as awesome as you can imagine.
  • Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark/Temple of Doom/The Last Crusade/The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull  - Actually, fuck Temple of Doom. Not in a permanent sense, but in the sense of it reminding me of the summer. Raiders is another movie that Rampaige, Nate, Rocky and I went to see at a Movies in the Park event, so there’s that, but it goes further. When Beardy Joe and I were visiting our friend Todd in L.A., a movie theater was showing a double feature of Raider and Last Crusade, completely leaving out Temple of Doom. It was awesome. Also, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is another midnight movie that I was glad to go to, and as much shit as people talk about it, how many other movies that came out that year had Indiana Jones as the titular character?
  • Independence Day – Holy shit, does it really need to be said? I saw this in theaters on July 3rd of the year it came out, which I know because it opened July 2nd and when the movie showed JULY 3RD in huge letters onscreen, I was pumped because it meant THAT day. I think I had an ID4 poster, which, by the way, is the shittiest abbreviation for the movie, considering there isn’t a “4″ in the title, but, whatever. Also, one of my first years watching this after “growing up” was after watching Springfield, MA’s fireworks from the roof of City Hall, and we then proceeded to the movie theater I worked at to watch it on the big screen. It’s awesome every single year to watch on the 4th.
  • Jaws – Another no-brainer. One of the few movies I’ve watched that have made me homesick for Massachusetts, because when you see the shitty, cold beaches of Martha’s Vineyard, it make you want to go to those beaches. There was also a point where I would read the book “every summer”, which was probably only three summers total, because I always mean to read it before the 4th of July, and just like this year, completely fucking forget.
  • Napoleon Dynamite – Hate this movie all you want, I don’t care, because I probably haven’t seen it since it came out. However, when it did come out, I think I saw it in theaters three times. I was so pumped anytime I found some sort of new Napoleon Dynamite toy, because, believe it or not, there was a time when people WERE oblivious to it. One of those times seeing it was in Northampton, MA at the Pleasant Street Theater, which was pretty cool because the back rows were made of couches instead of regular theater chairs.
  • Scooby-Doo - One of the first movies that was showing my first summer at a movie theater, and I really liked that Outkast song that played at the credits. I remember that I was cleaning the theaters after the movie and I got really excited and then proceeded to run up to the screen and dance around. After being blinded by the projector light and furiously dancing, I noticed there were still people in the theater, watching me dance. Whoops.
  • Sleepaway Camp – It was so fucking hot when I watched this movie in my living room. All the shades were down and the air conditioner was on and my friend Bill had come over to see the movie because he was bored. I had no idea what I was in for, and no idea how fucking crazy the twist ending was. But even more memorable was the drink I had from 7-11. Remember when they had a cup that you filled with fountain soda, and to keep the soda cold, there was a special lid that extended to the bottom of the cup, and then you filled THAT with Slurpee?! Holy shit was that awesome, I drank so many of them all the time. bring them back, 7-11!
  • Snakes on a Plane – The year this came out I was reading at the movie theater I was working at, which was dangerous because there was a Barnes & Noble right next door. This means I would typically buy a book before my shift and finish it a couple of days later, only to buy more books, and finish them. One book I bought out of desperation was the novelization of Snakes on a Plane. That’s right, the novelization. And ya know what? I read it before the movie even came out. I don’t even think I saw it in theaters because I knew everything that would happened. Goddammit what a mistake that was.
  • Zombi 2/3/4/5 – The first film in the series was another one of those movies that I decided to watch at the movie theater I worked at on DVD and had invited someone oblivious to horror films to watch. That person wasn’t impressed, and I probably wasn’t blown away either. I ended up buying it, as well as the three subsequent films on DVD, and one day went to my friend Conor’s apartment to watch them all. here’s a little tip, Zombie 3-5 are fucking awful and no one ever needs to watch them. They are all different kinds of zombies and in different parts of the world and nothing ties anything together. Bullshit. Oh, and I bought pistachio ice cream that day and would take a spoonful and spit out the actual pistachios into a separate bowl. What a fucking weirdo.

There you have it, assbags. And I hate to admit, but that list was actually even longer, but I had to delete some that weren’t even close to funny. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “Does that mean he thinks THESE are funny?! What a fuckhead!” To which I really don’t have a good response. Offer still stands that you can come over and watch these with us sometime before the summer’s over!

Filed under Inane Bullshit Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Days of Sodom

June 27, 2011 3 Comments

Well, you might not quite understand the title of this post, but I do! Firstly, I recently watched “Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom”, but the reason I changed it to 4 is because I recently went to Massachusetts for four days! Get it now?! Oh man, I’m clever. Just to get this out of the way, no, I will not be reviewing Salò, because it’s not really a movie you can review. The plot is about a group of fascist Nazis who take 9 boys and 9 girls hostage and over 120 days, supposedly, these 18 kids are humiliated, physically and sexually. There’s poop eating and eyeball gouging and all that good shit, but that’s basically it. I can’t really say the movie was all that good, but considering the subject matter, I also can’t really say it was all that bad. I could spend a whole bunch of time looking deeper into why there was a feast of human feces being served for dinner and how that represents something else, but I don’t really feel like it. I didn’t feel much for it either way, but there are plenty of people that both condemn and commend this film for what it accomplished. I’m sure some people could say the same about a film like “Serbian Film”, but at least that had a plot. Now onto the good stuff! One of my favorite things about visiting home is the food I eat, which isn’t necessarily the absolute greatest, but you can only get it back in Massachusetts, so I eat as much of it as possible.

 

New England style clam chowder from the Boston Sail Loft, delicious. Funny story about clam chowder is that once when I was on a trip to southern California, I stopped by a restaurant that claimed to have the “World’s Best Clam Chowder”. I was pretty sure this was an exaggeration, but I took the plunge anyway. As soon as the bowl arrived, it was Manhattan style, which immediately negated the possibility of it being the world’s best. I was pissed.


Definitely more of a regional taste, I always make sure to get Friendly’s, because everything is fattening. Despite the fact that their menu is comprised of stereotypical Americana bullshit, my favorite thing to eat are the quesadillas. There is just something magical about them, which is why they refused to be captured in a photograph.


Nick’s Nest has great hot dogs, but that’s mostly because they soak in butter for about three years before you eat them. No matter how many times I get these hot dogs, I still refuse to put any condiments on them out of fear that they might take away from the buttery meat tubes I cram down my throat.


And finally, the thing that makes it all worthwhile, Antonio’s pizza in Amherst, MA. What you can see here is honey mustard chicken pizza, which might not sound mind-blowing, but trust me, it is. It’s a white pizza that has grilled chicken on it, then slather it in honey and in mustard. Confused? You should be. You read that correctly, they slather honey AND mustard. None of this bullshit honey mustard combo sauce, but both ingredients added separately. This means some bites have more honey, some have more mustard, but it’s always delicious.


This isn’t food, this is my friend Mark at his job. What you’re seeing is row after row after row of older comic books, and his job is to organize them. Sure, some people might think it sounds tedious and boring, but after visiting him for about 45 minutes, I didn’t want to leave. There’s just something about organization and going through box after box that makes you feel like you’re accomplishing something. Knowing that someday, after many many days, everything will be organized in its correct place. Plus, we were there at 11pm when we had the place all to ourselves. The bonus is that it is in Easthampton, MA, in a building called “Eastworks” that used to be a giant factory. The building is now renovated, and there’s just a shit ton of small businesses, like some sort of old time-y, shitty mall. The empty hallways and sterile bathrooms with their fluorescent light were both charming and terrifying. Now check out the things that I bought!


Let’s go bottom to top (that’s what she said). High Tension was on sale at Best Buy for $6, and could have been bought anywhere, but was instead bought back in Massachusetts. Fantastic Mr. Fox was purchased at Newbury Comics in Northampton, MA, rather than it’s old location in Amherst. No trip home is complete without visiting this store and trying to find deals on used Blu Rays or other random shitty toys. Which leads me to that awesome Darth Vader mug in the middle, which says “Join Us Or Die”. Since Rampaige has a cool owl mug that’s big, I deserved one, and it just so happens to be Star Wars. Speaking of Star Wars, you’ll notice those Star Wars LEGO sets that were purchased with the help of Beardy Joe. The set on the left is from Clone Wars and has C-3PO, R2-D2, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and some douchebag named Captain Rex. There were only 2000 of these made and they were only sold at San Diego Comic Con in 2010. I bought them thinking that I’d put them together, but, well, instead put it up on eBay. TIMES ARE TOUGH! The three sets on the right consist of Boba Fett, Bossk, 4-Lom, Dengar, and IG-88. IT’S FUCKING AWESOME. Again, limited to only 2000, but these were only sold at Star Wars Celebration V, and, well, I bought extras knowing I would sell them. Consumerism! See that big thing in back? That’s Hogwart’s Castle. You might be wondering why I bought a huge LEGO set when I just mentioned needing to save money, and did you know how much I paid? ONLY $32 FOR THAT FUCKER. Normally it is over $100, but since Beardy Joe works for LEGO, it was 75% off, so, it was fucking awesome. Currently I am about halfway through building it because Rampaige went out tonight and decided to have a social life, and I look forward to more nights alone where I am allowed to be a fucking loser and build LEGO sets.

Filed under Inane Bullshit Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) [REVIEW]

June 21, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Since I like to be honest with all of my readers, I’d like to admit to you guys that the reason I watched the first movie was to eventually watch this film. I saw an animated GIF of a kill from the movie, and based ony m enjoyment of an animated GIF, I thought maybe this movie would have some good kills. I didn’t want to jump straight into the sequel, which is why I made it a point to watch the first movie. Otherwise, can you imagine how confused I would be?! I would have no idea why anyone was in the woods or just how retarded the monsters in this movie were! The time finally came when all of my hard work paid off, and now you get to hear what I thought…but as a warning, it isn’t going to be pretty.

 

There ya go, now you have no reason to watch this movie

 

Similar to the first film, this one starts with the arbitrary death of a character that we know nothing about, but we see the brutality of the hillfolk who will be the villains for the rest of the movie. It wasn’t until watching some of the special features that I learned that the girl who got killed was some dumb bitch named Kimberly Caldwell who I guess is some host for stupid bullshit like American Idol? I also learned she was full of herself and acted like anyone gave a shit about the fact that she was in the movie. What I was more concerned with was the fact that she played “herself”, which is apparently some D-List celebrity who thinks she’s relevant, and while she is talking to her agent on the phone, we hear that her agent is voiced by Patton Oswalt. What the fuck? I’m hoping he recorded his voiceover for this movie before Ratatouille came out, otherwise he could have gotten paid a lot more for it. Holy shit, I’m still complaining about the opening scene, which ended with the sole reason I watched any of these movies. Do I still have to watch the rest?

 

You can tell who the goth is by the wristbands and shitty shit hair

 

The premise of this one is much different from the first one, and a lot more annoying. A bunch of contestants are selected to compete in some bullshit reality show that confused the fuck out of me when they were explaining it. Hey, filmmakers, if you’re spending a shit ton of time explaining the rules of a fake reality show, you’re doing it wrong. More importantly, the host of this show is a former Marine, and is played by Henry Rollins, which made me slightly more interested. Did I mention that this reality game show takes place in the woods? The very same woods that the first film took place in? Well I’m sure you can imagine the direction that this movie goes. We see characters like the annoying and edgy skateboarder, the injured jock, the slutty chick, a suicidal goth chick, and a lesbian ex-military lady. Talk about diversity! Over the course of the next 93 boring, agonizing minutes, some of these characters die while others live. Also, the hill people are killed sporadically as well, and we do see one scene where two of them fuck each other. Great. Not to mention that we also see boobs at one point, and we also see one of the retard baby freaks being born, and at the end, all of the mountain people are killed. And by “all”, I mean almost all, because then we see the freak baby refusing to suck on a bottle, and instead sucking on a severed finger. We also see that the bottle was filled with water that had toxic sludge in it, which we’re expected to believe was the reason for the freaks in the first place.

 

What, they don’t have toothbrushes in the woods?! Oh, okay then. Carry on.

 

What a waste of fucking time. So very, very shitty. Not that I necessarily expected there to be anything good about this movie, but it’s still annoying that I wasted my time with this. I can admit that the gore/special effects were mildly entertaining, but I use the term “mildly” loosely. I think the gore was creative, but there was just something about it that made the film look like it had an even lower budget than it actually did. Maybe it was because they were seemed to use three times the amount of blood for every scene than a standard horror movie would use, it just came across as lazy. Had the filler in between the death scenes been more entertaining, or at least less painful to watch, maybe I would have enjoyed the death scenes more. Rollins was in it for a good amount of time, so at least he was somewhat entertaining, but every other fucking character was annoying. I’d like to point out that the suicidal goth, played by Erica Leerhsen, survives to the end of the movie. Name sound familiar? She also played the shitty, annoying hippy girl from Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, as well as being known for the girl who pulled a gun out of her cooter in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a rap sheet she’s got going for her! I also just now remembered a scene that attempted to pay homage to Texas Chain Saw Massacre by having a female wake up at a dinner table, strapped to a chair, and then a chaotic dinner scene. The director seemed to have good ideas, he was just stuck with a shitty script. In conclusion, just watch that GIF I posted a few times, listen to some Black Flag, then smear yourself in fake blood, and you’ll have a better time than watching this shitty, shitty movie.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 1 Star, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mimic (1997) [REVIEW]

June 20, 2011 1 Comment

 

Holy shit, do people still make posters like this? Maybe it was just a mid-to-late 90′s thing to have all of your characters get in a line, light part of their face, then show something dark and scary in the background. Only the 90′s! Am I right?! I saw this movie once, at a friend’s house, on VHS, probably after school. Guess what? I DON’T FUCKING REMEMBER ANY OF IT. I mean, I remembered the fact that it was a movie that existed, and was cocky enough to give it two stars on Netflix, like I remembered it, but after watching it, I realize I was an idiot. Charles S. Dutton was in it? It was directed by Guillermo del Toro?! THERE ARE BUGS?! You can imagine my delight when I saw this shit on Netflix Instant, especially since Rampaige wasn’t home and I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for watching it. I hope she doesn’t read this!

 

Lucky Mira Sorvino for getting cast in the sequel to Joe’s Apartment!

 

I guess there are a bunch of bugs that are causing kids in New York City to get sick, so Mira Sorvino, the sexy entomologist, creates a bug that will kill the disease bugs. The catch is that these bugs have a fast metabolism, but there’s also only one male capable of reproducing. Tricky girl! Years later, Sorvino stumbles across one of the bugs she created, only to realize it was a juvenile. Somehow these shits are reproducing! Sorvino grabs her husband and heads into the tunnels to figure out what the fuck has been going on. Along with Charles S. Dutton and Josh Brolin, everyone goes into the tunnels to figure out what the fuck is going on. When they finally find the bugs, they see that they are human-sized. Whoa that’s a lot bigger than they thought they could grow! Turns out that the quick turnaround in generational adaptations has resulted in these freak bugs getting huge. We get to hear Sorvino talk about how different types of bugs are known to imitate their predators, and when she points out that the predators of the freak bugs are human, we quickly and easily get the justification of why they’re so goddamned huge. Don’t forget their weakness though, which is the fact that one male is cumming in all these lady bugs (not REALLY ladybugs) so they go in search of the male. Along the way, Sorvino loses her husband but replaces him with finding the male bug, who she tosses under a moving train, killing him. Once back to the surface, Mira looks longingly into the subway and thinks she catches a glimpse of a human bug freak, only to see her husband ascend the staircase moments later. Did she really see that bug? Are there more of them out there? All we can hope for is a sequel that will tell us the answer!

 

Goddamn, that Guillermo del Toro fucking loves bugs, doesn’t he?

 

I’d like to point out that this movie, just like Deep Rising, is a B-Movie plot that just happened to get funding from a larger studio. I think we can credit Guillermo del Toro for the look of the creatures and the overall dark look of the movie, but unfortunately, he has completely disowned this film. Apparently the Weinsteins, who paid for this movie to get made, continually showed up on set and told Guillermo what he needed to do. I guess they forced him to make enough changes that he doesn’t want his name on it, which sucks, because there was a lot of potential shown in this movie. I think what was so creepy was something that I didn’t really include in the plot, which was that before the gang went down into the subway, we keep seeing this strange humanoid people wearing long trench coats. It can be assumed that these are creepy people, aliens, monsters, they could be virtually anything. Sure, once we realize how it’s kind of silly to think that they were bugs wearing human coats, we don’t see these characters anymore, so the mystery about them remains intact. I can’t really pinpoint why exactly, but I kept being reminded of the movie Dark City throughout watching this film. I think it was the darkly lit tone and the presence of mysterious trench coated characters that just gave you a sense of unease. Not to mention the fact that the original ending was a lot darker, which showed Mira Sorvino climbing out of the subway and into Grand Central Station, only to be confronted by hundreds of the humanoid bug creatures. I think that had Guillermo del Toro been allowed to do what he wanted, this film could have been a lot more memorable than it really it. It’s still much better than that Deep Rising bullshit.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Deep Rising (1998) [REVIEW]

June 19, 2011 Leave a comment

 

I know what you’re thinking…you’re thinking that this movie is Ghost Ship. WELL IT’S NOT, OKAY?! This movie was the ORIGINAL “let’s steal stuff from a cruise ship, only to have things go terribly wrong” movie. It was a big year for Treat Williams. As if filling Tom Berenger’s shoes for The Substitute franchise wasn’t enough, he also got to be in a movie where his love interest was Famke Janssen! What a lucky fucking dog! Also, if it wasn’t for this movie, we wouldn’t have had Steven Sommers directing such films as The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing, or that G.I. Joe movie! Wait, I meant that we can blame this movie for the existence of those four I just listed. Except to be completely honest, I don’t remember the first Mummy movie being too awful, it’s just that Steven Sommers has built a reputation as a more tolerable Michael Bay-ish director.

 

If this trio can’t stop a giant sea creature, I don’t know WHO will!

 

Treat Williams plays some hotshot boat captain guy who is escorting a ragtag group of dudes to some huge cruise ship out in the ocean. Before the team can arrive, we see something come up from under the cruise ship and attack it, leaving it floating in the water. When Treat and company get there, they want to know where everyone is, until they start finding blood and skeletons. Once Treat and pals find survivors on the ship, we find out that it has been attacked by some deep-sea creature, and also learn that the team who hired Treat were planning on robbing the boat and blowing it up. The owner of the boat set it all up to get the insurance! The rest of the movie has chase scenes of tentacles coming after them some people escaping, some people getting killed. Oh, and Famke Janssen is one of the survivors who also happens to be a jewel thief. Treat, Famke, and one of Treat’s buddies/comic relief character played by Kevin J. O’ Connor blow up the boat and escape on jetskis. Of course that’s what they escape on. Once at the nearest island, they all sit back and relax, and basically say “Well it’s a good thing all of our problems are over and we got away from that big scary monster and have nothing to worry about here on this beautiful island” before we hear and see a giant monster destroying trees…BUT THEN THEY CUT TO THE CREDITS! Are we to assume that the characters made it out okay?! We’ll just have to wait for the sequel!

 

High five

 

Sadly, there was no sequel to this movie. Well, not actually “sadly” because this movie wasn’t very good. However, I think everyone involved in this movie knew that this movie wasn’t for Hollywood, and that it was a B-Movie that just happened to be released theatrically. I’m sure everyone could also admit that the characters, dialogue, and concept were predictable and unoriginal, but hey, it was just a monster movie. Rather than trying to pick apart everything about it that was shitty, it’s easier to assume the whole thing is shitty, and only point out the good parts. Those good parts being, uh, well, I guess the background information about what this supposed creature was, and just discussing how vast the ocean was and that anything at all could live down there was good justification, as opposed to chalking it up to some science experiment gone wrong. Obviously watching Famke Janssen doing anything at all was entertaining, and Kevin J. O’ Connor really is the new Clint Howard when it comes to comedic relief weirdo characters. The effects hold up over time, and by hold up, I mean don’t look that much worse than some movies you see SyFy producing. I suppose if monster movies are your thing, this movie has some sort of cult following, but the only cult I belong to are the ones where you drink a lot of soda and then talk shit about things on the internet.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Green Lantern (2011) [REVIEW]

June 18, 2011 4 Comments

 

Going into this movie, I had pretty low expectations. This summer, we already had Thor, which was good, and X-Men: First Class, which was a lot of fun, and I highly doubted this could be better than the previous comic book movie I had seen. Add to that the fact that I didn’t really think the movie would work quite that well, and the early negative reviews, I was nervous that everything would be completely fucked. The last DC movie that had come out had been The Dark Knight, which took Hollywood and the general public by storm, so how the fuck could this follow that up? Let’s just say that this version of the movie was better than the original concept that was being passed around a few years ago. Did you know that this movie was originally going to be a comedy starring Jack Black? I shit you not, that a few years ago, before the “gritty realism” of most other comic book movies, Green Lantern was going to be funny. Thank fucking Cthulhu that someone realized how dumb that was, and how much better Ryan Reynolds would look in a skin-tight suit.

 

Yes, Ryan, everyone is still pissed at you for marrying, and DIVORCING ScarJo

 

Since the Green Lantern mythos is kind of confusing to explain to anybody, the beginning of the movie had to give you a crash-course in Green Lantern-ness. These really powerful aliens harnessed an energy force in the universe, that was green, and was powered out of an individual’s sheer will. That green energy was transferred to rings, and the wearer of the ring could construct anything their mind was capable of, as long as they had the conviction of will. Once a ring had “chosen” the bearer, they would be assigned a sector. The one responsible for the sector that Earth was in was well-renowned after having defeated an entity who is the antithesis of will, and who was powered by fear. This entity, known as Parallax, literally sucked the fear from individuals, draining them of their life force. Unfortunately for Abin Sur, Parallax escaped and hunted him down, and critically wounded him. All of this shit happens in probably the first five minutes, and is aided by a narration by Geoffrey Rush, so if you got confused, I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

If you use SPF 100, you can avoid the weird purple color next time you go to the beach

 

The ring wearers are referred to as “Green Lanterns”, and after his escape from Parallax, Abin Sur landed on Earth. In Abin Sur’s last moments, his ring left his finger in search of the replacement Green Lantern, and found its way to Ryan Reynolds. Well, not Ryan Reynolds, the character is named Hal Jordan, but he’s played by Ryan Reynolds. Hal is a hotshot pilot who is cock, brash, and irresponsible, but aren’t all good superheroes? Once realizing the power of his ring, Hal is transported to the home-base for all the members of the Green Lantern Corps, a planet called “Oa”. Once there, a powerful Green Lantern named Sinestro, played by Mark Strong, expresses his doubts and concerns, and through a brief boot-camp sequence, Hal claims to quit and heads back to Earth. Peter Sarsgaard plays Hector Hammond, the scientist who gives Abin Sur an autopsy, where he inadvertently infected by what remains of Parallax in Abin Sur’s corpse, which causes Hector’s head to swell grotesquely as well as amplify his mental prowess, giving him the power to read minds and control objects. Because of his powers and he jealousy over Hal’s relationship with Carol Ferris, played by Blake Lively, Hal realizes he must defeat Hector. As if Hector being a dick wasn’t enough, the amount of Parallax inside him causes Parallax itself to head towards Earth in hopes of destroying what remains of Abin Sur’s legacy. Hal stops his pity party and takes on Hector, defeats him, then takes on Parallax, and destroys it. The rest of the Green Lantern Corps take notice, and Hal Jordan rejoins them, as a peace keeper in the universe.

 

I don’t really know who this Blake Lively bitch is, but based on Rampaige’s hatred for her, I feel like I am obligated to like her

 

What the fuck was everyone complaining about? Sure, the movie wasn’t great, but it really wasn’t that bad. In fact, I enjoyed myself. Granted, there were moments where I felt like I was watching the Hulk movie from 2003, when there was way too much shit going on to figure out what the point was. They were, for the most part, able to set the stage for the role of Green Lanterns, while remaining relatively faithful to the comics. I thought Ryan Reynolds was fine as Hal, but possibly a little too much on the self-conscious side of thing. Hal Jordan is known for his cockiness and how self-centered he is, but I understand that this was just one story where you need to introduce the character to millions of oblivious people. As far as acting goes, Reynolds couldn’t compete with the two supporting actors, Sarsgaard and Strong. Sarsgaard went from a vulnerable, intelligent character who you were sympathetic with, all the way to a grotesque, disgusting person that you couldn’t bring yourself to look at. Strong portrayed Sinestro as regal, powerful, and commanding, and despite Sinestro currently being regarded as a bad guy in the comics, he still has elegance to him that Strong conveyed wonderfully. Blake Lively? Well, yeah, she existed in this movie as well.

 

Ugh, that veiny forehead looks so sensitive that even I have a headache now

 

What really set this movie apart from any other comic book movie that has been released were the visual look of this movie. First off, Parallax is the embodiment of fear, which even in comic books is difficult to portray, but typically has a fluidity to it. On the screen, we saw a being who fluctuated in size, shape, and density, that was constantly moving, smoking, melting, and burning. In my opinion, they really nailed it. I thought the portrayal of the Guardians, the beings who originally harnessed the energy, lived on isolated thrones on Oa that were hundreds of feet tall, commanding the respect and inspiring awe in anyone who spoke with them. The robes they wore draped over the thrones and were almost as long as the thrones themselves. And any time the constructs were used, courtesy of the rings, were believable and creative, making for quite entertaining action sequences. I really feel as though the creative design of this movie gave you the sense of scale of the vastness of the universe in which Green Lantern exists, which might have alienated some viewers, but entertained me tremendously. And okay, I’ll admit, that Hal Jordan’s suit didn’t look all that cool, but it was the proof of concept. Every member of the Corps has a slightly different suit because the suit itself isn’t fabric, it is constructed from the power of the ring. It served its purpose, and won’t stop anyone from buying a Green Lantern costume this Halloween. Also, I commented on how shitty his mask was at disguising two inches of his face, there was a scene where Blake Lively realizes his him, and lets him know that hiding his cheekbones won’t fool her.

 

Why don’t more superheroes wear uniforms that emphasize every muscular fiber in their body?!

 

Maybe I’m being a little too lenient after having such low standards, but I am pretty sure that I really was as entertained as I claim. There really were moments where I doubted the quality of the movie, but the final action sequences really turned me around and made me a fan. There were also a few references for comic fans to pick up on, like the inclusion of the notorious Green Lanterns Kilowog and Bzzd, and Carol’s call sign of Sapphire, referencing the fact that currently she is a member of the Star Sapphire Corps as well as using that Corps’ insignia on her helmet. Without spoiling it, shortly into the credits we see where Sinestro’s fate is headed, which goes in line with the comic book lineage as well as sets us up for a sequel. In the current state of comic book movies, where everyone is trying to compare things to reality, it was nice to see a movie that called for the attitude of “FUCK IT” and go all out with its ambitions. Despite your Iron Mans and your Dark Knights and your X-Mens trying to relate to things you know, Green Lantern really shot for the stars showed you something a lot more majestic and astronomical, which I feel people probably haven’t seen since the original Superman. Granted, I am not saying this movie was as good as that movie, but it brought a refreshing tone to comic book movies. However, there’s not fucking way I could ever picture a team-up movie featuring Christian Bale as Batman trying to help Green Lantern fight fucking fear monsters.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


Official Site
IMDb

Filed under 4 Stars, 4 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wrong Turn (2003) [REVIEW]

June 18, 2011 5 Comments

 

Have I seen this movie before? Nope. Did I have the poster for this movie? Yup. Why? That’s a rhetorical question, and might only apply if you are blind, otherwise you would see Eliza Dushku on the poster, and you’d immediately know why I had it. To be fair, I was working at a movie theater at the time, and I had a habit of stealing posters that I only kind of sort of thought I might want, only to eventually throw it away. I think I considered going to see this movie, then my friend Joe, known as “Beardy” to some, told me that the movie had something to do with “retards” in the woods. Granted, those might not necessarily have been his words of choice, however, whichever word he DID use, the connotation of “retards” was implied. I was quite a busy guy at the time this movie came out, so I didn’t find time to watch a movie about retards killing people in the woods. Having to type that statement out, looking back on my life, and realize that I am now the kind of person to watch movies about retards killing people in the woods eight years after they originally came out…yeah, that doesn’t make me feel better.

 

Good thing you ar wearing appropriate gear, with your cargo shorts and everything. Ya know, for all of your cargo…that is best carried in pockets…

 

Two rock climbers are climbing, well, rocks. If they weren’t climbing rocks, why would I call them rock climbers? Either way, doesn’t really matter, because they get killed by unseen murderers. Some dude is then driving his car through the backwoods of somewhere, and when he stops to ask directions, the single-toothed gas station attendant is of no help. While exploring alternate routes to his job interview, he gets too caught up listening to Queens of the Stone Age and smashes into a car that is parked in the middle of the road. The car belongs to two douche-y couples and Eliza Dushku, and all the cars are fucked. While exploring the woods, and without getting cell phone reception, the members of the group start getting picked off one by one using various manner of backwoods murder tools, like barbed wire and, well, probably more barbed wire, I think. At some point, there are only three left, and they climb some sort of forest ranger watch tower thing, so they climb it. While climbing it, the mysterious woodsmen set it on fire. We then get to see a nice little Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon type of tree branch hopping chase scene, resulting in two survivors and one dead woodsmen. Dushku eventually gets herself captured, and the main guy goes to rescue her. He, well, does, and the two of them escape. But guess what? There is still one woodsman alive! It’s almost like they were setting themselves up for a sequel!

 

Behind you, Dushku! BEHIND YOUUUUU! All you do is have to turn…I just hope it’s not…A WRONG TURNNNNNNN!

 

Original or inventive this movie was not, but I was still able to pay attention to it, which is saying a lot. The plot was simple enough, and has been seen countless times, but it was relatively different for a Hollywood release that people thought might be well-received. For as far-fetched as the chase scene on the tree branches was, I hadn’t really seen that in a horror movie before. Something that I had seen in a horror movie before that this movie did was the opening credits montage. It combined images of deformed people, newspaper images about people being in the woods, and essentially just giving you an idea of the fact that the villains were people who were victims of inbreeding and lived in the woods. It was almost the exact same opening as in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes, which instead used images of nuclear weapons, the desert, and had a light-hearted, and therefore creepy, song playing. However, after some fact-checking, The Hills Have Eyes came after this movie! So that movie took the opening credits of this movie, but just with the addition of a song, made it a lot more creepy, and got the movie off to a better start. In fact, Rampaige even commented on how similar this movie was to The Hills Have Eyes, and she’s not nearly as big of a dork as I am. Ultimately, this movie’s heart was in the right place, and almost did some cool things, but wasn’t original enough to stand on its own as a viable franchise. That won’t stop me from watching the two sequels!

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) [REVIEW]

June 14, 2011 7 Comments

 

Is this what my fucking life has come to? Admitting to watching this movie on purpose might as well be the cry for help the people who commit suicide normally do. This might even be more embarrassing though because when someone cuts their wrists, everyone feels bad for them and buys them presents, but if you watch Transformers 2? Everyone makes fun of you, and everything gets worse. To let you know how badly I didn’t want to see this, when I was applying for a movie theater job, they asked if I could hang out for a while so I could meet a manager, and offered to let me see this movie for free. My response? I WENT HOME. Got the job anyway, but still. I originally planned on watching this movie and doing a live tweeting commentary, but this movie is TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LONG. No way would I have any followers if I had to do that. I hated the first one, and figured that if this one was entertaining enough, I’d consider going to see the new one, where Chicago gets the shit kicked out of it. After sitting at my house for a month, Rampaige forced me to watch it so we could get more movies that wouldn’t sit around. Please forgive me, Cthulhu.

 

It’s hard to tell the difference between official movie stills and erotic robot photoshop projects

 

You might be wondering what happens in the opening scene in this movie, and so am I. Something happens involving robots in disguise, I’d be willing to bet, and some of them are bad, others less bad. Whatever, it’s so fucking stupid. We learn that Shia LaDouche is going off to college without his love, that dumb cunt Megan Fox, nor with his car, Bumblebee. As the family is getting ready to leave, we see two dogs humping. More specifically, a smaller dog humping a bigger dog. Get it? Fuck. Twenty minutes it and this is what it’s come to. At college, something happens with LaDouche that involves awkward roommates and girls. There really isn’t any filter in my brain as far as what was important to this story and what wasn’t, or maybe Michael Bay had no filter either. This whole time, the bad robots are trying to bring the super mega-bad robot back from underwater death, supposedly because of some other bad robot, who is even more super meg-bad than the underwater one. I use words like “super” and “mega” because I’m pretty sure those words were in the script. There ends up being a “hot chick” bad guy robot that seduces LaDouche, and there are awkward, theoretically ”funny” moments of confusion between LaDouche and Megan Fox where she thinks he’s cheating on him…BUT NO NO NO, IT WAS A ROBOT! HAHAHA IT’S SO FUNNY AND AWKWARD! Also, LaDouche’s parents are constantly making sexual references, which is just gut-busting. As in, it quakes your bowels. Eventually, we get to see Optimus Prime fight some bad guy robots in the woods, which was kind of fun, but dies. Boo hoo.

 

These are the dogs that hump each other

 

Lucky for Mr. LaDouche, he remembers having visions of strange symbols, which through the help of John Turturro realizes he can go to the pyramids in Egypt to find a dagger to stab Optimus in the heart and bring him back to life. pretty convenient that there is also a super-mega-gnarly-bad guy weapon hiding in a different pyramid. Glad to see that John Turturro survived getting peed on by a dog AND a robot in the first one to reprise his dignified role in the sequel. Did I mention Megan “The Whore” Fox getting humped by a small robot? I don’t remember when that happened, but it did. Maybe the dogs humping was just foreshadowing of this moment, as opposed to arbitrary yuk-yuks. Yeah, that’s what it was. They find the dagger, Shia LaDouche gets killed and sees the robot Gods, because apparently when humans die, they finally get to meet their deities…which are robots…but they bring him back to life. Then he brings Optimus Prime back to life, but not until after John Turturro sees a robot from behind and underneath, noticing its “scrotum”, according to Turturro, which are played by two giant wrecking balls. Apparently the robots do indeed have their own sexes and genders, and have external reproductive organs, which can mean nothing less than the fact that baby robots come from adult robots fucking each other. SO MUCH SCIENCE! From there, Optimus kills the bad guys, and I think that’s the end, but there might have been some fart or balls or dog humping jokes in there, I can’t really remember.

 

Megan Fox is a stupid cunt. I’m just including this picture so that hopefully anyone looking for pictures of her comes across this page, and sees those dog pictures. I seriously think that this stupid cunt is just a computer generated image, with the proper boob-waist-hip proportions. There’s no way this thing is a real human.

 

For as shitty as this movie was, because, trust me, it was shitty, really fucking shitty, so very, very shitty, it was, wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, it was fucking awful. As if the first one wasn’t shitty enough, and let me remind you it was fucking awful, so very fucking awful…I’m losing track of what I wanted to say. I hope that one day Zack Snyder gets to make a movie with Michael Bay, can you imagine that? The title of the movie, of course, would be “Robot Boobs Explode Mountain Dew Truck of Fire…in Slow Motion”. I might be all over the place with this review, but I feel like watching this movie gave me a concussion. Even Rampaige chimed in and said “Why does everything in this movie…look like that?” I had to explain that every single one of Michael Bay’s movies are orange, over saturated, with high contrast. I think we then starting talking about Armageddon, and I started crying, then said “Armageddon outta here!” Okay okay, back to this movie, which was fucking terrible. The one thing…and I mean ONE thing that I will credit it with over the first movie is that the action scenes with robot fights took place out int he open, instead of in between buildings. You could make out more easily the difference between background and robot, whereas the first one made it difficult to differentiate. Other than that, it was just as shitty as the first, but I still might go see the third movie so I can see Chicago get the shit kicked out of it.

Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 1 Star, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Predators (2010) [REVIEW]

June 13, 2011 5 Comments

 

Have I ever seen the first Predator, start to finish? No, I don’t think I have. I know who is in it, and a general idea of what happens, but I don’t think I ever had the desire nor the attention span to dedicate time to the original.  I do remember watching predator 2 because I borrowed it from a friend right before I moved out of an apartment because all my DVDs were packed, and even then I only kind of remember a Danny Glover vs. Predator fist fight. The Alien vs. Predator movies both kind of sucked, so I really have no idea why I watched this movie in the first place. I guess I figured that the involvement of Robert Rodriguez would make it a more entertaining movie? I’m just trying to say that I had low expectations for this movie, but it showed up on Netflix, so obviously had to watch it. Damn!

 

LOOKS LIKE BRODY-MAN’S BEEN WORKIN’ OUT

 

Adrien Brody, also known as Brody-Man, also known as the character of “Royce” in this film, is seen falling through the sky, having a parachute open, and land on the ground. He sees a few other people on the ground, and one thing they have in common is that none of them know where they are or how they got there. Through talking to one another, they find out they are all deadly people, whether they are mercenaries, prisoners, or members of the Yakuza. After trying to figure out where they are, they determine that they are not even on Earth, and then get attacked by alien dog monsters. After following those tracks, they come across an imprisoned alien predator, and get the feeling that some crazy shit is going on. The group finds Laurence Fishburne, also known as Larry, who admits that he’s been living on this planet for years. I  guess there was something about two different kinds of predators and they hate each other or some sort of backstory, I don’t know, but Brody-Man kills Larry, but not before Larry gives away the plot points that the alien predators are honing their hunting skills by killing the strongest members of other planets. Eventually Brody-Man kills some of the predators, including an homage to the original involving mud and fire, only to end the movie with Brody-Man and some lady watching as a new group of recruits lands on the planet. Is this the end of Brody-Man?

 

Apparently this was a new kind of predator. Looks exactly the fucking same to me. Go figure!

 

Some people might get cranky over the fact that I left out some of the plot details because I got bored typing them, but fuck those people. I don’t think not mentioning the Topher Grace double-cross or the fact that the planet was a “game preserve” will reduce the quality of this movie, or my thoughts. Topher Grace claims to have been the one to set everything up, which means there has to be some sort of human/predator communication? How the fuck did that happen? And how did they find Topher Grace? Did they were trenchcoats and ask to meet him in a dark alley? I guess this movie was entertaining enough, but didn’t really do much for me either way. I’m sure that big predator fans will be annoyed at this movie just at its mere existence, but I didn’t really mind it or find it that much worse than the Alien vs. Predator movies. Really the only thing of note that I took away from this movie was seeing Brody-Man as somewhat of an asshole, and the one scene where a predator grabs a guy’s spine and rips it out completely, all the way up to and including his skull. Gnarly.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fright Night (1985) [REVIEW]

June 12, 2011 4 Comments

 

The first time I watched this movie was when I first learned of what “On Demand” was. Is it still called that? I think it is. I was excited that there were a whole bunch of “free” movies that I could watch, any time I wanted! I also had cable in my apartment, which is something I haven’t really had since then. I figured that since I only watched it that one time, and with the new version of this movie coming out, I should watch the old one again. Seeing the trailer for the new one in theaters just made me mad, because it reminded me that the general public doesn’t necessarily like the same things I do. That means that when I trailer for a tongue-in-cheek remake of a “horror” movie from the 80′s pops up, and the audience moans and groans, I want to stand up and yell at them. Then I remembered that I might not even like this movie anymore anyways, so I’ll just watch it and then complain about those people on the internet.



BUSTED! This is the face of sexuality in 1985. Oh my, how the times have changed.



There’s a new neighbor moving in next to Charley, played by William Ragsdale (yes, the guy from Herman’s Head), and he notices movers bringing in a coffin. This piques his interest, so he starts checking out who moves in. He sees someone who the 80′s would describe as sensual and attractive, which we know to be true, because we see this guy with a naked lady. After seeing the sexy neighbor bite, and supposedly kill the lady, Charley realizes his neighbor is a vampire. Knowing that no one will believe him anyway, the neighbor, played by Chris Sarandon, taunts Charley by threatening his girlfriend and mom. Charley seeks advice with the actor of some of his favorite vampire movies, thinking the actor can help. While initially humoring Charley, the actor learns that this neighbor really is a vampire, so they begin to plot and scheme how to take him down. Eventually they, well, succeed, and kill the vampire. The actor then appears on television saying he is no longer going to be in vampire movies, but instead will be in alien slashers. Before the credits roll, there is a voice of one of Charley’s friends who was turned into some sort of dog creature, implying a sequel.



I did enjoy the Big Trouble in Little China-esque makeup effects, that’s for damn sure



What happens when you combine movies like The Lost Boys, Night of the Creeps, and Rear Window? YOU GET THIS MOVIE! Not to say that this movie took things from those movies, because that would be difficult, especially since this movie came out before two of them. However, I think Lost Boys is a lot more popular than this movie, I was just using it as a reference. The whole tone of the movie is unclear as to whether or not they are intentionally cheesy and are self-aware, or if this movie was made in the 80′s and is cheesy and weird because it was the 80′s. It’s hard to say that this movie is scary, because looking back, some elements were quite over-the-top and silly, yet not so silly that it was laughable. Add to that the fact that the first time I saw this story, it was an installment of Are You Afraid of the Dark? and wasn’t scared then, either. Watching it 25 years after it first came out, I can appreciate it for being a fun movie now, as well as an even more fun movie back then. I can’t really knock it or anything for the dialogue or effects, and have a feeling that most of the people who really love this movie enjoy it on a nostalgic level. On that note, I don’t think the remake will be all that good, despite the fact that they chose someone who is a little bit more of a hunk for the sexy neighbor vampire. I’ve mentioned in previous entires the difficulty of making a movie that is funny AND scary, and that you typically can’t fake the inherent humor of movies from the 80′s, but I suppose vampires are popular now, and so are remakes, so why not give it a shot.


Wolfman Moon Scale


IMDb
Netflix
Amazon DVD

Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older posts

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 653 other followers