Fuck. Why do I do these things to myself? When I watched all the Friday the 13th/Halloween/Hellraiser/Nightmare on Elm Street movies, at least there were other people out there who could debate the quality of all of those. What has brought me to waste my time watching three of these movies? Maybe it was because the first one showed some glimpse of creativity and I keep holding out for the filmmakers to capitalize on it, maybe I am just hoping that Eliza Dushku will return, I have no fucking clue. Today certainly marks a momentous occasion…from here on out, if a movie is available on Blu-ray, I’ll post the Amazon link to buy that instead of the DVD. If you don’t have a Blu-ray player by now, what are you doing with your life?
DICK JOKE DICK JOKE DICK JOKE.
Two couples are white-water rafting and the two females decide to do some sunbathing. After about 20 seconds of sunbathing, one chick takes her top off. THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD. The clothed chick leaves, and the douchebag boyfriend comes over to the topless one. They have a discussion about how cool her boobs are and he starts honking them. The dialogue is something along the lines of, “I could hold your boobs all da–AAHHHHH!!!!”, because he’s interrupted by an arrow shooting through her boob and into his hand. We then see an arrow go through the girl’s eye, causing the eye to pop out of her head. The guy runs through the woods and is then split in two by an axe, and the guy from the other couple somehow gets sliced apart, and the remaining girl hides in the woods. The movie really could have ended right there and I would have given it a better rating, but there was a whole 90 minutes more of shit that wasted my time.
If only I could remember what happens immediately after this scene……..
OH THAT’S RIGHT…
BLAMMO! SHOT TO THE EYE!
We are introduced to a few prisoners who are getting on a prison bus to go somewhere else, and I think we are supposed to be learning background information through some character development, but it really, really doesn’t matter. What does matter? This bus is driving through the evil woods where the mongoloids live and you know that everyone’s going to die. The bus flips over or something, and there’s that whole role reversal of the prisoners taking charge of the guards and bossing them around. One by one, prisoners and guards are getting picked off by the retarded killers until the girl who survived the opening attack makes an appearance. I guess we’re supposed to care about her not dying? I guess, whatever. Something starts happening with one of the convicts hiding money, and, well, to be honest, this movie might as well have been on mute because I wasn’t listening to ANY of the dialogue. Eventually the girl gets captured by the wood mutant, and subsequently rescued, and then everyone gets saved? Or something? And the final scene shows the guard escaping with the money, only to be killed by a convict who was following him, to then see the convict being approached by one of the killers with some sort of bloody weapon. THE FUCKING END.
Sure, those lines might LOOK drawn on by a marker, but that’s just the latest in special effects technology
Same shit, different title. I’m serious when I say that you can stop watching the movie after the first ten minutes, because it’s all downhill from there. The weird thing about this movie is that after watching a glimpse of the behind the scenes shit, I realized it was filmed in Bulgaria, which, last I checked, wasn’t in the United States. Also, pretty much every actor was British, with the exception of two, and everyone pretended to have American accents. I guess the whole “inbred woodsmen become killers” concept is a universal one, as opposed to only existing here in America. Even though I’m not going to give this installment a better rating than the previous film, I have to admit that it was a little more engaging. That’s really not saying much, considering how awful the last one was, but it was a little less absurd than the whole gameshow concept. This one didn’t have Rollins though, so I guess it’s a toss-up between whether you prefer boobs or Henry, which I know is a debate that will keep you up at night.
Wolfman Moon Scale