First off, I am probably three months behind with all comic books because I am trying to save money. Secondly, I only read a handful of DC comic books anyway, so I didn’t really care all that much. However, after realizing there are 52 new titles coming out soon, I might actually be interested in some of them being placed in my slot so I can buy them in December. The following is a list of the comics I might look into to see if they are any good. Before I go any further, keep in mind that these are merely ones I’m interested in, and doesn’t mean I’ll buy them. I’ll probably pick them up, look at them, and ask someone for help.
Justice League
Formerly known as the Justice League of America, and sometimes known as “the comic that I’ve never really paid any attention to” to some. Mainly me. I really like Geoff Johns, and it’s got some characters I like, so I might check it out. This is also the first of the new 52 and is intended to be a flagship title with Geoff Johns writing and Jim Lee as the artist, so hopefully it lives up to that combination.
Batman/Detective Comics/Batman & Robin/Batman: The Dark Knight
Don’t really know which one to go with here and will wait and see what people are saying. I currently only read Batman as well as Batman and Robin, but was at one point reading all four. Now that everything is starting over, I have no allegiance to any of the titles, but like to read Batman and will hopefully keep up with at least one of these. Also, I totally thought I used the same image twice, then just realized the artwork for Batman & Robin is quite similar to Batman: The Dark Knight. You assholes.
Green Lantern/Red Lanterns
Will definitely be reading Green Lantern, as it is still Geoff Johns, and will hopefully hear some good things about Red Lanterns. Not necessarily the characters themselves that I enjoy, but the idea of their spectrum being based on rage and the angrier they are, the stronger they are really hits close to home. I’ve heard there is a Red Lantern cat though which is bullshit because cats are shitty.
Green Arrow
This is one that I want to be good, but will not be surprised if I don’t read it. It looks like Oliver Queen will be younger and “edgier”, and I enjoyed the cranky old liberal with a goatee. Who knows, this book might take that town, but it seems as though he might be shaping up to be more similar to Marvel’s Hawkeye.
Birds of Prey
I don’t know too much about these characters, but I like Black Canary, possibly only because I like Green Arrow. Anyways, this is a series I have wanted to start reading for quite some time, but never found an easy enough starting point and just got lazy. Hopefully this will change that.
Swamp Thing
I’ve only ever read some of Alan Moore’s Swamp Thing, but I liked it. I wished I had read more! I’m hoping for monsters having sex with ladies.
Justice League Dark
Again, I’ve only ever read some of Hellblazer, but John Constantine seems like a cool dude. And despite the fact that her fishnets now look like she bought them at Hot Topic, I think Zatanna is pretty neat, too. And it’s got “Dark” in the title, which implies that the subject matter will be less bright! Easy decision.
Well folks, that’s it. I don’t know when any of these come out, so I guess I’ll resort to just going to my local comic book store and asking what came out that week, and then buying it. Sounds simple enough that even a moron like me won’t be able to fuck it up!
Between all of the shitty movies I watch, there are occasionally these unique films that stand out amongst everything. There are movies that cause an emotional, sometimes even physical reaction. I went into this movie expecting it to be another mindless contemporary slasher movie and was completely shocked at what this film really was. I was so blown away with how this movie wasn’t just bad, it was mind-numbingly bad. This movie was so fucking awful, between the actors, the writing, the effects, the dialogue, the sound, the plot, really just everything possible was so fucking bad, it almost came back around to being good again. How is that possible? I’m really going to try to keep some sort of order to what the fuck took place in this movie, but if I go off on a tangent because I have lost my mind just trying to wrap my head around this movie, I apologize ahead of time.
Brad Dourif plays a creepy guy in this movie? Weird.
From the opening montage you really get a grasp of how this piece of shit is going to try to warn us about the dangers of technology, even mentioning how scary Y2K was. Seriously? They’re using Y2K to try to scare us over a decade after everyone realized it was bullshit? Ugh. Next, we see a happy couple getting into their cars to go to work int he morning, only to then see chains attached from their bumpers to a woman who is bound and gagged in their garage. As they drive forward, they pull this woman into traffic, and right when the woman gets ripped in two, the title shows up. The cast of characters we are going to be following are a group of high schoolers that are all friends or something I guess. After meeting them all, we see the “nerdy” one getting a chain letter in his email later that night. His sister sees this, and as if this is the first time anyone has ever received a chain letter in their email, she loses her mind with terror and forwards it to her five friends. We see the people who have gotten these letters, and every single one of them gets to have a “Whoa, a chain letter? I am NOT messing with THIS!” moment, or a “Chain letter? This is so lame!” moment. Let’s just say that those teens who deleted the email shouldn’t have done that! The first guy is apprehended at the gym and has chains tied to his arms to lift him up off of the floor. Rampaige got grossed out at that part. Once lifted, the bad guy cut his achilles tendons, which probably hurt. The bad guy, whose arms we could glimpse just long enough to see a bunch of tattoos of chains on them, uses a big thick chain to rub on the guys face until his head falls apart. When detectives arrive, they look at the manager of the gym and are all like “Hey man, were these chains here before? Randomly dangling from the ceiling?”, and the manager is all “No way man, that’s totally not how I run this place.” The detectives take note of this, as if chains will be a recurring plot point.
You’re telling me that you’ve never been to a gym that has chains hanging from the ceiling in the middle of it? Where are you from, Idiot Town?
This is what shit starts getting real. And by getting real, I mean getting shittier and shittier. There’s a scene where a guy is crushed by an engine…..WHICH WAS BEING HELD UP BY CHAINS! THE CHAIN KILLER STRIKES AGAIN! The chain killer man then goes to kill the next lady on the list who deleted the letter, and of course, interrupts her in the bath. He then smashes through a window and THEN a wall to kill her, which he doesn’t. What’s our detective, Keith David, doing while this is happening? TRACING THE ORIGINS OF THE CHAIN HE FOUND. OF COURSE THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING. While tracing these chains, he finds some old guy wearing glasses who acts like these chains are fucking magical, and when Keith David is all like “Hey man, where’s your wife?”, and that old guy flips out and yells “SHE’S DEAD!” like a fucking asshole, so Keith David runs for his life. Does this make too much sense so far? Well, good, you’re in luck, because things start making even less sense.
The origins of street luging. Sadly, I don’t think that duct tape helmet will protect much.
Around this time, the detectives track the origins of the chain letter to some sort of “terrorist group” focused on destroying technology. They use a lot more Y2K references and mention the Unabomber like anyone gives a shit. At the same time, the main girl also manages to find that the chain letter has origins in the occult. She finds this information……by Googling it. WHY DID IT TAKE THIS ASSBITCH FIVE MINUTES ON GOOGLE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT TOOK OUR DETECTIVES GODDAMNED FUCKING WEEKS TO LEARN. When Keith David investigates the origins of the chains in a factory, he finds a kid tied up in chains. When he goes to unchain the chained teen, a chain reaction occurs that chains a chain to a chain chain chain chain FUCK SORRY. Don’t know what happened there. The kid catches on fire and the detective is assaulted by chain man, and while he is being attacked, he receives a voicemail from another cop. Apparently all the members of the anti-technology cult have bar code tattoos, and we get a flashback showing a guy that Keith David spoke to was involved in this cult, as was the teacher that the students had in school. Then we learn that the bitch who was tied up in the beginning was the lead girl, because she eventually got caught for not sending in the chain letter quickly enough. AND THEN IT JUST FUCKING ENDS WITH NO EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE FUCK HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR THE PAST 90 BULLSHIT ASSHOLE MINUTES.
I posted this on Twitter, but in case you don’t follow me (you idiot), here’s a picture I took of my TV. Notice anything weird about the computer monitor? Here, I’ll zoom in…
THEY COULDN’T EVEN PRETEND LIKE THE DETECTIVE WAS DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT AT ALL, OTHER THAN BEING TOLD “HEY MAN, TYPE SOME SHIT”, AND HAVE KEITH DAVID RUB HIS DICK ON THE KEYBOARD AND SIT BACK DOWN. COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST SHUT THE FUCKING MONITOR OFF? FUCK.
Are you as confused as I am? I mean, Jesus fucking Cthulhu, what were these people thinking? Who was the guy with the chain tattoos? Why was he killing these kids? How did he have access to the internet? Was he involved with the curse? What was the curse? Was the anti-technology cult involved in the chain letters? How were they involved? How does killing teenagers prevent technology? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY GODDAMNED QUESTIONS ABOUT SUCH A PILE OF SHIT? It’s like the writers of this movie looked at a big chain on the street and said “WHOA BRO, THAT THING IS SCARY. WHAT IF A KILLER FREAK USED THAT AS A MURDER WEAPON? HOLY SHIT, WHAT IF HE HAD CHAIN TATTOOS TO MAKE HIM LOOK EXTRA BRUTAL? BUT WAIT, WHY WOULD A CHAIN TATTOO GUY KILL PEOPLE WITH A CHAIN? HOLY SHIT, CHAIN LETTERS ARE SO FREAKY. WHAT IF THERE WAS A CHAIN GUY TATTOO KILLER CHAIN GUY WHO KILLED CHAIN LETTER BREAKERS WITH A CHAIN? HMMM….I NEED MORE THAN THAT, SO, UH…(Googles reasons people are scared of the internet)…HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT THIS Y2K SHIT! EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS! I’VE FINALLY COMPLETED MY MASTERPIECE, SO IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH A 2 LITER OF MOUNTAIN DEW.” Sorry guys, might have just lost it there, so I’ll just leave it at that.
You might also know this movie by the title “Camp Hope”. No? You don’t? No one else does either. I can’t really remember what caused me to watch this movie, I think other than the fact that my Xbox wouldn’t fucking shut up about how I could pay to see it. I guess I figured I would pander to the Xbox crowd and give them something they wanted, which was a review of this shit. I also remember them constantly promoting that Jesse ” We can’t afford Michael Cera” Eisenberg being in it by having him on the DVD cover art. If you hate Jesse Eisenberg, don’t worry, because he’s in it for all of five fucking minutes. I could really care less whether or not he was in it, but are we seriously still trying to trick people by saying a “big name” star is in it a lot by having them on the cover? Fuck you, marketing people who promoted this movie.
There’s an extended sequence involving these two dry humping, which is supposedly them having sex. Actually, this might be the guy’s sister? I don’t give a shit.
This movie takes place at Jesus Camp. I know what you’re thinking, and no, they didn’t have to go further than just showing the documentary “Jesus Camp”, but instead, this movie has this whole plot thing going on. Or at least, it attempts to. It’s not too often that I just give up on a movie for not being good, and when I fell asleep halfway through it, I almost never finished it. Having sucked an hour of my life, I figured I watch where it went. The first hour shows these kids at a strict Jesus camp, having people talk about how bad it is to jerk off and fuck and shit, and then some real evil shit starts happening. Apparently there are demons in the woods that are after the campers? I guess the movie was one of those “Holy shit these religious people are crazy…but what if they were right?” kinds of things, because at the end, the main priest is in a hospital and the main teenager throws a Bible out the window of his moving car.
Mostly just posting this image to be the only review on the internet of this film to not use an image of Jesse Eisenberg.
WHAT THE FUCK. I even read other people’s reviews of this film and nobody really seemed to have any fucking clue what was going on. Something about demons and jerking off though, that’s for damn sure. Was anything bad actually happening? Was any of it real? One the one hand, I wish I remembered more about this movie so I could talk about it more accurately, but on the other hand, it was a piece of shit and I am glad to have forgotten most of it. Maybe Rampaige was right to have refused to finish watching it, because boy oh boy, did this thing suck. I can’t really hold it against Jesse Eisenberg though, because he barely fucking did anything in it. Good thing his face is so big on some of the posters. Don’t watch this movie, you’ll regret it. Because it sucks. It’s terrible. NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AT ALL. I’ll just stop typing right now.
2010? 2011? WHAT THE FUCK?! Oh, this movie was made a year or two ago and was originally going to be released in 2010 but isn’t getting an actual release for a few more days. BUT I FUCKING SAW IT! It was one of those preview screening things and it was bullshit because they stole our phones. They made us put them in these high-tech manilla envelopes and I was nervous they’d see all the naked pictures I have of the dog. Whoops! Before we go any further, I’d like to mention that no, I haven’t seen the original. Why? Because I didn’t really give too much of a shit about it to track it down. I knew that Guillermo del Toro was behind this remake, at least as a producer and co-writer, and it had to do with little goblin creatures. Would you believe that Guillermo would be involved in a movie about scary little goblin creatures? He is! And it’s this movie! As a warning, this one might have spoilers, but they shouldn’t be too spoil-y considering this is a remake.
Guy Pearce? What are you doing here, you super stud! You are from Australia!
The film starts in an old timey mansion where we see the assumed owner of the mansion trip his maid on the stairs and then smash her teeth out of her head with a chisel. He offers them to unseen creatures who live in a hole in his basement, but he gets sucked in and is never heard from again. Cut to present day and we see Guy Pearce’s character, Alex, picking up his daughter, played by Bailee Madison, from the airport. They make their way back to the house that he has bought and is remodeling which is, surprise surprise, the mansion from the opening. We learn that the little girl was sent to live with her father in this new house, which isn’t something that the two of them are really all too excited about. Add to that the fact that the daughter, Sally, also has to adjust to her new quasi-stepmom, Kim, played by Katie Holmes. As the three adjust to life together, Sally discovers that there are small creatures in the basement that she can talk to, who seem to want to be her friend. When she unlocks the barrier that has clearly kept these creatures trapped in a hole for 200 years, that’s when shit starts getting serious.
Holy shit, remember when Katie Holmes was a “sex symbol”? Then everyone saw her boobs in The Gift? And now she is Tom Cruise’s zombie? That’s sad.
It starts with Sally hearing these creatures in and around her bedroom, which make her a little nervous. She also finds out that they are afraid of the light, but this doesn’t seem to matter much as they are trying to be friends with Sally. These creatures start destroying Kim’s clothes and stealing small objects, all the while Sally is being blamed with the presumption that she’s “adjusting”. When Sally tries to confront the creatures, their malicious intentions become obvious and Sally begins to fear for her life. With Kim trying to figure out what could be happening, she goes to the library to learn more about the former owner of the house. The previous owner was a famous artist whose last drawings were of these creatures that Sally had been describing. When it comes time to move out of the house to get away from these creatures, they gather up enough little goblins to overtake Alex, Kim, and start trying to drag Sally down to their world. In a final effort, Kim frees Sally, but instead Kim is the one pulled down to this world, never to be seen again. Some months later, Alex and Sally return to the home and leave a drawing intended for Kim. The camera then goes down into the basement to hear the goblins talking to one another, and we then he a goblin-ized version of Kim’s voice explaining how they have all the time in the world to wait for Alex and Sally to come back to be captured.
I’m glad they didn’t take the “Technology will find the answer!” approach in this movie and kept it relatively lo-fi feel to it. Just look at that old timey digital camera! That’s digital, right? Attached to a mini printer?
This movie was another one of those cases of having one good thing I liked, and one bad thing I didn’t like. For example, I thought the little girl did a good job, but then we had to deal with Katie Holmes. I enjoyed that early in the movie, the goblins were just shown in the shadows and their eyes were reflective like all those nightvision nature shows, which was cool, but then they were shown too regularly and they ended up being silly looking instead of scary. The few “scare’ moments were pretty successful, judging by the reactions of everyone else in the theater. It did seem a little long, even though it was only an hour and forty-five minutes. I walked out of the theater feeling underwhelmed, wishing for something as terrifying as The Orphanage was. Ya know, because Guillermo del Toro was also involved in the non-directing aspect of things. But then I went home and learned a little bit more about the original and…
SPOILER ALERT: This is what the goblin’s face looks like. Well, it’s not actually a spoiler, since this is an image from the trailer, you idiot.
This is one of the few movies where doing research made me enjoy it more, in retrospect. The more and more I thought about some of the themes and concepts, the more and more creepy I thought it was. In the original, it is supposedly made clear that these goblins are trying to take their victim to make that person “one of them”. This was never expressed in the remake, but lends credence to why we heard Kim’s goblin voice at the end. Also, in a scene where Sally leaves a tooth under her pillow and wakes up the next morning with an old coin underneath it brings about a new, more terrifying concept of where the Tooth Fairy came from. No, I don’t mean that movie starring The Rock. Those hints at a larger mythology are what really made this movie more than what I had anticipated, and even if the movie itself wasn’t blowing my mind, I really enjoyed the creativity and mythology involved. I can easily complain about not having enough of that backstory as to why these little creatures existed, why they were there, and all that other bullshit, but I know that if I had gotten that information, I’d wish there was more mystery. I might not watch this movie repeatedly but I can certainly enjoy and respect what they were attempting to accomplish.
Would you believe that there was a movie that I was getting through Netflix that I was actually looking forward to? It’s John Carpenter and it’s about some sort of asylum or institution place, and I could have only assumed it was haunted. When it was playing in theaters, the closest place it was showing was about 40 minutes away, and there was no way I was driving that far for some bullshit, and was excited that this was out on home video. Before we go any further, I am going to warn you that I am going to spoil the end of this movie, and that it is a twist ending. The ending didn’t necessarily make the movie that much more enjoyable, but I didn’t really see it coming and thought it was interesting…kind of.
Just look at those shitty, shitty extensions. Apparently they didn’t have combs back in the 60′s.
Amber heard plays Kristen, who is apparently a girl who likes to set houses on fire, considering that is the first thing we see her doing. Because she did this, and also because they gave her horrible, disgusting extensions in this movie that looked like dreadlocks, she ends up in a mental institution. The movie takes place in 1966, so clearly the methods of treating mental “issues” were a little bit different back then. Kristen is in a ward with a few other young and attractive women with varying degrees of “issues”. Kristen gets the feeling that the doctors and other patients are hiding something because she keeps having visions of a ghost coming after her. While trying to escape the institution, Kristen also notices that other patients from her ward seem to be disappearing one by one, and the doctor she interacts with seems to be hiding something.
You leave that British guy from Mad Men alone!
After interrogating other patients, Kristen discovers that there was a girl who lived in that ward before Kristen who kept trying to escape, resulting in all of the girls being punished. The other patients decided to take matters into their own hands and killed this girl named “Alice” and it is their belief that her ghost has decided to come back and kill them, one by one. Well, they are right, because we see the ghost/zombie of Alice killing all the other girls. Eventually, Kristen is the only one left, and after successfully “killing” Alice by chopping her in the chest with an axe, which is strange because she was already a ghost, she wanders into her doctor’s office. It’s there that Kristen sees her own file, only to realize that none of the other patients were real. Apparently Alice is the real name of Kristen, and Kristen, along with all the other patients, were just different personalities that were built up as a defense mechanism. When Alice was a young girl, she was chained up and tormented for two months, causing her mental breakdown. After being institutionalized, her real personality, which was the ghost looking Alice, was destroying the multiple personalities so that eventually the only one left was Alice. After hearing this, Kristen turns around to see Alice, and the two crash out of a window, killing the final personality. Now that Alice was “cured” she was allowed to go home, but as soon as she packs her things and takes one last look in the mirror, we see Kristen come crashing out to attack, and then the credits roll.
See, now THIS is a mental institution I could get behind! Just a bunch of hotties with low standards dancing around. Consider me CRAZY.
Remember that movie “Identity” with John Cusack and Amanda Peet? And remember how halfway through the movie you learned that John Cusack and Amanda Peet were just personalities inside a big fat guy’s mind? This movie was clearly very similar to that movie, with one big difference. This one wasn’t shitty. The problem with Identity was that they told you halfway through the movie that none of the characters were real, so why should you care about anything that happens to anyone? The Ward was able to achieve a better result with a similar concept by making that surprising realization the conclusion as opposed to making the conclusion be about which personality survived. I was so convinced that Alice was a ghost that I got pissed when she was defeated by an axe. You can even ask Rampaige, she’ll back me up. She’ll also back me up on the shitty, disgusting extensions, which might not have annoyed me as much had Rampaige not constantly been talking about them. Man, how disgusting are extensions? Anyways, I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed this movie, despite not reinventing the wheel. I also wondered whether or not it was important to have this movie take place in 1966, but then it became clear that electrotherapy was something that was somewhat acceptable, along with all the other ways these patients were treated. Was entertaining and kept my attention, but certainly not John Carpenter’s best.
I am including two different posters for this movie not because that bitch from Twilight is some super hottie or whatever, I just thought it was hilarious that they used the same exact picture and just changed the outfits. Whether or not the picture was even originally of that bitch from Twilight is probably up for debate, and maybe they just photoshopped her face right on there. According to Netflix, I’ve seen this movie before. I know what you’re asking, you’re asking how I could have seen it and not remembered it. Well how the fuck should I know the answer to that question? I have vague memories of watching it while at work and just poking my head into the theater sporadically, but I don’t think I actually watched it start to finish. I remember that bitch from Twilight was in it and remember it had something to do with ghosts on a farm, but what movie DIDN’T have ghosts on a farm in 2007? Wasn’t there one with Buffy that year too, in addition to the sequel to The Grudge? Goddammit, why are there so many movies that are exactly the same?
I forgot to mention that Dylan McDermott Mulrooney is in this. Hahaha get it? I combined two actors names because they are similar! Oh that was a good one.
Kristen Stewart (that Twilight bitch) is moving to a new house in the country with her family. If you want to know what the house looks like, just close your eyes and picture the most haunted looking house that you can, and this is what that house looks like. After being at the house a while and finding frustrations in not knowing how to fucking farm, the toddler of the family appears to be seeing things. I should mention that the taglines and trailers of this movie imply that little kids can see things that others can’t. Also, people watching a movie can see things that characters in the movie can’t, because it’s not fucking real life and there aren’t any rules. Anyways, a good farmer guy stops by the house and offers his assistance because he is so awesome at being a farmer. The longer the family is there, the more and more that Twilight bitch starts seeing weird ghost stuff. We then learn that her parents don’t trust or believe her because the reason they moved to the country was because she got into an accident while driving drunk, depleting their resources. What a bitch. Twilight bitch then makes the discovery that the ghosts she is seeing are the former residents that were murdered, and they were murdered by the farm helper guy! Noooo!!! Apparently he used to live there and when his crops failed, he killed his family. He snaps and starts trying to kill the family, but the ghosts swoop in and kill him in dirt before he can hurt anyone else. I guess then the family has good crops or whatever and everyone is happy.
Holy shit, I forgot about this part. There’s a stain on the wall that the mom keeps washing, but just keeps getting worse and worse every day. Then, a fucking ghost comes out of the stain. There must be a dead body behind that stain, right? NOPE. NOTHING RELATIVE TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN IT WAS A STAIN ON SHITTY WALLPAPER. That’s annoying.
IF YOU FUCKING MURDERED YOUR FAMILY AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE, WHY WOULD YOU GO BACK THERE TO HANG OUT?! Fuck. I mean, had they made it a little more clear as to how this guy didn’t remember any of it, I might have let it slide, but did you really need to make it that obvious? Granted, you didn’t necessarily think he was an asshole when you were introduced to him, and it was somewhat of a surprise that he had murdered his family, but why couldn’t he have gone next door? I mean, maybe this guy was murdering people all over town and it didn’t matter where he was helping, but it seems like if he was aware of his murderous past, he wouldn’t go back to hang out where he murdered the shit out of everyone. But if he had no idea, it would have made a little bit more sense to give some backstory as to why this guy was wandering around the countryside looking for work by showing up at people’s houses. Other than that, I suppose it was a pretty typical contemporary haunted house story where we find out the ghosts aren’t trying to hurt anyone, but rather warn them or whatever. They also really never followed through on the importance of the little kid seeing things, because his older sister, who wasn’t a baby, also saw stuff. A little misleading, I guess, but it’s not like the promotional materials made it sound like a unique or original ghost story. Nothing too awful about this movie, but also nothing that warrants a repeat viewing.
Do you know those kinds of movies where you see the trailer and immediately say “Oh man, I’m totally going to see that movie when it comes out!”, only to not ever see that movie when it comes out? Well, that’s what this movie was for me. Maybe it was because I had seen the fake Machete trailer years ago, and then saw that it turned into an actual movie that I had discredited these new “grindhouse” type films that I waited so long to see it. Some things really do seem too good to be true. With this movie, the title alone is awesome enough that I had doubts any movie could live up to that, especially considering the titular hobo was played by none other than Rutger Hauer. In retrospect, I’m glad that I watched this movie after the “hype” around it died down, because it definitely made it more enjoyable.
Poor, poor little Abby. One day, someone will come and rescue you from the yellow world you live in.
Right from the opening credits you realize you are watching a movie intended to be an homage to films from the 70′s that had these long, boring opening sequences with all of the credits being shown right away. In fact, Rampaige asked if this was an old movie or a new one because it was so convincing. A rail-riding, shotgun-less hobo makes his way into Hope Town, which has had its signs changed to “Scum Town”, and the hobo gets a sense that nobody gives a shit about any of the crimes that take place. He sees prostitutes, muggers, and children being kidnapped, and no one is doing anything about it. While in town, he sees a lawnmower, which sparks an idea in his head to raise enough money to buy a lawnmower so he can start his own business and maybe get back on his feet. While exploring the city, he comes across the prostitute Abby, played by Molly Dunsworth, being verbally and physically assaulted. When the hobo intervenes, Abby gives the hobo a place to stay and some new clothes, starting their father/daughter-esque relationship. What the hobo doesn’t know is that he stopped Slick (Gregory Smith), who is the son of Drake (Brian Downey), and Drake is the one who runs the town. From the crimes that take place and even to the police force, Drake is the one running the show. Let’s just say that the hobo picked a bad day to save a hooker, because now Drake has his sights set on him.
It seems to me like giving this guy a duct tape diaper attached to a shotgun wasn’t really an efficient use of time, but who am I to argue with a hobo with a shotgun?
After raising enough money to buy the lawnmower, the hobo goes to the pawn shop, only to have robbers come in and threaten to kill everyone. Our hobo notices that price of the lawnmower is exactly the same as the price of a loaded shotgun, so he grabs that instead and starts killing bad guys. Clearly this man has snapped and is sick of the way people are being treated, so he goes on a rampage killing as many bad guys as he can. This gets Drake pissed off and offers money to citizens for killing any and all homeless people in hopes of getting to the one toting a shotgun. Eventually, these offers catch up to the hobo and he is taken captive by some sort of demonic figures, known as “The Plague”, who appear to work for Drake. Abby, after realizing what has happened, confronts the unruly masses and lectures them about how the homeless are the ones who rule the city, and everyone should fight the cops. Everyone is persuaded to do so, and it all starts by going after Drake. When Abby arrives to see the hobo about to be killed by The Plague, she intervenes and saves the hobo, but not without being critically wounded. When Drake looks to find help, he is only met by the unruly masses, and despite the hobo being about to blow Drake’s head off, he is shot down by the police. Poor little hobo.
Homeless people used to be at risk of catching the plague. Well it appears that this one has to be nervous about The Plague catching HIM! Am I right?!
I’m glad I waited so long to watch this, because it was my low expectations that made me enjoy this movie. I felt as though it was able to honor the tradition of grindhouse movies in all of the blood and death and gratuitous violence, but was well-paced enough that I didn’t get bored. Normally, that’s the issue I have, that no matter how insane older grindhouse movies are, I can get bored and lose interest. Maybe it was because the first death involved someone’s head being ripped off with barbed wire and then having a lady in a bikini start doing stripper moves in the spraying blood that kept me interested in what would happen, but that’s a good a reason as any. I also found Rutger Hauer to successfully portray a sympathetic homeless person that made you want him to succeed, while also balancing the insane personality that you would expect from a hobo with a shotgun. I’m sure grindhouse aficionados could tear this movie apart, but for me, it was just a fun movie. Oh yeah, and the soundtrack is pretty awesome.
Yes, I do own this movie on DVD. Why? Well I’ll fucking tell you if you can wait a goddamned second. The first time I saw this movie was when I was working at a movie theater and I had 90 minutes to kill. I was a projectionist and couldn’t just leave the booth, so I watched this movie in 10 minute increments, knowing that I couldn’t be missing all that much of the plot. Once this movie was released on DVD, I was killing some time in Best Buy before going in to that same job. At this point, I was bringing my laptop and watching movies on DVD, so that way I could pause movies and turn on the closed captioning since it’s loud as shit up there. Seeing that this movie was only five dollars, I figured there were worse ways top spend five dollars. Cut to this past weekend when I went to see Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. The movie theater wanted to show “vintage” trailers, and clearly the trailer for this was lying around. It reminded me that I owned it so I decided to give it another shot and see if there was anything at all worth remembering about this movie.
Rampaige pointed out that Camilla Belle has her mouth open in almost every single shot. Not saying this is a bad thing, just an observation.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before (which you have, especially because this movie is a remake): a high school girl, played by Camilla Belle, is going to babysit for some new people. While there, she starts getting prank phone calls, varying from no one responding, to heavy breathing, to verbal harassment. The babysitter starts getting worried, as she’s alone with the kids somewhere she’s never been, so she decides to call the police and lets them know. They somehow have the power to trace the phone call as she waits to see if this person contacts her again. When that person does, they give clues that make the babysitter think this person can see her, and the cops call back immediately to let the babysitter know that the calls are coming from INSIDE the house. While trying to get the kids out of the house, she is confronted by the mysterious caller. There’s a little bit of cat-and-mouse being played in the house until eventually the babysitter and kids get out, and the caller gets apprehended by the police.
That wet t-shirt certainly is sexy enough to draw young boys into the theater, but is innocent enough that you can pretend you aren’t fulfilling the “babysitter from high school home alone” erotic fantasy!
One of the oldest urban legends/scary stories in the book, so how do you put any sort of original or creative spin on things? Well, don’t give away the fucking ending in the trailer. I mean, they don’t tell you until more than halfway through the film that the killer is in the house, and I’m sure most people would have guessed it, but couldn’t you have at least delayed that “surprise” until people had bought their tickets? Considering you already know exactly what’s going to happen, this movie did hold my attention. The first thing that was enjoyable was that in this “updated” version of the story, the house is technologically advanced, meaning that when you walk in our out of a room, the lights automatically turn on or off, and there is a garden with live birds in it. This caused a few “tense” moments that were variations on just having to slowly open a door to see if there’s anything behind it. I think another thing that could be considered “enjoyable” was Camilla Belle’s performance. Rampaige’s only comment was that her and the other actresses actually looked and acted like high school girls, which I suppose is true, but I also never really thought that the babysitter was an idiot. The concept would make it too simple to have the main character continuously making stupid decisions which would result in putting herself in harm’s way, but things like double-checking the locks and alarms and constantly calling the homeowners made you realize this girl wasn’t an idiot. The opening also established that she was some sort of runner, so when you saw her doing physically strenuous activities, like escaping killers, she didn’t seem like super woman. I did find it weird that she didn’t check on the kids to even see if they existed for the first part of the movie, and always kind of hoped they had capitalized on the kids being involved somehow. Maybe some other weird or creepy thing about the kids could have pushed this remake further. Other than those two things I already mentioned, there’s really no reason to watch this movie and should instead buy the “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark” books.
FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! Oh, that’s right, I know why, it’s becauseI hate myself and deserve to be put through this. Well, okay, not really, but that was the obvious guess. When I saw this movie was coming out, I combined my hatred of Diablo Cody with my hatred of Megan Fox and knew that I never would ever have to even consider seeing this movie. Well, all that shit changed when I heard that Diablo Cody was possibly “rewriting” the script for Evil Dead 4. Who the fuck chose this bitch? I then read a report online for a questionable source saying that Jennifer’s Body was a good “creature feature”, and that was the single, solitary positive comment I have ever heard about this movie. Wondering whether or not this person was crazy, or maybe if other people were crazy for not appreciating this horror movie, I really bit the metaphorical bullet by committing my time to watching this painfully quirky, empty, and pointless pile of dogshit.
Finally, a movie where Megan Fox doesn’t wear makeup. Wait, you’re saying she’s still wearing a shit ton of makeup? I’M SO CONFUSED.
The movie starts with the blonde one in a mental institution. Upon further investigation, the blonde one is an actress called “Amanda Seyfried” who apparently fucks not just Laim Neeson, but also Julianne Moore. The first line of this movie is something stupid like “Hell is a teenage girl.” HAHAHA WHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, SOME BUSTED ASS FORMER STRIPPER?! Oh, wait. Strike that part from the record. We are then led to believe that the blonde one is “BFF” with Megan Fox’s character, whose name is Jennifer. I mean, I know this is a movie and everything, and that Megan Fox IS a worthless, cunty pile of shit, but pretended she was friends with the blonde one was still a bit of a stretch. They go to a “rock” concert featuring an “ironic yet not ironic, but then back to being ironic” band that sounds like The Killers got cummed on by Maroon 5. FUCK I’M GETTING SO MAD TYPING THESE THINGS. This band ends up kidnapping Jennifer and sacrifice her to some sort of demon because she is a virgin. Clearly she hasn’t actually been a virgin since being a toddler, so the sacrifice gets fucked up, resulting in a demon possession.
See! Proof that she’s a dork! I mean, who wears glasses, other than nerds?
Before, Megan Fox was just a vortex that would suck in shitty things, make them more shitty, than regurgitate them into a shitty pile of puke, bile, and blood. And now, as Jennifer, she sucks in horny boys that want to grind their boners up against the hollow shell of a “woman who may or may not have nice tits. Once they’ve reached the point of no return, she kills them. Jennifer is forced to continually do this because if she goes too long without eating someone, she starts to get disgusting and ugly. Correction, MORE disgusting and ugly than she is at full power. Blonde dorky girl notices this and is not happy and certainly doesn’t approve, especially when blonde nerd sees Jennifer kill blonde nerd’s boyfriend. After the research she had done in the school library, blonde nerd knows the only way to kill Jennifer is to stab her in the heart. She breaks into her house, stabs her in the heart, and kills her, but not before Jennifer can bite her. Blonde nerd is institutionalized, but we learn that she now has some of the demon powers and is able to escape the institution and the closing credits show us the subsequent murder of the band that set all of this stuff in motion. Thank fucking Cthulhu it’s over.
You’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to hold that lighter up to your rotten cunt so you can never reproduce you piece of shit.
I really did try to like this movie. Well, maybe I just tried to keep an open mind about it, but it was just so shitty. There were moments in Juno that I liked, but the reason I ended up hating it was because nobody is fucking stupid enough to talk or act the way the characters in that movie spoke or acted. The characters in that movie sounded the way someone walking out of Hot Topic looks. Just a clusterfuck of pop culture references, bright colors, and sarcastic “witticisms” that make you think that person is a pretentious asshole. Well, same goes for this movie, but now apply it to the horror genre. maybe had I not known that Diablo Cody was involved I could have tolerated it, but knowing that she most likely would Google “pop culture references + 80′s + horror/cartoons”, copied and pasted the first result, and then laughed maniacally to herself while shoving an Oscar up her pussy. I know you are about to correct me and say that she wrote this movie before she won an Oscar, but I didn’t say it was her Oscar, because it was probably one she bought on eBay for “Best Makeup” from 1985 for the Eric Stoltz movie “Mask”…ya know, to be ironic! For example, one scene shows Megan Fox wearing some sort of bedazzled shirt that had the poster for The Evil Dead on it, which I was okay with as a horror reference, only to look over her shoulder and see THE EXACT SAME FUCKING POSTER HANGING ON THE GODDAMN FUCKING WALL. Just in case the shirt wasn’t enough of a justification of a legitimate horror movie, you got to see the fucking poster also. I guess that could be the director’s fault and not the screenwriters, but it’s those attempts at being hip and cool that epitomize both this film and Juno. However, to try to keep things positive, I will say that I’m glad I saw Chris Pratt in this movie because that guy’s awesome. Also, I totally 100% believed that Megan Fox could distract people long enough with a pair of tits and a blank-faced, dead-eyed stare to make someone think she was worth spending any amount of time thinking about. Jennifer’s Body: By Cunts, About Cunts, For Cunts.
I’m sure that you’re thinking exactly what I was thinking. Your thrilled that they finally made a sequel to the Tom Hanks movie where he gets stuck in an airport terminal. You were probably wondering why they used the word “quarantine” in the title, but probably figured it had something to do with Mr. Hanks sneezing in a comical manner, and how he probably would borrow a tissue from Catherine Zeta-Jones, and that’s how they would fall in love. Sadly, none of those things happen in this movie. Instead, it’s a sequel to the movie Quarantine, which itself was a remake of the Spanish film [REC]. There’s already a Spanish sequel to [REC], so why not give its American remake a sequel? Well, they did, and I watched it.
“I SAID I DIDN’T WANT ANY PEANUTS, YOU BITCH!”
I’m sure you all already know that the title of this movie is a clever play on the word “terminal”, which not only means an airport terminal but also refers to the severity of certain diseases. We follow two female flight attendants from their cab ride to the actual flight they are on when one of the passengers gets sick. His sickness gets intense and he starts trying to bite people and attack the cockpit. The pilots are instructed to land at the closest airport, and when the plane lands, a baggage handler gets on the plane to act all “WTF are you doing here” while the sick passenger gets locked in a bathroom. While the airport employee starts trying to bring the passengers to a terminal, they are only coming across locked door after locked door. It is communicated to everyone that they are now quarantined…in a terminal. I think that’s how the movie got its name. You can kind of fill in the gaps of what happens next, because it’s just one person getting picked off after another, all turning into these zombie-esque creatures biting one another. By the end of the movie, everyone on board is either dead or infected and going crazy, except for one little boy who was able to escape through a tunnel. When the camera pans out, we see that the plane has landed just outside of Las Vegas, which implies a sequel…that would take place…in Las Vegas. Hopefully it will be called “Quarantine 3: Snakes Eyes starring Gary Sinise”.
“I’m sorry sir, but this is too big for a carry on item, you’re going to have to check it at the gate.”
I thought the first Quarantine was decent enough, but mostly because I enjoyed the original [REC] so much, so I had relatively high hopes for this one. I figured it wasn’t going to be based on the Spanish sequel of [REC] and wanted to see where this one would go. It wasn’t nearly as good as either of the Spanish films, and wasn’t as good as the first film, but it did have its moments. One moment was when we learned that the disease was a modified form of rabies being cultured through rats, and there was a rat on the lose that at one point jumped onto the head of a man who was wheelchair bound because of Parkinson’s and then got bitten right on the fucking head. There was also a scene where we saw a character give himself an injection of a possible antidote right into his fucking eyeball. I’ve seen eyeball injections before, but I don’t think Rampaige has, so she was grossed the fuck out.
“Is it possible to have another flight attendant bring me my little pillow?” I DID IT! Three shitty flight airplane jokes in one post!
What was so enjoyable for me with [REC]2 was the justification of the disease, which was basically attributing the psycho freak disease to demons. Knowing that this film would go another direction, I could appreciate what they attempted, despite not being as entertaining. Earlier in the film, there is a doctor who speaks to the flight attendant about how many people are just assholes and humans in general are pretty shitty. Certainly a sentiment I can agree with, and he didn’t say these things in a creepy terrorist kind of way. We learn later in the movie that he was the one who created the disease, and the main justification for it was that he thought that humanity needed a new plague to wipe out a large chunk of the population. We also learned that it was his laboratory that was discovered at the end of the first film, as well as seeing footage of the events of the first film on the news, letting us know that the first film and the sequel were taking place at the same time. A clever little tie-in, yes, but I’m not sure how well the franchise will do when they inevitably make another direct-to-video sequel. I’ll spend my time watching the next two [REC] films instead, because part 3 is already done and production will be starting shortly on part 4.
