Jennifer’s Body (2009) [REVIEW]

 

FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! Oh, that’s right, I know why, it’s because I hate myself and deserve to be put through this. Well, okay, not really, but that was the obvious guess. When I saw this movie was coming out, I combined my hatred of Diablo Cody with my hatred of Megan Fox and knew that I never would ever have to even consider seeing this movie. Well, all that shit changed when I heard that Diablo Cody was possibly “rewriting” the script for Evil Dead 4. Who the fuck chose this bitch? I then read a report online for a questionable source saying that Jennifer’s Body was a good “creature feature”, and that was the single, solitary positive comment I have ever heard about this movie. Wondering whether or not this person was crazy, or maybe if other people were crazy for not appreciating this horror movie, I really bit the metaphorical bullet by committing my time to watching this painfully quirky, empty, and pointless pile of dogshit.

 

Finally, a movie where Megan Fox doesn’t wear makeup. Wait, you’re saying she’s still wearing a shit ton of makeup? I’M SO CONFUSED.

The movie starts with the blonde one in a mental institution. Upon further investigation, the blonde one is an actress called “Amanda Seyfried” who apparently fucks not just Liam Neeson, but also Julianne Moore. The first line of this movie is something stupid like “Hell is a teenage girl.” HAHAHA WHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, SOME BUSTED ASS FORMER STRIPPER?! Wait…sStrike that part from the record. We are then led to believe that the blonde one is “BFF” with Megan Fox’s character, whose name is Jennifer. I know this is a movie and everything, and that Megan Fox IS a worthless, cunty pile of shit, but to pretend she was friends with the blonde one was still a bit of a stretch. They go to a “rock” concert featuring an “ironic yet not ironic, but then back to being ironic” band that sounds like The Killers got cummed on by Maroon 5. FUCK I’M GETTING SO MAD TYPING THESE THINGS. This band ends up kidnapping Jennifer and sacrifice her to some sort of demon because she is a virgin. Clearly she hasn’t actually been a virgin since being a toddler, so the sacrifice gets fucked up, resulting in a demon possession.

 

See! Proof that she’s a dork! Who wears glasses, other than nerds?

Before, Megan Fox was just a vortex that would suck in shitty things, make them more shitty, than regurgitate them into a shitty pile of puke, bile, and blood. And now, as Jennifer, she sucks in horny boys that wants to grind their boners up against the hollow shell of a “woman” who may or may not have nice tits. Once they’ve reached the point of no return, she kills them. Jennifer is forced to continually do this because if she goes too long without eating someone, she starts to get disgusting and ugly. Correction, MORE disgusting and ugly than she is at full power. Blonde dorky girl notices this and is not happy and certainly doesn’t approve, especially when blonde nerd sees Jennifer kill blonde nerd’s boyfriend. After the research she had done in the school library, blonde nerd knows the only way to kill Jennifer is to stab her in the heart. She breaks into her house, stabs her in the heart, and kills her, but not before Jennifer can bite her. Blonde nerd is institutionalized, but we learn that she now has some of the demon powers and is able to escape the institution and the closing credits show us the subsequent murder of the band that set all of this stuff in motion. Thank fucking Cthulhu it’s over.

 

You’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to hold that lighter up to your rotten cunt so you can never reproduce you piece of shit.

I really did try to like this movie. Maybe I just tried to keep an open mind about it, but it was just so shitty. There were moments in Juno that I liked, but the reason I ended up hating it was because nobody is fucking stupid enough to talk or act the way the characters in that movie spoke or acted. The characters in that movie sounded the way someone walking out of Hot Topic looks. Just a clusterfuck of pop culture references, bright colors, and sarcastic “witticisms” that make you think that person is a pretentious asshole. Same goes for this movie, but now apply it to the horror genre. Maybe had I not known that Diablo Cody was involved I could have tolerated it, but knowing that she most likely would Google “pop culture references + 80′s + horror/cartoons”, copied and pasted the first result, and then laughed maniacally to herself while shoving an Oscar up her pussy. I know you are about to correct me and say that she wrote this movie before she won an Oscar, but I didn’t say it was her Oscar, because it was probably one she bought on eBay for “Best Makeup” from 1985 for the Eric Stoltz movie “Mask”…ya know, to be ironic! For example, one scene shows Megan Fox wearing some sort of bedazzled shirt that had the poster for The Evil Dead on it, which I was okay with as a horror reference, only to look over her shoulder and see THE EXACT SAME FUCKING POSTER HANGING ON THE GODDAMN FUCKING WALL. Just in case the shirt wasn’t enough of a justification of a legitimate horror movie, you got to see the fucking poster also. I guess that could be the director’s fault and not the screenwriter’s, but it’s those attempts at being hip and cool that epitomize both this film and Juno. However, to try to keep things positive, I will say that I’m glad I saw Chris Pratt in this movie because that guy’s awesome. Also, I totally 100% believed that Megan Fox could distract people long enough with a pair of tits and a blank-faced, dead-eyed stare to make someone think she was worth spending any amount of time thinking about. Jennifer’s Body: By Cunts, About Cunts, For Cunts.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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4 responses to “Jennifer’s Body (2009) [REVIEW]

    • I originally included a picture of her from the set of this movie where she was topless and there were no nipples to prove she’s not a real human, but I thought it was a little too “NSFW” to include. Not that YOU have to worry about who sees what you look at while working…

  1. Thank you for sharing my hatred of Megan Fox. I’m glad someone can look up from her boobs and realize she isn’t attractive and can’t act for shit. While I don’t have the exact same hatred for this flick as you do, I think it would have at least been good, well.. better, I mean… watchable, if there was someone else in her role.

    • Even if I ignore every single line of dialogue Megan Fox spoke, which I did, because I hated every scene where she did anything, I still just couldn’t enjoy the movie. “She’s evil. Really evil, not just high school evil”. Ugh, kill me now.

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