Chain Letter (2010) [REVIEW]

 

Between all of the shitty movies I watch, there are occasionally these unique films that stand out amongst everything. There are movies that cause an emotional, sometimes even physical reaction. I went into this movie expecting it to be another mindless contemporary slasher movie and was completely shocked at what this film really was. I was so blown away with how this movie wasn’t just bad, but it was mind-numbingly bad. This movie was so fucking awful, between the actors, the writing, the effects, the dialogue, the sound, the plot, really just everything possible was so fucking bad, it almost came back around to being good again. How is that possible? I’m really going to try to keep some sort of order to what the fuck took place in this movie, but if I go off on a tangent because I have lost my mind just trying to wrap my head around this movie, I apologize ahead of time.

 

Brad Dourif plays a creepy guy in this movie? Weird.

From the opening montage you really get a grasp of how this piece of shit is going to try to warn us about the dangers of technology, even mentioning how scary Y2K was. Seriously? They’re using Y2K to try to scare us over a decade after everyone realized it was bullshit? Ugh. Next, we see a happy couple getting into their cars to go to work in the morning, only to then see chains attached from their bumpers to a woman who is bound and gagged in their garage. As they drive forward, they pull this woman into traffic, and right when the woman gets ripped in two, the title shows up. The cast of characters we are going to be following are a group of high schoolers that are all friends or something I guess. After meeting them all, we see the “nerdy” one getting a chain letter in his email later that night. His sister sees this, and as if this is the first time anyone has ever received  a chain letter in their email, she loses her mind with terror and forwards it to her five friends. We see the people who have gotten these letters, and every single one of them gets to have a “Whoa, a chain letter? I am NOT messing with THIS!” moment, or a “Chain letter? This is so lame!” moment. Let’s just say that those teens who deleted the email shouldn’t have done that! The first guy is apprehended at the gym and has chains tied to his arms to lift him up off of the floor. Rampaige got grossed out at that part. Once lifted, the bad guy cut his achilles tendons, which probably hurt. The bad guy, whose arms we could glimpse just long enough to see a bunch of tattoos of chains on them, uses a big thick chain to rub on the guys face until his head falls apart. When detectives arrive, they look at the manager of the gym and are all like, “Hey man, were these chains here before? Randomly dangling from the ceiling?”, and the manager is all, “No way man, that’s totally not how I run this place.” The detectives take note of this, as if chains will be a recurring plot point.

 

You’re telling me that you’ve never been to a gym that has chains hanging from the ceiling in the middle of it? Where are you from, Idiot Town?

This is what shit starts getting real. And by getting real, I mean getting shittier and shittier. There’s a scene where a guy is crushed by an engine…..WHICH WAS BEING HELD UP BY CHAINS! THE CHAIN KILLER STRIKES AGAIN! The chain killer man then goes to kill the next lady on the list who deleted the letter, and of course, interrupts her in the bath. He then smashes through a window and THEN a wall to attempt to kill her, which he doesn’t. What’s our detective, Keith David, doing while this is happening? TRACING THE ORIGINS OF THE CHAIN HE FOUND. OF COURSE THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING. While tracing these chains, he finds some old guy wearing glasses who acts like these chains are fucking magical, and when Keith David is all like, “Hey man, where’s your wife?”, and that old guy flips out and yells, “SHE’S DEAD!” like a fucking asshole, so Keith David runs for his life. Does this make too much sense so far? Well, good, you’re in luck, because things start making even less sense.

 

The origins of street luging. Sadly, I don’t think that duct tape helmet will protect much.

Around this time, the detectives track the origins of the chain letter to some sort of “terrorist group” focused on destroying technology. They use a lot more Y2K references and mention the Unabomber like anyone gives a shit. At the same time, the main girl also manages to find that the chain letter has origins in the occult. She finds this information……by Googling it. WHY DID IT TAKE THIS ASSBITCH FIVE MINUTES ON GOOGLE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT TOOK OUR DETECTIVES GODDAMNED FUCKING WEEKS TO LEARN. When Keith David investigates the origins of the chains in a factory, he finds a kid tied up in chains. When he goes to unchain the chained teen, a chain reaction occurs that chains a chain to a chain chain chain chain FUCK SORRY. Don’t know what happened there. The kid catches on fire and the detective is assaulted by chain man, and while he is being attacked, he receives a voicemail from another cop. Apparently all the members of the anti-technology cult have bar code tattoos, and we get a flashback showing a guy that Keith David spoke to was involved in this cult, as was the teacher that the students had in school. Then we learn that the bitch who was tied up in the beginning was the lead girl, because she eventually got caught for not sending in the chain letter quickly enough. AND THEN IT JUST FUCKING ENDS WITH NO EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE FUCK HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR THE PAST 90 BULLSHIT ASSHOLE MINUTES.

 

I posted this on Twitter, but in case you don’t follow me (you idiot), here’s a picture I took of my TV. Notice anything weird about the computer monitor? Here, I’ll zoom in…

THEY COULDN’T EVEN PRETEND LIKE THE DETECTIVE WAS DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT AT ALL, OTHER THAN BEING TOLD, “HEY MAN, TYPE SOME SHIT”, AND HAVE KEITH DAVID RUB HIS DICK ON THE KEYBOARD AND SIT BACK DOWN. COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST SHUT THE FUCKING MONITOR OFF? FUCK.

Are you as confused as I am? I mean, Jesus fucking Cthulhu, what were these people thinking? Who was the guy with the chain tattoos? Why was he killing these kids? How did he have access to the internet? Was he involved with the curse? What was the curse? Was the anti-technology cult involved in the chain letters? How were they involved? How does killing teenagers prevent technology? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY GODDAMNED QUESTIONS ABOUT SUCH A PILE OF SHIT? It’s like the writers of this movie looked at a big chain on the street and said, “WHOA BRO, THAT THING IS SCARY. WHAT IF A KILLER FREAK USED THAT AS A MURDER WEAPON? HOLY SHIT, WHAT IF HE HAD CHAIN TATTOOS TO MAKE HIM LOOK EXTRA BRUTAL? BUT WAIT, WHY WOULD A CHAIN TATTOO GUY KILL PEOPLE WITH A CHAIN? HOLY SHIT, CHAIN LETTERS ARE SO FREAKY. WHAT IF THERE WAS A CHAIN GUY TATTOO KILLER CHAIN GUY WHO KILLED CHAIN LETTER BREAKERS WITH A CHAIN? HMMM….I NEED MORE THAN THAT, SO, UH…(Googles reasons people are scared of the internet)…HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT THIS Y2K SHIT! EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS! I’VE FINALLY COMPLETED MY MASTERPIECE, SO IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH A 2 LITER OF MOUNTAIN DEW.” Sorry guys, might have just lost it there, so I’ll just leave it at that.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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One response to “Chain Letter (2010) [REVIEW]

  1. Pingback: Smiley (2012) [REVIEW] | The Wolfman Cometh·

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