The Worst Best of 2011 List

December 31, 2011 2 Comments

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, that I am by no means compiling a list of the best AND worst movies of 2011. Rather, this is probably the most half-assed, thrown together list of movies that kind of came out in 2011 you might see anywhere on the internet. I started trying to think of my top 5 horror movies to post at the end of the year, but couldn’t come up with any. I then decided to just do the top 3 horror movies, then remembered some good movies that weren’t horror, and thought of doing top 3 of each genre. I then looked up some of these movies on IMDb to realize that a lot of them technically came out at festivals or in limited release in 2010, and then all bets were off. Rather than try to compile all the films I wanted to make note of that had a wider release in 2011, I’m just make a shitload of lists, each list compiling of 1 movie and 1 movie only. Deal with it.

Best Movie where Ryan Gosling wears a Scorpion

Jacket

Drive

I’m willing to bet that the winner of this category will cause the most controversy, especially considering the competition. I think that 2011 will go down in history as the year of Ryan Gosling, between Drive, Ides of March, Crazy Sexy Love, and Blue Valentine, everyone wanted to fuck him. I remember the good old days of watching Lars and the Real Girl and Half Nelson and thinking this guy was pretty awesome, so I’m glad he got some great roles and put in some great performances. From the soundtrack to the cinematography to the ensemble cast, this will probably be considered my favorite movie of the year.

Best Movie featuring a 30 Rock Cast Member in their Underwear

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (and that’s Katrina Bowden)

As far as the expectations to entertainment ratio, this is another winner. I knew nothing about it, other than it had a funny name, and I hadn’t even seen a trailer when I watched this movie. Maybe I’m idealizing the movie a little bit, considering everyone I have recommended this movie to has given it a resounding “meh”, I was thoroughly entertained by the melding of genres. Sure, it wasn’t actually scary at any moment, but the way it took advantage of typical horror movie segments and made fun of them was pretty funny to me. I was also glad to have a horror/comedy that wasn’t Scary Movie 11.

Best Love Story

Monsters

Maybe it’s a stretch to call this movie a love story, especially because the female was kind of sort of developing feelings for a guy who wasn’t her husband, but I couldn’t think of a funnier title. Although it’s called “Monsters“, we barely see the titular creatures and instead focused on two relative strangers trying to make their way from Point A to Point B without being killed by aliens. Even though the two characters develop a relationship and make their way to the destination, through a nice twist in editing, we learn that they are both killed shortly after their arrival. I mean, talk about ’til death do us part, am I right?! Whoops, spoiler alert, yeah they died.

Best Film featuring an Actor from Blade Runner

Hobo with a Shotgun

Finally someone has come to put Edward James Olmos in his place! This throwback to grindhouse splatter film with absurd plots managed to be original while also convincingly reminding you of an overlooked genre of film. I guess that depends on what you mean by “overlooked”, considering there really aren’t too many grindhouse films that I would consider “classics”, but certainly have a cult following. The opening credit sequence alone is enough to convince you the dedication the filmmakers had in recreating a specific style, no matter how drawn out and boring that opening credit sequence was.

Best Comic Book Movie

Captain America: The First Avenger

This wasn’t really too hard of a decision, considering there were four comic book movies that came out this year. Thor felt like the only reason it existed was to establish a two characters that were meant to play larger parts in the Avengers movie in 2012. Green Lantern attempted to cash in on one of its most popular characters, who also happens to be one of the ones who exists in a much larger scope than a lot of other DC or Marvel titles. Captain America was the only one I saw where I felt I could keep watching for a few more hours. All of his missions of Nazi ass-beatings were fun, because who doesn’t love seeing Nazis get their asses kicked? Sure, X-Men: First Class showed us what a young and pissed off  Magneto was capable of, and it was fun to see the X-Men in a completely different generation and all, but wasn’t as enjoyable a package (hehe, package) as Captain America was. I also think Chris Evans solidified himself as capable of playing every superhero, no matter who the publishing company is.

Best Movie about Hunting Trolls

Trollhunter

It’s been a hard few years for trolls, with the success of Troll 2 being a laughing-stock and the documentary about it, Best Worst Movie, showcasing its terrible-ness. How do you make trolls fun again? Let Norwegians make a movie about them! Clearly approaching this sci-fi/fantasy film with their tongues in their cheeks, the audience learned that not only are trolls real, but there is a government funded agency who are in charge of dispatching said trolls and blaming their havoc on bear attacks. This movie was a lot of fun, especially to see all the funny symbols people slip into their Norwegian names.

Best Metallica-related Anything

Hesher

Surprising to nobody, Metallica themselves are not responsible for producing anything entertaining. However, seeing Joseph Gordon Levitt as a nihilist metal enthusiast created feelings similar to those we have for Metallica; even though you resemble something we should relate to and enjoy, we hate you for everything you are. Jordo Gordo Levitt, as I call him, played the titular character “Hesher” in this film about losing what’s most important to you and having nothing to show for it. Whether it was your mother, wife, grandmother, or ideal woman, nothing in this movie was safe from destruction. Despite being included as one of my favorite movies of the year, this isn’t a movie I can ever see myself sitting down to watch again (or standing up to watch again, for that matter). With promotional materials implying Hesher could be something of a life coach to a young boy, he was nothing but a piece of shit, but a piece of shit that reminded us that no matter how bad life was, at least we’re still alive. Oh yeah, and the trailer for this movie was pretty awesome too.

Best Movie featuring Dwight Schrute crushing Skulls with a Monkey Wrench

Super

One of the most frustrating terms to hear, as a fan of both comedic films and films with dark subject matter, is the term “dark comedy”. To me, that’s typically an excuse people label their movie with when it’s not actually funny. “You didn’t laugh at my movie? Oh, well, it’s a dark comedy, so you probably didn’t get it.” Then comes along a movie like Super, which has depressingly crushing emotional moments, as well as hilarious comedic moments. In fact, some of these moments happen within the same scene, and you are laughing your balls off until you realize how sad and pathetic some of these character’s lives are. It was also nice to see Rainn Wilson as the leading man in a somewhat toned down version of his oddball sidekick schtick and prove that he’s capable of range in his characters and emotions. Ellen Page is also weirdly attractive in this movie, but I’m too afraid to think too much about her appeal right now.

Best “Wait, what movie are you talking about?” Movie

Paul

Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, voice of Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Jeffrey Tambor, Jane Lynch, Jason Bateman, Joe Lo Truglio, Sigourney Weaver, and Kristen Wiig all starred in a movie that was directed by Greg Mottola, who also brought us Superbad. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS MOVIE NOT RECEIVE MORE PRAISE?! It was made by nerds, for nerds, starring nerds, whose characters were nerds, making nerd references while at the biggest nerd convention in the country. It was clever, wacky, and made just enough subtle references to movies we all know and love without having to spoon feed them to you. I don’t know if it was poor timing as far as when it was released, which wouldn’t surprise me because I think I forgot about this movie a few times when thinking about my favorites of this year. This was some poseur Big Bang Theory nerd shit either, it was awesome. Go rent it now if you haven’t seen it, and go watch it again if you already have.

Best Movie to feature a Merkin (wig for your pubes)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Maybe I’m stretching a bit for making this a specific category, but because I didn’t include a review and only mentioned it in the SEND MORE COPS podcast, I didn’t want it to feel left out. The story of the pubes wig is that the character of Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) was written to be a girl with strawberry blonde hair who has dyed it black. If something seems odd about Lisbeth’s eyebrows, it’s because they are blonde and not black. This means that in a love scene between Lisbeth and Daniel Craig‘s character where we see her, to use the grossest term ever, “pubic mound”, David Fincher wanted to make sure everyone knew the carpet matched the…eyebrows? Talk about detail! I’m assuming Rooney Mara brought this up in multiple interviews just so that she could, with subtlety of course, let America know she shaves her pubes. Otherwise she just could have bleached them, right? Is that how pubes work? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t gotten any yet.

This brings another year to an end here at The Wolfman Cometh. Before I let you guys go, I figured I’d post some stats for the year. Not specifically for this year, because that would take too much work, but some totals for the end of the year. Shut up.

ALL-TIME VIEWS: 246,112

BUSIEST DAY: 10/31/11 (2,401 views)

Top 5 Most Visited Posts

5) Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead – 4,689 views

4) A Nightmare on Elm Street – 4,904 views

3) Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine – 5,513 views

2) The Human Centipede (First Sequence) – 5,822 views

1) Insidious – 5,849 views

Top 5 Search Terms

5) Katrina Bowden – 1,354

4) Johnny Depp Nightmare on Elm St – 1,399

3) Wrong Turn 3 – 1,511

2) Michael Myers – 2,308

1) Wrong Turn – 2,850

Top 5 Viewed Images

5) “ultimate wolverine vs hulk ripping in two half”

4) “Wrong Turn 3 III Left for Dead Louise Cliffe bikini boobs”

3) “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Michael Cera Mary Elizabeth Winstead“

2) “Wormwood Gentleman Corpse Issue 0 Ben Templesmith“

1) “Stan Helsing Diora Baird Kenan Thompson Good Burger”

There’s other shit that I saw this year that I’m failing to remember, so you’re stuck with this list. I’d also like to point out that Hugo was pretty awesome, and one of the few movies I’ve seen where the 3D actually added to the film, rather than distract you from it. There’s  also a bunch of movies that came out this year that I’ve heard were good, but never got around too. I’m sure I’ll get to it eventually, but I remind you, I already said this list was going to be shitty, so stop complaining. Next year is going to be pretty huge as far as movies are concerned, between The Dark Knight Rises, Avengers, that Hobbit movie, and Prometheus, I see some awesome things to look forward to. I hope you enjoyed the rantings and ravings of mine in 2011, and look forward to you coming back in 2012. Don’t forget to go download and subscribe to SEND MORE COPS for even more Wolfman anger! Rot in Hell, everyone! Hail Satan!

Filed under Horror Film, Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Chillerama (2011) [REVIEW]

December 29, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Anthology? More like MAN-thology, am I right?! Because all of the writers/directors were guys? Ugh, whatever, that was terrible. At least there’s finally a film that combines the talents of Adam Green, Joe Lynch, Adam Rifkin, and Tim Sullivan! Also known as the director of Hatchet/Frozen, director of Wrong Turn 2, writer of Underdog, and director of 2001 Maniacs! Oh, you guys don’t really care that these people got together? Well, neither did I. Other than Adam Green, who I really want to like but have a hard time doing, I didn’t know who any of these other people were. When this popped up on Netflix Instant, I figured I’d give it a shot. Normally when I review anthologies, I just lump the whole thing together and give it one moon rating, but this time you guys are getting moon ratings for each segment, AND one at the end! TECHNOLOGY!

 

Wadzilla

When a man has a hard time getting his wife pregnant, his doctor prescribes him some medicine that is supposed to make his sperm stronger. Rather than making each individual sperm strong, the medicine results in just one super sperm being created each time this guy got a boner. They get progressively bigger and seem to grow larger on their own, even after escaping the man’s body, to the point that one giant monster sperm wreaks havoc on the town. The sperm tries to impregnate the Statue of Liberty, which is when the army corners it and makes it explode cum everywhere. This was a strong, funny start to the movie, and it was able to switch back and forth between a gross out comedy with exploding cum-like material hitting all the actors in the faces while also mocking sci-fi movies from the 50′s. If only Underdog was this disgusting and funny!

Wolfman Moon Scale

I was a Teenage Werebear

We’ve heard of werewolves, so this is probably about someone who turns into a bear and kills people, right? Well, kind of. This was part musical and part 60′s surf movie, with the idea of someone turning into a bear thrown in. Rather than it being a grizzly or polar bear, the werebears in this film turn into gay bears. Part bear, part homosexuals who are large, fat, and hairy. Other than the fact that this kept happening, I can’t think of what the fuck this movie was about, other than playing with the idea of physical changes in someone’s body being manifested into a horror movie. Remember how in Carrie, when Sissy Spacek got her period, she got super mental powers? Or that in most werewolf movies, once a month someone turns into a crazy monster, like when girls get mad when they are PMS-ing? I understood that this was what Tim Sullivan was going for, and he wanted to (possibly) represent a boy going through puberty to realize he was a “monster” for being attracted to other guys. The point just seemed lost in the silly surfer musical parody and nothing was really funny or entertaining enough to justify it being made…at all. Really the weakest segment of the entire movie, and brought the high hopes that Wadzilla set all the way down and into the gutters. I realize now that pointing out that the one segment made by an openly homosexual filmmaker just after I commended how entertaining a low-brow short film called “Wadzilla” can be viewed negatively, I accept any sort of hammer judgement that my gay readers would like to smash me with. Maybe I didn’t “get it”, or I’m trying to bash a gay filmmaker solely because of his sexual orientation, but I didn’t enjoy the segment for a plethora of reasons, whereas I felt Wadzilla kept in line with the overall tone of this anthology.

Wolfman Moon Scale

Diary of Anne Frankenstein

Even the name itself is funny! This segment starts with the discovery of the Frank family by Nazis, when Hitler himself breaks through a wall to steal the Frank family diary. Once he leaves, he takes that diary back to his laboratory to build a zombie made from the body parts of Jewish people, which now that I type it, seems a lot more offensive than I originally thought. Once reanimated, the monster wears a yarmulke and wears one of those scarves that Jewish guys wear, and Hitler tries to train it to do his bidding. It was ridiculous, offensive, silly, and a lot of fun. The best part was that Joel Moore, who played Hitler, as well as played robot legs from Grandma’s Boy, doesn’t know any German. That means any time he was speaking German, he was just making up gibberish. For the record, Rampaige picked up on this before I did, and she was very proud of herself for noticing…AS SHE SHOULD!

Wolfman Moon Scale

Zom-B-Movie

See what they did there? The title of this segment is the story that pulls all of these movies together, and is not only a play on the word “zombie”, but also a play on the idea of “B Movies”! SO CLEVER! This story, which we see in five to ten minute increments, involves a group of friends attending a screening at a drive-in movie theater where the own screens his favorite films. Those films? Wadzilla, I was a Teenage Werebear, and Diary of Anne Frankenstein! Whoa! The plot involves a guy digging up his wife’s corpse to jerk off onto her face, when she rips his balls off and I guess infects him with something? He goes to the drive-in and starts infecting more and more people as the film goes on. These zombies don’t just eat brains, but they also eat cock and pussy! In the sense that they are horny monster things that are killing and fucking and fucking and killing EVERYTHING. The actors weren’t particularly all that good, but there were funny enough references to other movies and good enough special effects to make up for the poor acting and dialogue.

Wolfman Moon Scale

In case you’ve seen this movie before, you might notice I left out one of the films, titled “Deathication”. It involved lots of poop splatters going batshit crazy everywhere, but only lasted a couple of minutes before the final act of Zom-B-Movie took over. Even though none of the segments got a particularly high rating, I wanted to give the movie as a whole the 3/4 moon rating. All of the segments were fun and really in the spirit of paying homage to B movies that would play at drive-ins. In addition to all the segments being entertaining, the story that tied them all together was also entertaining, which is what most anthology films lack. You might get SOME story that connects everything, but a lot of times it might just be one segment fading to black, and then the next segment fades in and you see the title. The whole thing was a lot of fun and would definitely be a good movie to pop in with your friends. The only thing preventing this movie from getting the better rating is the Werebear movie. Maybe I didn’t get it, maybe you guys will say I hate gay people, but it really felt out of place and seemed to be included mostly as a favor from the other people involved. If there was a way to watch this movie without that segment, I’d be all for it, but instead, the filmmakers will have to deal with the rating they’ve been handed. I’m sure they’ll lose sleep over it.

Wolfman Moon Scale


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Black Christmas (2006) [REVIEW]

December 25, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Did you see what day it was?! Did you see the name of the movie?! Okay fine, I’ll admit that this isn’t any sort of “Christmas classic” or anything, but it does have Christmas in the title. Unless, of course, you get the DVD and notice that it calls itself “Black Xmas”. Either way, I watched it recently and because I was lazy when it came to reviewing, the timeline of events allowed this to get posted on the holiest of molies. Ya know, like “holy moly”? Whatever. Here’s the goddamn review.

 

Could have used a little more cleavage and a few more pairs of Ugg boots to truly capture the spirit of a sorority house.

 

This remake starts in an asylum with guards bringing food to an inmate on Christmas, when that inmate uses a sharpened candy cane to kill guards and escape. We cut to a babe-filled sorority house which is having it’s annual Christmas party as a blizzard descends upon it. As if a house full of drunk sorority ladies wasn’t dramatic enough, there’s also some drama involving a sex tape and one of the girls’ boyfriends? Anyways, that boyfriend shows up and there’s an argument that results in him letting the girls know the history of the house. The family included a mom who had murdered her husband and remarried, and a little boy with a skin condition that made his skin yellow. One day, the mom snapped and murdered her new husband, as well as raped Billy, they boy, and eventually gave birth to another yellow-skinned psycho named Agnes. Eventually the boy also snapped and murdered his mother, and used a cookie-cutter to make Christmas cookies out of his mother’s skin. Gross! Would it surprise you to find out that the man in the insane asylum in the beginning was this boy, and that he’s the reason why sorority sisters have been disappearing all night? It turns out that Agnes has been living in the attic and between the walls of the house, and Billy has come back to join her. A bunch of the characters die, and eventually Agnes has her head defibrillated to death and Billy gets impaled on a Christmas tree. Sounds more like a RED Christmas, am I right?!

 

Agnes was missing one of her eyes, so I’m sure there was SOME reason why she removed the victim’s eyes, but the reasons were completely lost on me. Oh well!

 

This movie gets a lot of shit and has terrible reviews, but ya know what? They’re all pretty much right.  To say that this movie is “good”, by any stretch of the imagination, wouldn’t quite be accurate. You might remember my review of the original film, and in case you don’t, it is regarded by most to be a pioneer in the “slasher” genre. Considering where the slasher genre is now, or where it was in 2006, it was highly unlikely for this film, let alone ANY film, have a lasting impact on the slasher genre in any way, shape, or form. I assume the filmmakers knew this, and rather than have it be a typical contemporary slasher, they went a much weirder route. The whole thing about the family’s skin being yellow? That’s a plot point that never really made any sense, other than it was weird and made the murderers in this movie look even creepier. Most of the onscreen deaths included huge explosions of blood, and one scene towards the end shows Agnes and Billy having adorned their Christmas tree with the severed heads of their victims with their eyes removed. What it lacked in ground-breaking, genre-defining plot structure and tone, they attempted to make for in disturbingly strange imagery. From the way the flashback sequences are shot to how poorly lit each scene is to the over-the-top stereotypes of bitchy sorority girls, what this film lacks in originality, subtlety and mood, it makes up for in exaggerated characters and the entire film looking strange. Might not be considered a holiday classic, or any type of classic, but it has just enough gore to keep you interested, and just enough Christmas nostalgia that it’s something I don’t mind watching each year.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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New episode of SEND MORE COPS out now! Dragon Tattoo, Diablo Cody, and Christmas!

December 22, 2011 2 Comments

 

Okay guys, I’ll admit, the main reason that I released this episode was because I figured I wouldn’t get the opportunity to blog much until after Christmas and I figured some of you guys had time to kill on your holiday travels. What does that mean? That means you can get ready to face your family after listening to how angry I am about things! Also, this podcast features the very first EXCLUSIVE review of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. In other words, you can hear my thoughts on it in this episode, but I will not be writing up a formal review for it. Some of you might say it’s because I’m lazy, whereas others will say it’s because it’s difficult to dissect a movie whose strengths lie in the plot. Well, you’re both right! Either way, download this episode through iTunes or through the direct page and enjoy!

 

Episode 5

The Wolfman is back to his old ways of, well, talking to himself for prolonged periods of time. Just in time for the holidays, he weighs in on some of his holiday favorites. He also mentions a few trailers he’s excited about and starts ranting about how much he managed to hate in one five minute segment of the Diablo Cody written “Young Adult”. Not to mention the SEND MORE COPS exclusive review of David Fincher’s newest film, “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. A wonderful way to spend some time on your drive or flight to see people you care about!

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Red State (2011) [REVIEW]

December 20, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Remember how a few reviews back I had mentioned Attack the Block and how I had a limited time frame when it came to watching it? Yeah, well, same goes for this movie. I had heard mixed reviews about Kevin Smith and his foray into a genre that was quite different from what gained him notoriety. I don’t want to say he delved into the “horror” genre, because when I first heard about this movie and the genre he claimed it fell under, he seemed to avoid lumping into the “horror” category. I’m not sure if this was to avoid people setting expectations at what the film would be early on, or maybe it was because he was nervous for claiming he made a horror movie, but either way, his publicity for this film seemed to change. This means the way I perceived the film changed as well, now that he had been calling it a “nasty-ass $4mil horror flick”. I have been putting this off and putting this off, but when I had seen his reactions on Twitter over the lack of nominations it had received with the Independent Spirit Awards, I wanted to see for myself if this tantrum was warranted or not. SO HERE WE FUCKING GO.

 

Wait a second, you’re trying to tell me that Kevin Smith put his wife in a movie? YA DON’T SAY!

 

As Travis (played by Michael Angarano, better known as the little kid from Almost Famous) is driven to school by his mom (played by Anna Gunn, better known as Skylar from Breaking Bad), they pass by a funeral being protested by members of an extreme religious sect known as the “Five Points Church”, which is led by Abin Cooper (played by Michael Parks, better known as that guy Quentin Tarantino loves to put in movies). When Travis meets up with his friends, Jarod (played by Kyle Gallner, better known as the kind of creepy kid from a shitload of movies but I remember from Veronica Mars) lets them know there is a woman he met online who promised to do all of them. Thinking this sounded like a great idea, the friends go to meet Sara (played by Melissa Leo, better known as the crazy mom in The Fighter), who end up drugging them and taking them hostage. When they come to, they realize they have been taken captive by Abin and the Five Points Church, and see someone attached to a cross get executed. Unfortunately for the church, these shenanigans don’t go on for too long before being discovered by the local police department, at which time the ATF is called in to take care of the situation.

 

A church based on high-fives? I’M IN. WHERE DO I SIGN UP AND WHO DO I MURDER?

 

The main ATF agent in charge of the raid is Keenan (played by John Goodman, better known as King Ralph) whose orders are to raid the complex and kill every witness. Having difficulties carrying out these orders, there’s a standoff between the agents and the church, that leaves deaths on both sides. Uncertain of which side will win, both sides are surprised at the sound of loud trumpet blasts, which the Five Points Church seems to interpret as God coming to kill all the bad guys. Having no fear of their salvation, they drop their guns and walk out of the complex to confront the ATF agents, and we then cut to see Keenan being interrogated by his superiors. Apparently the sounds that everyone was hearing were created by neighbors of the church who were playing a prank on the church, completely oblivious to the standoff. Rather than all the members of the church being killed, the important members are thrown in jail, where it is implied that their butts will be fucked repeatedly, which is probably something they won’t enjoy.

 

If you fuck up his cocoon, how do you expect him to turn into a butterfly?

 

After watching the movie, I completely understand why Kevin Smith was hesitant at first when calling it a horror movie. This film all too closely holds a mirror up to the state of this country and its religious fanatics that to call it a “horror movie” implies that everything in it is a work of fiction. Whether a horror movie is based on “true events” or claims to be “found footage”, we know it’s all fake and dramatized just to make us jump or get creeped out. Instead, it seems as though Red State is a far more subtle and subdued type of fear, because of how true to life it is. To anyone familiar with the terrible things that the Westboro Baptist Church has done and is capable of, tone it down just a tiny bit, and that’s how the Five Points Church is portrayed. never once do they act crazy or maniacal, because they are constantly portrayed as calm, rational people who actually think what they’re doing is right. I’m sure that a more appropriate genre could even be “drama”, but I can see how that would cause some controversies as well. And maybe it’s just because I watched the Bill Hicks documentary recently, but there also seemed to be quite a few similarities between Red State and the situation that happened in Waco, TX in the early 90′s. A guy was in a complex with a bunch of other people, doing things that the government didn’t want them to do, so the government just killed everyone.

 

This isn’t actually from Red State. This was the face John Goodman made when someone called him up to tell him what happened in the series finale of Roseanne.

 

Smith is known for his witty, clever, and oftentimes filthy dialogue, and don’t worry, you get plenty of that in this movie as well. Not to say at all that this movie is a comedy, but all of the humor in it is quite smart. I guess that’s kind of a strange thing about all of Smith’s movies, in that no matter how “dumb” a character is supposed to be, they still have some smart humor to them, almost making it seem like the Kevin Smith universe is something that’s…askew. Yes, you might say that there is something askew about his view…get it? Because his company is called View Askew? Oh man, that was great. Anyways, his dialogue is what made him famous, and it was nice to see his visual experiments with this film, being new to the genre and not really needing to adhere to his comedic style. For example, one shot/concept I was really impressed with was that one character was attached to a cross through the use of plastic wrap, and his head was ultimately covered as well. Once it was wrapped, a different character shot him in the head, and the plastic wrap caught all of the blood. To see the faceless head of this character slowly fill with blood was pretty cool, and was a relatively simple idea that didn’t rely on gore or special effects to be creepy.

 

I’d let this man do my taxes, Rapture or no Rapture.

 

So was Kevin Smith justified for going on Twitter and calling the Film Independent an “idiotic organization” for not nominating Melissa Leo, John Goodman, or Michael Parks? No, I can’t say that they deserve those nominations. This isn’t because I’m biased as to who was nominated, because I don’t even fucking know who else was nominated. Don’t get me wrong, Melissa Leo, John Goodman, and Michael Parks were all quite good in this film, in particular was Parks as the terrifying preacher. I think the reason I don’t think they necessarily deserve to be nominated is because their performances were too grounded in reality and were all too human, making it hard to stand out. Does that even make sense what I just said? I guess what I mean is that it didn’t seem that either of the three needed to work too hard to successfully portray their characters. Firstly, Melissa Leo didn’t really have enough screen time, in my opinion, to warrant a nomination. John Goodman played a government agent who didn’t want to kill an entire house full of people just because he was ordered to. I have a feeling that I would react the same exact way as his character would, so it seemed as though John Goodman was just playing himself and how any other human would react, but while wearing an ATF costume. And again, Michael Parks was good, but not mind-blowing, but this goes back to the idea that this film was all too real to be considered all that much of a stretch for any of the actors, and that these were watered-down performances of what the real members of the Westboro Baptist Church are capable of actually living. I didn’t want to give this movie too good of a review because my immediate feelings were underwhelmed and combined with the upset comments on Smith made on Twitter, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was being a baby. This movie might not give you nightmares, it might not make you fear a boogeyman, but this movie is hopefully a wake-up call to people who put too much faith in anything. Whether it be whatever God you worship, your government, or the girl who offers to fuck you and your friends after talking to her on the internet. If you think this movie is creepy, just keep in mind that this is a toned down version of the world we live in, we’re all fucked, are going to die, the government is lying to us, and there is no God. Sorry!

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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SEND MORE COPS – Episode 4 out now! I have a guest in this one!

December 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Here’s the new episode you freaks! This one’s a little bit longer than the others, but don’t let that running time intimidate you. I didn’t do any editing after we recorded it, so if it sounds like shit, feel free to let me know. Or if it sounds great, let me know. If you liked listening to me with a guest, let me know. If you want more of me just yelling about pointless bullshit on my own, let me know. Notice a trend here? Thanks to JD for regularly providing feedback about the episodes, but other than him, I don’t even know if anyone listens to it. Point being, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. Or you could even leave some feedback on iTunes and everyone will be able to see it! Again, it can be downloaded through the show’s direct page or through the iTunes page. Or better yet, just subscribe! Enjoy!

 

Episode 4

Get comfortable, folks, because this goddamned episode is a whole HOUR LONG! That’s right. 60 minutes. What could cause such a long episode to occur? Well, it’s the first time the Wolfman has brought a guest on the show, and that guest is his friend Duke. What on Earth could we talk about for a whole hour? Well, there’s a few subjects tackled, such as: is the Walking Dead TV series really that good? How can someone use the phrase “the book was better” without looking like a pretentious douchebag? Why do people enjoy fantasizing about the zombie apocalypse? All these questions, and more, are addressed. ZOMBIES!

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A Haunting in Salem (2011) [REVIEW]

December 16, 2011 2 Comments

Ghosts? Salem, MA? Based on true events? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?! Sure, it was a straight to video release, but since when does that mean it has to be bad?! I was tipped off by the opening credits just how fucking terrible this piece of shit was going to be, which sometimes takes me longer to figure out with other movies. First of all, they fucking BLEW through every single credit for the movie in about 30 second. I’m pretty sure you had to pause the movie if you were hoping to get a clear look at anybody’s name. Another thing I learned was that this was released by Asylum, the company responsible for a plethora of SyFy shit shows, as well as all of those Paranormal Entity/Transmorphers/Snakes on a Train movies. The only thing I could hope for would be that this movie would be bad enough that there’d be a few laughs, but did I? Read further to find out! In case you don’t have the time, yes, I did laugh at it.

Some solid acting where she acts like she doesn’t want to puke all over her “husband’s” face.

There’s a new sheriff in Salem, MA, and it is a guy who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter, played by Bill Oberst, Jr. This movie is already going to be a stretch to believe any of, because his wife, played by Courtney Abbiati, is attractive, making her COMPLETELY out of his league. Anyways, the two of them, along with their kids, move into the house in Salem where every sheriff has lived for a billion years or whatever. You’d think they’d live a quiet, happy life in Salem and nothing bad ever happened to them at all. WELL YOU’D BE WRONG FOR THINKING THAT, OBVIOUSLY. Objects have been moving around, a huge string of hair is pulled from out of the shower with a tooth attached, you know, standard stuff. Their daughter even starts getting sick and puking on the breakfast table, which makes new sheriff guy start to investigate these weird things. Remember when I said all the sheriffs have lived here? Well, that even means the sheriffs responsible for all the witches who were hung during the Salem Witch Trials! Nooooo!!!! Now they’re seeking revenge! Anyways, the whole family is either killed by the ghosts directly or indirectly, and eventually the sheriff tries to set it on fire, only to be startled by a ghost and have the credits roll.

Pretty sure daughter “Ali” weighed about 75 pounds…AND DAMN, THAT IS HOT.

Sounds pretty terrible, right? Well you’d be right for making that assumption. It was quite awful. Luckily, there were a few moments that were so awful, that to remember them causes me to chuckle. Before I get to that though, I’d like to point out that this movie was NOT filmed in Salem, except for maybe one shot that came from some archive or something. I looked it up, and it was filmed in Pasadena, CA. PASADENA IS NOT SALEM, NOT EVEN CLOSE, FUCK YOU FOR THINKING YOU COULD TRICK ME. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I also wanted to point out that none of the creepiness or scares came from atmosphere, and they were all jump scares that effectively startled Rampaige. Good for them. But the biggest highlight of this film centers around computers. You know how in movies that have a small budget, they have to cover up all corporate logos and shit? Well, when we see the daughter, whose name is Ali, she is using a computer and has a girly looking “A” sticker cover up the DELL logo. Okay, fine, whatever. When she goes into her brother’s room and see his computer, the DELL logo is covered up by CAUTION TAPE. THAT’S HOW IN TUNE THE FILMMAKERS ARE WITH YOUTH CULTURE. THEY KNOW THAT KIDS ARE SO STOKED ON DANGER, THEY ARBITRARILY CUT UP A PIECE OF CAUTION TAPE AND SLAP IT ON THE TOP OF THEIR COMPUTER. When we see Ali using her computer, she is using some sort of instant messaging service to chat with her friend. Ali’s screen name is something stupid like “Ali117″ or something equally as dumb. She is startled when she is messaged by the screen name “Salem 1692″. When she asks who this person is, they reply with the number 19. Why on Earth would someone respond like that? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE KILLED BECAUSE OF THE SHERIFF! This screen name also calls her “Ali”, which startles her. She responds with “How did you know my name?”, because to her, this person is a stranger. Apparently she forgot that HER FUCKING SCREEN NAME IS HER GODDAMN FIRST NAME. IF IT WAS A STRANGER, HE HAD A GOOD CHANCE OF HER USING HER OWN FIRST NAME IN HER SCREEN NAME. It was either that, or she was actually Muhammed Ali, but I don’t think he knows how to use a computer. Between the bad acting, writing, and absolutely no tension being built whatsoever, this movie was pretty awful, but wasn’t too bad for a laugh.Сайт знакомств

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Attack the Block (2011) [REVIEW]

December 12, 2011 2 Comments

I only had a small chunk of time to watch this movie, and unfortunately, I think I missed it completely. What the fuck am I talking about? Well, hold on a second and I’ll tell you, you asshole. What I meant to say was that I heard about this movie back in the spring, the fact that it was produced by Edgar Wright, was sci-fi action horror comedy, and that it was getting good reviews. From there, I determined this would be a film I would like to see. I tried to track it down in a few ways, and kept hearing more and more positive things, until it was eventually released in a theater nearby. I watched the trailer and wasn’t too impressed, but I had heard so many good things, I figured I’d give it a shot. A combination of circumstances prevented me from catching the theatrical release, and I just kept hearing more and more about how good it was. Not wanting my opinion to be biased by all the positive hype it was getting, I tried to ignore it completely. When it was finally released on Blu-ray, it was a long wait on Netflix, but clearly it got to me eventually. As much as I wished I could view it on its own, oblivious to all other people’s opinions, I think I needed to wait a few more years to judge it on its own merit.

That guy in front is named “Moses”, and despite the religious implications, he is still a street thug who mugs people and deals drugs. So very, very likable.

I think that in the UK teenage punks who commit petty crimes are referred to as “hoods”. If anyone can confirm that, I would appreciate it, but even if they aren’t referred to as that in the UK, I’m going to refer to them as “hoods” in this review. Anyways, the film opens with a group of hoods mugging a woman, only to be interrupted by a car being hit by something falling from the sky. When the hoods investigate what it is, it turns out to be some creature that kind of looks like Mousers from the Ninja Turtles, except covered in fur and with bigger teeth. They bring the dead creature to their drug dealer, who it is assumed is who these hoods answer to. In the meantime, more and more of these impacts from the sky are noticed by people through the neighborhood, causing a little bit of worry amongst this gang. More and more aliens are on the loose, and these are bigger. For this group of hoods, it seems almost like the aliens are targeting them, which might just be because their neighborhood (or “block”, for the purposes of this film) is the only place they’re concerned with. It’s when these hoods go into a room with a shit ton of weed is being grown thanks to giant UV lamps that it is reveled that one of the hoods is covered in something, presumably something he got covered with while killing the first creature. When this hood realizes he’s the one that caused of all this to happen, he takes it upon himself to give detailed instructions on how to create an explosion, using himself as bait, to much success. When all the creatures are dead, the police take him away because he is still wanted for being a little asshole thief drug dealer.

This reminds me of the place where I used to play lazer tag. You saw all the shit in someone’s teeth and all the sperm on their clothes. Or you could see the shit on someone’s clothes and the sperm in their teeth.

Stupid goddamn hype machine! I went into this movie thinking it would be the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen, so obviously I was upset over the fact that no, it was NOT the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen. Do you remember way back up at the top where I said that I thought this was going to be a sci-fi action horror comedy? Well, it was some of that, but not quite all of it. It was definitely a sci-fi action movie, but to say it fits it should ever be categorized as “horror” or “comedy” wouldn’t be correct. Of course, there are quite a few comedic elements, but aren’t there a lot of action movies with comedic moments? Same thing with the horror aspect, that it wasn’t too scary as you were waiting for the creatures to attack, but there were a few thrills and a few gruesome shots. Regardless of all this genre talk, I think that thing that prevented me from enjoying this movie too much was that I didn’t like any of the characters. I’m sure some people will argue that my summary of what happens is a little too simplified, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. It’s a group of punk kids who think they are badass for mugging a woman, and I’m supposed to give a shit that when THEY kill an alien, the aliens fight back? Or that the woman they originally mugged gets involved with the hoods and they say things like “If we had known you lived here, we wouldn’t have mugged you,” like it makes up for anything? No, they were little punks and sure, they saved some people’s lives by the end of the movie, but I’m not mad that the cops took them away at the end.

A little bit furry, a little bit Mouser, and a little bit of a Langolier. Yeah, that’s right, starring Balki from “Perfect Strangers” kind of Langoliers.

Once I overcame the fact that I didn’t really like any of the characters, except for the one played by Nick Frost, and got over the fact that this was neither all that horrific or all that comedic, I started to enjoy it a lot more. I think what I enjoyed most about this movie was just the overall visual style that director Joe Cornish used. One thing of note was the creatures themselves, which despite my comedic description, were actually pretty fear-inducing. This is mostly credited to their teeth, which seemed to glow a weird neon turquoise, and those teeth were just fucking giant. Even though the creatures themselves were a very dark black or were hiding in the dark, seeing nothing of them other than giant fucking glowing teeth was pretty cool. Cornish also able to use an in-plot device to get some pretty cool shots. I can’t quite remember why everyone was shooting fireworks throughout the whole movie, but they were, which meant that some of the hoods had plenty of fireworks that they used to startle the aliens. This led to some pretty cool shots involved fireworks and the smoke created by those fireworks, and you can imagine that combining some smoke with glowing teeth got some pretty cool shots. If you’re looking for horror comedy, try something like Evil Dead. If you’re looking for a fun, original sci-fi adventure where you might not like all of the characters but will tolerate them because of some comedic moments, then check out Attack the Block.

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Atrocious (2010) [REVIEW]

December 10, 2011 2 Comments

 

It’s hard to keep a frame of reference for when something is “popular” and “anticipated”, or when it’s “forced down your throat”. For example, I constantly saw ads and promotions for this movie coming out on home video, and it gave the impression that this was a movie people were actually interested in seeing. Clearly I had the good people of the world in mind when I determined I would get this movie and review, so the masses could finally see my thoughts on such an anticipated movie. Well, when the movie showed up and I started to watch it, I realized it was distributed by Bloody Disgusting, which just so happens to be a website that I regularly check for horror movie news. Apparently there really weren’t that many people talking about it throughout the world of the internet, but all the times I saw it promoted on BD made me think it was everyone in the world. Sorry, guys! Here’s another movie review that maybe some of you guys have possibly heard of.

 

So this is what passes for teenagers these days? I’m pretending to hear a Spanish language version of Skid Row’s “Youth Gone Wild” right now.

 

A group of teens or young adults or something, I can’t really tell how old they are, have a show in which they investigate urban legends/paranormal events. This leads them to a house in their family where there is supposedly a woman who disappeared from the woods and comes back to steal people out of those woods. The investigators try to get video coverage of lots of areas of the house, but there’s only so much they can do or investigate, and things start getting serious when their dog is found killed in the woods. There’s some further investigation that result in unseen forces physically assaulting some of the members of the group, leaving them so shocked that they can barely explain what has happened to them. Oh shit, have I mentioned that the opening of the film tells us that these characters are dead by the end and this is just found footage? Well, we already know that, but the further these violent assaults happen, the more the tension builds. Eventually it’s the mom of the investigators, I think, who ends up killing them? Maybe? I don’t know, it got kind of confusing and the mom wasn’t a memorable enough character to immediately recognize her as the killer. I don’t know, they were speaking in Spanish the whole time!

 

You looked better when in night-vision and not being terrorized.

 

I guess to say they were speaking in Spanish the whole time might not have been entirely accurate, because I watched it with the English dubbing because I don’t know how to read. It’s hard to say how much that dubbing effected my judgement of the acting, because I didn’t think anyone in it was all that good of an actor. I guess cutting out their voices would make me judge things quite differently. This movie had quite a low production value, as I’ve come to expect with all films that Bloody Disgusting distributes, but the goal is to take an independent movie and get it out there for more people to see. Despite the poor production value, what this movie did have going for it was the story. We’ve seen countless found footage movies, and yes, this is another one, but the urban legend of a possible ghost, resulting in these people being assaulted by an actual physical force was a nice twist. Maybe I could have paid closer attention to what was going on, but there was a good 20-25 minutes in the middle where I was really bored before things started to pick up. If a movie is barely over an hour long, and you have 20 boring minutes, that’s just about half the movie where I don’t care about what’s going on. So again, another Bloody Disgusting movie that had the best of intentions at its core, and some promising elements, but ultimately didn’t stand out. Maybe we can have an English language remake coming our way soon!

 

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SEND MORE COPS – Episode 3 out now! And the app!

December 5, 2011 2 Comments

I guess I’ve misled you guys twice in one post title. BUT ONLY KIND OF! Let me explain! It’s true that SEND MORE COPS is out now, but I guess the exclamation point would lead you to believe it has only recently become available. I released it last week, which you might not have known if you aren’t a subscriber. Which reminds me, why the fuck aren’t you subscribing? AND WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU RATED IT ON ITUNES?! How do you expect me to compete with This American Life if you aren’t rating it?! Sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling at you. But yes, it is out now, the same way that Episode 2 is also out now, the way that The Muppets is out now, the way that the Bible is out now. I promise though, there’s far more Big Bang Theory content in The Muppets and way more ranting and raving about pointless bullshit in the Bible.

 

The second lie? That thing about the app? Well, no, sadly there is no SEND MORE COPS app (yet), but there is still some news pertaining to apps! Have you guys heard of something called Stitcher? Apparently it’s an app where you can stream podcasts onto your phone, and supposedly there are people who prefer to use that than to download it. What does that have to do with anything? Well now SEND MORE COPS is available on Stitcher! You can search for it if you want, or click the picture below. And to download the new episode, you can do so by downloading directly or by going through iTunes, as always.

 

 

Episode 3

No theme song? No problem! Be sweetly serenaded by your host, Wolfman, who lets you know why there’s currently no theme song. Instead, Wolfman tells you his thoughts on a few trailers he has seen lately, some not so lately, as well as gives a quick rundown of all the movies currently in theaters. And by “all movies currently in theaters”, he means some of the movies playing specifically where he works.

 

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