I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006) [REVIEW]

 

You really didn’t expect me to watch the first two movies and NOT watch the third and final film, did you?! STOP BEING IDIOTS, GUYS. Although, to be fair, I suppose I’m the idiot because I sat down and committed to watching this piece of shit. I just…I can’t…I DON’T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I DID THIS TO MYSELF. Maybe I just felt that compulsion to complete the trilogy, maybe I thought there could be something redeeming about it, maybe I thought that Jennifer Love Hewitt would make an appearance, I really can’t say. Remember when I was watching the four major franchises and when it came down to explaining why I had watched them I decided to skip it? I wish I had done that here, because the only reason I watched this movie was to have seen them all. ARE YOU GUYS GETTING IT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND IT NOW? I’m sorry, I’m more mad at myself than I am at you.

 

So this is where we’re going now? Oh, okay.

 

A group of friends are at a carnival and are explaining the story of the fisherman on a rampage killing kids when all of a sudden the fisherman starts chasing them! One friend gets chased to a rooftop by the fisherman and then he does a gnarly skateboarding trick off of the roof, but then the fisherman finds the rest of his friends and its revealed to all be a prank! Those prankers! Unfortunately, the extreme skateboarder did the prank wrong and died, so all the friends make a pact to never tell anyone the truth of what happened, which in no way will come back to haunt them. OR DOES IT?! It does. A year later, the friends start getting text messages or notes carved onto their motorbikes or collages on their bedroom walls implying that someone knows something about some event from the previous season when the Sun is closest to Earth. Someone in a fisherman outfit starts killing them, one at a time, and once we get to the end of the movie and the fisherman is revealed, we see that it’s the original fisherman who is now a ghost or zombie or something. He gets shoved into farm equipment and is completely obliterated, that is, until a year after THAT we see one of the friends getting attacked by a fisherman and the movie ends.

 

That girl with the black hair used her angst and mental anguish to start a hard rock band but I couldn’t find any pictures of it. Just listen to that band KITTIE and you’ll know what it sounded like.

 

OH I GET IT, HE’S A GHOST NOW, RIGHT? So fucking stupid. I’d first like to point out how ridiculous it was for the opening scene to connect this film to the previous films by arbitrarily telling the story of the fisherman. It would have made more sense had they just made it a brother or a sister or something of one of the original cast members than to just toss that exposition in there. Even when the fisherman was running wild through the carnival, NOBODY ELSE GAVE A SHIT. It wasn’t like everyone at this carnival was terrified that the fisherman was back, it was JUST these friends running around and pretending to be scared. The first movie took place in North Carolina and this movie took place somewhere that people going skiing, so the opening segment might as well have been, “Hey guys, something scary happened somewhere and 15 people died and isn’t that crazy?!” Add to that the fact that apparently the fisherman is now a zombie or a ghost or something for no reason whatsoever? It wasn’t even a copycat killer or anything, just a weird supernatural twist that was pointless and stupid and THIS MOVIE WAS A SUCKY PIECE OF TURD.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

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