I know that a lot of people talk shit on The Ward, or at least, talk about how John Carpenter was just kind of phoning it in, but…wait, I feel that way too. Well, the phoning it in part, yeah, but the story itself wasn’t all that bad. Granted, I’m not a big fan of the whole psychological thriller sub-genre, but I was entertained and was at least somewhat surprised with the ending. What does this have to do with anything? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED YOU NIMWIT. The Ward was written by Michael and Shawn Rasmussen, and guess what? DARK FEED WAS WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY MICHAEL AND SHAWN RASMUSSEN! Oh my Cthulhu it’s all coming together. Anyways, the thing that stood out most with Dark Feed was the tagline, which is “Insanity can be contagious”. Hahahahahaha, holy shit what a terrible tagline. As if that tagline wasn’t dumb enough already, the description on the back of the DVD included THE SAME FUCKING TAGLINE. Seriously?! You included your tagline in your movie’s description?! GODDAMMIT. Despite that terrible tagline, I thought maybe the Rasmussen brothers might provide me with at least 85 minutes of entertainment, and boy, was I sure as shit wrong!
Uh oh, Neo woke up from The Matrix and is PISSED.
As a movie crew is shooting in an abandoned asylum, the screenwriter decides to pay a visit to the set. You might think that the only reason for the screenwriter paying a set visit is so that the audience can be introduced to all of the characters in the movie, and you’d be ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, DUH. So this film crew is wandering around and at some point that get to some sort of water reservoir filtration thing, or something, and someone brings up the fact that one of the former doctors administered some sort of medication into the water. OH MAN, I CAN’T BELIEVE A DOCTOR AT AN ASYLUM DID SOMETHING FUCKED UP! Since the evil deed had something to do with water, there’s a whole bunch of shots of dark-colored water creeping around and dripping and it’s like, SUUUUUPER creepy. I’m sorry, I’m just getting so mad typing this up. Everyone starts going crazy and it’s really dumb and at one point, an actor is told to shave, so he shaves all of the hair off of his body. I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. The writer character, who I think is the one the audience is supposed to connect with, is noticing all these people going crazy and tries to escape. He fails. Someone shows up the next morning and immediately goes crazy by stapling her eyes shut. THE END. WOW THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE.
Originality? WE’VE GOT A BIG BREASTED GIRL IN A NURSE’S OUTFIT IN AN ASYLUM. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED OUT OF A MOVIE?!
JK THAT MOVIE WAS AWFUL. Fuck. I don’t even know where to begin. By having a movie ABOUT a group of people making a movie, it had this weird “humor” to it where you couldn’t really tell if they were intentionally mocking Hollywood or they just didn’t really have that good of actors. One scene in particular that was obviously intended to be humorous involved a girl making a smoothie and putting her hand in the blender and then serving the bloody smoothie to a member of the crew. We saw him take a sip and then they cut to a different shot but you could hear him in the background shouting about how that smoothie tasted like shit. The problem is that this was probably the closest to laughing I got, so what the fuck guys? Were you trying to be funny and it just wasn’t successful or were you trying to be serious and it was laughably bad? Another HUGE problem that I had with this film, as well as with every other film that takes place in an asylum, is the fact that it’s taking place in an asylum is ENOUGH background information to make it creepy. The reason why asylums don’t exist anymore is because of how terribly the patients were treated, both physically and mentally, and typically the doctors and nurses didn’t have much regard for the well-being of the patients. YOU DON’T NEED TO ADD STUPID EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES TO MAKE THE DOCTORS AT THAT ASYLUM EVEN CRAZIER. FUCK. It’s like having a movie take place in a cemetery and then spending a bunch of the time explaining how the people who died there died in an even CRAZIER way than anyone else who ever died. WHOA! THAT’S PRETTY SCARY! Or what about a movie that takes place in a haunted house that explains how THESE ghosts are even CRAZIER ghosts than you’ve ever seen before! Wow! I’m glad we used up time in our film to explain why these ghosts aren’t your average ghosts, causing them to be even scarier than any other ghost! Clearly I have seem deeper, darker emotions on the subject that aren’t entirely the fault of Dark Feed, but they’re just as guilty of trying to make asylums “creepier” than they already are, in addition to all the other things wrong with this film, so they get the Wolf-Rage. Maybe your next movie will be better, guys!
Wolfman Moon Scale