How awesome is Sean Bean?Even though he dies in practically everything he’s in, he’s still awesome until that point. I’ve had Black Death on my instant queue for a long ass time, and I’ve only heard positive things about it, but just never really found enough interest in watching it. There are witches and plagues and beards and swords, so it’s got a whole bunch of stuff I normally like, but it had to constantly compete with rewatching episodes of Archer. By the way, holy shit, how good is Archer? SO FUCKING GOOD. I wish I was watching it now instead of writing this stupid ass review! Anyways, I watched this movie, and there are MILD spoilers, but I don’t give away the ending because there are enough interesting twists towards the end that make the movie more enjoyable. I mean seriously guys, I don’t TRY to ruin things! However, if you want me to vaguely ramble about this movie, feel free to read this review.
I don’t know how Sean Bean could ever be in a movie where he’s not bearded and holding a sword. He was born for it.
Back in the olden times, when there was a black plague running around, there’s a monk who has fallen in love with a lady. She’s real dirty, because those people didn’t bathe much. She leaves the monastery where the monk is, and he tells her he can’t do her because he’s a monk, but she tells him that if he’s still interested, she’ll wait for him for a week at a different village. The monk waits for a “sign”, so when a group of soldiers show up looking for directions to a village near the village where she’ll be waiting, the monk is all, “Oh shit, sign me up!” This monk joins this posse of soldiers, whose reason for going to this one specific village is that there’s rumors of a woman living there who can bring the dead back to life. Once this posse gets to the town, the supposed witch lady shows the monk his dead girlfriend, explaining that she was found in the woods this way, bumming him out pretty hard. Everyone in this village seems to renounce God, and when the monk follows some of the villagers to a ceremony, he sees his girlfriend being brought back from the dead. What the hell?! How can that happen?! The villagers then capture the posse and say they’ll only release them if they renounce God, some of which do, and some of which die. There’s twists, there’s turns, there’s witches, there’s maybe not witches, but everybody learns the lesson that it would have sucked to be alive in the 1300s.
Hahahaha look at Eddie Redmayne and his stupid fucking haircut!
I didn’t want to spoil the movie, because even though this movie wasn’t necessarily for me, I can see how other people could really dig it. My reaction to the movie is a lot like my reaction to The Burrowers, which is that I didn’t dislike the movie, but I really wish I could like it as much as I know other people do/will. There weren’t really any elements that were done poorly, in fact, I’d say that everything was done quite well. The acting, the direction, the story were all interesting, just something didn’t really click with me. The overall story was also similar to something like The Wicker Man, where you have characters finding their way to a village and those villagers tricking the outsiders into thinking they’re totally normal, only to reveal that they’re all a bunch of weirdos. A big difference was that The Wicker Man was able to create a sense of tension and unease just through the strangeness of the characters, whereas in Black Death, you weren’t really surprised that this community had a bunch of weirdos. Also, the soldiers don’t even arrive at the village until about halfway through the movie, and you spend a good portion of time just watching these soldiers traveling. I’m not sure if that was done to help build the characters or show people how cool these dudes were or what, but I wasn’t really interested in their travels. And come to think of it, there wasn’t really anything scary about the movie. Not that the movie was necessarily trying to be scary, so much as it was a fantasy/sci-fi movie, but considering all those different elements, I thought there’d be something in there that would be creepy. Again, there wasn’t really anything bad about the movie, just ended up not really being for me.
Wolfman Moon Scale