3 Stars « The Wolfman Cometh

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

April 6, 2011 Leave a Comment

Did you really expect me to watch the first one and not watch the second one? What are you, dumb or retarded? I guess I am the retarded one because I also own this on DVD, along with the first. My initial plan to see this film happened to coincide with another road trip I was taking, this time with Beardy, and we were meeting up with Lazer and Steve-o Beevo in Chicago. The four of us were going to see it one night, but then I think we got distracted and ate pizza. While walking around with Beardy and Lazer the next day, we got a call from Steve-o Beevo who had JUST FUCKING SEEN IT WITHOUT US. WHAT A COCK. The three of us were too distraught to go see it without him, even as an act of revenge, so I didn’t see it until the trip was over, and I saw it alone. How sad.

In the words of Rampaige, Johnny Storm is about to get choke slammed to Hell

We have all the same actors portraying the same characters, and since I just listed who those people were, I don’t feel like listing them again. Reed Richards and Sue Storm and finally tying the knot, but shit keeps getting in the way, like saving the world. In response to these two getting married, we have to deal with the shitty subplot about Johnny Storm fucking too many girls and not having a girlfriend. Whaaa??? When the wedding officially starts getting underway, the military interrupts because there is some sort of cosmic disturbance that looks like some sort of silver guy on a surfboard or something. Johnny takes after him, only to get beaten like a pussy in outer space. One thing that Johnny takes with him is a little bit of the Silver Surfers power cosmic, which after he touches his teammates, he is able to swap powers with them.

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE, THE TRASH STORE?! Hahahaha, get it? Because her hair looks shitty and weird?

Meanwhile, Dr. Doom is back to his old tricks and wants to take the surfer’s board in order to elevate his own powers. The government hires the four friends and Dr. Dickwad to figure out how to capture the surfer, which they succeed in. But guess what? Dr. Doom double-crosses them! Now the surfer and the friend squad are being held captive, and the surfer, real name Norrin Radd, reveals that he is a herald for an intergalactic enemy named Galactus that is on his way to destroy the planet. Norrin appears to be devoid of emotion, but the subtle seduction of Sue Storm shows him there is a reason to not be a dickhead, so with the Fantastic Four’s help, they all escape to get the surfboard back from Dr. Doom. Remember when I talked about power absorption? Well there is a shitty piece of dialogue about “Oh man, we can’t take Victor down, not even all four us are strong enough! BUT WAIT…what if all four of us combine into ONE OF US…HOLY SHIT WE DID IT.” So lame. They get the board back, but not without Sue Storm dying. WHOOPS. The Surfer gets his board back and goes to fight Galactus. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Galactus is this giant guy wearing purple with arms and legs and hands and a helmet. In this movie? He is a giant storm? Or cloud? Some bullshit like that. The Silver Surfer fights the cloud and I guess kills it, and when he gets back to Earth is able to save sexy Sue Storm swiftly, Silver Surfer, Sufjan Stevens, superb! Sorry, I like S’s. Then Reed and Sue get married, once again having Brian Posehn as the priest. Cool!

Norrin Radd getting all Matrix-y and shit with the melty building

With a sequel, you generally have to raise the stakes a little bit, which this movie did, which worked in some ways and in some ways didn’t. There was less of a focus on Sue and Reed in this one, and a little bit more on Johnny, so clearly the filmmakers understood the stronger performances. However, Reed and Sue also seemed to be even shittier in this movie than they were in the previous one. And I’m not one to nitpick or anything, but Jessica Alba’s hair LOOKED LIKE SHIT. I mean, we get it, Sue is always portrayed as blonde, and in the first one, she was a brunette with highlights, which was fine. And now it was fucking bleach blonde horse hair that I knew even before meeting Rampaige was shitty and gross. Not that Rampaige has shitty, gross hair, but she never shuts up about fucking hair, she’s a psycho. If the movie was a rehash of the first, it would get the same score as the first one would, since the positive and negative changes balance out. What made this film a more interesting one was the addition of the Silver Surfer, mostly just because his scenes looked pretty cool. Not his storyline necessarily, but seeing the effects of him flying around and fighting things was kind of cool. Slightly better than the first, but still shouldn’t be too upset for skipping.

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Filed under 3 Stars, 3 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with beardy, brian posehn, captain america, captain america movie, captain america: the first avenger, chris evans, comic book, Comics, cthulhu, daredevil, death, dr. doom, dvd, fantastic 4, fantastic 4: rise of the silver surfer, Fantastic Four, FF, galactus, human torch, invisible woman, ioan gruffudd, jessica alba, jessica alba cell phone leaked pictures, johnny storm, jonathan hickman, julian mcmahon, lazer, marvel, michael chiklis, moussa, movie, mr. fantastic, nip/tuck, norrin radd, outer space, radiation, reed richards, road trips, rocks, ryoji, science, Silver Surfer, spider-man, storm, straight edge, superpowers, susan storm, team submarine, the first avenger, the thing, toad, victor von doom, x-men

TMNT (2007)

February 19, 2011 Leave a Comment

Remember how pumped I was on this movie coming out? I do! I was a big fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles growing up, and saw the first two movies, so why wouldn’t I have been excited about seeing this? I was working at a movie theater where it was being released when it originally came out, and I got to watch it the Thursday evening before it was supposed to be released, and I also invited a few friends along. More importantly, I had invited Nate Cabana, Adam Bach, and Brian J. Goddard. Do you know these people? Well, you should. Anyways, I was hard at work on a Thursday night, trying to do my work as quickly as possible to get ready. I was contacted by Brian, mentioning that he might be a few minutes late, but to get the movie started anyway. It doesn’t matter that I was sad that my friends weren’t there on time, it didn’t matter that they showed up once the movie already had started, but what did matter? Oh, I don’t know, maybe the fact that they SURPRISED ME WITH A WHOLE FUCKING PIZZA FROM ANTONIO’S……AND SODA. How could I have overlooked these details? In my years growing up, I had forgotten what’s important. For the Ninja Turtles, it’s about soda, pizza, friends, and crime-fighting. And I had finally had all of those things….especially the crime-fighting.

Oh, and they made the turtles gay. Did I mention that? Gay brothers!

This film takes place after the events of the first three films, supposedly, which is kind of confusing, considering this one is animated and the other three aren’t. I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it establishes why the group isn’t together. Leonardo is down in Central America, fighting for the people in poverty or something like that, when he is visited by April O’ Neil in an effort to convince him to come back. Donatello and Michelangelo and working shitty jobs, an IT operator and pizza delivery guy, and Raphael is always tired, because he is also a vigilante known as Nightwatcher. Leonardo comes back to join them, which happens to coincide with demon things being released onto the city. If all the demons aren’t taken care of, there will be worse demons on the way. Remember Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed? Imagine that plot, but with the Ninja Turtles. They fight bad guys, they eat pizza, do ninja stuff, and there’s an awesome fight between Leonardo and Raphael on the rainy rooftops, but they eventually put their differences behind them to fight bad guys. Did I mention Casey Jones is there to help? Well, he is! So the good guys win, the bad guys lose, Splinter is their mentor, and all the turtles are doing flips and jumping off of things. Success!

There’s something physically impossible about April’s physique in this movie…….impossibly SEXY! HEY OH!

This is the best installment in the TMNT franchise since the original film. Maybe that’s not saying much, but everyone seems to have fond memories of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. But you know what? That movie fucking sucked. I don’t know why people remember that movie being awesome, because it wasn’t. The first film is pretty dark, and isn’t too cartoony, Raphael gets the shit kicked out of him, Casey Jones is a badass, Splinter gets captured, all good things. Secret of the Ooze had Vanilla Ice, a shitty plot, even more cartoony, and no Casey Jones as well as no Corey Feldman voicing Donatello. The third film had Corey Feldman again, and Casey Jones came back, but the entire plot sucks and is terrible. This installment had pretty cool action, considering it was animated, it wasn’t too silly, and the look of the film was a lot darker and more similar looking to the original black and white comics. That’s something most people forget, is that this comic was originally black and white, and started in Northampton, MA, and it wasn’t until the animated TV show that all the turtles got different colors and apparently lived in New York City. Don’t believe me? I have some comics where they mention Northampton by name. BY NAME, I SAY! There’s also a scene at the end where you get to see Shredder’s helmet up on a shelf, and dumb little kids won’t get that reference. Oh, and the fight between Raphael and Leonardo might be one of the best scenes of anything related to the turtles. Although they have had their differences and there has always been tension between the two, it was typically a lot more subtle, that to see it come to fruition in such a big way was really awesome. As embarrassing as it was, I remember gripping the arms of the seat I was sitting in really tightly, because I didn’t believe these turtles would be beating the shit out of each other. Then again, I might have just been excited because of the pizza.

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Filed under 3 Stars, 3 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with 2007, donatello, kevin eastman, leonardo, michelangelo, mirage, ninja rap, northampton massachusetts, peter laird, raphael, shredder, splinter, teenage mutant ninja turtles, the foot clan, the secret of the ooze, tmnt, vanilla ice

Daredevil (2003)

December 5, 2010 5 Comments

Maybe I am just a little too optimistic when it comes to comic book movies, or maybe I just love me some Daredevil a little too much, but I always defend this movie when people talk shit on it. Obviously the first time I walked out of the theater after having seen it, I knew it was bad. I think everybody knew this movie was bad. And in all honesty, there aren’t that many reasons why it should be considered good. The fact that this movie had a Director’s Cut released, however, I think proves that there were only the best intentions when it came to making this movie. Also, anytime someone talks shit on it, there are two other more recent comic book movies that are terrible, those two films being “Ghost Rider” and “Elektra”, with the former being just a little bit better than the latter. At least when Ghost Rider is riding his flame motorcycle and whipping chains all over the place, it’s kind of badass to look at. Even though Jennifer Garner was running around in skimpy bondage gear all through her film, it was just so fucking shitty to watch, and Jennifer Garner, a.k.a. Duck Face, doesn’t do anything for me. And believe it or not, yes, I am a heterosexual male who would rather watch a skeleton riding a flaming motorcycle than a girl in skimpy bondage gear. And before anyone leaves a comment about it, “Sounds like the motorcycle isn’t the only thing that’s flaming”.

Blind, but still has an eye for fashion. Also, sometimes he had red (weird orange) hair, other times, not so much. WTF guys?!

Matt Murdock, played by Ben Affleck, is the son of an arguably washed up boxer living in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood of New York. An accident blinds him, but heightens all of his other senses, giving him near superhuman abilities. When his father refuses to throw a fight, he is murdered, and Matt spends the rest of his life making sure that justice is dished out accordingly, both with his vigilantism as Daredevil at night, as well as his career as a lawyer. The Kingpin, played by Michael Clarke Duncan, is the head of organized crime in the city, and hires a hitman, Bullseye, played by Colin Farrell, who “never misses” his target. In a hit gone wrong, Bullseye kills the father of Elektra Natchios, played by Duck Face, who is Matt Murdock’s love interest. Through bad circumstances, Elektra blames Daredevil for her father’s death and goes after him, and then there is this big rooftop three-way fight kind of thing with Bullseye, Elektra, and Daredevil all kind of fighting each other. Bullseye kills Elektra in the process, but Daredevil critically wounds Bullseye and leaves him for dead as he goes after the Kingpin. Once the battle ends, Daredevil is put in the position to kill the person responsible for his father’s death, but instead chooses to let the police deal with it and let justice be handled through the court system, rather than street justice.

So leathery…so horny…the costumes, I mean

I wanted to point out the bad things about this movie first, but it’s kind of hard to pinpoint all of them. That fight on the playground between Elektra and matt Murdock? Yeah, pretty ridiculous, I’ll give you that. The whole thing just seemed rushed. Once Marvel saw how successful the Spider-Man movie was, that was released the year prior, it seemed like they just picked a superhero name from a hat to see who got the next film. Once Daredevil was chosen, they just chose some actors who were “hot” at the time, rather than seeing how they all worked together. This was just NOT a role for Jennifer Garner, but her show “Alias” was doing well, so they threw her in there. Ben Affleck provided the big “star” name, and he really wasn’t THAT terrible, he just wasn’t really all that good. Same thing with Michael Clarke Duncan, he didn’t do a bad job, he just seemed kind of out of place. Colin Farrell was pretty awesome in how insanely over the top his performance was, which Bullseye pretty much is. He just lacked that insanity that the character has, so he was more laughable than he was intimidating. He could have said all the same lines, but if there was a little bit more of an edge to it, or were there a few changes here or there, he would have pulled it off, but instead he just heightened the overall sense of silliness to the whole film.

Wait…Kingpin is black?! Bullseye has an actual bullseye on his face?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO MY WORLD.

Now, let’s try some good things. The director’s cut of this film has 25 extra minutes, mostly with courtroom investigating. That has always been a big part of Daredevil/Matt Murdock, which is that he is short-sighted (LOL he’s blind). He focuses on only one neighborhood to protect, and is pretty self-centered as well as a little egotistical. These personality quirks were demonstrated a lot more in those scenes. As far as the “action” scenes, or any time he is jumping around, there are quite a few similarities to images from the comics that seemed almost shot for shot, so you can tell that the people behind the movie had actually opened the book before. Speaking of opening up the comics, I can’t think of another single comic book movie that referenced as many important creators involved with that character than this film. Stan Lee has his cameo, and Kevin Smith, who wrote a Daredevil storyline, played someone named “Kirby”, named after Jack Kirby, who is as important to Marvel’s history as Stan Lee. The names Everett, Quesada, Colan, Romita, Kane, Miller, Mack, and Bendis are used, all of these people being tied to writing/creating/illustrating Daredevil through the years. Frank Miller also has a cameo in the film, so that’s another one. Ultimately, I feel this film had good intentions, was had talented people involved with it, but everything was just rushed to try to cash in on the Spider-Man success, and hopefully one day we see another attempt at a Daredevil movie. And you’re right, the theatrical version does suck, and the director’s cut is a little bit better, but this film isn’t going to be winning any awards for anything other than it’s shittiness.

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Filed under 3 Stars, 3 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with andy diggle, ben affleck, blind, brubaker, bullseye, chruch, Colan, colin farrell, confession, coolio, daredevil, elektra, Everett, foggy nelson, ghost rider, hatebreed, jennifer garner, jon favreau, justice is served, Kane, kevin smith, kingpin, lawyers, leather, Mack, marvel, michael clarke duncan, Miller, nic cage, nicolas cage, preacher, priests, punching, Quesada, Romita, spider-man, vengeance is born

Green Lantern: First Flight (2009)

June 16, 2010 Leave a Comment

I’ve seen quite a few of these straight-to-video comic book movies now, and they generally aren’t too impressive. I remember liking the first Ultimate Avengers movie, then the sequel was okay at best. The Invincible Iron Man was pretty terrible, and Superman/Doomsday was tolerable. Then you had Gotham Knight, which was pretty good, because it was multiple short films with different creative teams behind them. Hulk vs. Thor and Hulk vs. Wolverine came on the same DVD, which was okay, and Planet Hulk was pretty forgettable. So let’s just say that despite hearing that this was good, my expectations weren’t that high. I mean, how bad can a movie get in an hour and fifteen minutes?

Does anyone else assume all of his clothes smell like mint?

We start the film with test pilot Hal Jordan testing a flight simulator while an alien ship lands to Earth. All Green Lanterns, because yes, there are multiple members of the Green Lantern Corps, get their power from the help of a ring, which feeds off of their respective willpower. The alien aboard the ship dies and Hal Jordan is the latest recipient of the ring. He then meets up with other members of the Green Lantern Corps, and specifically, meets Sinestro. We then get to see Hal Jordan learn his powers and learn more about the mentor/apprentice relationship the develops with Sinestro. We ultimately find out the Sinestro has betrayed him and he eventually harnesses the power of a new lantern, which is based on fear rather than willpower. Then we have a typical showdown, and the good guys win. Surpisingly.

Good to know the Green Lantern Corps don’t have a weight limit, or a heart-throb detection device

One thing I noticed as early as the credits was that Christopher Meloni was the voice of Hal Jordan, who is awesome. And that Michael Madsen voiced one of the characters as well. Not to say that this movie brought out some A-list cast or anything, but it seemed like the production value was slightly higher than other straight-to-video comic book films. Another I noticed before the movie even started was that it was rated PG-13, so I had expected blood and cursing. I’m not even sure if they said “ass” a single time, so I’m not too sure why it was rated PG-13. I think this film actually did a pretty good job of appealing to either die-hard fans or you had never read a single issue of Green Lantern in your life. It didn’t stick to one specific storyline from the comics, so it gave something new to people who were familiar with the character, as well as stayed faithful with important plot points. And by showing the origin and main characters, as well as relating events in the film to the current comics canon, anyone who enjoyed the movie wouldn’t have too hard a time going to a comic book store and start buying Green Lantern comics. And considering the movie that’s coming out next year, trying to get as big of a fanbase as possible ahead of time is going to help make it a blockbuster.

You know how you can tell Sinestro’s bad? That mustache. That creepy child molester mustache. Be right back, gotta shave mine off after typing that.

This story isn’t really related to the review, but it’s pretty funny so I thought I’d share it. This past Christmas, Paige wanted to buy me some action figures. She ended up getting me the Marvel Legends versions of Iron Man and Captain America. After the presents were exchanged, she asked me who Green Lantern was and a little bit of his backstory. Wondering why she was interested, she informed me that she knew I like Green Lantern, but when she went to the comic book store, she saw a figure of a black Green Lantern and a figure of a white Green Lantern. She got confused, and bought Marvel figures instead. I would insert some comment about how racist she is right here, but I know she’s embarrassed enough to be mentioned in this blog, she doesn’t need possible racism added to it.

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Filed under 3 Stars, 3 Stars, Comics, Non-Horror Film Tagged with christopher meloni, dc, green lantern, green lantern corps, green lantern first flight, mark strong, michael madsen, ryan reynolds, scarlett johansson, sinestro, stan lee

Deadpool

March 6, 2010 Leave a Comment

You might not recognize who you’re looking at, but I’m sure the name is certainly familiar. Deadpool is working his way up the ranks from D-list Marvel superhero to C-list, possibly even B-list status. This is mostly thanks to the fact that he was involved in the Wolverine: Origins movie, as well as the fact that he is currently the star of three, about to be four, titles at your local comic book store. By the time you finish reading this sentence, there will probably be another title. And I’m sure you have been reading the blogs and websites talking about development for the Deadpool movie, starring Ryan Reynolds. With this post, I will give a little background on the character as well as review the three more popular titles that currently have his namesake so that when you finally see a trailer for this movie, you can act like you have been down since the beginning.

“NEEDS MORE POUCHES!” – Rob Liefeld

The absolute worst part about Deadpool is the fact that he was created by an absolute idiot named Rob Liefeld, who is absolutely insane. Not so much in any type of cool “Oh my god, look how cool the things are this artist is doing, he must be INSANE!” kinds of way, but in the sense of “Has this man ever seen a human woman, let alone human ANYTHING?’. It’s like Liefeld was sitting around thinking “Hmmm, if only there was a way I could have a character whose super power was the use of guns, samurai swords, and a plethora of pouches! And he should wear black and red, and probably have DEATH or something like that in the name…”. To get a better understanding of the insanity of Rob Liefeld, please consult this website: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/robliefeld.html

That is one shiny sword

ANYWAYS, the simplified backstory involves Deadpool, a.k.a. Wade Wilson, having Cancer and being experimented on with the Weapon X program. Specifically, Wolverine’s healing factor was extracted and applied to Deadpool, which gave him regenerative power, as well as made the Cancer super strong. This means he is powerful enough to grow back limbs or heads, but also covers his body in tumors and makes him horribly disfigured. In an issue of Cable & Deadpool quite a few years back, Deadpool actually described himself as a cross between Ryan Reynolds and a shar pei. In addition to being nearly immortal, he generally relies on his super agility and reflexes, exploiting them as an assassin. One of his nicknames is the “Merc with a Mouth”, Merc being pronounced like mer-k, despite the fact that it is short for mercenary.

And the hilarity ensues…

One of the more interesting aspects to Deadpool’s abilities are the fact that the experiments have driven him absolutely insane. Not Rob Liefeld insane, but the wacky kind of insane, which is probably the reason he has become such a fan favorite. He is constantly making jokes and quips to his counterparts in the comics, and has even taken advantage of the comic book format and their tendencies to have thought bubbles. Deadpool constantly has multiple conversations and arguments between his different personalities, as well talking to the reader of the comic book directly and breaking the fourth wall. To give an idea of his “humor”, it’s like if you were to say Spider-man was Patton Oswalt, Deadpool would be like Zach Galifiankis. Instead of actual jokes, it’s just a constant stream of non-sequiturs.

Merc With A Mouth

If you were to only read one Deadpool title, I would definitely pick this one up. Before you even open the issues, you would see that all of the covers are parodies of famous movie posters, which make the cover price worth it alone. Once you open up the issue, you get just what you pay for…a wacky mercenary blowing things up and saying insane things, as well as babes with huge boobs in various levels of undress. I believe the current storyline also involves traveling between dimensions with his partner in crime, which happens to be a zombified version of his own head. I would also like to point out that the art is done by a guy named BONG DAZO. That’s right, his name is goddamned BONG DAZO. Now, if that name alone isn’t enough to draw you in, take a look at this:

Dinosaurs, zombie heads, and babes. Looks like the inside of my head.

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Deadpool

The beginning of this series was pretty good, up until around issue 13. He was doing classic Deadpool stuff, running around, blowing stuff up, saying silly things, and it was a lot of fun when he started getting into fights with Bullseye (who if you remember your Marvel universe, was actually posing as Hawkeye). Once the whole X-Men Utopia event happened, things got a little weird with Deadpool trying to join the X-Men (again), and I don’t really remember where it ended up going, because I was bored with it. However, the last couple issues involved teaming up with Spider-man to take down a mysterious character referred to as Hitman Monkey….who is a hitman, that’s a monkey. Hopefully things pick up and it gets better again.

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Deadpool Team-Up

I feel like this series was either a joke or a bet that someone won/lost, thus resulting in a series that is being released in reverse chronological order? Yeah, my thoughts exactly. A few months ago, some flagship Marvel series were reaching pivotal issue numbers, thus causing them to start renumbering their issues. Captain America, Incredible Hulk, and The Amazing Spider-man all hit issue number 600, as well as Daredevil reaching issue 500. Shortly after that, they released Deadpool, issue #900, which I thought was going to be a one shot book poking fun of all those other titles. Little did I know it was a starting point for Deadpool Team-Up to start releasing the following month, starting with issue #899, with numbers decreasing since then. Most of these issues involve Deadpool teaming up with a D-list character to take down some characters you’ve never heard of. Really not worth it, but come on, look how cool that black and red guy with all the guns look!

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