Ghosts? Salem, MA? Based on true events? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?! Sure, it was a straight to video release, but since when does that mean it has to be bad?! I was tipped off by the opening credits just how fucking terrible this piece of shit was going to be, which sometimes takes me longer to figure out with other movies. First of all, they fucking BLEW through every single credit for the movie in about 30 second. I’m pretty sure you had to pause the movie if you were hoping to get a clear look at anybody’s name. Another thing I learned was that this was released by Asylum, the company responsible for a plethora of SyFy shit shows, as well as all of those Paranormal Entity/Transmorphers/Snakes on a Train movies. The only thing I could hope for would be that this movie would be bad enough that there’d be a few laughs, but did I? Read further to find out! In case you don’t have the time, yes, I did laugh at it.
Some solid acting where she acts like she doesn’t want to puke all over her “husband’s” face.
There’s a new sheriff in Salem, MA, and it is a guy who looks like Dobby from Harry Potter, played by Bill Oberst, Jr. This movie is already going to be a stretch to believe any of, because his wife, played by Courtney Abbiati, is attractive, making her COMPLETELY out of his league. Anyways, the two of them, along with their kids, move into the house in Salem where every sheriff has lived for a billion years or whatever. You’d think they’d live a quiet, happy life in Salem and nothing bad ever happened to them at all. WELL YOU’D BE WRONG FOR THINKING THAT, OBVIOUSLY. Objects have been moving around, a huge string of hair is pulled from out of the shower with a tooth attached, you know, standard stuff. Their daughter even starts getting sick and puking on the breakfast table, which makes new sheriff guy start to investigate these weird things. Remember when I said all the sheriffs have lived here? Well, that even means the sheriffs responsible for all the witches who were hung during the Salem Witch Trials! Nooooo!!!! Now they’re seeking revenge! Anyways, the whole family is either killed by the ghosts directly or indirectly, and eventually the sheriff tries to set it on fire, only to be startled by a ghost and have the credits roll.
Pretty sure daughter “Ali” weighed about 75 pounds…AND DAMN, THAT IS HOT.
Sounds pretty terrible, right? Well you’d be right for making that assumption. It was quite awful. Luckily, there were a few moments that were so awful, that to remember them causes me to chuckle. Before I get to that though, I’d like to point out that this movie was NOT filmed in Salem, except for maybe one shot that came from some archive or something. I looked it up, and it was filmed in Pasadena, CA. PASADENA IS NOT SALEM, NOT EVEN CLOSE, FUCK YOU FOR THINKING YOU COULD TRICK ME. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I also wanted to point out that none of the creepiness or scares came from atmosphere, and they were all jump scares that effectively startled Rampaige. Good for them. But the biggest highlight of this film centers around computers. You know how in movies that have a small budget, they have to cover up all corporate logos and shit? Well, when we see the daughter, whose name is Ali, she is using a computer and has a girly looking “A” sticker cover up the DELL logo. Okay, fine, whatever. When she goes into her brother’s room and see his computer, the DELL logo is covered up by CAUTION TAPE. THAT’S HOW IN TUNE THE FILMMAKERS ARE WITH YOUTH CULTURE. THEY KNOW THAT KIDS ARE SO STOKED ON DANGER, THEY ARBITRARILY CUT UP A PIECE OF CAUTION TAPE AND SLAP IT ON THE TOP OF THEIR COMPUTER. When we see Ali using her computer, she is using some sort of instant messaging service to chat with her friend. Ali’s screen name is something stupid like “Ali117″ or something equally as dumb. She is startled when she is messaged by the screen name “Salem 1692″. When she asks who this person is, they reply with the number 19. Why on Earth would someone respond like that? BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE KILLED BECAUSE OF THE SHERIFF! This screen name also calls her “Ali”, which startles her. She responds with “How did you know my name?”, because to her, this person is a stranger. Apparently she forgot that HER FUCKING SCREEN NAME IS HER GODDAMN FIRST NAME. IF IT WAS A STRANGER, HE HAD A GOOD CHANCE OF HER USING HER OWN FIRST NAME IN HER SCREEN NAME. It was either that, or she was actually Muhammed Ali, but I don’t think he knows how to use a computer. Between the bad acting, writing, and absolutely no tension being built whatsoever, this movie was pretty awful, but wasn’t too bad for a laugh.
I wish that there was a warning on Netflix (or should I say Qwikster?) that warned me about movies that were made by SyFy. Based on this movie’s description, I figured it’d be bad, but there’s a certain special kind of sad when it comes to movies made by SyFy. The effects are going to be terrible, the actors are going to had some sort of connection to something popular while still being registered as C or D list celebrities, and it will just be bad. I wish that they’d stick to things like “Shark-o-bot vs. Gator-ade vs. Octo-brainzilla” so we at least know it’s supposed to be terrible. STOP TRICKING ME INTO THINKING YOUR SHITTY SYFY MOVIES ARE JUST REGULAR SHITTY MOVIES GODDAMMIT!
Charisma Carpenter’s fashion decisions reminded me of Kris Williams from Ghost Hunters. Kris Williams forehead reminds me of Olivia Wilde’s forehead. Through the transitive property, Charisma Carpenter’s fashion decisions remind me of Olivia Wilde’s forehead.
A new TV show about hunting ghosts, called “Sinister Sites”, is losing viewers, so the crew decide to investigate some sort of house that is supposedly super-super haunted. In addition to the regular team of investigators, this time they are joined by a psychic, played by Charisma Carpenter. You might kind of remember her for her roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, or Veronica Mars. You don’t remember her for anything else for any reason. This investigation starts uncovering the fact that yes, the house IS haunted, and it appears as though the house is alive. Apparently the man who originally built the house was interested in voodoo and thought he would delay his death by having human remains built into the foundation and walls of the house. Sadly, this resulted in the house being alive, and now it’s attempting to kill the investigators. It is determined that the house needs a caretaker to feed it dead people, and one of the crew members goes crazy and kills everyone else, including Charisma Carpenter. We then get to see the future, where this guy lives in the house and invites people to stay, presumably to be killed and sacrificed to the house. Oh yeah, and that guy from “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” was in it.
YOU TWO WILL NEVER BE STEVE GONSALVES AND DAVE TANGO! And this isn’t a race thing.
Uhhhh, okay. If you say so. Though this movie isn’t quite as awful as Scream of the Banshee or Goblin, this movie still wasn’t good. At all. I would say that the only thing it did that could be considered “good” by any stretch of the imagination was parody Ghost Hunters with their fictional ghost hunting team. From the graphics on their shirts to the fake opening credit sequence, it was quite similar to Ghost Hunters, so I guess that was kind of funny? I did find it strange that they were using Ghost Hunters as their example to parody when they are the ones who show Ghost Hunters. Maybe the reason they were mocking them is because of trademarks or copyrights or whatever allowed them to do so, but I still thought it was weird. Also, and maybe I know nothing about movies, I figure that any movie that stars a C or D list actress would try to take advantage of boners and find at least one scene to put them in their underwear or a bathing suit, but instead, Ms. Carpenter was wearing a sweat suit the whole time and puking/crying blood when things got intense. Guess I’ll never be a major Hollywood player like those folks over at SyFy!
One thing that I hate is when I read user reviews of horror movies where people try to defend a movie by saying “It’s so bad that it’s good” or “You just didn’t get it!” Most of these movies are just terrible and bland and have absolutely nothing redeeming about it, and people just try to come across as being so well-versed in horror films that they know how it is ironically bad. Are you fucking kidding me? There are so many shitty fucking awful movies out there that I am not trying to impress people by saying “LOL Boogeyman wuz so bad it was kewl LOL” like some other people say. I can admit that yes, there are some movies that are so laughably bad that there can be entertainment found in mocking it, but that’s not an excuse to try to say EVERY awful movie is “fun to watch”, because it takes a certain something to push a movie from generically bland and tepid to so ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh. Lucky for us all, this movie, which is also known as “The Beacon”, is so terrible that Rampaige and I had to rewind multiple parts to see how ridiculous it was.
I figured I’d give you guys one shot of the stars of the movie before shit talking everything.
A couple moves into an apartment building while dealing with the disappearance of their child. The mother Bryn, played by Teri Polo, feels the most guilty about the loss since she was the one watching their son when he disappeared. The father Paul, played by David Rees Snell, knows how deeply it affected Bryn and tries to help her cope. Shortly after moving in, Bryn has visions and captures photos of the ghost of a child, and upon further investigation, learns that there was a boy who used to live there who died after falling off the building’s elevator. While trying to track down the rest of the family, she finds that they have killed themselves because they couldn’t cope with the loss of their son. With some help from one of Paul’s fellow professors, it is determined that the ghost is on some sort of loop, replaying the incident over and over, and if the cycle is interrupted, the ghost will be at peace. After even FURTHER investigation, it is learned that this hotel was built on a burial ground where suicide victims were sent, and that everyone who lives in the hotel is actually a ghost, including all of the tenants. All of these ghosts have been trying to convince Bryn and Paul to kill themselves so that they will join them, and Paul ends up falling out of a window and dying, and Bryn kills herself as a result. Looks like The Beacon has a few new residents!
THE MYTHICAL CHAIN HEAD!
Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? I didn’t think it sounded too bad either, and considering that Teri Polo was in those Meet the Parents movies and that Michael Ironside was in it, I figured it might have some credibility to it, but this movie was GODDAMNED RIDICULOUS. One character I left out was Bryn’s sister Christina, who you might also know as a character named Christine. Wait, what did I just say? OH THAT’S RIGHT, SHE IS CALLED CHRISTINE, CHRISTINA, AND CHRISSY AT DIFFERENT POINTS OF THE MOVIE. I understand that Chrissy can be a nickname for either Christine or Christina, but since when are those two names interchangeable? I should probably also mention that within 30 seconds of screen time, Christina establishes herself as THE BIGGEST COCKTEASE IN THE HISTORY OF WHORES. While she’s helping her sister move in and notices that two moving guys are kind of sort of smiling at her because she overhears them say she’s hot, she drops what she’s doing to TAKE OUT HER TITS AND SHOW THEM. Then has a playful “Will you guys get back to work now?” comment like it’s some fucking normal thing to whip out your knockers for strangers because they smile at you. A neighbor walks by and sees this and gets a boner on his face, so she goes over to apologize. She says “My sister moves in, but maybe I’ll be dropping by more often…” in the beginning of the conversation, and I shouted at my TV for how easy she was making it for this guy to rape her. He mentions that his last name is Tyler and that his nickname is “Ty…as in, Ty one on!” because he gets belligerent and drunk all the time. She responds with “Oh, I thought it could me Ty me down…” because she is fucking ASKING TO GET FUCKING RAPED BY THIS STRANGER. Sure, she didn’t drop to her knees to start blowing dudes in the first 30 seconds, but she came pretty fucking close.
“Hmmm…these complete strangers seem to be distracted by my boobs. I have a feeling that if I flash these gentlemen, they will get a nice glimpse of my bra, and will have had their curiosity satiated. Sounds foolproof! TIME TO WHIP OUT MY TITS!”
Need more reasons why this movie was laughably terrible? Don’t worry, there’s more. Paul tries to encourage Bryn to start photography again because she apparently gave up when she abandoned her son because she was such a shitty mother. While exploring the city with her digital SLR, or digital Single Lens Reflex camera as you might prefer to call it, and proceeds to take the shittiest pictures of everything she can find. From out of focus branches to flowers to elevators, they’re all terrible. She plugs the camera into her computer, because remember how I said it was digital? She looks at the pictures she took digitally with her digital camera, and thinks she sees a child in one of the photos. Wanting to get a closer look at the pictures the next day, we then see Bryn pulling her photos off of a drying line, which is what photographers hang their pictures on after developing their film in a darkroom. Wait, did I just say she was drying film? Weren’t her pictures taken on a digital camera? Isn’t the difference with a digital camera the fact that there’s no film in it? Was she developing a picture off of her computer like it was a darkroom? Don’t we see an actual fucking printer attached to the computer? WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE PULLING PICTURES OFF OF A DRYING LINE WHEN SHE TOOK THEM WITH A DIGITAL FUCKING CAMERA. THERE’S NO GODDAMNED FILM TO DEVELOP, SO YOU WOULD HAVE HAD TO TAKE THOSE DIGITAL IMAGES, TRANSFER THEM ONTO FILM, DEVELOP THEM IN A DARK ROOM AND THEN HANG THEM TO DRY, INSTEAD OF HITTING THE FUCKING PRINT BUTTON ON YOUR STUPID GODDAMNED COMPUTER.
This is the scary ghost. See those scissors? There’s some sort of explanation about it, but it’s really dumb, so let’s forget those scissors are even there.
See, it’s these small things that made no sense that really made you do a double take of the stupidity of this movie. When she was taking pictures, Bryn snapped a picture of another tenant who is supposedly a retired actress who did a bunch of softcore porn. Why is that important? Well, don’t worry, there’s a subplot of Paul cheating on Bryn with this woman who uses her softcore porn seduction powers to fuck him in some weird fucking photography warehouse. When this woman gets angry with Bryn for taking photos, the tenant that wants to rape Christine, or Christina, I already forgot, tries to fight back and defend Bryn. Ty tries to comment that this bitch is old, and she says “I’m not old, I’m 32,” to which Ty responds with “Yeah, maybe in DOG years!” which makes him look at Bryn and smirk and mentally says “THAT WAS A SICK BURN.” Let’s take a step back…first of all, the concept of there being ”dog years” isn’t real, because all it means is that humans live seven times longer than a dog, which causes people to think there’s an actual concept of 1 human year being the equivalent of 7 dog years. Even though it’s bullshit, let’s keep this formula in mind with Ty’s retort, because with this logic, being 32 in “dog years” would mean 4.5 human years. Is this making sense to any of you guys? THIS DIPSHIT JUST INSULTED HER BACKWARDS. SHE SAID SHE WAS 32, AND HE TRIED TO THROW IT BACK IN HER FACE BY ARBITRARILY MENTIONING SOMETHING ABOUT DOG YEARS AND UNKNOWINGLY TRIED TO INSULT HER BY SAYING SHE WAS ACTUALLY ONLY 5 YEARS OLD, BECAUSE APPARENTLY NOT ONE SINGLE FUCKING PERSON THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO CHECK THE SCRIPT FOR INDISCREPANCIES OF REALITY. Bryn’s response to this whole scene is to chuckle and then call the lady Spider Legs. I thought there would be some explanation of why that’s an insult, but rather than attempting to use logic to figure out the implications of “Spider Legs”, I’m just going to assume it was a varicose veins joke and leave it alone.
Watch out! That scary ghost might lean forward and spook you!
Hopefully you guys are starting to get the idea of just how terrible this movie is, and the fact that it is somewhat entertaining that someone devoted time to writing this, someone gave that person money, and actors read for the role and took the time to memorize lines, and I’m sure some thought it would garner them some celebrity. Not to mention the fact that NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS SCARY. The ghost of the little boy’s father kept popping up, and when I say popping up, I mean leaning forward or standing up. That’s right, he would just kind of peek out from behind a corner or from the passenger seat as a means of “scaring” the audience. Also, when Bryn is first exploring the city with her camera, we see her being stalked by some guy who looks like a member of Slipknot with a bag on his head with chains around it. This character pops up a few times, with no explanation, until the very end, which doesn’t justify how comically obvious it was to have a guy wearing a shitty mask with fake chains around. I got excited thinking it might have been a prequel to Chain Letter, but sadly, it wasn’t. Did I mention how terrible to outfits of the police in this movie were? Well, they were awful. Everyone had what appeared to be the TOP FOUR buttons unbuttoned, looking like a bunch of idiots. Fuck. If you want to know how to NOT make a good movie, or I guess if you want to know how to make a really shitty movie, feel free to watch this on Netflix Instant. Maybe if you want to laugh for a good hour, because the last 30 minutes are practically unbearable. How people can like this shit or try to justify it is beyond me, and I hope you all die. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Christina/Christine/Chrissy character gets run over by a street sweeper for wearing a hat like Blossom so they chop her legs off at the hospital. Her boobs are safe though! SAFE I TELL YOU!
Do you guys have any idea how long my Netflix queue is? I’m not trying to brag or anything, but pretty much any movie have ever heard of, whether it’s supposed to be bad or supposed to be good, ends up on my queue. I’ve hit maximum multiple times and have to go back and erase some titles. That’s why things like The Spirit and Dylan Dog: Dead of Night end up arriving in my mailbox. When The Spirit was released theatrically, I had no interest. I heard nothing but awful things about it. However, being a comic book movie, it somehow made its way into the queue. I saw trailers in theaters for Dylan Dog, because it was supposed to get a theatrical release, but instead went straight-to-video. Still added it to the queue, thinking there would be a plethora of people interested in it. Sadly, both movies were hard to get through, and even though I don’t often do this, I had to shut them both off before they were over to get them the fuck out of my house.
If Samuel L. Jackson being referred to as “Octopus” or Scarlett Johansson having big boobs doesn’t save your movie, nothing will.
What I knew about The Spirit as a comic book was that one of my professor’s never shut up about it or about the author, Will Eisner, for any reason. I know that Will Eisner is really important to comic books, I’m not denying that, and I also know that Frank Miller had a huge boner for him. I also know that Frank Miller writes comic books, draws comic books, and does not direct movies. I have a feeling that what happened after the success of Sin City and 300 was that movie executives approached Frank Miller and said “Hey, I know you have no experience directing, but wanna direct something, anything, as long as it’s related to comics?”, and Miller’s eyes were replaced with dollar signs and agreed. I’m not knocking him or anything, because if someone offered me a shit ton of money to direct anything I wanted, and I could make a movie based on one of my favorite comics so that someone else wouldn’t have the opportunity to direct it, I’d do the same. Unfortunately, I think that if you take a comic book that was written in the 40′s with a certain tone, and have someone who has never directed anything attempt to do that over 60 years later, some things might not work. The characters and narrative were exaggerated and somewhat tongue-in-cheek, which I feel alienates you audiences who don’t quite “get it”. The film itself is exactly what it would look like if Zack Snyder took the Sin City movie out on a date, slipped roofies into its drink, then raped the living shit out of it. Every shot is either super-saturated blacks and whites, or are filmed in color, but with the saturation brought down. Don’t get me wrong, I love Frank Miller’s comic book work, but I think he should stick with that instead of attempting more movies.
I didn’t get this far in the movie so I have no fucking clue what’s going on here. Actually, even if I did get this far, I still wouldn’t have any idea what was going on.
Even though he was only in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World for a few scenes, the ones with Brandon Routh were some of the more entertaining moments of the film. Remember that whole part about the cleaning lady, dusting things, and the Vegan Police? HI-LARIOUS. Coming off of that, I was looking forward to seeing him as Dylan Dog, despite also never having read the comics. I did see Dellamorte Dellamore (a.k.a Cemetary Man) but know that it’s not a direct interpretation of the comics, so that doesn’t quite count. Even though this movie was about vampires, werewolves, and zombies, I could barely keep track of what the fuck was going on. I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for comic book movies too end up being too serialized, filled with short little adventures that are all connected to a major storyline, but I couldn’t keep track of that one thread that kept the plot moving forward. I feel the same way about Hellboy II: The Golden Army, in the sense that I can’t tell you exactly what the fuck happened in that movie, but at least when I left that movie, I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, if you get an hour and fifteen minutes into a two-hour movie and still have no clue what the fuck is going on or why, you have to make an executive decision to put that movie into that little red envelope that will take it straight back to Netflix Hell.
No, this scene isn’t taken directly from The Spirit, but I was getting sick and goddamned tired of Googling “The Spirit Eva Mendes” and seeing page after page of pictures of this girl’s butt. INFURIATING.
I hope you guys don’t judge me for bailing on these movies without finishing them, especially after seeing how much garbage I am willing to sift through. I think I need to keep a new policy in mind when adding things to the queue, which should start to exclude the need to add EVERY comic book related movie out there. I’ve also seen a couple of those direct-to-video animated comic book movies, and although I might be entertained, ultimately decide against reviewing them. In hopes of you preventing this shit from happening in the future, I’m going to go ahead right now and delete a bunch of shit from my queue that I know I will hate. Come back soon for actual reviews of whole movies!
This movie has been taunting my from our DVD collection for years now. I don’t own it, but Rampaige does. You know how when you’re at Blockbuster and are trying to take advantage of their 4 movies for $20 deal? And you find two movies you want but need to grab some other shit that might not be terrible? Well, she fell victim to that bargain and now we have Boogeyman in our collection. I’ve wanted to get rid of it, but not without watching it first. Rampaige knew how shitty it was and wouldn’t allow me to watch it in front of her, so I drugged her. Wait, I probably shouldn’t have admitted to that. Oh well, at least you guys have a new review to read, thanks to slipping her a Mickey!
Neither my favorite 7th Heaven cast member nor my favorite Deschanel. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.
The opening scene shows a little boy in bed who is trying to go to sleep, but he keeps thinking he sees a figure, most likely the “Boogeyman”, until his father comes in and tells the kid to stop being a shithead. The Boogeyman then beats the shit out of the dad and sucks him into the closet or something. When the kid grows up, he turns into that dude from 7th Heaven. I thought his name was Barry Bostwick, but it’s not, it’s actually Barry Watson. As an adult, he’s still terrified of closets and what’s under his bed, and when his mother dies, he needs to go back home and hopes to confront his fears. He sees his old lady friend that looks like Zooey Deschanel had her faced bashed in with a shovel, and is played by Emily Deschanel. After trying to figure out whether he hallucinated what happened to his dad or if it really happened, Barry’s character finds a young girl who was also tormented by the Boogeyman. Apparently the Boogeyman can travel from any closet or under any mattress to any other closet or under any mattress, the same exact fucking way things worked in the movie Little Monsters. Eventually the Boogeyman is tracked down in Barry’s old bedroom, and after some sort of “fight” or something, the Boogeyman gets kicked back to where he came from, and I think the movie left it at that. STUPID.
I was surprised to learn that Ben Templesmith had a hand in the concept art for this movie. Even more surprising was learning how none of his terrifying aesthetics were successfully incorporated into the film.
What a piece of shit. I have to admit, I was kind of excited to watch this movie, especially after seeing that it was produced by Sam Raimi. Then I remembered that Sam Raimi also produced Dance of the Dead, and that movie sucked too. Have you guys seen that movie “Darkness Falls” that came out in 2003? It was shitty, but it took the idea of the Tooth Fairy, gave her a real backstory, and made her a witchy cunt. I thought maybe we’d get the same with this movie, but they gave no fucking reason as to who or what the Boogeyman was or why it existed. There were moments where I thought they had something interesting, where maybe this little kid came up with the idea of a Boogeyman to try to make sense of something psychologically disturbing. Maybe there was a serial killer in this kids closet who killed the father, but being a little kid, pretended it was a “Boogeyman”. But nope, nothing, no backstory as to what the main “villain” was, and now I get to throw this thing out the fucking window.
Between all of the shitty movies I watch, there are occasionally these unique films that stand out amongst everything. There are movies that cause an emotional, sometimes even physical reaction. I went into this movie expecting it to be another mindless contemporary slasher movie and was completely shocked at what this film really was. I was so blown away with how this movie wasn’t just bad, it was mind-numbingly bad. This movie was so fucking awful, between the actors, the writing, the effects, the dialogue, the sound, the plot, really just everything possible was so fucking bad, it almost came back around to being good again. How is that possible? I’m really going to try to keep some sort of order to what the fuck took place in this movie, but if I go off on a tangent because I have lost my mind just trying to wrap my head around this movie, I apologize ahead of time.
Brad Dourif plays a creepy guy in this movie? Weird.
From the opening montage you really get a grasp of how this piece of shit is going to try to warn us about the dangers of technology, even mentioning how scary Y2K was. Seriously? They’re using Y2K to try to scare us over a decade after everyone realized it was bullshit? Ugh. Next, we see a happy couple getting into their cars to go to work int he morning, only to then see chains attached from their bumpers to a woman who is bound and gagged in their garage. As they drive forward, they pull this woman into traffic, and right when the woman gets ripped in two, the title shows up. The cast of characters we are going to be following are a group of high schoolers that are all friends or something I guess. After meeting them all, we see the “nerdy” one getting a chain letter in his email later that night. His sister sees this, and as if this is the first time anyone has ever received a chain letter in their email, she loses her mind with terror and forwards it to her five friends. We see the people who have gotten these letters, and every single one of them gets to have a “Whoa, a chain letter? I am NOT messing with THIS!” moment, or a “Chain letter? This is so lame!” moment. Let’s just say that those teens who deleted the email shouldn’t have done that! The first guy is apprehended at the gym and has chains tied to his arms to lift him up off of the floor. Rampaige got grossed out at that part. Once lifted, the bad guy cut his achilles tendons, which probably hurt. The bad guy, whose arms we could glimpse just long enough to see a bunch of tattoos of chains on them, uses a big thick chain to rub on the guys face until his head falls apart. When detectives arrive, they look at the manager of the gym and are all like “Hey man, were these chains here before? Randomly dangling from the ceiling?”, and the manager is all “No way man, that’s totally not how I run this place.” The detectives take note of this, as if chains will be a recurring plot point.
You’re telling me that you’ve never been to a gym that has chains hanging from the ceiling in the middle of it? Where are you from, Idiot Town?
This is what shit starts getting real. And by getting real, I mean getting shittier and shittier. There’s a scene where a guy is crushed by an engine…..WHICH WAS BEING HELD UP BY CHAINS! THE CHAIN KILLER STRIKES AGAIN! The chain killer man then goes to kill the next lady on the list who deleted the letter, and of course, interrupts her in the bath. He then smashes through a window and THEN a wall to kill her, which he doesn’t. What’s our detective, Keith David, doing while this is happening? TRACING THE ORIGINS OF THE CHAIN HE FOUND. OF COURSE THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING. While tracing these chains, he finds some old guy wearing glasses who acts like these chains are fucking magical, and when Keith David is all like “Hey man, where’s your wife?”, and that old guy flips out and yells “SHE’S DEAD!” like a fucking asshole, so Keith David runs for his life. Does this make too much sense so far? Well, good, you’re in luck, because things start making even less sense.
The origins of street luging. Sadly, I don’t think that duct tape helmet will protect much.
Around this time, the detectives track the origins of the chain letter to some sort of “terrorist group” focused on destroying technology. They use a lot more Y2K references and mention the Unabomber like anyone gives a shit. At the same time, the main girl also manages to find that the chain letter has origins in the occult. She finds this information……by Googling it. WHY DID IT TAKE THIS ASSBITCH FIVE MINUTES ON GOOGLE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT TOOK OUR DETECTIVES GODDAMNED FUCKING WEEKS TO LEARN. When Keith David investigates the origins of the chains in a factory, he finds a kid tied up in chains. When he goes to unchain the chained teen, a chain reaction occurs that chains a chain to a chain chain chain chain FUCK SORRY. Don’t know what happened there. The kid catches on fire and the detective is assaulted by chain man, and while he is being attacked, he receives a voicemail from another cop. Apparently all the members of the anti-technology cult have bar code tattoos, and we get a flashback showing a guy that Keith David spoke to was involved in this cult, as was the teacher that the students had in school. Then we learn that the bitch who was tied up in the beginning was the lead girl, because she eventually got caught for not sending in the chain letter quickly enough. AND THEN IT JUST FUCKING ENDS WITH NO EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE FUCK HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR THE PAST 90 BULLSHIT ASSHOLE MINUTES.
I posted this on Twitter, but in case you don’t follow me (you idiot), here’s a picture I took of my TV. Notice anything weird about the computer monitor? Here, I’ll zoom in…
THEY COULDN’T EVEN PRETEND LIKE THE DETECTIVE WAS DOING ANYTHING IMPORTANT AT ALL, OTHER THAN BEING TOLD “HEY MAN, TYPE SOME SHIT”, AND HAVE KEITH DAVID RUB HIS DICK ON THE KEYBOARD AND SIT BACK DOWN. COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST SHUT THE FUCKING MONITOR OFF? FUCK.
Are you as confused as I am? I mean, Jesus fucking Cthulhu, what were these people thinking? Who was the guy with the chain tattoos? Why was he killing these kids? How did he have access to the internet? Was he involved with the curse? What was the curse? Was the anti-technology cult involved in the chain letters? How were they involved? How does killing teenagers prevent technology? WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY GODDAMNED QUESTIONS ABOUT SUCH A PILE OF SHIT? It’s like the writers of this movie looked at a big chain on the street and said “WHOA BRO, THAT THING IS SCARY. WHAT IF A KILLER FREAK USED THAT AS A MURDER WEAPON? HOLY SHIT, WHAT IF HE HAD CHAIN TATTOOS TO MAKE HIM LOOK EXTRA BRUTAL? BUT WAIT, WHY WOULD A CHAIN TATTOO GUY KILL PEOPLE WITH A CHAIN? HOLY SHIT, CHAIN LETTERS ARE SO FREAKY. WHAT IF THERE WAS A CHAIN GUY TATTOO KILLER CHAIN GUY WHO KILLED CHAIN LETTER BREAKERS WITH A CHAIN? HMMM….I NEED MORE THAN THAT, SO, UH…(Googles reasons people are scared of the internet)…HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT THIS Y2K SHIT! EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR MINDS! I’VE FINALLY COMPLETED MY MASTERPIECE, SO IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS WITH A 2 LITER OF MOUNTAIN DEW.” Sorry guys, might have just lost it there, so I’ll just leave it at that.
You might also know this movie by the title “Camp Hope”. No? You don’t? No one else does either. I can’t really remember what caused me to watch this movie, I think other than the fact that my Xbox wouldn’t fucking shut up about how I could pay to see it. I guess I figured I would pander to the Xbox crowd and give them something they wanted, which was a review of this shit. I also remember them constantly promoting that Jesse ” We can’t afford Michael Cera” Eisenberg being in it by having him on the DVD cover art. If you hate Jesse Eisenberg, don’t worry, because he’s in it for all of five fucking minutes. I could really care less whether or not he was in it, but are we seriously still trying to trick people by saying a “big name” star is in it a lot by having them on the cover? Fuck you, marketing people who promoted this movie.
There’s an extended sequence involving these two dry humping, which is supposedly them having sex. Actually, this might be the guy’s sister? I don’t give a shit.
This movie takes place at Jesus Camp. I know what you’re thinking, and no, they didn’t have to go further than just showing the documentary “Jesus Camp”, but instead, this movie has this whole plot thing going on. Or at least, it attempts to. It’s not too often that I just give up on a movie for not being good, and when I fell asleep halfway through it, I almost never finished it. Having sucked an hour of my life, I figured I watch where it went. The first hour shows these kids at a strict Jesus camp, having people talk about how bad it is to jerk off and fuck and shit, and then some real evil shit starts happening. Apparently there are demons in the woods that are after the campers? I guess the movie was one of those “Holy shit these religious people are crazy…but what if they were right?” kinds of things, because at the end, the main priest is in a hospital and the main teenager throws a Bible out the window of his moving car.
Mostly just posting this image to be the only review on the internet of this film to not use an image of Jesse Eisenberg.
WHAT THE FUCK. I even read other people’s reviews of this film and nobody really seemed to have any fucking clue what was going on. Something about demons and jerking off though, that’s for damn sure. Was anything bad actually happening? Was any of it real? One the one hand, I wish I remembered more about this movie so I could talk about it more accurately, but on the other hand, it was a piece of shit and I am glad to have forgotten most of it. Maybe Rampaige was right to have refused to finish watching it, because boy oh boy, did this thing suck. I can’t really hold it against Jesse Eisenberg though, because he barely fucking did anything in it. Good thing his face is so big on some of the posters. Don’t watch this movie, you’ll regret it. Because it sucks. It’s terrible. NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AT ALL. I’ll just stop typing right now.
FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! Oh, that’s right, I know why, it’s becauseI hate myself and deserve to be put through this. Well, okay, not really, but that was the obvious guess. When I saw this movie was coming out, I combined my hatred of Diablo Cody with my hatred of Megan Fox and knew that I never would ever have to even consider seeing this movie. Well, all that shit changed when I heard that Diablo Cody was possibly “rewriting” the script for Evil Dead 4. Who the fuck chose this bitch? I then read a report online for a questionable source saying that Jennifer’s Body was a good “creature feature”, and that was the single, solitary positive comment I have ever heard about this movie. Wondering whether or not this person was crazy, or maybe if other people were crazy for not appreciating this horror movie, I really bit the metaphorical bullet by committing my time to watching this painfully quirky, empty, and pointless pile of dogshit.
Finally, a movie where Megan Fox doesn’t wear makeup. Wait, you’re saying she’s still wearing a shit ton of makeup? I’M SO CONFUSED.
The movie starts with the blonde one in a mental institution. Upon further investigation, the blonde one is an actress called “Amanda Seyfried” who apparently fucks not just Laim Neeson, but also Julianne Moore. The first line of this movie is something stupid like “Hell is a teenage girl.” HAHAHA WHO FUCKING WROTE THIS, SOME BUSTED ASS FORMER STRIPPER?! Oh, wait. Strike that part from the record. We are then led to believe that the blonde one is “BFF” with Megan Fox’s character, whose name is Jennifer. I mean, I know this is a movie and everything, and that Megan Fox IS a worthless, cunty pile of shit, but pretended she was friends with the blonde one was still a bit of a stretch. They go to a “rock” concert featuring an “ironic yet not ironic, but then back to being ironic” band that sounds like The Killers got cummed on by Maroon 5. FUCK I’M GETTING SO MAD TYPING THESE THINGS. This band ends up kidnapping Jennifer and sacrifice her to some sort of demon because she is a virgin. Clearly she hasn’t actually been a virgin since being a toddler, so the sacrifice gets fucked up, resulting in a demon possession.
See! Proof that she’s a dork! I mean, who wears glasses, other than nerds?
Before, Megan Fox was just a vortex that would suck in shitty things, make them more shitty, than regurgitate them into a shitty pile of puke, bile, and blood. And now, as Jennifer, she sucks in horny boys that want to grind their boners up against the hollow shell of a “woman who may or may not have nice tits. Once they’ve reached the point of no return, she kills them. Jennifer is forced to continually do this because if she goes too long without eating someone, she starts to get disgusting and ugly. Correction, MORE disgusting and ugly than she is at full power. Blonde dorky girl notices this and is not happy and certainly doesn’t approve, especially when blonde nerd sees Jennifer kill blonde nerd’s boyfriend. After the research she had done in the school library, blonde nerd knows the only way to kill Jennifer is to stab her in the heart. She breaks into her house, stabs her in the heart, and kills her, but not before Jennifer can bite her. Blonde nerd is institutionalized, but we learn that she now has some of the demon powers and is able to escape the institution and the closing credits show us the subsequent murder of the band that set all of this stuff in motion. Thank fucking Cthulhu it’s over.
You’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to hold that lighter up to your rotten cunt so you can never reproduce you piece of shit.
I really did try to like this movie. Well, maybe I just tried to keep an open mind about it, but it was just so shitty. There were moments in Juno that I liked, but the reason I ended up hating it was because nobody is fucking stupid enough to talk or act the way the characters in that movie spoke or acted. The characters in that movie sounded the way someone walking out of Hot Topic looks. Just a clusterfuck of pop culture references, bright colors, and sarcastic “witticisms” that make you think that person is a pretentious asshole. Well, same goes for this movie, but now apply it to the horror genre. maybe had I not known that Diablo Cody was involved I could have tolerated it, but knowing that she most likely would Google “pop culture references + 80′s + horror/cartoons”, copied and pasted the first result, and then laughed maniacally to herself while shoving an Oscar up her pussy. I know you are about to correct me and say that she wrote this movie before she won an Oscar, but I didn’t say it was her Oscar, because it was probably one she bought on eBay for “Best Makeup” from 1985 for the Eric Stoltz movie “Mask”…ya know, to be ironic! For example, one scene shows Megan Fox wearing some sort of bedazzled shirt that had the poster for The Evil Dead on it, which I was okay with as a horror reference, only to look over her shoulder and see THE EXACT SAME FUCKING POSTER HANGING ON THE GODDAMN FUCKING WALL. Just in case the shirt wasn’t enough of a justification of a legitimate horror movie, you got to see the fucking poster also. I guess that could be the director’s fault and not the screenwriters, but it’s those attempts at being hip and cool that epitomize both this film and Juno. However, to try to keep things positive, I will say that I’m glad I saw Chris Pratt in this movie because that guy’s awesome. Also, I totally 100% believed that Megan Fox could distract people long enough with a pair of tits and a blank-faced, dead-eyed stare to make someone think she was worth spending any amount of time thinking about. Jennifer’s Body: By Cunts, About Cunts, For Cunts.
This movie was another one of those upcoming releases that I found out about through Upcoming Horror Movies that I figured was worth a shot. Why did I feel the need to link to that website? So maybe YOU, the reader, can browse the site and find something I missed. It’s hard to find new horror movies that are worth my time, and I seem to get more traffic out of new movies than with old movies, so I’m always trying to stay on the cutting edge of what’s hip. I know I know, it sounds silly to read that I need to make an active effort to be hip, since it generally comes so naturally. Well, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but I feel as though it all pays off. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this shitty, shitty movie.
You’re right, it is easier to cover your goblin with a cloak than spend money on the computer effects to animate it.
The film starts with people burning shit in a bonfire in the 1800′s, and it’s all shit that’s fucked up. Rotten apples, broken vacuum cleaners, and retarded babies. Sadly, the owner of one of these babies gets pissed when her mongoloid child is burned alive so she curses the whole town. Once we are in “present day”, we see a family moving into this town. Things seem to be weird around the town, and the daughter of the family is the one who helps learn of the local legend. Apparently every Halloween there is a goblin that comes to town and goes after newborn babies and anyone that baby might be hanging out with. Bad news for the family…THEY HAVE A NEWBORN WITH THEM! NOOOOO! The goblin kills a few people here and there, and then the town drunk steps forward with some important information. There is a stick that exists that has all of the power of the witchy woman who cursed the town absorbed into it, and they can use that stick to kill the goblin! So the family does that, and the movie’s over. No, I’m not going to waste any more time writing about plot intricacies.
Finding images for a movie called “Goblin” that was a SyFy original is a lot harder than you’d think, so this is all you get.
Where do I fucking start with what’s wrong with this movie. I mean, the movie description involved a curse and Halloween and a goblin, and what’s not to like about that? The opening scene was okay, nothing too bad that’s worth nitpicking, but the acting, writing, and directing were all pretty bad. Remember when I mentioned how in Laid to Rest that everything was really dark and was kind of annoying? This movie was the opposite. Other than the opening scene, everything took place during the day. Not trying to say that things can’t be scary during the day, but when you have a cloaked figure that is supposedly a goblin just going for a fucking hike in the woods, it looks like a there is just a LARPer who wandered off the battlefield. Oh, and if you don’t know what LARPing is, you might not like any other references on my site. There were a few shots where the cloaked figure looked kind of creepy, but the poor computer effects resulted in a shitty reveal, and towards the end when we see the goblin just jumping around everywhere, it looked like something out of Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Yes, I do own Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed on DVD, and considering I paid money for that, hopefully it gives you an idea of how shitty this film is. It had good intentions, but unfortunately it really suffered due to low production value. Oh, and that goblin in the poster isn’t even close to what the goblin in the movie looks like.
Wolfman Moon Scale
I couldn’t find the trailer, but the closest thing to a trailer I found was someone edited the entire movie down into about ten minutes. I’d say that even this version is about ten minutes too long.
I was trying to learn a little bit more about movies that were coming to DVD that I could review, because I forget things easily because I’m an idiot. In this search for upcoming horror movies, I found a website that is cleverly titled Upcoming Horror Movies. What’s good about it is that it tells you about upcoming horror movies. What a novel idea! While browsing this website, I noticed that every week they mention what is hitting DVD and/or Blu Ray, and I can add things to my queue from there. Seeing that there was a movie about a banshee piqued my interest, because the idea of wailing spirits is pretty creepy to me. One thing about this website, known as UHM for short, is that there aren’t always reviews listed with the movies coming out, so I had no idea how good this would be. I guess this could also be looked at as a good thing because I had no preconceived notion of how it would be. Or, it could have spared me from watching this steaming pile of shit.
Poor Lauren Holly…your butt looked so cool in Dumb & Dumber! Hahaha okay, this isn’t Lauren Holly, but it did give me an excuse to use the word “butt”.
The film starts with a group of medieval knights battling a robed figure, ultimately trapping the head of the figure in the box. Spoiler alert, it’s a banshee. Cut to present day, we see an actress who looks like she was hired because she looked like Lauren Holly had been melted a little bit and had fake boobs slapped onto her. Turns out, it actually was Lauren Holly, and I hate to break the news to you, but she melted and looks like she had fake boobs slapped onto her. Her character is an archaeology professor who, along with some of her students, find a box hidden at the university which contains the disfigured head of some sort of banshee-like creature. Can you see where this is going? The banshee head screams and we get to see hilarious reaction shots of what these actors would do if they heard loud sounds. This is where things get a little complicated, if by complicated I mean shitty. Oh who am I kidding, this thing was shitty from the start. Apparently the banshee scream cursed all of the characters who heard it and they all suffer from banshee-influenced hallucinations, some of them are even attacked and killed. It is determined that screaming when you see the banshee is what gives her power, so if you are quiet when you see her, you’re cool. The box was hidden years ago by Lance Henriksen, who plays Lance Henriksen, and all the characters go to him for help at his mansion that is strewn with female mannequins, which I assumed was filmed at his actual house. The banshee confronts everyone there, kills Lance, but eventually her head gets put back in the box, saving everyone from the creature.
I have a feeling that Mr. Henriksen also provided his own shotgun and robe.
Remember when I reviewed that movie Chupacabra Terror? Well, this movie is equally as shitty. These movies are terrible and the creature is completely arbitrary, but by throwing in a word like “banshee” or “chupacabra”, it’s almost like you expect someone to build upon the strange and creepy phenomenon. Wrong! I’ve also learned that Lauren Holly really has nothing better to do these days, and that Lance Henriksen really will be in ANY movie, as long as the check clears. Does anyone know Lance Henriksen’s going rate these days? He is part of a group of actors that I really believe have a daily rate for “work”, and as long as you pay them that rate, they’ll do anything. Shitty horror movie, terrible sci-fi, roof your house, mow your lawn, virtually anything. I’m going to continue to check UHM for what is going to be coming out, but I think I’ll do a little more research as far as the quality of these films go.
