Goblin (2010) [REVIEW]

August 10, 2011 4 Comments

 

 

This movie was another one of those upcoming releases that I found out about through Upcoming Horror Movies that I figured was worth a shot. Why did I feel the need to link to that website? So maybe YOU, the reader, can browse the site and find something I missed. It’s hard to find new horror movies that are worth my time, and I seem to get more traffic out of new movies than with old movies, so I’m always trying to stay on the cutting edge of what’s hip. I know I know, it sounds silly to read that I need to make an active effort to be hip, since it generally comes so naturally. Well, it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, but I feel as though it all pays off. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, this shitty, shitty movie.

 

You’re right, it is easier to cover your goblin with a cloak than spend money on the computer effects to animate it.

 

The film starts with people burning shit in a bonfire in the 1800′s, and it’s all shit that’s fucked up. Rotten apples, broken vacuum cleaners, and retarded babies. Sadly, the owner of one of these babies gets pissed when her mongoloid child is burned alive so she curses the whole town. Once we are in “present day”, we see a family moving into this town. Things seem to be weird around the town, and the daughter of the family is the one who helps learn of the local legend. Apparently every Halloween there is a goblin that comes to town and goes after newborn babies and anyone that baby might be hanging out with. Bad news for the family…THEY HAVE A NEWBORN WITH THEM! NOOOOO! The goblin kills a few people here and there, and then the town drunk steps forward with some important information. There is a stick that exists that has all of the power of the witchy woman who cursed the town absorbed into it, and they can use that stick to kill the goblin! So the family does that, and the movie’s over. No, I’m not going to waste any more time writing about plot intricacies.

 

Finding images for a movie called “Goblin” that was a SyFy original is a lot harder than you’d think, so this is all you get.

 

Where do I fucking start with what’s wrong with this movie. I mean, the movie description involved a curse and Halloween and a goblin, and what’s not to like about that? The opening scene was okay, nothing too bad that’s worth nitpicking, but the acting, writing, and directing were all pretty bad. Remember when I mentioned how in Laid to Rest that everything was really dark and was kind of annoying? This movie was the opposite. Other than the opening scene, everything took place during the day. Not trying to say that things can’t be scary during the day, but when you have a cloaked figure that is supposedly a goblin just going for a fucking hike in the woods, it looks like a there is just a LARPer who wandered off the battlefield. Oh, and if you don’t know what LARPing is, you might not like any other references on my site. There were a few shots where the cloaked figure looked kind of creepy, but the poor computer effects resulted in a shitty reveal, and towards the end when we see the goblin just jumping around everywhere, it looked like something out of Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Yes, I do own Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed on DVD, and considering I paid money for that, hopefully it gives you an idea of how shitty this film is. It had good intentions, but unfortunately it really suffered due to low production value. Oh, and that goblin in the poster isn’t even close to what the goblin in the movie looks like.

 

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I couldn’t find the trailer, but the closest thing to a trailer I found was someone edited the entire movie down into about ten minutes. I’d say that even this version is about ten minutes too long.

 

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Scream of the Banshee (2011) [REVIEW]

July 31, 2011 Leave a comment

 

I was trying to learn a little bit more about movies that were coming to DVD that I could review, because I forget things easily because I’m an idiot. In this search for upcoming horror movies, I found a website that is cleverly titled Upcoming Horror Movies. What’s good about it is that it tells you about upcoming horror movies. What a novel idea! While browsing this website, I noticed that every week they mention what is hitting DVD and/or Blu Ray, and I can add things to my queue from there. Seeing that there was a movie about a banshee piqued my interest, because the idea of wailing spirits is pretty creepy to me. One thing about this website, known as UHM for short, is that there aren’t always reviews listed with the movies coming out, so I had no idea how good this would be. I guess this could also be looked at as a good thing because I had no preconceived notion of how it would be. Or, it could have spared me from watching this steaming pile of shit.

 

Poor Lauren Holly…your butt looked so cool in Dumb & Dumber! Hahaha okay, this isn’t Lauren Holly, but it did give me an excuse to use the word “butt”.

 

The film starts with a group of medieval knights battling a robed figure, ultimately trapping the head of the figure in the box. Spoiler alert, it’s a banshee. Cut to present day, we see an actress who looks like she was hired because she looked like Lauren Holly had been melted a little bit and had fake boobs slapped onto her. Turns out, it actually was Lauren Holly, and I hate to break the news to you, but she melted and looks like she had fake boobs slapped onto her. Her character is an archaeology professor who, along with some of her students, find a box hidden at the university which contains the disfigured head of some sort of banshee-like creature. Can you see where this is going? The banshee head screams and we get to see hilarious reaction shots of what these actors would do if they heard loud sounds. This is where things get a little complicated, if by complicated I mean shitty. Oh who am I kidding, this thing was shitty from the start. Apparently the banshee scream cursed all of the characters who heard it and they all suffer from banshee-influenced hallucinations, some of them are even attacked and killed. It is determined that screaming when you see the banshee is what gives her power, so if you are quiet when you see her, you’re cool. The box was hidden years ago by Lance Henriksen, who plays Lance Henriksen, and all the characters go to him for help at his mansion that is strewn with female mannequins, which I assumed was filmed at his actual house. The banshee confronts everyone there, kills Lance, but eventually her head gets put back in the box, saving everyone from the creature.

 

I have a feeling that Mr. Henriksen also provided his own shotgun and robe.

 

Remember when I reviewed that movie Chupacabra Terror? Well, this movie is equally as shitty. These movies are terrible and the creature is completely arbitrary, but by throwing in a word like “banshee” or “chupacabra”, it’s almost like you expect someone to build upon the strange and creepy phenomenon. Wrong! I’ve also learned that Lauren Holly really has nothing better to do these days, and that Lance Henriksen really will be in ANY movie, as long as the check clears. Does anyone know Lance Henriksen’s going rate these days? He is part of a group of actors that I really believe have a daily rate for “work”, and as long as you pay them that rate, they’ll do anything. Shitty horror movie, terrible sci-fi, roof your house, mow your lawn, virtually anything. I’m going to continue to check UHM for what is going to be coming out, but I think I’ll do a little more research as far as the quality of these films go.

 

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Pelt (2010) [REVIEW]

July 22, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Alright, so, you see that poster up there? Well, it’s funny, because that poster is almost exactly the same as what the cover of the DVD is. The cover of the DVD is what caused Rampaige and I to stop on it momentarily to see what it was about. The biggest difference between the poster and the DVD cover? Well, if you Google the cover, you’ll see that exact poster, but at the top, you’ll see the faces of the three ladies in this movie. I’m serious! They realized how shitty this movie was and figured the only way to entice people to see it was with the promise of at least one, if not all, of the ladies on the front losing their clothes. I mean, hell, I’m pretty sure that’s why Rampaige wanted to watch it. Okay, well, that might not be entirely true. However, when I stopped long enough to see the description, we saw that it took place in some town that had the word “cave” in the name. Not only that, but it also supposedly took place in Kentucky! Whoa! Caves + Kentucky + three ladies who look like they have loose morals = SOLD!

 

I pulled pictures directly from the films website because look at how stupid that border is! HAHAHA.

 

There’s seven college-aged people discussing how they are going to go on a hike, and they all go on this hike! Remember that movie Wrong Turn? Well, imagine that premise, except with these seven people instead of those other ones you saw in that other movie. Nothing redeeming or entertaining happens to any of the characters, so I’ll just try to remember how they all die. Let’s see, there’s four guys, and the first guy gets killed after having sex with his girlfriend because his face gets smashed with some sort of pickaxe or sledgehammer or something. The girls he just had sex with, yes I said girls, because he finished having sex with his girlfriend and then another one jumped out of the woodwork, well the two of them get kidnapped by the “redneck” character. One of the ladies gets killed after being captured, and one of the guys gets killed trying to rescue the alive lady. That alive lady escapes, but only long enough to fall off of a cliff and get run over by a truck. That means there are three left, I think. One guy gets hit in the head with a stick that was thrown at him, causing his neck to break. He gets dragged back to the redneck’s hideout or something, and the other two characters try to rescue him. Broken neck guy gets killed, and the only living lady smashes and kills the redneck with a pickaxe, but gets stabbed by the bad guy in the process. We’re down to just one guy left who tries to leave in a car, but noticing a problem, pops the hood. A machete pops out at him from under the hood, and when we see the wound in his stomach, the film abruptly and harshly starts the credits.

 

“Actually, we got hired to NOT show our boobs, thank you very much!”

 

There are some things you kind of come to expect when it comes to horror movies, and you end up just taking them for granted. Two things you can generally count on is some amount of sex, as well as some amount of violence. No matter how bad a movie is, seeing an arbitrary sex scene or a gruesome, bloody death makes it almost worth watching. This movie was failed on all accounts. First of all, it was shitty, with bad actors and bad dialogue. One character just kind of yelled “BEER!” for the first ten minutes while another character poured beer onto the seat of a lady he liked and then drank the beer. Ya know, because it got him that much closer to putting his actual tongue in her actual butthole. At this point in the movie you can kind of throw out all expectations of it being good, however, seeing the way the female leads were dressed, kind of assumed it was an excuse to see hooters. It should also be mentioned that the description of this movie on Netflix used the term “gory”, so you can see why I expected that. Despite the characters having sex and talking about sex and just talking about butts a lot, there’s not gratuitous nudity. Not even any essential nudity! Okay, fine, we can move past that, because there’s bound to be gore, right? Wrong. Two character get smashed in the head and you can’t really see anything, another is run over, two are stabbed, and most of the kills happen off-screen. It’s almost like some of the actors even knew how terrible this movie was and tried to make it comedic. There were a whole bunch of fart jokes, and just nothing really made sense. It was a pile of shit. No blood, no boobs, no reason at all to watch this terrible, terrible movie.

 

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Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) [REVIEW]

July 3, 2011 2 Comments

 

Fuck. Why do I do these things to myself? I mean, when I watched all the Friday the 13th/Halloween/Hellraiser/Nightmare on Elm Street movies, at least there were other people out there who could debate the quality of all of those. What has brought me to waste my time watching three of these movies? Maybe it was because the first one showed some glimpse of creativity and I keep holding out for the filmmakers to capitalize on it, maybe I am just hoping that Eliza Dushku will return, I have no fucking clue. Today certainly marks a momentous occasion…from here on out, if a movie is available on Blu Ray, I’ll post the Amazon link to buy that instead of the DVD. I mean seriously, if you don’t have a Blu Ray player by now, what are you doing with your life?

 

DICK JOKE DICK JOKE DICK JOKE

 

Two couples are white-water rafting and the two females decide to do some sunbathing. After about 20 seconds of sunbathing, one chick takes her top off. THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD. The clothed chick leaves, and the douchebag boyfriend comes over to the topless one. They have a discussion about how cool her boobs are and he starts honking them. The dialogue is something along the lines of “I could hold your boobs all da–AAHHHHH!!!!”, because he’s interrupted by an arrow shooting through her boob and into his hand. We then see an arrow go through the girl’s eye, causing the eye to pop out of her head. The guy runs through the woods and is then split in two by an axe, and the guy from the other couple somehow gets sliced apart, and the remaining girl hides in the woods. The movie really could have ended right there and I would have given it a better rating, but there was a whole 90 minutes more of shit that wasted my time.

 

If only I could remember what happens immediately after this scene……..

OH THAT’S RIGHT…

BLAMMO! SHOT TO THE EYE!

 

We are introduced to a few prisoners who are getting on a prison bus to go somewhere else, and I think we are supposed to be learning background information through some character development, but it really, really doesn’t matter. What does matter? This bus is driving through the evil woods where the mongoloids live and you know that everyone’s going to die. The bus flips over or something, and there’s that whole role reversal of the prisoners taking charge of the guards and bossing them around. One by one, prisoners and guards are getting picked off by the retarded killer until the girl who survived the opening attack makes an appearance. I guess we’re supposed to care about her not dying? I guess, whatever. Something starts happening with one of the convicts hiding money, and, well, to be honest, this movie might as well have been on mute because I wasn’t listening to ANY of the dialogue. Eventually the girl gets captured by the wood mutant, and subsequently rescued, and then everyone gets saved? Or something? And the final scene shows the guard escaping with the money, only to be killed by a convict who was following him, to then see the convict being approached by one of the killers with some sort of bloody weapon. THE FUCKING END.

 

Sure, those lines might LOOK drawn on by a marker, but that’s just the latest in special effects technology

 

Same shit, different title. I’m serious when I say that you can stop watching the movie after the first ten minutes, because it’s all downhill from there. The weird thing about this movie is that after watching a glimpse of the behind the scenes shit, I realized it was filmed in Bulgaria, which, last I checked, wasn’t in the United States. Also, pretty much every actor was British, and with the exception of two, pretended to have American accents. I guess the whole “inbred woodsmen become killers” concept is a universal one, as opposed to only existing here in America. Even though I’m not going to give this installment a better rating than the previous film, I have to admit that it was a little more engaging. That’s really not saying much, considering how awful the last one was, but it was a little less absurd than the whole gameshow concept. This one didn’t have Rollins though, so I guess it’s a toss-up between whether you prefer boobs or Henry, which I know is a debate that will keep you up at night.

 

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Cyrus (2010) [REVIEW]

July 2, 2011 Leave a comment

 

No, not that John C. Reilly movie that came out the same exact year as this one. I’m talking about the shitty, independent horror movie that also had a subtitle of “Mind of a Serial Killer”. I chose to leave that part out because this movie in no way deserves to be compared to Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. I first heard about this movie last summer because a former coworker mentioned being offered a role in it, but turned it down because it required nudity. It’s good, for many reasons, that she did. I also remember seeing this movie appear while doing research on what movie Danielle Harris was in as I was getting ready to go to Wizard World last year. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Danielle Harris is in this movie. Yay! So is Lance Henriksen. Yay!

 

Stubble = Evil. Always.

 

Danielle Harris plays a reporter who is trying to learn more about a serial killer named, you guess it, Cyrus. She gets a tip that Lance Henriksen’s character has more information on Cyrus, who has also gained the nickname of the “County Line Cannibal”. The story started with Cyrus buying a farm in the middle of nowhere, which upset his slutty wife and baby, who may or may not be slutty. After finding his wife cheating on him, he kills the man, the wife, and the baby. Coincidentally, Cyrus that starts making quite a name for himself for his “roadkill burgers”, which yes, are made of people. Cyrus, after his newfound success, needs more victims, so he then turns into a big psycho who kills people. Danielle Harris’s character starts getting creeped on by Henriksen’s story about Cyrus, but is lured into a barn with the promise of more details. After spending all this time learning about Cyrus, she is confronted by him in the barn, realizing that Henriksen’s character was his accomplice in the whole thing, and the murderous streak of Cyrus continues.

 

This scene caused Rampaige to exclaim “Her hair is rich!”, and I didn’t know what that meant, so I made her explain it. I still don’t really know what it means.

 

Not to try to slight either Danielle Harris or Lance Henriksen, but I’m getting sick and goddamned tired of these independent movies that think they can gain some sort of credibility by having a “big name” actor in them. Not to say that these actors don’t read the scripts of the movie they appear, but I think the paycheck that they get for the amount of work involved is a lot more enticing. Oh shit, I also forgot that bitch from Little Giants was in this too.If these goddamned independent movies about spending their money on multiple, decent actors, they could make a lot more succesful of a movie than one with a few recognizable actors then have to deal with a shitty script, bad effects, and a shitty supporting cast. However, There was still something exciting about spending the entire movie talking about this one character, especially how big of an asshole he was, and then finally seeing him confront the other main characters. Maybe I am just easily entertained, but that was the one mildly enjoyable part of the whole movie. Oh, also the part where we got to see the “driver’s license” of one of the victims, and it was that girl from Little Giants, and it couldn’t have been more obvious that the picture was just her headshot. Only to later in the movie see a photoshopped “picture” of her with her friends, which also used the same exact headshot. Fucking seriously? Couldn’t even afford two different pictures of her? The plot was unoriginal, the gore and special effects were sub-par, and I came quite close to shutting it off. Better luck next time, guys!

 

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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) [REVIEW]

June 21, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Since I like to be honest with all of my readers, I’d like to admit to you guys that the reason I watched the first movie was to eventually watch this film. I saw an animated GIF of a kill from the movie, and based ony m enjoyment of an animated GIF, I thought maybe this movie would have some good kills. I didn’t want to jump straight into the sequel, which is why I made it a point to watch the first movie. Otherwise, can you imagine how confused I would be?! I would have no idea why anyone was in the woods or just how retarded the monsters in this movie were! The time finally came when all of my hard work paid off, and now you get to hear what I thought…but as a warning, it isn’t going to be pretty.

 

There ya go, now you have no reason to watch this movie

 

Similar to the first film, this one starts with the arbitrary death of a character that we know nothing about, but we see the brutality of the hillfolk who will be the villains for the rest of the movie. It wasn’t until watching some of the special features that I learned that the girl who got killed was some dumb bitch named Kimberly Caldwell who I guess is some host for stupid bullshit like American Idol? I also learned she was full of herself and acted like anyone gave a shit about the fact that she was in the movie. What I was more concerned with was the fact that she played “herself”, which is apparently some D-List celebrity who thinks she’s relevant, and while she is talking to her agent on the phone, we hear that her agent is voiced by Patton Oswalt. What the fuck? I’m hoping he recorded his voiceover for this movie before Ratatouille came out, otherwise he could have gotten paid a lot more for it. Holy shit, I’m still complaining about the opening scene, which ended with the sole reason I watched any of these movies. Do I still have to watch the rest?

 

You can tell who the goth is by the wristbands and shitty shit hair

 

The premise of this one is much different from the first one, and a lot more annoying. A bunch of contestants are selected to compete in some bullshit reality show that confused the fuck out of me when they were explaining it. Hey, filmmakers, if you’re spending a shit ton of time explaining the rules of a fake reality show, you’re doing it wrong. More importantly, the host of this show is a former Marine, and is played by Henry Rollins, which made me slightly more interested. Did I mention that this reality game show takes place in the woods? The very same woods that the first film took place in? Well I’m sure you can imagine the direction that this movie goes. We see characters like the annoying and edgy skateboarder, the injured jock, the slutty chick, a suicidal goth chick, and a lesbian ex-military lady. Talk about diversity! Over the course of the next 93 boring, agonizing minutes, some of these characters die while others live. Also, the hill people are killed sporadically as well, and we do see one scene where two of them fuck each other. Great. Not to mention that we also see boobs at one point, and we also see one of the retard baby freaks being born, and at the end, all of the mountain people are killed. And by “all”, I mean almost all, because then we see the freak baby refusing to suck on a bottle, and instead sucking on a severed finger. We also see that the bottle was filled with water that had toxic sludge in it, which we’re expected to believe was the reason for the freaks in the first place.

 

What, they don’t have toothbrushes in the woods?! Oh, okay then. Carry on.

 

What a waste of fucking time. So very, very shitty. Not that I necessarily expected there to be anything good about this movie, but it’s still annoying that I wasted my time with this. I can admit that the gore/special effects were mildly entertaining, but I use the term “mildly” loosely. I think the gore was creative, but there was just something about it that made the film look like it had an even lower budget than it actually did. Maybe it was because they were seemed to use three times the amount of blood for every scene than a standard horror movie would use, it just came across as lazy. Had the filler in between the death scenes been more entertaining, or at least less painful to watch, maybe I would have enjoyed the death scenes more. Rollins was in it for a good amount of time, so at least he was somewhat entertaining, but every other fucking character was annoying. I’d like to point out that the suicidal goth, played by Erica Leerhsen, survives to the end of the movie. Name sound familiar? She also played the shitty, annoying hippy girl from Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, as well as being known for the girl who pulled a gun out of her cooter in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a rap sheet she’s got going for her! I also just now remembered a scene that attempted to pay homage to Texas Chain Saw Massacre by having a female wake up at a dinner table, strapped to a chair, and then a chaotic dinner scene. The director seemed to have good ideas, he was just stuck with a shitty script. In conclusion, just watch that GIF I posted a few times, listen to some Black Flag, then smear yourself in fake blood, and you’ll have a better time than watching this shitty, shitty movie.

 

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My Soul to Take (2010) [REVIEW]

May 23, 2011 2 Comments



FUCK. THIS. SHITTY. MOVIE.  I know this is the introduction to why I watched this movie, but I really don’t know how I can get into anything like that when I am still so pissed at spending time watching this movie. I did consider going to see this in theaters when it came out last year, being the first film Wes Craven has written and directed since New Nightmare, so how could it be bad? Oh, it can be bad, it can be REALLY fucking bad. It’s almost like he took every single idea he has had for a scary movie since the last movie he made and tried to throw it all together, not giving a fuck that it made no sense. I guess before I get into it any further, I should tell you what the fuck it was about.



Teenagers? In the woods? Nothing good can come of this!

 

The film starts with some sort of insanely filmed segment where we learn that there is a serial killer being referred to as the “Ripper”, and no one knows who it is. We see who it is, and that it’s some guy who has mental issues and split personalities and hallucinations, and everyone is fucking confused as to what happens. The cops show up after he kills his pregnant wife, and when shooting him down and transporting him to a hospital, the ambulance explodes and the body of the Ripper kind of disappears or something. Next we see a gathering of a bunch of high school kids in the woods, and learn that it’s 16 years after the events of the opening scene and that the day is now supposedly haunted or something, and more specifically, there were seven teenagers born on the day of the Ripper’s disappearance. I guess there is supposed to be some sort of legend to all the shit going on, but it doesn’t make much sense.



OMG the scary knife has the word “VEGEANCE” written on it. That like, totally adds depth to the murderer!

 

The seven teens are all a bunch of cocksuckers and I can’t stand looking at them, so luckily one of them is killed by someone dressed as the Ripper. One of the seven, nicknamed “Bug”, is the main character we follow, mostly because he has the schizophrenia, as well as being bullied by another one of the seven. Then there’s this scene in a classroom where Bug and another one of the seven have made a giant California condor puppet things that pukes and shits all over the bully. You get the impression that this condor puppet will have some sort of significance, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t show up in the movie again. We get to see the “hot” girl from the seven being confronted by the bully from the seven, and he tries forcing her into giving him a blowjob in the woods. Sadly, she runs away? Then we find out that Bug was the son of the Ripper and he was the baby in the stomach of the pregnant Ripper wife in the beginning of the movie. Someone determines that either the Ripper is still alive, or that the Ripper’s soul is in one of the seven, and we learn that it was Bug’s friend, who tries to kill Bug, only to get killed first, and then the movie is over or something?



This is what you get for not giving blow jobs in the woods! STRANGLED BY CREEP HANDS!

 

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT. Whose fucking idea was it to make this movie almost two hours? There are so many ridiculous ideas and concepts that I can’t even keep track of how much fucking time was wasted by trying to set up the mythology of the movie. And to be COMPLETELY honest, I couldn’t finish this movie. I got about an hour and fifteen minutes into it, and rather than staying awake for another thirty minutes, decided I’d rather sleep, and never finish this movie, because it doesn’t deserve it. I only found out the ending through Wikipedia, and it looks as though I made a wise decision on that one. Considering how much shitty movies I watch, the fact that this is one that I just couldn’t bring myself to finish should say a lot.



I mean, this is kind of creepy, right?

 

Within the first 45 minutes or so, I thought the movie sucked, but there were a few interesting visuals. The aesthetics of the Ripper character were kind of scary, and I saw Rampaige get scared when he was running around like a jerk, so I didn’t want to judge the movie. And the whole scene involving the condor was relatively creepy, assuming that it would show up later in the movie with some sort of context, and then it, well, didn’t. I really can’t recommend this movie to anyone, for any reason, because it’s just not fucking worth it. Even if there were a half a dozen cool shots, that in no way justifies having to watch sixteen year olds, which is a term I use loosely, run around with shitty and pointless dialogue, underwhelming payoff, and a completely disrespectful installment in Wes Craven’s legacy. Although, now that I’m looking through all the shit he’s written, there’s only a handful of movies I think are entertaining, and the rest is shit. Fuck this movie right in its shitty fucking face. Goddammit.


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Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005) [REVIEW]

May 4, 2011 6 Comments

 

Fucking finally, I can be finished with all of this bullshit. The film starts with a group of friends at the funeral of their other friend, who apparently killed himself after becoming addicted with some online videogame called “Hellworld“. Weird how the movie is named after this game. Anyways, a few years later, the friends are still playing this game, and through unlocking a virtual puzzle cube, they are invited to attend a Hellworld party. When they get there, they find that, big surprise, it’s a party filled with alcohol, leather, and sex, and everyone is pretty stoked. They meet the host of the party, played by Lance Henriksen, who has a large collection of Cenobite paraphernalia and he tells them a little about the party, and how everyone gets a cell phone and a mask with a number on it, so people can call each others’ masks? Or something? The friends start getting singled out, one by one, in different rooms of the house, and meet their unfortunate demise, generally at the hands of Pinhead. Two of the friends survive, and after interrogating the host, they realize that the host is the father of the friend who killed himself, and the whole Hellworld party was set up to get revenge on the friends. The other friends weren’t actually killed by Pinhead, the host merely drugged them, and were buried alive, and using the cell phones, the host was able to influence their hallucinations and they ended up dying. The cops show up before the host can kill the final two friends, and while wondering where the call came from, one of the friends looks into the house and sees the ghost of the friend who was dead in the beginning of the movie. The father has escaped, but while playing with a puzzle cube, he unlocks it and then Pinhead and friends show up to kill him. The end of the movie shows the two friends driving somewhere, then getting a vision of the father in their backseat trying to kill them, only to be imaginary, and the hotel room where the father was killed by Pinhead shows the room covered in blood, including the puzzle box. What the fuck did that have to do with anything?

 

Oh no, it’s your friend whose name I don’t remember either!

As petty as it may sound, or as Tom Petty as it may sound, those last two minutes of nonsense completely ruined this movie. Not that it was good to begin with or anything, but it was just so nonsensical that I can’t give it a favorable review anymore. This movie was filmed right after the previous one was, and the script for this one was never even intended to be a Hellraiser movie. They just changed some of the ideas and concepts behind it to arbitrarily throw Pinhead into the mix so that the name “Hellraiser” could hopefully result in a little bit more money. It’s apparent that it has nothing to do with Hellraiser right from the beginning, and it was relatively entertaining because it was detached from the rest of the mythos of the series. This was also the first time in a while that the cast seemed relatively young, whereas the rest of the films mostly deal with adults as the main characters, which hasn’t really happened since the first couple of movies. I don’t really care either way, just something I noticed. I wouldn’t have had a problem with the ending if it wasn’t such a stupid fucking way to tie this into the rest of the series, and it’s about time that one of these movies gets my lowest rating. See ya later, Hellraiser, you can fuck right off.

 

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Grizzly Rage (2007) [REVIEW]

March 10, 2011 10 Comments

 

DO I NEED TO FUCKING EXPLAIN WHY I WATCHED A MOVIE CALLED GRIZZLY RAGE? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

 

Oh look, it’s that one scene where that one bear roars.

There’s a group of kids celebrating graduation from something that wasn’t really important, high school, college, doesn’t fucking matter. So they are off-roading or four-wheeling or something aggro, and they hit a baby bear. NOOOOO!!!! Somehow they know it’s a grizzly, despite looking like a black bear, but I guess I’m not the bear expert. Hitting the cub drives them off-road and ruins their car, so they have to start finding help on foot. But guess what….THE BABY BEAR’S MOM IS PISSED! I guess because one guy tried to help the dead bear with his shirt, the mom got a whiff of their scent and hunted them? Doesn’t matter, it’s bullshit. We see these assholes running around the woods, getting scared by bears, they use the same shot of the bear yelling over and over again. Some people die, some live, and then there is some climactic scene with the bear and the last two characters. They are running away, and the guy falls, and the girl is all I WON’T LEAVE YOU HERE and he is all GO ON WITHOUT ME and she is all NO I WON’T DO IT and as they are bickering, they see the bear running after them, and then it growls and we see the title card GRIZZLY RAGE at the end, with flames in the background. They’re all dead!

 

You’re going to die. You know how I know you’re going to die? Because you’re a character in this movie.

Do I really need to explain? I knew going into this movie that it would be bad, and, well, it was. One thing I forgot to mention was the fact that there was some scene where the characters looked over into a pond or lake and saw nuclear waste or toxic waste or something spilled in it. I guess we were supposed to think that this is why the grizzly is pissed? Either it was pissed because it hated pollution or maybe it turned into a freak monster because of sewage, who the fuck knows. This movie was shitty, and nobody should watch it again, and everyone involved in making it should kill themselves. I guess it was kind of funny that everyone died at the end, and it happened off-screen, but not even close to redeeming anything about it at all. It’s not even like one of those movies where it’s so bad that it’s funny, it’s just, well, bad. Sorry guys, maybe it would have worked out better had it been called “Polar Rage”, and it was a polar bear, ya know, the largest land carnivore? I guess they’d have to explain why there were people hanging out in the coldness of the arctic circle, but I’m sure they could have thought of something.

 

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Halloween II (2009) [REVIEW]

March 5, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Rob Zombie‘s shitfest part 2, or as the French would say, part deux. We pick up where we left off, with Laurie surviving the previous attack and being taken to the hospital. There’s another one of those fake-out deaths by Michael Myers, who kills the paramedics and makes his way to the hospital where Laurie is. He kills his way back to her, and takes an axe, and then right as he smashes her head open, she wakes up from a dream. I guess Danielle Harris‘s character from the first film survived, and her dad was the sheriff, and he adopted Laurie. She is obviously having problems, and spends a lot of time complaining about that. Michael is alive I guess and escapes, and has this big bushy beard. There’s this stupid shit where he has three versions of himself? Or something? He comes back after Laurie, and Dr. Loomis, once again played by Malcolm McDowell, is selling a book about his experiences with Michael, and people are pissed about him making money that way. There’s a hostage situation or something involving Loomis, Michael, and Laurie? I guess Loomis gets killed, and Michael gets shot, then Laurie stabs Michael in the face, and then goes to a psychiatric ward. EVERYBODY IS FUCKED BECAUSE WE WASTED OUR TIME WITH THIS MOVIE.

 

We’ve gone from the terrifying Michael Myers to Beardy Joe….great.

MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND, MR. ZOMBIE. Remember that dream sequence I was talking about? Yeah, that lasted 30 minutes. As if the first film he did wasn’t bad enough with the double movie plot thing, this film COMPLETELY WASTED the first 30 minutes with a dream sequence. What was the fucking point? CHOOSE ONE FUCKING PLOT. If you were to disregard the first 30 minutes, it plays as a somewhat normal storyline. One problem? The stupid bullshit about Michael imagining his mom being with him, also imagining himself as a child being there with him? So fucking stupid. I guess the last 90 minutes weren’t really redeeming or entertaining, but at least had they cut out those first, pointless 30 minutes, I could have shut this movie off 30 minutes earlier.

 

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