The Shrine (2010) [REVIEW]

December 4, 2011 2 Comments

 

I’ve had this movie on the Netflix Instant Queue for a few weeks ago, and Rampaige was the one who kept wanting to watch it, saying how the cover freaked her out. I also think the description mentioned a demon, or it was suggested as a “supernatural thriller” or something, which we are suckers for. Every time I stumbled across it and pulled up the description, I couldn’t help but notice that Trevor Matthews, a.k.a. Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer himself, was in it, which I was glad to see since I didn’t know he was still acting. Not that he would stop acting or anything, just that I thought Jack Brooks was promising and wondered what he was involved in now. More research showed that Matthews was teaming up again with Jon Knautz with producing and writing duties, while Knautz was directing the picture. That was the same combo for Jack Brooks! I guess that meant my expectations were somewhere in the middle, since Jack Brooks set the bar just above a SyFy original movie.

 

Sorry guys, that’s not Bobby Drake from the X-Men movies. This is the twin who got to be in Veronica Mars, which makes him even cooler than the one who kissed Anna Paquin.

 

The film opens with a man being strapped to a table, a metal mask being placed over his head, and a guy in a robe using a fancy hammer to smash that mask into his face. That scene is immediately followed by a woman coming out of the shower. Yes! That woman is Carmen (Cindy Samson), an investigative reporter for DCypher magazine. Hahaha DCypher, that’s fucking stupid. She learns of a man who went missing in Europe, and for some reason decides to go over to Europe to investigate the disappearance, despite being instructed to investigate bees. While investigating the last place the man visited, she encounters weird townsfolk who seem to be hiding a secret and avoid talking to her. She’s there with her boyfriend, played by Aaron Ashmore, and an intern, played by Meghan Heffern, who go with her to investigate some weird fog in the woods. Both Carmen and the intern see a creepy statue (or “shrine”, if you will)in the fog, and then the three are apprehended by the townsfolk. The intern gets the same mask smashed into the face treatment that we saw in the beginning, but then Carmen and her boyfriend are able to escape and seek refuge in a nearby cottage. They aren’t able to hide there for long, as the people in charge of smashing masks into faces find them, only to realize that Carmen is turning into a scary demon monster. Apparently the only way to kill these demon monsters is by smashing their faces with these masks, and the townspeople were trying to protect humanity from these demons, as opposed to just being jerks. Go figure!

 

Couldn’t they have at least put a funny mustache on the mask? I mean, I think mustaches gaurd all demons from hurting people, right? Maybe I need to read the Bible more.

 

Even though I’ve only seen two films that have come from the Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer team, I think I can point out a few of the trends in their films. It seems as though they go with affordable actors who are able to memorize the script, while incorporating one person who is somewhat recognizable. Obviously having Robert Englund in their first film was far more recognizable than Aaron Ashmore, but still, it’s something. I don’t know what kind of cameras they shoot their movies on, but it seems more like TV quality than film quality, which I’m sure has something to do with budgetary reasons. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is about each scene that makes me think that, it just seems like everything has a soft enough focus that there’s no way it could have been shot on film or on a high quality digital camera. Despite the acting and direction not being that exceptional, this crew can succeed because of their story. Maybe it was because I was writing this movie off as being stereotypical by having a small European town with scary residents, but I didn’t see the twist coming until the very end. Again, maybe if someone was paying more attention to the story, and hadn’t already made up their mind on the quality of the film, might have known earlier than I did, but it was a fun enough twist for me. I think that had the budget for this movie been bigger it could have been more successful, but it is still showing promise of this creative team. Hopefully their next movie will have just as fun of a story but won’t attempt too much, or at least won’t attempt anything outside of their reach. I kept forgetting this movie was called “The Shrine” while watching it, which I think was a good thing, because I completely forgot that the shrine in the movie was important at all, so I recommend the same for you to enjoy it at maximum capacity. Oh yeah, and Trevor Matthews had this terrible haircut in the movie, which was maybe an attempt at being an authentic European?

 

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Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007) [REVIEW]

November 9, 2011 Leave a comment

 

The first time I saw this movie was at the Music Box Massacre IV back in 2008. I am pretty sure it was shown at six in the morning when no one had an idea of what was going on in their lives. It might have even been later than that, I don’t feel like using my brain to remember that detail at this very moment. The parts of it that I remembered were fun, and I told my friend Duke that it might be something he would like. Another reason I thought he would like it was the fact that Jack Brooks was a plumber, so he was often wearing a tool belt and fixing things, and Duke is a carpenter, so there was that connection. A couple of weeks after seeing it, I said we should try to watch it, and Duke bought it for me for my birthday, which falls shortly after Halloween. All of these reasons combined add up to this movie being more of a nostalgic favorite of mine, rather than it actually being all that good. And the fact that it’s Canadian certainly doesn’t help matters much.

 

The facial hair/baseball hat combination also kind of looks like my friend Duke. But that denim jacket? ALL WOLFMAN STYLE.

 

Jack Brooks, played by Trevor Matthews (who was also one of the producers and helped come up with the story) has an anger problem, which certainly wasn’t helped by the fact that his family was killed by a monster when he was a kid. As in, a real life monster that came out of the woods. He’s unhappy with his life, his girlfriend, his job, and doesn’t really know what he wants to accomplish in his life. Lucky for him, his professor at night school, played by Robert Englund, uncovers some weird monster demon heart thing in his backyard that causes hm to turn into, well, a weird monster demon thing. While all Jack really wants to do is coast through life without getting too much attention or disrupt the status quo, he is thrown into the thick of an epic monster battle as his professor has changed into full-fledged monster and is infecting other students one night. As Jack attempts to escape, the song he heard while his family was murdered comes on the radio, causing him to use his anger to destroy all of the monsters. He succeeds, and when the film ends, we see him confront the monster who killed his family, as well as venturing to remote parts of the world to do the one thing that had been calling out to him his whole life: SLAYING FUCKING MONSTERS.

 

This is what Robert Englund looked like when he turned into a monster. I guess it kind of sort of looks like him?

 

I wish I could provide a more enthralling dissection of this movie, but as you can see from the plot, it’s relatively straightforward. Robert Englund was awesome in this movie while going through his transformation scenes, and considering Trevor Matthews mostly just stood in at the last minute as Jack Brooks, he does a pretty decent job. All of the special effects and gore were practical effects, so it was good to see a movie that would sacrifice “believability” for how practical effects looked. I also can’t really say this film is completely a horror movie, because there are quite a few comedic moments in it. Unfortunately, as I’ve mentioned multiple times, combining horror with comedy is a tricky subject because I feel like every attempt at the mixture ends up one or the other, but not both. Given that, I’d say this movie was a lot funnier than it was scary, but it did still have some pretty good practical effects. I’d say it was like a good SyFy movie that entertains you for 90 minutes, but unless you are like me and don’t have nostalgic memories attached to it, it’s not too memorable.

 

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Sleepy Hollow (1999) [REVIEW]

October 29, 2011 3 Comments

 

Everyone remembers the cartoon of this story, right? Well, not only do I remember that, but I also remember that we bought  live-action version of the story starring Jeff Goldblum from the grocery store some time in the early 90′s, and it was boring and shitty. The first time I watched this installment, I had invited my mom to watch it with me because it was probably a Friday or Saturday night and I was a loser with no friends. Much to our surprise, this movie was bloody as shit!I don’t necessarily mean that in either a good or a bad way, I guess it was just surprising. Where am I going with this? I really have no idea, I’m just trying to fill the “introductory paragraph” that you have all come to know and love. Oh wait! I saved the best for last! Did you know I’ve actually fucking visited Sleepy Hollow? Ya see, back in college, when most other people were doing drugs or having sex or whatever, I was convincing friends to go on roadtrips in the middle of the night to places like Sleepy Hollow. Did anything spooky happen there? Nope! But it’s pretty funny that the name of every building and company there had “Sleepy Hollow” in the name. Thanks like “Animal Hospital of Sleepy Hollow”, or “Sleepy Hollow Diner”, even “This Building is Awake and Solid…of Sleepy Hollow”. Okay fine, I made some of those up.

 

Despite Johnny Depp fitting the part, this relationship seemed a little forced. One exchange of dialogue included Ichabod being all “OH HEY GIRL, ARE YOU LIKE, A FUCKING WITCH OR SOMETHING?”, and she’s all like “WHOA HEY WHY ARE YOU BEING A DICK TO ME RIGHT NOW”, and then Ichabod is all like “NAW BITCH, IT’S BECAUSE YOU’VE FUCKING BEWITCHED ME……OH SHIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!” and then they fuck or something.

 

It’s the turn of the century, which I think was the 18th going on 19th, and Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp) is sent from the police brigade (or whatever they called it) in New York City to the town of Sleepy Hollow. Ichabod is seemingly chastised and punished for investigating all deaths and pushing for the science behind all murders. It appears he’s met his match when the people in Sleepy Hollow are blaming the recent deaths on an old legend of a Headless Horseman, who is the spirit of a brutal war criminal. As more and more people are being murdered, and Ichabod Crane, in his bumbling yet scientific ways, is trying to find out what all of the victims have in common. After some detective work, it turns out that all the murders can be tied to some sort of dispute over land or money or something, and there’s one lady who has something to gain from all of these murders, so she had taken the skull of the Horseman, allowing her to command him. Crane is able to take possession of the skull and return it to the spectre that’s been beheading everyone, who then takes the one commanding him down to Hell with him. Feeling as though his job was accomplished, Ichabod Crane moves back to New York City with Christina Ricci and some kid whose dad was killed by the Horseman.

 

“FUUUUCKING PAAAAARTYYYYYYYY!”

I DON’T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT SHIT FROM THE CARTOON. And to be quite honest, I think Mr. Burton took a few artistic liberties to make this movie. Johnny Depp as Ichabod Crane was a good choice, and he was able to play a character who is odd and quirky, yet not stupid or insane. It’s a much more subtle version of some of the Johnny Depp characters we’ve seen in the past decade. Most of the supporting cast was pretty good too, especially Christopher Walken as the Head-having Horseman. The look and feel of the film was one of the highlights, as Burton was able to make everything look authentic, yet give the feeling of unease. Lots of scenes, if not all of them, were filmed with blue-tinted filters that gave everything a cold and detached look. Despite the film being interesting to look at, and all of the cast doing a great job, the biggest issue with this movie is the liberties made with the plot. I’m still not sure if I have any fucking clue what was going on in it, and it was made for more complicated than I felt it needed to be. I understand that there might not have been too much to go with as far as adapting the source material into the movie, but did it need to be that complicated? I totally left shit out of the plot because it would have confused me again trying to figure it out, but you’re not missing out. Another thing was that even though the look and feel of the film was odd and interesting, it wasn’t actually scary. I think the creepy part about the Headless Horseman is the mystery behind who he is and why he kills the people he kills. I feel that way about most legends, that the less you know the better, and that there was no rhyme or reason as to why you’d fall victim to this phantom. It certainly committed to a certain tone, but that tone wasn’t all that creepy or anything, and was a little too similar to any other “slasher” that was out around that time.

 

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Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) [REVIEW]

October 26, 2011 4 Comments

 

I have absolutely no qualms about really enjoying the first film, and really can’t remember much of what happened in its sequel. I do remember not liking the sequel, and was considering not going to see this because the trailers weren’t that exciting. Correction, the first trailer, singular, was kind of lame and I didn’t enjoy the direction that the franchise was headed. I told myself I wouldn’t watch any further trailers and then would wait to hear some reviews, but then when I went to see Drive, they played a trailer for this that looked like it gave away EVERY FUCKING SCARE IN THE MOVIE. I was pretty pissed, and confirmed I wouldn’t see this movie. Luckily, it was revealed that basically all footage in the trailers was there just to throw people off, which redeemed my faith in the possibility that this could be entertaining, and luckily, I was right. Oh yeah, and there’s going to be spoilers all over the place, so if that’s not your thing, you might not want to go further.

 

Is this a scene from the movie? No, it’s just that scene from the trailer. I’ll try again next time.

 

Each previous movie focused on one of two sisters (Katie Featherstone and Sprague Grayden), and this installment starts with the realization that these sisters were filmed as children, but all of the VHS tapes of them went missing during the course of events in the second film. PA3 shows us what was contained on that footage. We see the sisters Katie and Kristi, played by Chloe Csengery and Jessica Tyler Brown, growing up with their mom and her boyfriend who makes a living videotaping weddings. Kristi is constantly talking about her imaginary friend named Toby who lives in the crawl space of her and Katie’s room. For some reason, which isn’t really made clear, weird things start happening, so the boyfriend begins videotaping the weird sounds that are happening in the house. From lightbulbs shattering to seeing objects move, things are getting weirder and weirder. The occurrences become so powerful that babysitters are being physically assaulted, large items are being moved great distances or destroyed, even Katie is lifted into the air by her ponytail, and the whole time Kristi is blaming this stuff on “Tony”. The boyfriend does research on demons and witches and shit, and sees a photo of some coven of witches wearing necklaces with a strange symbol. When this symbol is seen in the crawl space of the girls’ room, the family goes to stay at the grandmother’s house. That night, the two girls and their mom disappear into the house, and the boyfriend tries to find them. We can see him being followed by strange silhouettes, and when paintings are moved to the ground, we see strange symbols on the walls. Exploring the garage, the boyfriend sees a group of women in black robes and wearing the same strange necklaces as from the photo he found. The girls’ mom is then thrown at him from the top of the stairs, his body is contorted and broken by an unseen presence, Katie’s face flashes to that of what we saw at the end of the first movie, and the grandmother takes the children by the hand, while Kristi makes sure to invite Toby to come with them.

 

Is this a scene from the movie? Nope, guess again!

 

I really wanted to dislike this movie, probably because of how disappointed I was in the previous installment. The first film didn’t need any sort of background of mythology whatsoever, that I was annoyed with how the built upon that in the second. Something about a curse and a demon taking the firstborn male in the family or something? Yeah, no thanks. However, now that we can see how this “curse” started (kind of) and learned that the victims of the previous movies were subjected to this torture because their grandmother was a witch? Actually pretty cool. Before I say too much stuff that’s good, let’s say some things I didn’t like. The first big “scares” of the movie were scares involving people, where they built tension thinking a ghost or something would do something crazy, only to have a human jump out. Sure, it was fun to do once, but repeatedly? No thanks. The acting wasn’t all that strong, but that isn’t too big of a surprise when keeping the previous movies in mind, but the more characters brought in, the more you noticed it. The boyfriend takes a camera and attached it to an oscillating fan, and even though it was a clever idea, it was too predictable that ANY time you saw that shot, you knew something creepy was going to happen. Same goes for when Katie plays “Bloody Mary” with the person watching her, so it was just making it way too obvious when to expect things to happen. Oh yeah, and there was a “sex scene” which seemed really arbitrary and pointless. Not necessarily complaining about what I saw, just seemed like an executive said, “Hey guys, sex it up a little bit!”

 

Look at how dramatic THIS is! This clearly must be in the film! BZZZT. WRONG.

 

What I really like about all of the movies in this franchise is the fact that you never, EVER see a “ghost”. You see objects, figures, and shapes, but they never resort to showing what the source of everything is, which is something most other films are all too quick to do. Nothing is as creepy as what we imagine “Toby” to look like, and I’m glad this franchise is keeping it that way. Whenever there was about to be something creepy happen, there was always a subtle, high-pitched sound that was made, implying the entity was causing that to happen. We’ve heard the ominous rumbling sounds, but I don’t think this effect was used in this waY in the previous films. And although there were plenty of moments where there was obvious CGI, the practical effects that they did were pretty cool. I won’t get into detail about EVERY little twist and turn that happens in the movie, but if you know these movies, you can just imagine some things that they do. They way they can make objects appear, disappear, and the way Toby manifests himself are all pretty cool camera tricks.

 

Wait a second….HOLY SHIT, THIS REALLY IS FROM THE MOVIE! THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE! FOR REAL!

 

Quite a few more good things than bad things, huh? So why am isn’t this getting a better rating? Well, I know this movie stands on its own, especially considering it’s a prequel, and that it shouldn’t rely too heavily on the two previous films. That might be all well and good, but do you remember how pointless Paranormal Activity 2 is? Let’s think about it; the first film didn’t really establish any mythology at all, other than Katie has had issues with “ghosts” before, which resulted in her house burning down. Does anyone care? No. They liked seeing doors open and close and footsteps. The second film reveals that there is some sort of blood curse, but this curse is pursuing a different family member who viewers don’t really care about. It gave a little bit more information, but not that much. Now that we’re on our third film, the one that establishes curses and witches and demons, and maybe it’s because I have a soft spot for all of that stuff, I really liked where it went. The franchise changed from being afraid of this demon to instead being afraid of the witches who summoned this demon, and whether it be Rosemary’s Baby or The Last Exorcism, I will always be more creeped out by the calm individuals who are unassuming, but summon demons in their free time. I think that maybe had this film been delayed a little bit and Paranormal Activity 2 never existed, you’d have a very solid franchise on your hands, with just enough information being given and just enough mysteries for the viewers. Instead, we’ll probably get a fourth installment that won’t make any sense because we already know how the original victims got involved in these terrible things in the first place. I was really hoping this one would end in a giant fire like the one they talk about in the two previous movies, but they’re probably saving that for part 5 or something. Oh yeah, and that movie Catfish was probably fake. Dammit.

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A Horrible Way to Die (2010) [REVIEW]

September 20, 2011 4 Comments

 

What a movie title! Obviously my first thought was that this film was going to be filled with some incredible brutal and creepy death scenes, and I was all for it. Some of the stills I saw before its release also got me pretty excited for the look of the movie, and was obviously excited to watch it. I got kind of pissed when I heard that AJ Bowen was in it, until I realized I thought that AJ Bowen was someone completely different. AJ Bowen has been in movies like “The Signal” and “The House of the Devil”, whereas I thought it was an actor named Eric Balfour. You might know him as that kind of douche-y looking guy from the remake of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which also starred Jessica Biel’s butt. This movie featured some flashbacks, so for the sake of getting the plot in order, I’m going to talk about the story chronologically as opposed to how things were shown in the film. And yes, spoiler alert, I’m going to give away the ending, possibly revealing what is such a horrible way to die.

 

What did you expect to find when breaking into your crazy boyfriend’s storage unit!?

 

This chick, played by Amy Seimetz,  is dating a dude, played by AJ Bowen, when she learns that he is a psycho killer person who has just killed someone or some people, so he goes to jail. Seimetz’s character begins attending AA meetings to treat not only her drug and alcohol problems, but also uses it as a means to put her former life, and former boyfriend, behind her. It’s there that she strikes up a relationship with Joe Swanberg’s character. The two start falling for one another, and do sexy things together, like have sex. Whoa! Bad news is that her former boyfriend has escaped from prison and has been killing people while on his quest to find his former girlfriend, the one responsible for him being in prison in the first place. The new, seemingly happy couple, decide to take refuge in a secluded cabin in the woods to make sure to avoid the psycho ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, once arriving at the cabin, new boyfriend turns out to be a psycho creep who has planned for this whole thing to happen, along with some of his psycho friends, and they tie the girlfriend up, waiting for the ex-boyfriend to arrive. When he arrives, we learn that this was all an elaborate scheme where three creeps were contacting the psycho boyfriend because they were such big fans of his murders. Now that he sees his ex-girlfriend, the one responsible for his incarceration, he tells these strange creeps that he loves her and he gets all pissed at them for doing that and kills them. After being fatally wounded, the psycho ex releases the captive, being the only character to survive the horrific events.

 

Paul F. Tompkins AJ Bowen had a pretty sweet mustache.

 

During the beginning of the film I was thinking to myself about how much I liked that this was shot on a handheld camera and how it added an extra bit of realism to it. Halfway through the movie I was begging for a fucking tripod. I enjoyed the style until it became almost unbearable, having every single shot bouncing all over the screen and different objects coming into and out of focus the whole time. Had this style been handled with more subtlety then I definitely would have bumped this movie up on the moon scale, but it was just too much. I also chose to tell the plot chronologically, because the bearded and unbearded main actors kept confusing me. I kept thinking that the ex-boyfriend killer, who we saw shaving, was a future version of the “new” boyfriend, and we were jumping back and forth between time. Maybe that’s just my own personal issue of not recognizing actors if there is a beard involved, but I was confused for a good amount of the movie. I did really like the twist at the end, and wasn’t expecting it, so if you have a higher tolerance for camerawork that bounces all over, you might enjoy this clever take on a revenge slasher that has a solid cast and writing throughout.

 

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Bereavement (2010) [REVIEW]

September 4, 2011 Leave a comment

 

The description I read of this movie and the fact that it has only just been released on video recently is what piqued my interest in watching it. I didn’t even realize until about ten minutes ago that it was a prequel to another movie called “Malevolence”. I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t watch that other movie because the reviews for this movie are better, but I assume that it explains why some thing were left unanswered. Doesn’t look like I’ll be watching the original movie though, because this one wasn’t good enough to justify watching more about the character, and you know how much I hate wasting time watching bad movies!

 

This movie was the inspiration for a Third Eye Blind song, little known fact right there.

 

It’s 1989 and we see a little kid, played by Spencer List, abducted from his backyard while we hear his mom talking to a nurse about the child’s condition, which I can’t remember the name of at the moment because I think it’s made up. Basically, this little kid can’t feel things so he is susceptible to cuts and bruises without him knowing. The guy who kidnaps him is clearly not a nice guy, and over the next five years, this child watches the old guy kidnap, torture, and sacrifice young girls. We then get to see Allison, played by Alexandra Daddario, move in with her uncle, played by Michael Biehn, somewhere in Pennsylvania. Despite being miles apart, Allison and her uncle are neighbors with an old, abandoned slaughterhouse where the little kid, who is apparently named Martin, lives. Allison goes for a run and sees Martin in the slaughterhouse, and while exploring the building, sees multiple cow skulls, sometimes attached to human skeletons, as well as a diary that chronicles the torturer’s torturings. She is then captured by the old man torture guy who throws her in a freezer and tells her to “Chill out”…okay that doesn’t happen, but it probably happened in Batman and Robin. As her uncle comes to look for her, he gets shot and killed. Damn. Martin aides her in her escape from the freezer, but it doesn’t last long. This is around the time where some of the details get foggy. I think she is able to wound the guy who kidnapped her along the way, but I know that the little kid is the one to finish him off. When you think Allison is safe back at her uncle’s house, Martin kills her and the rest of the family, then sets the building on fire. Don’t worry though, the puppy makes it out safely. Did I mention there was a puppy? Well there was, and it was awesome.

 

“So wait,you’re saying I took my large-breasted female lead, made them wear ONLY a tanktop, and put them in a freezer intentionally?! Well I never!” – the Director

 

This movie was so very, very close to being something more than it was. I was so close to considering this movie a movie that I “liked”, as opposed to one I thought was “not bad”. One thing I liked was the overall look of the film, and I enjoyed the way that director Stevan Mena really took advantage of all the wide open spaces you’d find in rural Pennsylvania. Although I knew I wasn’t watching Planet Earth, sometimes I felt like I was because of the cinematography and the way the isolation and remoteness of the locations were filmed. This film also successfully combined not just the concept of a teen having to adjust to life in rural Pennsylvania after the death of her parents, but also told the story of the life of a child being brought up with a psycho torture guy who may or may not be a religious fanatic. As if this wasn’t enough, there was another concept that was brought up that was only hinted at, that had they explored further, I would have enjoyed much more.

 

LOOK AT HOW CREEPY AND AWESOME THIS LOOKS!

 

Oh, you wanted to know what that concept was? Well I’ll tell you. There are a few times in the movie where we see these cow skulls throughout the abandoned slaughterhouse. It’s easy to assume that this is just because it’s, well, a slaughterhouse, so there are bones everywhere. There was also a somewhat religious tone to why these women were being killed, with the torture guy somehow relating pain to sacrifice to transcending something blah blah blah, you get the idea. However, you start to realize that he is worshipping these skulls, as opposed to just some ambiguous religion. There’s a scene where Martin dreams of seeing a figure in the middle of a field who is wearing a cow skull on his head, almost appearing to be some kind of demon thing, or a guy dressed up to resemble a demon thing. There’s another scene where the old torture guy is having an argument with young Martin and we see the shadow of a figure approaching the pair, the old torture guy acknowledge’s the figures existence, and then it leaves. Unfortunately, this supernatural element is never explored more than those two mentions. Granted, I could be missing out on where that concept was going by not seeing the movie that chronologically takes place after this one, but I hear that movie sucks anyway. Also, having only two scenes of it is kind of annoying, and it really should have been three. Three is so much better than two! Had there been three, or possibly more, references to what the fuck that was, this movie would get a better rating.

 

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The Ward (2010) [REVIEW]

August 23, 2011 5 Comments

 

 

Would you believe that there was a movie that I was getting through Netflix that I was actually looking forward to? It’s John Carpenter and it’s about some sort of asylum or institution place, and I could have only assumed it was haunted. When it was playing in theaters, the closest place it was showing was about 40 minutes away, and there was no way I was driving that far for some bullshit, and was excited that this was out on home video. Before we go any further, I am going to warn you that I am going to spoil the end of this movie, and that it is a twist ending. The ending didn’t necessarily make the movie that much more enjoyable, but I didn’t really see it coming and thought it was interesting…kind of.

 

Just look at those shitty, shitty extensions. Apparently they didn’t have combs back in the 60′s.

 

Amber heard plays Kristen, who is apparently a girl who likes to set houses on fire, considering that is the first thing we see her doing. Because she did this, and also because they gave her horrible, disgusting extensions in this movie that looked like dreadlocks, she ends up in a mental institution. The movie takes place in 1966, so clearly the methods of treating mental “issues” were a little bit different back then. Kristen is in a ward with a few other young and attractive women with varying degrees of “issues”. Kristen gets the feeling that the doctors and other patients are hiding something because she keeps having visions of a ghost coming after her. While trying to escape the institution, Kristen also notices that other patients from her ward seem to be disappearing one by one, and the doctor she interacts with seems to be hiding something.

 

You leave that British guy from Mad Men alone!

 

After interrogating other patients, Kristen discovers that there was a girl who lived in that ward before Kristen who kept trying to escape, resulting in all of the girls being punished. The other patients decided to take matters into their own hands and killed this girl named “Alice” and it is their belief that her ghost has decided to come back and kill them, one by one. Well, they are right, because we see the ghost/zombie of Alice killing all the other girls. Eventually, Kristen is the only one left, and after successfully “killing” Alice by chopping her in the chest with an axe, which is strange because she was already a ghost, she wanders into her doctor’s office. It’s there that Kristen sees her own file, only to realize that none of the other patients were real. Apparently Alice is the real name of Kristen, and Kristen, along with all the other patients, were just different personalities that were built up as a defense mechanism. When Alice was a young girl, she was chained up and tormented for two months, causing her mental breakdown. After being institutionalized, her real personality, which was the ghost looking Alice, was destroying the multiple personalities so that eventually the only one left was Alice. After hearing this, Kristen turns around to see Alice, and the two crash out of a window, killing the final personality. Now that Alice was “cured” she was allowed to go home, but as soon as she packs her things and takes one last look in the mirror, we see Kristen come crashing out to attack, and then the credits roll.

 

See, now THIS is a mental institution I could get behind! Just a bunch of hotties with low standards dancing around. Consider me CRAZY.

 

Remember that movie “Identity” with John Cusack and Amanda Peet? And remember how halfway through the movie you learned that John Cusack and Amanda Peet were just personalities inside a big fat guy’s mind? This movie was clearly very similar to that movie, with one big difference. This one wasn’t shitty. The problem with Identity was that they told you halfway through the movie that none of the characters were real, so why should you care about anything that happens to anyone? The Ward was able to achieve a better result with a similar concept by making that surprising realization the conclusion as opposed to making the conclusion be about which personality survived. I was so convinced that Alice was a ghost that I got pissed when she was defeated by an axe. You can even ask Rampaige, she’ll back me up. She’ll also back me up on the shitty, disgusting extensions, which might not have annoyed me as much had Rampaige not constantly been talking about them. Man, how disgusting are extensions? Anyways, I was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed this movie, despite not reinventing the wheel. I also wondered whether or not it was important to have this movie take place in 1966, but then it became clear that electrotherapy was something that was somewhat acceptable, along with all the other ways these patients were treated. Was entertaining and kept my attention, but certainly not John Carpenter’s best.

 

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Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011) [REVIEW]

August 15, 2011 Leave a comment

 

I’m sure that you’re thinking exactly what I was thinking. Your thrilled that they finally made a sequel to the Tom Hanks movie where he gets stuck in an airport terminal. You were probably wondering why they used the word “quarantine” in the title, but probably figured it had something to do with Mr. Hanks sneezing in a comical manner, and how he probably would borrow a tissue from Catherine Zeta-Jones, and that’s how they would fall in love. Sadly, none of those things happen in this movie. Instead, it’s a sequel to the movie Quarantine, which itself was a remake of the Spanish film [REC]. There’s already a Spanish sequel to [REC], so why not give its American remake a sequel? Well, they did, and I watched it.

 

“I SAID I DIDN’T WANT ANY PEANUTS, YOU BITCH!”

 

I’m sure you all already know that the title of this movie is a clever play on the word “terminal”, which not only means an airport terminal but also refers to the severity of certain diseases. We follow two female flight attendants from their cab ride to the actual flight they are on when one of the passengers gets sick. His sickness gets intense and he starts trying to bite people and attack the cockpit. The pilots are instructed to land at the closest airport, and when the plane lands, a baggage handler gets on the plane to act all “WTF are you doing here” while the sick passenger gets locked in a bathroom. While the airport employee starts trying to bring the passengers to a terminal, they are only coming across locked door after locked door. It is communicated to everyone that they are now quarantined…in a terminal. I think that’s how the movie got its name. You can kind of fill in the gaps of what happens next, because it’s just one person getting picked off after another, all turning into these zombie-esque creatures biting one another. By the end of the movie, everyone on board is either dead or infected and going crazy, except for one little boy who was able to escape through a tunnel. When the camera pans out, we see that the plane has landed just outside of Las Vegas, which implies a sequel…that would take place…in Las Vegas. Hopefully it will be called “Quarantine 3: Snakes Eyes starring Gary Sinise”.

 

“I’m sorry sir, but this is too big for a carry on item, you’re going to have to check it at the gate.”

 

I thought the first Quarantine was decent enough, but mostly because I enjoyed the original [REC] so much, so I had relatively high hopes for this one. I figured it wasn’t going to be based on the Spanish sequel of [REC] and wanted to see where this one would go. It wasn’t nearly as good as either of the Spanish films, and wasn’t as good as the first film, but it did have its moments. One moment was when we learned that the disease was a modified form of rabies being cultured through rats, and there was a rat on the lose that at one point jumped onto the head of a man who was wheelchair bound because of Parkinson’s and then got bitten right on the fucking head. There was also a scene where we saw a character give himself an injection of a possible antidote right into his fucking eyeball. I’ve seen eyeball injections before, but I don’t think Rampaige has, so she was grossed the fuck out.

 

“Is it possible to have another flight attendant bring me my little pillow?” I DID IT! Three shitty flight airplane jokes in one post!

 

What was so enjoyable for me with [REC]2 was the justification of the disease, which was basically attributing the psycho freak disease to demons. Knowing that this film would go another direction, I could appreciate what they attempted, despite not being as entertaining. Earlier in the film, there is a doctor who speaks to the flight attendant about how many people are just assholes and humans in general are pretty shitty. Certainly a sentiment I can agree with, and he didn’t say these things in a creepy terrorist kind of way. We learn later in the movie that he was the one who created the disease, and the main justification for it was that he thought that humanity needed a new plague to wipe out a large chunk of the population. We also learned that it was his laboratory that was discovered at the end of the first film, as well as seeing footage of the events of the first film on the news, letting us know that the first film and the sequel were taking place at the same time. A clever little tie-in, yes, but I’m not sure how well the franchise will do when they inevitably make another direct-to-video sequel. I’ll spend my time watching the next two [REC] films instead, because part 3 is already done and production will be starting shortly on part 4.

 

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George A. Romero Presents: Deadtime Stories: Vol. 1 (2011) [REVIEW]

July 17, 2011 Leave a comment

 

ROMERO INVOLVED IN AN ANTHOLOGY?! SOLD! Imagine my surprise while browsing Netflix Instant to see that this movie was available. Even Rampaige wanted to watch it! I guess she would rather watch this than Mad Men. The difficult part about finding information on this movie is I can’t find any! If you go on IMDb, this movie is listed, as well as a Volume 2. The weird thing? Neither of those entries reflects what the stories in this film were. I also couldn’t find an official website. I’m pretty fucking confused, but this is what I’ve gathered. Romero must have already “presented” something called Deadtime Stories that didn’t get an official DVD release. He then produced another volume of shorts horror films. What I am reviewing, however, is an official DVD release, that may or may not have been released between 2009 and 2011. All that really matters is that this is a straight-to-video horror anthology that where Romero was the Executive Producer.

 

The candlelight really brings out your beard.

 

The anthology is hosted by Romero himself, dressed in whatever the fuck he normally wears. The first film he introduces is called “Valley of the Shadow” and has something to do with a team of scientists trying to find…something. What that thing is I can’t really remember, but I guess there are natives in this land that are protexting…whatever it is. Apparently this thing can grant eternal life, but when the natives end up catching the scientists, they put their heads on stakes, with the implications of them “living forever” by being a head on a stake…I think. The second film is called “Wet” and is about a beachcomber who finds a mysterious box on the beach. He finds a hand in the box, and attempts to sell the box at an antique store. The antiques dealer knows that this box held the remains of a mermaid and encourages the beachcomber to put the box were he found it. Ignoring his advice, the beachcomber unearths the remaining boxes, despite the warnings. In the night, the beachcomber is stalked by some unforeseen force, which ends up being a fucking mermaid! When she catches him, she chops off his legs and turns him into a merman, which gives her real live legs. The final story, directed by Tom Savini, is called “Housecall”, not to be confused with House Party. A mother suspects her son of being a vampire, because the son claims to be one, so an older, retired doctor comes to investigate. The two just sit and talk about the boy for most of it, and eventually the old doctor goes in to check on the boy. The mother hears violent sounds, and when she goes in, sees the doctor driving a stake through the boy’s heart, and when he turns around, the doctor is a vampire and he was apparently the one who bit the boy…I think? And then that’s it! Deadtime Stories is now over!

 

Just slap a seashell bikini on this bitch and you got yourself a Disney movie.

 

The first story sucked. I wish i could pinpoint exactly why it sucked, but I can’t, since there wasn’t one specific element that was more awful than the others. It was just kind of all bad, so deal with it. The second story was a lot more enjoyable, and I seemed to enjoy it more than most other reviews I read online. To me, it combined two things that I had already seen before and enjoyed. One the one hand, it was similar to the story “The Drop of Water” from Black Sabbath in the way that the main character had an item that they knew they shouldn’t have, but they took the risk of the repercussions because of their greed. It also reminded me of the movie Darkness Falls, which, other than the first five minutes, was fucking awful. However, in that opening scene, the filmmakers posed the question of if the tooth fairy was real and actually existed, but was an evil fucking ghost. Similar with the mermaid idea, that they are normally known as beautiful women, but some of the more ancient stories involve them being a bunch of bitches. I also enjoyed the special effects and makeup when it came to the mermaid itself. The last story wasn’t too bad, and despite the not so surprising twist ending, I was surprised that I could be so entertained just by watching two characters talk. They were talking about things like death and vampires, sure, but they were still just sitting there and talking. You also knew that there would be some sort of twist, whatever it might have been, and maybe I just didn’t think enough about it, but didn’t really see things turning out that way. I think this movie was better than Creepshow 3, which isn’t saying much, but still isn’t as good of an anthology as any other of Romero’s works. Do yourself a favor and skip that first short film because it sucks dicks.

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Mimic (1997) [REVIEW]

June 20, 2011 1 Comment

 

Holy shit, do people still make posters like this? Maybe it was just a mid-to-late 90′s thing to have all of your characters get in a line, light part of their face, then show something dark and scary in the background. Only the 90′s! Am I right?! I saw this movie once, at a friend’s house, on VHS, probably after school. Guess what? I DON’T FUCKING REMEMBER ANY OF IT. I mean, I remembered the fact that it was a movie that existed, and was cocky enough to give it two stars on Netflix, like I remembered it, but after watching it, I realize I was an idiot. Charles S. Dutton was in it? It was directed by Guillermo del Toro?! THERE ARE BUGS?! You can imagine my delight when I saw this shit on Netflix Instant, especially since Rampaige wasn’t home and I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble for watching it. I hope she doesn’t read this!

 

Lucky Mira Sorvino for getting cast in the sequel to Joe’s Apartment!

 

I guess there are a bunch of bugs that are causing kids in New York City to get sick, so Mira Sorvino, the sexy entomologist, creates a bug that will kill the disease bugs. The catch is that these bugs have a fast metabolism, but there’s also only one male capable of reproducing. Tricky girl! Years later, Sorvino stumbles across one of the bugs she created, only to realize it was a juvenile. Somehow these shits are reproducing! Sorvino grabs her husband and heads into the tunnels to figure out what the fuck has been going on. Along with Charles S. Dutton and Josh Brolin, everyone goes into the tunnels to figure out what the fuck is going on. When they finally find the bugs, they see that they are human-sized. Whoa that’s a lot bigger than they thought they could grow! Turns out that the quick turnaround in generational adaptations has resulted in these freak bugs getting huge. We get to hear Sorvino talk about how different types of bugs are known to imitate their predators, and when she points out that the predators of the freak bugs are human, we quickly and easily get the justification of why they’re so goddamned huge. Don’t forget their weakness though, which is the fact that one male is cumming in all these lady bugs (not REALLY ladybugs) so they go in search of the male. Along the way, Sorvino loses her husband but replaces him with finding the male bug, who she tosses under a moving train, killing him. Once back to the surface, Mira looks longingly into the subway and thinks she catches a glimpse of a human bug freak, only to see her husband ascend the staircase moments later. Did she really see that bug? Are there more of them out there? All we can hope for is a sequel that will tell us the answer!

 

Goddamn, that Guillermo del Toro fucking loves bugs, doesn’t he?

 

I’d like to point out that this movie, just like Deep Rising, is a B-Movie plot that just happened to get funding from a larger studio. I think we can credit Guillermo del Toro for the look of the creatures and the overall dark look of the movie, but unfortunately, he has completely disowned this film. Apparently the Weinsteins, who paid for this movie to get made, continually showed up on set and told Guillermo what he needed to do. I guess they forced him to make enough changes that he doesn’t want his name on it, which sucks, because there was a lot of potential shown in this movie. I think what was so creepy was something that I didn’t really include in the plot, which was that before the gang went down into the subway, we keep seeing this strange humanoid people wearing long trench coats. It can be assumed that these are creepy people, aliens, monsters, they could be virtually anything. Sure, once we realize how it’s kind of silly to think that they were bugs wearing human coats, we don’t see these characters anymore, so the mystery about them remains intact. I can’t really pinpoint why exactly, but I kept being reminded of the movie Dark City throughout watching this film. I think it was the darkly lit tone and the presence of mysterious trench coated characters that just gave you a sense of unease. Not to mention the fact that the original ending was a lot darker, which showed Mira Sorvino climbing out of the subway and into Grand Central Station, only to be confronted by hundreds of the humanoid bug creatures. I think that had Guillermo del Toro been allowed to do what he wanted, this film could have been a lot more memorable than it really it. It’s still much better than that Deep Rising bullshit.

 

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