Kill List (2011)

January 22, 2012 4 Comments

 

Look at me! I’m always on the cusp of movies that came out last year! That’s the cutting edge journalism you’ve come to expect from the Wolfman, isn’t it? This is another one of those movies from last year that a bunch of people liked, so I gave it a shot. Before I get too far into it, there are going to be a few plot details that are a little fuzzy because they had pretty thick accents. I know they were speaking english, which I should understand, but a lot of it sounded like mumbling in some other language. This isn’t the film’s fault or anything, I just need to get my hearing checked. And yet again, here’s another film where the ending and the twists are what made this movie so enjoyable, so my “spoiler free” review is to go see it, especially if you like the original “The Wicker Man”. Is it a spoiler to say that? I don’t think so, maybe it’s just because this movie features a screaming Christopher Lee (it doesn’t).

 

Are you sure it’s safe to wear that shirt AND that stick mask that close to an open flame?

 

Jay (Neil Maskell) and Shel (MyAnna Buring) wouldn’t necessarily be described as a “happy” couple, as our introduction to them is a big argument. There are financial problems because of Jay’s job, or possibly lack of job. That doesn’t stop them from inviting over their friend Gal (Michael Smiley) and a date over for dinner. It felt like the first half hour was just this married couple bickering and being uncomfortable, that is, until we see Gal’s date go into the bathroom and carve a strange symbol onto the back of a mirror. We learn the profession that Jay and Gal are involved in, which is the business of contract killing. They take a job to kill three people, but things get weird when the person who hires them cuts Jay’s hand wide open as some sort of blood contract. The first victim is a priest, who thanks Jay right before getting shot in the head. The next guy is referred to as a “librarian”, and when left alone with Jay, before getting killed, thanks Jay profusely and asks if other people knows who Jay is. Jay has no idea what these people are talking about!

 

MUCH SAFER!

 

Gal notices that jay is getting a little too carried away in this job, so they go to the person who hired them to try to back out of it. This plea is refused, and Jay and Gal go off to take care of their last kill, who is someone referred to as an “M.P.” Do you guys know what that means? I don’t. Before he leaves, Jay tells his wife to take their son to their secluded cottage for safety because Jay found pictures of him and killing the priest. Jay and Gall see where the M.P. lives and it’s a giant castle of a place. They wait outside and in the middle of the night see a bunch of people with torches and masks made out of sticks and some are in robes and others are naked, presumably a cult. When they’re spotted by the cult, they make a run for it, but the cult catches up to Gal and kills him. Jay makes it back to his family but then sees people with torches outside the cottage. He attempts to confront them, and the cult members encircle him, take his shirt off, and give him a knife. Also in the circle is a hunchback with a bigger knife, so Jay defends himself by stabbing the slow and awkward hunchback a shitload of times, right in the hunch. The masked figures start taking their masks off, and we see Gal’s date who put the symbol on the mirror, the guy who hired Jay and Gal, and when the hunchback is revealed, we see his wife laughing. She’s very much alive, but the hunch on her back was their child. Jay has a giant crown of sticks placed on his head, with all the cult members cheering him on, and as he looks around confused, the movie ends.

 

Those Brits are known for those dead-eyed stares into the middle distance. And The Beatles.

 

Those wacky Brits! I really enjoy the original Wicker Man, so of course I’m going to enjoy this movie. Just like with The Wicker Man, it’s a series of seemingly unrelated and confusing events, culminating with the reveal that everything was precisely planned out without the lead character’s awareness of anything. What exactly did the symbol mean? Why were Jay and Gal killing these people in the first place? How long had Jay’s wife been involved with whatever this cult was? Why did she want her son to be killed? Had any of these questions been answered, the movie wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable. I can admit that up until the symbol was carved on the mirror, I was considering shutting it off because there was so little going on. And sure enough, right when you can’t be more bored, something weird and mysterious happens and you can’t help but questions what the fuck is going on. It really wasn’t until the reveal at the end that I would consider this a horror movie, because it played out more like a typical “thriller” involving contract killers. Finding out how many seemingly normal people were involved in this crazy ass stick face cult is what pushed it over the edge into something horrific. Great performances by everyone involved, and I’m always a sucker for movies about cults and how shitty they are. The scenes of violence were pretty intense, including Jay repeatedly smashing a guy’s hand with a hammer, as well as that same guy’s head, causing his head to pop open like a spring-loaded easy access door to the brain. I think that had some of the plot points been tightened up a little bit and had the film as a whole been trimmed down ten minutes or so, this would have gotten a full moon. Oh yeah, and had I heard more about their chimney sweeping or whatever the fuck they were talking about a little better, it would have been more engaging.

 

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The Clinic (2010)

January 20, 2012 Leave a Comment

 

Did I mention how many “Best Horror Movies of 2011″ lists I’ve been reading? Quite a few. Which might also confuse you because you can clearly see that this movie was made in 2010. Take it easy! Even though it made its debut in 2010, it didn’t get a wider release until 2011, doi! Look at that poster! How can you not want to see this movie after seeing that poster? Despite having read enough about this movie to pique my interest, when Rampaige asked what it was about, I believe all I could muster was, “It’s about a clinic or something and I guess stuff happens there,” was enough for her to tolerate it. Five minutes into the movie you see a pregnant woman and Rampaige threatened to not watch it if something gross happened to the baby, which it did, but she stuck around anyway. Hahaha, sucker! And before I forget, there are going to be spoilers, and those spoilers make the film more enjoyable, so I recommend seeing it before reading the review.

 

Her hand originally said “NOT PENNY’S BABY” but then it conflicted with that popular TV show called “The People who went Missing on that Island”.

 

A pregnant woman (Tabrett Bethell) and her husband (Andy Whitefield) are driving through Australia in 1979 when they stop at the only motel they can find. When the husband goes out for food, he returns to find his wife missing. Wait, “found her missing” doesn’t make any sense, because if she was found, she wouldn’t be missing. Is that a George Carlin joke, anyone? Point is, we see her wake up (naked) in a bathtub full of ice and with a scar on her stomach. Her baby was removed! She’s in a large complex with a bunch of other women, all recently with their babies removed. Eventually this group finds a bunch of caged babies with colored tags on them which they learn match up with colored tags that have been sewn into each of these women. One woman starts killing all the others to find out what color her internal tag clearly isn’t, rather than cutting up her own guts. Clever girl! Unfortunately, the other girls don’t like this, so they are now not only confused by what the fuck is going on, but also have a crazy lady trying to kill them.

 

I guess this was the guy who played Spartacus who died and they had to find a new Spartacus. Now I know who he is, and now I’m sad! Well, not that sad.

 

While all of this is going on, the husband is dealing with the shady motel owner and crappy detective, but unfortunately is killed when a car he has stolen crashes into a tree. As the women are picked off one by one, we see that there are a few people who are monitoring this whole process through security cameras. Our lead character, whose name is Beth, by the way, is able to avoid death much more successfully than the other mothers, and is even able to kill the woman who has been killing everyone else. In short, Beth is the only one left and learns her tag was violet. When she goes to retrieve her baby, she is knocked up and wakes up chained to a floor as she sees a baby with a purple tag being held by a strange Russian couple. Apparently this whole thing is set up by a woman who makes expected mothers fight one another while a potential couple can observe how the mothers react, ensuring their baby comes from strong stock. The woman who runs the whole operation offers this less than legal service and has been doing so for years, assisted by her mentally disabled son. Part of the adoption is the parents are forced to kill the mom, but lucky for Beth, she was nice to the disabled son who barges in and shoots the adopting parents but is also shot in the head at the same time by the couple. Beth breaks free and confronts the woman in charge, only to learn that she was adopted out of this program as a baby and the people she thought were her parents were the ones who killed her birth mom. After killing the woman in charge, Beth visits the grave of her birth mom and sees a man walking away from the grave. She learns that this was her birth father, and the movie ends were her planning to meet him.

 

Fun fact I learned about Australian women thanks to this movie is that they get their periods in their stomachs.

 

Admittedly, I nodded off maybe two or three times during this movie. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy it! Especially considering that Rampaige was with me to fill in the gaps of what I had missed! I really enjoyed the way this film was shot, speaking from a stylistic perspective. Some might say I enjoyed its mise-en-scène, if we’re going to start whipping out terms we learned in college. I should point out that there was a title on the screen that let us know it took place in 1979 and it also said that it was a few years before DNA testing. It seemed arbitrary in the beginning to mention that but the twist at the end involving all these women being doctors or athletes explained why it was important we knew that. In this day and age of DNA testing, everyone would love to have a kid who was genetically predisposed to be an athlete capable or surviving a battle royale with a bunch of other qualified candidates, so that explains the whole reasoning behind it. Supposedly this movie is “based on true events” despite never claiming that in the credits, but rather is centered around a series of kidnappings? Or something? Makes sense, I guess, to claim that a series of kidnappings is some weird eugenics based thunderdome thing. I also thought it was funny that the guy who ran the hotel commented on Beth’s jugs, and I thought, “This girl’s pregnant, but if she wasn’t, that line means we are DEFINITELY seeing her jugs,” and then five minutes later she had her knockers out because she wasn’t pregnant anymore. Isn’t that convenient?! The direction they went with the plot was fun, and there were enough twists and turns that I wasn’t anticipated to make it unpredictable, but there were a few lulls in the action and had a few too many endings. Other than that, I recommend it! yay Australia!

 

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The Innkeepers (2011)

January 12, 2012 3 Comments

 

To say I had high hopes for this movie might be a little bit of an understatement. I am a huge fan of The House of the Devil and couldn’t wait to see how writer/director Ti West would top himself. According to IMDb, he “topped” himself by making Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. If any of you have seen that movie, I think you know that it was a piece of shit, and are wondering how Mr. West could have been involved in the making of it. Since its release, he has completely disowned anything pertaining to the movie, claiming it to be a product of the producers and executives rather than his vision. Phew! He maintains his track record! After searching and searching for a release date, I found out that The Innkeepers was going to get a limited release in February. Great news! What’s better news? It showed up on iTunes and VOD earlier than that! And I got to watch it! FUCK YES! Oh yeah, my spoiler-free review is “It’s good!” so you can go ahead and you should go watch it.

 

If you were Joe Pesci or Daniel Stern, you’d get hit in the face with a paint can for looking around like that.

 

As the Yankee Pedlar Inn celebrates some of its last weeks of being open, its amateur ghost hunting employees Claire (Sara Paxton) and Luke (Pat Healy) decide to spend the weekend there in hopes of finding good evidence. It’s obvious to see why this hotel is closing down, seeing as only a few guests are staying there, including a man who is spending the night in the room he spent his honeymoon in and a former actress, Leanne (Kelly McGillis), who is only in town to give a lecture about parapsychology. Unfortunately for Claire and Luke, they’ve never really had solid evidence of any of the supposed hauntings and while Claire is quite hopeful, Luke is a little more pessimistic. Lucky for Claire, as she goes about her standard hotel employee duties, she experiences a few strange events. Whether it be hearing piano music, banging sounds, or even waking up and seeing a ghost in her bed, she is met doubts from Luke. When she brings up these events with Leanne, she expects more naysaying, but is instead met with Leanne having “experiences” that justify these claims. Unfortunately for Claire, Leanne makes it a point to warn her to stop her investigating and to especially avoid the basement. Being told not to go into the basement makes Claire want to do nothing but that, so she brings Luke down and the two have a pretty intense experience. Leanne warns Claire to leave the hotel, but makes sure to tell the man celebrating the anniversary of his honeymoon they’re leaving, only to find him dead with a suicide note. A terrified Claire knows she needs to escape, and thinks she hear Leanne in the basement. Sadly, the only thing waiting down there is the ghost of the old man, as well as another ghost that Claire had been searching for, and without finding a way out of the basement, Claire dies of an asthma attack. When Luke asks Leanne why she didn’t warn Claire of her death, Leanne says that there are some things that can’t be avoided. As the final guests leave, we see the door of the room Claire was staying in slam shut.

 

Not to sure why Luke had that weird faux hawk thing, but I’m assuming it was to make him look less like Elvis Costello.

 

Having such a huge boner for some of Ti West’s previous works, I don’t want to go too overboard with all the reasons I enjoyed this movie. I wouldn’t say I necessarily loved the movie, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and might enjoy it even more with repeat viewings. One thing that West really has a talent for is the way he paces a movie. Some people (read: dickheads) might say his films are way too slow and these people lose interest or gets distracted. I would say the pace of his films are incredibly deliberate and help develop characters and tone of his films. Why do we need to see Luke and Claire bringing guests towels and throwing out the garbage? Because that’s what these characters do for their job, and the more you know about their jobs, the more you can understand their boredom and desire for something exciting to happen in their lives. It also helps establish that this hotel isn’t something like the Ovlerook Hotel from The Shining that just screamed “HEY HOTEL GUESTS, THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED AS SHIT!” The Yankee Pedlar Inn seemed like a relatively normal, crappy old hotel that had rooms or furniture that gave a lived-in feel to the whole place. Granted, I might be a little biased as to why I am not discouraged by slow films, considering some of my favorite films are Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, and John Carpenter’s “The Thing”, which I would categorize as relatively slow-paced movies. If anyone wants to argue that those movies are bad, then they can fuck right off.

 

Certainly nice of Carey Mulligan to drop by–wait, nope, that’s Sara Paxton. My mistake!

 

If the environment of your film isn’t what is used to convey the tone, then what does? The goddamn actors do, that’s who! Pat Healy was quite good in his portrayal of a college dropout who has bigger plans for what his life can become. He was likeable and was able to sympathize his position without feeling pity for him. His subtle ways of making the audience very aware of his unrequited feelings towards Claire were quite an achievement, even if Claire was oblivious to them, or intentionally ignored them. If Healy’s performance is considered “quite good”, then I’d have to say that Sara Paxton was great. She really is what sells this movie. She is giving out a similar vibe to what Luke was going through, except being 15 years younger than him, you got the sense that she was in a really important time in her life of trying to figure out what her life was. She was likeable, charming, quirky, and her enthusiasm and humor never came off as cliché or annoying. In other films, were the lead female to be startled, she’d probably be forced to let out a high-pitched scream, but when a ghost appeared in Claire’s bed, she let out a more comical “GAAAHHH!” and ran out of the room. It was great to see a horror movie with a strong female lead who is portrayed as an individual with their own quirks and idiosyncracies as opposed to only serving as an object capable of high-pitched noises with giant tits attached to it. It’s very rare for me to be genuinely sad to see a character die, especially when it was one who was so delightful to watch.

 

Keep crying and your makeup will run even more, you dumb bitch ghost.

 

One of my favorite things about Ti West’s films are the small moments of realism he brings into them to connect the audience with something that clearly cannot be real. For instance, while entering a coffee shop who has named all their drinks with wacky names, the camera pans across a drink named “The One-Eyed Cyclops”. My instant reaction was, “Wait, aren’t all Cyclopes one-eyed, by definition?” Immediately after thinking that, Claire asked the barista THE SAME EXACT QUESTION. She then asked for a soy mocha latte, which Rampaige claims can’t exist, but I’m still waiting for confirmation on that. There’s also a really fun moment where Claire has to throw out a garbage bag that clearly has some fluid sloshing around inside, but also has to open up the lid to the dumpster at the same time. I definitely chuckled at the situation as I have had my fair share of garbage-tossing experiences where having a second person would be the easiest method of doing things and the difficulties of finagling a gross trash bag into a dumpster. And even though the aspect of Claire having asthma was to justify her death later in the film, it was incorporated often enough that it didn’t seem like it was being forced down your throats and knew exactly where that plot point was going. The whole thing felt very real and natural.

 

I wonder if Kelly McGillis ever thought she’d be in a movie where she wouldn’t be as desirable as a girl in a blue sweatshirt.

 

Sounds like I really liked the movie, but why didn’t I love it? To be fair, the reasons might have been just because I didn’t pay close enough attention, and if anyone can point out the answers to these questions I’d highly appreciate it. One common theme seemed to be the different hotel rooms lacking towels. Leanne had to call down to the front desk to get towels, which Claire brought and sparked their introduction, and there’s a scene where Claire takes a shower and reaches for a towel and there aren’t any there. Maybe I paid too much attention to the towels and these were just coincidences, but I kept expecting some sort of towel-related reveal. Another thing that felt unresolved was the man who killed himself after writing a letter to his wife. Was this guy connected to the woman they expected to be haunting the hotel? I can’t think of another reason for him to appear so quickly as a ghost if there wasn’t a connection, but I also thought this guy was too young to have had a connection to the woman. Again, maybe I just wasn’t attentive enough to get my timeline right, but I also didn’t get to see enough of the letter he wrote to fill in those gaps. Lastly, I did enjoy the idea that was implied about Claire’s character haunting the hotel, considering how excited she was about the concept of life after death, but that doesn’t change the fact that the hotel is closing and will soon be a parking lot. It’s not quite like The Shining where we knew Jack Nicholson’s character would sort of became part of the hotel and would be there forever, so not only is she dead, but her hauntings are going to be short-lived.

 

Remind me to invest in stock of blue sweatshirts before this movie comes out. Sara Paxton does for blue sweatshirt what Steve Jobs did for turtlenecks. No, what Archer did for turtlenecks. No, what Archer did for iPads!

 

Whoa boy, this is a long one, isn’t it? That’s what she said! It’s nice to see that someone can take a character-focused horror movie that doesn’t rely on cheap scares or “clever” twists. West has his own style and sense of authenticity that he’s able to breathe into each project he takes on. Despite this movie has its imperfections, it was pretty hard to live up to how much I enjoy The House of the Devil. I like to think that this movie will just add another solid hit to Ti West’s belt and maybe give him some momentum to get a larger studio film. Not saying that he can’t accomplish a lot with a smaller budget, I’d just like to see what he could do with an “almost” limitless budget. If he can breathe some life into the current state of mainstream horror, then he’d probably have the door opened for him to be able to do pretty much anything he wanted. Wait, fuck all that stuff I was just saying. I hope that this film adds to Ti West’s, Pat Healy’s, and Sara Paxton’s credentials so they can all go places. Good luck, everybody!

 

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Little Deaths (2011)

January 5, 2012 4 Comments

 

Not all that long ago I made a joke where I said something about “man-thology”. What that meant, I really had no idea. In retrospect, I missed a good opportunity to say something far more relevant like “Wolfman-thology”, or even, “More live The Wolfman-thology Cometh, am I right?!” It sucks that I fucked that stuff up so badly, because here I am watching another anthology. The “Little” of the title refers to short films, and the “Deaths” refers to, well I’m sure you already know. In addition to being a horror anthology with the unifying theme being death, I also read that sex was going to be another common theme. If sex and death go hand in hand for each segment of this movie, I knew I was in for a good time. Correction, not a good time, a terrible time, because sex and death don’t normally go together. Well, if you’re some kind of goth they go together, but I’m a few fishnet gauntlets away from being a true goth. What the fuck am I talking about? Who cares, here’s the review.

 

I’ve fallen asleep at dinner many a time. Wait a second, have I been getting drugged and raped a lot?

 

The first story, entitled “House & Home”, follows a yuppy couple (Luke de Lacey and Siubhan Harrison) who are clearly unsatisfied with each other sexually. We hear them discussing some sort of plans of another person they are planning on meeting, only to realize this third individual is a homeless woman (Holly Lucas) that they are able to drug and hold captive. We see this woman being raped by the man, who cums on her face and then pisses in her mouth. When it’s his wife’s turn, he goes to take a shower. He hears screaming as he exists the shower and sees the homeless woman, no longer bound or gagged, straddling his wife. The homeless woman is now a demon who chases him into the street, but is caught by more homeless demons. The story ends with this husband being bound to a wall and the homeless demons mention keeping him alive for a few weeks so they can prolong the torture. As far as what this segment was going for, I’m unclear, other than it was a fun twist for the viewer. Rather than in something like I Spit On Your Grave, where the raped female uses her wits to get payback, these demons just completely destroy this guy’s life. Maybe a little bit more rewarding of a revenge than other films, which he completely deserved, because the scene with the cumming and the pissing was pretty darned gross!

 

Maybe “goth” isn’t the right term, as this might be considered more “industrial”, but that’s such a joke of a genre of music that I can’t think of a single band that makes that shit for a joke here.

 

The next segment, entitled “Mutant Tools”, gets even more bizarre and follows to groups of characters. One group is a couple, with the woman (Jodie Jameson) dealing drugs and the man (Daniel Brocklebank) providing a doctor (Brendan Gregory) with a mysterious organ that kills people for. The other group is an older employee (Christopher Fairbank) training a new employee (Jason Maza) in the ways of keeping someone, who has a giant monster-sized cock, by the way, so that all the sperm in this thing’s body drains into a bucket. That sperm is used to create a hallucinogen that the very same doctor uses to make medicine, and apparently the organs he gets from the other guy is what he feeds to the monster-cocked person who is being held captive. This doctor starts prescribing the woman from the couple the drug, which makes her hallucinate and eventually grow a monster cock of her own. The boyfriend is killed, his organs fed to her, and now she is the sperm donator. This one was a little more perverse/bizarre, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I did wish there was a little bit more of an explanation as to how that cock got so monster-sized and how it made her grow one. I’m talking three feet long, which was mostly just shown swaying in the goddamn breeze like tire swing at your grandmother’s house. The employee who was training the other one mentioned something about Nazis being the first to discover this activity, and the doctor is seen looking over documents with swastikas on them, but that’s it. This segment felt like you watched a director’s cut of a Nine Inch Nails video, if it had spermed its monster cock onto a Marilyn Manson video. I think this review might set my own personal best for the use of the term “monster cock”. Monster cock.

 

What kind of a weirdo just has animal masks laying around?! Heh…heh……

 

The last segment, entitled “Bitch”, followed another unhappy couple. While at a club, the boyfriend (Tom Sawyer) mentions wanting to go home, but the girlfriend (Kate Braithwaite) mentions she has been invited to go out with the band who was playing. When the boyfriend gets home, he remains grumpy, so he strips off his clothes, puts on a dog mask, and starts pissing on a pile of her clothes. When she gets home the next morning, she’s upset by this, so wakes him up and gets him out of the doghouse he sleeps in, rubs his face in it, and then fucks his butt with a strap-on dildo. That’ll teach him! Clearly this couple has a routine of the woman publicly demeaning/humiliating him, and in their private lives he acts like a dog, which seems to make them both content. In one scene we see the couple on a walk and pass by a group of dogs which causes the girlfriend to start freaking out and crying hysterically. I got the sense that she had some dog-related trauma in her life, because that’s how intuitive I am. The humiliation continues when the girlfriend tries to start a threesome with her boyfriend’s best “mate”, because they’re all British, but the boyfriend refrains. He gets naked and crawls into the room wearing his dog mask and she barely notices him. This can be considered his snap back to reality, as he then destroys the mask and doghouse, causing his girlfriend to freak out. As if rejecting his role as the dog isn’t enough, he starts collecting dogs on his own in a different building. The boyfriend eventually tries to “make up” with his girlfriend, she accepts, and allows him to handcuff her naked to their bed. That’s when he gets some hot beef stew, pours it all over the butthole and vagina area, then releases the dogs into their bedroom. He walks out of her apartment, and presumably her life, while listening to her screams. This was a much longer segment than the other two, and was clearly more grounded in reality. The writing and acting were good, and this couple really felt genuine. Even though there might not be a couple exactly like this out in the real world, it’s not too far a leap to make to picturing these people as your neighbors. The ending is what really unsettled me about this movie. Despite the girlfriend putting her boyfriend through psychological abuse as opposed to physical, the “revenge” still seemed a little too intense. Granted, it is never implied that anything violent happens to the girlfriend because of the dogs, it really had me conflicted. On the one hand, I thought it was a really satisfying revenge, but then I remember that the boyfriend was allowing this to happen to himself and he could have left at any time. Yeah, that’s going to be my final thought on the matter so I can at least have made a decision. The retribution was unjustified because he put himself in that abusive relationship, as opposed to the way revenge was handled in the first segment. Got it, moving on.

 

No comment.

 

I mentioned earlier that the theme of this movie was sex and death, and I really think these segments went together quite well within that theme. Each segment was filthy, grimy, perverse, and just plain weird. Does this mean I “liked” the movie? Well, I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say it was an enjoyable experience. In fact, I’d say it was an unpleasant experience. Does that mean it’s getting a bad rating? No, not at all. Just because I didn’t enjoy myself doesn’t mean that the filmmakers didn’t succeed with their intentions. Each segment was the appropriate length, giving enough information to feel satisfied but ending before all questions were answered. All segments stuck with their theme, and even if you prefer one segment to another, they all featured decent acting, directing, and special effects. I felt uncomfortable watching it and think that you, as a reader, should be nervous of anyone who tells you this is their favorite film. Similar to how I felt after watching A Serbian Film, this movie really made you rethink the way that sex is portrayed in films as well as in our culture. Despite the warnings of the sex and death, I’m sure people will seek this out just in hopes of seeing some boobs. Sure, you seem boobs, but you feel pretty fucking disgusting after everything else you see that it almost makes you never want to look at boobs again……………….almost.

 

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Red State (2011)

December 20, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

Remember how a few reviews back I had mentioned Attack the Block and how I had a limited time frame when it came to watching it? Yeah, well, same goes for this movie. I had heard mixed reviews about Kevin Smith and his foray into a genre that was quite different from what gained him notoriety. I don’t want to say he delved into the “horror” genre, because when I first heard about this movie and the genre he claimed it fell under, he seemed to avoid lumping into the “horror” category. I’m not sure if this was to avoid people setting expectations at what the film would be early on, or maybe it was because he was nervous for claiming he made a horror movie, but either way, his publicity for this film seemed to change. This means the way I perceived the film changed as well, now that he had been calling it a “nasty-ass $4mil horror flick”. I have been putting this off and putting this off, but when I had seen his reactions on Twitter over the lack of nominations it had received with the Independent Spirit Awards, I wanted to see for myself if this tantrum was warranted or not. SO HERE WE FUCKING GO.

 

Wait a second, you’re trying to tell me that Kevin Smith put his wife in a movie? YA DON’T SAY!

 

As Travis (played by Michael Angarano, better known as the little kid from Almost Famous) is driven to school by his mom (played by Anna Gunn, better known as Skylar from Breaking Bad), they pass by a funeral being protested by members of an extreme religious sect known as the “Five Points Church”, which is led by Abin Cooper (played by Michael Parks, better known as that guy Quentin Tarantino loves to put in movies). When Travis meets up with his friends, Jarod (played by Kyle Gallner, better known as the kind of creepy kid from a shitload of movies but I remember from Veronica Mars) lets them know there is a woman he met online who promised to do all of them. Thinking this sounded like a great idea, the friends go to meet Sara (played by Melissa Leo, better known as the crazy mom in The Fighter), who end up drugging them and taking them hostage. When they come to, they realize they have been taken captive by Abin and the Five Points Church, and see someone attached to a cross get executed. Unfortunately for the church, these shenanigans don’t go on for too long before being discovered by the local police department, at which time the ATF is called in to take care of the situation.

 

A church based on high-fives? I’M IN. WHERE DO I SIGN UP AND WHO DO I MURDER?

 

The main ATF agent in charge of the raid is Keenan (played by John Goodman, better known as King Ralph) whose orders are to raid the complex and kill every witness. Having difficulties carrying out these orders, there’s a standoff between the agents and the church, that leaves deaths on both sides. Uncertain of which side will win, both sides are surprised at the sound of loud trumpet blasts, which the Five Points Church seems to interpret as God coming to kill all the bad guys. Having no fear of their salvation, they drop their guns and walk out of the complex to confront the ATF agents, and we then cut to see Keenan being interrogated by his superiors. Apparently the sounds that everyone was hearing were created by neighbors of the church who were playing a prank on the church, completely oblivious to the standoff. Rather than all the members of the church being killed, the important members are thrown in jail, where it is implied that their butts will be fucked repeatedly, which is probably something they won’t enjoy.

 

If you fuck up his cocoon, how do you expect him to turn into a butterfly?

 

After watching the movie, I completely understand why Kevin Smith was hesitant at first when calling it a horror movie. This film all too closely holds a mirror up to the state of this country and its religious fanatics that to call it a “horror movie” implies that everything in it is a work of fiction. Whether a horror movie is based on “true events” or claims to be “found footage”, we know it’s all fake and dramatized just to make us jump or get creeped out. Instead, it seems as though Red State is a far more subtle and subdued type of fear, because of how true to life it is. To anyone familiar with the terrible things that the Westboro Baptist Church has done and is capable of, tone it down just a tiny bit, and that’s how the Five Points Church is portrayed. never once do they act crazy or maniacal, because they are constantly portrayed as calm, rational people who actually think what they’re doing is right. I’m sure that a more appropriate genre could even be “drama”, but I can see how that would cause some controversies as well. And maybe it’s just because I watched the Bill Hicks documentary recently, but there also seemed to be quite a few similarities between Red State and the situation that happened in Waco, TX in the early 90′s. A guy was in a complex with a bunch of other people, doing things that the government didn’t want them to do, so the government just killed everyone.

 

This isn’t actually from Red State. This was the face John Goodman made when someone called him up to tell him what happened in the series finale of Roseanne.

 

Smith is known for his witty, clever, and oftentimes filthy dialogue, and don’t worry, you get plenty of that in this movie as well. Not to say at all that this movie is a comedy, but all of the humor in it is quite smart. I guess that’s kind of a strange thing about all of Smith’s movies, in that no matter how “dumb” a character is supposed to be, they still have some smart humor to them, almost making it seem like the Kevin Smith universe is something that’s…askew. Yes, you might say that there is something askew about his view…get it? Because his company is called View Askew? Oh man, that was great. Anyways, his dialogue is what made him famous, and it was nice to see his visual experiments with this film, being new to the genre and not really needing to adhere to his comedic style. For example, one shot/concept I was really impressed with was that one character was attached to a cross through the use of plastic wrap, and his head was ultimately covered as well. Once it was wrapped, a different character shot him in the head, and the plastic wrap caught all of the blood. To see the faceless head of this character slowly fill with blood was pretty cool, and was a relatively simple idea that didn’t rely on gore or special effects to be creepy.

 

I’d let this man do my taxes, Rapture or no Rapture.

 

So was Kevin Smith justified for going on Twitter and calling the Film Independent an “idiotic organization” for not nominating Melissa Leo, John Goodman, or Michael Parks? No, I can’t say that they deserve those nominations. This isn’t because I’m biased as to who was nominated, because I don’t even fucking know who else was nominated. Don’t get me wrong, Melissa Leo, John Goodman, and Michael Parks were all quite good in this film, in particular was Parks as the terrifying preacher. I think the reason I don’t think they necessarily deserve to be nominated is because their performances were too grounded in reality and were all too human, making it hard to stand out. Does that even make sense what I just said? I guess what I mean is that it didn’t seem that either of the three needed to work too hard to successfully portray their characters. Firstly, Melissa Leo didn’t really have enough screen time, in my opinion, to warrant a nomination. John Goodman played a government agent who didn’t want to kill an entire house full of people just because he was ordered to. I have a feeling that I would react the same exact way as his character would, so it seemed as though John Goodman was just playing himself and how any other human would react, but while wearing an ATF costume. And again, Michael Parks was good, but not mind-blowing, but this goes back to the idea that this film was all too real to be considered all that much of a stretch for any of the actors, and that these were watered-down performances of what the real members of the Westboro Baptist Church are capable of actually living. I didn’t want to give this movie too good of a review because my immediate feelings were underwhelmed and combined with the upset comments on Smith made on Twitter, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was being a baby. This movie might not give you nightmares, it might not make you fear a boogeyman, but this movie is hopefully a wake-up call to people who put too much faith in anything. Whether it be whatever God you worship, your government, or the girl who offers to fuck you and your friends after talking to her on the internet. If you think this movie is creepy, just keep in mind that this is a toned down version of the world we live in, we’re all fucked, are going to die, the government is lying to us, and there is no God. Sorry!

 

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Attack the Block (2011)

December 12, 2011 2 Comments

 

I only had a small chunk of time to watch this movie, and unfortunately, I think I missed it completely. What the fuck am I talking about? Well, hold on a second and I’ll tell you, you asshole. What I meant to say was that I heard about this movie back in the spring, the fact that it was produced by Edgar Wright, was sci-fi action horror comedy, and that it was getting good reviews. From there, I determined this would be a film I would like to see. I tried to track it down in a few ways, and kept hearing more and more positive things, until it was eventually released in a theater nearby. I watched the trailer and wasn’t too impressed, but I had heard so many good things, I figured I’d give it a shot. A combination of circumstances prevented me from catching the theatrical release, and I just kept hearing more and more about how good it was. Not wanting my opinion to be biased by all the positive hype it was getting, I tried to ignore it completely. When it was finally released on Blu-ray, it was a long wait on Netflix, but clearly it got to me eventually. As much as I wished I could view it on its own, oblivious to all other people’s opinions, I think I needed to wait a few more years to judge it on its own merit.

 

That guy in front is named “Moses”, and despite the religious implications, he is still a street thug who mugs people and deals drugs. So very, very likable.

 

I think that in the UK teenage punks who commit petty crimes are referred to as “hoods”. If anyone can confirm that, I would appreciate it, but even if they aren’t referred to as that in the UK, I’m going to refer to them as “hoods” in this review. Anyways, the film opens with a group of hoods mugging a woman, only to be interrupted by a car being hit by something falling from the sky. When the hoods investigate what it is, it turns out to be some creature that kind of looks like Mousers from the Ninja Turtles, except covered in fur and with bigger teeth. They bring the dead creature to their drug dealer, who it is assumed is who these hoods answer to. In the meantime, more and more of these impacts from the sky are noticed by people through the neighborhood, causing a little bit of worry amongst this gang. More and more aliens are on the loose, and these are bigger. For this group of hoods, it seems almost like the aliens are targeting them, which might just be because their neighborhood (or “block”, for the purposes of this film) is the only place they’re concerned with. It’s when these hoods go into a room with a shit ton of weed is being grown thanks to giant UV lamps that it is reveled that one of the hoods is covered in something, presumably something he got covered with while killing the first creature. When this hood realizes he’s the one that caused of all this to happen, he takes it upon himself to give detailed instructions on how to create an explosion, using himself as bait, to much success. When all the creatures are dead, the police take him away because he is still wanted for being a little asshole thief drug dealer.

 

This reminds me of the place where I used to play lazer tag. You saw all the shit in someone’s teeth and all the sperm on their clothes. Or you could see the shit on someone’s clothes and the sperm in their teeth.

 

Stupid goddamn hype machine! I went into this movie thinking it would be the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen, so obviously I was upset over the fact that no, it was NOT the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen. Do you remember way back up at the top where I said that I thought this was going to be a sci-fi action horror comedy? Well, it was some of that, but not quite all of it. It was definitely a sci-fi action movie, but to say it fits it should ever be categorized as “horror” or “comedy” wouldn’t be correct. Of course, there are quite a few comedic elements, but aren’t there a lot of action movies with comedic moments? Same thing with the horror aspect, that it wasn’t too scary as you were waiting for the creatures to attack, but there were a few thrills and a few gruesome shots. Regardless of all this genre talk, I think that thing that prevented me from enjoying this movie too much was that I didn’t like any of the characters. I’m sure some people will argue that my summary of what happens is a little too simplified, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. It’s a group of punk kids who think they are badass for mugging a woman, and I’m supposed to give a shit that when THEY kill an alien, the aliens fight back? Or that the woman they originally mugged gets involved with the hoods and they say things like “If we had known you lived here, we wouldn’t have mugged you,” like it makes up for anything? No, they were little punks and sure, they saved some people’s lives by the end of the movie, but I’m not mad that the cops took them away at the end.

 

A little bit furry, a little bit Mouser, and a little bit of a Langolier. Yeah, that’s right, starring Balki from “Perfect Strangers” kind of Langoliers.

 

Once I overcame the fact that I didn’t really like any of the characters, except for the one played by Nick Frost, and got over the fact that this was neither all that horrific or all that comedic, I started to enjoy it a lot more. I think what I enjoyed most about this movie was just the overall visual style that director Joe Cornish used. One thing of note was the creatures themselves, which despite my comedic description, were actually pretty fear-inducing. This is mostly credited to their teeth, which seemed to glow a weird neon turquoise, and those teeth were just fucking giant. Even though the creatures themselves were a very dark black or were hiding in the dark, seeing nothing of them other than giant fucking glowing teeth was pretty cool. Cornish also able to use an in-plot device to get some pretty cool shots. I can’t quite remember why everyone was shooting fireworks throughout the whole movie, but they were, which meant that some of the hoods had plenty of fireworks that they used to startle the aliens. This led to some pretty cool shots involved fireworks and the smoke created by those fireworks, and you can imagine that combining some smoke with glowing teeth got some pretty cool shots. If you’re looking for horror comedy, try something like Evil Dead. If you’re looking for a fun, original sci-fi adventure where you might not like all of the characters but will tolerate them because of some comedic moments, then check out Attack the Block.

 

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The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

October 25, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

I know that I mentioned this movie a few months ago when talking about movies that remind me of summer, so why the fuck am I watching it now? Well, as you may remember, I reviewed House of 1000 Corpses recently, which is tolerable, but this movie is so much fucking better than that one, I felt the need to wash the taste of it out of my mouth. And considering I have reviewed the other three movies that Rob Zombie has done, generally saying they aren’t good, I figured he deserved some recognition with what he accomplished on this film. I guess I am just missing the reason why all of the nu-metal kids eat up everything he does like it’s gold, especially considering White Zombie hasn’t been popular for at least a decade. Maybe his stuff is just always on sale at Hot Topic or something? Or maybe Rob Zombie is the new Tim Burton? I am so out of touch with youth culture!

 

Captain Spaulding is just as scary without the make up as he is when it’s on.

 

When the home of the psycho freaks from the first film is raided by the police, Otis (Bill Moseley) and Baby (Sherri Moon Zombie) are the only ones to escape, while their mother, now played by Leslie Easterbrook, is taken into police custody. Otis and Babycontact their father, Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig), to meet them, and while waiting, the two of them terrorize, torment, and ultimately kill a family in a hotel room. With Mama Firefly in custody, we learn that the officer in charge of interrogating her, played by William Forsythe, has a personaly vendetta against the family for killing his brother. He kills Mama Firefly furing the interrogation, and sets two bounty hunters loose of Otis, Baby, and Captain Spaulding. Once our murderers leave their motel, they seek refuge with an old friend, played by Ken Foree, who offers them salvation at his whore house. Unfortunately, this whore house is still within the reach of the bounty hunters, who apprehend these “Devil’s Rejects” and turns them into Forsythe. He then proceeds to torture them on behalf of all of their victims, leaving them for dead after setting their house on fire. Their behemoth of a brother who was able to avoid the initial police raid kills Forsythe, as well as frees Otis, Baby and Spaulding. As they hit the highway, things seem like they are going to work out, until they run into a police blockade. Realizing their fate, they charge into the blockade, guns blazing, as they are finally killed.

 

Ken Foree has an awesome line about horny robots bumping into each other and knocking shit over…it was pretty awesome.

 

I know I might have talked a little bit of shit on Zombie’s first movie, but I am so glad that his previous movie exists, because it’s what made Devil’ Rejects possible. It’s almost like Zombie went back, cut out everything about the first movie that didn’t work, took everything that was awesome about it, and doubled it. They took the most entertaining characters from the first movie and made the entire film about them. The characters that were added, like Ken Foree and William Forsythe, only heightened the whole movie and were a lot of fun to watch. They were able to flip back and forth between terrifying psychopaths and then say something clever and they became endearing again. Bill Moseley had all of the terror from the first film, but juxtaposed with his “comedic” moments were what made the terrifying times all that scarier. Sid Haig was just as vulgar and disgusting as he was in the first movie, but this time we got more of him. Sherri Moon Zombie really made the character of “Baby” all her own, in that there is something almost innocent and endearing about her, as if she is a five year old in a grown woman’s body, but then switch right back into an annoying, irritating psychopath. The cast is really what makes this film stand out.

 

NO, BRIAN POSEHN! NOOOO!!!!!!

 

Rob Zombie’s music video style of filmmaking really peaked with this film as his combinations of music and visuals were done quite well. There are moments in the previous film and in his Halloween films where you can tell he just always wanted to use a specific song in a movie, but it never really felt forced in this movie. His use of the soundtrack really makes this movie feel like an authentic 1970′s splatter film with a lot more of a polished style and feel to it. And having the film end with hearing Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Freebird” almost to completion was a great way to end these characters for good. One thing about the movie that I don’t necessarily like is the fact that it feels like two short films, as opposed to one long one. When I watch all the stuff going on in the motel, which feels like almost the entire movie, I forgot what happened at the end. Or when we get to the second half and they are with Ken Foree, you completely forget how long we spent watching them physical and mentally torture people. This is what he did in his Halloween remake also, and it just feels weird and long (that’s what she said). If there was a smoother transition between the two parts of the film or maybe each segment was shortened a little bit, Mr. Zombie would have gotten my highest rating. Considering the ratings of the rest of his movies, this is still quite good, but the acclaim really belongs to the cast.

 

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Monster House (2006)

October 24, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

Back when I was a projectionist, the trailer for this movie annoyed the FUCK out of me. It started with that little girl singing, and I always had to listen to the very beginning of trailers to make sure everything sounded right. Because of that annoyance, I had a negative opinion of this movie. That all changed the moment I saw this photo:

In case you don’t know what this is a picture of, these are my friends Lazer and Steve-O Beevo. The story behind this picture is that, considering I was working at a movie theater and would get movie shirts to wear. The box was kept in the projection booth, so I had easy access to all of this cool swag. Lazer had mentioned how much Beevo enjoyed this movie, and I’m sure you can figure out where this story is going. I sent the shirts, with the only stipulation being I had to get a picture of these two wearing these XL sized shirts. Based on Beevo’s great taste, I had no other choice but to watch this movie. This movie taught me an important lesson: ALWAYS TRUST STEVE-O BEEVO.

 

A bunch of fucking perverts if you ask me.

 

There’s always that one creepy house that all the kids in the neighborhood is afraid of, and in this cartoon, that’s no different. DJ, voiced by Mitchel Musso, has noticed the crazy old man who lives in the creepy house across the street. Through some surveillance, DJ discovers that it’s not only toys that disappear from this creepy house, but also kids. With his best friend Chowder, voiced by Sam Werner, the two set off to figure out what’s going on. While exploring, they startle the old man who lives there, voiced by Steve Buscemi, and when he confronts the kids, he has a heart attack and seemingly dies. This might seem scary, but this affords the kids an opportunity to go inside. Through the help of some of the teenagers in the area and hearing their stories, as well as their new-found love interest Jenny, voiced by Spencer Locke, they are finally able to infiltrate the house successfully. They find that it’s almost as if the house is alive, which means there’s a way to kill it. The further they explore, they eventually find a large woman who is seemingly cased in concrete. At this time, the old man who lived there shows up, because he’s not dead, and tells the story of the house. Turns out that he used to live there with his very obese wife, and while building the house, she accidentally became encased in concrete. Her spirit is what caused the house to attack passersby because of her wrongful death, and it’s been the old man yelling at everyone in hopes of protecting them. He can’t leave the house, because it’s the embodiment of his wife, and he loves the house. Eventually, the house realizes the kids are trying to destroy it, which leads to the house uprooting itself and chases them to a construction yard. Luckily, DJ is able to blow the house up with dynamite, which frees all of the neighborhood kids of their fear, and the old man of his responsibilities as he gives back all the toys that the house confiscated. DJ and Chowder then have enough time to go trick or treating, because after all, it’s Halloween!

 

HAHAHA THE BABYSITTER’S BOYFRIEND DRESSES LIKE ME!

 

If you hadn’t seen this movie before, would you automatically think, based on the description, that it was a cartoon? And the weird thing is, the filmmakers had to make changes to ALLOW it to be PG. If they had kept the film the way they intended, it wouldn’t have even gotten a PG rating. The film had to include a sequence of the characters who had been “eaten” by the house emerging from the house alive and well to make the cut. There are plenty of segments that are intense and way too scary for kids, and considering that this movie doesn’t really dumb things down for kids is what makes it so much fun. Sure, there is physical comedy in it that’s silly and there’s a scene where Jenny points at an object and says it’s the house’s uvula, causing Chowder to respond with “Ohhhh…so it’s a GIRL house”, which is still pretty mature weiner/vagina humor for the intended audience. I think one of the cooler things about this movie was something I didn’t learn until watching the special features. This movie was filmed with actors wearing motion capture suits, and those motions were then animated with the character designs later on. Not really that new of technology, and plenty of movies before this had used it. The cool thing about this one was that after every scene was animated, the filmmakers had a device that acted as a handheld camera, which would then allow them to move the camera around in different ways for each different scene. Did that make sense? They would create a 3D environment using the motion-capture technology, cover everything in the character and object’s “skin”, and they could treat each scene as an actual environment that someone could move around in with a handheld camera, as opposed to things always being on tripods. I might not be making sense in my description, and I don’t care, because the results show fluid animation with an added touch of “realism” that gave you an animated movie that didn’t feel animated. I definitely recommend anybody to check this out, as it’s definitely one of my favorite Halloween movies that is supposedly for kids.

 

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The Blair Witch Project (1999)

October 23, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

 

The summer this movie came out was a big one for me. I saw Shannon Elizabeth’s boobs in American Pie, I saw this movie…I guess those were the highlights. I went to see this with some friends of mine, escorted by my mom since it was rated R, and later that night we slept outside. My friends and I, not my mom. She was probably inside. We slept on a trampoline and boy oh boy, let me tell YOU how fucking uncomfortable it is to sleep on a trampoline. At least I get to look back on the experience and say how I was so brave that I slept outside that night. Remember how many people thought this movie was real? And the internet was becoming a “thing” so there were websites promoting this as real? I guess that’s a pretty cool way to market a movie, except for the fact that every goddamned movie that comes out now makes the same claims. Remember how easy it was for Ruggero Deodato to convince people that the stars of his movie, Cannibal Holocaust, were dead and then they had to show up in course to prove they were alive? Man, that was crazy! You can’t do that shit now with this whole “internet” thing!

 

Luckily, from now until the end of time, we will get to see this shot parodied in anything that parodies anything ever, and it will never be funny ever.

 

The film starts with the premise that the following film we would see was recovered a year after three individuals went missing in the woods of Maryland. The reason they were in the woods was that Heather Donahue, Josh Leonard, and Mike Williams are exploring the legend of the “Blair Witch”. We see the local residents of the town telling stories involving some Blair Witch lady, as well as the stories of a man who was supposedly under this witch’s influence who murdered seven children. Supposedly he would take two into his basement, make one face the corner, then kill the other. After their interviews with the residents are done, they head off into the woods with cameras, maps, and a vague idea of where to go. The trio get a little lost, and claim to have heard things on their first night camping out. While exploring deeper into the woods, they start seeing strange figures made out of sticks, as well as strange piles of rocks. They camp out again, and the strange noises seem more persistent. The paranoia and confusion of being lost, without knowing where to go, starts making them irritable and delirious. The noises persist at night, more violent and loud, and one morning, Heather and Mike wake up to find Josh missing. They continue to explore, both looking for him and looking for a way out. That night, they think they hear Josh screaming, and wake up to see a bundle of sticks, wrapped in a piece of his shirt, with some bloody teeth and other bodily items in it. Continuing to find their way out, that night they think they hear Josh screaming and pursue the sounds, only to find a house. This is the house that the seven children were murdered in, and when Mike disappear into the basement, Heather finds him, only to see him standing and facing the corner. The camera is hit violently, falls to the ground, and the movie ends.

 

They couldn’t even afford a pot to piss in with this budget! So he pees in the corner like an idiot.

 

Although “found footage” movies are relatively interchangeable these days, this film really did set the standard of this time of movie-making. It creeped me out the first time I saw it, and that last image of Mike standing in the corner stuck with me for a long time. This film certainly isn’t perfect, but when it comes to reality-based horror films that don’t have big name actors, this really gets the job done. The way this movie was filmed was also pretty innovative in the way it was filmed, considering none of the actors even really knew what was going on. For example, there is a scene where Heather is looking for the map, and between her and Josh bickering and getting more agitated, Mike lets them know that he was so frustrated that he kicked the map into the river, and Heather and Josh react genuinely. The same goes for all of the things that are experienced in the middle of the night, that the actors were instructed to record what was going on and react naturally. The directors, Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez, were the ones running through the ones, making cackling noises, clacking sticks together, and smashing their tent. I’d say that the actors did a sufficient job of managing to improvise their reactions while also remaining genuine to each given objective. When they go from anger, to rage, back down to delirium, they are all feelings that people can relate to when they’ve been in a similar situation of extreme frustration. Well, I guess I didn’t really notice until now how much Heather Donahue was overacting, but maybe she was intending to be annoying in how she reacted to everything, and if that was acting, she did a great job.

 

They interviewed this woman at one point, and I can’t really remember why they made fun of her so much. Maybe she is a witch? Or something? I don’t know, go watch it yourselves.

 

As terrified as I was to watch this movie in theaters, I have to say that this is one of very few movies that are more enjoyable at home than they are in theaters. When you’re in the theater, and everything is really quiet and dark, you can hear and see and react to everything very clearly. You know that you just heard what the characters heard and saw what the characters saw. When you watch this movie at home, there are a lot more distractions and things that can steal your focus. Even if you are watching it in the dark, you might not have a theater quality sound system, or you might not have the volume turned all the way up. This means that when the characters are telling each other to be quiet or to listen, you too tell the people you are with to be quiet to see if you can hear what’s happening. Or maybe you’re watching it alone, and it just forces you to turn the volume up a little bit. I’m sure there are lots of people who talk shit on this movie because they’re jealous about how much money it made, or have justifiable reasons to dislike it, but these filmmakers took a simple idea and pulled it off quite well. They were able to come up with an original character, that of the “Blair Witch”, create mythology around it that seemed genuine, and just ran with it. Even if the film itself isn’t a milestone in the genre of horror, the film-making process opened up the doors for tons of potential filmmakers, and let them know that if you had the funds and the time, you could be the next Blair Witch Project.

 

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The Others (2001)

October 21, 2011 2 Comments

 

Holy shit, this movie came out ten years ago? I can’t really remember why I was excited to see this movie or why it was getting a publicity, maybe it was just because Tom Cruise produced it and his then-wife was in it. Also maybe because it was some guy from Spain directing an actress from Australia who was pretending to be British? Or maybe just the fact that The Sixth Sense was so popular just two years earlier that people had more faith in haunted house movies. I saw this in New York with my brother and I think my mind was blown over the fact that the movie started after 10PM, which wasn’t really something that happened in Massachusetts. Life in the big city, huh?!

 

The beginning stages of when Nicole Kidman cut her face off, then attached it back to her face, and every month would tighten it more and more.

 

Nicole Kidman plays the mother of two children in 1940′s England in a giant mansion. Her husband is away in the war, but luckily the beginning of the film shows three individuals being hired to take care of the house. The small catch is that these kids have a rare disease that doesn’t allow them to be exposed to sunlight. It’s a giant empty house, filled with groans and creaks, but it’s hard to tell what’s normal and what’s supernatural. The children tell tales of seeing other people in the house, but their mom just thinks it’s children playing tricks. It isn’t until she experiences things firsthand, such as doors forcefully opening or closing, music from the piano, running footsteps, and even her daughter appearing as an old woman, she starts to believe them. When the frustrations get to be too much, Kidman tries to travel to a neighboring house, only to be met by a dense, impenetrable fog, and also her husband, back from the war. The strange activities seem to stop for while the husband comes back, but things still seem off. The husband disappears, and then shit starts “popping off”, as the kids would say. With the discovery of grave markers on the property and questioning why the caretakers are at the house, we learn that the caretakers are ghosts! No! As the kids and their mom take refuge in the house, the activity seems to culminate in seeing multiple apparitions who are conducting a séance. We then learn that it is in fact Nicole Kidman and her family that are ghosts, and the people all the activity that they thought to be “ghosts” were people trying to contact their spirits! The film ends with the family refusing to acknowledge they are ghosts and vowing to stick together and stay in their house….FOREVER!!!!!

 

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

 

I really only remember there being two or three good scares in this movie, with one towards the end of the movie being pants-shittingly scary. After watching this movie again, there are definitely five or six segments that could creep you out, but there’s an emphasis on “could”. Unfortunately, with all of my haunted house movie viewings, they all seem to lose their creepiness the more you see it. Knowing when all of these surprises and scares are coming makes them seem cheesy, but I really have no one to blame for that except myself. The isolation of the family in their home adds to the creepy ambiance of the whole movie, and the twist at the end definitely surprised me the first time I saw it. Because the story isn’t really too original or unique, the twist is what makes this move stand out from most other contemporary haunted house movies. You can also believe that Nicole Kidman could be driven insane with the amount of care she is paying to her children’s disease because she is a raging bitch throughout most of the movie. In fact, you kind of wish that her kids were the ones to kill her so that she’d shut the fuck up. Did I mention that the fog got thicker because she was attempting to leave the home she was haunting? Well that was why, but since I fell asleep while writing this review, I’m not even sure I’m making sense right now. If you’ve never seen this movie before and like haunted house movies, I recommend checking this out, but if you’ve seen it before, do yourself a favor and hold off on repeat viewings as much as possible so that it doesn’t lose anything with repetition.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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Filed under 4 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , ,

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