The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) [REVIEW]

October 25, 2010 6 Comments

 

Believe it or not, I’ve only seen this movie a handful of times. Not because it’s bad or anything like that, but just because it is so unsettling. I went to a midnight show of this with “JD”, as he prefers to be known on the internet, and it was for a film school. This means the film was introduced by someone who had apparently read a bunch of articles and interviews about it, making him certified to also answer questions after the film. I was surprised to see how many people there had never seen this movie before, so I just assumed they were all a bunch of pretentious film school dorks that are too busy watching Gus Van Sant or Sofia Coppola bullshit.

 

Check out that butt! This butt dies so quickly, do don’t get too attached.

The soothing voice of John Larroquette lets us know that what we are about to see is based on true events that took place in August of 1973. A group of teens is travelling through Texas and they meet a hitchhiker. He goes crazy and talks about the slaughterhouse that’s nearby, but he stabs the wheelchair-bound teen and they kick him out. The van runs out of gas, so in an attempt to find help, the teens one-by-one encounter the hitchhiker’s family, and more specifically, the retarded chain saw wielding Leatherface. One-by-one they arrive and one-by-one they die. Until they get to Sally, played by Marilyn Burns, who is taken captive. Sally must sit and watch the chaotic frenzy that they call “dinner”, until they introduce her to Grandpa, who is legendary for how easily he could slaughter cows. When presenting Sally to a hammer-wielding Grandpa, he keeps missing, and she eventually escapes. The hitchhiker gets run over by a giant truck, Sally jumps in the back of a pickup, and Leatherface is left standing in the road, swinging his chainsaw like a goddamned madman as the credits then appear onscreen.

 

You know he’s a professional killer, because he wears a tie while killing people.

This film is typically included in every single “Scariest Movies Ever” list, but I feel like your average person doesn’t really know why it’s so terrifying. I’m sure some people would argue that I am also just your average person and have no idea what I’m talking about, so fuck those people. I find it so terrifying because of how unconventional it is, by not only today’s standards, but by standards set during the 60’s and 70’s. Most scary films up to this point were about mood and tone and an overall sense of creepiness. They didn’t really rely on too many “jump scares”, but more just the overall spookiness. TCSM is not at ALL spooky. This film punches you in the nuts, spits in your face, then goes about its business. The first time you see the villain? He pops out from around a corner with no warning, smashes someone over the head with a mallet, then slams the door shut, leaving us with no idea of who that was or why it happened. Also keep in mind, that this is after about 45 minutes with the expendable teenagers, who before we had an idea of what was happening to them, they were just dead. That’s it. No explanation, just dead.

 

Everyone in this picture is so ugly! It must be like at Megan Fox‘s family reunion. Not pictured: lots of toe thumbs.

Even if you don’t speak any english, I would assume this film would be extremely unsettling as just a visual and auditory frenzy. The scene involving Sally having dinner with all the psychopaths feels like it was edited by Edward Scissorhands, as there seems to be no rhyme nor reason to why the edits and cuts are made. It’s extremely disjointed, going from shots of the family at the table, to close-ups of Sally’s face, to extreme close-ups on her eyeballs, back to the family, back to eyeballs. Add to that, most of what you hear during this scene are the sounds of Sally screaming, causing the family to scream, making Sally scream more. It’s a scene that you kind of just want to turn the volume down for or maybe fast-forward. Moments like that make up most of the second half of the movie, either using erratic edits or just the sounds of chainsaws, screams, and other strange metallic sounds that seem unnatural. Every single one of these elements makes it terrifying, and were you to remove any of them, you wouldn’t have gotten the same result. This film is just a perfect storm of terrible things that come together to create a cacophony of terror.

 

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The Omen (1976) [REVIEW]

September 10, 2010 Leave a comment

The first time I ever watched this movie was with a group of friends in high school. I believe I had made them watch Sleepaway Camp shortly before this, so they were clearly all in my debt. I was allowed to pick out the next “horror” movie to watch, and needless to say, we were all bored to tears. I think most of us got distracted and played with cool things in my room, randomly checking in to see if there were boobs or blood showing up on-screen, and we were continually let down.  My first viewing was clearly just an example of watching a film at the wrong place, at the wrong time. It was years before I watched it again, only to realize how good it was, and even then, I don’t think I quite enjoyed it as much as the most recent viewing. Rampaige had never seen it before, but she loves demons and devils, so we gave it a shot…with the assistance of Netflix Instant Watch, of course!

 

Not a big shocker that she quit. Word on the street was that her job was already…hanging by a thread…

On the 6th hour of the 6th day of the 6th month, the child of Robert and Katherine Thorn (played by Gregory Peck and Lee Remick, respectively) dies during childbirth. Before Katherine is notified, a priest tells Robert of a child who was born in the very same hospital, whose mother died during childbirth. He is offered to take this child home and care for it as his own, and the priest recommends never informing Katherine of the switch. Robert accepts the child as his own, and the next five years is a blur. Damien Thorn, played by Harvey Stephens, seems to be a perfectly normal boy. Strange events start to unfold following his birthday, which was interrupted by his nanny hanging herself outside of the house, an event witnessed by everyone at the party. A different priest starts alluding to Robert that he knows about the switch, and that his family is in danger. After agreeing to meet the priest and being given mysterious details about the apocalypse, and that Damien will be the one bringing it about, the priest is killed by a metal rod that falls from a church.

 

“The mystery! I’ve solved it! I’M…HOLDING…A…PHOTOGRAPH! I thought it was just a tiny, two dimensional person this whole time!”

Robert refuses to accept what is going on, until he finds out that Katherine is once again pregnant. The priest had predicted this, and also predicted that Damien would complicate the pregnancy. Robert starts to believe when he has to go to the hospital after Damien rides his tricycle too close to Katherine, causing her to fall two stories, and having the pregnancy terminated due to the injuries. A photographer contacts Robert and shows him photos that seemed to have predicted the deaths of the nanny, as well as the priest. Trying to investigate anyone who knows where Damien came from, Robert and the photographer find that Robert’s actual child was murdered in an attempt to get Damien into a different family. Robert is finally able to contact people who he believes know how to be rid of Damien, the supposed son of the Devil, once and for all, and is left with no other options. While attempting to kill Damien, he is gunned down by the police, and Damien survives, attends his fathers funeral, looks at the camera, and smiles.

 

Priest kabob’d.

I would put this film in the “Unholy Trinity” category, along with The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby. These three films all involve the Devil and possession, just slightly different stages. This film specifically might as well have been a sequel to Rosemary’s Baby, because we now see the son of Satan slightly older. The power behind these three films is the fact that they show so little, yet cause so much fear. This film had four deaths, with really only one (a be-heading due to glass) being exceptionally graphic. The film scares you because of what it is alluding to, rather than just showing you. It makes you feel as though it’s a relatively coincidental chain of events that show us that yes, the Devil is real, and yes, his son has made it to Earth.

 

There’s nothing wrong with two men holding each other in a graveyard. I do it nightly, in my bed, with multiple men.

Another reason why any of these films work well, is because they are shot/acted/directed/scored like any other dramatic movie is, it just so happens that the subject matter is a little more supernatural. Most movies made within the past decade or two rely too much on letting you know it’s a scary movie, with jump cuts and building up tension with music, because they want you to jump more than they want you to actually be scared. Horror movies these days are viewed as a ride, an experience that last 90 minutes. That isn’t to say that these movies “ride” movies can’t be done well, it’s just nothing like some of these older films. The most recent film that comes to mind that terrified you without ever making you jump would probably be Se7en. Granted, I probably can’t remember another movie that would also be a good example, but that movie was brilliantly cast/directed/shot/edited the way any dramatic movie would be, but the subject matter was far more gruesome. Sure, there was some gore, but there was what, one on-screen death? Everything else was just after the fact. I wish more people could successfully make films like those, because those are the ones that stand the test of time, whereas there will always be a film that can make you jump a little bit more often or a little bit higher than whatever came before it.

 

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The Last Exorcism (2010) [REVIEW]

September 2, 2010 1 Comment

 

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING POSTER! How could you NOT want to see this movie immediately!? I am pretty sure I only saw the trailer for this film once, and knew I was going to see it, so I didn’t bother watching the trailer over and over. Every time that Rampaige walked by the poster, she got frightened and clutched my arm and held her head in my bosom. Well, I might be embellishing a bit, but it did freak her out. It’s obviously hard to have a movie with “exorcism” in the title, as well as a contorted young girl on your poster, without drawing obvious comparisons to The Exorcist, and this film was able to honor that film’s legacy without being a carbon copy.

 

Blood? Check. Looking at me angrily? Check. You’re finally a woman!

Since I enjoyed the film, and encourage others to see it, I don’t want to give away too much of what’s going on, so I’ll try to keep it vague. We have Cotton Marcus, played by the awesome Patrick Fabian, a pastor down in Louisiana who had his faith challenged, and eventually swayed, when his child falls ill. He might not believe in the things he preaches about, but he is not attempting to lie to people, merely providing them with a service that they require, and all parties leave happy. He is being followed by a documentary crew, so he can show them what goes on when he performs one of his “exorcisms”. It’s mostly bells and whistles, as Cotton attributes most possessions to psychological trauma, rather than demons, but as long as the people get what they need, everyone involved appreciates the experience. Cotton takes a case in a small town in Louisiana, and, well, you can probably assume a plethora of things that happen from there, and the film probably addresses each concept you come up with, in the best way possible.

 

I don’t trust anything that wears one of these crazy nightgowns.

This film had a great combination of atmosphere, acting, mood, and overall sense of unease, tension, and doubt over who or what to believe. Your average viewer can go into this film and enjoy the “scary” moments, but for all of us who have seen their fair share of horror films, it was hard to ignore the influences of other films on this one. Before we go any further, I must say that I enjoyed this film, and all the movies I was reminded of while watching are good films, and Last Exorcism didn’t at all feel like it was copying off of them. It was, however, apparent that director Daniel Stamm really knew his shit, inside and out, and it really must have just been oozing out of him while directing. As the name implies, there is a connection to The Exorcist, about a teenage girl getting possessed by a demonic force, and a preacher who has questioned his faith being brought in to remove it. One of the best horror movies of all time, filled with terrifying and shocking imagery, that leaves everyone who watched it questioning their faith. The Last Exorcism clearly has a similar plot, as well as an incredible actress, Ashley Bell, playing a possessed girl, who makes you believe she has to be possessed to pull off some of the contortion we see onscreen.

 

Yes, they did manage to get someone who looked like Salute Your Shorts era Bobby Budnick. Eli Roth has got some deep ass pockets.

Other cinematic  influences would be the Rosemary’s Baby and The Wicker Man. I said that to someone and they said “The original, or the Nicolas Cage version?”. I immediately called the hospital to let them know one of their brain-damaged patients had escaped, and they could find him buying tickets to see The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Rosemary’s Baby is about a woman who gets impregnated by her husband, but doesn’t seem to trust her neighbors, him, or her own doctors. There are ups and downs with the pregnancy, as well as in her mood, and we get to watch one of the best endings in horror film history. Similarly, The Wicker Man is about a detective sent to a small island to investigate a murder, but can’t seem to get straight answers from anyone in the small town, and the ending to this film is also a shocker. The Last Exorcism really captures the distrust of the community of both of those films successfully. Do we believe our Pastor Cotton?  Is there something going on with this girl’s family that we don’t know about? What’s happening in this town that no one wants to talk about? You feel just as confused, nervous, and distrusting of the characters as they feel of each other, so you never really know whose side you want to be on, and by the end of the film, no matter which side you choose, you were wrong.

 

I KNOW! I KNOW! YOU’RE DENIM DUNGAREE DRESS IS AWFUL!

Lastly, the content of this film was somewhat similar to the film that was supposedly based on a true story, The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it a horror film, Emily Rose involves a woman, whose name you might have guessed, dying because of an exorcism. The film then is more of a courtroom drama about whether or not she was possessed by a demon, or if all of her symptoms could be explained through modern science. As I mentioned, this film isn’t quite that scary, since most of the possession scenes are just told in flashback, but the debate of what your mind is or isn’t capable of was what made this film stand out. The Last Exorcism makes you question the same things, but because you are right there in the middle of what’s going on, rather than flashbacks, you feel yourself changing your opinion every ten minutes. Yes, she’s totally possessed. No, there is no way she is possessed, she is just a psycho. And once again, you leave The Last Exorcism questioning what the truth of the film was.

 

SPOILER ALERT: The reason she was freaking out was determined to be hay in the puss.

I apologize to anyone involved in this film if it sounds like I am discrediting your originality, because that was not my intention. If you asked most horror fanatics what the best horror films of all time were, they would probably all include The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, and The Wicker Man in their top ten, if not even their top five. Eli Roth and company were able to combine the best features of multiple horror films, and get an interesting story with a lot of substance. Add in the fact that it was shot by a camera crew in POV style, it really goes farther than most movies you will see this year, or have seen. With the success of Paranormal Activity, it’s easy for anyone to throw together a POV horror film that gives you some scares, and will probably end up financially successful. This is a film that was extremely creepy, and it just so happens it was filmed in POV, rather than relying on it. There’s one scene where Ashley Bell’s character is going through a possession fit and takes control of the camera, which was a terrifying segment that couldn’t have existed had the film been shot in a different style, but it’s so creepy that you immediately know you just got to see something that hasn’t been done before. Don’t walk, run….no wait, don’t run, walk bent over backwards to see this in theaters to make sure your money is going towards people who loves horror making films for people who love horror.

 

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Piranha 3D (2010) [REVIEW]

August 23, 2010 7 Comments

 

What happens when you take Jaws, make it have sex with Deep Blue Sea, while Snakes on a Plane watches? Yup, you get Piranha 3D. It’s kind of sad that watching people watch the trailer, or watching people look at the poster, they immediately dismiss the film for how awful it’s going to be. These people, who I will refer to as “stupid”, clearly don’t even deserve to enjoy this film in the way it was intended. I honestly had to tone down my excitement before watching it, thinking it could in no way be as awesome as my mind had made it out to be. Luckily, the awesomeness that I could fathom still didn’t hold a candle to the actual experience.

 

It’s funny how even though Adam Scott only played the character on Party Down, I can’t help but want to say “Are we having fun yet?!” whenever I see him.

It all starts with a man on a boat fishing in a lake in Arizona. We then see a mild earthquake take place, which releases some unknown terror upon him, in the form of small fish with sharp teeth. From there, we are then introduced to characters that we are supposed to care about, but they do their job of stringing together different plot points. It’s spring break on this lake, which means lots of people in the water. When the body of the fisherman is discovered, combined with scientists studying the aftermath of this earthquake, it’s determined that the lake needs to be shut down. Sadly, our spring breakers vehemently oppose this decision, and decide to protest this decision by the sheriff’s department by jumping in the water. Believe it or not, there is then a huge feeding frenzy, with lots of blood and mutilations and everything you expect from a movie entitled “Piranha 3D”. Also, apparently the characters that you were supposed to care about experience trials and tribulations, eventually making their way out of the situation relatively safe.

 

I like to think that maybe Christopher Lloyd brought this piranha fossil from his personal fossil collection.

There’s so much awesome shit to talk about with this film, I don’t even know where to begin. However, the last thing I would want to do is spoil it for anyone, so I will try not to go overboard with details. Let’s talk about the cast first. The main character wasn’t really important, neither was the female he was pining for. His mom, however, was played by Elisabeth Shue, which was awesome. Would I have rather seen Kari Wuhrer? Of course, but Elisabeth Shue did a great job of making you wonder why she wasn’t in more movies, as she played the “firm but fair” action female lead. Who was her partner? MOTHER FUCKING VING RHAMES. What else needs to be said, it’s Ving Rhames. Who plays the scientist? None other than Adam Scott, a.k.a. “Are we having fun yet?!” from Party Down. Glad to see him finally getting some more “leading man” type roles. Jerry O’ Connell is in this, pretty much playing who I assume Jerry O’ Connell is…a guy who loves chicks and partying. What chicks does he surround himself with? Pornstars Riley Steele, Ashlynn Brooke, and Gianna Michaels. Also, British model Kelly Brook, who is not a porn star, but the accent makes up for it.

 

Do you think anyone calls Richard Dreyfuss “The Dreyf”? I don’t, but wish they did.

You’re probably wondering who offers wisdom to our characters in their times of trouble. Well, none other than Christopher Lloyd, playing a crazy scientist who was able to pinpoint the species of piranha, that turns out to be prehistoric. Only drawback to Christopher Lloyd was that he was so awesome, once you saw him, you wanted him to be in every scene, which he wasn’t. Last, but far from least, was the fisherman I was talking about, played by none other than Richard Dreyfuss. Okay, Richard Dreyfuss, why’s that so great? Well, he is wearing pretty much the exact same outfit as he did in Jaws, denim and all. And what do we hear him singing along to on the radio? It just so happens to be “Show Me The Way To Go Home” by Irving King, and yes, that is the song he sang in jaws with Roy Scheider and Robert Shaw. Need more evidence of the details the director, Alexandre Aja went through to properly pay homage? He also named the character “Matt”, which just so happens to also be the name of his character in Jaws. This is all within the first five minutes, mind you, so if you don’t realize then and there what you’re in for, you might as well walk out of the theater.

 

Here we see Jerry O’ Connell, reaching out in hopes of someone saving his career.

Let’s get back to the whole Jaws/Deep Blue Sea/Snakes on a Plane reference I made earlier. In addition to the Richard Dreyfuss involvement, we can take a look at the plot for Jaws similarities. There is a vacation hot spot that is a big money-maker for a small town, that has warning signs of nature fighting back. The sheriff realizes that the lake needs to be shut down, but no one listens to her. They even incorporated the “Jaws Shot”, which is when the camera physically moves closer, while zooming out, which was used in Jaws when Roy Scheider is sitting on the beach and notices a panic in the water. However, the far-fetched plot is more in the style of Deep Blue Sea, about sharks that are made smarter and then go on a rampage. This film gives you the silly premise, but backs up the idea of prehistoric fish living in a secluded cavern, so you can take the concept at least somewhat seriously using quasi-science. And finally, there are touches of Snakes on a Plane, where the horror or drama or suspense is just so ridiculous, you can’t help but laugh, as the filmmakers obviously knew how wacky they were being.

 

Here we see Eli Roth, looking like he is about to perform the hit song “Yvan eht Nion” with the Party Posse.

And the gore in this film? GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. You would think there are only so many ways you could kill someone using piranhas, and you would be wrong on that one. DEAD WRONG. Okay, maybe not too wrong, but there is also a wild frenzy that incorporates motorboat propellers and things like that. One scene alone had a woman getting her hair caught in a propeller, which struggled to start, but when it did start, it ripped her face off of her head. HER FUCKING FACE GOT RIPPED OFF OF HER HEAD, PEOPLE. Not to mention how many times people got chewed down to the bone, without dying. Remember that episode of Mr. Show with Bob and David where there was a heavy metal fan who tried to kill himself by jumping into a vat of acid? Imagine that, but with more money, and happening more often. I swear, some of the scenes in this movie made Saving Private Ryan look like Bridget Jones Diary: The Edge of Reason. They even ripped off Ghost Ship by slicing a woman in half with a cable, and the top half of her sliding from her body. Slight difference though, was that in this movie, she was topless. Which brings up another good point…boobs. You see so fucking many, you almost get sick of them. Keep in mind I said “almost” get sick of them. Basically, if you find yourself saying, “Wow, I haven’t seen boobs recently enough for my liking”, give it about 15 seconds, and all of that will change.

 

There’s this one great scene where a chick with huge boobs hangs out with another chick with big boobs. A classic in the making!

I do recommend going to see this film in 3D, because they make it a point to utilize that element the way everyone has wanted to do, but hasn’t had the balls to do. The first 3D film was shown at the Astor Theater in New York on June 10, 1915. The first feature-length 3D film in color with stereophonic sound, was House of Wax in 1953. The highest grossing film of all time, Avatar, opened in 2009, and took ten years for James Cameron to develop sophisticated enough equipment for this three-hour long snoozefest. And on August 20, 2010, 95 years of failed 3D technology has finally accomplished what everyone wanted to see, and there is no reason to advance the technology further. You want to see beer spraying from a keg onto you? Check. You want to see someone throw up onto you? Check. You want to see naked babes dance around underwater? Check. You want to see a severed dick get eaten by piranhas in three dimensions? Got it. James Cameron can stop trying. Which is funny, because this film is a remake of a film that James Cameron did the sequel to. Take that, artistic merit and movies full of computer generated blue nudists!

 

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Hostel (2005) [REVIEW]

June 6, 2010 1 Comment

 

As you might remember me saying in my 50th post, I loved Cabin Fever. Most people didn’t see Cabin Fever, so obviously they wouldn’t know who Eli Roth was. I, however, did know who Eli Roth was, so seeing promotional material for this movie got me super-pumped. Granted, I was already becoming a pretentious prick of a 19 year old who thought he was awesome for having seen Ichi the Killer, but still, I was excited. I don’t remember who I saw this movie with, but I think I can safely say that when Takashi Miike appeared on-screen, I elbowed the person and said “HEY LOOK, IT’S TAKASHI MIIKE!”, and that person probably said “Who?”, and then I probably chuckled to myself about how cool I was. Regardless, I was still pumped to see this movie being released in theaters because I knew Cabin Fever didn’t get the same treatment and I was pretty confident about how gory this would be.

 

Come on guy, a ball gag isn’t that uncomfortable. Or, at least, I’ve heard it isn’t, heh heh…

Our story centers around two recently graduated Americans trekking through Europe with a crazy guy from Iceland who is a little older. Being fed up with how Americanized and trendy Amsterdam and after finding a weird weasel looking guy, they are directed to voyage to an unpronounceable town in Slovakia. They then find themselves at a hostel, and the movie ends. Okay not really, but I couldn’t think of a funny way to point out the movie title again. At this hostel, they end up sharing a room with Slovakian babes who quickly disrobe in front of them, give them drinks and drugs, and do them. I mean, can’t get better than that, right?! It does for the viewer, because then we get to see these douchebags get the shit murdered out of them!

 

It’s like when you sneeze and forget the tissue and snotty boogers explode out of your face, but a thousand times worse.

Turns out, these women work for a mysterious company that kidnaps tourists and people can then pay a fee to torture/rape/kill the person that they pay for, and Americans are the most expensive. This is when the main characters start dropping. The mysterious Icelander is killed offscreen, so we never truly know what happens to him, other than his head gets cut off and picture messaged to his friends. The less douchey, slightly more whiny American gets a power drill to the chest a few times, has his Achilles tendon severed, and later in the film we eventually see him being dissected. The douchiest of douches gets kidnapped but is able to evade actual death, but has to deal with losing a few fingers. In his attempt to rescue another person at the torture fest, we see that someone is melting her eyeball with a blow torch. When Captain Douche intercedes, he has to cut the eyeball cord for the girl, and then pus leaks everywhere and it’s disgusting. He eventually escapes and randomly encounters the two women that seduced him and the weasel-y guy, and then there is a combination of both cars and bricks destroying their heads. Finally, Señor Douché finds the guy who killed his friend, who they had actually met early on in the film in a homophobic encounter, and cuts his throat. America wins!

 

Clearly this woman is far too attractive to sleep with anyone who lets their face get covered in puke. Or anyone who would star in a Dumb & Dumber prequel.

Did I mention the Americans were douches? No? Okay, well, they were. I don’t know too much about Eli Roth’s personal life, but I feel like he could quite possibly be a jock douche. Either that, or he has a lot of close encounters with awful examples of humanity. In both Hostel and Cabin Fever, he is just a little too good at writing dialogue for people you want to see tortured and murdered. Like I said, he might not be an actual douche, but I can’t exactly rule it out. That’s one thing that makes this movie so enjoyable. There isn’t a single moment in this film where you think “Aww, these guys are too darned endearing to have to deal with seeing them murdered!”. They are constantly saying “fag” along with other homophobic behavior, refer to one another as pussies, refuse to talk about anything other than doing drugs and sleeping with women, and just exude an overall terrible existence. It’s also possible that in combination with Eli Roth’s dialogue that these might be master thespians who were method acting, so to Jay Hernandez and Derek Richardson, since you’re probably reading this, I commend you sirs!

 

Honestly, it’s not like you need two eyeballs. One will get you by. Two will work, at most. Three would just be excessive. I would be worried about making fun of blind people right now, but how will they even be able to read this?

This movie gives the viewer everything they hope to see in a film like this, and more. You want gore? You got it. You want hot Eastern European women getting naked? You got it. You want another reason to be absolutely terrified of Russia? Oh, you fucking got that. So when I mentioned how excited I was to first see this movie, I really think this film lived up to its expectations. I really don’t think there was too much trying to be said with this film, other than to make an updated version of old torture-porn films of the 70′s and 80′s. Most films that get a wide theatrical release are just watered down versions of classic genre films they are trying to capitalize on, and obviously fail. Yeah, I’ll admit, I saw the Sorority Row remake. Okay, well, I saw it in bits and pieces while working, but still. I figured if there would be one film last fall that would have an abundance of violence and scantily clad women, that would be it. Did it? NOPE. I don’t think it had either, to be honest. Princess Leia was in it thought, so that counts for something. Either way, Hostel is what other films should be, and I continue to enjoy the works of Eli Roth.

 

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[REC] 2 (2009) [REVIEW]

May 26, 2010 3 Comments

 

I know this is going to make me sound like a huge poseur, but I definitely saw Quarantine before I saw [REC]. I’ll admit to being a bigger poseur by not knowing that Quarantine was a remake of [REC] until after I had seen it and done some Googling. Obviously I made it a point to see [REC] and figure out which one was better. Both films are very entertaining, with minimal differences, but for a couple of reasons, I found [REC] to have been more successful. One reason was that in Quarantine, we spend about 15-20 minutes getting to know the lead characters as they spend time together at a fire station. The call then comes in about some sort of trouble and then the movie gets rolling. The original [REC] reduces 20 minutes to about 5, and the movie is on its way. You realize that whole “establish an emotional connection with the characters” was just American bullshit that was unnecessary in the first place. I also think that not knowing Spanish made the original a lot more chaotic. Obviously a movie made in Spain with Spanish speaking characters wasn’t some symbolic message, but approaching the movie as an American viewer, I felt that the insanity and chaos was heightened because I could only read the subtitles so fast, and there are multiple scenes of multiple people shouting. I was lucky enough to see the theatrical Midwest premiere of [REC] 2 last week, and I had just as much fun as in the first.

 

What an ugly little girl. Which reminds me, Wolfgang, how’s your daughter? Not saying she’s ugly, just, ya know, uhh…..

The original was shot from the point of view of a camera guy who goes into an apartment building that has a mysterious infection spreading. It is described as being like rabies, with its victims getting extremely aggressive, even zombie like. The victims inside are locked in by the army, police, and ministry of health. Then hilarity ensues, involving lots of blood and puke and violence. This movie starts where that one left off. It opens with a SWAT-esque team going into the contaminated building with someone from the ministry of health, supposedly to figure out what’s going on and extract survivors. Shockingly, the group is attacked about 20 minutes into the movie, and the person from the “ministry of health” is from a different ministry…like, he’s a priest. Turns out that the cause of these “infections” were traced back to the demonic possession of a girl who was taken to the building and was being studied to see if they could find a biological cure for her possession. They also found out that the host demon could infect other people through saliva and blood, and those individuals could be controlled as well. What then follows is lots of blood, guts, yelling, guns, more blood, demons, jumping, night vision, helmets, and awesomeness.

 

The demons would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddlin’ kids!

I didn’t add in a “spoiler alert” when it comes to the demonic possessions, because it really happens quite early in the film. After having seen the original and the American remake, I was definitely shocked to find out that it wasn’t a viral/biological infection, but rather a supernatural one. I believe my reaction was something like: “Wait, they are saying there are demons infecting one another and running around all batshit insane? That’s………….AWESOME! HOLY SHIT THAT’S AWESOME!”. They really took a risk on making this exorcism/zombie movie combination, but I really think it paid off for everyone involved. The P.O.V. shots were obviously terrifying, and the gore was highly entertaining. I was lucky enough to see this in theaters and there wasn’t a single gruesome death that didn’t result in cheering and applause. If you get the chance to see this film, or the original [REC], or hell, even Quarantine, I highly recommend all three.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale



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Top Five Horror Films of 2009

April 9, 2010 2 Comments

Well the year ended about four months ago, but after recently being asked what my top five were, I figured I might as well post it for all to see! Now these might not necessarily be classics to put in a vault for all time, but these were the ones I enjoyed most. Some of these you might have expected, others you probably didn’t. It’s also possible that the next time I see any of these films I might write an extended review, so I will try to keep it short and sweet. So now, in alphabetical order, I present to you, my top five horror films of 2009.

Antichrist


Surrounded by controversy that seem to exceed the actual content of the film, Antichrist brought to screen some of the most disturbing images of 2009. It seemed as though everyone was upset with how they interpreted the film, completely oblivious to what was going on. At its core, I felt this movie was trying to convey the concept that rather than the world being inherently good with instances of evil, what if the world was inherently evil with instances of good. If you can stomach the graphic violence, mostly involving the bathing suit area, it is well worth going into this movie without expectations and let the images speak for themselves.

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Drag Me To Hell


This movie is also referred to as “Evil Dead 2 With A Budget”. This film seems to successfully accomplish what was attempted in the Evil Dead trilogy. It was over the top and funny when it needed to be, and made you jump out of your seat anytime they felt like it. If you are a Raimi fan at all, you should see the movie immediately, as I find it to be some of his most solid work. The gypsy woman, played by Lorna Raver, has one of the best performances of the year, and Alison Loman walks the line of sympathetic without being pathetic. If you can watch this movie for the first time, in the dark, and not jump a single time, then you might want to get your pulse checked.

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The House of the Devil


This movie successfully was able to not only pay homage to a certain genre but also brought some original ideas to it. In this day and age it seems like every iconic horror movie is remade and updated with no originality, so this throwback to an older style was much appreciated. This slow-paced film teased you and tempted you with hints at what was to come, and kept you white-knuckled the whole time. The payoff, despite lasting just the last few minutes of the film, made the whole thing worth it.

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Paranormal Activity


I am sure you are all sick of the hype this movie got by now, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t pooping my pants the first time I saw it. It wasn’t a new concept, but it was shot in a frightening way. Considering how many shows are on Discovery and SyFy there are about hunting ghosts with crappy video cameras, you felt like you were just watching a really scary episode of one of those shows. They did a great job with the visuals and sounds you experienced, so you never knew exactly what was about to happen. Whichever ending you saw is fine, because they really all were effective in different ways. Just a fun film, and the sequel will blow goats.

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Where The Wild Things Are


I guess I am definitely using the term “horror movie” quite liberally, but it’s my blog so shut up. I consider this to be one of the most well made films of last year of any genre. One reason I included it here was because it’s about monsters. Sure, maybe not terrifying monsters, but the scenes involving threatening to eat Max were pretty intense. The story involves a figure of self-claimed authority telling the wild things that everything would be good and great and only things you want to happen will happen. Then when things start going wrong for everyone, the person who guarantees happiness abandons everyone to go back to something better. Now that’s just goddamned depressing. What really made me consider this movie to be horrifying is how surreal everything is. Both realities are extremely exaggerated, yet so distinctly real they make you question whether or not these people or places actually exist. This is all a credit to the filmmaking of Spike Jonze. Not many people can say they took a children’s book and have it end up in a top five horror movie list.

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Welp, there you have it folks! As I mentioned earlier, I wouldn’t be surprised if the next time I see any of these films I write extended reviews. Check these movies out the first chance you get. And if you’ve already check them out, hopefully you watch them from a slightly different perspective.

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Trick r’ Treat (2008) [REVIEW]

March 21, 2010 Leave a comment

 

In general, I try to avoid getting too excited about any movie of any genre so that I am not disappointed. I watched this movie based on positive reviews I have read and a few images I have seen, so I was already setting my expectations high. Lucky for me, I ended up getting what I expected, maybe even a little more.

 

These aren’t your parents princesses. Unless, of course, your parents are creepy perverts.

This film is actually made up of four short films all based around, surprisingly, Halloween. One of my all time favorite horror movies, let alone movies of any genre, is George Romero’s Creepshow. This is a film that’s also comprised of multiple short stories and are influenced by early horror pulp comics published by EC, which later became DC comics. So imagine my joy of knowing there are four short films, and the opening credits sequence was even done in a comic book style. It’s like they were reading my mind, but in a good way.

 

It’s everyone’s favorite game, “Who is the least freaky weirdo on the bus?”

I won’t give away too much about the plots of the films, because they are short enough that to try and describe them completely would spoil all the fun. One story revolves around a principal who is apparently killing trick or treaters, another is about a prank to scare the nerdy girl in class with a local urban legend. There’s also a story about a group of four girls going to a party, one of them being a virgin, and looking for dates, when the virgin encounters a mysterious stranger. The last story that really excited me was because of how similar it was to a certain episode of Tales from The Darkside, which was a TV show created by George Romero and makeup artist Tom Savini. The episode involved a cranky old man being harassed by a mysterious mischief maker all night on Halloween, and the story in this film…is about a cranky old man being harassed by a mysterious mischief maker.

 

It’s Barbie Dream House – Billy Corgan Edition.

One big difference between this film and Creepshow is the fact that at some point in each film, the different characters interact with each other or make some sort of appearance. This was supposedly done to help establish the time line of the film, but I actually enjoyed seeing the characters in different roles. For example, in the first story, the principal is the predatory character and then later in the film, he plays the victim. It made it feel like all the bad guys got a taste of their own medicine, so that was certainly enjoyable. All the stories were a lot of fun, even if you felt like you had seen them before, they were all very well done. This film also had one of the more interesting werewolf transformation scenes I have seen, where the characters are actually ripping their skin from their bodies to expose their wolf-ness, as opposed to most movies where the werewolves transform into their true forms.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008) [REVIEW]

March 13, 2010 Leave a comment

 

If you are reading this review and not currently watching this film, you should be kicking yourself in the nuts or punching yourself in the boobs, whichever you prefer. This is going to be one of the hardest reviews anyone will ever have to do, because it’s impossible to convey in words all the ways in which this film goes above and beyond any movie that ever has been made or ever will be made. James Nguyen not only masterfully scripts elegant dialogue that sounds like a symphony of the English language, but also directs this film to create vast landscapes of the horror that is nature. But to be fair, I feel as though the lead actors Alan Bagh and Whitney Moore needed hardly any direction, because some skills can be taught, but clearly their performances are something you need to be born with. The visual effects by Yeung Chan make you wonder what he actually did for the film, because everything is so realistic, it’s hard to believe you aren’t watching a documentary as nature rebels against human civilization.

 

Unleashing some unleaded justice.

The story is a tale as old as time, a young man Rod (Bagh) wants the American dream: a good job, a good wife, and to the leave smallest ecological footprint any human ever has. Just look at his Mustang…it gets 100 miles to the gallon because it is 100% electric. Or maybe the fact that he is planning on spending 19,00 dollars to install solar panels on his house. That’s the kind of guy Rod is, he spares no expense to save the environment. You can feel the chemistry oozing off the screen when he meets former classmate Nathalie (Moore) as they start their passionate relationship after a chance meeting in a diner. You get swept into the film and think you are watching a romance that rivals Casablanca,The Notebook, or Runaway Bride, but when the birds show up, you realize why Nguyen is the master of the romance thriller.

If you aren’t in love with this face, you have no reproductive organs.

This movie does for birds what The Birds did for birds, but this film does it birdy-er. With angrier birds. More birds. There are so many birds, you will feel like there is an epidemic of birds. Like some sort of bird epidemic. I wonder if that’s where the film got its name? The world may never know. I don’t want to go into too much detail about what happens when the birds show up, because it’s definitely something you have to see to believe. And even once you see it, you might not believe the terror that is happening on-screen.

The onslaught comes from eagles AND vultures. That’s right, two species of terror.

Seriously though folks, this movie is so terribly awful, it is hilarious. The acting is as bad as any pornographic film that leads to an orgy of carnage rather than an orgy of boobs and wieners. It’s really enjoyable to watch movies with budgets this low and know that the lead male character was most likely the director’s friend who was the best actor, and the lead female was the most attractive person the director knew. If you enjoyed Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, this film is definitely for you. Slight problem being that it hasn’t had a wide theatrical release, nor is it available on DVD. I have heard, however, there are ways people can see it using the internet. I won’t go into too much detail, but if there is any way for you to see this movie, whether it be legal or otherwise, I recommend it. For me, the highlights were any time there were numbers involved in this film, they chose the most arbitrary numbers possible. For example “I am selling my gasoline, but it’s one hundred dollars a gallon,” or, “I just made a sale for one million dollars,” and of course, “We just sold the company for one billion dollars.” Pure genius. There’s also a scene with a mother giving career advice to her daughter, and, I can’t even bring myself to describe the emotion involved. I included a link to the trailer below, but BEWARE, the less you see of this movie the better, so it’s that much more of a surprise.

Wolfman Moon Scale

Normally, this is where I insert a graphic of a phase of the moon related to how much I enjoyed this movie.

Let’s just say that in this still from the film, each bird represents one hundred full moons:

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