We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)

January 26, 2012 2 Comments

 

Despite the critical acclaim of this movie, I didn’t understand why a comedy about John C. Reilly helping a fat kid at school deal with bullies. Then I realized that this movie was not at all the other movie with a person’s name as the title that came out in 2011 called “Terri”. I also recently saw an article talking about the poster design of this film and ways that it is reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby, which got me interested. Some might even say it piqued my interest, if you’re the type of person who enjoys using words with the letter “Q” in them. I still had no idea whether or not this movie was any sort of horror or thriller or anything like that, because everyone kind of knew it was about the character “Kevin” needing a talking to because he was going to take part in some sort of school shooting or something. Why couldn’t you have taken time out of your schedule to talk to Terri AND Kevin, John C. Reilly?!

 

Talk about Kevin? How about we talk about that tomato soup!

 

Eva (Tilda Swinton) wakes up from a dream/memory of being in one of those giant tomato fights that happen in places where people don’t speak English. When she wakes up, she sees her car covered in red paint, as well as her house. You know what? I’m giving up on describing things in the order they happen in the movie because the movie was constantly jumping around to different timelines and this will be easier. Eva and Franklin (John C. Reilly) have a child together named, believe it or not, Kevin. Given their professions, it ends up being Eva who spends most of her time at home with Kevin while Franklin is typically away. The child seems unresponsive, dismissive of any attention or stimulus, as well as confrontational. He’s a little cocksucker and Franklin thinks Eva is just making it up. Doctors say that there’s nothing wrong with him and people think Eva is just kind of exaggerating. The older he gets, the more extreme the dual personalities become, being a great son when Franklin is around and being a shithead around Eva. As a toddler, Kevin intentionally shits his diapers every time he gets changed, as well as ruins Eva’s belongings, and as he get older he graduates to creating computer viruses and feeding his sister drain cleaner, which results in her having her eye removed. What an asshole!

 

And then Will Ferrell busted in and did some of his patented funny yelling!

 

The douchebaggery climaxes with Kevin taking his bow and arrow to his school, takes a shitload of Prozac, and starts locking people in and shooting a bunch of people. While jumping back and forth between timelines, we also see Eva having to deal with the community’s reaction to these events, including strangers walking up to her and slapping her and having her groceries fucked with. All the while we can’t help but wonder where Franklin and the daughter are in all of this, as most of the film focused on the relationship between Kevin and Eva, including her visiting him in prison. Towards the end of the film we learn that they were both killed by Kevin before he had gone to the school. We also learn that since he took a shitload of Prozac and wasn’t even 16 when he did those things, he was only going to be in prison for a few more years. The film ends with Eva painting a room for Kevin in her new home and getting all of his clothes ready for when he is eventually released. I think it was symbolic of her forgiving him for everything? Or something? Who fucking knows.

 

The original title was actually “We Need to Talk About Kevin…..’s Problem of Buying Small Clothes”.

 

I don’t say this too often about films, but I didn’t really understand the point of it. Granted, it was based on a novel, so its possible there are a lot of rewarding elements of the book, but I didn’t really feel much with the film. Both Tilda Swinton and Ezra Miller, who played the older Kevin, were quite good, but I still didn’t really feel anything in regards to the story. I think the points they were trying to make were about how Eva was ambivalent to the idea of motherhood from the beginning and how that could have played a part in why Kevin grew up this way, and that there can be closure at the end because she finally accepted him for all his flaws. The problem with this is that I thought she did a relatively decent job of dealing with a shitty kid and only really let her frustrations show when she shoved him once and he broke his arm. I figured that if she was having such a hard time dealing with the community after what Kevin did, she could have, I don’t know, FUCKING MOVED SOMEWHERE ELSE. I think it would have been a little bit easier to summarize the movie by saying “Tilda Swinton is from another planet and is stuck with a shitty kid who grows up to be a shitty teenager but she hugs him anyway”. It got a little tense in a few moments when you knew Kevin was about to go bonkers and get all Green Arrow on everyone, but those moments seemed to be intentionally underplayed as to not make it some gore-fest.

 

I’m certainly no DNA scientist, but how does Tilda Swinton + John C. Reilly = this?

 

When it comes to school shooting movies, the only one I could say I “liked” was Gus Van Sant’s “Elephant”. To say I liked the movie might not necessarily be the appropriate word. Elephant had only been released a few years after the Columbine Massacre and even though it wasn’t based on that, it was certainly the event that it was repeatedly compared to.  I felt as though Elephant had humanized these two kids who weren’t the monsters that everyone had portrayed them to be, and tried to show that these two kids had some fucked up experience that caused them to focus effort on a terrible, violent event. Maybe had they grown up differently or worn different clothes or had different hair, maybe there could have been enough small changes in their lives that they could have handled things in a more productive way, but clearly fell down a slippery slope of anger and hate. This film, however, didn’t really seem to address room for error in a child’s upbringing. Kevin was such a piece of shit even as a toddler, that even though Eva tried to do her best, her best wasn’t good enough. Maybe the point was that if Eva had shown such devotion to Kevin early in his life that she had shown towards the end of it, things would have been different, but I feel it missed that mark. Although I didn’t really enjoy this film, I did think there were two good performances in it, so it wasn’t a complete waste of my time. Oh yeah, and you kind of see John C. Reilly’s butt! IN A SEX SCENE!

 

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Melancholia (2011)

January 3, 2012 4 Comments

 

What better way to ring in the year that our world is supposed to end than to review a movie where the world really does end! Whoops, spoiler alert. No, not really a spoiler alert, because I’m pretty sure that in the trailer they let you know we’re doomed. Considered by some to be one of the best movies of 2011, it was also surrounded by some of the most controversy, thanks to the ever outspoken director Lars von Trier. At the Cannes Film Festival, there was a press conference to promote the film where some of von Trier’s awkward answers made him sound like a Nazi sympathizer, escalating to the point of claiming to be a Nazi, resulting in him not being allowed to attend the rest of the festival. He’s a German, in France, holding a press conference in English. Not to say that he should be absolved of what he said, but give me a fucking break. From watching the footage, it’s obvious that he was trying to make an inappropriate joke that didn’t go over well, admitted it wasn’t going over well, which dug him deeper into a hole. This wasn’t a Michael Richards situation, this was a guy trying to make a joke that didn’t go over well, and rather than changing the subject, turned the ridicule on himself. I’ve been there plenty of times, when I make a joke that is appropriate (but usually inappropriate), and when it doesn’t go over well end up making myself look worse. And that’s when I’m speaking English to people who also speak English! That language barrier seemed to fuck up the intended humor and self-deprecating intent and now he’s never doing press conferences again. Thanks a lot, France! By the way, in addition to knowing the world ends, there’ll be some spoilers coming up, and I recommend skipping my review and just watching the movie because I thought it was awesome.

 

Friendly reminder: the Earth gets smashed.

The first few moments of this movie we see some surreal images that foreshadow what we’ll see in the rest of the film. Lots of images of Justine (Kirsten Dunst) being sad and trudging through mud, weird weather effects, and a planet crashing into Earth and completely obliterating it. The title card pops on screen, then we start “Chapter 1″ of the film, which is titled “Justine”. Justine has just gotten married and is on her way to her own reception with her new husband Michael (Alexander Skarsgård). When the pair arrive, they are yelled at by Justine’s sister Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and her husband John (Keifer Sutherland), which is understandable because they were the ones paying for it. The next hour of the film reveals that Justine has been struggling with depression and is doing her best to hold it back on even this, her supposed day of celebration. She manages to remain completely cold and distant to her new husband, tell off her boss, who then fires her, as well as having sex with someone she just met. The night ends with the pair going their separate ways, and everyone is pretty much just bummed out or angry about life sucking.

 

How can you be sad while dancing around with John Hurt!?

 

This is when we jump to Chapter 2, entitled “Claire”. Early on in Chapter 1 the characters noticed some sort of bright star or planet or something in the sky and John, a scientist, mentions it’s peculiar, but not in any sort of ominous way. We learn in Chapter 2 that this light is a planet called “Melancholia” that is supposed to swing past Earth, but miss it completely. This doesn’t stop Claire from getting really worked up over it, leaving John to be the one calming her down. Considering the huge depression Justine sinks into because of the incidents at the wedding, she becomes Claire’s responsibility for the time being. For the entirety of this chapter, Justine is either asleep or acting like a bitch towards everyone. I guess single-handedly destroying your own wedding hours after getting married does that to you, which would also explain why Claire found pills that would cause someone to overdose and die if they were taken. As Melancholia approaches, everyone gathers to watch it get closer and closer, then eventually further and further away. After seeing John scrawling some things in a notebook, we see Claire go searching for him. She uses a toy her son made that he was using to measure how close Melancholia was to Earth and becomes upset when it appears to be coming back towards Earth. When she ultimately finds John, it is in a barn, where he’s died from an overdose on Justine’s pills. having this confirm her worst fears, she tries to make peace with her sister and provide her son with a peaceful few hours, their last on Earth. The planet gets closer and closer, and Justine, Claire, and Claire’s son all sit down inside a small fort they’ve made with sticks as they wait for Melancholia to completely obliterate the planet, which we ultimately see it do firsthand.

 

Does that telescope shoot planet-destroying lazers? No? Then you’re fucked.

 

Goddamn you, Lars, and your ability to crush everyone’s souls. Although I wouldn’t say I “liked” his previous films, they have certainly had an impact on me. I really would like to say that Melancholia was actually two separate films, considering the difference in subject matter in each chapter, but I don’t think either would have the same impact were they not viewed together. At least in terms of visuals, especially with his work on Antichrist, I think von Trier is incredibly talented. Watching his take on the apocalyptic/sci-fi subject matter of this film, it reminded me of feelings I had when I first saw Danny Boyle’s foray into sci-fi with Sunshine. Even though the opening sequence didn’t have the same exact shots being recreated later in the film, it let you know the tone of the film with all of its strange, haunting, and surreal imagery. From lightning shooting off of Justine’s fingers to a horse sinking into the Earth, you knew that you were about to endure a slow struggle for happiness, that despite moments of happiness or excitement, these things were just harbingers of the eventual end of all things. The mixing of the sound is also something to make note of, as the musical segments of a wedding reception in Chapter 1 to the ominous, deafening, crushing sounds of a planet swooping past our own, only to slingshot back to completely destroy it. Pretty fucking intense stuff.

 

Whoops, forgot to mention this takes place on Tattooine. Hahaha, just kidding, Tattooine has two SUNS, not two MOONS you idiots!

 

Even after all the controversy at Cannes, Dunst was able to walk away with the Best Actress Award for her performance. While glancing over her filmography, I see that she’s been in multiple movies every single year since 1994, when she was 12 years old. Having seen her grow up on film, she’s always had the whole “girl next door” vibe to her, that is, if your next door neighbor was exceptionally attractive. It really wasn’t until Spider-Man in 2002 (where she played the girl next door who was exceptionally attractive) that she became a household name, and seems to have played that type of character ever since this. The first choice for the character of Justine and the actress who had helped develop the movie with von Trier was Penelope Cruz, who dropped out to do Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. I couldn’t help but watch every single scene thinking of how Cruz would have fared, and made me really want to see how that film would have turned out. Despite being constantly compared to another actress, I still think Dunst was able to stand out, even though she wasn’t necessarily stepping too far out of her comfort zone. The first half of the movie took you through a range of emotions, thinking everything from her being a self-centered bitch, to feeling sympathy for her sadness, to rage at cheating on her new husband, to pity on a character who was hellbent on self-destruction. The second half really belongs to Gainsbourg for showing the sympathetic vulnerability of a person who is willing to sacrifice themselves if it means helping someone they care about. Certainly a far stretch from her role in Antichrist and featured far less genital mutilation. The entire supporting cast was great also, from Sutherland, to Stellan Skarsgård who played Justine’s boss, to John Hurt as Justine and Claire’s father, and even the wedding planner, played by Udo Kier, was a hilarious juxtaposition from his typical roles of “scary German guy”.

 

Kirsten Dunst’s boobs and wolves. I know that’s what everybody came here for. I only mildly edited the original image, and I apologize for delving into the “NSFW” realm.

 

But the question remains: did any of this actually happen? Von Trier has said that the intent of his film was to examine the human psyche when confronted with disaster, and he himself was battling with depression while developing and making this film. Could one interpretation of what happens in the film be that Justine is so overwhelmed with sadness and depression that she manifests the end of the world herself? Maybe that “star” she saw at her wedding really was just a star, but through the events that transpired on her wedding night, she hoped for it to be another planet hurtling towards Earth. Some would argue that this could negate the whole point of the film, having it take place inside one character’s head, and other could argue this theory would only emphasize how omnipresent and powerful a force depression can be for someone. Something that could back that theory up has to do with a bit of dialogue that’s repeated multiple times. John’s character mentions there being 18 holes on his golf course a few times, yet when Claire realizes that Melancholia is going to hit Earth, she tries to escape on a golf cart with her son. Sadly, that golf cart stops working at hole 19. Is this symbolizing a break in reality? Is any of this actually happening? Do these events lose importance for the audience if it’s all happening in Justine’s head? I don’t think so. Whether you take this film in its most literal sense, which would be a group of characters last moments on Earth, or the more symbolic idea that depression can make someone feel like the world is ending and embraces that end with peace, I find it to be a powerful piece of work.  I wish I had seen this movie in 2011 so i could have included it in my list of favorite movies, but I guess it is stuck with this super-long review instead. Oh, and even though I liked it, it’s still no Armageddon. I mean, come on! Steve Buscemi AND Ben Affleck?! When Affleck is crying because Bruce Willis is staying on the meteor?! Now THAT is some fucking ART! That’s so much art that it makes Melancholia look like a piece of FART.

 

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Filed under 5 Stars, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , ,

The Worst Best of 2011 List

December 31, 2011 2 Comments

Make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, that I am by no means compiling a list of the best AND worst movies of 2011. Rather, this is probably the most half-assed, thrown together list of movies that kind of came out in 2011 you might see anywhere on the internet. I started trying to think of my top 5 horror movies to post at the end of the year, but couldn’t come up with any. I then decided to just do the top 3 horror movies, then remembered some good movies that weren’t horror, and thought of doing top 3 of each genre. I then looked up some of these movies on IMDb to realize that a lot of them technically came out at festivals or in limited release in 2010, and then all bets were off. Rather than try to compile all the films I wanted to make note of that had a wider release in 2011, I’m just make a shitload of lists, each list compiling of 1 movie and 1 movie only. Deal with it.

 

Best Movie where Ryan Gosling wears a Scorpion Jacket

Drive

I’m willing to bet that the winner of this category will cause the most controversy, especially considering the competition. I think that 2011 will go down in history as the year of Ryan Gosling, between Drive, Ides of March, Crazy Sexy Love, and Blue Valentine, everyone wanted to fuck him. I remember the good old days of watching Lars and the Real Girl and Half Nelson and thinking this guy was pretty awesome, so I’m glad he got some great roles and put in some great performances. From the soundtrack to the cinematography to the ensemble cast, this will probably be considered my favorite movie of the year.

Best Movie featuring a 30 Rock Cast Member in their Underwear

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

As far as the expectations to entertainment ratio, this is another winner. I knew nothing about it, other than it had a funny name, and I hadn’t even seen a trailer when I watched this movie. Maybe I’m idealizing the movie a little bit, considering everyone I have recommended this movie to has given it a resounding “meh”, I was thoroughly entertained by the melding of genres. Sure, it wasn’t actually scary at any moment, but the way it took advantage of typical horror movie segments and made fun of them was pretty funny to me. I was also glad to have a horror/comedy that wasn’t Scary Movie 11.

Best Love Story

Monsters

Maybe it’s a stretch to call this movie a love story, especially because the female was kind of sort of developing feelings for a guy who wasn’t her husband, but I couldn’t think of a funnier title. Although it’s called “Monsters”, we barely see the titular creatures and instead focused on two relative strangers trying to make their way from Point A to Point B without being killed by aliens. Even though the two characters develop a relationship and make their way to the destination, through a nice twist in editing, we learn that they are both killed shortly after their arrival. I mean, talk about ’til death do us part, am I right?! Whoops, spoiler alert, yeah they died.

Best Film featuring an Actor from Blade Runner

Hobo with a Shotgun

Finally someone has come to put Edward James Olmos in his place! This throwback to grindhouse splatter film with absurd plots managed to be original while also convincingly reminding you of an overlooked genre of film. I guess that depends on what you mean by “overlooked”, considering there really aren’t too many grindhouse films that I would consider “classics”, but certainly have a cult following. The opening credit sequence alone is enough to convince you the dedication the filmmakers had in recreating a specific style, no matter how drawn out and boring that opening credit sequence was.

Best Comic Book Movie

Captain America: The First Avenger

This wasn’t really too hard of a decision, considering there were four comic book movies that came out this year. Thor felt like the only reason it existed was to establish a two characters that were meant to play larger parts in the Avengers movie in 2012. Green Lantern attempted to cash in on one of its most popular characters, who also happens to be one of the ones who exists in a much larger scope than a lot of other DC or Marvel titles. Captain America was the only one I saw where I felt I could keep watching for a few more hours. All of his missions of Nazi ass-beatings were fun, because who doesn’t love seeing Nazis get their asses kicked? Sure, X-Men: First Class showed us what a young and pissed off  Magneto was capable of, and it was fun to see the X-Men in a completely different generation and all, but wasn’t as enjoyable a package (hehe, package) as Captain America was. I also think Chris Evans solidified himself as capable of playing every superhero, no matter who the publishing company is.

Best Movie about Hunting Trolls

Trollhunter

It’s been a hard few years for trolls, with the success of Troll 2 being a laughing-stock and the documentary about it, Best Worst Movie, showcasing its terrible-ness. How do you make trolls fun again? Let Norwegians make a movie about them! Clearly approaching this sci-fi/fantasy film with their tongues in their cheeks, the audience learned that not only are trolls real, but there is a government funded agency who are in charge of dispatching said trolls and blaming their havoc on bear attacks. This movie was a lot of fun, especially to see all the funny symbols people slip into their Norwegian names.

Best Metallica-related Anything

Hesher

Surprising to nobody, Metallica themselves are not responsible for producing anything entertaining. However, seeing Joseph Gordon Levitt as a nihilist metal enthusiast created feelings similar to those we have for Metallica; even though you resemble something we should relate to and enjoy, we hate you for everything you are. Jordo Gordo Levitt, as I call him, played the titular character “Hesher” in this film about losing what’s most important to you and having nothing to show for it. Whether it was your mother, wife, grandmother, or ideal woman, nothing in this movie was safe from destruction. Despite being included as one of my favorite movies of the year, this isn’t a movie I can ever see myself sitting down to watch again (or standing up to watch again, for that matter). With promotional materials implying Hesher could be something of a life coach to a young boy, he was nothing but a piece of shit, but a piece of shit that reminded us that no matter how bad life was, at least we’re still alive. Oh yeah, and the trailer for this movie was pretty awesome too.

Best Movie featuring Dwight Schrute crushing Skulls with a Monkey Wrench

Super

One of the most frustrating terms to hear, as a fan of both comedic films and films with dark subject matter, is the term “dark comedy”. To me, that’s typically an excuse people label their movie with when it’s not actually funny. “You didn’t laugh at my movie? Oh, well, it’s a dark comedy, so you probably didn’t get it.” Then comes along a movie like Super, which has depressingly crushing emotional moments, as well as hilarious comedic moments. In fact, some of these moments happen within the same scene, and you are laughing your balls off until you realize how sad and pathetic some of these character’s lives are. It was also nice to see Rainn Wilson as the leading man in a somewhat toned down version of his oddball sidekick schtick and prove that he’s capable of range in his characters and emotions. Ellen Page is also weirdly attractive in this movie, but I’m too afraid to think too much about her appeal right now.

Best “Wait, what movie are you talking about?” Movie

Paul

Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, voice of Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Jeffrey Tambor, Jane Lynch, Jason Bateman, Joe Lo Truglio, Sigourney Weaver, and Kristen Wiig all starred in a movie that was directed by Greg Mottola, who also brought us Superbad. HOW THE FUCK DID THIS MOVIE NOT RECEIVE MORE PRAISE?! It was made by nerds, for nerds, starring nerds, whose characters were nerds, making nerd references while at the biggest nerd convention in the country. It was clever, wacky, and made just enough subtle references to movies we all know and love without having to spoon feed them to you. I don’t know if it was poor timing as far as when it was released, which wouldn’t surprise me because I think I forgot about this movie a few times when thinking about my favorites of this year. This was some poseur Big Bang Theory nerd shit either, it was awesome. Go rent it now if you haven’t seen it, and go watch it again if you already have.

Best Movie to feature a Merkin (wig for your pubes)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Maybe I’m stretching a bit for making this a specific category, but because I didn’t include a review and only mentioned it in the SEND MORE COPS podcast, I didn’t want it to feel left out. The story of the pubes wig is that the character of Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) was written to be a girl with strawberry blonde hair who has dyed it black. If something seems odd about Lisbeth’s eyebrows, it’s because they are blonde and not black. This means that in a love scene between Lisbeth and Daniel Craig’s character where we see her, to use the grossest term ever, “pubic mound”, David Fincher wanted to make sure everyone knew the carpet matched the…eyebrows? Talk about detail! I’m assuming Rooney Mara brought this up in multiple interviews just so that she could, with subtlety of course, let America know she shaves her pubes. Otherwise she just could have bleached them, right? Is that how pubes work? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t gotten any yet.

This brings another year to an end here at The Wolfman Cometh. Before I let you guys go, I figured I’d post some stats for the year. Not specifically for this year, because that would take too much work, but some totals for the end of the year. Shut up.

ALL-TIME VIEWS: 246,112

BUSIEST DAY: 10/31/11 (2,401 views)

Top 5 Most Visited Posts

5) Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead – 4,689 views

4) A Nightmare on Elm Street – 4,904 views

3) Ultimate Hulk vs. Wolverine – 5,513 views

2) The Human Centipede (First Sequence) – 5,822 views

1) Insidious – 5,849 views

Top 5 Search Terms

5) Katrina Bowden – 1,354

4) Johnny Depp Nightmare on Elm St – 1,399

3) Wrong Turn 3 – 1,511

2) Michael Myers – 2,308

1) Wrong Turn – 2,850

Top 5 Viewed Images

5) “ultimate wolverine vs hulk ripping in two half”

4) “Wrong Turn 3 III Left for Dead Louise Cliffe bikini boobs”

3) “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Michael Cera Mary Elizabeth Winstead”

2) “Wormwood Gentleman Corpse Issue 0 Ben Templesmith”

1) “Stan Helsing Diora Baird Kenan Thompson Good Burger”

There’s other shit that I saw this year that I’m failing to remember, so you’re stuck with this list. I’d also like to point out that Hugo was pretty awesome, and one of the few movies I’ve seen where the 3D actually added to the film, rather than distract you from it. There’s  also a bunch of movies that came out this year that I’ve heard were good, but never got around too. I’m sure I’ll get to it eventually, but I remind you, I already said this list was going to be shitty, so stop complaining. Next year is going to be pretty huge as far as movies are concerned, between The Dark Knight Rises, Avengers, that Hobbit movie, and Prometheus, I see some awesome things to look forward to. I hope you enjoyed the rantings and ravings of mine in 2011, and look forward to you coming back in 2012. Don’t forget to go download and subscribe to SEND MORE COPS for even more Wolfman anger! Rot in Hell, everyone! Hail Satan!

Filed under Horror Film, Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Red State (2011)

December 20, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

Remember how a few reviews back I had mentioned Attack the Block and how I had a limited time frame when it came to watching it? Yeah, well, same goes for this movie. I had heard mixed reviews about Kevin Smith and his foray into a genre that was quite different from what gained him notoriety. I don’t want to say he delved into the “horror” genre, because when I first heard about this movie and the genre he claimed it fell under, he seemed to avoid lumping into the “horror” category. I’m not sure if this was to avoid people setting expectations at what the film would be early on, or maybe it was because he was nervous for claiming he made a horror movie, but either way, his publicity for this film seemed to change. This means the way I perceived the film changed as well, now that he had been calling it a “nasty-ass $4mil horror flick”. I have been putting this off and putting this off, but when I had seen his reactions on Twitter over the lack of nominations it had received with the Independent Spirit Awards, I wanted to see for myself if this tantrum was warranted or not. SO HERE WE FUCKING GO.

 

Wait a second, you’re trying to tell me that Kevin Smith put his wife in a movie? YA DON’T SAY!

 

As Travis (played by Michael Angarano, better known as the little kid from Almost Famous) is driven to school by his mom (played by Anna Gunn, better known as Skylar from Breaking Bad), they pass by a funeral being protested by members of an extreme religious sect known as the “Five Points Church”, which is led by Abin Cooper (played by Michael Parks, better known as that guy Quentin Tarantino loves to put in movies). When Travis meets up with his friends, Jarod (played by Kyle Gallner, better known as the kind of creepy kid from a shitload of movies but I remember from Veronica Mars) lets them know there is a woman he met online who promised to do all of them. Thinking this sounded like a great idea, the friends go to meet Sara (played by Melissa Leo, better known as the crazy mom in The Fighter), who end up drugging them and taking them hostage. When they come to, they realize they have been taken captive by Abin and the Five Points Church, and see someone attached to a cross get executed. Unfortunately for the church, these shenanigans don’t go on for too long before being discovered by the local police department, at which time the ATF is called in to take care of the situation.

 

A church based on high-fives? I’M IN. WHERE DO I SIGN UP AND WHO DO I MURDER?

 

The main ATF agent in charge of the raid is Keenan (played by John Goodman, better known as King Ralph) whose orders are to raid the complex and kill every witness. Having difficulties carrying out these orders, there’s a standoff between the agents and the church, that leaves deaths on both sides. Uncertain of which side will win, both sides are surprised at the sound of loud trumpet blasts, which the Five Points Church seems to interpret as God coming to kill all the bad guys. Having no fear of their salvation, they drop their guns and walk out of the complex to confront the ATF agents, and we then cut to see Keenan being interrogated by his superiors. Apparently the sounds that everyone was hearing were created by neighbors of the church who were playing a prank on the church, completely oblivious to the standoff. Rather than all the members of the church being killed, the important members are thrown in jail, where it is implied that their butts will be fucked repeatedly, which is probably something they won’t enjoy.

 

If you fuck up his cocoon, how do you expect him to turn into a butterfly?

 

After watching the movie, I completely understand why Kevin Smith was hesitant at first when calling it a horror movie. This film all too closely holds a mirror up to the state of this country and its religious fanatics that to call it a “horror movie” implies that everything in it is a work of fiction. Whether a horror movie is based on “true events” or claims to be “found footage”, we know it’s all fake and dramatized just to make us jump or get creeped out. Instead, it seems as though Red State is a far more subtle and subdued type of fear, because of how true to life it is. To anyone familiar with the terrible things that the Westboro Baptist Church has done and is capable of, tone it down just a tiny bit, and that’s how the Five Points Church is portrayed. never once do they act crazy or maniacal, because they are constantly portrayed as calm, rational people who actually think what they’re doing is right. I’m sure that a more appropriate genre could even be “drama”, but I can see how that would cause some controversies as well. And maybe it’s just because I watched the Bill Hicks documentary recently, but there also seemed to be quite a few similarities between Red State and the situation that happened in Waco, TX in the early 90′s. A guy was in a complex with a bunch of other people, doing things that the government didn’t want them to do, so the government just killed everyone.

 

This isn’t actually from Red State. This was the face John Goodman made when someone called him up to tell him what happened in the series finale of Roseanne.

 

Smith is known for his witty, clever, and oftentimes filthy dialogue, and don’t worry, you get plenty of that in this movie as well. Not to say at all that this movie is a comedy, but all of the humor in it is quite smart. I guess that’s kind of a strange thing about all of Smith’s movies, in that no matter how “dumb” a character is supposed to be, they still have some smart humor to them, almost making it seem like the Kevin Smith universe is something that’s…askew. Yes, you might say that there is something askew about his view…get it? Because his company is called View Askew? Oh man, that was great. Anyways, his dialogue is what made him famous, and it was nice to see his visual experiments with this film, being new to the genre and not really needing to adhere to his comedic style. For example, one shot/concept I was really impressed with was that one character was attached to a cross through the use of plastic wrap, and his head was ultimately covered as well. Once it was wrapped, a different character shot him in the head, and the plastic wrap caught all of the blood. To see the faceless head of this character slowly fill with blood was pretty cool, and was a relatively simple idea that didn’t rely on gore or special effects to be creepy.

 

I’d let this man do my taxes, Rapture or no Rapture.

 

So was Kevin Smith justified for going on Twitter and calling the Film Independent an “idiotic organization” for not nominating Melissa Leo, John Goodman, or Michael Parks? No, I can’t say that they deserve those nominations. This isn’t because I’m biased as to who was nominated, because I don’t even fucking know who else was nominated. Don’t get me wrong, Melissa Leo, John Goodman, and Michael Parks were all quite good in this film, in particular was Parks as the terrifying preacher. I think the reason I don’t think they necessarily deserve to be nominated is because their performances were too grounded in reality and were all too human, making it hard to stand out. Does that even make sense what I just said? I guess what I mean is that it didn’t seem that either of the three needed to work too hard to successfully portray their characters. Firstly, Melissa Leo didn’t really have enough screen time, in my opinion, to warrant a nomination. John Goodman played a government agent who didn’t want to kill an entire house full of people just because he was ordered to. I have a feeling that I would react the same exact way as his character would, so it seemed as though John Goodman was just playing himself and how any other human would react, but while wearing an ATF costume. And again, Michael Parks was good, but not mind-blowing, but this goes back to the idea that this film was all too real to be considered all that much of a stretch for any of the actors, and that these were watered-down performances of what the real members of the Westboro Baptist Church are capable of actually living. I didn’t want to give this movie too good of a review because my immediate feelings were underwhelmed and combined with the upset comments on Smith made on Twitter, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was being a baby. This movie might not give you nightmares, it might not make you fear a boogeyman, but this movie is hopefully a wake-up call to people who put too much faith in anything. Whether it be whatever God you worship, your government, or the girl who offers to fuck you and your friends after talking to her on the internet. If you think this movie is creepy, just keep in mind that this is a toned down version of the world we live in, we’re all fucked, are going to die, the government is lying to us, and there is no God. Sorry!

 

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Attack the Block (2011)

December 12, 2011 2 Comments

 

I only had a small chunk of time to watch this movie, and unfortunately, I think I missed it completely. What the fuck am I talking about? Well, hold on a second and I’ll tell you, you asshole. What I meant to say was that I heard about this movie back in the spring, the fact that it was produced by Edgar Wright, was sci-fi action horror comedy, and that it was getting good reviews. From there, I determined this would be a film I would like to see. I tried to track it down in a few ways, and kept hearing more and more positive things, until it was eventually released in a theater nearby. I watched the trailer and wasn’t too impressed, but I had heard so many good things, I figured I’d give it a shot. A combination of circumstances prevented me from catching the theatrical release, and I just kept hearing more and more about how good it was. Not wanting my opinion to be biased by all the positive hype it was getting, I tried to ignore it completely. When it was finally released on Blu-ray, it was a long wait on Netflix, but clearly it got to me eventually. As much as I wished I could view it on its own, oblivious to all other people’s opinions, I think I needed to wait a few more years to judge it on its own merit.

 

That guy in front is named “Moses”, and despite the religious implications, he is still a street thug who mugs people and deals drugs. So very, very likable.

 

I think that in the UK teenage punks who commit petty crimes are referred to as “hoods”. If anyone can confirm that, I would appreciate it, but even if they aren’t referred to as that in the UK, I’m going to refer to them as “hoods” in this review. Anyways, the film opens with a group of hoods mugging a woman, only to be interrupted by a car being hit by something falling from the sky. When the hoods investigate what it is, it turns out to be some creature that kind of looks like Mousers from the Ninja Turtles, except covered in fur and with bigger teeth. They bring the dead creature to their drug dealer, who it is assumed is who these hoods answer to. In the meantime, more and more of these impacts from the sky are noticed by people through the neighborhood, causing a little bit of worry amongst this gang. More and more aliens are on the loose, and these are bigger. For this group of hoods, it seems almost like the aliens are targeting them, which might just be because their neighborhood (or “block”, for the purposes of this film) is the only place they’re concerned with. It’s when these hoods go into a room with a shit ton of weed is being grown thanks to giant UV lamps that it is reveled that one of the hoods is covered in something, presumably something he got covered with while killing the first creature. When this hood realizes he’s the one that caused of all this to happen, he takes it upon himself to give detailed instructions on how to create an explosion, using himself as bait, to much success. When all the creatures are dead, the police take him away because he is still wanted for being a little asshole thief drug dealer.

 

This reminds me of the place where I used to play lazer tag. You saw all the shit in someone’s teeth and all the sperm on their clothes. Or you could see the shit on someone’s clothes and the sperm in their teeth.

 

Stupid goddamn hype machine! I went into this movie thinking it would be the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen, so obviously I was upset over the fact that no, it was NOT the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen. Do you remember way back up at the top where I said that I thought this was going to be a sci-fi action horror comedy? Well, it was some of that, but not quite all of it. It was definitely a sci-fi action movie, but to say it fits it should ever be categorized as “horror” or “comedy” wouldn’t be correct. Of course, there are quite a few comedic elements, but aren’t there a lot of action movies with comedic moments? Same thing with the horror aspect, that it wasn’t too scary as you were waiting for the creatures to attack, but there were a few thrills and a few gruesome shots. Regardless of all this genre talk, I think that thing that prevented me from enjoying this movie too much was that I didn’t like any of the characters. I’m sure some people will argue that my summary of what happens is a little too simplified, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. It’s a group of punk kids who think they are badass for mugging a woman, and I’m supposed to give a shit that when THEY kill an alien, the aliens fight back? Or that the woman they originally mugged gets involved with the hoods and they say things like “If we had known you lived here, we wouldn’t have mugged you,” like it makes up for anything? No, they were little punks and sure, they saved some people’s lives by the end of the movie, but I’m not mad that the cops took them away at the end.

 

A little bit furry, a little bit Mouser, and a little bit of a Langolier. Yeah, that’s right, starring Balki from “Perfect Strangers” kind of Langoliers.

 

Once I overcame the fact that I didn’t really like any of the characters, except for the one played by Nick Frost, and got over the fact that this was neither all that horrific or all that comedic, I started to enjoy it a lot more. I think what I enjoyed most about this movie was just the overall visual style that director Joe Cornish used. One thing of note was the creatures themselves, which despite my comedic description, were actually pretty fear-inducing. This is mostly credited to their teeth, which seemed to glow a weird neon turquoise, and those teeth were just fucking giant. Even though the creatures themselves were a very dark black or were hiding in the dark, seeing nothing of them other than giant fucking glowing teeth was pretty cool. Cornish also able to use an in-plot device to get some pretty cool shots. I can’t quite remember why everyone was shooting fireworks throughout the whole movie, but they were, which meant that some of the hoods had plenty of fireworks that they used to startle the aliens. This led to some pretty cool shots involved fireworks and the smoke created by those fireworks, and you can imagine that combining some smoke with glowing teeth got some pretty cool shots. If you’re looking for horror comedy, try something like Evil Dead. If you’re looking for a fun, original sci-fi adventure where you might not like all of the characters but will tolerate them because of some comedic moments, then check out Attack the Block.

 

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American: The Bill Hicks Story (2009)

November 29, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

Wait a second, isn’t this a documentary? It is! It is a fucking documentary! How the fuck do you review a documentary?! I think I only reviewed one other documentary, which was Exit Through the Gift Shop, and that was probably just because I was so excited to tell other people about it. I’ve watched quite a few documentaries since doing this blog, but clearly don’t review many. The first reason why I don’t really review them is because the content is typically something of fact, and it’s hard to critique facts. If I watch something about Abraham Lincoln and talk a whole bunch of shit about the Emancipation Proclamation, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. For the record, I wouldn’t talk shit on it, it was just the first example that came to mind. I can’t really argue that he only freed the slaves because of how popular Paranormal Activity was or some bullshit like that. The second reason is that I feel all documentaries are essentially persuasive essays, or an op-ed piece. Someone will take a point that they want to get across, they use research, facts, and editing to put their argument together to convince the audience of what that point is. No matter how political or mundane the documentary might be, there is a message they’re trying to get across. Even something like The King of Kong, about a guy trying to get the all time top score on Donkey Kong, portrays a clear underdog and a huge egotistical dick as his enemy, yet after the film’s release, both parties came out and admitted things were dramatized for entertainment’s sake. So why did I decide to review this documentary? Well because it pissed me the fuck off, that’s why.

 

So wait, Bill Hicks wasn’t always wearing weird turtlenecks and shit?

 

Bill Hicks grew up in a few places before settling in Houston, TX. His friends loved comedy, and Bill made his way to performing stand-up as early as the age of 15. Despite partaking in a heavy amount of hallucinogenics, Bill didn’t lose sight of what he wanted, and was able to move to L.A. to further pursue his career in comedy. Hicks found some success, but also found lots of rejection with his writing. Feeling defeated, Hicks moved back to Houston where he started drinking, leading to alcohol abuse. Despite being intelligent and entertaining, his stage antics caused a fallout amongst his friends and fellow performers, leading to his stint in rehab. Once cleaned up, he had refocused all of his energy on comedy and his peers considered him to be at the top of his game. Unfortunately, a lot of his material involved religion in politics, as well as commenting on the sad state of the American population. Despite being regarded as one of the most talented comedians of his time, he was never accepted by a mainstream audience, causing more feelings of defeat. Hicks found lots of success in the UK, being an American whose material spoke out about America, only to return to the United States and have his material frowned upon. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which is when he went even further into his frustrations with America, the press, and broadcast television. His last tour had a lot less humor, but a lot more honesty, and Hicks seemed to embrace death as an inevitability, until he passed away in 1994 at the age of 32.

 

Shitty photo of Hicks or a good photo that was intentionally made to look shitty for the artistic goals of the documentary? YOU DECIDE!

 

Unfortunately, this was a pretty shitty documentary. It could be argued that the movie fails because of the facts it represents, but I’ll get to that in a moment. The biggest flaw would be the visual style that was used to “recreate” moments from the past. There wasn’t that much video of Hicks when he was young, so they instead chose to use motion graphics to give some sort of energy to photos of him. What does that mean? Well, it means they would take a picture of Hicks, cut everything out around him, then put that picture in the front seat of a car, and animate the car to show him driving somewhere. It looks like someone who was a huge fan of Saul Bass trying to emulate his style, but it was done poorly and looked more like an episode of South Park. After tolerating that for the first 20 minutes or so, a lot more actual footage was used, and it was enjoyable for about 45 minutes. The last 20 minutes reverted back towards the South Park style, and it looked like shit again. The filmmakers had interviewed people whose voices were used to narrate over some of the animated sequences, yet we don’t see these people until the very end of the film. I guess I can appreciate the attempt at making a documentary in a different style, it’s just disappointing to see that syle being done so poorly. Anyone remember that show on MTV called BIORhythm, where they used pictures and played music instead of having a voice over? It looked a lot like that, and that show got canceled for a reason. And now that there was a documentary about Bill Hicks, we’re going to have to wait years and years before another one comes out that will hopefully accomplish more than this film did.

 

There’s that crazy 90′s fashion I was looking for!

 

The story of Bill Hicks might not seem that exciting, compared to any number of other comedians who have had documentaries about them, but what was exceptional about Hicks was the content of all his materia. By no means was he the first angry comic, and you could trace his influences to influences to influences, but I feel his style really impacted any number of more popular “angry” comedians today. He talked about every subject on stage with as much passion as any other topic, whether it be a rant about his frustrations with the Catholic church, to a stories involving dicks, to a story about his taking hallucinogenics that had no punchline. it wasn’t his job to make you laugh, because he made you work for the joke. If you understood what he was saying and found the punchline, good for you, but he wasn’t going to hold your hand through the process, and if you didn’t get the joke, then that’s your problem. An acquaintance in college used to always say Bill Hicks was his favorite comedian, and I didn’t think that guy was funny, so I ignored him. Only now, years later, do I truly understand how big of an impact he has had on stand-up comedy, and it’s too bad that he died so young, and without more people realizing his talent.

 

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Monster House (2006)

October 24, 2011 Leave a Comment

 

Back when I was a projectionist, the trailer for this movie annoyed the FUCK out of me. It started with that little girl singing, and I always had to listen to the very beginning of trailers to make sure everything sounded right. Because of that annoyance, I had a negative opinion of this movie. That all changed the moment I saw this photo:

In case you don’t know what this is a picture of, these are my friends Lazer and Steve-O Beevo. The story behind this picture is that, considering I was working at a movie theater and would get movie shirts to wear. The box was kept in the projection booth, so I had easy access to all of this cool swag. Lazer had mentioned how much Beevo enjoyed this movie, and I’m sure you can figure out where this story is going. I sent the shirts, with the only stipulation being I had to get a picture of these two wearing these XL sized shirts. Based on Beevo’s great taste, I had no other choice but to watch this movie. This movie taught me an important lesson: ALWAYS TRUST STEVE-O BEEVO.

 

A bunch of fucking perverts if you ask me.

 

There’s always that one creepy house that all the kids in the neighborhood is afraid of, and in this cartoon, that’s no different. DJ, voiced by Mitchel Musso, has noticed the crazy old man who lives in the creepy house across the street. Through some surveillance, DJ discovers that it’s not only toys that disappear from this creepy house, but also kids. With his best friend Chowder, voiced by Sam Werner, the two set off to figure out what’s going on. While exploring, they startle the old man who lives there, voiced by Steve Buscemi, and when he confronts the kids, he has a heart attack and seemingly dies. This might seem scary, but this affords the kids an opportunity to go inside. Through the help of some of the teenagers in the area and hearing their stories, as well as their new-found love interest Jenny, voiced by Spencer Locke, they are finally able to infiltrate the house successfully. They find that it’s almost as if the house is alive, which means there’s a way to kill it. The further they explore, they eventually find a large woman who is seemingly cased in concrete. At this time, the old man who lived there shows up, because he’s not dead, and tells the story of the house. Turns out that he used to live there with his very obese wife, and while building the house, she accidentally became encased in concrete. Her spirit is what caused the house to attack passersby because of her wrongful death, and it’s been the old man yelling at everyone in hopes of protecting them. He can’t leave the house, because it’s the embodiment of his wife, and he loves the house. Eventually, the house realizes the kids are trying to destroy it, which leads to the house uprooting itself and chases them to a construction yard. Luckily, DJ is able to blow the house up with dynamite, which frees all of the neighborhood kids of their fear, and the old man of his responsibilities as he gives back all the toys that the house confiscated. DJ and Chowder then have enough time to go trick or treating, because after all, it’s Halloween!

 

HAHAHA THE BABYSITTER’S BOYFRIEND DRESSES LIKE ME!

 

If you hadn’t seen this movie before, would you automatically think, based on the description, that it was a cartoon? And the weird thing is, the filmmakers had to make changes to ALLOW it to be PG. If they had kept the film the way they intended, it wouldn’t have even gotten a PG rating. The film had to include a sequence of the characters who had been “eaten” by the house emerging from the house alive and well to make the cut. There are plenty of segments that are intense and way too scary for kids, and considering that this movie doesn’t really dumb things down for kids is what makes it so much fun. Sure, there is physical comedy in it that’s silly and there’s a scene where Jenny points at an object and says it’s the house’s uvula, causing Chowder to respond with “Ohhhh…so it’s a GIRL house”, which is still pretty mature weiner/vagina humor for the intended audience. I think one of the cooler things about this movie was something I didn’t learn until watching the special features. This movie was filmed with actors wearing motion capture suits, and those motions were then animated with the character designs later on. Not really that new of technology, and plenty of movies before this had used it. The cool thing about this one was that after every scene was animated, the filmmakers had a device that acted as a handheld camera, which would then allow them to move the camera around in different ways for each different scene. Did that make sense? They would create a 3D environment using the motion-capture technology, cover everything in the character and object’s “skin”, and they could treat each scene as an actual environment that someone could move around in with a handheld camera, as opposed to things always being on tripods. I might not be making sense in my description, and I don’t care, because the results show fluid animation with an added touch of “realism” that gave you an animated movie that didn’t feel animated. I definitely recommend anybody to check this out, as it’s definitely one of my favorite Halloween movies that is supposedly for kids.

 

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The Lovely Bones (2009)

October 22, 2011 3 Comments

 

 

Did I give a shit about this movie when it came out? NOPE. Did I read this book or give a shit about that? NOPE. Why did I watch this movie, that didn’t really have any financial or critical success, years after it was released? Well, once again, it all comes back to Ryan Gosling. While discussing the works of Ryan Gosling with a coworker, they had mentioned that he was the original choice to be in this movie in Mark Wahlberg’s role. Unfortunately for Gosling, he got too fat and beardy and was no longer allowed to be in the movie, and was replaced by Wahlberg who had recently finished filming “The Happening”. HAHAHA, remember that movie? That sucked. Anyways, considering I am a fan of Peter Jackson and I knew this had something to do with ghosts or something I figured I’d give it a shot. Plus, ya gotta love that Stanley Tucci! Remember when he was in “The Core”? Yeah, I do, he was awesome.

 

Don’t take that hat off! You’ll turn blonde and then Eric Bana will turn you into an elite killer!

 

In the opening moments of the movie, we know that Susie Salmon, played by Saoirse Ronan, is killed in this movie. We also quickly learn that Stanley Tucci’s character is the reason she is dead, because he is a creepy pervert weirdo who invited her into some playhouse dungeon thing. Susie doesn’t quite realize that she’s dead, because she seems to be tripping her balls off in some fantasy land with another girl her age. We see the Salmon family dealing with the fact that she has disappeared and that there aren’t any suspects. Mark Wahlberg, who plays the father, continues to push and push and push the police into finding suspects, which drives his wife, played by Rachel Weisz, to leave him. Susie seems to come to terms with and realize that she is dead and that she won’t remember to the people she loves, but builds some sort of connection to them. Throughout her family’s day, they get weird feelings and experiences that seem to lead towards the realization that the neighbor, Stanley Tucci, is the one responsible. When enough evidence is collected towards Tucci, he realizes he needs to destroy the evidence, so he ditches Susie’s body, which has been in a safe in his basement whole time. He destroys the evidence and skips town and is never brought to justice by the police. In the wake of Susie’s death and her father’s acceptance of her death, his wife and the rest of the Salmon family build a stronger relationship together, so Susie has some monologue about her death built “lovely bones” that connected her family. Oh yeah, then Stanley Tucci falls off of a cliff.

 

Too much hair vs. not enough hair. WHO SHALL BE DECLARED WINNER! Probably not enough hair wins, because his daughter wasn’t killed.

 

Considering this was based on a book, I don’t really know who to blame for what the fuck was going on in this movie. I’m sure it was intended to be two linked concepts, with the investigative end being one plot and Susie’s strange time in whatever kind of purgatory place she was in, but I couldn’t really connect with either story being told. I could get more interested in the investigative side of Wahlberg finding clues and leads that would bring the killer to justice, but considering we knew it was Stanley Tucci the whole time, it wasn’t too fulfilling. The other shit that was going on wasn’t at all interesting to me, about a teenage girl accepting death and reflecting on her life or something? I guess that Peter Jackson’s involvement made me assume that the fantasy end of things would be a lot more unique or at least visually stimulating, but nothing really happened in that “world” of note. I can see how in the book, if the investigation aspect was dragged out for longer, you would get more invested in wanting the killer to be found and how that desire would tear the family apart, and how that would make the ending feel a little bit better, but I have no clue if that’s what the book did. If you liked the book, you can probably skip this, and if you like ghost stories, then DEFINITELY skip this, and instead just write some erotic Ryan Gosling fan fiction.

 

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Nerds + Nerds – Nerds vs. Nerds = NERDS

October 20, 2011 Leave a Comment

I’ll admit that the subject of this post doesn’t really make any sense. After my time at the Music Box Massacre over the weekend, and seeing how many horror nerds are also comic book nerds, it reminded me of how many people I know love horror movies and enjoy comics. Strangely, I thought about the fact that I know people who like comic books but hate horror movies, which I thought was interesting. I put the question out on Twitter to see if there were any horror movie fans who hated comics, and there wasn’t really an overwhelming response. Instead, I questioned why I gave a shit about what different “nerds” like and came to the realization that there are a shitload of nerds who like a shitload of nerdy things. Also, I’d say that the term “nerd” is quite subjective and is going to mean a lot of different things to different people. For example, I’m sure lots of people think that loving Star Wars is something to be considered quite nerdy, until you think about the fact that it is one of the most successful film franchises of all-time. Can that be nerdy? What about comic books, which is an industry that has had peaks and valleys in popularity through the past few decades, and I’m willing to bet if you took a sample of people on the street, the majority would be those who haven’t read a comic book. Then again, this year alone there were FOUR big budget summer movies about comic book characters, add to all of the other TV shows, cartoons, and videogames that are prevalent in our society that center around comic book characters. I feel like maybe the term “nerd” doesn’t necessarily apply to the content of one’s obsession, but rather the fact that the obsession exists in the first place. I’m sure that athletes aren’t necessarily considered nerds, but it’s entirely possible for someone to be obsessed with collecting a team’s merchandise and knowing every statistic about them ever, which I would say makes them a football nerd or hockey nerd. I think I’m getting a little off-topic from what my original question was: why do so many horror nerds love comics?

This is such a stupid fucking question to waste my time thinking about it. I came to my own conclusions after some deep soul-searching and came to the realization that things that are considered “nerdy” are typically things whose popularity lies in subcultures, as opposed to the majority of any population. I’m sure that if you asked someone whether or not they have heard of things like comic books, Star Wars, Star Trek, dinosaurs, robots, toys, Dr. Who, or horror movies, 99% would say yes. However, the individuals who take these subjects to an “obsessive” level aren’t your average person. These people seem to adhere to the belief that the things they like are better than things that other people like, almost in a sense of misguided pride over what they enjoy. Not only does this sense of pride lead to disliking things that are more popular, like sports or action movies, but even amongst other subcultures. Think about the rivalry between Star Trek and Star Wars fans, always claiming one is better than the other. Who gives a shit? Different people like different things for different reasons, so if it isn’t hurting anyone, let everyone obsess over what makes them happy. This misguided sense of pride and accomplishment over finding something to obsess over also causes a sense of elitism towards someone who is new to the subject. The stereotype of “comic book guy” being intimidating to your average comic book store owner is a tangible example, because I’ve met that guy, and I hate that guy. Was everyone who likes something nerdy born knowing everything about that subject? No, you weren’t, because at some point you were the one new to that thing. Why can’t you just be excited that there is someone trying to learn about something you already know so much about, and share the wealth?

One last time, back to what my original question was. Why do horror nerds like comics so much, or at least tolerate them? Well, maybe it’s just because it’s one more nerdy thing to like. Not all of the pride felt over enjoying something that is mostly enjoyed by the minority is negative, because it sometimes results in wanting to share what you love with other people. I am a pretty boring person, and most of the conversations I engage in lead to either horror movies, comic books, Star Wars or sharks. I have shirts with those things on them, I talk about them online, and I have this shit all over our apartment (sorry Rampaige). I’m sure plenty of people listen to me and then try to forget what I was saying, but I also know for a fact that my talking about these things has caused people to actively seek out a comic or a movie and really enjoy these things. We are getting a lot better in our society for accepting people for their beliefs and lifestyles, and I feel it’s the same with nerds. There are movies (like Fanboys, which is awesome) and TV shows (like The Big Bang Theory, which is fucking horrible and one of the worst shows on television) about people who love and obsess over nerdy things, and these movies and shows are successful. Listen, if you love something, no matter how nerdy or how plain it might be, just support it, and support the people who support it, and support the people who don’t support it, and support the people who create it, so that there’s more of it. The more we ostracize others, no matter what their tastes, the more negative energy is being put into something that should be making you happy. Read comics. Watch horror movies. Play sports. Do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy, and stop judging everyone else for liking things that are different from what you like, or talking shit on people who like things that you like, but they like them differently than you do.

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Abduction movie poster: negating Art and/or Science since 2011

September 23, 2011 5 Comments

Well of course I won’t be seeing this movie. What are you, an idiot? I think I accidentally saw the trailer and it looked terrible, and it really just seems to be the studio trying to cash in on the fact that this Taylor Lautner fellow was in Twilight, and this guy thinks he can have a career other than those movies. Hey, whatever a guy’s gotta do to make a living. I understand that this movie is for teenagers, so obviously I had no interest in it at all, but after spending some time looking at the poster, I now just hate everyone involved with making this movie. Before I go any further, take a look:

I guess it’s pretty typical of a shitty action movie aimed at teenagers. There’s a scene in the trailer involving this guy sliding down a glass window, so obviously they’ve incorporated those images, and arbitrarily threw more buildings into the background. Just so I don’t give the wrong idea, I have no sort of degree in art or any qualifications to judge art or graphic design, but I do remember an art class I had in high school about adding depth to scenes we drew. What you could do is add a “vanishing point” the an image, and as long as all horizontal lines “vanish” into that one point, BOOM, instant depth. I’m going to show you where the horizontal lines are headed in the poster, so we can try to figure out it’s vanishing point.

There are three obvious lines coming from two different buildings on opposite sides of the image, causing the vanishing point to be somewhere behind the actor. Still with me? Okay, good. Now let me point out two other important things in the image.

We have the underside of a helicopter, and we have a strong light source, which I’m assuming is the Sun. What does it all mean? Well, when you combine this information, the vanishing point, Sun, and helicopter this shows that the background of the image is intended to be the view of someone looking straight up. Who cares? Well, let’s take a look at the foreground image:

You can see that Lautner is traveling down the side of the building, that combined with the angle of the glass he’s sliding down, makes him appear to be sliding down and to the right. Seems pretty stupid, but why does this defy the laws of physics? Well, this means that combined with the vanishing point, helicopter, and Sun, were we to look at this scene from a different angle, it would look something more like this:

Doesn’t really seem to make any sense, does it? Also, let’s keep in mind that this is what he would be doing if the diagonal edge is the very top of the building. It couldn’t be the middle of the building, because we don’t see the rest of the building sticking up behind him. If it’s not the very top of the building, I suppose it could be part of the building that sticks out from the rest, and everything above the part of the building he is sliding on obstructs everything that extends higher above it. If that’s the case, the profile of the building would look like this:

Yes, this means that, given the composition of the background, combined with what’s going on in the foreground, it’s entirely possible that this individual is somehow effortlessly clinging, upside-down, to the sheer surface of the building, with more lateral motion than there are gravitational forces being exerted upon him. Is that the only answer? No, not at all! What else could all of this shit add up to? Oh, I don’t know, maybe EVERY FUCKING PERSON INVOLVED IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE BEING MADE GAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT HOW IT WAS MARKETED, AS LONG AS YOU HAD THE GUY FROM TWILIGHT DOING SOMETHING EXCITING IN THE FOREGROUND. I mean, I recognize the image in the foreground, since it’s from the trailer, and I understand that in the trailer he’s NOT defying gravity, so it seems someone just cropped, copied, and pasted that image on top of the Google results for “shiny buildings and a helicopter”. God fucking dammit. Why does this shit piss me off so much? Probably because the person responsible got paid more money for creating this one image, that negates both physics and artistic perception, than I will in a whole month. Hopefully this lackadaisical approach to poster making will convince everyone in the world to see anything other than this movie.

Filed under Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , ,

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