Attack the Block (2011) [REVIEW]

December 12, 2011 2 Comments

I only had a small chunk of time to watch this movie, and unfortunately, I think I missed it completely. What the fuck am I talking about? Well, hold on a second and I’ll tell you, you asshole. What I meant to say was that I heard about this movie back in the spring, the fact that it was produced by Edgar Wright, was sci-fi action horror comedy, and that it was getting good reviews. From there, I determined this would be a film I would like to see. I tried to track it down in a few ways, and kept hearing more and more positive things, until it was eventually released in a theater nearby. I watched the trailer and wasn’t too impressed, but I had heard so many good things, I figured I’d give it a shot. A combination of circumstances prevented me from catching the theatrical release, and I just kept hearing more and more about how good it was. Not wanting my opinion to be biased by all the positive hype it was getting, I tried to ignore it completely. When it was finally released on Blu-ray, it was a long wait on Netflix, but clearly it got to me eventually. As much as I wished I could view it on its own, oblivious to all other people’s opinions, I think I needed to wait a few more years to judge it on its own merit.

That guy in front is named “Moses”, and despite the religious implications, he is still a street thug who mugs people and deals drugs. So very, very likable.

I think that in the UK teenage punks who commit petty crimes are referred to as “hoods”. If anyone can confirm that, I would appreciate it, but even if they aren’t referred to as that in the UK, I’m going to refer to them as “hoods” in this review. Anyways, the film opens with a group of hoods mugging a woman, only to be interrupted by a car being hit by something falling from the sky. When the hoods investigate what it is, it turns out to be some creature that kind of looks like Mousers from the Ninja Turtles, except covered in fur and with bigger teeth. They bring the dead creature to their drug dealer, who it is assumed is who these hoods answer to. In the meantime, more and more of these impacts from the sky are noticed by people through the neighborhood, causing a little bit of worry amongst this gang. More and more aliens are on the loose, and these are bigger. For this group of hoods, it seems almost like the aliens are targeting them, which might just be because their neighborhood (or “block”, for the purposes of this film) is the only place they’re concerned with. It’s when these hoods go into a room with a shit ton of weed is being grown thanks to giant UV lamps that it is reveled that one of the hoods is covered in something, presumably something he got covered with while killing the first creature. When this hood realizes he’s the one that caused of all this to happen, he takes it upon himself to give detailed instructions on how to create an explosion, using himself as bait, to much success. When all the creatures are dead, the police take him away because he is still wanted for being a little asshole thief drug dealer.

This reminds me of the place where I used to play lazer tag. You saw all the shit in someone’s teeth and all the sperm on their clothes. Or you could see the shit on someone’s clothes and the sperm in their teeth.

Stupid goddamn hype machine! I went into this movie thinking it would be the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen, so obviously I was upset over the fact that no, it was NOT the greatest fucking thing I had ever seen. Do you remember way back up at the top where I said that I thought this was going to be a sci-fi action horror comedy? Well, it was some of that, but not quite all of it. It was definitely a sci-fi action movie, but to say it fits it should ever be categorized as “horror” or “comedy” wouldn’t be correct. Of course, there are quite a few comedic elements, but aren’t there a lot of action movies with comedic moments? Same thing with the horror aspect, that it wasn’t too scary as you were waiting for the creatures to attack, but there were a few thrills and a few gruesome shots. Regardless of all this genre talk, I think that thing that prevented me from enjoying this movie too much was that I didn’t like any of the characters. I’m sure some people will argue that my summary of what happens is a little too simplified, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. It’s a group of punk kids who think they are badass for mugging a woman, and I’m supposed to give a shit that when THEY kill an alien, the aliens fight back? Or that the woman they originally mugged gets involved with the hoods and they say things like “If we had known you lived here, we wouldn’t have mugged you,” like it makes up for anything? No, they were little punks and sure, they saved some people’s lives by the end of the movie, but I’m not mad that the cops took them away at the end.

A little bit furry, a little bit Mouser, and a little bit of a Langolier. Yeah, that’s right, starring Balki from “Perfect Strangers” kind of Langoliers.

Once I overcame the fact that I didn’t really like any of the characters, except for the one played by Nick Frost, and got over the fact that this was neither all that horrific or all that comedic, I started to enjoy it a lot more. I think what I enjoyed most about this movie was just the overall visual style that director Joe Cornish used. One thing of note was the creatures themselves, which despite my comedic description, were actually pretty fear-inducing. This is mostly credited to their teeth, which seemed to glow a weird neon turquoise, and those teeth were just fucking giant. Even though the creatures themselves were a very dark black or were hiding in the dark, seeing nothing of them other than giant fucking glowing teeth was pretty cool. Cornish also able to use an in-plot device to get some pretty cool shots. I can’t quite remember why everyone was shooting fireworks throughout the whole movie, but they were, which meant that some of the hoods had plenty of fireworks that they used to startle the aliens. This led to some pretty cool shots involved fireworks and the smoke created by those fireworks, and you can imagine that combining some smoke with glowing teeth got some pretty cool shots. If you’re looking for horror comedy, try something like Evil Dead. If you’re looking for a fun, original sci-fi adventure where you might not like all of the characters but will tolerate them because of some comedic moments, then check out Attack the Block.

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American: The Bill Hicks Story (2009) [REVIEW]

November 29, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Wait a second, isn’t this a documentary? It is! It is a fucking documentary! How the fuck do you review a documentary?! I think I only reviewed one other documentary, which was Exit Through the Gift Shop, and that was probably just because I was so excited to tell other people about it. I’ve watched quite a few documentaries since doing this blog, but clearly don’t review many. The first reason why I don’t really review them is because the content is typically something of fact, and it’s hard to critique facts. If I watch something about Abraham Lincoln and talk a whole bunch of shit about the Emancipation Proclamation, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. For the record, I wouldn’t talk shit on it, it was just the first example that came to mind. I can’t really argue that he only freed the slaves because of how popular Paranormal Activity was or some bullshit like that. The second reason is that I feel all documentaries are essentially persuasive essays, or an op-ed piece. Someone will take a point that they want to get across, they use research, facts, and editing to put their argument together to convince the audience of what that point is. No matter how political or mundane the documentary might be, there is a message they’re trying to get across. Even something like The King of Kong, about a guy trying to get the all time top score on Donkey Kong, portrays a clear underdog and a huge egotistical dick as his enemy, yet after the film’s release, both parties came out and admitted things were dramatized for entertainment’s sake. So why did I decide to review this documentary? Well because it pissed me the fuck off, that’s why.

 

So wait, Bill Hicks wasn’t always wearing weird turtlenecks and shit?

 

Bill Hicks grew up in a few places before settling in Houston, TX. His friends loved comedy, and Bill made his way to performing stand-up as early as the age of 15. Despite partaking in a heavy amount of hallucinogenics, Bill didn’t lose sight of what he wanted, and was able to move to L.A. to further pursue his career in comedy. Hicks found some success, but also found lots of rejection with his writing. Feeling defeated, Hicks moved back to Houston where he started drinking, leading to alcohol abuse. Despite being intelligent and entertaining, his stage antics caused a fallout amongst his friends and fellow performers, leading to his stint in rehab. Once cleaned up, he had refocused all of his energy on comedy and his peers considered him to be at the top of his game. Unfortunately, a lot of his material involved religion in politics, as well as commenting on the sad state of the American population. Despite being regarded as one of the most talented comedians of his time, he was never accepted by a mainstream audience, causing more feelings of defeat. Hicks found lots of success in the UK, being an American whose material spoke out about America, only to return to the United States and have his material frowned upon. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which is when he went even further into his frustrations with America, the press, and broadcast television. His last tour had a lot less humor, but a lot more honesty, and Hicks seemed to embrace death as an inevitability, until he passed away in 1994 at the age of 32.

 

Shitty photo of Hicks or a good photo that was intentionally made to look shitty for the artistic goals of the documentary? YOU DECIDE!

 

Unfortunately, this was a pretty shitty documentary. It could be argued that the movie fails because of the facts it represents, but I’ll get to that in a moment. The biggest flaw would be the visual style that was used to “recreate” moments from the past. There wasn’t that much video of Hicks when he was young, so they instead chose to use motion graphics to give some sort of energy to photos of him. What does that mean? Well, it means they would take a picture of Hicks, cut everything out around him, then put that picture in the front seat of a car, and animate the car to show him driving somewhere. It looks like someone who was a huge fan of Saul Bass trying to emulate his style, but it was done poorly and looked more like an episode of South Park. After tolerating that for the first 20 minutes or so, a lot more actual footage was used, and it was enjoyable for about 45 minutes. The last 20 minutes reverted back towards the South Park style, and it looked like shit again. The filmmakers had interviewed people whose voices were used to narrate over some of the animated sequences, yet we don’t see these people until the very end of the film. I guess I can appreciate the attempt at making a documentary in a different style, it’s just disappointing to see that syle being done so poorly. Anyone remember that show on MTV called BIORhythm, where they used pictures and played music instead of having a voice over? It looked a lot like that, and that show got canceled for a reason. And now that there was a documentary about Bill Hicks, we’re going to have to wait years and years before another one comes out that will hopefully accomplish more than this film did.

 

There’s that crazy 90′s fashion I was looking for!

 

The story of Bill Hicks might not seem that exciting, compared to any number of other comedians who have had documentaries about them, but what was exceptional about Hicks was the content of all his materia. By no means was he the first angry comic, and you could trace his influences to influences to influences, but I feel his style really impacted any number of more popular “angry” comedians today. He talked about every subject on stage with as much passion as any other topic, whether it be a rant about his frustrations with the Catholic church, to a stories involving dicks, to a story about his taking hallucinogenics that had no punchline. it wasn’t his job to make you laugh, because he made you work for the joke. If you understood what he was saying and found the punchline, good for you, but he wasn’t going to hold your hand through the process, and if you didn’t get the joke, then that’s your problem. An acquaintance in college used to always say Bill Hicks was his favorite comedian, and I didn’t think that guy was funny, so I ignored him. Only now, years later, do I truly understand how big of an impact he has had on stand-up comedy, and it’s too bad that he died so young, and without more people realizing his talent.

 

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Monster House (2006) [REVIEW]

October 24, 2011 Leave a comment

 

Back when I was a projectionist, the trailer for this movie annoyed the FUCK out of me. It started with that little girl singing, and I always had to listen to the very beginning of trailers to make sure everything sounded right. Because of that annoyance, I had a negative opinion of this movie. That all changed the moment I saw this photo:

In case you don’t know what this is a picture of, these are my friends Lazer and Steve-O Beevo. The story behind this picture is that, considering I was working at a movie theater and would get movie shirts to wear. The box was kept in the projection booth, so I had easy access to all of this cool swag. Lazer had mentioned how much Beevo enjoyed this movie, and I’m sure you can figure out where this story is going. I sent the shirts, with the only stipulation being I had to get a picture of these two wearing these XL sized shirts. Based on Beevo’s great taste, I had no other choice but to watch this movie. This movie taught me an important lesson: ALWAYS TRUST STEVE-O BEEVO.

 

A bunch of fucking perverts if you ask me.

 

There’s always that one creepy house that all the kids in the neighborhood is afraid of, and in this cartoon, that’s no different. DJ, voiced by Mitchel Musso, has noticed the crazy old man who lives in the creepy house across the street. Through some surveillance, DJ discovers that it’s not only toys that disappear from this creepy house, but also kids. With his best friend Chowder, voiced by Sam Werner, the two set off to figure out what’s going on. While exploring, they startle the old man who lives there, voiced by Steve Buscemi, and when he confronts the kids, he has a heart attack and seemingly dies. This might seem scary, but this affords the kids an opportunity to go inside. Through the help of some of the teenagers in the area and hearing their stories, as well as their new-found love interest Jenny, voiced by Spencer Locke, they are finally able to infiltrate the house successfully. They find that it’s almost as if the house is alive, which means there’s a way to kill it. The further they explore, they eventually find a large woman who is seemingly cased in concrete. At this time, the old man who lived there shows up, because he’s not dead, and tells the story of the house. Turns out that he used to live there with his very obese wife, and while building the house, she accidentally became encased in concrete. Her spirit is what caused the house to attack passersby because of her wrongful death, and it’s been the old man yelling at everyone in hopes of protecting them. He can’t leave the house, because it’s the embodiment of his wife, and he loves the house. Eventually, the house realizes the kids are trying to destroy it, which leads to the house uprooting itself and chases them to a construction yard. Luckily, DJ is able to blow the house up with dynamite, which frees all of the neighborhood kids of their fear, and the old man of his responsibilities as he gives back all the toys that the house confiscated. DJ and Chowder then have enough time to go trick or treating, because after all, it’s Halloween!

 

HAHAHA THE BABYSITTER’S BOYFRIEND DRESSES LIKE ME!

 

If you hadn’t seen this movie before, would you automatically think, based on the description, that it was a cartoon? And the weird thing is, the filmmakers had to make changes to ALLOW it to be PG. If they had kept the film the way they intended, it wouldn’t have even gotten a PG rating. The film had to include a sequence of the characters who had been “eaten” by the house emerging from the house alive and well to make the cut. There are plenty of segments that are intense and way too scary for kids, and considering that this movie doesn’t really dumb things down for kids is what makes it so much fun. Sure, there is physical comedy in it that’s silly and there’s a scene where Jenny points at an object and says it’s the house’s uvula, causing Chowder to respond with “Ohhhh…so it’s a GIRL house”, which is still pretty mature weiner/vagina humor for the intended audience. I think one of the cooler things about this movie was something I didn’t learn until watching the special features. This movie was filmed with actors wearing motion capture suits, and those motions were then animated with the character designs later on. Not really that new of technology, and plenty of movies before this had used it. The cool thing about this one was that after every scene was animated, the filmmakers had a device that acted as a handheld camera, which would then allow them to move the camera around in different ways for each different scene. Did that make sense? They would create a 3D environment using the motion-capture technology, cover everything in the character and object’s “skin”, and they could treat each scene as an actual environment that someone could move around in with a handheld camera, as opposed to things always being on tripods. I might not be making sense in my description, and I don’t care, because the results show fluid animation with an added touch of “realism” that gave you an animated movie that didn’t feel animated. I definitely recommend anybody to check this out, as it’s definitely one of my favorite Halloween movies that is supposedly for kids.

 

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The Lovely Bones (2009) [REVIEW]

October 22, 2011 3 Comments

 

 

Did I give a shit about this movie when it came out? NOPE. Did I read this book or give a shit about that? NOPE. Why did I watch this movie, that didn’t really have any financial or critical success, years after it was released? Well, once again, it all comes back to Ryan Gosling. While discussing the works of Ryan Gosling with a coworker, they had mentioned that he was the original choice to be in this movie in Mark Wahlberg’s role. Unfortunately for Gosling, he got too fat and beardy and was no longer allowed to be in the movie, and was replaced by Wahlberg who had recently finished filming “The Happening”. HAHAHA, remember that movie? That sucked. Anyways, considering I am a fan of Peter Jackson and I knew this had something to do with ghosts or something I figured I’d give it a shot. Plus, ya gotta love that Stanley Tucci! Remember when he was in “The Core”? Yeah, I do, he was awesome.

 

Don’t take that hat off! You’ll turn blonde and then Eric Bana will turn you into an elite killer!

 

In the opening moments of the movie, we know that Susie Salmon, played by Saoirse Ronan, is killed in this movie. We also quickly learn that Stanley Tucci’s character is the reason she is dead, because he is a creepy pervert weirdo who invited her into some playhouse dungeon thing. Susie doesn’t quite realize that she’s dead, because she seems to be tripping her balls off in some fantasy land with another girl her age. We see the Salmon family dealing with the fact that she has disappeared and that there aren’t any suspects. Mark Wahlberg, who plays the father, continues to push and push and push the police into finding suspects, which drives his wife, played by Rachel Weisz, to leave him. Susie seems to come to terms with and realize that she is dead and that she won’t remember to the people she loves, but builds some sort of connection to them. Throughout her family’s day, they get weird feelings and experiences that seem to lead towards the realization that the neighbor, Stanley Tucci, is the one responsible. When enough evidence is collected towards Tucci, he realizes he needs to destroy the evidence, so he ditches Susie’s body, which has been in a safe in his basement whole time. He destroys the evidence and skips town and is never brought to justice by the police. In the wake of Susie’s death and her father’s acceptance of her death, his wife and the rest of the Salmon family build a stronger relationship together, so Susie has some monologue about her death built “lovely bones” that connected her family. Oh yeah, then Stanley Tucci falls off of a cliff.

 

Too much hair vs. not enough hair. WHO SHALL BE DECLARED WINNER! Probably not enough hair wins, because his daughter wasn’t killed.

 

Considering this was based on a book, I don’t really know who to blame for what the fuck was going on in this movie. I’m sure it was intended to be two linked concepts, with the investigative end being one plot and Susie’s strange time in whatever kind of purgatory place she was in, but I couldn’t really connect with either story being told. I could get more interested in the investigative side of Wahlberg finding clues and leads that would bring the killer to justice, but considering we knew it was Stanley Tucci the whole time, it wasn’t too fulfilling. The other shit that was going on wasn’t at all interesting to me, about a teenage girl accepting death and reflecting on her life or something? I guess that Peter Jackson’s involvement made me assume that the fantasy end of things would be a lot more unique or at least visually stimulating, but nothing really happened in that “world” of note. I can see how in the book, if the investigation aspect was dragged out for longer, you would get more invested in wanting the killer to be found and how that desire would tear the family apart, and how that would make the ending feel a little bit better, but I have no clue if that’s what the book did. If you liked the book, you can probably skip this, and if you like ghost stories, then DEFINITELY skip this, and instead just write some erotic Ryan Gosling fan fiction.

 

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Nerds + Nerds – Nerds vs. Nerds = NERDS

October 20, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ll admit that the subject of this post doesn’t really make any sense. After my time at the Music Box Massacre over the weekend, and seeing how many horror nerds are also comic book nerds, it reminded me of how many people I know love horror movies and enjoy comics. Strangely, I thought about the fact that I know people who like comic books but hate horror movies, which I thought was interesting. I put the question out on Twitter to see if there were any horror movie fans who hated comics, and there wasn’t really an overwhelming response. Instead, I questioned why I gave a shit about what different “nerds” like and came to the realization that there are a shitload of nerds who like a shitload of nerdy things. Also, I’d say that the term “nerd” is quite subjective and is going to mean a lot of different things to different people. For example, I’m sure lots of people think that loving Star Wars is something to be considered quite nerdy, until you think about the fact that it is one of the most successful film franchises of all-time. Can that be nerdy? What about comic books, which is an industry that has had peaks and valleys in popularity through the past few decades, and I’m willing to bet if you took a sample of people on the street, the majority would be those who haven’t read a comic book. Then again, this year alone there were FOUR big budget summer movies about comic book characters, add to all of the other TV shows, cartoons, and videogames that are prevalent in our society that center around comic book characters. I feel like maybe the term “nerd” doesn’t necessarily apply to the content of one’s obsession, but rather the fact that the obsession exists in the first place. I’m sure that athletes aren’t necessarily considered nerds, but it’s entirely possible for someone to be obsessed with collecting a team’s merchandise and knowing every statistic about them ever, which I would say makes them a football nerd or hockey nerd. I think I’m getting a little off-topic from what my original question was: why do so many horror nerds love comics?

This is such a stupid fucking question to waste my time thinking about it. I came to my own conclusions after some deep soul-searching and came to the realization that things that are considered “nerdy” are typically things whose popularity lies in subcultures, as opposed to the majority of any population. I’m sure that if you asked someone whether or not they have heard of things like comic books, Star Wars, Star Trek, dinosaurs, robots, toys, Dr. Who, or horror movies, 99% would say yes. However, the individuals who take these subjects to an “obsessive” level aren’t your average person. These people seem to adhere to the belief that the things they like are better than things that other people like, almost in a sense of misguided pride over what they enjoy. Not only does this sense of pride lead to disliking things that are more popular, like sports or action movies, but even amongst other subcultures. Think about the rivalry between Star Trek and Star Wars fans, always claiming one is better than the other. Who gives a shit? Different people like different things for different reasons, so if it isn’t hurting anyone, let everyone obsess over what makes them happy. This misguided sense of pride and accomplishment over finding something to obsess over also causes a sense of elitism towards someone who is new to the subject. The stereotype of “comic book guy” being intimidating to your average comic book store owner is a tangible example, because I’ve met that guy, and I hate that guy. Was everyone who likes something nerdy born knowing everything about that subject? No, you weren’t, because at some point you were the one new to that thing. Why can’t you just be excited that there is someone trying to learn about something you already know so much about, and share the wealth?

One last time, back to what my original question was. Why do horror nerds like comics so much, or at least tolerate them? Well, maybe it’s just because it’s one more nerdy thing to like. Not all of the pride felt over enjoying something that is mostly enjoyed by the minority is negative, because it sometimes results in wanting to share what you love with other people. I am a pretty boring person, and most of the conversations I engage in lead to either horror movies, comic books, Star Wars or sharks. I have shirts with those things on them, I talk about them online, and I have this shit all over our apartment (sorry Rampaige). I’m sure plenty of people listen to me and then try to forget what I was saying, but I also know for a fact that my talking about these things has caused people to actively seek out a comic or a movie and really enjoy these things. We are getting a lot better in our society for accepting people for their beliefs and lifestyles, and I feel it’s the same with nerds. There are movies (like Fanboys, which is awesome) and TV shows (like The Big Bang Theory, which is fucking horrible and one of the worst shows on television) about people who love and obsess over nerdy things, and these movies and shows are successful. Listen, if you love something, no matter how nerdy or how plain it might be, just support it, and support the people who support it, and support the people who don’t support it, and support the people who create it, so that there’s more of it. The more we ostracize others, no matter what their tastes, the more negative energy is being put into something that should be making you happy. Read comics. Watch horror movies. Play sports. Do whatever the fuck it is that makes you happy, and stop judging everyone else for liking things that are different from what you like, or talking shit on people who like things that you like, but they like them differently than you do.

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Abduction movie poster: negating Art and/or Science since 2011

September 23, 2011 5 Comments

Well of course I won’t be seeing this movie. What are you, an idiot? I think I accidentally saw the trailer and it looked terrible, and it really just seems to be the studio trying to cash in on the fact that this Taylor Lautner fellow was in Twilight, and this guy thinks he can have a career other than those movies. Hey, whatever a guy’s gotta do to make a living. I understand that this movie is for teenagers, so obviously I had no interest in it at all, but after spending some time looking at the poster, I now just hate everyone involved with making this movie. Before I go any further, take a look:

I guess it’s pretty typical of a shitty action movie aimed at teenagers. There’s a scene in the trailer involving this guy sliding down a glass window, so obviously they’ve incorporated those images, and arbitrarily threw more buildings into the background. Just so I don’t give the wrong idea, I have no sort of degree in art or any qualifications to judge art or graphic design, but I do remember an art class I had in high school about adding depth to scenes we drew. What you could do is add a “vanishing point” the an image, and as long as all horizontal lines “vanish” into that one point, BOOM, instant depth. I’m going to show you where the horizontal lines are headed in the poster, so we can try to figure out it’s vanishing point.

There are three obvious lines coming from two different buildings on opposite sides of the image, causing the vanishing point to be somewhere behind the actor. Still with me? Okay, good. Now let me point out two other important things in the image.

We have the underside of a helicopter, and we have a strong light source, which I’m assuming is the Sun. What does it all mean? Well, when you combine this information, the vanishing point, Sun, and helicopter this shows that the background of the image is intended to be the view of someone looking straight up. Who cares? Well, let’s take a look at the foreground image:

You can see that Lautner is traveling down the side of the building, that combined with the angle of the glass he’s sliding down, makes him appear to be sliding down and to the right. Seems pretty stupid, but why does this defy the laws of physics? Well, this means that combined with the vanishing point, helicopter, and Sun, were we to look at this scene from a different angle, it would look something more like this:

Doesn’t really seem to make any sense, does it? Also, let’s keep in mind that this is what he would be doing if the diagonal edge is the very top of the building. It couldn’t be the middle of the building, because we don’t see the rest of the building sticking up behind him. If it’s not the very top of the building, I suppose it could be part of the building that sticks out from the rest, and everything above the part of the building he is sliding on obstructs everything that extends higher above it. If that’s the case, the profile of the building would look like this:

Yes, this means that, given the composition of the background, combined with what’s going on in the foreground, it’s entirely possible that this individual is somehow effortlessly clinging, upside-down, to the sheer surface of the building, with more lateral motion than there are gravitational forces being exerted upon him. Is that the only answer? No, not at all! What else could all of this shit add up to? Oh, I don’t know, maybe EVERY FUCKING PERSON INVOLVED IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE BEING MADE GAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO FUCKS ABOUT HOW IT WAS MARKETED, AS LONG AS YOU HAD THE GUY FROM TWILIGHT DOING SOMETHING EXCITING IN THE FOREGROUND. I mean, I recognize the image in the foreground, since it’s from the trailer, and I understand that in the trailer he’s NOT defying gravity, so it seems someone just cropped, copied, and pasted that image on top of the Google results for “shiny buildings and a helicopter”. God fucking dammit. Why does this shit piss me off so much? Probably because the person responsible got paid more money for creating this one image, that negates both physics and artistic perception, than I will in a whole month. Hopefully this lackadaisical approach to poster making will convince everyone in the world to see anything other than this movie.

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Drive (2011) [REVIEW]

September 18, 2011 3 Comments

 

I’ve been flip-flopping over the past day on whether or not to review this movie. I watched it in chunks while working at the movie theater, and I might have missed a grand total of about ten minutes of it, and those minutes were in the beginning and middle. I feel as though I saw enough of it to have a relatively strong opinion of it, compared to a lot of other movies I kind of half-watched, but was still pissed at myself for missing some of it. I figured that since Wolfgang and I agreed on enjoying the movie, I’d give you guys a full review of it, rather than one of those half-assed reviews i’ve been putting up lately. As a warning, there will be spoilers, so if you’re interested in this movie, I recommend seeing it and then coming back to read this review.

 

The first step in my process of becoming Ryan Gosling will be to buy some of them gloves. That’s a good starting point, right?

 

Ryan Gosling plays the character named “Driver”, not to be confused with the actress Minnie Driver. I don’t think they’re related? Anyways, Gosling is a driver for both illegal activities as well as for stunts in major motion pictures. He sparks a somewhat intimate relationship with his neighbor, played by Carey Mulligan, whose husband is in prison. Sadly for the two, the husband is released early, but hasn’t been able to keep his criminal past behind him. The husband is pressured into doing one last robbery, and Gosling offers his assistance in order to make sure that nothing happens to the family. The robbery results in the husband getting shot, and now Gosling has a million dollars, which he wants nothing to do with. The rest of the film shows Gosling figuring out whose money it is, how to give it back, and how to cut all ties to the events that happened, as well as wanting to ensure the safety of Mulligan’s character and her son. Rather than type out the ending right here, since it’s not some big action sequence or anything, I’m going to cut this part short and say it doesn’t end quite the way you expect.

 

Always good to see Bryan Cranston with hair.

 

Unfortunately this is one of those movies that the more and more someone tries to defend, the more and more pretentious that person sounds. Throwing around terms like “neo-noir”, ”art house film”, or “avant-garde” tell nothing about the movie, but rather confuse and annoy the person who hears these terms. There’s such a vague idea of what elements are present in films with those descriptive terms that I don’t feel it’s fair to say any of those movies should be considered a genre. The strange thing is, I can’t really describe the tone of this movie other than using those words, so it’s a contradiction. One thing I can point out is that there isn’t really one element of this movie that stands out as far as why it’s so entertaining. The characters, the direction, the story, etc. are all relatively generic, but it’s really the combination of all these things that build the atmosphere of Drive. Remove one thing from the equation and the whole house of cards would come crumbling.

 

Christina Hendricks showed us her rare talent of going from classy to skanky more quickly than the car in this film goes from 0 to 60.

 

Friendly reminder: I KNOW THAT THIS ISN’T A UNIQUE, OR ORIGINAL MOVIE, AND IT BORROWED TONS OF THINGS FROM OTHER MOVIES. Ryan Gosling was awesome, as usual, as someone who seemed to be completely detached from and apathetic to reality. You got a sense of mania building right under the surface, you just didn’t know when it would surface. Considering this movie had the disclaimer of “strong brutal, bloody violence”, I was a little nervous for the first hour, but then when we had our first Gosling outburst, it scared the shit out of me. And that was only a verbal outburst, which was clearly only hinting at what was brewing below the surface. Which reminds me, there’s really only about half a dozen scenes of violence, but considering the director consulted Gaspar Noé, director of Irreversible, the intensity was based on the realism of the violence as opposed to frequency. I found it kind of amusing that three members of the supporting cast could be described as “That guy from Breaking Bad”, “That guy from Sons of Anarchy”, or “That girl from Mad Men”. Of course you know that I meant Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman, and Christina Hendricks, but none of their characters had that many lines. The biggest, and probably most important role in this movie was the city of L.A. itself. The crime, the anonymity, the glamour, all came together and made it seem as though this story and these characters could only exist there and nowhere else. The use of cell phones obviously made us aware that it was contemporary L.A., but the gloss over everything, from the character’s wardrobes to all of the musical choices gave a feeling of shallowness and sleaze to everything that was going on, and added an element of cheese to Gosling’s character.

 

SPOILER ALERT: He doesn’t hammer the nail into the guys head. Which is good, because I learned from Mythbusters that it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

 

Ultimately I’d have to say that this movie worked well because of the elements it borrowed from other films and they way they were incorporated and the juxtaposition it caused. The credits themselves were even bright pink, in a font that reminded you or something like Sixteen Candles. The plot of this movie sounds like something that Charles Bronson or Patrick Swayze could have been in, and those names aren’t regularly used along with the term “noir”. This film managed to not only leave you with a sense of hope, showing how Gosling was so driven to do what needed to be done, but also left you with a feeling of hopelessness, as to say that this film didn’t quite have a happy ending. And can you believe that for a movie called “Drive”, there are barely any car chases? Fine with me! I’d say that if you took musical cues and sense of real world detachment from Lars and the Real Girl, give him an intense desire for revenge like Old Boy, and the plot of something like Death Wish, and you get this movie. And I can’t wait to see it again and see if I like it even more.

 

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Filed under 5 Stars, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

My Favorite Pixar Films

September 13, 2011 3 Comments

You already think I’ve gone soft, haven’t you? HAVEN’T YOU?! Well, that’s assuming I was hard in the first place, and–nevermind just realized I am too immature to finish this narrative without making boner references. Speaking with a coworker the other day about Pixar films and thinking about how I enjoy making lists on this site, I figure I’d give you guys a little glimpse into what my favorite Pixar films are. I normally do “Top 5″ of things when I make lists, but I don’t think there are enough Pixar movies yet to constitute picking my 5 favorite. There’s only been 12 films so far, so I would really just be saying which half I like more. Without further ado, and in no particular order…wait, chronological order. That’s how I’ll do it.

1) Toy Story (1995)

I suppose that this is an obvious choice, considering it was the movie that started it all. This movie was also one of the first movies I went to see in theaters without family members, and I think I went opening day. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, so it was a half day, and I went to a theater that I ended up working at. I also think that from all the birthday money I had gotten that year I bought a bunch of Toy Story shit, and got a lot of Toy Story shit for Christmas. I understand that this makes me sound like a baby, but 15 years later I still buy toys, so don’t let that confuse you. It could be argued that any film in the Toy Story trilogy is just as good or better than any other of the films, but rather than deciding between which one is best, this one wins as a nostalgic level. Also, this is the only one that Joss Whedon was involved in, so bonus points for that.

 

2) The Incredibles (2004)

Although I didn’t quite realize it at the time, this film kind of blew my mind. I think I initially wrote it off as being not as good as the others, but after seeing it again…and again…and again, I realized that the reason it stood out was because this was the first non-kid oriented movie. Granted, it’s still a kid’s movie, I’m not saying it’s not appropriate for kids, but this was the first PG rated Pixar movie. CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND THAT?! No longer was Pixar making movies for General audiences, they demanded that children have Parental Guidance with this film. You see a dead body, superheroes and henchmen alike DIE, and the main character is a middle-aged guy whose personal and professional life have fallen apart after the legal repercussions of his heroic actions. That was probably WAAAAY over the heads of kids, and other than maybe the opening segment of Up or the climax of Toy Story 3, this film takes the cake as far as most adult-oriented content. It comes as no surprise that this film was directed by brad bird, who five years earlier directed The Iron Giant, which is another one of my favorite animated movies.

 

3) WALL-E (2008)

Have I mentioned enough times on this blog the fact that I saw this movie, hesitantly, at its midnight release? Because I did. And it was one of the best mistakes I’ve ever made. THERE’S NO FUCKING DIALOGUE FOR THIRTY MINUTES. Yes, there are characters interacting with one another through primitive communication, but even that is limited to only about a dozen words. Obviously the fact that they can keep kids and adults thoroughly engaged in what’s going on with no dialogue is impressive, but that’s only where it starts. The film continues to tell a love story about two robots, while also projecting where humankind is heading, and that means we’re going to be fat pieces of shit who have ruined the planet and have to live in outer space. It does have one or two lines that are a little heavy-handed about the message it’s trying to make, but even with those lines, WALL-E manages to show a pessimistic outlook on life and how terrible the human species is. Also, there are lots of funny scenes where robots make noises at one another.

 

I’d also like to give an honorary mention to Up because that movie is also pretty grim, from the barren uterus of the main character’s wife, to her untimely death and resulting depression, and a side of parental abandonment. It does also have a main character that’s a dog, so that’s pretty awesome. I guess I just didn’t feel right making a “Top 4″, and I don’t think I like Up more than anything I already listed. I will say that I don’t like Monsters Inc. nearly as much as most people do, and everyone agrees that Cars is a piece of shit, and its sequel is the first Pixar movie I haven’t seen in theaters. Okay I’m wrong, I chose going to see Antz over A Bug’s Life, but Cars 2 just looked awful. Ratatouille is pretty good too, but takes a few viewings to really grow on you, and doesn’t really seem like a kids’ movie. Maybe next year’s Brave will be pretty good, or at least I hope it will be, because after that we get another installment of those Monsters Inc. guys in Monsters University. And even though it’s not technically a Pixar movie, I definitely recommend watching the documentary about those guys, “The Pixar Story”, to really appreciate every step they took along the way and how if one thing had changed even slightly, they wouldn’t be anywhere near what they are today.

Filed under 5 Stars, Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

I tried to watch The Spirit and Dylan Dog: Dead of Night…and failed

September 7, 2011 7 Comments

Do you guys have any idea how long my Netflix queue is? I’m not trying to brag or anything, but pretty much any movie  have ever heard of, whether it’s supposed to be bad or supposed to be good, ends up on my queue. I’ve hit maximum multiple times and have to go back and erase some titles. That’s why things like The Spirit and Dylan Dog: Dead of Night end up arriving in my mailbox. When The Spirit was released theatrically, I had no interest. I heard nothing but awful things about it. However, being a comic book movie, it somehow made its way into the queue. I saw trailers in theaters for Dylan Dog, because it was supposed to get a theatrical release, but instead went straight-to-video. Still added it to the queue, thinking there would be a plethora of people interested in it. Sadly, both movies were hard to get through, and even though I don’t often do this, I had to shut them both off before they were over to get them the fuck out of my house.

 

If Samuel L. Jackson being referred to as “Octopus” or Scarlett Johansson having big boobs doesn’t save your movie, nothing will.

 

What I knew about The Spirit as a comic book was that one of my professor’s never shut up about it or about the author, Will Eisner, for any reason. I know that Will Eisner is really important to comic books, I’m not denying that, and I also know that Frank Miller had a huge boner for him. I also know that Frank Miller writes comic books, draws comic books, and does not direct movies. I have a feeling that what happened after the success of Sin City and 300 was that movie executives approached Frank Miller and said “Hey, I know you have no experience directing, but wanna direct something, anything, as long as it’s related to comics?”, and Miller’s eyes were replaced with dollar signs and agreed. I’m not knocking him or anything, because if someone offered me a shit ton of money to direct anything I wanted, and I could make a movie based on one of my favorite comics so that someone else wouldn’t have the opportunity to direct it, I’d do the same. Unfortunately, I think that if you take a comic book that was written in the 40′s with a certain tone, and have someone who has never directed anything attempt to do that over 60 years later, some things might not work. The characters and narrative were exaggerated and somewhat tongue-in-cheek, which I feel alienates you audiences who don’t quite “get it”. The film itself is exactly what it would look like if Zack Snyder took the Sin City movie out on a date, slipped roofies into its drink, then raped the living shit out of it. Every shot is either super-saturated blacks and whites, or are filmed in color, but with the saturation brought down. Don’t get me wrong, I love Frank Miller’s comic book work, but I think he should stick with that instead of attempting more movies.

 

I didn’t get this far in the movie so I have no fucking clue what’s going on here. Actually, even if I did get this far, I still wouldn’t have any idea what was going on.

 

Even though he was only in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World for a few scenes, the ones with Brandon Routh were some of the more entertaining moments of the film. Remember that whole part about the cleaning lady, dusting things, and the Vegan Police? HI-LARIOUS. Coming off of that, I was looking forward to seeing him as Dylan Dog, despite also never having read the comics. I did see Dellamorte Dellamore (a.k.a Cemetary Man) but know that it’s not a direct interpretation of the comics, so that doesn’t quite count. Even though this movie was about vampires, werewolves, and zombies, I could barely keep track of what the fuck was going on. I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for comic book movies too end up being too serialized, filled with short little adventures that are all connected to a major storyline, but I couldn’t keep track of that one thread that kept the plot moving forward. I feel the same way about Hellboy II: The Golden Army, in the sense that I can’t tell you exactly what the fuck happened in that movie, but at least when I left that movie, I enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, if you get an hour and fifteen minutes into a two-hour movie and still have no clue what the fuck is going on or why, you have to make an executive decision to put that movie into that little red envelope that will take it straight back to Netflix Hell.

 

No, this scene isn’t taken directly from The Spirit, but I was getting sick and goddamned tired of Googling “The Spirit Eva Mendes” and seeing page after page of pictures of this girl’s butt. INFURIATING.

 

I hope you guys don’t judge me for bailing on these movies without finishing them, especially after seeing how much garbage I am willing to sift through. I think I need to keep a new policy in mind when adding things to the queue, which should start to exclude the need to add EVERY comic book related movie out there. I’ve also seen a couple of those direct-to-video animated comic book movies, and although I might be entertained, ultimately decide against reviewing them. In hopes of you preventing this shit from happening in the future, I’m going to go ahead right now and delete a bunch of shit from my queue that I know I will hate. Come back soon for actual reviews of whole movies!

Filed under 1 Star, 1 Star, 1 Star, Comics, Horror Film, Inane Bullshit, Non-Horror Film

Eagle Eye (2008) [REVIEW]

July 25, 2011 8 Comments

 

Shia LaBeouf is a stupid douchebag. Well, I think he is, at least. I’m sure you assume that this line of thinking is unwarranted, but after I heard his (possible) response to being offered a role in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’ve hated him. I’ve heard conflicting reports on what his response was, but the one I heard first was that he was no longer interested in being a sidekick kind of role and was only leading man material, due to the success of Transformers. This is so dumb, because if you’re offered a role in Indiana Jones, you take it, no matter what. However, after explaining this story, I’ve heard other people say that they’ve read interviews where it was the exact opposite. It even says on Wikipedia that he signed on without reading a script, but I don’t trust that bullshit! Considering I’m not a fan of his, you might be wondering why I watched this movie. I did too, until I remembered that it was directed by D.J. Caruso, who is the most recent attachment to the idea of a movie or TV series based on the comic book “Preacher”. not having seen any of his other movies, i figured I’d give this one a shot.

 

“Hello? Lady on the phone? You sound an awful lot like an embarrassed Julianne Moore.”

 

Shia LaBeouf plays two roles in this movie. TWO I SAY. He plays one stupid loser dude, and he plays the stupid loser dude’s dead brother. While alive, that brother was involved in the military or something. When his brother dies, the stupid loser dude checks his bank account and finds a shit ton of money. When he goes to his apartment, he finds tons of weapons and bomb making supplies. Something wacky is going on! When he hears a cell phone ringing, he answers, and a female voice says the FBI is about to break in. The voice was right, and now stupid Shia ia apprehended under suspicion of terrorism. Meanwhile, there’s another lady who gets a mysterious phone call from the same voice that is explaining that her son will be in trouble if she doesn’t cooperate with phone voice. After a series of wacky events take place that allows Shia to escape FBI custody, he meets with this other lady, played by Michelle Monaghan, and they are both all “WTF IS GOING ON?!” and oblivious. After multiple contacts with phone voice lady and a series of strange technological coincidences, such as traffic lights allowing their escape or automated construction equipment or messages for these two appearing through video screens in town, they learn that all this shit is being done by a sentient computer! Fuck! Those are the worst kinds of computers! Not only is it a sentient computer, it’s one that was built by the government in response to monitoring cell phones and emails for terrorism that has become so much of a nationalist that it has instructed multiple individuals to take part in the assassination of the president through the use of crystals that will be exploded by the sounds of a trumpet. That sentence is one of the most ridiculous plot points I’ve ever typed. Eventually some federal agents learn about this computer and attempt to kill it, while it also attempts to kill them, in a scene that’s a mix between Wall-E and 2001: A Space Odyssey, while Shia tries to prevent the assassination attempt by shooting the ceiling, causing himself to get shot. Sadly, he lives, and the computer has been destroyed.

 

This is the villain of the movie. I repeat, THIS is the villain.

 

FUCK THAT. It sounds even more ridiculous in retrospect that when i was watching it, and even while I was watching it I knew how ridiculous it was. Okay guys, I get it, what if our fear or terrorism drives us to the point that we could even consider the president a terrorist because of how loose of a definition we have for “terrorism”. But, fucking seriously? I assume I missed a couple plot points as to why it was planted for Shia to be set-up as a terrorist, but it doesn’t really matter because, well, “computers”. Just blaming everything on computers just makes the whole plot more acceptable as far as the filmmakers were concerned. The voice of the robot killer thing was Julianne Moore, who I’m hoping took her name off of the movie because she realized how stupid and convoluted it was. The only redeeming thing, and it was only mildly redeeming, was the fact that the beginning of the movie took place in Chicago, and it seemed as though they were using actual street names and train stations. For example, at one point, Billy Bob Thornton asks for a roadblock at Granville and Sheridan. Those are real streets! Also, the computer tells Shia to get off at the Wilson stop while he’s on a train, and when he gets off, it actually looked like the Wilson stop for the Red Line train. Other than that, this movie was garbage, and I kind of hope that Mr. D.J. Caruso is no longer allowed any Preacher involvement.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale


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Filed under 1 Star, Non-Horror Film Tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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