WolfMan: Tom, may I call you Tom? Tom, it’s been six, SIX goddamn years since your band, No Trigger, has released a full length album. What gives?! Was it because you thought the last album, Canyoneer, sucked so bad? I mean, I’m not saying it sucked, I’m just implying you thought it sucked. What other reason could there be?

Tom: You might be exactly right. It may have sucked so bad that we needed to give people 6 years to forget about it and try our hand at album writing again. Hopefully it takes this time.

WM: Even though it’s been a few years since you’ve had a full-length release, you did release the two song “Be Honest” EP, and have still been able to tour the world. Clearly No Trigger is a band who can make more of an impact with one album than most bands can make after releasing multiple albums. How has your fanbase evolved since your last album?

T: I think our fanbase was just annoyed that we never put out a follow-up album way back when so when we spit out a 2-song 7” last year, they were just reluctantly willing to take whatever they could get. And we just cleverly milked that into a full-scale Australian and European tour. Hopefully by putting out the new full length we will show that we are not actually assholes.

WM: Speaking of touring, can we expect No Trigger to be hitting the road for another half-decade to follow the release of the new album Tycoon (in stores Feb. 21st!)?

T: If history is any guide I mean yeah most likely. We are great at touring, just terrible at recording new music in a timely fashion.

WM: On your last full-length album, every member of the Spawn Til Die community (including me!) was thanked in the liner notes. Considering that website no longer exists, what can we expect of Tycoon’s liner notes? Have some changes in the genre of the liner notes? Still sticking true to the pop-punk mentality of your liner notes?

T: No Sleep (our label) said “Keep it short fellas, space is money.”, so we didn’t thank anyone besides ourselves.

WM: I have never, ever understand where the name “No Trigger” came from. I remember seeing the sticker with your band name and a knife all over campus, is that because knives don’t have triggers? Have you guys come up with some new stickers over the past decade? Please say there are!

T: I’m pretty sure I am the one who suggested the name like 12 years ago, but even I don’t know where it came from. We handed merch duties over to our guitarist Jon a while ago, so hopefully he has some slick new designs coming up for people to put on their fridge.

WM: Something that most people know about you, if they’ve known you for long enough, is the fact that you’re an Eagle Scout. I went to three Cub Scout meetings when I was in 2nd grade, and it never really stuck. Clearly to obtain Eagle status, it requires a lot of dedication and I would assume it’s a big part of your life and something you’re proud of. Are there skills you’ve learned or obtained in your life as a Scout that you’ve incorporated into your band or songwriting? Are these two parts of your life completely separate and distinct from one another?

T: I think the one thing that carries over from scouting and such are the lyrical and artistic motifs we choose to run with. We have a very outdoorsy vibe with our lyrics and artwork and it’s mainly due to my personal connections to these things, which were enhanced growing up as a Boy Scout (and eventually Eagle Scout). They definitely go hand in hand. It’s crazy you ask because on the new record there is even one song that has part of the Boy Scout Oath in it.

WM: Speaking of big parts of your life, you’ve also obtained your real estate license, another thing requiring lots of dedication. Are their skills you’ve learned as a real estate agent that you’ve incorporated into your songwriting? Hahaha, okay, now THAT one was a joke. But seriously, you’re a realtor. Have you ever tried to get your fans to buy your album, your shirts, and a house?

T: Ha well, its tough to juggle being a suited-up clean-cut realtor and then also a grimy bandana-wearing front man of a melodic hardcore band, but somehow I’ve been able to strike a balance. The best thing is showing coworkers the videos of us playing live. They never believe that it’s me. As far as clients go, I never mention I am in a band unless they Google my name and ask me about it directly. I have sold houses to a few people in bands, bigger bands, but I wont say who to keep in line with my fiduciary responsibilities, of course.

WM: The last time I saw No Trigger perform was at one of the (many) Suicide File reunions at the Worcester Palladium. I remember jumping up on stage and onto your back during one song, and I think I knocked you over. In retrospect, I think I was coming on a little strong in our friendship. Will you accept my apology? It always felt like that’s something Spave would have done. I saw that guy in Northampton and he’s still awful.

T: Apology accepted, sir. But now you owe me another one for making me think about Spanish Dave for the first time in 7 years.

WM: Lastly, is there any shit you’d like to talk on me? Other than the release of Tycoon, in record stores Feb. 21st, any other plugs you’d like to make? Are you wearing shorts right now?

T: Yes I am wearing a pair of cut off camo shorts that I have had since before No Trigger was a band. And yes, our record comes out very soon on No Sleep Records. Get it!

Thanks again to Tom for taking the time out of his busy house-selling schedule to answer these questions. Make sure you see No Trigger if they swing through your area, because whether their sound is something you’re not really into or just curious about, they put on a really energetic and fun show. I hope they make their way through my town so I can jump on Tom again, except this time it would probably throw his back out. And don’t forget to pick up “Tycoon” on Feb. 21st at your local record store or local website where you buy music from!

 
No Trigger on No Sleep Records
No Trigger Merch
No Trigger Facebook

That’s quite the titillating cover, isn’t it?! Hahaha, get it? Because you can basically see that woman’s tits? I remember seeing the poster for this movie and thinking it was going to be terrible and merely existed so that the girl on the cover had the opportunity to show off her knockers. A few weeks after seeing that poster, I was having lunch with my good pal JD and the old video store he used to frequent would watch fucked up movies on their TVs during open hours. Apparently they were watching a movie that was SO fucked up, they shut it off. That movie? Why, it was Cold Sweat, of course! Hopefully you saw that plot twist coming, otherwise it would have been a really boring story. Actually, that didn’t save it from being a boring story, but having heard about this movie twice in as many weeks and for different reasons was a good enough reason for me to watch it. Oh yeah, and as a warning, none of the actors have their pictures showing up on IMDb, so I was planning on using their names and character names, but I don’t really remember who was who or why. Oh well!

Is this what dentist’s see? Because this is disgusting. Now I know why they kill themselves so often.

After his girlfriend leaves him for some guy on the internet, our lead male character enlists one of his friends to set up the guy from the internet. These two go to the address of the internet guy, but when the girl goes in the house, she disappears. The guy goes in the house after her, only to find two old men keeping her and another woman captive. The woman who we haven’t met is forced to answer some crazy math equation, and when she fails, the two old men blow her head up with nitroglycerine. The woman we did meet is left alone with a bottle of acid on her head to keep her still. These two old men are using things like acid and nitroglycerine to try to encourage young people to get smarter? Or something? Anyways, the guy’s girlfriend is kept downstairs in the basement and is completely soaked with nitroglycerine. They need to get her out of there! For some reason they give her a haircut and take her clothes off so she doesn’t blow up, even after being chased by monster people who live in the basement. Uhhhh…okay. Eventually the trio of young folks are able to use acid and nitroglycerine to their advantage to escape these two old men, and we see then the boy rejects his girlfriend for the girl who helped him! Hoo-ray!

I know that Katy Perry wasn’t in this movie, but I did a double take with this picture. I’m talking about the one on the left, of course.

WHAT THE FUCK? This movie was all over the goddamned place. Every time you thought you had some sort of idea of what was going on, some new thing would pop up to confuse you and make you wonder what the fuck was happening. Who were these old guys? Why were they doing this? Who were those freaks in the basement? Why did they capture some blonde guy and force him to sit in front of a webcam to entice women? We’ll never know! But on the other hand, the only reason I was paying attention to the movie was to see if any of these questions were answered, or to see what crazy thing would happen next. There wasn’t anything all that good about the acting, directing, or writing, so at least the fact that was a clusterfuck was something to keep you engaged. Also, do any of you guys know much about nitroglycerine? If your body is covered in it, could you really blow up just from walking around? The “escape” sequence was so long and boring and not worth it. At least they determined one way to save her was to take her boobs out, and even that part was interrupted by freaks running around. Boobs and freaks, what more could you wish for!?

Wolfman Moon Scale

Official Site
IMDb
Amazon DVD

As much as I wanted to like the first movie, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The cover looked pretty cool, but a lack of story didn’t make up for a few cool death scenes. I was surprised to hear they were making a sequel, especially considering the main character died at the end of the first one. APPARENTLY HE DIDN’T! I read that Danielle Harris was involved in this one, and I wish I could say that would help me determine if it would be any good, but unfortunately, her involvement doesn’t guarantee quality as often as I wish it did. Furthermore, Brian Austin Green was in this one, and he fucks Megan Fox when he could be fucking…NOT Megan Fox, my confidence in him wasn’t very high. BUT HEY, FUCK IT, RAMPAIGE WAS GONE SO I WATCHED THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

Quit acting like you’ve never eaten a knife before.

The sequel started where the first movie left off, with that girl who use insane superglue on the killer’s face escaping, along with some other dude who helped her or something. Shortly after they leave, some weird squad of people, all dressed similarly to ChromeSkull, throw him in the back of a van and take off. Surgeons “repair” ChromeSkull’s face as best they can, but it still looks like shit. I guess ChromeSkull was some rich guy weirdo who had a whole team of people, including Brian Austin Green and Danielle Harris, helping guide him to kill people. I guess there are some characters that are taken hostage or something and someone is trying to escape or something, I don’t know, it doesn’t really fucking matter what happened. Well, except for the fact that Brian Austin Green’s character was helping design ChromeSkull’s weapons and shit, and got so into it that he shaved his head and got a tattoo in attempts of taking over the “ChromeSkull” position. The real ChromeSkull got all pissed and shit, so he killed Brian Austin Green. At the end of it all, ChromeSkull won the day and survived, I think, because I think something happened at the end where Danielle Harris used a computer? Or something? Fuck it, I don’t know what happened, and I don’t really care.

You really think Brian Austin Green used a bald cap for this movie? REALLY?! Surely Mr. Austin Green takes his acting roles seriously and spares no expense to get into character!

Despite obviously not giving a shit about a lot of things that happened in this movie, I liked it more than the original. This installment really amped up the kills, making them happen more often and in a more gruesome fashion. The plot of the “victims” or whoever it was that was captured wasn’t any more interesting than the characters in the first, but the whole backstory of ChromeSkull actually was kind of fun to watch. We didn’t get ALL the answers, of course, but a big thing missing from the first movie was how or why these victims were getting chosen. We got to learn how it was possible for him to accomplish this stuff and made us realize he was just a rich psycho, which was all I felt I really needed to know. I’d say that if you were at all interested in this “franchise”, which hopefully doesn’t go much further, you’d serve yourself well to skip the original movie entirely and be much more entertained by this one.

Wolfman Moon Scale

Official Site
IMDb
Netflix
Amazon Blu-ray

I don’t quite remember why the fuck I ended up watching this movie, but I sure as hell did. most likely it was because I had found some list on underrated horror movies or some bullshit like that. Yeah, that sounds like something I would do. One problem with that is I get my hands on all these horror movies at once and I don’t remember what each one is about or which ones are supposed to be better than others or why on Earth I am watching it in the first place. The decision process eventually comes down to Rampaige, who asks me to tell her what the movies are about, and when I can’t do that, she relies on which title she likes the best. She chose this one because she said it “sounded most like it had something to do with dogs”, which I’d say is as good a reason as any. Sadly, there were no dogs involved. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Oh please I hope all of these characters survive! They are oh so very charming and three-dimensional!

The movie starts with a couple at some sort of “makeout point” or “lover’s lane” type of place, and when they hear a strange noise, the guy gets out of the car and is killed by a psycho. THERE’S A SHOCKER. Jump to some measurement of time after this event, and a group of five people are going the direction of where these events took place so they can celebrate one of them moving to a different country. Sadly, their car breaks down, but a woman who lives nearby offers to help them so they wouldn’t be stranded in the middle of nowhere. While all of these characters are at this woman’s house, they recount the story of the killer from the opening of the film. I guess a kid was chained up to a tree outside because his dad had returned home to see his wife cheating on him, so in addition to killing the wife, he chained the kid up outside. The kid grew up by eating nearby animals, and–HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT GOING ON IN THIS STORY. Totally not worth this much backstory. Anyways, it turns out that the killer’s sister was the girl who picked up the friends and she was setting them up to be killed. Don’t worry, one of the people who were going to the cabin was the sole survivor of the whole ordeal because everyone else was killed. Yeah, that gets the point across.

Image completely unrelated, but it was hard as shit finding any pictures from this movie, and this DVD cover is more entertaining than anything in the movie anyway.

Even though I got bored halfway through the summary of this movie, the only thing it had going for it was the story. Considering the woman who offered a ride to the strangers seemed normal, it was kind of a surprise that she was involved in the murders. I think some of the death scenes might have been pretty cool as far as special effects go, but other than that, there weren’t many redeeming qualities for it. I think that as I watch more and more horror movies and learn further the things I like about them, I am realizing how important it is to establish characters as people you want to watch. That’s something that was seriously lacking in this movie, that you either completely disliked the characters, or at best, tolerated them. Watching a movie where you merely tolerate a character is never going to be a movie worth watching, and this movie was no exception.

Wolfman Moon Scale

Official Site
IMDb
Amazon DVD

WolfMan: With both The Innkeepers and The House of the Devil, you have these strong female characters that really have to carry the weight of the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed those characters and the way they broke the conventions of most female leads, especially Jocelin Donahue who felt like Mia Farrow in “Rosemary’s Baby”. While you were writing those characters, did you intentionally try to break those molds or were you just writing characters that happened to be female?

Ti West: It’s a little bit of both. I mean, I wrote movies that had female leads trying to do that, but the movies that I’ve written about guys don’t get made. So the fact that I’ve made two in a row and there seems to be this kind of feminist angle, that is an accident. It’s there, I guess, in the work to some degree but I’ve got movies about dudes that just for some reason don’t get made. In the case of The House of the Devil, it was a babysitting movie and would be a tough sell if it were a guy. I try to just write hopefully three-dimensional characters and if it’s about a guy or a girl, it doesn’t really make any difference, I just try to make them good. It’s just I’ve made two in a row and the third one’s going to be about a woman in space and it’s going to be this weird trilogy.

WM: From the beginning of The House of the Devil, I knew that it took place in New England. Did you intentionally shoot it in New England because there was something about that part of the country or was it just happenstance that you shot it there?

TW: Filmmaking was on sale in Connecticut so there was a big tax incentive to go there. I wanted I wanted to shoot it in Pennsylvania and then we found out it was on sale in Connecticut. I wasn’t sure if we’d find a place we wanted. It’s funny, I didn’t want to use that house at all and now I can’t imagine it not being that house. So it’s one of those things … financially that’s why we shot there and we just scoured the state looking for a place.

WM: When The House of the Devil came out, you also had that limited edition clamshell VHS. DVDs left, Blu-rays are gonna leave, do you think there’s something about VHS that might hold the test of time as some sort of collector’s item or was that just a fun novelty thing for that movie?

TW: I think it ties into that movie … if we did one for this movie (The Innkeepers), it wouldn’t make any sense. So I think it’s kind of a one-off, where we had the opportunity to make that. … I think it’ll be a cool collector’s item for anyone who has nostalgia for it. It’s like people (who say) “Oh it’s like records”…it’s not really like records, it’s like 8-tracks. It’s not a particularly good format, we just have a nostalgia to it, whereas records, actually you could make the argument that they sound better or the experience of putting on a record and flipping it over and doing those things is valuable. It’s a cool collector’s thing. I’m fine with VHS being like baseball cards.

WM: One of my favorite moments of The Innkeepers was the scene where Claire takes the trash out. I read in an interview that you said that was your favorite thing that you’ve ever shot. Did you know it was going to turn out so well going into that scene? Did you know “This is going to end up being my favorite thing” or was it just that between Sara (Paxton), the direction, the writing, what was it that made it your favorite scene?

TW: It was a scene that kind of meant something to me because I thought it would be funny, but it wasn’t until she going (imitates groaning sounds) and not getting it in and stuff was pouring out exactly … it’s just one of those things that everything lined up perfectly, so no. It was when the execution was done it was like the high-five kind of moment.

Image from the upcoming horror anthology “V/H/S”

WM: Lastly, you kind of touched upon it earlier (during an onstage Q & A following The Innkeepers), just found footage movies and how sick of found footage movies everybody kind of is, that with V/H/S (of which he wrote/produced/directed a segment in), it’s been described as a found footage movie for people who don’t like found footage movies. What is it that you find so frustrating about those types of movies and why is V/H/S going to be any different?

TW: I don’t have a problem with found footage movies, I have a problem with bad found footage movies. I don’t have a problem with Blair Witch, I don’t have a problem with Paranormal Activity, those movies make sense to me, they are what they are … whereas there’s all these ripoffs of them. It sort of peaked with that “Devil Inside” movie, a movie that I haven’t seen and I have no reason to dislike it, but everyone else seems to hate it. I feel like that was just a scam, it was like a three-card monte scam … when I see a trailer that comes out of nowhere that’s a found footage, exorcism thing, I’m like “I don’t know if I trust this”, but everyone else kind of just fell for it and I feel like that’s the gullible nature of audiences that just got duped on that one. The thing with V/H/S is that none of us are particularly psyched on found footage but there’s a reason for the found footage, it’s not just because that’s popular so we went and made something that way to sell out with. All of them are very clever uses of the found footage. But I think found footage is fine because it’s the age that we live in, everyone has cameras on their phone and are making movies on YouTube, everyone’s accustomed to that so it is an aesthetic that has to stick around, it’s not gonna go away. It would just be nice if it was used, not less often, but if there was just more of a reason to use it.

And on the subject of found footage, this conversation took place on the day that “Chronicle” opened, I asked if he was running out to see it, and he joked about how all the trailer consists of is people throwing things, even though everyone’s been saying it’s great. Between hearing his Q & A and speaking to him personally, I understand more and more that he is a filmmaker first, horror movie maker second. I have praised his work for a few years as someone who is helping to pave the way for the next generation of horror movie makers, and only now am I realizing that one doesn’t need to solely do horror movies to still be able to make great horror movies. The Innkeepers relies just as much on horror elements as much as a sitcom likes Parks and Recreation relies on the business of running that department of the government. The horror elements of two people working in a “haunted” hotel help move the story in one direction, but it’s the characters and their interactions that make it so enjoyable. West’s next movie, called “Side Effects”, will star Liv Tyler and is a science fiction movie set in space. I’m sure that will still appease the horror fans, but will venture into a direction. I think the next genre should be the vampire genre. Except instead of making it about the vampires, it’s a movie about some vampire killers…ones that are without fear. Yeah, I think he’d do a great job making a movie about fearless vampire killers…if you got that joke, give yourself five bonus points and then stagedive off your desk.

WolfMan: During the movie, before the movie, did you believe in ghosts? Do you believe in ghosts? You kind of said up on stage (during a Q & A after The Innkeepers) that you didn’t feel like you were making a “ghost movie”, but considering everything I’ve been hearing about this hotel for so long, did anything weird happen to you that kind of helped you feel the character out a little bit more?

Pat Healy: I feel very much like the character in the movie (Luke) … I think of it as an Agnostic … in terms of God and ghosts and spirits and extraterrestrials and things. I always feel like there’s a psychological or emotional explanation for all of those things that can be figured out if you just stop and think about them. I’m like Ti (West), I don’t immediately jump to ghosts, sort of like the character in the movie. Without spoiling things too much, we have the feeling that he believes in that but in actuality he most likely believes in it because he has sort of an unrequited love for the other character that Sara (Paxton) plays. That could be like me too. I believe in certain things because I believe in people and I want to believe what they believe. I don’t have those kinds of experiences. I know plenty of my friends, who have, and I have no reason to doubt the veracity of their claims. I was told when I came there, for example, that I would have really strange dreams, and then of course the first night I was there, I had really strange dreams, but I think it was because everyone told me I was going to have strange dreams, and I was tired. I had flown from L.A. to Connecticut, but after that, really not anything. The place is strange, it’s constructed strange. After long days of shooting, especially if you’ve had a few beers or something, the walls start to feel a little weird, along with the carpet on the floor.

WM: I enjoyed how right from the beginning, your character really just exuded this affection for Claire. There weren’t any stereotypical longing glances or any awkward physical contact, you just knew it. You said it was heartbreaking to film a scene where you confess your love, and it was heartbreaking as a viewer knowing you were gonna say all this stuff, she’s not going to feel the same. How challenging did you find it to get in that mindset and know that there wasn’t going to be an easy way out by using those more conventional devices?

PH: I’m kind of like Ti in that way, in that I don’t want to do things the way that they’ve been done. There’s so many conventions in filmmaking, and in acting as well. You see a lot of actors now that are sort of carbon copies of imitations of other things that you’ve seen. Things are written that way too. I’m not interested in that. I studied acting most of my life and, without sounding pretentious, I’m interested in the truth,  so I think more about how I might have felt or how I have felt being in situations like that, or how I have felt being on the other side of situations like that where I’ve been the one who’s been breaking somebody’s heart. I’ve been crushed many times, too. I looked for those things and I looked for those behaviors to make that manifest. I don’t want to indicate to the audience, “This is that”. It’s already in the writing, I just play it as it is and it comes out naturally and funny and interesting because it feels true. That’s what interests me and interests Ti, too.

WM: With this movie, it’s based on “real” events and real people and this real hotel and these actual weird experiences. Your character was even based on an actual employee who had his own amateur ghost hunting website. Did you try to contact that employee? What kind of research did you do to figure out what an amateur ghost hunter would do in these situations?

PH: He’s there, he works there. His name is Luke, he works the night shift at the desk. They knew him from shooting House of the Devil, which I didn’t work on, so I didn’t know him. I didn’t actually meet him until I went to go shoot the film. I did see his website and those kinds of things and I’ve seen a lot of those ghost hunters shows where, as Ti will tell you, they’ve been on for 10 years and no one’s found a thing.

WM: I caught this time where you bump into the light chain and it startles you and you say “Ugh, spiderwebs,” which is something that happens all the time, that they just get startled by spiderwebs.

PH: Yeah, and that’s actually something that really happened, it was dark in there and I bumped into the light chain and thought it was a spiderweb.

WM: And going along with the “based on true events”, you were just at Sundance with your new film Compliance. While you were making that movie, which was based on true events, did you have any idea the kind of reaction you would get? The polarizing of people commending it, others condemning it, did you know that’s what the reaction was going to be while making the movie?

PH: I certainly knew that it was, first reading the script, that it was going to be a very challenging and difficult movie for people. The reaction was so strong, both positively and negatively, but mostly positive. Really the super-outraged people were few and they just happened to be louder than everyone else. It’s a difficult, challenging film. I knew we were making something really great. I was a little bit shell-shocked by the reaction, it’s strange to be in the middle of it. I almost brought it up in there (the Q & A for The Innkeepers) because it’s the polar opposite of this movie, where you sit in the audience and everyone has this great release of screaming and laughing. That’s a movie that tightens a knot in your stomach and you want to get out of your seat and leave but you can’t turn away from it. I like both kinds of experiences, I like doing both, but I’m both surprised and kind of elated that it’s gotten that kind of reaction. I think it’s an important movie about an important thing and I think that when the dust settles, people will realize that their reaction to the film, whether they liked it or not, was provoked by something that the film brings up either emotionally or intellectually. It’s something that we all should think about and it’s bothersome because we have to address it within ourselves so I think that’s what’s going on. I don’t want to speak for everyone but I think that as we see it play more and it comes out and is released, I hope, and this is probably (director/writer) Craig Zobel’s hope too, that it ignites some sort of debate. Not just about the movie but about the subject itself.

WM: That you don’t necessarily leave thinking “I liked it” or “I didn’t like it” or “I liked this” or “I didn’t like that”, but the concepts that are brought about in the movie, people just have a discussion about them.

PH: We’re in a place right now in America where we’re very much just bowing to authority and being told that we’re in a certain place financially and we’re in  a certain place politically, and we find that not to be true a lot and there’s a lot of people in power keeping us in positions. Why do we believe them and why do we go along with it, I think it’s really the right movie at the right time; I don’t like to be a politician or get up on my soapbox about it. It wasn’t that I felt that so much in making it, I just thought we were making a great story, but in seeing it with an audience, you really see it’s going to be a very hot button movie and bring up a lot of those issues.

Pat Healy spoke on stage about how many movies he had seen at the Music Box Theatre (where the screening was held) and how he had a job in a theater growing up. Not just any theater, mind you, but a theater that was just a short commute into the suburbs from the theater we were in. Even if he didn’t say much while up on stage, he made mention of how he had grown up seeing movies there and seeing people speak, and how thrilled he was to now be up on stage in that capacity. Not only was the movie enjoyable, but to see that delight on his face was an enjoyable experience as well. I could only hope to one day go to my hometown and stand in front of a full theater and talk about a movie I was in. Wait…the theater in my hometown is only 130 people. THAT’S NOTHING! I speak to thousands of people every single day at work. I take back that whole “I could only hope…” thing, because I think that would be a step in the wrong direction.

Do you like Ghost Hunters? Of course you do! Steve is just so dreamy! Why am I giving this shirt away? Well, it’s a pretty funny shirt, so I didn’t really want to give it away, but my loss is your gain! The problem is that it’s a size XL, and I haven’t worn a shirt that big since high school. Not that I needed to wear an XL in high school, but that was cool back then. That whole wearing big clothes things. It’s on an American Apparel shirt which are normally a little slimmer than other t-shirts, so keep that in mind. Maybe you’re a craftier person than me and can figure out a way to sew it into something cool. Do whatever you want with it! I bet you’re curious as to how much this shirt will cost you. The answer is ZERO DOLLARS. It’s a giveaway! What I’m hoping I get out of this is just a little bit more traffic to the blog, so for your chance to win, get on Twitter and follow these steps:

1) Retweet my message about this giveaway.

2) Leave a comment on this page of what your favorite ghost/haunted movie is and your Twitter username so I can see you’ve retweeted it.

3) Make sure to fill out the correct email address when leaving a comment (don’t worry, I’m the only one who sees the email address so you won’t get spam).

4) Sit back, wait until Sunday, Feb. 12th for win a pick my favorite comment!

That’s it! Feel free to make the comment dumb/funny/wacky/whatever. I say I will pick my favorite, so it might be the worst answer or it might be the best answer, who knows what the hell it’ll come down to. I’ll contact you with the email you provided to get your mailing address, and fun will be had! Again, all you have to do is retweet, leave a comment with your username/email and favorite ghost movie, and then wait until Feb. 12th. Have fun and stay safe.

I don’t know why I had it set it my head that I was this big Lucky McKee fan. The only movies of his that I had seen before this were May, his episode of Masters of Horror, and Roman. May holds a nostalgic place in my heart after having seen it a few years ago at the Music Box Massacre, I might have only liked his Masters of Horror installment because even if it was only average, it was still better than most of them, and it’s possible I enjoyed Roman because Veronica Mars is in it. Have you seen that video of Veronica Mars talking about SLOTHS? Yeah, me neither. Anyways, I had just kind of assumed I would like this, despite not having seen the movie that came before this. I know it might not have been a necessity to see that film, called “Offspring”, but it probably would have helped. I guess I have no one to blame but myself for setting my expectations so high, only to be disappointed. Frowny face.

Proof that you can live in the woods and still have silky smooth armpits.

In a pretty typical suburban family, we start getting the sense that the father, Chris (Sean Bridgers), is an asshole. Turns out we were right, because he thought it was totally normal to take the feral woman (played by Pollyanna McIntosh) he saw while hunting into his wine cellar so he could turn her into a normal lady. The whole family is brought in to take part in the cleaning and feeding of this woman, and no one really complains. We learn more and more about how fucked up this family is, with implications that either the dad and/or son had raped and/or impregnated the older daughter. This doesn’t seem all that strange, considering we see the dad raping the woman as well as seeing the son twisting her nipple with needlenose pliers as he touched his boner. The only character who shows any sort of rational thought is the oldest daughter’s teacher (Carlee Baker) stops by the house to see what the fuck is going on with this pregnant girl missing school. Sadly for her, Chris takes her out into some barn he has and she is attacked by dogs he owns, until she is eventually killed by a DIFFERENT feral person. How does this guy how such a problem with feral woodspeople going all crazy!? When she sees her teacher being attacked, the oldest daughter frees the woman from the basement who goes on to kill the mother, the father, and brother. She treats this new feral person as a pet, and then takes the rest of the surviving family into the woods to live as crazy, dirty idiots.

Bet you wish that apron protected you from getting your face ripped off and thrown around like you were a wrestler, huh?! Whoops, spoiler alert.

Doesn’t really sound all that bad, huh? I guess as far as the story goes, no, it wasn’t really all that bad. Something I think I forgot to mention is that there was a slow motion musical montage every five fucking minutes. I understand that music and score are just as important for setting the mood of a movie as much as cinematography is, but there were so many times where one musical sequence was just a segue to another musical sequence, then another, that there weren’t that many scenes without an accompanying song. Another reason why music can be useful is that if the viewer knows the song before watching the movie, they can bring that emotional attachment to that scene. Whether the scene matches the sentiments of the memories of that song, or if they are intentionally juxtaposed, it is a useful tool to enhance the experience for the viewer. That effect is completely lost when all the song used are shitty and feel like you stumbled onto some shitty modern rock radio station. In fact, I’m sure you could mute the movie and put on some goddamn Nickleback or something and get the same experience as watching it with the volume turned up.

I’m not sure if it was intentional to release this image as an homage to the ending of Sleepaway Camp, but either way, this face is fucking terrifying.

As far as the portrayal of a feral woman, I have to give “kudos” or “props” or “respect” or whatever the fuck you kids call it to Polyanna McIntosh in this movie. She really did a good job of acting the way an animal would in that situation, which of course involved lots of screaming. That doesn’t explain how she didn’t have hair in her armpits, considering she’s a wild woodswoman, but I digress. Sean Bridgers plays a character that you hate, and I certainly did hate him, which I never know whether to commend the actor for being so detesting or if the actor was doing a bad portrayal of a character that wasn’t intended to be so grimy. Angela Bettis played a weird character, as always, so again, it’s hard to tell if she was accurately portraying a character intended to be strange and detached from her situation, or if that character was intended to be something different. There were some interesting concepts and themes, as well as a couple good performances, but I didn’t really enjoy any of the stylistic choices that McKee made with this movie. Maybe I’m not too big a fan of his after all.

Wolfman Moon Scale

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ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! How can anyone, ANYONE, see this poster and not want to fucking see it? THIS LOOKS INSANE. Lady with sharp teeth. Nazis. Not much clothing. Blood. Brass knuckle/stabby knife combo thingy. The word “DEVIL” in the title. Of course I had to fucking see it! When I gave Rampaige a description of what it was about, I said “something about Nazis”, but even if I hadn’t been that descriptive, I know she would have been sold on just the fact that it had something to do with devils or rocks. I’m sure that if she asked what it was about and I had been able to telepathically project this image into her head, she would have gotten even more excited. And I must say, that despite starting this movie around midnight, she stayed awake for the whole thing! THE WHOLE THING! She’s normally asleep by 8:15! GOOD JOB!

You have been awarded five points for your Cannibal Holocaust reference!

It’s World War II (of course) and two soldiers from New Zealand are on a covert mission to destroy some Nazi base (of course) and discover there is scary Satan stuff happening (of course). One soldier is killed when found by Col. Klaus Meyer (Matthew Sunderland) while the other soldier, Captain Ben Grogan (Craig Hall), is merely taken captive. Meyer attempts to interrogate Grogan on why he’s there and what he’s doing, but Grogan can’t seem to focus because of the female screams he hears coming from nearby. I should also mention that this base they are at is a bunch of poorly lit tunnels and the base is littered with dead, mutilated Nazi soldiers. Grogan overpowers Meyer and when he tries to rescue the female, he sees its his dead wife Helena (Gina Varela). WAIT, WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?! Meyer explains how the Nazis are all about the occult and the person who appears to be Helena is actually a shape-shifting demon. Once she’s called on her bullshit, we see that yes, in fact she is a demon lady with bright red skin and horns and all that shit. A transmission comes through about a buttload of Nazis coming towards the island, so Meyer convinces Grogan to help him conduct a ceremony to banish her to Hell. This “demon bitch” keeps trying to get Grogan to feed her Meyer, because apparently evil people taste better. Scared that she’ll escape and kill the entire world, Grogan helps with the ceremony, only to have Meyer turn on him. Damn Nazis, you just can’t trust them anymore. Grogan gives him the slip and lets “Helena” feed on him. Keeping in mind what’s best for the war, Grogan does nothing to get rid of the demon, and instead tells her about hos many evil Nazis are coming her way that she can feast on. He says he will come back eventually to finish her off, but she can eat as many Nazi dickheads as she wants. The film ends as we see Grogan bury his wife’s picture on the beach as Nazi ships and planes and helicopters approach.

Things got pretty scary when she got all Aphex Twin-y.

I guess that cover made true of its promise, and I don’t know what else you could ask for in a movie like this. There were Nazis and demons and WWII things happening all at once, but really nothing more. I guess it was pretty cool that all of the effects were practical ones, so clearly the crew must have had a good time shooting, and the makeup effects for the demon were practical as well. On the one hand, it made everything feel like it was a movie you’d see on SyFy, but on the other hand you were thankful that it wasn’t shitty CGI. The whole time I was watching this movie I couldn’t help but think of how it’d be much more successful if it was one of those Masters of Horror short films as opposed to the 90 minute feature it turned into. I think there’s really only so much you can do when you take three actors and lock them in a bunker and see what happens. Granted, it held my attention for the whole thing, and the twist of the demon staying alive to kill more Nazis was pretty cool, but there wasn’t really anything else to it. I will have to say that it gets bonus points for their usage of evil insignias from the Necronomicon instead of just throwing pentagrams everywhere. It was a nice way of breaking things up a bit!

Wolfman Moon Scale

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