Friday the 13th (2009)

January 16, 2011 Leave a Comment



I have a pretty big man boner for Alexandre Aja. I mean come on, High Tension? Awesome. The Hills Have Eyes remake? Super awesome, possibly more enjoyable than the original. Piranha 3D? Holy fuck yeah. Mirrors? Well, everybody is allowed some mistakes. But when I found out he was going to be involved in the Friday the 13th remake I was pretty stoked. And then guess what happened? HE FUCKING STOPPED BEING INVOLVED! Bullshit, right? After finding that out, my interest in the film went from willing to see it theatrically to willing to get it out of that piece of shit Redbox service. That’s right, not even willing to put it on my Netflix queue, only willing to randomly rent it when I went to get groceries. And you know what made me watch this movie again? THE FACT THAT I NOW OWN IT ON BLU RAY! What a turn of events!



Hahaha, nice bag on your head you stupid piece of shit. Real intimidating.

 

The first five minutes of this film recreated the ending of the first film, with a voiceover from Jason’s mother talking about how pissed she was that her son died because of camp counselor negligence and fornication. Her head gets chopped off. We then see a figure hovering over her and then run into the woods, supposedly Jason. We then see a group of teens that are in search of drugs in the woods who have to camp out for the night. One couple goes exploring and finds a house, only to be interrupted by Jason trying to kill them. Another couple has sex in a tent after the girl whips out her jugs and smears baby oil all over them like it ain’t no thang. That girl happens to be America Olivo from Bitch Slap, by the way, who apparently my brother and I heard sing the National Anthem at a Cubs game? Oh, then another dude goes running into the woods to find weed, and he gets killed too. So all those characters we just met are all dead I guess? And Jason is wearing a bag over his head. Look at that! They’ve already summed up the first two movies in 20 minutes.



Why are you complaining? Who gives a shit? You’re all going to die.

 

So now we meet NEW teenagers, Travis Van Winkle plays a guy in search of his sister, who was one of the girls who supposedly got killed in the beginning, but he deserves it because he got to kiss Diora Baird in Stan Helsing. Ryan Hanson, from Party Down and Veronica Mars fame, and Willa Ford, who was one time some famous singer for some song, but she was famous in this for showing her boobs. Oh, and there’s a couple other arbitrary characters who die so who gives a shit. While Jason is trying to kill these assholes, he finds his iconic hockey mask to replace his fancy bag, so good for him. Anyways, Jason kills someone with a bow and arrow, he throws a tomahawk, he booby traps things, good old Jason antics. Eventually everybody dies except for the dude looking for his sister, and his sister, that he has found. They throw Jason into a woodchipper and then toss his body in Crystal Lake…..ONLY TO HAVE HIM JUMP OUT OF THE WATER AND GRAB THAT BITCH AT THE END LIKE HE DID IN THE FIRST MOVIE.



Maybe you should have rethought that whole “go waterskiing topless with creeps lurking in the woods” thing…

 

So let me just first talk about this film as I would any other slasher. It was fair. That’s about it. The plot didn’t really matter, it was just about the violence and the pleasure that you took from seeing the characters die. Between the drugs, boobs, and violence, this movie has pretty much everything you need in the equation. So how does it rank as a Friday the 13th film? Well, once again, it hit the major points of most of the films in the series, being drugs, boobs, and violence. This was a reoccurring theme in most of the films and it tied into the mythology of the character. The reason Jason drowned was because the counselors were too busy doing drugs and having sex, so the first film involved Jason’s mother wreaking havoc on them, which is why we always see characters that partake in these things dying. So there you have it, even though this film was a “remake”, they might as well have just made it the umpteenth installment of the series because it adheres to the mythology.



“GIVE CASEY JONES A HUG, YOU WEIRD FACED FUCK”

 

So what about all you cocksuckers complaining about the booby traps and the running and the fact that he kills people in more ways than just smashing them? Well, fuck you for thinking that. Similarly to Freddy Krueger, I feel as though Jason is a character who is larger than life who people don’t really know the “rules” of. In the first film, he wasn’t even the killer. In the second film, he didn’t wear the mask. It wasn’t until the third film that he got the mask, and the fourth film clearly shows him running after his victims. Also, the fourth film was intended to be the last, until it was successful. It seems as though from the fifth film on, he does adhere to the “rules” of Jason, but that’s only a little more than half of the franchise. Keeping in mind this is a remake, which is generally meant to reinterpret the source material, I think the filmmakers kept true with the Jason mythology. The use of beartraps, tomahawks, and archery are all tied in to the fact that he lives at/near campgrounds. These are probably all skills he picked up while he was younger or picked up from watching others. Granted, this movie didn’t really bring anything new to the equation, but I feel they successfully added another chapter into the series that surpassed a good majority of the installments, despite the fact that they broke “rules”.


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Saint Ange (2004)

September 8, 2010 Leave a Comment



Do you know how hard it is finding horror movies about ghosts that have been made in the past 10 years? Maybe I should say it’s hard finding good supernatural horror movies that have been made in the past 10 years. Since Paige puts up with a lot, and I mean, a LOT, I figured I should try to get some more supernatural horror movies, since those are what she likes. And I agree, most of the horror films I have watched lately have been more about killers than the paranormal. If you Google anything along the lines of “Best Supernatural Horror”, you typically get the same list of films, most of which I have already seen, and most are a couple of decades old. This film, however, was showing up on quite a few lists, at least more contemporary lists, and was surprised to have never heard of it. It also goes by the name “House of Voices”, according to Netflix, but that’s kind of confusing because it must be considered one big-ass house.



I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should be wandering the woods at night. But then again, I’m no doctor.



The movie starts with two little kids in a huge orphanage going to the bathroom together (yuck). The little boy starts investigating noises he hears through a mirror, then, WHOOPS, slips and cracks his head open and dies. Years later, a woman gets a job at this orphanage, in hopes of cleaning it up. But, as it turns out, there is only one orphan still living here, and it happens to be an older version of the little girl who witnessed the little boys death in the beginning of the movie. It appears that everything isn’t quite as it seems at this orphanage, as the two characters hear voices and see things, and investigate whats going on. Through their trials and tribulations, an underground hospital area is uncovered, but it’s still unclear what took place here, and whether it was bad things, or good things. Maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention, maybe I just didn’t care enough. Our main character dies, because she ends up giving birth while exploring, as she is found dead with her baby, umbilical cord still attached. The end?



I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should let old ladies flop on top of them. But then again, I’m no doctor.



Okay, I get it now, this movie is French, so it doesn’t have to make sense. Just kidding, I won’t write this film off that easily. For the most part, it was actually a pretty moody and atmospheric film, similar to The Orphanage. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the creative team behind The Orphanage saw this film and got inspired with all the places Saint Ange could have gone, but didn’t. Honestly, I just kept thinking, “Oh man, this is going to get REALLY creepy in the next few minutes…”, but then it never really did. Especially considering that with the ending, you assumed you might find some horrible secret as far as what was going on in the basement of the building, and it was pretty unclear as to what was actually going on. I mean, I assume that it was implied that but stuff was happening, but it was still pretty vague. I could have enjoyed this movie a lot more had that capitalized on the mood they spent the entire movie building upon, or had a slightly more concise story.


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From Hell

May 2, 2010 Leave a Comment

I didn’t even know this book existed until they made a movie “based” on it in 2001 starring Johnny Depp, but to be honest, I feel like a lot of people went through this experience. It’s been on my “to read” list for quite some time, so I figure waiting almost ten years from the movie being released was as good as any. I think I might have also subconsciously made a connection to Alan Moore hating this book, because he seems like a bitter and angry old hermit, chastising any work he has ever done. I know this isn’t entirely true, he just hates people taking his works and turning them into something completely different than what was intended. It’s not so much his own work that he hates, it’s just the money-making machine of Hollywood who will rape and pillage any interesting idea, especially if it involves conspiracies, murders, and prostitute. So I expect them to make a movie out of my autobiography any day now.

The masons always had the coolest handshakes, and I would know…

Speaking of murder, conspiracy, and prostitution, let me jump into the plot of this book. In case anyone has seen the movie, or planned on it, you might consider some of this stuff spoilers, but in the context of the book, there aren’t really many surprises. An heir to the throne has an illegitimate child with a “woman of the night”, but only the two of them know about it. Well, that is, until it is revealed that there are four other women of the night that also know this secret, and they wish to blackmail the royal family to make some extra money. The Queen then orders her best surgeon to take care of all these women, and the time frame coincides with the time frame and violence of Jack the Ripper.

Try saying THAT shit ten times fast! Or even once…I got distracted before finishing.

Let’s just get out of the way that Alan Moore is insane. Obviously I mean he is insane in the best way possible, being responsible for some of the best works of graphic fiction ever, but insane nonetheless. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually believes he time traveled to the 19th century, and his dialogue is pretty convincing. Not like I was alive back then, but still. He really just seems to have a lot of respect for what happened and trying to make things as accurate as possible. With both the geography of London, to the severity of the murders, to even bringing in the Elephant Man, he doesn’t seem to be glamorizing the murders, but rather posing the question “What if?”.  The combination of the politics and inclusion of the occult and freemasons, everything was tied together seamlessly and this “history” seems entirely possible.

Who would be gardening at night? Oh, that psycho freak the Elephant Man.

Moore’s contribution is only half of it. The art, done by Eddie Campbell, was what really tied this book together. Granted, his strong suit might not have been clearly defining differences between most of his male characters in his black and white sketches, but the dialogue helped keep everything flowing smoothly. And if I am mentioning dialogue, it should be mentioned that the dialogue was written by hand, whereas most comics just do all of that in post production. Not only was all the dialogue by hand, but he would sometimes change his own handwriting depending on which character was speaking, with how much intensity, and with what emotions. It really wasn’t until I started seeing his architectural sketches that I could truly appreciate his work. You might be flipping page after page of characters having sex or killing people, but as soon as you see one of his buildings, you can’t help but stop for a minute and take in every line of his work.

Lesson learned? Never trust a man in a top hat.

In retrospect, I am glad I waited this long to read this book, as it is quite a heavy piece of fiction. I mostly mean it’s actually heavy, because it’s big. Had I seen the movie starring Johnny Depp and ran out and read this, I would have been cranky. I also would have been like 15 years old and listening to Limp Bizkit or something, but that’s besides the point. The depictions of violence in black and white made the whole ordeal seem more gruesome as it looked sometimes as if even Campbell got caught up in the brutality and scribbled on the paper harder and harder. The sex scenes also seemed to be dirtier than if they were in full color, because seeing them in a sketch format, it seemed as though some old pervert was locked in his basement drawing these images and, well, I’ll let you fill in what he might be doing while thinking of those images. Moore uses the vernacular of the time to great effect, so you tend to forget that this story was taking place over a hundred years before blogs even existed. I wouldn’t recommend everyone run out and get this, but if you are willing to commit to it, it’s a wonderful piece of crime noir.

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