french « The Wolfman Cometh

Friday the 13th (2009)

January 16, 2011 Leave a Comment

I have a pretty big man boner for Alexandre Aja. I mean come on, High Tension? Awesome. The Hills Have Eyes remake? Super awesome, possibly more enjoyable than the original. Piranha 3D? Holy fuck yeah. Mirrors? Well, everybody is allowed some mistakes. But when I found out he was going to be involved in the Friday the 13th remake I was pretty stoked. And then guess what happened? HE FUCKING STOPPED BEING INVOLVED! Bullshit, right? After finding that out, my interest in the film went from willing to see it theatrically to willing to get it out of that piece of shit Redbox service. That’s right, not even willing to put it on my Netflix queue, only willing to randomly rent it when I went to get groceries. And you know what made me watch this movie again? THE FACT THAT I NOW OWN IT ON BLU RAY! What a turn of events!

Hahaha, nice bag on your head you stupid piece of shit. Real intimidating.

The first five minutes of this film recreated the ending of the first film, with a voiceover from Jason’s mother talking about how pissed she was that her son died because of camp counselor negligence and fornication. Her head gets chopped off. We then see a figure hovering over her and then run into the woods, supposedly Jason. We then see a group of teens that are in search of drugs in the woods who have to camp out for the night. One couple goes exploring and finds a house, only to be interrupted by Jason trying to kill them. Another couple has sex in a tent after the girl whips out her jugs and smears baby oil all over them like it ain’t no thang. That girl happens to be America Olivo from Bitch Slap, by the way, who apparently my brother and I heard sing the National Anthem at a Cubs game? Oh, then another dude goes running into the woods to find weed, and he gets killed too. So all those characters we just met are all dead I guess? And Jason is wearing a bag over his head. Look at that! They’ve already summed up the first two movies in 20 minutes.

Why are you complaining? Who gives a shit? You’re all going to die.

So now we meet NEW teenagers, Travis Van Winkle plays a guy in search of his sister, who was one of the girls who supposedly got killed in the beginning, but he deserves it because he got to kiss Diora Baird in Stan Helsing. Ryan Hanson, from Party Down and Veronica Mars fame, and Willa Ford, who was one time some famous singer for some song, but she was famous in this for showing her boobs. Oh, and there’s a couple other arbitrary characters who die so who gives a shit. While Jason is trying to kill these assholes, he finds his iconic hockey mask to replace his fancy bag, so good for him. Anyways, Jason kills someone with a bow and arrow, he throws a tomahawk, he booby traps things, good old Jason antics. Eventually everybody dies except for the dude looking for his sister, and his sister, that he has found. They throw Jason into a woodchipper and then toss his body in Crystal Lake…..ONLY TO HAVE HIM JUMP OUT OF THE WATER AND GRAB THAT BITCH AT THE END LIKE HE DID IN THE FIRST MOVIE.

Maybe you should have rethought that whole “go waterskiing topless with creeps lurking in the woods” thing…

So let me just first talk about this film as I would any other slasher. It was fair. That’s about it. The plot didn’t really matter, it was just about the violence and the pleasure that you took from seeing the characters die. Between the drugs, boobs, and violence, this movie has pretty much everything you need in the equation. So how does it rank as a Friday the 13th film? Well, once again, it hit the major points of most of the films in the series, being drugs, boobs, and violence. This was a reoccurring theme in most of the films and it tied into the mythology of the character. The reason Jason drowned was because the counselors were too busy doing drugs and having sex, so the first film involved Jason’s mother wreaking havoc on them, which is why we always see characters that partake in these things dying. So there you have it, even though this film was a “remake”, they might as well have just made it the umpteenth installment of the series because it adheres to the mythology.

“GIVE CASEY JONES A HUG, YOU WEIRD FACED FUCK”

So what about all you cocksuckers complaining about the booby traps and the running and the fact that he kills people in more ways than just smashing them? Well, fuck you for thinking that. Similarly to Freddy Krueger, I feel as though Jason is a character who is larger than life who people don’t really know the “rules” of. In the first film, he wasn’t even the killer. In the second film, he didn’t wear the mask. It wasn’t until the third film that he got the mask, and the fourth film clearly shows him running after his victims. Also, the fourth film was intended to be the last, until it was successful. It seems as though from the fifth film on, he does adhere to the “rules” of Jason, but that’s only a little more than half of the franchise. Keeping in mind this is a remake, which is generally meant to reinterpret the source material, I think the filmmakers kept true with the Jason mythology. The use of beartraps, tomahawks, and archery are all tied in to the fact that he lives at/near campgrounds. These are probably all skills he picked up while he was younger or picked up from watching others. Granted, this movie didn’t really bring anything new to the equation, but I feel they successfully added another chapter into the series that surpassed a good majority of the installments, despite the fact that they broke “rules”.

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Filed under 3 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with 24, adam scott, alexandre aja, america olivo, archery, axes, beartraps, bitch slap, boobs, boogey boarding, bow and arrow, butts, camp crystal lake, diora baird, france, freddy krueger, french, friday the 13th, high tension, i wanna be bad, jason voorhees, jet skiing, keifer sutherland, kelly brook, kevin bacon, lakes of crystals, machete, mirrors, mrs. voorhees, netflix, party down, piranha, piranha 3d, redbox, ryan hanson, stan helsing, the hills have eyes, tomahawks, travis van winkle, underwater boobs, veronica mars, wes craven, willa ford

Saint Ange (2004)

September 8, 2010 Leave a Comment

Do you know how hard it is finding horror movies about ghosts that have been made in the past 10 years? Maybe I should say it’s hard finding good supernatural horror movies that have been made in the past 10 years. Since Paige puts up with a lot, and I mean, a LOT, I figured I should try to get some more supernatural horror movies, since those are what she likes. And I agree, most of the horror films I have watched lately have been more about killers than the paranormal. If you Google anything along the lines of “Best Supernatural Horror”, you typically get the same list of films, most of which I have already seen, and most are a couple of decades old. This film, however, was showing up on quite a few lists, at least more contemporary lists, and was surprised to have never heard of it. It also goes by the name “House of Voices”, according to Netflix, but that’s kind of confusing because it must be considered one big-ass house.

I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should be wandering the woods at night. But then again, I’m no doctor.

The movie starts with two little kids in a huge orphanage going to the bathroom together (yuck). The little boy starts investigating noises he hears through a mirror, then, WHOOPS, slips and cracks his head open and dies. Years later, a woman gets a job at this orphanage, in hopes of cleaning it up. But, as it turns out, there is only one orphan still living here, and it happens to be an older version of the little girl who witnessed the little boys death in the beginning of the movie. It appears that everything isn’t quite as it seems at this orphanage, as the two characters hear voices and see things, and investigate whats going on. Through their trials and tribulations, an underground hospital area is uncovered, but it’s still unclear what took place here, and whether it was bad things, or good things. Maybe I wasn’t paying close enough attention, maybe I just didn’t care enough. Our main character dies, because she ends up giving birth while exploring, as she is found dead with her baby, umbilical cord still attached. The end?

I’m no doctor, but I don’t think pregnant women should let old ladies flop on top of them. But then again, I’m no doctor.

Okay, I get it now, this movie is French, so it doesn’t have to make sense. Just kidding, I won’t write this film off that easily. For the most part, it was actually a pretty moody and atmospheric film, similar to The Orphanage. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the creative team behind The Orphanage saw this film and got inspired with all the places Saint Ange could have gone, but didn’t. Honestly, I just kept thinking, “Oh man, this is going to get REALLY creepy in the next few minutes…”, but then it never really did. Especially considering that with the ending, you assumed you might find some horrible secret as far as what was going on in the basement of the building, and it was pretty unclear as to what was actually going on. I mean, I assume that it was implied that but stuff was happening, but it was still pretty vague. I could have enjoyed this movie a lot more had that capitalized on the mood they spent the entire movie building upon, or had a slightly more concise story.

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Filed under 2 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with basements, bathrooms, france, french, ghosts, guillermo del toro, house of voices, orphanage, orphans, paige, pregnant women, saint ange, sinks, supernatural horror, the orphanage, umbilical cords, woods

Pontypool (2008)

July 19, 2010 Leave a Comment

So I have kind of sort of been interested in watching this movie for almost 9 months now, with no real justification of why I want to see it. It was a film shown at the Music Box Massacre, a 24 hour horror movie marathon at Chicago’s Music Box Theatre. Having never seen it, or even heard of it before, I immediately added it to my Netflix queue. Mysteriously, it never actually shows up in my queue, just the Saved section. I mean, I know this movie exists, so what the fuck is the problem? It was made in Canada, do they not believe in DVD’s? Are they not the proper region? Do DVD’s made of maple syrup not hold up so well? And then, one fateful afternoon, I was in Blockbuster, and the mystery was solved. Right there, for sale, was a copy of Pontypool, and in big letters at the top it said “Blockbuster Exclusive!”. So I immediately turn to Paige and say “Hey, I think I wanted to see this at one point”, and history was made.

Even just looking at this guy, you can tell how awesome he sounds

Stephen McHattie plays Grant Mazzy, a washed up disk jockey stuck in a small Canadian town named Pontypool, where he is announcing school closures rather than engaging in political discourse. A call comes over the police scanner about a “hostage situation” and is somewhat made light of, then more and more details come in. The weatherman, who is supposedly in a helicopter but the town is so small he actually just parks his car on a hill, starts seeing riots, explosions, and violence, and reports everything to Mazzy. This is when “shit gets real”, as the kids say.

Yawning or yelling? You be the judge! Hint – he’s not yawning.

At this point, Mazzy is being contacted by people from the BBC, because the story is escalating out of control, and it’s hard to figure out what is actually going on in the town of Pontypool. Eventually, a doctor breaks into the radio station where all of this movie is taking place, and he starts shedding light on the situation. Turns out that there is a virus going around centered around the English language. It’s hard to explain in the movie and in this review, so I will spare you. Either way, the only way to avoid becoming “infected” is by remaining quiet, or speaking a foreign language. Mazzy’s producer even becomes infected, and they seek refuge in the recording booth. Rather than chronicle the last events of the film, I’m going to, well, not, because I don’t want to spoil anything.

Is it just me, or do most women look better with blood dripping from their mouths?

I guess maybe it was a good thing I had never really heard of this movie or spent too much time looking into it, because I went in with low expectations, and left quite pleased. The fact that the filmmakers so successfully conveyed the paranoid delusions of what could be happening, while having every scene take place in one building, was quite impressive. I know that even i was having doubts about whether or not the supposed events were actually happening, or if it was a similar reaction to the first time War of the Worlds was broadcast on the radio and everyone started losing their minds. Also, the concept of a disease of virus that spreads audibly rather than physically is also pretty interesting. It was similar to that film “The Signal”, which I thought had its moments but overall fell a little flat, whereas I feel “Pontypool” stuck a little more closely to the concept and was just that much more successful. Granted, this movie kind of falls apart towards the end when it tries to explain a little too precisely what’s happening, because it’s not really possible, but up until then you can completely buy what they’re selling.

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Filed under 4 Stars, Horror Film Tagged with blood, bloody stumps, canada, chciago, cowboy hat, crazy, dj's, english, french, jibberish, jim carrey, music box theatre, pontypool, psycho, radio, snow, stephen mchattie, the signal, vomit, weatherman

Irréversible (2002)

March 7, 2010 Leave a Comment

You might know this film, and ask why I am writing a review on a horror themed blog about a movie that isn’t horror. I’m sure anyone who has seen this film understand why it could certainly be considered horrific, and if you haven’t seen this film, I can tell you it is possibly more graphic and more brutal than whatever your favorite (insert obscure director’s name here) film might be. Maybe you walked out within the first twenty minutes, like hundreds of people at Cannes did, or maybe you loved every second of this film, or maybe you’ve never seen it, but it’s certainly had an impact on quite a few people.

“What could POSSIBLY go wrong tonight?!”

The plot of this movie isn’t the most in-depth or complicated, and you’ve probably seen it before. There’s two people in a relationship, they go to a party with the girls ex-boyfriend, on the way home from the party the girl is raped, the guys track down the rapist, and beat him to death. Gripping, isn’t it? However, this film is French…yeah that’s right I said it. It’s French, which means they get to take a plot like this and turn it into an intense piece of film that makes you want to puke. First of all, the story takes place backwards. Backwards. Meaning, the first scene we watch is the scene with someone being beaten to death. The following scene in the movie is the scene that chronologically precedes the beating. By implementing this style, it’s the same kind of thriller as Memento, where you know little more than the characters themselves do, which make you feel like you are equally invested in what’s going on. Although both films came out the same year, I feel like they both used these devices to heighten the experience of the viewer, and I feel like they achieved their goal.They made you deal with the crime, and figure out if the background justified things AFTER the fact.

Google image search my brain for “rape tunnel”, and this is what you would see

I mentioned the brutality of this movie, and I meant it. Specifically, two scenes, one being the rape itself, and the other being the aftermath. The victim of the rape is Monica Bellucci, who, given the opportunity, most men of the Earth’s population would gladly murder for the chance to honk her butt. The first time you see her, however, it is after a vicious beating, and you would never recognize her, so it’s that much harder a kick to the nuts when you see what she used to look like. The rape scene was filmed in one shot, over multiple takes, and lasted close to ten minutes long. You have to sit there in agonizing discomfort the whole time, without being given any sort of break while the rapist shouts about how good it feels to have the blood lubricate her b-hole. It’s rough, but makes you feel a little bit better about the opening beating.

Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci are married in real life…I’m jealous of both, secretly

I mentioned how many people walked out in the first twenty minutes at Cannes, and that wasn’t an exaggeration, and I can see why. When the film opens, the camera is constantly zooming in and out of scenes as well in and out of focus. In addition to that, the camera is also rotating 360 degrees on it’s z-axis (Google that if you don’t understand). The filmmakers also added in an extremely low frequency hum that has been connected to causing nausea in people that have prolonged exposure to it. So you are going in and out, while spinning head over heels, listening to the equivalent of the brown noise. Not to mention that the character is running around in a dark club with only a few neon signs accenting the background, as well as the fact that it takes place in a gay club where you see various patrons taking part in sexual activities. So when the camera finally stops all this movement, the image that comes to focus is a head that has been caved in by 20-30 pulverizing hits from a fire extinguisher….of which, you see and feel the impact of. Not to mention the fact that, SPOILER ALERT, after you watch the rape, you realize that the rapist wasn’t even the one who got killed. This film might not be for everyone, and it’s certainly exhausting, but if you can stomach it, I recommend it.

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