I probably should have done this a few weeks ago, shouldn’t I have? I think the problem was that back in March, when I had previously posted entries like this, I was seeing stuff that would have been on this list. I think I was also hesitant to make this list because last year I remember there being many less titles on it than the year prior, but looking at what’s coming out this summer, there’s tons of shit! It doesn’t mean that these movies will be good, and some of them I’m only mildly excited about, but one reason I do this list is also to help me keep track of what I need to be on the lookout for. Thanks, list! If there was a movie that came out already and isn’t on this list, then that’s because I’ve already reviewed it ya dingus! Some of you might wonder why The Purge isn’t on here but that’s because I already saw it and will go to jail if I talk about it. With that being said, take a look at what I’m looking forward to!
Aftershock – May 10th
We get to see Eli Roth doing his acting thing again, and even though I really have no idea what this movie is about, possibly earthquakes, the reaction has been really divisive. People who have seen it either really love it or absolutely fucking HATE it, so I’d at least like to weigh in on other side of the debate. Although I do think one of the big reasons people are upset is because of rape, so I hope this movie doesn’t make rape look cool. Rape’s not cool, guys.
Star Trek Into Darkness – May 17th
What a terrible title! Hahaha. I mean, really? Turning the established title into a sentence? That makes no goddamned sense. I can’t wait for the next Iron Man film, “Iron Man I Hate Thanos!”. All jokey jokes aside, I’m pretty excited for this movie. I thought the first one was a ton of fun and I luckily know next to nothing about the mythology of the franchise so nothing can happen that will be egregiously wrong. I know that the guy who plays Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch is in it and people are super excited about that. I don’t know anything about that show either, so I guess I’m just a big dumb stupid ugly loser piece of shit. Wow, real nice, guys. Real nice.
Fast & Furious 6 – May 24th
FUCK YOU FOR JUDGING ME. I saw the first movie when I was in high school and even back then I knew it was dumb. I went to see the fourth film to humor two friends of mine and really only remember something about driving through caves? Maybe? Does that make sense to anyone? When the fifth movie was released, these same two friends said, “We HAVE to go see this one! I mean, we saw that last one together!” I knew that I had buttfucked myself by going to the fourth, so I guess now I’m in it for good. The problem with this next film is….it actually looks kind of entertaining. I generally don’t make it a point to check out movies whose genre is “action”, unless there’s also “horror” or “science fiction” added in there somewhere, too. I saw that this movie has a LOT of jumping into/ out of cars that are driving really fast, so that looks pretty funny. THERE’S ALSO A FUCKING TANK. Since the tank clearly isn’t fast, that means it’s going to be furious as Hell! And look at how muscle-y The Rock is! Oh man, this movie’s going to be crazy.
Man of Steel – June 14th
My biggest issue with Zack Snyder as a writer is that he typically interprets the stories he adapts in a way that I don’t really agree with. I’m not denying that he has a very interesting visual style, it’s just his writing that I don’t really like. I’m curious to see how he’ll interpret a character that I’ve never really connected with in any medium, despite me doing my best to try. If nothing else, Snyder will make Superman look “cool” again, and any opportunity to see Michael Shannon look like a maniac is something I support.
This Is The End – June 14th
I want this movie to come out so fucking badly. Have you fucking seen the cast list?! Seth Rogen teaming up with James Franco again, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, and Emma Watson? Keep in mind that these are just the MAIN cast members. If you really want to blow your wad, just look at the cast list on IMDb to see how many other, hilarious people are in the film playing themselves. Fuck, this movie’s going to be so funny. Even if all the funny parts are in the trailer, I don’t give a shit because those scenes are amazing so far.
World War Z – June 21st
I definitely have mixed feelings about this movie, but I also had mixed feelings when approaching the book it was based on. This movie has been in development and filming and having reshoots for what feels like at least 3 years, so I am curious to see if the movie ends up actually being worth it. Even though I love the original Dawn of the Dead and the way it portrayed zombies taking over the world, I’m curious to see what happens when you take a similar scenario and level of societal degradation and crank that shit all the way up. The trailer has zombies knocking over buses and jumping off of roofs to grab helicopters and using their own dead bodies to stack high enough to climb over walls, so if the entire movie is that batshit bonkers, it could end up being a LOT of fun.
Pacific Rim – July 12th
One thing that I’ve thought about lately is that even though I love most of Guillermo Del Toro’s films, he hasn’t really released his “epic” movie. He’s released movies that are big in scale, but certainly not his “masterpiece”. This looks like it will be his biggest film to date, and is just giant fucking robots destroying giant fucking monsters. What’s not to love about that? And if anything, hopefully it’ll show Hollywood how amazing he is and he has another opportunity like he had after Pan’s Labyrinth where he just has a shit ton of money thrown at him to do whatever he wants.
R.I.P.D. – July 19th
This is another film that I’m curious about, if only for the fact that it’s been under development almost as long as World War Z. Something about cops? And the paranormal? Kind of like Hellboy, but not? I don’t know, Jeff Bridges is pretty awesome, I actually kind of enjoy Ryan Reynolds, and it was filmed in New England. That place fucking rules.
The Conjuring – July 19th
Since I knew there was going to be another installment in the Insidious franchise, when I saw Patrick Wilson on-screen investigating the paranormal, I immediately though it was going to be a trailer for that. When I saw Vera Farmiga, I knew this was going to be something different, and that lady’s awesome. I dug the haunted house aspect of things, because I love me some ghosts, but the whole “based on the case files of Dr. Fartypants and Dr. Buttstinker”, I lost interest. Then we get the classic “From the _______ of Insidious and Saw”, which every fucking horror movie trailer has now, I lost interest even further. Who knows, could be cool stuff.
The Wolverine – July 26th
Nope, still haven’t watched the trailer for this movie. I’m mostly posting The Wolverine in this post so I don’t forget that it comes out this summer. GUYS, THE WOLVERINE COMES OUT THIS SUMMER. DON’T LET ME FORGET. It’s just….I just….ugh. Having Darren Aronofsky drop out was a pretty major bummer, since that guy’s awesome, but the new director also did 3:10 to Yuma? That movie was pretty good. Maybe this one will feel more like some of the Wolverine comics? That last movie he was in wasn’t very good, so this HAS to be better than that…right? RIGHT? HELLO?
Elysium – August 9th
How awesome was District 9? SO AWESOME! I KNOW! That’s why I’m excited for Elysium. It’s the first movie that Neill Blomkamp has done since District 9, and I hear that the trailer looks awesome. Why haven’t I watched the trailer, you ask? Because I already know I’m gonna go see it! That’s why! How many fucking times do I have to tell you how much I hate watching trailers?! It’s like I’m talking to myself here! Anyways, I guess Blomkamp was working on a movie adaptation of Halo and it’s quite apparent by some of the visuals in the movie, so maybe for some people this is a movie version of Halo? I don’t know, I haven’t played that game. Helpful information once again, Wolfman!
Kick-Ass 2 – August 16th
Maybe using the term “excited” about Kick-Ass 2 is a little bit of an overstatement. I liked the first arch in the comics and I liked the first movie. So far, so good. The second arch wasn’t bad either, but this movie looks fucking terrible. Hey guys, look! Jim Carrey being a wacky superhero old guy! How funny! Hit Girl is the best thing to come out of this entire story, but now she looks more like Hit Teenager, so we’ll see if this movie ends up being anywhere near as good as the first one.
The World’s End – August 23
Wait, isn’t this movie already on the list? NO, IT’S NOT! THERE’S TWO MOVIES WITH A NAME LIKE THIS, GUYS! DON’T GET CONFUSED! I made a joke on the internet where I pretend to confuse the two and multiple people tried to help me clarify it. This is the Edgar Wright movie with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, in addition to a whole bunch of other awesome people, but any time Simon Pegg and Nick Frost get together, an awesome movie results. Add the fact that it’s an Edgar Wright movie and a conclusion to the trilogy of buddy comedies this trio works on, I’m sure it’ll be fantastic. Sadly, this movie is going up against another awesome movie opening that weekend…
You’re Next – August 23rd
I know, I mentioned that I didn’t need to include movies on this list that I’ve already seen, but this movie was fucking awesome (as you can read in my review), and since it will get a wide theatrical release, I know I’ll be going to see it at least one or two more times. I’m going to bring my friends! Or I’ll become friends with everyone in the theater. WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE GREAT FRIENDS AND HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER WATCHING YOU’RE NEXT BECAUSE IT FUCKING RULES!
Now that I put them all together, it looks like there are a LOT more movies coming out this summer that I have at least a small interest in as compared to last summer. I think Star Trek Into Darkness is the big one that I’m most looking forward to, although I’m hoping that Pacific Rim is as awesome as I hope it will. I also wonder if This Is The End will be funnier than The World’s End. Even if all the movies on this list suck, I know that You’re Next will be awesome again and it can make up for the whole summer. HERE’S TO YOU, SHORTS WEATHER!