Remember back when the internet was a scary and confusing place? I’m not saying it’s not a scary and confusing place now. I mean, I still get confused trying to figure out how to make more space between the pictures and the captions. And I get scared of being violated when trying to find a free, non-urine covered couch on Craigslist. I meant the kind of scary when people didn’t know it’s capacity and limit to information. Have you ever seen the movie The Net? Kind of like that movie, where the internet was just some concept, and it was hard to grasp what exactly was going on other than fear of the internet. This movie was kind of like that. More specifically, it’s like using an “internet cafe” at your local mall, which happens to be near a Hot Topic. I’ll discuss that a little bit more in a second.

 

Face tattoos AND facial piercings?! How could he be anything BUT a psycho!

The movies opens with Linda Cardellini, yes I mean Velma from the recent Scooby Doo movies, using a chatroom. There are maybe 20 people in the chatroom, and she is explaining to her friend how the social networking chatroom works. This results in a random person inviting her to a party, and obviously she goes. How could going to a party you were just invited to by a stranger on the internet be a bad thing?!

Every Google image result was a picture of Dee Snider. I decide to instead type in “I hate Wolfgang” and this was the result.

Yup, she gets kidnapped and tortured. Her father happens to be a cop investigating the case. He finds her car in a river and noticed some weird piece of metal in the trunk. The tow truck driver says something along the lines of “WOW I KNOW WHAT THAT IS AND IT’S USED WITH NOSE PIERCINGS WOW I’M COOL I HAVE TATTOOS!’. This leads the detectives to some wacky rave freakshow with black lights and glow sticks and piercings and “heavy metal” and all the typical bullshit that Hollywood thinks is edgy and scary and weird. I don’t remember everything that follows, except the eventually catch the guy and send him to a mental institution. The end, right?

 

Rut Roh Raggy!

DEAD FUCKING WRONG. WE’RE ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THIS PIECE OF SHIT MADNESS. Dee Snider plays the bad guy. Yes, the Twisted Sister himself. Ya know how I know he’s a psycho? He has face tattoos. After his rehabilitation, he is released into the general population, and uses makeup on his face tattoos to appear as less of a psycho. DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY, DEE! Robert Englund shows up, playing a concerned citizen exacting his own brand of revenge. It’s like that movie where the pedophile was killed by citizens and he started wearing sweaters and razor hands…but different. Englund and his buddies get Dee Snider because they’re all like “WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT…NO, WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT” and they lynch Dee Snider, which I’m sure we have all thought of doing before. But, and of course there is a but, they hang him from a tree while it’s raining, so the branch breaks and his makeup is washed off. HIS FACE TATTOOS REMIND HIM OF HIS PSYCHO WAYS AND HE ONCE AGAIN BECOMES A PSYCHO FREAK! I couldn’t care less about what happened after this, other than Dee Snider was set on fire in a church while swinging around from hook in his back. No, you didn’t read that incorrectly, Dee Snider was set on fire in a church while swinging around from hooks in his back.

 

Joe Pesci and Danny Glover star in Gone Fishin.

This movie was truly awful. And they made it as recently as 1998, when people realized the internet wasn’t that scary. I think they had already made their way to AOL 5.0 by that time. There was also a weird preaching scene about tattoos and piercings and how they are more than meets the eye, which is where Hot Topic comes into play. I am reminded of a kid who gets his first tattoo/piercing and goes into the deep symbolism behind it because his parents now think of him as a lowlife punk, and he’s all, “It’s a spiritual connection to the Shaman of my ancestors blah blah blah”. Nope, bullshit, it’s called “body art” for a reason. Reason being, it’s a way to change your physical appearance in order to be more artistically appealing…to some people. I didn’t get a giant shark fighting stormtroopers and Dr. Pepper cans tattooed on me to connect me to the primitive shark men in my heritage that fought against evil doctors who made everyone sneeze with their medicine, embodied in an aluminum can because I remember how hard the aluminum shortage of 1942 was on everyone and thought about the evil stormtroopers of Nazi Germany. I got it because it’s awesome. This movie, not awesome, it was terrible. And Wolfgang, fuck you for tricking me into thinking I should have seen this, because I thought you had, but you randomly chose a movie title from your ass because you saw it on the shelf at Movie Gallery all the time. Goddammit I am pissed I watched this.

 

Wolfman Moon Scale

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