Well, ladies and gentleman, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news. The good news? At this point in time, I have ten movies in my review queue, so there are plenty of entertaining posts you can look forward to. The bad news? Most of those movies were terrible. And Borderland was certainly no fucking exception. Come the fuck on, the cover has a goddamned goat head thing on it! How could this be bad?! Even the description involved some of my favorite things. Things like “cult”, “based on a true story”, “Satan”, “Rider Strong“, and something to the effect of “Sean Astin‘s best fucking movie ever!”. How could I go wrong?! I expected Boy Meets World plus Rudy plus Satan, but guess what? WRONG.

I can hear your thoughts, and I agree, I wish you didn’t sign on for this movie either.

There are a couple of douchebag college kids that are vacationing in Mexico for some sort of break or graduation or something that people supposedly celebrate. They are partying, doing drugs, having sex with Mexican ladies, all the stuff you would expect. But, believe it or not, SOMETHING GOES WRONG! Rider Strong gets kidnapped and is held captive by Sean Astin, while Rider Strong’s buddies are trying to look for him. Bad news guys…IT’S FUCKING MEXICO! WE ALL KNOW HOW CORRUPT MEXICO IS! AND HOW NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT AMERICANS! Or at least, that’s what we assume from every American interpretation of Mexico on film. They can’t trust police, or each other, and there are at least half a dozen scenes of people getting the shit chopped out of them with machetes. Ya know, because those are on every fucking cornerstore in Mexico. Eventually, Rider Strong’s friends are able to track down his location and there is a big standoff where some people die and some people live, but I don’t really give a shit which ones were which.

Mexican Machete Massacre! How’s that for alliteration, you fucks.

This was awful. Rampaige and I were barely able to get through it, much less keep track of who was doing what and why. And guess what? ANOTHER GEM FROM NETFLIX INSTANT! We watched this after we watched Wicked Little Things, so I think we just had higher hopes. Sadly, this movie was a piece of dogshit. Sadly for who? EVERYONE. Supposedly this was based on a true story where around 20 people were killed as offerings to the leader of some Satanic cult. I think in the movie, the title cards at the end had that number MUCH higher. I feel like the “true” story behind the film was that someone kidnapped Rider Strong and Sean Astin, and the kidnapper was Satan, and they were truly held captive and forced to act this movie out. I don’t even know why there’s a goathead on the cover, other than to trick people into thinking “WHOA THAT’S SCARY, THIS MOVIE MUST BE GOOD!”. Well, guess what, it worked, and you wasted 90 minutes of my life. Fuck you, Borderland. Fuck you.

Wolfman Moon Scale