Alright, so, you see that poster up there? Well, it’s funny, because that poster is almost exactly the same as what the cover of the DVD is. The cover of the DVD is what caused Rampaige and I to stop on it momentarily to see what it was about. The biggest difference between the poster and the DVD cover? Well, if you Google the cover, you’ll see that exact poster, but at the top, you’ll see the faces of the three ladies in this movie. I’m serious! They realized how shitty this movie was and figured the only way to entice people to see it was with the promise of at least one, if not all, of the ladies on the cover losing their clothes. I’m pretty sure that’s why Rampaige wanted to watch it. Okay, well, that might not be entirely true. However, when I stopped long enough to see the description, we saw that it took place in some town that had the word “cave” in the name. Not only that, but it also supposedly took place in Kentucky! Whoa! Caves + Kentucky + three ladies who look like they have loose morals = SOLD!

I pulled pictures directly from the films website because look at how stupid that border is! HAHAHA.

There’s seven college-aged people discussing how they are going to go on a hike, and they all go on this hike! Remember that movie Wrong Turn? Well, imagine that premise, except with these seven people instead of those other ones you saw in that other movie. Nothing redeeming or entertaining happens to any of the characters, so I’ll just try to remember how they all die. Let’s see, there’s four guys, and the first guy gets killed after having sex with his girlfriend because his face gets smashed with some sort of pickaxe or sledgehammer or something. The girls he just had sex with, yes I said girls, because he finished having sex with his girlfriend and then another one jumped out of the woodwork, well the two of them get kidnapped by the “redneck” character. One of the ladies gets killed after being captured, and one of the guys gets killed trying to rescue the alive lady. That alive lady escapes, but only long enough to fall off of a cliff and get run over by a truck. That means there are three left, I think. One guy gets hit in the head with a stick that was thrown at him, causing his neck to break. He gets dragged back to the redneck’s hideout or something, and the other two characters try to rescue him. Broken neck guy gets killed, and the only living lady smashes and kills the redneck with a pickaxe, but gets stabbed by the bad guy in the process. We’re down to just one guy left who tries to leave in a car, but noticing a problem, pops the hood. A machete pops out at him from under the hood, and when we see the wound in his stomach, the film abruptly and harshly starts the credits.

“Actually, we got hired to NOT show our boobs, thank you very much!”

There are some things you kind of come to expect when it comes to horror movies, and you end up just taking them for granted. Two things you can generally count on is some amount of sex, as well as some amount of violence. No matter how bad a movie is, seeing an arbitrary sex scene or a gruesome, bloody death makes it almost worth watching. This movie has failed on all accounts. First of all, it was shitty, with bad actors and bad dialogue. One character just kind of yelled “BEER!” for the first ten minutes while another character poured beer onto the seat of a lady he liked and then drank the beer. Ya know, because it got him that much closer to putting his actual tongue in her actual butthole. At this point in the movie you can kind of throw out all expectations of it being good, however, seeing the way the female leads were dressed, kind of assumed it was an excuse to see hooters. It should also be mentioned that the description of this movie on Netflix used the term “gory”, so you can see why I expected that. Despite the characters having sex and talking about sex and just talking about butts a lot, there’s no gratuitous nudity. Not even any essential nudity! Okay, fine, we can move past that, because there’s bound to be gore, right? Wrong. Two character get smashed in the head and you can’t really see anything, another is run over, two are stabbed, and most of the kills happen off-screen. It’s almost like some of the actors even knew how terrible this movie was and tried to make it comedic. There were a whole bunch of fart jokes, and just nothing really made sense. It was a pile of shit. No blood, no boobs, no reason at all to watch this terrible, terrible movie.

Wolfman Moon Scale