So you’re telling me the mastermind behind three of the nineteen Saw movies was the guy behind THIS movie?! HOW COULD I HAVE WAITED SO LONG?! Just kidding, guys, those Saw movies are terrible. I suppose that is one reason why this movie has been sitting at my house for over a month, collecting dust and wasting my money. Not only is this movie loosely based on the movie from 1980 of the same name, but also somewhat based on an actual home invasion that happened in Kansas back in 200! You’ve got remake, based on true events, AND someone who brought us three Saw movies?! IT’S LIKE THE TRIFECTA OF PERFECTION! Yuck.
“Yeah! You! Over there!”
The movie opens with a scene of a woman going into a hospital and taking a baby, and when security gets pissed, we realize that this lady is stealing the baby. We then cut to a not so happy couple who are having a housewarming party. With a tornado approaching, the members of the party stay down in the basement to do things that party people do, like play pool and listen to disco music and act like fuckheads. They are having too much fun and don’t notice that three bank robbers break in upstairs! These robbers used to live here, and when one of them was critically injured in a botched robbery, they realize that their family no longer lives there. One of the party people is a doctor, so they bring him up to repair the guy who was shot, and these three brothers contact their mom and sister and wait for them to arrive. When the mom, played by Rebecca De Mornay, does show up, she’s not too happy with her boys and how they’re handling things. She mentions having to leave the country and how expensive that can be, and that’s when the boys tell her everything will be okay because of all the money they’ve been sending…TO THE HOUSE THEY NO LONGER LIVE IN! Who has the money?!
Can’t say I recommend you scratching your arm with a gun, bro. Probably not a good idea.
While questioning the husband who lives there, his fingers are smashed by a pool ball. The bad guys take the wife out into the decreasing weather conditions to find the money, so the people back at the house try to escape in a few ways, resulting in a few different methods of torture. Ladies are forced to strip, one guy has boiling water poured onto his ears, all the classic staples of torture. We learn that the husband who lives there has been cheating on his wife, and that the homeowners have a dead child, and a whole bunch of other stuff. When the wife gets back to the house with the money, it’s revealed that the wife was hiding the money, AND EVERYTHING COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED. But apparently the wide who lived there was pregnant and was saving all the money to run away. We also learn that Rebecca De Mornay’s character was infertile and all of her children had been stolen, as opposed to having shot them out of her puss. Lots of characters die, and the only survivors are the wife and a couple of her lady friends, which we know because we see all of them going into a hospital so the lady can shit out her baby. That’s when we learn that the mother of the bad guys has survived, and we know that because that was HER in the opening scene that was stealing the baby of the main character! Oh no!
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that girl in that dress looks like she was dressed by someone else. YOU’D BE RIGHT! Mother dearest wanted her dying son to fuck her, so she had to change out of her goth clothes. BUT WE KNOW SHE’S A GOTH FOREVER!!!!!!
HOW DID THEY CRAM SO MUCH SHIT INTO ONE MOVIE?! Wait, excuse me, I meant to say WHY DID THEY CRAM SO MUCH SHIT INTO ONE MOVIE?! I think one of the reasons I was hesitant to watch this movie was seeing how long it was on the Blu-ray sleeve. Almost two hours? How the fuck are they going to entertain me for two hours? You take the characters out of the home that is invaded, you include lectures from the villains about how everyone is willing to kill others if it means staying alive, and you have your lead actress fuck up her escape attempts MULTIPLE times. There were at least three instances where the main actress, Jaime King, is able to take her assailant by surprise, and she fucks it up every single time. I think the gore/special effects and methods of torture were pretty brutal, and the oncoming tornado was a good obstacle that prevented police involvement, and I even liked the twist at the end involving the baby stealing. What I didn’t like was the amount of time wasted on characters whining and complaining about how they aren’t going to get away safely. I would have liked this movie far more had it been 20-30 minutes shorter.
Wolfman Moon Scale