I don’t really remember how I had been recommended to watch Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare, but I’m sure as shit going to recommend it to everyone I ever see for the rest of my life. I was pretty excited to put the movie in, but got pretty scared that when the title came up, it said “The Edge of Hell”, because I had no idea what that was. With the movie having been made in the 80’s, it was one of those movies filmed under one name and had its title changed later to try to appeal to more people. I wish that I had paid closer attention to the opening credits so that I could have realized that the film not only starred Jon Mikl Thor, but also that the movie was written by him. That made a lot more sense, as it definitely seemed to be a project of passion. After even FURTHER investigation, I realized that Jon Mikl Thor is none other than Canadian hard rocker THOR, who I had seen on YouTube with a cape and glittery hammer inflating a hot water bottle to the point of explosion on The Merv Griffin Show. Given all of these factors, it’s surprising that I had never really tried to track down this movie earlier and how I only kind of randomly put it on, but sometimes that’s the best way to enjoy this kind of stuff. Considering that the less you know, the more enjoyable this movie is, I will recommend EVERYONE go watch this movie right now, because it’s amazing, but for those of you who don’t have access to it or hate watching movies or something, I’ll give it my best shot at capturing ANY of the amazing things that happen in this movie.

I mean, this is how good John Mikl Thor looks at the BEGINNING of the movie, so think of how good it gets from there.

A family is getting ready for breakfast when the mom screams, causing the dad to run down the stairs, opens the oven, and finds her cooked skeleton jumping out of it. NOW WE’RE TALKING! Ten years later, the heavy metal band “The Tritons” are on their way to this very house that has been converted into a recording studio. Just when you thing these rockers will get to safely record their album with no major issues, we see a little demon cyclops dildo looking thing puke into their manager’s cup, and then the manager drinks from it. OH NO! Over the course of the band’s vacation at this house, they are picked off, one by one, either by becoming a demon themselves or by then getting attacked by a demon. Lead singer John Triton (Jon Mikl Thor) seems to think all of these disappearances aren’t anything to be alarmed by, until his wife is attacked by a demon and reveals herself to be the devil…I think? You’d think this would bother your average heavy metal lead singer, but John Triton is no average heavy metal lead singer. In fact, he reveals himself to not even be a heavy metal lead singer, but the archangel known as Triton! In case you’re worried about all the band members being killed or turned into demons, Triton admits that those were all just projections he created that were inspired by characters he saw in horror movies and they were just bait to get the devil to appear! Triton and the Devil have a showdown that involves the devil throwing these weird tentacled cyclops demon things at Triton, but he doesn’t really give a shit and destroys the Devil and it’s the greatest because Triton wins! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Some people would call this a clash of titans but I call it a clash of TRITONS! FUCK YEAH!

HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS WAS INCREDIBLE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW I CAN REVIEW THIS MOVIE WITHOUT TYPING EVERYTHING IN FUCKING CAPS LOCK. HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS MOVIE?! IT’S FUCKING INSANE. THIS MOVIE HAS EVERYTHING YOU FUCKING WANT OUT OF ANY MOVIE EVER. IT’S GOT HEAVY METAL. THERE’S DEMONS. THERE’S TITS AND SEX. AT ONE POINT, THE BAND’S MANAGER SAYS, “WHIP OUT YOUR BAZOOMS.” BAZOOMS MEANS TITS, PEOPLE. AT ONE POINT, WHEN THE DRUMMER FUCKS UP, THE BASS PLAYER LOOKS OVER AT HIM AND SAYS, “SMOOTH MOVE, WONDER WALLABY.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! CAN ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME?! THE CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE INVOLVES TRITON WEARING A SPIKE STUDDED SPEEDO AND WILDMAN HAIR. TRITON JUST HAS THESE FUCKING DOLLS BEING THROWN AT HIM AND HE HAS TO PRETEND LIKE THEY ARE LIVING THINGS ATTACKING HIM. DID I MENTION THERE’S HEAVY METAL ROCK N’ ROLL? I JUST…WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE. THERE’S SO MANY AMAZING THINGS. I DON’T WANT TO RUIN ANYTHING ELSE FOR YOU. WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING HERE AND READING THIS? THIS MOVIE WAS FILMED IN 7 DAYS , AND THESE FILMMAKERS ACCOMPLISHED JUST AS MUCH AS GOD DID WHEN HE WAS CREATING THE UNIVERSE. INSTEAD OF RESTING ON THE 7TH DAY, THESE GUYS OBVIOUSLY ROCKED THEIR FUCKING FACES OFF WITH A RIGHTEOUS PARTY BECAUSE THEY HAD JUST DESTROYED THE DEVIL. I GOTTA GO, I’VE LOST MY MIND.

Wolfman Moon Scale