Now that 2013 is over and done with, I no longer feel the pressure to post things under any sort of theme. Instead, I’m getting back to reviewing whatever fucking garbage I feel like talking about. As some of you might have seen on my Twitter account a few days ago, I told the true story of my attempts to pick out a movie. Wanting to watch something fun, I incorrectly turned to my Blu-ray collection, which is filled with horror movies and long, boring, depressing dramas. Instead, I opted to get out my DVD copy of Hotel for Dogs, a movie I’ve seen easily ten times. Maybe even by the time you finish reading this post, I can make that 20 times. Let me be clear with you: I LOVE HOTEL FOR DOGS WITH ABSOLUTELY NO IRONY. Judge me all you want, but it’s a movie about a bunch of dogs who live at a hotel. WHAT THE FUCK COULD BE IRONIC ABOUT THIS?! Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Having dedicated so many tweets to this movie, I figured that it was my blog and I could talk about anything I fucking wanted, so here it is, a review of Hotel for Dogs. (spoilers ahead)

This is Friday and he’s a pretty cool dog.

There’s this cool-ass little white dog running around the city like he owns the place and he grabs a hot dog out of this guy’s hand. Hahahaha, off to a great start, Hotel for Dogs! This dog makes his way back to his owners, which are two orphan children. They get arrested for selling a box of rocks to some pawn shop so Don Cheadle takes them back to their foster parent’s house. Their foster parents are Phoebe from Friends and that guy from Entourage who’s the brother of that guy from One Night at McCool’s. The foster parents don’t like dogs so Friday is kept in secret. One night, Friday escapes and the kids find him in, of all places, AN ABANDONED HOTEL! Is this the titular hotel? YOU BET YOUR FUCKING ASS. But there’s only one dog there, and the title implies multiple dogs, I’m confused? THERE ARE ALREADY TWO DOGS LIVING THERE! A big one named Lenny and a Boston Terrier named Georgia. A big dog and a little dog? THAT’S A SOLID COMBO. One of the orphans is played by Emma Roberts but don’t get all horny, fellas, she’s like, 15 in this movie. She needs to get food for three dogs but the guy who works at the food store wants to honk her boobs so he’s like, “YO, DO YOU WANT EVEN MORE DOGS FOR YOUR DOG HOTEL?!” and she wants her boobs honked so she’s all, “FUCK YEAH!” THIS MEANS THERE’S NOW SIX DOGS AT THE HOTEL! The boy orphan is a genius or something I guess so he builds all these contraptions that make it easier for the dogs to piss and shit and fetch, and when they realize how big this hotel is, you know what these little fuckers do? THEY DECIDE TO GET ALL OF THE DOGS ON THE PLANET! Well, all the homeless dogs.

Georgia is on the left and Lenny is on the right and they are two cool dogs.

A simple montage later, we see that the hotel is FILLED TO THE FUCKING BRIM WITH AWESOME AS SHIT DOGS. They’re all having a great time and acting like best friends because that’s what cool-ass dogs do. When Emma Roberts goes to a party, that’s when shit gets all fucked up because something happens to the dog entertaining devices and ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOOSE. DOGS ARE EATING HOT DOGS AND CHASING BONES AND BUTTFUCKING EACH OTHER AND THE CRAZIEST SHIT YOU’VE EVER SEEN DOGS SO IS HAPPENING. The dogcatchers come and take all the dogs to the pound and then Don Cheadle tells the kids that nobody loves them so they have to go to separate orphanages. I can’t really remember how it happens but the two orphans basically say, “FUCK THAT,” and decide to spring all the dogs from dog jail by tying a bunch of cured meats to the back of a truck and driving through the city. When all the dogs and police and news reporters and basically the entire fucking city shows up at the badass dog hotel, you’d think everyone is going to jail for life, but then Don Cheadle shows up to set shit straight. He does a roll call of every dog that lives in the hotel and explains how some of them were just left behind when their owners moved or how another was hit by a car and the owner couldn’t pay for it so he left him there and how another dog got stuck under a fence and the other dog didn’t want to abandon it so OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU READ THIS WITHOUT CRYING?! The city realizes how badass the dogs are and Don Cheadle adopts these kids and that’s the end of the movie. FUCK THAT, I LIED. THE MOVIE ISN’T OVER. We get to see that all of the dogs are given JOBS to stimulate the DOG ECONOMY and this giant fucking hotel is now a place for dogs to come and hang out and get spa treatments and all of our favorite dogs from the movie are doing cool and fun things and it’s the greatest day on Earth and everyone is happy forever because dogs exist and they are the greatest. THE END.

Lenny, Shep, Romeo, and Cooper. There’s a subplot where Romeo is horny as fuck but he’s ugly as shit but by the end of the movie he gets to have sex with a poodle. Niiiiiiiiiice.

I might’ve gotten some of the details a little confused, but that’s pretty much the gist of the movie. I’ve seen a lot of movies about dogs, and this one is my favorite. Even though I love the Air Buddies series, because they feature dogs, those movies are geared way too much towards kids and the dogs talk. Hey, listen, I might be dumb, but I know that dogs don’t actually talk. I also know that the events of Hotel for Dogs would never ACTUALLY happen, but every single thing a dog does in this movie is just a real dog doing a real thing that a dog would do. Yes, all the dogs are trained to do things on cue, but they are real dog things like chewing on shit or running around or barking or just being fucking awesome. I’m not an orphan so I can’t really speak directly towards how powerful it is to draw similarities between kids getting adopted because they feel unloved or whatever and dogs not getting adopted because people are dickheads and aren’t adopting dogs, but there’s definitely some serious shit in there that doesn’t feel forced. I know I’m a really strong and brave and handsome guy and apparently the only emotion I know how to experience is anger, but I will openly admit that the scene where Don Cheadle is explaining why these dogs don’t have homes gets me choked up. THERE’S A THREE-LEGGED DOG. Don Cheadle says his name, he walks out, and then just sits down like a cool, nice dude. The sad thing is that the stories Don Cheadle tells of people abandoning dogs when they move or just leaving them at the vet because they can’t afford them actually fucking happens. These dogs just want to hang out with people and eat food and be nice and have someone pet them but because of pieces of shit owners, their lives are fucked and they get put to sleep. Millions of dogs are killed every single year just because people want to buy a puppy from a breeder or adopt a dog without realizing the responsibility that comes with it and it’s these awesome animals that suffer because of it. I’m not encouraging people to go out and get dogs, I mean I don’t even have one because I would love it too much and then it would die and I would just fucking kill myself, but if you DO decide to bring a dog into your life, please adopt. PLEASE fucking adopt a dog and give it a cool home and pet it and play with it and everyone will have the best lives. It doesn’t have to be a puppy, it doesn’t have to be a specific breed that you think looks cute, just fucking go out there and find a dog who will love you unconditionally and then invite me over so I can roll around on the floor with it. So, uhhh, yeah, I give Hotel for Dogs one hundred bones out of ten.

Wolfman Moon Scale