Grizzly Rage (2007) [REVIEW]

 

DO I NEED TO FUCKING EXPLAIN WHY I WATCHED A MOVIE CALLED GRIZZLY RAGE? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?

 

Oh look, it’s that one scene where that one bear roars.

There’s a group of kids celebrating graduation from something that wasn’t really important, high school, college, doesn’t fucking matter. So they are off-roading or four-wheeling or something aggro, and they hit a baby bear. NOOOOO!!!! Somehow they know it’s a grizzly, despite looking like a black bear, but I guess I’m not the bear expert. Hitting the cub drives them off-road and ruins their car, so they have to start finding help on foot. But guess what….THE BABY BEAR’S MOM IS PISSED! I guess because one guy tried to help the dead bear with his shirt, the mom got a whiff of their scent and hunted them? Doesn’t matter, it’s bullshit. We see these assholes running around the woods, getting scared by bears, they use the same shot of the bear yelling over and over again. Some people die, some live, and then there is some climactic scene with the bear and the last two characters. They are running away, and the guy falls, and the girl is all I WON’T LEAVE YOU HERE and he is all GO ON WITHOUT ME and she is all NO I WON’T DO IT and as they are bickering, they see the bear running after them, and then it growls and we see the title card GRIZZLY RAGE at the end, with flames in the background. They’re all dead!

 

You’re going to die. You know how I know you’re going to die? Because you’re a character in this movie.

Do I really need to explain? I knew going into this movie that it would be bad, and, well, it was. One thing I forgot to mention was the fact that there was some scene where the characters looked over into a pond or lake and saw nuclear waste or toxic waste or something spilled in it. I guess we were supposed to think that this is why the grizzly is pissed? Either it was pissed because it hated pollution or maybe it turned into a freak monster because of sewage, who the fuck knows. This movie was shitty, and nobody should watch it again, and everyone involved in making it should kill themselves. I guess it was kind of funny that everyone died at the end, and it happened off-screen, but not even close to redeeming anything about it at all. It’s not even like one of those movies where it’s so bad that it’s funny, it’s just, well, bad. Sorry guys, maybe it would have worked out better had it been called “Polar Rage”, and it was a polar bear, ya know, the largest land carnivore? I guess they’d have to explain why there were people hanging out in the coldness of the arctic circle, but I’m sure they could have thought of something.

 

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11 responses to “Grizzly Rage (2007) [REVIEW]

  1. If this movie didn’t do it for you, I know this other film you might like. A few years back Disney made this movie called Brother Bear. You familiar with the title?

    In the film, an Inuit boy pursues a bear in revenge for a battle that he provoked in which his oldest brother is killed. He tracks down the bear and kills it, but the Spirits, angered by this needless death, change the boy into a bear himself as punishment. It even spawned a sequel.

    In the sequel, the adventures of bear brothers Kenai and Koda continue. While the first film dealt with Kenai’s relationship with Koda, this one focuses more on his bond with a young human, Nita.

  2. I watched this whole movie at work one day while doing paperwork. It definitely killed 2 hours I would have normally been staring at billing. Syfy runs it every 6 weeks or so. You want bad? Turn on that channel on almost any weekday and you’ll see shit that makes this movie look like freaking Jaws.

    • I think the only other movie that was related to SyFy that I’ve seen was that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I mean, even the title of that movie got boring, I don’t know why I thought the movie itself might be entertaining. These movies don’t have that Deep Blue Sea-esque dedication to insanity, they really just phone it in. Even seeing Snakes on a Plane was too stupid for me, and I’m pretty sure that’s what SyFy has turned into now. That, and Ghost Hunters.

  3. Any movie where one or more of the male characters is wearing stupid shit on their head is bound to be a suckfest. I bet there’s even some sort of equation that relates amount of dumb headgear to how much the movie will suck.

  4. Pingback: Bear (2010) [REVIEW] | The Wolfman Cometh·

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