Do you guys remember when Netflix instant first started? The selection was pretty limited so basically any browsing session involved adding ANYTHING you thought you might remotely be interested in watching to your queue. For a guy like me, it means adding pretty much every horror movie they made available, which included the “film” Bear. I don’t typically like the creature feature genre of horror movies, especially if those creatures are just regular animals that are arbitrarily turned into villains. Since I have a hard time just straight up deleting shitty movies from my queue, I’ve been trying to go through as much of those garbage movies as possible to just clean house. What that means for you guys is that I’ll be reviewing lots of shitty movies that you would’ve most like just completely skipped over in the first place! However, I’m hoping that maybe when you see a shitty movie like Bear pop up in your suggestions, you’ll take a moment to think about the Wolfman. Hopefully you aren’t so drunk while thinking of me that you get confused and think maybe I recommended this piece of shit, but if you end up watching it, DON’T COME LOOKING FOR ME! I’LL BE IN THE WOODS RUNNING AROUND.
This is the lady who was pregnant and she’s sad for some reason.
Two brothers and their respective lady friends are on their way into the woods for…something. Maybe they weren’t even heading into the woods in the first place, who gives a shit, the point is that they end up in the woods because of car trouble. Once in the woods, they see a grizzly bear, and the older brother takes out his gun and shoots it a few times. Phew! Crisis averted! Well, not really, but the bear slinks away and now the four have to deal with their car troubles. During these dealings, we see lots of tension between the two brothers, seeing as the younger brother is some sort of successful rock and/or roller and the older brother keeps recommending he do more with his life. While discussing their familial issues, the bear comes back! Oh no! This time the bear kills one of the ladies! Oh well, she seemed pretty lame anyways. Between running out of the car and back into the car and injuring the bear and the bear coming back, this movie is exactly what you would expect it to be. At some point it is revealed that the remaining lady is pregnant with the baby of the brother that she wasn’t married to? And when the brother who is married to her tries to escape, the bear finds him and just drags him back to the car and drops him off? And then the two brothers sacrifice themselves to the bear so the girl can escape? And then the bear smells the pregnant lady and doesn’t eat her? HUH?
This wasn’t from the movie but it’s hard as shit trying to find images for an awful movie that’s just called “Bear”, so deal with it.
Even though this movie was a huge pile of shit, at least it wasn’t as bad as something like Grizzly Rage. Well, okay, I guess this movie IS as bad as Grizzly Rage, just for different reasons. The “plot” of Grizzly Rage involved accidentally killing a baby bear and its mom seeking vengeance, which is insane and would never happen. The plot of Bear had a bear getting shot, but it seemed like the filmmakers were just using the bear as a device to keep these people in close proximity to each other. Both types of story have been done before, but the vilification of bears in Bear is more similar to something like Open Water, where the sharks were a factor as to why these two characters were paranoid of venturing too far from one another, or maybe something like Frozen where these characters knew that getting off their abandoned ski-lift was only half the battle, as there were also wolves to deal with. In fact, I think the titular bear was SO far removed from any of the “tension” of this movie, that it felt like this was just your average shitty movie about relationships and all that garbage and no one wanted to make it, but one producer came forward and said, “Well, what if there was a bear?” and then the producers all jumped up and high-fived their dicks all around the room and then went to Chipotle for a job well done. I mean really, this fucking bear was probably only available for one day, and they thought that instead of spending money on something like actors or lights or any of those overrated factors in movie making just to get a fucking bear. Feel free to skip this one guys, even though I think the bear technically wins at the end. Hahaha, who am I kidding, bears always win.
Wolfman Moon Scale