You might also know this movie by the title Camp Hope. No? You don’t? No one else does either. I can’t really remember what caused me to watch this movie, I think other than the fact that my Xbox wouldn’t fucking shut up about how I could pay to see it. I guess I figured I would pander to the Xbox crowd and give them something they wanted, which was a review of this shit. I also remember them constantly promoting that Jesse ” We can’t afford Michael Cera” Eisenberg being in it by having him on the DVD cover art. If you hate Jesse Eisenberg, don’t worry, because he’s in it for all of five fucking minutes. I could really care less whether or not he was in it, but are we seriously still trying to trick people by saying a “big name” star is in it a lot by having them on the cover? Fuck you, marketing people who promoted this movie.

There’s an extended sequence involving these two dry humping, which is supposedly them having sex. Actually, this might be the guy’s sister? I don’t give a shit.

This movie takes place at Jesus Camp. I know what you’re thinking, and no, they didn’t have to go further than just showing the documentary “esus Camp, but instead, this movie has this whole plot thing going on. Or at least, it attempts to. It’s not too often that I just give up on a movie for not being good, and when I fell asleep halfway through it, I almost never finished it. Having sucked an hour of my life, I figured I would watch where it went. The first hour shows these kids at a strict Jesus camp, having people talk about how bad it is to jerk off and fuck and shit, and then some real evil shit starts happening. Apparently there are demons in the woods that are after the campers?  I guess the movie was one of those “Holy shit these religious people are crazy…but what if they were right?” kinds of things, because at the end, the main priest is in a hospital and the main teenager throws a Bible out the window of his moving car.

Mostly just posting this image to be the only review on the internet of this film to not use an image of Jesse Eisenberg.

WHAT THE FUCK. I even read other people’s reviews of this film and nobody really seemed to have any fucking clue what was going on. Something about demons and jerking off though, that’s for damn sure. Was anything bad actually happening? Was any of it real? On the one hand, I wish I remembered more about this movie so I could talk about it more accurately, but on the other hand, it was a piece of shit and I am glad to have forgotten most of it. Maybe Rampaige was right to have refused to finish watching it, because boy oh boy, did this thing suck. I can’t really hold it against Jesse Eisenberg though, because he barely fucking did anything in it. Good thing his face is so big on some of the posters. Don’t watch this movie, you’ll regret it. Because it sucks. It’s terrible. NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AT ALL. I’ll just stop typing right now.

Wolfman Moon Scale