Since I like to be honest with all of my readers, I’d like to admit to you guys that the reason I watched the first movie was to eventually watch this film. I saw an animated GIF of a kill from the movie, and based ony my enjoyment of an animated GIF, I thought maybe this movie would have some good kills. I didn’t want to jump straight into the sequel, which is why I made it a point to watch the first movie. Otherwise, can you imagine how confused I would be?! I would have no idea why anyone was in the woods or just how retarded the monsters in this movie were! The time finally came when all of my hard work paid off, and now you get to hear what I thought…but as a warning, it isn’t going to be pretty.

There ya go, now you have no reason to watch this movie.

Similar to the first film, this one starts with the arbitrary death of a character that we know nothing about, but we see the brutality of the hillfolk who will be the villains for the rest of the movie. It wasn’t until watching some of the special features that I learned that the girl who got killed was some dumb bitch named Kimberly Caldwell who I guess is some host for stupid bullshit like American Idol? I also learned she was full of herself and acted like anyone gave a shit about the fact that she was in the movie. What I was more concerned with was the fact that she played “herself”, which is apparently some D-List celebrity who thinks she’s relevant, and while she is talking to her agent on the phone, we hear that her agent is voiced by Patton Oswalt. What the fuck? I’m hoping he recorded his voiceover for this movie before Ratatouille came out, otherwise he could have gotten paid a lot more for it. Holy shit, I’m still complaining about the opening scene, which ended with the sole reason I watched any of these movies. Do I still have to watch the rest?

You can tell who the goth is by the wristbands and shitty shit hair.

The premise of this one is much different from the first one, and a lot more annoying. A bunch of contestants are selected to compete in some bullshit reality show that confused the fuck out of me when they were explaining it. Hey, filmmakers, if you’re spending a shit ton of time explaining the rules of a fake reality show, you’re doing it wrong. More importantly, the host of this show is a former Marine, and is played by Henry Rollins, which made me slightly more interested. Did I mention that this reality game show takes place in the woods? The very same woods that the first film took place in? Well I’m sure you can imagine the direction that this movie goes. We see characters like the annoying and edgy skateboarder, the injured jock, the slutty chick, a suicidal goth chick, and a lesbian ex-military lady. Talk about diversity! Over the course of the next 93 boring, agonizing minutes, some of these characters die while others live. Also, the hill people are killed sporadically as well, and we do see one scene where two of them fuck each other. Great. Not to mention that we also see boobs at one point, and we also see one of the retard baby freaks being born, and at the end, all of the mountain people are killed. And by “all”, I mean almost all, because then we see the freak baby refusing to suck on a bottle, and instead sucking on a severed finger. We also see that the bottle was filled with water that had toxic sludge in it, which we’re expected to believe was the reason for the freaks in the first place.

What, they don’t have toothbrushes in the woods?! Oh, okay then. Carry on.

What a waste of fucking time. So very, very shitty. Not that I necessarily expected there to be anything good about this movie, but it’s still annoying that I wasted my time with this. I can admit that the gore/special effects were mildly entertaining, but I use the term “mildly” loosely. I think the gore was creative, but there was just something about it that made the film look like it had an even lower budget than it actually did. Maybe it was because they seemed to use three times the amount of blood for every scene than a standard horror movie would use, and it just came across as lazy. Had the filler in between the death scenes been more entertaining, or at least less painful to watch, maybe I would have enjoyed the death scenes more. Rollins was in it for a good amount of time, so at least he was somewhat entertaining, but every other fucking character was annoying. I’d like to point out that the suicidal goth, played by Erica Leerhsen, survives to the end of the movie. Name sound familiar? She also played the shitty, annoying hippy girl from Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows, as well as being known for the girl who pulled a gun out of her cooter in the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What a rap sheet she’s got going for her! I also just now remembered a scene that attempted to pay homage to Texas Chain Saw Massacre by having a female wake up at a dinner table, strapped to a chair, and then a chaotic dinner scene. The director seemed to have good ideas, he was just stuck with a shitty script. In conclusion, just watch that GIF I posted a few times, listen to some Black Flag, then smear yourself in fake blood, and you’ll have a better time than watching this shitty, shitty movie.

Wolfman Moon Scale