Fuck. Why do I do these things to myself? When I watched all the Friday the 13th/Halloween/Hellraiser/Nightmare on Elm Street movies, I at least knew there were fans out there who would defend the qualities of the sequels. Why am I wasting my time watching not one, not two, but THREE of these movies? Maybe it’s because the first one showed glimpses of originality and I keep holding out for the filmmakers to capitalize on it, maybe it’s because I’m hoping that Eliza Dushku will return, or maybe I just assume I deserve to be punished. Today certainly marks a momentous occasion…from here on out, if a movie is available on Blu-ray, I’ll post the Amazon link to buy that instead of the DVD. If you don’t have a Blu-ray player by now, what are you doing with your life?

DICK JOKE DICK JOKE DICK JOKE.

Two couples are white-water rafting when the two females decide to do some sunbathing. After about 20 seconds of sunbathing, one chick takes her top off. THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD. The clothed girl leaves and the douchebag boyfriend comes over to the topless one. They have a discussion about how cool her boobs are and he starts honking them. The dialogue is something along the lines of, “I could hold your boobs all da–AAHHHHH!!!!” when he’s interrupted by an arrow shooting through her boob and into his hand. We then see an arrow go through the girl’s eye, causing the eye to pop out of her head. The guy runs through the woods and is then split in two by an axe, and the guy from the other couple somehow gets sliced apart while the remaining girl (the one whose boobies went un-honked) hides in the woods. The movie really could have ended right there and I would have given it a better rating, but there were 90 more minutes of shit that wasted my time.

If only I could remember what happens immediately after this scene……..

OH THAT’S RIGHT…

BLAMMO! SHOT TO THE EYE!

A group of prisoners get on a prison bus to go somewhere else and the film tries to give these characters some sort of backstory, but it really, really doesn’t matter. What does matter? This bus is driving through the evil woods where the murderous mongoloids live and you know that everyone’s going to die. The bus flips over or something, and there’s that whole role reversal of the prisoners taking charge of the guards and bossing them around. One after another, prisoners and guards get picked off by the retarded killers until the girl who survived the opening attack appears. I guess we’re supposed to care about her not dying because we met her earlier on? I guess, whatever. Something starts happening with one of the convicts hiding money, and, well, to be honest, this movie might as well have been on mute because I wasn’t listening to ANY of the dialogue. IT WAS JUST SO BAD. Eventually the girl gets captured by a woods mutant, and subsequently rescued, and then everyone gets saved? Or something? And the final scene shows the guard escaping with the money, only to get killed by a convict who followed him, to then seeing one of the killers approach the convict with some sort of bloody weapon. THE FUCKING END.

Sure, those lines might LOOK drawn on by a marker, but that’s just the latest in special effects technology

Same shit, different title. I’m not exaggerating the awfulness when I say that you can stop watching the movie after the first ten minutes, because it’s all downhill from there. The weird thing about this movie is that after watching a glimpse of the behind-the-scenes shit, I realized they filmed it in Bulgaria, which, last I checked, wasn’t in the United States. Also, pretty much every actor was British, with the exception of two, and everyone pretended to have American accents. I guess the whole “inbred woodsmen become killers” concept is a universal one and isn’t exclusive to America. Or maybe it’s cheap as shit to film in Bulgaria? Even though I’m not going to give this installment a better rating than the previous film, I have to admit that it was a little more engaging. That’s really not saying much, considering how awful the last one was, but it was a little less absurd than the previous’ gameshow concept. This one didn’t have Rollins though, so I guess it’s a toss-up between whether you prefer boobs or Henry, which I know is a debate that will keep you up at night.

Wolfman Moon Scale