The Loved Ones (2009) [REVIEW]


A few weeks ago, I watched Snowtown, which is a movie about Australia’s worst serial killer. The amount of people he killed? 11. ONLY 11. Not that 11 dead people is good, but seriously, is that how isolated Australia is? Apparently! I had to watch the movie in two separate viewings because 45 minutes into the movie, one of the characters is forced to kill a dog, so I almost shut it off. Granted, the whole tone of the movie is similar to some other Australian horror movies that I’ve seen, with the terms “gritty” and “realism” coming to mind. Considering realism is a trend I’ve notice with Australian horror, I wondered how they’d handle a movie about a girl who kidnaps a guy who turns her down when she asks him to the prom, causing her to torture him. The weird part? It takes place in the suburbs! There are suburbs in Australia?! I have so much to learn. As a warning, there will be spoilers in this review, as I have some fans who want to read EVERY twisted thing that happens in it. However, if you’re looking for a relatively spoiler free review, why don’t you head on over to Shockya to read my review over there! Cool!


Don’t look right at the camera, ya dope! Haven’t ya ever been in a movie before?!

As the film opens, Brent (Xavier Samuel) is riding in a car with his dad and when he sees a guy covered in blood in the middle of the street (which obviously is foreshadowing what will happen later in the movie) and Brent swerves into a tree, killing his dad. 6 months later, Brent deals with the psychological trauma by using a razor to cut himself, but despite that, he manages to get a girlfriend. This means that when Lola (Robin McLeavy) asks him to go to prom with her, he says no, so Lola has her dad kidnap Brent for the process of torture! Aw damn, Brent! Things start off with Lola injecting something into Brent’s neck that stops him from talking, but when he is able to escape, Lola’s dad catches him and hammers a knife through his feet to prevent him from escaping again. From there, Brent has Lola’s initials carved into his torso with a fork, has bleach thrown onto those open wounds, and a hole drilled into his forehead. The plan is to pour boiling water into that whole to ruin his brain, but when some boiling water is spilled, Brent fights the pain is able to free himself. We learn that Lola has been collecting “Loved Ones”, which are boys she likes, and ruins their brains and tosses them beneath her house where she feeds them roadkill. Brent’s family was nervous about Brent’s whereabouts, and the police eventually show up, but Lola kills him. When Brent escapes, he uses the cop car and reunites with his girlfriend and uses the cop car to kill Lola. Yay! Everybody wins!


The story of the torture was cool, yes, but I could’ve used more of this kid getting a handjob at the school dance.

When it comes to any movie, you need to willingly suspend your disbelief of reality. Things like people talking to themselves in the mirror, two people who wait for the other person to finish their thought before responding, all things that don’t happen in real life. And with horror movies, I feel like there needs to be even more of that, based on the violence and extreme circumstances that the characters end up in. The problem that I ended up having with this movie was that there’s really only so much disbelief I can suspend before giving up. Does anyone remember me saying a hole was drilled into the main character’s head, through his skull, to expose his brain? And you also remember me saying that he was still able to escape, drive a car, a murder his captor? If you were able to get the strength to escape all of this, even with a hole in the head, don’t you think you’d drive to a hospital? NOT BRENT! He drives straight home. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget about the people who have boiled brains who now eat roadkill that live in the basement. ALL QUITE PLAUSIBLE. Robin McLeavy made for a good psycho, and the plot played out and circled back on itself in an entertaining way, I can’t in good conscience give this movie too good of a review. It’s fun, so I recommend seeing it with your friends, but remember kids: fun doesn’t always mean good.


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2 responses to “The Loved Ones (2009) [REVIEW]

  1. Pingback: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) [REVIEW] | The Wolfman Cometh·

  2. I am not positive that I am right about this but I think they purposely bore through just the skull without piercing the brain. When someone has a brain hemorrhage they are able to bore though the skull without piercing the brain, so they release the build up of blood and fluid and it doesn’t cause brain damage.
    Or it could be just because it was her first drilling, like she said and she didn’t have enough force to pierce the brain.
    And then he was able to finally get through those ropes before the father was able to push in further. Do you think this is plausible?

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