The Worst Best of 2012 List

In case you guys are new to the world of reading my website, there’s something you should know. I HATE FUCKING MAKING LISTS. It’s not that I don’t like pointing out some of my favorite things, it’s that I know I will always leave something out in a certain category and come to regret it later. For example, I have no problem listing my favorite horror movies that I’ve ever seen, because it’s specific and all-encompassing. I don’t, however, feel comfortable making a list of my favorite horror movies of 2012, because I know there are at least two big movies that people liked that I never got around to seeing (Sinister and Paranormal Activity 4). In case you haven’t seen my Worst Best of 2011 List, instead of making one list with multiple entries, I prefer making multiple lists that only consist of one entry. It’s confusing and inefficient, and that’s why it’s called the Worst Best of 2012 List. Also, I’d like to clarify that even though some of these movies screened at festivals in 2012, they didn’t get wide US distribution until 2012. Just thought I’d add that before all you jerks start saying “I SAW THAT LAST YEAR MAN, YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE” or whatever insults feel appropriate. Now let’s get started!

Best Horror Movie with Comedic Elements and features an Attractive Lead Actress who has Short Hair

TIE: [REC]³ Genesis and The Innkeepers

rec 3 leticia dolera bride chainsaw bloodthe innkeepers movie sara paxton blue sweatshirt

The first entry on my list is already a goddamned tie. Maybe I should have thought things through a little bit better? Nope, I’m already doing awesome! [REC]³ is something I’ve been waiting for since seeing [REC]2 so it’s been a couple of years of anticipation. Although the film went in a different direction by abandoning the found footage format and taking a sillier, more comedic tone, it was still highly entertaining. One of its strongest selling points was the chemistry between lead actors Diego Martín and Leticia Dolera, especially the latter of the two. Frankly, I would’ve been happy if the whole movie was just Dolera looking at the camera and smiling for 90 minutes. I mention The Innkeepers second because it came out on VOD on Dec. 30th of last year, but came out theatrically in February. Just like [REC]³, The Innkeepers spent more of the movie building chemistry between lead actors Pat Healy and Sara Paxton, who were both equally adorable. Although, sorry Pat, but Sara wins the underwear competition. The more time you spent with these two characters laughing at the day-to-day business of a failing hotel, the more of an impact there was for the audience when spooky events started happening. Both movies are very successful horror-comedies of two different genres. Good job, guys!

Best Comedy disguised as Horror

The Cabin in the Woods

the cabin in the woods wolf head kiss makeout

This was that one movie that came out this year that everybody warned against learning anything about. I had seen the poster months ahead of time, and kept hearing things like “game-changer” and “rejuvenates the horror genre”. Lots of things involving the word “horror”, and even though I knew that Joss Whedon was one of the masterminds behind it, I didn’t automatically associate Whedon’s name with comedy. I assumed this movie would be terrifying, and it ended up being…well…not scary at all. Granted, this movie was obviously made by people who love the horror genre, and there were COUNTLESS references to famous horror movie stereotypes and plot points, but ultimately, it wasn’t scary. I only saw it the one time in theaters and since I’ve now had some time to think about things, I’d like to watch it again knowing that I should pee in my pants with laughter rather than fear.

Best Horror disguised as Comedy

ParaNorman

paranorman under the bed zombie ear

Maybe ParaNorman never really claimed to be a comedy, I knew that it was a definitely kid’s movie. Because it was a kid’s movie, I thought it was basically going to be something like The Cabin in the Woods, but for kids. I knew there were going to be some good references to the horror genre, but probably the biggest reference was making itself scary as shit. There was enough physical comedy in it involving zombies wandering around, but when you got to the truth of the curse and a town trying to cover up a wrongful death, it was pretty creepy. Once Norman actually confronted the source of the curse, things got really intense, and I’m surprised more people didn’t run out of the theaters screaming.

Joaquin Phoenix’s Best Masturbatory Effort

The Master

the master paul thomas anderson jaoquin phoenix

This guy’s just lucky that I’m Still Here didn’t come out this year, otherwise that movie would’ve taken the cake. Instead, I’ll describe his efforts in a more literal sense, as in the first ten minutes, Mr. Phoenix is manipulating his genitals on a beach. I didn’t review The Master on my website for a few reasons. One reason is because it doesn’t really fit in with any of the other movies I ever review. True, I do sometimes review movies that aren’t horror or sci-fi or anything, but I also didn’t really know what my thoughts were on this movie. In fact, I still don’t. I loved, LOVED There Will Be Blood, and I was incredibly excited for The Master to come out. Unfortunately, I don’t think there was any storyline or any amount of incredible actors that could have topped that movie, so even after waiting five years, I found myself disappointed with thie film. The two leads, Joaquin Phoenix and Phillip Seymour Hoffman, were both fantastic, but even their combined efforts didn’t manage to come close to what Daniel Day Lewis accomplished in There Will Be Blood. A big difference was that this film was far more abstract than TWBB,  but I just couldn’t really connect with any of the characters. I did feel this way going from Boogie Nights to Magnolia, only to then realize how fantastic Magnolia was years later, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I come to appreciate this movie with age.

Best Use of Skype

V/H/S

vhs movie the sick thing that happened to emily helen rogers webcam skype ghost

Consisting of multiple segments with multiple creative teams, V/H/S brought together some of horror’s best current filmmakers. From Ti West‘s road trip stalker to David Bruckner‘s frat boys taking advantage of a drunk woman who has other plans for them to newcomers Radio Silence‘s story of a Halloween party gone wrong, this film managed to combine lots of different styles of horror, all in the found footage format, and was a fun time all around. I’d say one of the more unique entries was entitled “The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger”, writer by Simon Barrett and directed by Joe Swanberg, was done completely through Skype. Okay guys, we can complain about how an internet chat could find its way onto a VHS tape is something we can all complain about, but as a wise man once told me, “It’s called ‘the movies’.” The story about a girl who thinks her apartment is haunted and asks her boyfriend, through Skype, to help her get to the bottom of things, might not be the most original concept, but the execution turned out really well and the direction the story went in was quite bizarre and surprising. Also, the fact that Swanberg just directed it the way it appeared on screen and the actors were really just using Skype is pretty impressive.

Best Comic Book Movie with Leather-clad Butts

TIE: The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises

avengers scarlett johansson butt black widow

dark knight rises selina kyle anne hathaway butt

Another tie?! Wolfman, you’re fucking up. Last year, there were enough comic book movies offering a wider variety of heroes and themes, but this year there were only two. With The Avengers, you were given a super fun, witty, action-packed blockbuster. Basically everybody on the planet saw it, and of those people, it was only a small minority of people who didn’t love it. On the other hand, The Dark Knight Rises was seen by tons of people, but really only received mixed reviews from both critics and the general public. Although I only saw The Avengers once, I really enjoyed myself, but I have no intention of watching it again any time soon. And although I’m not really in a rush to watch The Dark Knight Rises again, I saw it twice in theaters and even had so much to say on my second viewing that it justified an additional blog post, which you can read here. Despite feeling like The Dark Knight Rises had more to say than The Avengers, and I had a lot more opinions to express about the former, when it comes to who had a cooler butt in a leather outfit, Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman or Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow, this race is just too close to call!

Best Use of Dogs killing Nazi Cats

The ABCs of Death

abcs of death cat dog nazi electrocution

Even though these themes were quite prevalent in both the original Cats & Dogs and its sequel, Cats & Dogs: The Return of Kitty Galore, it wasn’t until The ABCs of Death that the world of cinema finally acknowledged that cats are fascists and dogs are amazing for trying to eradicate them. Well, that, and I figured this would be one of the more interesting ways to highlight one of the more interesting films of the year. With 26 filmmakers given 6 months, 6 weeks, and 6 days to create a horror movie centered around a letter of the alphabet, this whole project was incredibly ambitious and that ambition really paid off. Similar to V/H/S, this movie combined 26 of horror’s best current filmmakers from around the world to come up with any sick, twisted, or hilarious thing they could come up with. Rather than go through all of my favorites, I’ll just direct you guys to click that little link up there that will take you to my more in-depth review of the movie.

Best Hobbit Disgust-ache

Maniac

maniac remake 2012 elijah wood knife blood

One of my biggest concerns with the remake of Maniac, one of my all-time favorite horror movies, was that Elijah Wood is relatively pleasant to long at. Some people would argue that he’s weird looking, but there’s no way he’s as creepy to look at as the star of the original film, Joe Spinell. The film tried to make up for the lack of physical presence and intimidation was to play up the creepy aspects of him, like his whiny voice, inability to grow facial hair, and his character’s ability to use the internet to find dates with women who had self esteem issues. This movie was also quite ambitious, using 95% point of view camerawork, so it really felt like Elijah Wood’s character was really in your head. Although he didn’t quite capture the primal fear that Spinell did in the original, he gave it his best shot, and if it wasn’t for him, there wouldn’t be any more Middle Earth.

Best Teaser Trailer for a Movie the Most People didn’t Like but I sort of Liked but only saw once in Theaters

Prometheus

HOLY SHIT, THIS TRAILER IS STILL SO FUCKING INTENSE. In fact, I think it’s the fact that this trailer was so good that the movie ended up being a disappointment to so many. I liked the movie and all, but all the scenes in that teaser of shit flying around and exploding and alien landscapes and spaceships and people running and screaming made it look like this movie would be a lot more interesting and terrifying than it ended up being. If you haven’t seen it yet, it might just be better for all parties involved to just watch that teaser for two hours or so.

Best Movie featuring a Fetus in an Oven

Excision

excision movie annalynne mccord blood neck

I guess this movie might also be considered “best surprise of the year” because, even though I did hear a lot of positive feedback around it, it’s really hard to trust people on the internet. Even if they are Wolfmen, who the hell can you really trust? Even though this movie features a lot of graphic imagery, it’s definitely a story with more to it than that. It follows a high school girl who knows she’s destined for things greater than high school and won’t let anything stop her from becoming the surgeon she spends every night dreaming of becoming. She will even practice surgery on the people closest to her, literally and figuratively. Even though I’ve never been a girl in high school, the awkward moments this movie captured I feel are universal, albeit slightly exaggerated.

Best Movie involving Cults

TIE: Kill List and Sound of My Voice

Kill Listsound of my voice circle apple puke

HAHAHA FUCK YOU GUYS! See what I’m doing now? I’m just making them all ties! Why? I don’t know, I guess I’m out of my mind. Well, not really, I’m just having a hard time thinking of witty reasons to highlight some of these movies and figured I’d kill two birds with one stone. On the surface, Kill List isn’t necessarily the cult movie you might be envisioning, seeing as the plot involves a hitman killing people on a list and neither him nor the viewer know what ties all these people together. When he does realize the connection, it’s a creepy demonstration of just how sick and twisted some people are, so I guess saying that all sick people belong to a cult should be helpful without giving anything away. And for the other movie on this list, Sound of My Voice, it is very obvious why it’s considered a cult movie, because it centers around two people investigating a cult based around a woman who claims to be from the future. However, the further we get into the story, the more the two investigators, and the more the audience, gets into the movie, the more we question the validity of her claims. Definitely a creepy horror/sci-fi/thriller that might surprise you.

Best Film shot at 48 frames per second

The Hobbit

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

To be fair, The Hobbit was also the only movie this year shot at 48fps. Well, to my knowledge at least. Even though the 48fps was pretty jarring at first and took me out of the movie, I was totally into it by the end of the movie. The clarity Peter Jackson was able to achieve in those super-wide shots of people running through mountains or the underground battle with goblins made those weird moments totally worth it. You can hear more about my thoughts on The Hobbit by listening to Send More Cops!

Well, ladies and jerks (haha, just kidding, no ladies read this), that bring another year to a close! I hope you guys enjoyed the list and maybe learned a thing or two about some movies you might not have seen. NOW HERE’S SOME STATS, BROS! LOVE ME SOME STATS!

Top 5 Visited Posts

5) Wrong Turn (2003) [REVIEW]

4) Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) [REVIEW]

3) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) [REVIEW]

2) Freddy vs. Jason (2003) [REVIEW]

1) Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk [REVIEW]

Top 5 Search Terms

5) freddy vs jason

4) katrina bowden

3) poltergeist

2) slender man

1) wrong turn

Top 5 Viewed Images

5)

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4)scott pilgrim vs the world michael cera mary elizabeth winstead

3)

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2)

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See you all in 2013!

3 responses to “The Worst Best of 2012 List

  1. This is as always, the best and funnest list of the year. Some great things on here and still quite a few I have to check out. As always boobs generate the most traffic.

    • Thanks for reading! And yes, big surprise that in 2012 boobs were popular. I wrote most of this post before Christmas so it’s even possible a picture of Anne Hathaway kind of topless might actually crack the top 5 before the night’s over.

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