Hardware (1990) [REVIEW]

This movie sucked. If you want to stop reading there, I won’t blame you, but I’m going to keep going because the overall suck-ness should be explained. I’m all for post-apocalyptic, not too distant future, world-ending type of movies, but this was just half-assed by all parties involved. To be fair, this movie is based on a short story called Shok written by Kevin O’Neill, which I haven’t read, so this review is no reflection of that story, just the movie.

“Welcome to America…now learn to speak BINARY, MORANS!”

The story takes place after the Earth has maybe moved too close to the sun or global warming has gotten out of hand, it’s never made clear. People live underground, it’s hot outside, and resources are very limited, so people have to scavenge for anything. Someone finds a robot head and that robot head is bought by Dylan McDermott‘s character. If you know the difference between Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney, congratulations, because I can’t. Either way, McDermott takes the robot head to his girlfriend who uses it in a sculpture, but the person who found it hacks into the camera lens that is the robot’s eye and watches the couple doing each other. For some reason McDermott’s character leaves, which gives the pervert weirdo time to visit his girlfriend, but then the robot wakes up and starts killing everything. Apparently it can assimilate technology to build itself? Either way, some people die, some people live, and at the end the girlfriend tricks the robot into the shower, which she turns on, and this apparently kills it. DEATH BY SHOWER…FROM A POST-APOCALYPTIC ROBOT.

Don’t go in there robot! It’s your only weakness! PRESSURIZED WATER!

There were a few shots in this movie where clearly the director said “Hey, make that set look more like Blade Runner“, so at least he was inspired by something great. Too bad those shots are few and far between, and the style of the rest of the movie looks awful. Most of the characters looked like there clothes were purchased at a motocross tag sale. For some reason, Dylan McDermott was wearing a power glove through the whole movie. he even used it to rub his girlfriend’s soapy butt. Weird, I know. The robot looked like someone was standing just offscreen to move it around, and even then it looked awful. There were vague hints at religion, like McDermott’s character being named Moses, and the fact that the robot was named Mark 13, which then corresponded to a passage in the Bible, but the religion aspect was never really developed so it was mostly just confusing. The only enjoyable things about this movie would be the fact that Iggy Pop is the voice of the DJ, despite never seeing him, and there is a cameo by Lemmy. All he really does is say something about music while he is driving a cab, then pushes a button to make Motorhead start playing. I would say more movies need Lemmy in them, especially if it means seeing him will result in hearing Motorhead.

Wolfman Moon Scale


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