Eden Lake (2008) [REVIEW]


This is one of the hardest reviews I will ever have to do in my life. Actually, let me specify. Not that this specific film is the hardest review I will ever have to do, but this caliber of film is the hardest to do. When I see a movie that’s good, or even great, I can’t wait to talk about it. When I see a movie that’s terrible, I can’t wait to spew acid from my fingertips and onto the keyboard. But with this specific quality of film, the ones that are just kind of bad but not terrible, that it’s like pulling teeth to sit myself down and do this. I actually watched this movie a week and a half ago, but like I said, I can barely muster the iron will and resolve it takes to waste 15 minutes of my time typing up this review. And if you know anything about me, you also know I am always extremely busy with very important stuff to do at all times of every day.


You can tell this kid is a little bastard because he is wearing sunglasses at night…NEAR FIRE.

We have an aesthetically pleasing couple being all in love and stuff in the beginning of the film. What does this pleasant looking couple do? Well they go to Eden Lake, of course! What are you, an idiot?! Of course you are. What happens at Eden Lake, you may ask? Why, the boy secretly looks at a ring that he is planning on putting on his lucky lady’s finger, of course! Oh how romantic. But then what happens? A bunch of kids are being obnoxious and noisy at Eden Lake! Dammit! That’s really the worst, isn’t it? The young couple get annoyed, and the little bastards escalate their bullying to the point of possible car thievery. The kids end up being even bigger shitheads by beating up and torturing the young man. And what does the female do? Tries to escape, as well as try to fight back. Sadly, she seeks solace from the tormentors at a nearby house, and encounters the parents of the main little bastard, and the woman gets killed or something.


I would be scared, but you can’t here that kid singing Creed lyrics.

I think I saw this movie on the list of the best horror movies of 2008, and that would be incorrect. As I mentioned in my opening, this movie isn’t poorly acted or shot or directed, it’s just that there is really nothing that sets this movie apart from the crowd of films involving shitheads acting like douches to pretty people in the woods. I guess you could say there was kind of a twist by having the house she goes to for rescue is just the parents house, who are also shitheads, but even that trick has been pulled before. Don’t go out of your way to see this film, but I suppose if there is absolutely nothing else on TV and you have no other plans, you won’t die from watching it.


Wolfman Moon Scale

Amazon DVD


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