As you might remember me saying in my 50th post, I loved Cabin Fever. Most people didn’t see Cabin Fever, so obviously they wouldn’t know who Eli Roth was. I, however, did know who Eli Roth was, so seeing promotional material for this movie got me super-pumped. Granted, I was already becoming a pretentious prick of a 19 year old who thought he was awesome for having seen Ichi the Killer, but still, I was excited. I don’t remember who I saw this movie with, but I think I can safely say that when Takashi Miike appeared on-screen, I elbowed the person and said “HEY LOOK, IT’S TAKASHI MIIKE!”, and that person probably said “Who?”, and then I probably chuckled to myself about how cool I was. Regardless, I was still pumped to see this movie being released in theaters because I knew Cabin Fever didn’t get the same treatment and I was pretty confident about how gory this would be.

Come on guy, a ball gag isn’t that uncomfortable. Or, at least, I’ve heard it isn’t, heh heh…

Our story centers around two recently graduated Americans trekking through Europe with a crazy guy from Iceland who is a little older. Being fed up with how Americanized and trendy Amsterdam and after finding a weird weasel looking guy, they are directed to voyage to an unpronounceable town in Slovakia. They then find themselves at a hostel, and the movie ends. Okay not really, but I couldn’t think of a funny way to point out the movie title again. At this hostel, they end up sharing a room with Slovakian babes who quickly disrobe in front of them, give them drinks and drugs, and do them. I mean, can’t get better than that, right?! It does for the viewer, because then we get to see these douchebags get the shit murdered out of them!

It’s like when you sneeze and forget the tissue and snotty boogers explode out of your face, but a thousand times worse.

Turns out, these women work for a mysterious company that kidnaps tourists and people can then pay a fee to torture/rape/kill the person that they pay for, and Americans are the most expensive. This is when the main characters start dropping. The mysterious Icelander is killed offscreen, so we never truly know what happens to him, other than his head gets cut off and picture messaged to his friends. The less douchey, slightly more whiny American gets a power drill to the chest a few times, has his Achilles tendon severed, and later in the film we eventually see him being dissected. The douchiest of douches gets kidnapped but is able to evade actual death, but has to deal with losing a few fingers. In his attempt to rescue another person at the torture fest, we see that someone is melting her eyeball with a blow torch. When Captain Douche intercedes, he has to cut the eyeball cord for the girl, and then pus leaks everywhere and it’s disgusting. He eventually escapes and randomly encounters the two women that seduced him and the weasel-y guy, and then there is a combination of both cars and bricks destroying their heads. Finally, Señor Douché finds the guy who killed his friend, who they had actually met early on in the film in a homophobic encounter, and cuts his throat. America wins!

Did I mention the Americans were douches? No? Okay, well, they were. I don’t know too much about Eli Roth’s personal life, but I feel like he could quite possibly be a jock douche. Either that, or he has a lot of close encounters with awful examples of humanity. In both Hostel and Cabin Fever, he is just a little too good at writing dialogue for people you want to see tortured and murdered. Like I said, he might not be an actual douche, but I can’t exactly rule it out. That’s one thing that makes this movie so enjoyable. There isn’t a single moment in this film where you think “Aww, these guys are too darned endearing to have to deal with seeing them murdered!”. They are constantly saying “fag” along with other homophobic behavior, refer to one another as pussies, refuse to talk about anything other than doing drugs and sleeping with women, and just exude an overall terrible existence. It’s also possible that in combination with Eli Roth’s dialogue that these might be master thespians who were method acting, so to Jay Hernandez and Derek Richardson, since you’re probably reading this, I commend you sirs!

Honestly, it’s not like you need two eyeballs. One will get you by. Two will work, at most. Three would just be excessive. I would be worried about making fun of blind people right now, but how will they even be able to read this?

This movie gives the viewer everything they hope to see in a film like this, and more. You want gore? You got it. You want hot Eastern European women getting naked? You got it. You want another reason to be absolutely terrified of Russia? Oh, you fucking got that. So when I mentioned how excited I was to first see this movie, I really think this film lived up to its expectations. I really don’t think there was too much trying to be said with this film, other than to make an updated version of old torture-porn films of the 70’s and 80’s. Most films that get a wide theatrical release are just watered down versions of classic genre films they are trying to capitalize on, and obviously fail. Yeah, I’ll admit, I saw the Sorority Row remake. Okay, well, I saw it in bits and pieces while working, but still. I figured if there would be one film last fall that would have an abundance of violence and scantily clad women, that would be it. Did it? NOPE. I don’t think it had either, to be honest. Princess Leia was in it thought, so that counts for something. Either way, Hostel is what other films should be, and I continue to enjoy the works of Eli Roth.

Wolfman Moon Scale