I was trying to find some new movies to review, so I decided to check out how much a subscription to Rue Morgue was on their website. It was too expensive, so I am going to stick with reading it on my lunch break at the Borders across the street. Visiting the website wasn’t a total loss, because I saw an ad for a movie called “Bitch Slap“. Since Rampaige hates watching movies made before 2005, I have been making an effort to bump more contemporary movies to the top of my queue, so before I even had time to figure out what this movie was about, it had arrived at my house. Turns out, not at all a horror movie. I knew “Bitch Slap” wasn’t that scary of a title, but neither is “The Shining“, or “Rosemary’s Baby“, which could either be about figure skating or a romantic comedy starring Jim from The Office and Mandy Moore.

Sometimes playing “Guess the Stripper” is more difficult than you imagine. However, it’s always entertaining.

So here is my attempt at explaining the plot of this movie. Keep in mind, there were multiple flashbacks of varying length, so keeping it all straight was difficult, especially with the amount of boobs bouncing around. Three women, who all look like strippers, are attempting to find something that apparently some guy has at a trailer park. Only one of these women is actually a stripper, however. Apparently they are trying to find this before someone named Pinky does, because Pinky wields a sword and kills everyone. They are temporarily thwarted by a cop, and they attempt to hide the fact that they just killed someone. They search more for the treasure, but are interrupted by two people looking for the treasure as well. You think someone will die, but then the Cop shows up and kills those jerks. One girl turns on the other two, tries to escape, but gets blown up. The other two fall in “love”, but before the film ends, we find out the supposed former stripper is actually the character known as “Pinky”, and she set up the entire thing just so she could kill people and jump around.

There’s even shit in this movie for chicks! Check out this guy’s dick!

So as it turns out, not a horror movie! That’s my fault for not paying attention. It was more of an exploitation film, or at least was a tribute to the films of that genre.  I’m not too familiar with that genre, so it’s hard to say how it holds up as a tribute to those films, so please go easy on me. First of all, this movie starred three huge breasted women, and none of which got naked. Once you get past the initial shock of the statement I just typed, it was actually kind of good to see. Were this any other style of film, at least one of them would be topless 30 minutes in, but the fact that they kept their tops on the entire time seems like it would have been more of a challenge to do, finding reasons that they don’t get naked. This isn’t to say there isn’t a scene where they are throwing water all over each other in slow motion, but still. There was even a scene where two of them scissor each other in a trailer, but they do this with clothes on. I clearly have a LOT to learn about women. All the women in this film actually did a good job, which might be a credit to the fact that they didn’t take their shirts off. Rather than being hired JUST for their boobs, their acting chops had to make up for the disappointment people (not me, of course) had over not seeing them naked. Especially considering how many euphemisms their were for vagina, which I didn’t know there were more than two of.

So much awesome stuff is happening right above me, anything I said might taint it. Nope, nevermind, I said taint, so that helps.

This movie was fun, and all the character flip-flops and reappearances were somewhat surprising and over-the-top, but I will say it was a little too confusing. It had about as many twists as The Usual Suspects, and that movie was hard enough to follow. Now imagine if you were jumping back and forth between the present and multiple increments of time backwards, sometimes a couple of days, sometimes a couple of years, and were expected to keep it all straight. It’s hard to tell if this was a defining characteristic of the genre it was attempting to emulate, or if it was just something that this film was going for. I can understand having twists and turns like that so it’s more fun and surprising, but I couldn’t really keep track of who was who or what or why. The style of the film was kind of neat, where you could tell a lot of scenes involved green screen so they could have anything in the background they wanted. Obviously there were budgetary constraints, but shooting scenes in front of lavish computer generated backdrops seemed self-aware of those constraints and I didn’t really get sick of the novelty of it. Also, even though it definitely had a nu-metal vibe at moments, I thought the soundtrack was entertaining. If you’re looking for a fun movie with three pairs of breasts as the star, strung together by time travel and guns, check it out, but don’t be pissed at me if this movie was a smack in the face for the exploitation genre.

Wolfman Moon Scale