I feel kind of weird as categorizing this film as a “Horror Film”, since it was definitely more of a thriller. However, I really don’t care that much, I just thought I would acknowledge that. Remember how a few days ago I reviewed the movie Shutter, because I got it for really cheap at Blockbuster? Well, that’s the same reason I’m reviewing this film. Even though it isn’t a true horror film, when I was browsing, the title on the spine had blood splattered on it, and I thought it was a ripoff of Midnight Meat Train. When I picked it up and saw who the stars of the film were, I had an incredibly hard time putting it down. The stars of the film, in no particular order, are Danny Glover, Leelee Sobieski, and Steve Zahn. I felt as though I had time traveled to a decade where these actors were relevant. Apparently, they are still making movies, but I had to see it to believe it. I also wanted to support Danny Glover for the assumed shit he had to deal with because of Mel Gibson.

I really did expect at any moment a group of people to come onto the train singing “HOT HOT, YEAH WE GOT IT!”

The film opens and it’s kind of like Polar Express. There is a train, and snow, and it’s Christmas, and Danny Glover is a conductor with a watch. He lets someone onto the train who seems mysterious, and believe you me, he turns out to be quite mysterious. The passenger joins the car where Steve Zahn and Leelee are riding, and he falls asleep. Turns out, he actually dies. While Leelee, Danny Glover, and Steve explore his personal belongings, they find a box with treasures in it. They decide that rather than follow protocol and alert people, they want to discard the body and split the treasures three ways. That’s when things go wrong for everyone!

Look at that acting! In the industry, this is called “looking”. And back there, out of focus? She is acting like someone who needs to wear glasses! Which Leelee doesn’t wear! ACTING!

They cut up the body and throw it over the side while passing over a river. Clearly, the river will hide all evidence…or will it?! Turns out, it won’t. First of all, a man gets on the train that was supposed to meet the mysterious, now dead, traveler, and is getting clues that yes, he was on the train, but everyone is acting like he wasn’t. After investigating the trio, he has caught on and attempts to murder them. Something goes wrong, and he gets murdered. Then a cop gets on the train because the original body was found by ice fishermen, and he tries to investigate. Eventually he gets killed, along with Steve Zahn being killed by Leelee, who then gets killed trying to kill Danny Glover, but finally Danny Glover escapes with the box of treasure, and in his attempt to destroy the treasure, he fails and dies anyway. So everyone is dead, no one gets the treasure, the end.

Helen Hunt, what are you doing here?! I thought you—oops. Nevermind. Disregard!

Let me first and foremost confirm that indeed yes, all of the actors are still alive. Granted, they were all pretty much playing similar roles as they have before, and they continue to be alive and play the same characters. Except Leelee, who was playing some medical student super-vixen, using powers of seduction as well as biology to get what she wanted. This movie was alright, I guess, but I don’t think it quite knew what genre it wanted to be. It was reminiscent of films like A Simple Plan, but there was a weird kind of supernatural twist. Each person who looked into the treasure box saw a different, well, treasure. One saw gold, another saw emeralds. The person who came on the train to meet the dead guy also talked about how whoever looked at it would die by the morning, and sure enough, everyone did. I wish they had either explained more about what the fuck that magic box was, or just straight up made it gold or diamonds. Bonus points though because the director convinced Danny Glover to run, and he looks HILARIOUS trying to run.

Wolfman Moon Scale